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Stupidity Reaching New Heights

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 9, 2020

I’m in the ladies’ washroom on the observation deck of the CN Tower, formerly the tallest free-standing structure in the world, over 1,100 feet high, and well above the height of any other building around.

[Tourist #1] flushes the toilet.

Tourist #2: “Hey! The water pressure is really good in here!”

Tourist #1: “Yeah!” *Pause* “We must be close to a water tower.”

Tourist #2: “I didn’t see any water tower. Did you?”

Tourist #1: “No, but there has to be one for the water pressure to be this good.”

Tourist #2: “Let’s go out and look again.”

They finished washing their hands and went out to look!

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Some Fresh Slang!

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2020

I am at a store in the mall when a young boy comes up to the employee next to me. We’re in Australia.

Boy: “Do you have a fresher?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Boy: “I need to go to the fresher.”

The employee looks around for whoever in charge but sees no one.

Boy: “Toilet, bathroom, restroom, water closet? What do you call it? My dad said ask for a fresher.”

Employee: “Oh, you are looking for a toilet. Closest one is across and a few stores to your left.”

Boy: “You call it toilet here, too? My dad says words are all different down here.”

Employee: “That’s true that words can be different, but I never heard of toilets being called freshers here.”

Boy: “Okay! And thanks!”

The boy starts running off, yelling.

Boy: “Daddy! They are called toilets!”

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Stuff It, Toilet (Attendant)!

, , , , , , | Working | April 14, 2020

(I am working as a volunteer at an event; we only deal with entertaining or guiding the public. I need to use the bathroom and, on entering a cubicle, I find the toilet completely clogged. People have kept using it even though it was obviously blocked. I pull the door shut and lock the door using a coin. Afterward, I go in search of the attendant. I find her chatting to a male dressed in the same uniform at the entry to the bathrooms. They are not discussing work.)

Me: “Uh, excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that one of the toilets is blocked and that I…”

Attendant: “Go away, leave me alone. I don’t need to be told that every thirty seconds “

Me: “What the h***? I was just trying to tell you that I lo–“

Attendant: *cuts me off again* “I told you to get away from me. I don’t need to be told every thirty seconds.”

(The man is looking on, open-mouthed.)

Me: “As if it’s obvious that I can see that you’ve been told by anyone! I’m sorry I disturbed your conversation about what you are having for dinner.” *turns and starts walking off before turning around* “Oh, what I was trying to tell you was that I locked the door, and I was going to tell you which one, but now you can just find it for yourself.”

(This means that she has forty cubicles to check as the doors go all the way to the floor and up to the ceiling. About an hour later, one of my fellow volunteers comes in.)

Volunteer: “I’ve been asked by one of the toilet cleaners to let one of our volunteers know how sorry she is for being rude to her. How am I going to work out who that is?”

Me: “Yeah, that was me.”

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Hopefully, You Never Have To Cross That Bridge

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2020

(I’ve worked in hospitality for several years. It never ceases to amaze me how people ask for the toilets. I’ve heard all sorts of questions.)

Customer #1: “Where are the facilities?”

Customer #2: “Where can I pee?”

Customer #3: “Do you know where the toilets are?”

(But my favourite of all…)

Customer #4: “Do you have toilets?”

(I normally say:)

Me: “No, sorry, we do our business from the bridge.” *pointing outside*

(Our restaurant is by the river, next to a vintage, pedestrian-only bridge. Normally, people laugh and then I’ll direct them to the restrooms. But not THIS guy. I tell him the line, and he laughs and said:)

Customer #4: “Oh, okay, I got it.”

(I thought he had gotten the joke and had finally seen the huge sign reading, “RESTROOMS – DOWNSTAIRS,” right in front of him. Next thing I knew, I was peeking outside and I saw this guy climbing on the bridge with his pants off.)

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It’s A Privilege To Pee

, , , , | Working | April 10, 2020

(My husband and I are traveling and we stop at a fast food place to get a drink. I am pregnant and I have to pee. This conversation ensues, word for word, with the employee working the register.)

Me: “Hi there. Can someone come and unlock the bathroom for me?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Oh, okay, then. Is there a key I can use?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Um. Is the bathroom just unlocked, then?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Well. Okay. I really need to use the bathroom.”

Employee: “There is a button that someone needs to press to unlock the door.”

(The employee makes no move to press the button or alert anyone else. I am starting to shuffle uncomfortably from one foot to the other when a random customer in line interjects.)

Random Customer: “Buddy, can you just press the button so she can use the bathroom?”

(The employee looks stunned by this idea but calls out to the back asking someone to let me into the women’s room. I go and stand by the bathroom door, but nothing happens for several minutes. I walk back to the counter.)

Me: “Can someone please open the door to the bathroom?”

(Someone finally pressed the button. I eye-rolled into oblivion while emptying my bladder.)

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