Their Vegan Knowledge Is A Bit Sloppy

, , , | Right | September 25, 2020

I work at a campus dining hall, where we have clear signs labeling everything we serve, including the dish name, allergens, and whether it is vegetarian or vegan. Problem is, no one reads the signs, ever. One notable example happens when I am serving two different entrees: Sloppy Joes and Spicy Beef Taco Meat — that’s what the signs read, no kidding. A customer shows up, and this exchange occurs.

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

The customer has a look at the food I’m serving and gestures to the Sloppy Joes and Spicy Beef Taco Meat.

Customer: “Is either of these two things vegan?”

I am shocked for a few seconds.

Me: “I’m sorry, but neither of these foods is vegan. Would you like anything else?”

The customer said no and then walked off.

I do get why the customer might be a bit confused about Sloppy Joes if he hadn’t heard about them before, but “Spicy Beef Taco Meat”? It can’t get more obvious than that that the dish is most definitely NOT vegan.

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Sometimes, Something Beautiful Happens…

, , , , , | Friendly | September 25, 2020

I’m heading to join my friends at their usual area in the cafeteria when one of them leaps from his seat and runs up to me.

Friend: *Excited* “[My Name]! Have you heard I just had sex?!”

Me: *Stunned* “Congratulations?”

The Lonely Island had released a song titled “I Just Had Sex,” and that was how I found out about it.

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Higher Than His Intelligence Level, That’s For Sure

, , , , | Right | September 24, 2020

I work at an on-campus smoothie shop throughout college and have had many interesting and funny interactions with other students during my time here. This one has always stuck out to me.

Two guys approach my register, and one of them has incredibly red eyes and looks pretty, well, “baked.”

Me: “Hi! What can I get you guys?”

Guy #1: “Yeah… Uh, yeah. Can I get—um… I want strawberry and banana. What comes in that?”

Me: “Our strawberry banana smoothie is called [Smoothie #1]. It has strawberries and bananas and it also comes with milk, sugar, and van—”

Guy #1: “Yeah, it’s good, it’s good, it’s good. What about [Smoothie #2]?”

Me: “That one is mostly banana and ice cream. It’s very good! It’s thick like a milkshake, though.”

Guy #1: “So, it’s a milkshake?”

Me: “Well, it’s a smoothie. It’s just a bit thick.”

Guy #1: “It’s a milkshake?”

Me: “It’s a banana smoothie with some ice cream.”

Guy #1: “Okay. It’s a milkshake?”

I’m starting to realize we could be here all day.

Me: “Yeah, kind of.”

Guy #1: “I’ll get that. Does it— Um. Will it taste like a smoothie?”

Guy #2: *Totally embarrassed* “Dude, the store is called Smoothie [Shop]. They serve smoothies; they’re all gonna taste like smoothies! Please just pick something!”

I thought the whole interaction was hilarious. It was also not the last time we got some really high students in our store.

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Sometimes Love Goes With Logic

, , , , , , , | Working | September 22, 2020

I got engaged in college, after dating my fiancé for a few years. I know that seems young to a lot of people, and for some people, it is too young. Not surprisingly, a few people expressed surprise that we were planning to get married at our age. Two funny reactions came from military officers; I was in ROTC, and as the wedding date was before graduation and commissioning, I thought I should tell the officers in charge of our unit.

The first reaction was from a hard-nosed, very strict, imposing, and somewhat intimidating captain. He broke out in a huge grin and exclaimed, “Congra— Wait, how long have you known him? Longer than a couple of weeks, right?” I reassured the captain that we’d been dating for a few years and his smile returned. “Then I’ll stick with my first instinct: congratulations!”

But a major seemed disappointed and asked me why I wanted to get married so young. She said, “Why are do want to settle down with your fiance right now? Don’t you want to get out there and explore, go see the world?”

“Of course,” I said. “With him.”

She blinked a few times before saying, “That’s… a really good answer. I’ve never thought of it that way before.”

We’re about to have our fifteenth wedding anniversary this summer.

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It’s A Big, Scary Ocean Out There

, , , , , , | Learning | September 18, 2020

I live in a small house on campus. It is a dorm, but we only have about a dozen rooms. I become good friends with two of the other girls, [Friend #1] and [Friend #2].

My second year, at the “get to know you” meeting, the three of us decide to take one of the freshmen under our wings. Our chosen freshman, who we call “Little Fish” — freshmen are often referred to as fish around here — is a very small girl, not even 100 pounds soaking wet, maybe five-foot-nothing. She is a sweet little thing, she was homeschooled, and while she knows how to do housework and is very well-prepared academically, she is very naive and believes nothing bad could ever happen to her.

One day, we find out she has been walking home alone from her night classes. Being the concerned big sisters we are, we have to stage an intervention. We sit her down in the lobby one day.

Friend #1: “Okay, Little Fish, it has come to our attention that you are walking home at night alone and unarmed.”

Little Fish: “Um, I guess.”

Me: “And are you aware just how dangerous this is?”

Little Fish: “Um, no. I mean, you guys walk around alone all the time. I don’t see why I shouldn’t if you do.”

[Friend #1] and I are both over 100 pounds and at least half a foot taller than Little Fish. [Friend #2] weighs more than all of us combined and is a weightlifter.

Friend #2: “Fish, you are small and portable.”

Little Fish: “No, I’m not.”

Me: “Yes, you are.”

Little Fish: “I’m not.”

[Friend #2] stands up, grabs Little Fish, throws her over her shoulder, sprints down the hall, touches the back door, and then sprints back and drops Little Fish back on the couch.

Friend #2: “See, portable.”

Little Fish: “That’s not fair! I wasn’t prepared for any of you to try and kidnap me. I’d be prepared for a stranger on the street.”

Me: *Standing up slowly* “Okay, Little Fish, I’m going to pick you up now.”

I proceed to grab her by the waist and carry her a few feet while she flails her hands about wildly. She manages to make contact with my face a few times but I don’t even have a bruise the next day. After I set her down again:

Little Fish: “But [Friend #2] could carry both of you off just as easy.”

Friend #1: “Honey, I carry a full-sized umbrella everywhere no matter the weather. It’s not just a style choice; that thing is a weapon and I can use it.”

Me: “And I have pepper spray on my key chain and have been learning aikido for years.”

Friend #2: “Heck, I carry pepper spray and I’m the least likely person in this room to ever need to use it.”

Little Fish: “Oh, but why would anyone want to kidnap me?”

Friend #1: “Because the world is a dark and scary place full of bad people.”

Little Fish: “It is?!”

I started dragging Little Fish to my aikido classes. We also found a friend of a friend who was taking the same night class and got him to walk with her, since his boyfriend’s dorm was in the building next door to ours.

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