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Registration Disassociation

| Right | December 12, 2016

(I answer a call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to activate this software I bought. Quickly now, I’ve already been on the line for too long!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, in that case, the system needs the registration number.”

Customer: “Why? Can’t you just see it on your screen and press the button?”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but I really need that registration number. Otherwise the system won’t let me in to activate the software.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know how to find it!”

Me: “It’s not an issue, ma’am, I can guide you. Please go into the Settings menu. Once there, you go into the section About, and finally you click on Registration Number to display the 12-digit number the system needs.”

Customer: “That’s too difficult!”

Me: “Once again, I apologize for the inconvenience, ma’am. I’ll go more slowly. First, please go into the Settings menu. Please let me know when you have and I will move along.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I know!”

Me: “Then, ma’am, please find the section titled About…”

Customer: “Hmm hmm.”

Me: “…then finally click on Registration Number to display the 12-digit number the system needs. Could you please read me that number?”

Customer: “I don’t have it!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you sure you are following the steps exactly?”

Customer: “I haven’t done any of that! Why should I do all the work?! Just activate the d*** thing already!”

Me: “I’d be happy to, but to do that I need the registration number!”

Customer: “You’re just a lazy idiot! Get me someone on the line who knows what they are doing!”

Me: “Just to confirm, you’d like for a supervisor to handle your file?”

Customer: “Get one on the line, child!”

Me: “Your request to have a supervisor handles your case has been logged as per our process. I will therefore disconnect this call and a supervisor will get back to you within a business week. Good bye, ma’am.”

Customer: “WHAT D—”

Me: *hangs up*

In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Internet Company]. You have reached [My Name]. How can I help?”

Customer: “The Internet isn’t working again!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that; how long has it not been working?”

Customer: “Since all the weird lights last night!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, what are the lights on the modem doing now?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know? It’s covered in tinfoil!”

Me: “Ma’am, that a terrible fire hazard! You need to unwrap that now!”

Customer: “Absolutely not! It’s the only way to keep the aliens out! I would rather burn the house down than allow them into my computer!”

Me: “I’m sorry… aliens?”

Customer: “Yes, aliens! And those weird lights outside; I told you! That’s why it’s not working!”

(I hear her handling aluminum foil and a dog barking in the background.)

Customer: “So, are you going to get me a new modem or not?”

Me: “Certainly, just a moment.”

Customer: “That’s what I thought! Now hurry up! I need to go rewrap the dog!”


This story is part of the Aliens roundup!

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This story is part of our customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

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Drinking Responsibly

| Right | July 26, 2013

(While perusing the selection of beer at my local grocery store, I cannot help but notice the enormous, brightly-colored signs posted on every available surface which proclaim: “WE CARD EVERYONE”. After choosing what I want, I head for the checkout, being sure to get my ID out along with my credit card.)

Me: “Just this, thanks.”

(The employee looks at me nervously. I’m 29, but look a good bit younger.)

Employee: “Now because this is alcoholic, ma’am, I am going to need to see your ID.”

Me: “Of course, got it right here.”

(The employee blinks in surprise, then smiles enormously and happily rings up my six-pack of hard cider.)

Me: “Do people really give you that hard a time about this? You have huge red and yellow signs EVERYWHERE. Not to mention it’s kind of, you know, the law?”

Employee: “Honey, you have no idea. Thank you for being smart. Here’s your receipt, and I hope you really enjoy that!”

Gift Cards, Derp, Derpa, Gift Cards

| Right | January 20, 2012

(The phone rings and it is a customer wanting to know about gift cards. We are running a promotion where if you buy $100, you get a $25 bonus card.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Caller: “Are you doing something with gift cards?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I explain the promotion.)

Caller: “How much is a good amount for two people to eat?”

Me: “A $50 gift card would probably cover two people.”

Caller: “Well, I need to buy them for two separate couples, so I will need $400 in gift cards. What do I get?”

Me: *ignoring the incorrect math* “You would get four $25 bonus cards.”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “For every $100 you spend, you get an extra $25 dollar gift card.”

Caller: “For what? What do I do?”

Me: “What is your question exactly?”

Caller: “I don’t know! You’re the one who said something about gift cards!”

On A Winning Streak

| Learning | April 14, 2013

(There is a kid in my class who is known for being a class clown. Because we live in a town with two colleges, we get a student teacher from January through April. This year, our teacher is a very attractive young female who the class clown has a crush on.)

Student Teacher: “Guys, I’m disappointed. I warned you that this was a very difficult paper to write. Over half of my last class failed because of my 10-point rule. It’s worth 200 points, so it is a huge part of your grade. I expected better.”

(My entire class starts freaking out as she passes out the papers.)

Class Clown: *repeating* “Please, please let me pass—”

(He stops as he sees his paper: a nice, big score of 180.)

Class Clown: “Excuse me.”

(The class clown stands up and takes off his shirt.)

Student Teacher: “Whoa! What do you think you’re doing?!”

Class Clown: “I am going streaking in the hallway. Bye.”

(My student teacher was too embarrassed to stop him. He was quickly stopped by the school officer, who was luckily right outside!)