Great stories from our entire backlog!

This Professor Is Making Me Nervous

| Learning | September 10, 2013

(I am in a physiological psychology class on the first day. Our professor is really laid back and relaxed, and is leaning against the whiteboard for most of class. Right now, he’s going over our notes on the autonomic nervous system with the class.)

Professor: “So, we have the parasympathetic nervous system, which handles basic maintenance stuff, and we have the sympathetic nervous system, which handles stuff like—”

(The marker tray he’s leaning against breaks, and the entire bottom part of the whiteboard falls to the ground with a huge bang! The whole class jolts up in shock, and the professor yelps and jumps.)

Classmate: “Professor, you okay!?”

Professor: “Yeah I’m fine! And as I was saying: It handles the fight or flight response! That was totally intentional.”

(It did indeed make for a very good example!)

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Life Without Coffee Is A Scream

| Right | October 3, 2014

(I am a customer at a local coffee shop. There are several people in line behind me, so I order and pay and then step out of the way while the barista makes my drink.)

Barista: “One [drink I ordered]!”

(I didn’t think my drink would be ready so quickly given how busy they are, but nobody else steps forward, so I take it.)

Me: “Thanks!”

Angry Lady: “What the h***? That’s my coffee!” *to the barista* “This woman just stole my f****** coffee!”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, was this yours?”

Angry Lady: “Of course it’s f****** mine! F*** you! What gives you the right to take my coffee?”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I ordered the same thing, and nobody stepped up to take it so I thought it was mine.”

Angry Lady: “F*** you! You’re just a broke [racial slur] loitering outside a coffee shop trying to steal other people’s food! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Barista: “Actually, ma’am, this lady ordered and paid for the same drink as you. She has already apologised for her mistake, and if you just wait a moment, I’m making her drink now and you can take that one.”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’d give this back but I already took a sip. If you take my drink we’ll both have what we ordered.”

Angry Lady: “I don’t want your f****** coffee. I want mine!”

Barista: “Ma’am, they are exactly the same, and please stop cursing. There are children here.”

Angry Lady: “Go f*** yourself!”

(She grabs the coffee out of my hand, flings it on the ground at my feet, throws the empty cup at the barista, and then storms off without a drink.)

Barista: *shrugs* “Shame she chucked that coffee on the ground. I think she needs it!”

(She finished making my drink. The angry lady was nowhere to be seen, so I took it and left. It was the best coffee I’d had all week!)

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Be Sure They Turn Left At The Bering Strait

| Right | March 16, 2009

(A man calls in and leaves the following voicemail…)

Caller: “Hello, you shysters! You have forty-eight hours to call me or I’ll have the RCMP come and arrest you for fraud. That’s right, the Mounties are coming!”

Me: *to manager* “So, a man is going to have the Mounties arrest me.”

Manager: “Really. Can they do that?”

Me: “Not in Utah.”

Manager: *laughs*

Me: “It gets better. I gave him the support number and the only people answering phones are in Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to see him sic the Mounties on THEM.”

Manager: “Let me know if he does!”

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Keeping A Deadly Account

| Right | November 29, 2016

(I work for a call center that helps customers with their credit card concerns.)

Me: “[Credit Card Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Hello. I would like to know my balance, please.”

Me: “I will be more than happy to help you with that. May I have your card number?”

Caller: “I do not have that with me; can I give you my social instead?”

Me: “Sure. May I have your social?”

Caller: “It’s [Social Security Number].”

Me: “And may I have your name?”

Caller: “[Caller].”

Me: “Thanks, [Caller]. And can I have the four-digit PIN associated with the account?”

Caller: “I do not know that.”

(Even early on, I know that the caller is a fraudster. I see something on the account that I can use to shut him down.)

Me: “Thanks, [Caller]. Now, before I continue, can I ask you one question? Do you believe in resurrection?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because you may have risen from the dead as the owner of this account has recently passed away.”

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The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers

, , , , | Romantic | April 22, 2012

(My husband and I are in a comic book store looking at collectable comics. I pick up an old X-Men comic.)

Me: “Hey, hun. What would happen if you cut off Wolverine’s head? Would he grow a new head, or a new body?”

Husband & Store Owner: “What?”

Me: “Or, would his head grow a new body, his body grow a new head, and end up with two Wolverines?”

Husband: “Wolverine has an adamantium spine. You can’t cut his head off.”

Me: “But, what about before he got the adamantium? What if someone had cut his head off? And if then it had made two Wolverines, would they have worked together, or would they have tried to kill each other until the end of time?”

Store Owner: “I don’t know where you found her, buddy, but never let her go.”

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