Roommate Berate

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 20, 2018

(My college roommate and I are randomly assigned, so we don’t know each other at all. One week into the semester, some of her friends stop by to pick her up for a party.)

Roommate: “I’ve got the brownies ready. Did you get the booze?”

Friend: “No, and our IDs got confiscated, so we can’t get any more.”

(Suddenly, all of them turn to look at me with a glint in their eyes.)

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. One, I’m 20. Two, buying for a minor is illegal and punishable by a fine of ten grand and up to five years in prison, and I don’t like you that much.”

Roommate: “Fair enough.”

Not Even Taking Calculated Risks

, , , , , | Learning | June 17, 2018

(I am in university in a town 30 kilometers away from home. The university is a famous one, and I managed to get into the Business & Economy faculty, which is one of the top faculties there. I am attending the second meeting for statistics class, at the beginning of our first semester.)

Professor: “All right, class, have you all brought a scientific calculator, as I asked last meeting?”

Class: *nods and sounds of agreement*

Professor: “Okay, does anyone here know how to use it?”

Me: *raises hand* “I do.”

Class: *silence*

(Confused, I look around and see that no one else has their hand up.)

Professor: “Just one this semester? Hmm. Well, why don’t you come here and show the others how to use it?”

(I go to the front, still confused.)

Me: “Okay, just to make sure, do you guys only know how to use the basic functions of it, or do none of you know how to use it at all?”

Class: *shakes head*

Me: “How about the calculator in your smartphones? Surely you’ve used that once or twice?”

Class: *more head shaking*

Me: “Then… how have you been doing math all this time?”

Classmate: “I usually just Google the answer.”

Class: *murmurs of agreement*

(I stand there in disbelief, long enough that the professor tells me to sit down and takes over teaching the class how to use calculators. Later, after class has ended:)

Me: “Sir, I still couldn’t believe that someone who got this far has never used a calculator.”

Professor: “It’s very common, from what I’ve seen. The most I’ve seen in a year was three students.”

(I lost the — admittedly small — amount of faith I had in humanity that day.)

I “Haven’t” Got Anything Nice To Say

, , , , , , | Learning | June 14, 2018

(I am meeting with my advisor to discuss scheduling my first classes. I was enrolled at another college a few years prior to this for a different major, but decided to move back home and switch to a medical field. On my way to the campus, there is a traffic jam due to an accident. I call my advisor’s office and leave a voicemail explaining my tardiness and apologizing. I arrive ten minutes late and rush in, still apologizing to the secretary. She smiles and asks if I’d like a seat and some water. Before I can answer, I hear a cough behind me. My advisor sticks his head out of his office.)

Advisor: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I’m so sorry. There was an accident and I—”

Advisor: “Late is late.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. I left a voicemail for you—”

Advisor: “I don’t care.”

Me: “Okay… Can we still meet or should I reschedule?”

Advisor: *long pause* “I can run through your curriculum with you this time, but next time, leave earlier.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Throughout the entire meeting, I get the feeling he simply doesn’t like me. He asks questions and doesn’t wait for an answer, and he assumes I know nothing about college or how classes work, basically implying that I’m an idiot. He actually makes a phone call, not related to our meeting, when I am mid-sentence! Finally, this happens:)

Advisor: “There are links here at the bottom of this page. They cover studies you should be familiar with before your first class. Have you followed them?”

Me: “No, I haven’t seen them, but I will tonight.”

Advisor: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I’ll watch them tonight.”

Advisor: “No. What did you say, exactly?”

Me: “Uh, I think I said—” *repeats*

Advisor: *stares at me* “Proper grammar is very important.”

Me: “What did I say?”

Advisor: “You don’t say, ‘haven’t seen.’ It’s improper.”

Me: “With all due respect, sir, I’m pretty sure ‘haven’t seen’ is correct.”

Advisor: “…”

Me: “…”

Advisor: “Get out.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Advisor: “I will not waste my time with someone who thinks they know more than me.”

Me: “I wasn’t trying to say that.”

Advisor: “Leave. Now.”

(I left and immediately went home to my husband, angry, confused, and on the verge of tears. He encouraged me to write a letter to the head of the department and the Dean. I did, and they both agreed that my advisor was out of line. I switched advisors and went on to get my degree. I haven’t seen him since.)

Bros Before Woes

, , , , , | Friendly | June 12, 2018

(I am a bisexual female, and one of my guy friends knows this. He also isn’t exactly the brightest bulb. Right now he’s discussing the “bro code,” and how in his mind it applies to me, too, since I can develop crushes on girls.)

Friend: “So, do you like anyone right now?”

Me: “I do have a crush on [Girl], but I’m pretty sure it’s unrequited because I think she’s straight, and she’s engaged to [Girl’s Fiancé]. I’m okay with that, though, because I also want to be friends with her.”

Friend: “So, bro code says I can’t hit on her.”

Me: *wondering if he even heard half of what I said* “I don’t think bro code is the reason you shouldn’t hit on her. Remember, she has a fiancé.”

Friend: “But I can’t hit on her because you like her.”

Me: *giving in* “Fine, yes. Don’t hit on her because of bro code. It would be rude to me.”

(I don’t think he ever figured out that bro code played no factor in this situation, but on the plus side, I think he also never figured out who [Girl] was, so I doubt her fiancé ever had to worry about me apparently having more “claim” over his future wife’s potential suitors than he did.)

Not Shielded From Your Sarcasm

, , , , , | Learning | June 9, 2018

(I work at the largest university in Alaska, and we frequently have earthquake drills and, of course, the required fire drills. I am designated as one of our building safety personnel in charge of evacuating the building and getting people to the designated “safe” area away from the building, a large portion of which is floor-to-ceiling plate glass windows. The meeting area is located safely behind the cement parking garage, a good distance from our building. However, people get weirdly stubborn about moving to the correct area, even as I wave and point and usher them. I start becoming very creative in handling these recalcitrant evacuees.)

Me: *in official vest and over bullhorn* “Please step this way behind the parking garage, towards the designated meeting area!”

(A few people move.)

Me: “Folks, please be sure to thank those people over there—” *indicates the people still stubbornly standing right next to the giant glass building* “—who have bravely volunteered to be a human shield for you in the event of a fire or other disaster in which our building, made entirely of glass, could potentially explode outward.” *pause for effect* “Their sacrifice in protecting you from the explosive shrapnel will be much appreciated!”

(The human shields eschew the honor and glory, and move to relative safety behind the parking garage, glaring at me all the while.)

Me: *mentally shrugging; it’s part of my job and I can’t get fired over this* “Thank you for playing the ‘How to stay alive during a natural disaster’ game! Herb, tell them what they’ve won!”

(Most people were laughing pretty hard at this point. The few holdouts glowered at me the entire time.)

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