Victimizing The Left

, , , | Learning | April 17, 2018

(I work in the main IT department for my university. We handle issues over the phone and in person. In our call center, there is a phone that is a direct line to each classroom. We call it the “Bat Phone.” If a professor has an issue, they simply pick up the phone, and we can troubleshoot or send someone onsite. This happens to my coworker.)

Professor: “Someone needs to come right now! I’ve dropped the mouse behind the desk and I can’t get to it now!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, the mouse is attached to the computer with a wire; you can just pick up the mouse by the wire.”

Professor: “No! Someone needs to come help me! I’m no good with computers. I don’t want to pull on the wrong wire. Plus, I’m left-handed! I can’t deal with this sort of thing!”

Coworker: *completely dumbfounded at the amount of stupidity* “I’ll be right over.”

Oh, The Humanities!

, , , , | Learning | April 16, 2018

(I attend a fairly prestigious liberal arts college, where students often try to present themselves as more intelligent and “woke” than their peers, so student humor often tends towards satirizing the pretentiousness of the student body itself. Additionally, there’s a pretty big divide between the humanities majors in Division I, arts and language, Division II, social sciences, and the STEM majors in Division III. This conversation is overheard in a dining hall between two physics majors, a boy and a girl, about a third student:)

Girl: “I like how we both tried to talk to him at the same time, but what I said was, ‘Have fun in lab!’ whereas you just declared your everlasting love—”

Boy: “I did not say, ‘everlasting’!”

Girl: “Okay, you just declared your temporary and ephemeral love—”

Boy: “Are you implying that my love for [Friend] is only meaningful if it’s eternal?”

Girl: “Am I? Does love even exist? Or is it really a social construct designed to enforce existing power structures in a post-industrial, capitalist society?”

Boy: “…”

Girl: “See? I can BS like a Div. II [humanities] major!”

No Need To Be Mooby About It

, , , , | Romantic | April 16, 2018

(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my halls comes and sits next to me. I am female.)

Guy: “Hey, how about I buy you a drink, and then we can get out of here?”

Me: “Ah, I’m really sorry. I’m a lesbian.”

(This is true.)

Guy: *thinks for a minute* “I have moobs?”

(I immediately twigged that he wasn’t serious, and he’s been one of my best friends for the last seven years. I was even his best woman when he got married.)

Let’s All Go Out Together!

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 14, 2018

I am hanging out with a bunch of friends one day in college, when another friend — we’re all native English speakers, mind — bursts through the door and shouts excitedly, “Who wants to die with me?!”

After we all stare at her awkwardly for a few seconds, before she realizes what she said and starts laughing. “I mean tie-dye! Tie-dye! [Sorority] has tie-dye buckets out on the walkway!”

So, to anyone who is learning English and feeling frustrated because of the number of words that sound like something else: don’t worry about it. People who grew up speaking the language still say lots of hilariously weird things!

Prison Break Your Tooth

, , , , , , | Learning | April 14, 2018

In 2001, I was a freshman attending college. The school had an excellent reputation for its technical and engineering programs, but a much less stellar one for its food. They managed to ruin every meal, including self-serve cereal — a fact that infuriated most students, as the same company would produce gourmet-level meals for parents’ weekend or other special events. However, as the school was located in the middle of a not-very-friendly city, and meal plans were a required part of tuition, most meals were taken at the school cafeteria.

One particular night, my friends and I went for dinner at the all-you-can-eat buffet, where one of my friends decided to have the manicotti. We were all talking, eating, and having a good time, when suddenly said friend got a very odd look on his face. He reached up and spit out a drywall screw! There was a drywall screw in his manicotti.

Naturally, we complained to the management. The manager in charge, of course, immediately declared it wasn’t their fault. It was, and I quote, “A manufacturing defect.”

What part of making manicotti involves drywall screws?

We continued to make our displeasure known, both to the management and to the school. Nothing was ever done about it. My friend was given a refund for the price of his meal, and was promptly ignored.

Of course, the story doesn’t end there. We later would discover that the same company that provided meals for our school also served the local prison, and that we were getting the same meals on the same days as them. We were literally eating prison food. It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to us that that manicotti might just have been meant to go to the prison. We may have eaten someone’s prison escape attempt. There was probably some prisoner frantically searching through the manicotti, trying to find his smuggled screw.

To this day, I have never been able to eat manicotti.

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