Their Welfare Status Is Okie Dokie

| Right | July 1, 2015

(I am a dental assistant at a dental surgery and move between answering phones and assisting the dentist. We have irate patients regularly, who get treatment done and then claim they weren’t told how much it was and refuse to pay, or try to get refunds on treatment already received, or try to get money refunded that was paid for by the government. This particular patient was the latter case. I have come up with a useful way to deal with these stressful phone calls.)

Me: “Good morning, [Dental Clinic]!”

Patient: “It’s [Patient]. You guys told me I’d be getting my money refunded for my dental care! I want my money back and you haven’t put it in my f****** account!”

Me: “Just give me a minute sir, while I bring up your file and have a look… Oh, I see. Yes, the money for your dental care was being refunded, but since your care was paid for by [Welfare], the money will be refunded to them.”

Patient: *suddenly polite* “Oh, no, no. [Welfare] told me that you can give it to me and then I’ll give it to them. No problem!”

Me: “I highly doubt [Welfare] would have told you that, sir. We deal with [Welfare] directly, and will refund the money straight back into their account.”

Patient: “THAT’S MY F******* MONEY! You mother-f***** con-artists better give me that money! I DESERVE THAT MONEY!”

Me: “No need to swear, sir. There is really nothing more to discuss.”

Patient: “YOU GIVE ME THAT GOD-D*** MONEY!! IF I DON’T SEE THAT MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW, I WILL COME AND SEE YOU!”

Me: “Okie dokie. That won’t be happening, sir.”

Patient: “I’M SERIOUS!  I’LL COME DOWN THERE! YOU BETTER TELL YOUR BOSS TO WATCH HIS BACK!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir.”

Patient: “I KNOW WHERE HE PARKS! I DESERVE THAT MONEY! YOU GUYS ARE RIPOFFS, F****** C****!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir.”

Patient: “F*** YOUR ‘OKIE DOKIE!’ GO TO H***!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir. I’m hanging up now. Have a nice day.”

Patient: “F*** YOU. IF YOU HANG UP I’M RINGING BACK UNTIL I SEE THAT MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir. Goodbye.”

Patient: “I SAID F*** YOUR OKIE DO—” *click*

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Set Fire To The Brain

| Working | November 4, 2013

(I’m contacting tech support of a well-known manufacturer of external hard drive backup units.)

Technician: “Thank you for calling [Company Name]; how can I assist you?”

Me: “I have a hard drive that is smoking. I need to send it in for service, as well as verify there are no safety concerns for the others we have purchased.”

Technician: “Okay, can you please connect the product and switch it on?”

Me: “Did you just seriously ask me to plug in a product that is smoking and potentially a fire hazard?”

Technician: “…yes.”

Me: “…okay!”

(At this point, I decide to have a little fun with this technician with my coworker.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve plugged it in, and now it’s smoking.”

Technician: “Okay, can you now please—”

Me: “Now it has caught fire; there are flames coming out the back.”

Coworker: “Is something burning? OH MY GOD! CALL 911! I’ll get the fire extinguisher!”

Technician: “Oh, my, umm, uh, I will need to connect you with my manager.”

Me: “Yeah, you do that…”

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Getting Her Knickers In A Twist

| Romantic | June 28, 2013

(I am in a long distance relationship with a woman who has a very low sex drive, and is rarely ever openly sexual. She has received a coupon to a large chain that specializes in underwear. She has spent the previous month hinting, and then flat-out saying that I will get to pick out what she uses it on, referring to it as my ‘early Christmas present’. The day we go, I spent the time playing pack mule through the mall before we arrive at the underwear store.)

Me: “How about these? They look pretty good to me, and they would look even better on you!”

Girlfriend: *very curtly* “No! Not those, find something else!”

(This process repeats until she lays out two pairs of ‘granny panties’ that I can pick.)

Me: “Well, not quite the selection I thought I had, but the blue ones I guess.”

Girlfriend: “Ugh! I knew you would try to pick something skimpy; you are such a perv!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But when you said we were lingerie shopping for my ‘early Christmas present’, I thought you were being flirty.”

Girlfriend: “Men can be such pigs! Ever since we started dating, all you ever wanted to do is have sex!”

Me: “I’m going to stop you there. We’ve been dating two years now. We have never even come CLOSE to having sex. You said you wanted to wait till you were married, and I’m fine with that. I have NEVER said anything to pressure you. I am not, however, fine with being insulted and called a perv every time I so much as acknowledge that sex is a thing.”

Girlfriend: “You are just such a pig!”

(She then storms out of the store with the underwear in hand, and is arrested for shoplifting. Six-months later I hear that she is pregnant, and unsure as to who the father is.)

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Please Press Option One For Insanity

| Working | February 13, 2014

(I am calling the main USPS help line about an issue with a package that I shipped to myself cross-country. Naturally, the call is answered by a recording.)

Recording: “Hello. Thank you for calling the United States Postal Service. Please state clearly how I might help you today. You can say things like ‘hold mail,’ ‘check on a delivery,’ or ‘transfer address.’”

Me: “Customer service.”

Recording: “Are you sure? The lines are currently busy and most issues can be resolved through automatic assistance. Now, how I can help you today? You can say things like—”

Me: “Customer service.”

Recording: “Are you sure? The lines are currently busy and most issues can be resolved through automatic assistance. Now, how I can help you today?”

Me: *getting exasperated and a little hysterical* “You can’t, Siri. You really can’t. I need a person.”

Recording: “Are you sure? The lines are currently busy and most issues can be resolved through automatic—”

Me: “Half of the books in my package have been replaced with cans of sardines!”

Recording: *pause* “…All right. Please hold while I connect you to customer service.”

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Got Him On Collar ID

| Right | November 20, 2013

Caller: “Hello, I bought a shirt in your store earlier today and the sign said $12 but I was charged $17. I’d like to return it.”

Me: “Oh goodness, I’m so sorry that happened to you! You can just come in and I’ll be more than happy to help you return that and make it right.”

Caller: “I’d like to return it over the phone, though.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t return a shirt without the shirt itself.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Why not?”

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