The Answer Is Always 42

, , , , | Working | June 25, 2017

(A little bit of backstory: I receive a phone from my parents for Christmas one year. As part of the gift, they agree to pay the contract for the first two years (the length of the contract), at which point it will be transferred to me. However, I go away to university in this time, so we set up with the company that I have the authorisation to speak on behalf of my father in case there are any issues while I am away from home.)

Me: “Hi, I’m having a problem with my account. It’s under [Father], but I should be on your system as having authorisation to speak on his behalf? My name is [My Name].”

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, yes, I see, ma’am. That is absolutely fine. We will require the answer to the account holder’s security question in order to continue, though.”

(I know the answers that my father would give to most standard security questions; however, since the account was set up in my absence, I don’t know which question he set.)

Me: “Okay, that should be fine. Can you tell me what the question is?”

Customer Service Rep: “No.”

Me: “…why not?”

Customer Service Rep: “You are not the account holder.”

Me: “But I have the authority to speak in his stead. You’ve already said that your system acknowledges that.”

Customer Service Rep: “I cannot divulge that information.”

Me: “But… look, it’s not as if I’m asking for a hint, or for you to tell me the answer. I’m asking for the question. That information is useless without the answer.”

Customer Service Rep: “I can’t tell you.”

Me: *giving up* “I’ll get in touch with my father and call you back.”

(He couldn’t remember which question he’d used either. Luckily, my mother could.)

Never A Fan Of People Who Like Walls (Of Text)

, , , , , | Learning | June 25, 2017

(I’m a girl and a senior. I’m taking a class with a professor I’ve had previously. I get put in a project group with three men who are juniors. We are getting ready for our final presentation when I discover that one of the men has altered our PowerPoint. He and I have butted heads all semester, as I know how the professor likes projects done, and he does not believe me.)

Me: “[Classmate #1], did you mess with my slides?”

Classmate #1: “I didn’t like your slides, so I fixed them!”

(My slides were previously short bullet points. They are now a massive wall of text.)

Me: “Dude. Dr. [Professor] always says not to put a ton of text on our slides. He wants to us to tell him about our project. He doesn’t want to read a bunch of slides. The PowerPoint is there to enhance our parts, not take them over.”

Classmate #1: “You keep saying that, but I don’t think you’re right!”

Me: “I’ve had Dr. [Professor] for two other classes, and that’s always what he says. And he means it!”

Classmate #2: “HEY! You edited my slides, too!”

Classmate #1: “Yours didn’t have enough text either! Just those graphs!”

Classmate #2: “[My Name] has had Dr. [Professor] multiple times, so we should listen to her.”

Classmate #1: “FINE. I’ll put them all back the way they were, but I’m leaving all the text on mine. I know what I’m doing. All my past professors love the level of detail in my presentations!”

Me: “Whatever, [Classmate #1]. But make sure you tell him that you did your own slides.”

Classmate #1: “Of course I will!” *smirks*

(A couple days later, we’ve just finished our presentation, and are waiting on feedback.)

Professor: “[My Name], nice job on the intro and setup of your group’s findings. You always do very well at that. [Classmates #2 and 3], the graphs and charts were a great touch, and really added value to the presentation. [Classmate #1], I sense your enthusiasm, and your research was great, but your slides were a wall of text. Nobody wants to sit there and read slides.”

Classmate #1: “But—”

Professor: “Overall, very well researched and thought out. Nice job!”

Classmate #1: *turns to me as we’re walking to our seats* “You should’ve warned me!”

Me: “I DID, several times! You didn’t listen! Just like you haven’t listened the whole semester!”

(I heard the professor snort and start chuckling. Classmate #1 stomped back to his seat.)

Things Are Looking Up

, , , , | Working | June 24, 2017

(For several months, my wife and I have been fighting with a well-known cable TV provider over our bill. They have been attempting to raise our prices every month and every month my wife will call in to dispute it, and every month, they apply just enough credit to not make switching worth the effort. The last increase is almost a $30 jump and needless to say, we’re both pretty fed up. Then this happens when she calls in:)

Wife: “Look, this is the fifth time I’ve called about our monthly cost. Our bill has just jumped from $90 to $120 for no reason. Nothing has changed in the programming, equipment, nothing. There has to be something you can do about this. It’s ridiculous!”

Rep: “Okay. Let’s see what we can do. If I apply [Credit #1] and [Credit #2] and [Deal] and [Promo], I can get your price down to $130 a month.”

Wife: “What? Did you say $130?”

Rep: “I’m sorry. That’s the best I can do right now.”

Wife: “That’s $10 more than the bill I’m calling to complain about!”

Rep: “Well, another price increase just went into effect since the last bill, and I don’t have any other promotions I can apply to your account.”

Wife: “So what you’re telling me is that my bill is going to increase again next month regardless of what you do now.”

Rep: “Yes. Have I provided you with excellent service today?”

Wife: “No!”

(Needless to say, later that day we called a competitor, scheduled installation with them, and cancelled our account with the existing provider.)

Quitters’ Anonymous

, , , , , | Working | June 23, 2017

(I work at a trucking company on night shift and I dispatch our drivers, answering phone calls and messages. One night I got a call from the wife of one of our drivers.)

Me: “[Company], this is [My Name].”

Woman: “Hi, my husband drives for you and wants to quit and is wondering where to return his truck.”

Me: “Is he under a load right now?”

Woman: “Yes, I think he’s somewhere in Louisiana right now.”

(Wondering why he isn’t calling us, I try to get some information so I can look him up in our system, and also wondering if I’ll need to get someone else to take care of his load if he quits while hauling a loaded trailer.)

Me: “Do you know his driver ID number or truck number?”

Woman: “No, he doesn’t want you to know that.”

Me: “Can you ask him to call us so we can help him?”

Woman: “No, he doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Me: “Okay, can I have his name?”

Woman: “No, he doesn’t want you to know who he is.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, without knowing who he is, there’s not much I can do.”

Woman: *seeming to realize that he can’t quit his job anonymously* “I’ll ask him for more information.” *hangs up*

(Later, he did call us and we were able to help him, but how did he expect his wife to quit his job for him without telling us who was quitting?)

Living In A La La Land

, , , , , | Working | June 22, 2017

(I’m conducting a disciplinary meeting with an employee who has numerous customer complaints, late punches, and missed days. His department head is there as my co-manager.)

Me: “I need you to understand that this meeting is your last warning. If you have any issues over the next month, we will be letting you go. Now, we need to look at these write ups one by one, and you will have a chance to discuss each one, okay?”

Employee: “No!”

Department Head: “Are you putting in your resignation?”

Employee: “No, you’re just doing it wrong! You’re supposed to say two nice things for every bad thing. You said something mean, so now you have to give me two compliments.”

Me: “I’m not saying anything mean; we are just reviewing the facts. Okay, the first write up was from your supervisor, and—”

Employee: “I’m not listening until both of you AND [Supervisor] say something nice!”

Department Head: “Okay, this isn’t the point of a disciplinary meeting—”

Employee: *putting hands over his ears* “LALALA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LALALA! NOT LISTENING! LALALA!”

(This keeps up for a minute while we sit shocked, then I turn and print out and sign the paperwork that terminates the employee. The whole time he has his hands over his ears and is yelling. He finally stops when security arrives.)

Employee: “You can’t fire me yet! You said I’d have a chance to explain my write ups! This isn’t fair!”

Me: *quietly to the department head* “Lalala, not listening.”

Page 1/512345