Flightless Birds And Bees

| Romantic | July 25, 2013

(I have just got a new boyfriend, and we are both 23 years old. We’re shopping at a store when we see someone run into a display, knock it on the floor, and run away. We decide to help by picking things up.)

Boyfriend: “Huh? Do you know what these are?” *shows me condoms*

Me: *a little tense* “Uh… just put them back.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

(Later we go outside to the street.)

Me: “Alright, listen. I do not appreciate you teasing me about condoms. I’m not that type of person, and we’ve only been dating for two weeks.”

Boyfriend: “Why would I tease you? I was just asking what it is because I don’t know.”

Me: “…seriously?”

Boyfriend: “What’s the matter?”

Me: “You… really do not know what condoms are?”

Boyfriend: “I don’t know everything. Why are you hounding me on asking a simple question?”

Me: “Well, I’m surprised. But if you don’t know, then let’s forget this. Go look up what a condom is on the internet or something.”

(It is later in the day, and we’re at our respective homes.)

Boyfriend: “Now that was pretty gross.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “What you told me to look up. I had no clue how people have babies before today!”

Me: “…wait, you didn’t even know that?”

Boyfriend: “Everyone told me storks brought babies.”

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Freedom Isn’t Free

, , | Right | February 7, 2014

(I work at a wholesale club and every few months we give out free 90 day trials in lieu of paying for a membership. I have just finished explaining our offer to a customer.)

Me: “So, did you want to try our paid membership or just get the 90 day free trial?”

Customer: “I have a question.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your question?”

Customer: “This is completely free?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “So, you mean to tell me that for 90 days I can come in here, and get anything I want for free?”

(I pause and look at them for a second, and I ask her to repeat her question, which she does.)

Me: “Ma’am, only the membership is free. You still have to pay for the items.”

Customer: “Well, that is just false advertising. You all shouldn’t say something is free if you still have to pay for it.

(She stormed off and I sat there wondering what just happened.)

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The Lawsuit Has A Ghost Of A Chance

| Right | January 6, 2014

(I’m just coming on shift in the emergency room. A patient approaches my desk, then leans over and glares down at me.)

Patient: “I just want you to know that if I go home and die because of your substandard care that I’m going to sue you and never forgive the hospital.”

(The patient doesn’t give me any chance to say anything before he walks out the door.)

Coworker: “I wonder how many lawyers take on angry ghosts as clients?”

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Good Tips Deserve A Good Tip

| Working | June 14, 2013

(I’m doing a pub crawl with my friends. We’ve stayed long enough at one particular bar, so we pay our bills and are on our way out. Before we make it to the door, the bartender stops us.)

Bartender: “Excuse me, which one of you left the tip line blank?”

My Friend: “That one’s me.”

Bartender: “You shouldn’t leave it blank. It’s not a good idea.”

My Friend: “I don’t think it’s any of your business whether I choose to tip or not!”

Bartender: “No, sir, that’s not what I mean. What I really mean is that if you don’t wish to tip, you should write zero in the tip line. If you leave it blank, some a**hole can write whatever amount he wants as a tip and steal money from your credit card. And it would be difficult to get your bank to reverse the charge, because you would’ve been drinking, which lowers your credibility. Now, I’m telling you this because I am NOT one of those a**holes, but I overheard you’ve been to several other bars in the city already, and that you plan on going to more bars tonight, so I want you to have a fun but safe night.”

My Friend: *sheepishly* “Uh, wow… I did not know that. Thanks!”

Bartender: “Just doing what I can to not let the scummy bartenders get away with what they want. They really are a disgrace to the profession.”

(My friend grabs his bill from the bartender, and decides to correct his mistake. He wrote down $20 for the honest bartender.)

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The Flash Versus The Flush

| Working | October 28, 2013

(My art team and I are enjoying our morning coffee as we situate ourselves in our conference room to begin the day. Typically, we have random conversations about even more random topics as we all filter into the room.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, what kind of super power would you have?”

Coworker #2: “Shape-shifting.”

Coworker #3: “Flying.”

Coworker #4: “I want to control the weather like Storm.”

Coworker #5: “I want to control people’s bowel movements so I can make them poop their pants.”

Coworker #1: “Yea… you’d be a villain.”

Coworker #5: “And you’d be sitting in your own poop right about now.”

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