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I Think I Struck Me Some Gold, Pa

, , , | Right | February 16, 2009

(It is our restaurant’s policy to keep the front door unlocked after closing if there are still customers seated in the dining room. Unfortunately, this means people are free to wander in, even though we can’t serve them. One night, a teenage couple comes in after we are closed.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I can’t perform any more transactions; I don’t have a cash register anymore.”

Customer: “So, what, everything’s free?”


This story is part of the Closing Time roundup!

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Read the Closing Time roundup!

A Fish In Troubled Waters

| Right | July 14, 2015

(I am an unpaid volunteer at a local aquarium. On this particular day we have a chocolate company visiting and vendors are set up throughout the building selling their food. I am working at an information desk at this time.)

Guest: “Hey, do happen to have an ATM in here?”

Me: “I apologize sir, but the closest ATM is outside in the parking garage.”

Guest: *suddenly yelling* “You mean to tell me I have to go all the way outside, come in, and pay AGAIN?!”

Me: “I assure you, you won’t have to pay again if you have your ticket. If not, you can ask for me to come verify you’ve been in. However, you will have to go back outside. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Guest: “YOU KNOW WHAT?! I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR S***, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE F***!”

Me: “Sir, please stop swearing; there are young children around. Again, I apologize for any inconvenience this has brought upon you, but we do not have a general need for an ATM except for this one day.”

(The guest goes into a rant about how I am ignorant and it is my fault the aquarium is losing money. I am losing my patience with this man and start zoning out. When he pauses to breathe, I take my chance to interject.)

Me: “I am terribly sorry, sir, but we do not have a use for ATMs as the fish do not require us to pay them on a regular basis.”

(The manager, who witnessed the whole thing, started laughing as she had security escort the man out.)

(Very) Bad Translation

| Working | January 12, 2015

(I have a new colleague who can only speak English and Korean. She wants, very much, to get along with everyone at the front office, including the chief concierge, who is a middle-aged, very proper Malay gentleman. She enlists the bellhops to teach her greetings in Malay. They oblige, not knowing that she was going to use what she would learn on their boss, the chief concierge. Unbeknownst to her, all they taught her were curse words. This happens one morning when she is assured that she is fluent in the language.)

Colleague: “Mr [Chief Concierge], [swear word]!”

Chief Concierge: *shocked* “Who taught you that?!”

Colleague: *innocently* “[Bellhop #1] and [Bellhop #2]. I asked them to teach me how to say ‘Good Morning’ in Malay. Did I pronounce it wrongly?”

Chief Concierge: *angrily* “What else did they teach you?”

Colleague: *taken aback by his reaction* “Well, some other greetings, like [lots of foul language].”

Chief Concierge: “Nice girls like you shouldn’t know such bad words! How dare [Bellhop #1] and [Bellhop #2] teach you such nasty stuff? Don’t ever say all that again!”

Colleague: “What?! They taught me bad words?! I might have said it to a guest!”

(The two bellhops were standing nearby, horrified, when this incident happened. They were reprimanded severely by the chief concierge.)

Wrong Said Fred

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2010

Me: “May I help you?”

Caller: “Please put me through to [Owner].”

Me: “Sure, who’s calling, please?”

Caller: “His cousin Fred.”

Me: “I didn’t know he had a cousin Fred.”

Caller: “Why would you? You just answer phones! This is a family affair and none of your business! Who do you think you are, anyway?”

Me: “[Owner]’s daughter.” *click*


This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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Stripped Of Your Cash

| Right | August 22, 2011

(The cardholder sounds very very drunk.)

Caller: “Why did you let the card take out $5,000?”

Me: “It shows that you did an ATM withdrawal for $5,000 in Las Vegas, NV. Was this you?”

Caller: “No! It was the stripper she took it. She took it! Why did you let her take it?”

Me: “Your card was stolen by a stripper?”

Caller: “No, no, no! Why aren’t you listening to me?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t understand. What happened?”

Caller: “I wanted a lap dance. So, I gave the stripper my card and PIN number to get money.”

Me: “You gave her your card and PIN and told her to get $5000?”

Caller: “No! Why aren’t you listening to me? I told the stripper to get $300 for my lap dance.”

Me: “So, she took too much money?”

Caller: “Why did you let her? When is she coming back? I want my lap dance.”

(This goes on for a little while with the caller slurring his speech and stuttering.)

Caller: “Why won’t you help me?”

Me: “What would you like me to do?”

Caller: “Fine! Don’t help me. I’ll go back to the tables and win back my fortune!”