They’ve All Gone Native

| Right | March 16, 2017

(At my store I have a lot of very well educated but not native to North America people. Their accents are strong and if you talk too fast they have trouble understanding.)

Customer: *who is being very rude to one of my Russian coworkers* “Can someone else check me out? Someone with American blood?”

Me: “Unfortunately we don’t have any Native American on our staff.”

Customer: *looks me up and down, seeing I’m a white girl, clearly how she defines American* “What? Aren’t you American?”

Me: “Yes, and so is [Coworker], but we’re all immigrants really. Doesn’t matter if it was 100 years ago. Native Americans are really the only ones with American blood and we don’t have one on staff to check you out.”

Customer: “F*** this store.”

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A Bad App-raisal Of The Situation

| Right | February 23, 2015

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I bought an eBook from your website, but I can’t read it on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What sort of tablet do you have? Is it Apple or Android?”

Customer: “It’s a [high end Android]. My son bought it for me.”

Me: “Nice. And when you open up [Our App], does the book appear there?”

Customer: “No, it’s not in my library.”

Me: “You say you purchased the eBook from our website. Are you sure the account information you used when you purchased it is the same as your app is registered under?”

Customer: “Um, yes? I can’t imagine that I would have more than one account with you.”

Me: “And other books work just fine?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Have you tried syncing your library?”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Open the app and hit the refresh button. It’s a circular arrow in the bottom left.”

Customer: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “That’s weird. What do you see?”

Customer: *describes a screen which sounds suspiciously like our competitor’s app*

Me: “Sir, what app do you use to read your eBooks?”

Customer: “I use my library.”

Me: “Yes, sir, your books appear in the library screen of the app, but which app do you use? Are you using [Our App] or [Competitor’s App]?”

Customer: “I use the app on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, where do you normally buy your eBooks?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The eBooks currently in your library which you are able to read. Which website were you on when you bought them? [Our website] or [Competitor’s website]?”

Customer: “[Competitor’s website]. They have lots of good deals.”

Me: “All right sir, I’ve figured out the problem. You purchased an [our format] eBook from our website. That book is not compatible with [Competitor’s App]. You’ll have to download [Our App] in order to read it.”

Customer: “But I already paid for it.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sir. The book is yours. The app is available as a free download both on our website and from the Play Store. It only takes a minute.”

Customer: “My books always show up in my library when I buy them. Why doesn’t this one?”

Me: “I know it’s confusing, sir. [Our Company] sells [Our eBook Readers], and [Competitor] sells [Competitor’s eBook Readers]. EBooks bought from [Our Company] can only be read on [Our eBook Readers] or [Our App], just as [Competitor]’s eBooks can only be read on their products.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. I paid for this book.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and it is yours. But the app you are using is made and run by [Competitor]. You bought this book from us. [Competitor] has no way of knowing that you bought this book, so they can’t put it into the app on your tablet.

Customer: Can you call them and tell them I bought it? Then they’ll know.”

Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, sir. But again, you can download [Our App] for free and read the book you purchased.”

Customer: “Okay, so you guys have your own books and your own app thing, and [Competitor] has their own books and their own app, and they don’t work together at all?”

Me: “Yes sir. That’s absolutely correct. A little complicated, I know.”

Customer: “So how do I get your app so I can read my book?”

Me: “The same way you got [Competitor’s App]. Open the Play Store, search for [Our App], and download it. Once it installs you’ll have to enter your email address and password. Then your book will appear in your library. We’ll give you a couple additional titles for free.”

Customer: “My tablet’s library?”

Me: “No, sorry, the library in [Our App].”

Customer: “So when I want to read this book I’ll need to open your app, and when I want to read my other books I’ll need to open [Competitor’s App]?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I suppose I can handle that. When should I expect my app to arrive?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “The app that you’re sending me in the mail. When will it be here?”

Me: “The… mail? You know what, sir? I think you should come into our store. Can you drop by tomorrow?”

(And I made d*** sure I was not around when he came in!)

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Let Me Transfer You To Our Fraud Department

, , , | Right | September 25, 2009

Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

Customer: “Well, it can be!”

 

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Thank God They Didn’t Watch Total Recall

| Right | November 3, 2007

Customer: “Do you have that book from that movie Les Miserababah?”

Me:Les Miserables? Yes it would be on the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “What section would it be in?”

Me: “The fiction section.”

Customer: “So nonfiction is true, and fiction is not true, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “How can this book be fiction if there is a movie about it?”

Me: “Movies are not true.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Yes. Movies are not true, movies are fiction.”

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Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer, Part 2

| Right | November 19, 2014

(I answer the phone on a busy day.)

Me: “Hello, [Bookstore]. How may I help you?

Customer: “Hello. Can you tell me if [Competitor] has [Book]?”

Me: “Er… well, I don’t know about [Competitor] but I can tell you that our store has it in stock.”

Customer: “You’re downtown, aren’t you?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well that won’t do. I’m not going downtown; I live much closer to [Competitor]. Find out if they have it!”

(If she managed to find our phone number, how hard would it have been to find their number?!)

 

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