No Pay Is Worth This Kind Of Pain

| Working | November 21, 2012

(Note: at the coffee shop where I work, the manager is the father of the assistant manager, who is his daughter. I’m calling in sick as I’ve been in injured in a car accident and am hospitalized.)

Me: “Hi, [assistant manager], it’s [my name]. I’m so sorry, but I’m in the hospital.”

Assistant Manager: “What? You don’t work today.”

Me: “I know, but I was hit by a car and have a concussion. I can’t make it in tomorrow, but I should be okay on Sunday if I just work in the back.”

Assistant Manager: “What? Are you kidding?” *talks in the background* “Nah, don’t worry about it. Don’t come in.”

Me: “Are you sure? Okay, thank you! I’ll be in Monday, the usual time, okay?”

Assistant Manager: “No.”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Assistant Manager: “No. If you come in on Monday, turn in your uniform and don’t come back.”

Me: *speechless*

Assistant Manager: “You’re so full of bulls***.” *hangs up*

(I still come by that Monday, not sure what to expect. I’m in a neck brace and limping slightly.)

Manager: *sees me and gasps*

Assistant Manager: *rolls her eyes* “Whatever…”

(I didn’t care to deal with these jerks anymore, so I tossed my uniform on the counter, flipped the assistant manager the bird, and limped out.)

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A Dance Dance Revolution Revelation

| Right | April 22, 2013

(My friend wants to sign up for a ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ contest, and drags me with her to the sign up table.)

Friend: “Sign me up!”

Registration: “What’s your name?”

(She gives registration her name and he puts her down on the chart. Then he turns to me.)

Registration: “And your name?”

Me: “Oh, no. I’m not playing, thanks.”

Registration: “Why not?”

Me: “Um… my boots are too heavy.”

(I show him the four-inch platform costume combat boots I have on. Upon seeing this, the guy working registration slowly pushes himself back from the table. He turns in his chair, so I can see his legs. One of his legs is a prosthetic, which he seems to have enforced with duct tape at the thigh.)

Registration: “I’m playing. What’s your excuse again?”

Me: “…sign me up.”

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Plz Change Abbrev, Stat

| Right | July 9, 2012

(If a customer gets regular medication from a pharmacy, they can have a Medicine Use Review (MUR). It’s basically talking through their meds with a pharmacist. I answer this call from a sweet elderly caller.)

Me: “Hello, pharmacy.”

Customer: “Um hello, someone just delivered my medicine. The bag has a sticker on it that says “Patient eligible for MUR.” What it is MUR?”

Me: “It stands for “Medicine Use Review,” which involves discussing your medicines with the pharmacist. However, those labels are meant for our reference, so I apologise that it’s been put on your bag by mistake. Sorry if it caused confusion.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s alright, dear. I just thought MUR might be short for murder!”

Me: “Er no, ma’am! Don’t worry, no one is going to murder you!”

Customer: “Oh, good! Thank you very much!”

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Piercing Judgments, Part 4

| Right | February 5, 2014

(I am delivering oxygen to a new patient at their home. It is mid-summer and I am wearing a short sleeve work shirt. I have tattoos visible on both arms and hands as well as the front of my neck. I also have three piercings in each earlobe as well as my septum and three in my lower lip. There are all currently being filled by clear spacers. I also have shoulder length hair, a long full beard, stand 6’4″, and am clearly a biker. Generally, patients are a little timid at first when they see me but once they speak to me they are generally more at ease with my appearance and demeanor.)

Me: “Will that be it for you today, ma’am?”

Woman: “Why don’t you have any religious tattoos?”

Me: “Pardon me, ma’am?”

Woman: “Why don’t you have any religious tattoos like the saints or scriptures?”

Me: “Well, I suppose because I don’t actively practice any religion, ma’am.”

Woman: “Those things might be acceptable if they were religious.”

Me: “I’ll agree to disagree, ma’am, but then I have to ask, why don’t you have any religious tattoos?”

Woman: “Because the bible says to alter your body’s appearance is a sin! Leviticus says it.”

Me: “I am somewhat familiar with the passages you are referring to, but if you believe that, then why would you ask why I don’t have any religious tattoos, when the bible says that tattoos are a sin?”

Woman: “Well, you are obviously going to go to Hell for your sins, but I thought if you had some scripture instead of those other things you might be forgiven and get to walk with Jesus.”


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Tine To Find A New Job

| Working | July 8, 2013

Me: “Excuse me, can I get another spoon please? I accidentally dropped mine.”

Waitress: “Sure thing!”

(She comes back with a fork.)

Waitress: “Here you go!”

Me: “Umm… a spoon. I need a spoon.”

Waitress: “I don’t understand. I gave you that.”

Me: “Yes, but this is a fork. I can’t eat ice cream with fork. I’m gonna need a spoon.”

Waitress: *looks dumbfounded*

Me: “You know… a spoon… to scoop the ice cream with?”

Waitress: “Oh!”

(She comes back excitedly with an ice cream scoop with her.)

Waitress: “Sfoon!”

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