Planet Human

, , , , , | Working | April 23, 2018

(I’m a senior deckhand for a local cruise line. As such, I’m not only responsible for the safety gear and line handling during cruises, but for maintenance duties on the various boats, as is the rest of the Operations Department. On this day, I’ve spent an entire shift below decks, squished into the steering void of one of the boats, degreasing, grinding rust off of, and painting the rudder bar. Needless to say, I’ve gone a little stir crazy.)

Me: *in my best David Attenborough voice* “And here, we see the vanishingly rare Ops Gremlin emerging from her protective burrow. Should she see her shadow, we will have six more weeks of eight-passenger cruises…”

(My coworker, who was working the project with me, absolutely lost it for a few seconds, then insisted I post this here.)

It’s Like She’s Toying With You

, , , , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(I work on a cruise ship as a dishwasher and we’ve just arrived in Stockholm. We’re in quite a rush, and it’s only my coworker and me left to do a huge pile of dishes before we have to lock down the pentry. The bar is already locked down and our supervisors have left. The only set of keys to the bar is three decks down. A few minutes before closing, one of the bartenders brought in a cheap toy — something you get for free when you pick up a piece of candy sold everywhere — which was left behind by some parent and then put it in the now locked-down bar section. The parent suddenly appears in the kitchen, holding his happy-looking baby.)

Parent: “Excuse me, have you guys seen a toy somewhere? I must have left it behind and we need to get off the boat.”

Coworker: “Yes, actually. One of our bartenders took it into the bar, and we’re closed now. They’ve locked all the doors; I’m sorry.”

Parent: “You have to do something! You need to kick in the door! My baby won’t stop crying; he loves that toy!” *the very happy-looking baby laughs*

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we don’t have the keys to the bar, for security reasons. There’s nothing we can do. You can pick up the toy in Stockholm, too; it’s cheap and comes with [Candy].”

Parent: *shouting* “NO! HE WANTS THIS TOY! HE WON’T STOP CRYING! DO SOMETHING!” *the baby giggles*

Coworker: *looks at me, then nods* “All right, sir, I’ll try and call one of our supervisors to bring up the keys.”

Parent: “YES! THANK YOU!”

(No one answers my coworkers call, which isn’t unexpected, since we’ve all been up since 2:00 am and everyone usually goes straight to their cabin to catch up on their sleep.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but they’re not answering. I guess I could run down to the reception and see if the keys are there.”

Parent: *yelling even louder* “YES, YOU WILL! BRING ME MY CHILD’S TOY!”

(My coworker leaves and I’m left alone to try and rush through all the tasks, moving as fast as I can in the very small kitchen. The parent steps in.)

Me: “Sir, please, if you could just wait outside. My coworker is trying to find the keys and we’ll try to help, but I really need the space to do our tasks. She’ll be with you as fast as she can.”

Parent: “When will she get back?”

Me: “As fast as she can.”

Parent: “In two minutes? When will she be back?”

Me: *losing my temper a bit* “Sir, it will take the time it takes. The reception is three decks down and about 750 people are between her and the desk, getting off the boat. Are you sure you can’t pick up the toy in Stockholm? They sell it literally everywhere.”


(After a few minutes, my coworker arrived with the keys, looking flustered but happy to be able to help, opened the bar, and handed the toy to the baby. The parent did not say thank you, and the happy-looking, giggling baby started crying the moment he saw the toy. Thanks for nothing, I guess.)

A Twilight Discovery

, , , | Friendly | December 27, 2017

(I’m at a writer’s retreat, and we’re playing a game of Werewolf. Most players are villagers, but one or two are werewolves. The players vote to lynch one player each “day,” while the werewolves secretly kill a player each “night.” The goal is to find and kill the werewolves before they kill off the entire village. The first “day” is usually random guessing, in order to gauge people’s reactions. Two men have been accused of being werewolves. [Woman #1] jokingly backs up her choice by saying that she feels [Man #1] just looks like a murderer.)

Woman #2: “Okay, before we vote, we should give the accused a chance to defend themselves. [Man #1], you’ve been accused of looking like a murderer. Do you have a defence?”

Man #1: “This is just how I look. I have resting murder face.”

Woman #2: “And [Man #2]?”

Man #2: “I can’t be a werewolf for the simple fact that I am a vampire.”

Man #3: “Is that better?”

Me: “No, he makes a good point. We’re explicitly here to lynch werewolves. We can’t afford to be distracted by vampires right now.”

Getting On A Boat And Getting Sloshed

| Bahamas | Working | July 17, 2017

(I’m 15 and going on a cruise to the Bahamas with my 23- and 21-year-old sisters, as well as my parents. My sisters order wine one night at dinner, and our waitress comes back with three glasses instead of just two.)

Waitress: “Here you go.”

(She hands my sisters their drinks, and then proceeds to give me one.)

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think I ordered wine.”

Waitress: “Are you sure? I remembered all of the daughters ordered drinks.”

Me: “I’m 15.”

Waitress: “Oh, well, just keep it.” *winks* “No one has to know.”

Dad: “I know!”

They’re Not In The Same Boat

, , , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2017

(I am a kid. Our neighbors tell us about a nice dinner cruise they took on New Year’s and we all decide to go together. We get to the boat.)

Neighbor: “Hello, we’re here for the dinner cruise.”

Worker: *eyes the kids* “Umm, this is an adult cruise.”

Neighbor: *smiling* “What? We did this cruise during New Year’s.”

Worker: *clears throat* “Umm, yeah, we only do the kid-friendly cruises during the holidays.”

Neighbor: “How is the cruise not kid-friendly?”

Worker: “Umm…”

(At that moment, I look through the window of the boat and see a stripper pole. I tell my fellow neighbor’s children.)

Neighbor’s Child: *leans over to her mom and whispers in her ear*

Neighbor: *eyes go wide* “Oh!”

(We ended up going home and ordering pizza!)

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