I’m working at an excursions desk on a large cruise ship. A family (parents, two teen daughters) approaches and asks about a boating tour.

Mother: “So, if I go on this tour, will I see the dolphins with my eyes?”

Teen Daughter: “No, mom, you’ll see them with your a**hole. What else are you going to see them with?!”

Me: *Trying not to laugh.* “Yes, ma’am, you’ll see the dolphins with your real eyes.”

Mother: *Pointing to me but talking to her daughter.* “See! She knew I meant my real eyes and not… You know… other eyes!”

They booked the tour. They enjoyed it very much with their eyes.

A couple walks up to the guest services office on the cruise ship just as we’re docking at our next stop.

Passenger: “Where are we docked now?”

Me: “Malta, sir.”

Passenger: “When do we get to Sicily? We’re really looking forward to seeing it.”

Me: “Uh… sir, we were just in Sicily.”

Passenger: “No, that was Palermo.”

Me: “Which is the capital of Sicily.”

Passenger: “For real? Ugh, Europe is so dumb! It all looks the same!”

Passenger’s Wife: “You’re the dumb one, honey.”

I silently sigh, thinking the wife is about to put some sense into her husband:

Passenger’s Wife: “We’re not even in Europe! Europe is inside France, and France is landlocked!”

I don’t think I ever heard a more incorrect sentence in my entire life…

I’m on a cruise to New Zealand. I’m browsing at one of the stalls on the ship when I overhear a group berating the stall holder selling some of her homemade crafts.

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t accept US dollars?!”

Stall Holder: “This ship is based in New Zealand, and that’s where we’re bound, sir, so we only accept New Zea—”

Customer: “Australia and New Zealand both use dollars! I looked it up!”

Stall Holder: “New Zealand dollars, and Australian dollars, sir. It’s our own dollars, not US dollars.”

Customer: “The US dollar is the only dollar, so you have to accept it if your country accepts dollars!”

Stall Holder: “Okay, sir. This item is a hundred New Zealand dollars, so—”

Customer: *Throws a hundred-dollar US bill her way.* “Finally! You get it!”

The customer takes the item and walks away. I walk over and start a conversation.

Me: “So, that item was a hundred… New Zealand?”

Stall Holder: “Yup.”

Me: “Which in USD would make it…”

Stall Holder: “Maybe sixty?”

Me: “So he just—”

Stall Holder: “—tipped me forty. That’s what we’re calling it.”

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It is embarkation day for a large Caribbean cruise. I’m working at passport control, and a couple present some home-printed photocopies of their passports.

Me: “I need to see the originals, please.”

Passenger: “Why? We’re just going on the ship.”

Me: “Yes, but the ship is going into international waters and will be visiting ports in other countries. I need to see your original passports.”

Passenger: “We left them at home.”

I wait a moment to see if they’re joking.

Me: “Then I have to deny you entry.”

Passenger: “What?! You can’t be serious! Look! Those passports are valid and in date! Type in the codes!”

Me: “Would you try to board an international flight without your real passports?”

Passenger: “But it’s not safe to just carry passports around; copies are safer!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that defeats the entire purpose of a passport.”

They tried arguing more, but we had five thousand passengers to process, so I had to send them aside. They didn’t seem to be very functional, but they were functional enough to afford a cruise, which is crazy.

Coworker: *After they’ve left.* “Y’know, I think I’ll just print off some copies of $100 bills. After all, it is safer than carrying around real money!”

Our cruise has just passed the halfway mark, so we’re returning to Florida the same way we came. I’m greeting passengers as they enter the restaurant for breakfast.

Me: “Good morning, [Passenger]! Would you like your regular table?”

Passenger: “Sure, I’d love to—hey! What gives! You changed it!”

Me: “Changed what, sir?”

Passenger: “I liked that table because it gets the sunrise! But now the sunrise is on the other side of the ship!”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’ve turned around since yesterday, so—”

Passenger: “Put it back!”

Me: “Put what back, sir?”

Passenger: “The sun! I want the sunrise at that table!”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir. However, if you want to enjoy the sunrise, you can take a table on the other side of the restaurant. I can get you a table—”

Passenger: “No! I want that table! And I want the sunrise!”

Me: “As I said, I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir.”

Passenger: “This is terrible customer service! I’m going to complain to Guest Services!”

Me: “You are welcome to do that, sir.” 

I know someone in Guest Services, and told them that later on today they were likely to get “a real doozy” and that they should practise their explanations as to why [Cruise Company] cannot control the literal sun.