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Now That’s What You Call A Clean Sweep

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2023

Fifteen years ago, I took a Safety At Sea course while working on a passenger ship. Our instructor was going over various codes that could be announced over the PA system in cases of emergency — not the ones aimed at the passengers, but the ones alerting the crew to assemble at their stations. One of these was the code for a ship-wide search. Usually, this meant a missing person, like a lost child, but it could be anything, including bombs. And then he told us this story, which I have never forgotten.

The instructor was doing a refresher course on safety on a large cruise ship which (obviously) was otherwise unidentified. This course featured a lot of practical exercises, including a bomb search. The crew was assembled at their stations and told they were to search for explosives, which in actuality was just a box with the word “bomb” written on it. And off they went to search every nook and cranny of their designated area.

What the crew didn’t know was that the instructor had decided to add a second, more realistic “bomb”, which he had made in his cabin. It was nothing dangerous, just some wooden rods held together with tape and some electrical wires sticking out on one side — your typical action movie bomb. It sat on his desk for several days once he’d assembled it, and he hid it in a completely different location than the other one. The intended lesson was that when searching for dangerous objects such as these, you can’t stop after finding just one.

When the first “bomb” was found and brought to him, he asked the crew to keep searching because they needed to be sure there was only one aboard. And so he waited for the second one to be found. And waited. And waited.

After the crew had all done a very thorough search of the ship, they reported that they were sure there was nothing more to be found. The instructor was confused but accepted it. He’d done the rounds during the searches, and there was no reason to believe they’d been anything but thorough. He headed back to his cabin, intending to collect his more realistic prop later.

It was sitting on his desk. It turned out that he’d hidden the prop in the section assigned to the housekeeper who vacuumed his room. She’d recognised it and promptly returned it to his room. It was certainly an unexpected outcome, but at least he knew it had been found!

He’s Got The Gab But Not The Gams

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 20, 2023

I was mostly a witness to the first half of this story, and I was directly involved in the second half.

I’m on a cruise, and I come up to the pool. There’s a water volleyball game going on that looks like it’s in its final round. One guy in the pool (who I’ll call “Mr. D”) is a tall, large fellow who is being annoyingly abrasive. One of my friends who has been up here for the game fills me in that smack talk is allowed, but Mr. D has been overdoing it, and my friend and others around are talking about how done they are with how annoying he is.

Mr. D’s team wins, which he exults in, and the game is over. The host asks Mr. D to introduce himself for all the smack talk he did, which he does. 

Host: *On a microphone* “Allow me to introduce Mr. D, our champion trash-talker.”

There’s slight applause.

Host: “Now, that does it for our game. Stick around for our men’s sexy legs competition! We will need about ten men to compete and four ladies to be judges.”

With a little prodding, I volunteer to be a judge in this contest. I am led to the stage where I sit down on a chair and watch as the host rounds up men for this contest. 

Host: “We now have ten contestants for our competition, and we will no longer be taking volunteers. The show will begin in five minutes!”

The host and his assistant are rounding up the volunteers and prepping them for the competition. A minute later, Mr. D strides up to the host and starts chatting. I can’t hear what’s being said, but Mr. D is getting louder and more animated. Finally, the host returns to the stage.

Host: “Ladies and gentlemen, we will be starting our sexy legs competition shortly, and allow me to introduce our special guest who just got added to the roster, Mr. D!”

I inwardly groan as this guy struts up to the group of guys, ready for the competition. All the other volunteers look like they’re here for the fun, while Mr. D looks like he’s taking it entirely seriously.

The competition begins with the men crossing in front of the stage and pool, doing silly poses, and showing off their legs. It’s all in good fun, even though Mr. D reminds me of a rooster as he parades in front of the judges.

Then, in an interesting turn of events, the host turns to the audience, where a group of people has gathered near the stage to watch. The host walks up to a woman who’s at the front of the audience.

Host: “Well, ma’am, it looks like you’re enjoying this competition.”

Lady: “You bet!”

Host: “However, as great as these guys are, not all of them can make it to the next round. Which of our contestants do you think should not make it to the next round?”

Lady: *Without skipping a beat* “Mr. D!”

Host: “Mr. D? Why did you pick him?”

Lady: “Because this is the sexy legs competition.”

Thoroughly defeated, Mr. D took his cue and left, his walk definitely showing that he had felt this rejection. All of us judges burst out laughing and applauding, but we were also a little jealous that this random lady got to say what we all wanted to.

Sorry, This Ship Doesn’t Contain Turbolifts

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2023

I am explaining the map of the very large cruise liner to some guests who have just arrived.

Me: “And these corridors here can take you from the front to the back of the ship, or as we say: the bow and the stern. The elevators can be found here, here, and—”

Guest: “—which of the elevators can take us from the front to the back?”

Me: “Uh, none of them, ma’am.”

Guest: “Why not?” 

Guest’s Son:Mom! Because this isn’t the U.S.S. Enterprise!”

I’m glad he said it!

It’s Not Like Anyone Wants To See That!

, , , , , | Friendly | May 19, 2023

I’m on a cruise ship, and I go into the ladies’ room. You can clearly see if a door/stall is available (green) or occupied (red), which happens when you lock the door from the inside. 

I go to the first green door, and the door is shoved closed after I see [Lady #1] hovering over the toilet. 

I go to the next green door and am able to enter normally. I can hear [Lady #1] mumbling about rudeness from under the stall. 

I finish quickly and go to wash my hands. [Lady #2] enters, and she stares at the doors, debating which one to use. 

Me: *In a very slightly raised voice* “The symbol on the door will change to red when the door is locked so no one tries to enter when you are using it.”

Happy with my answer, [Lady #2] goes to the first green door, which is still occupied by [Lady #1]. She shouts out and says something about rudeness. 

I look back at [Lady #2].

Me: “She must have a thing for people watching her pee as she refuses to lock the door.”

We heard [Lady #1] loudly and almost violently lock her door.

Fasten Your Seatbelts; It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride

, , , , , , , | Right | April 18, 2023

While on a cruise, I book a tour of a historic site. After everyone boards the bus, the tour guide tells us that in his country it is required by law to wear seat belts. We buckle up and he checks to make sure we are all wearing the belts. One tourist near me has decided not to wear his.

Guide: “You need to buckle your seat belt.”

Tourist: “I am not wearing the belt.”

Guide: “Maybe you misunderstand me. It isn’t the cruise line recommending you wear your seat belt or the tour company recommending you wear the seat belt. It is the law of my country. I am not asking you to wear it; I am saying you have to.”

Tourist: “No, I’m not using the belt. I don’t want to.”

Guide: “Our driver cannot legally go on the roads if anyone doesn’t have the belt on, so you have two options. You can either buckle up and come see the ruins with us, or you can get off the bus and stay at the port. Your choice.”

Tourist: “I don’t have to wear a seat belt in my home country, so I’m not going to wear one here.”

 Guide: “Are we in your home country?”

Tourist: “No.”

Guide: “Then your country’s laws don’t apply here. Either buckle up or get off the bus.”

The man did buckle up, but he spent the whole ride talking angrily with his wife. I don’t know what exactly he was saying as it was in a different language, but the tourist got increasingly louder as the trip went on. He was so angry that, once we got to the site, he didn’t go on the tour; he just sat at the entrance.

His wife came with us on the tour, though, and she seemed like she had a great time. It’s a shame he ruined his day over a little safety thing like a seat belt.

If you thought this tourist was bad check out these 13 Cringeworthy True Stories About Tourists Who Have Absolutely No Clue!