Not Dropping The Charges

| Right | March 12, 2013

(A customer comes in to return a totally shattered phone.)

Customer: “It’s really cold outside and I was using it and pop!”

Me: “This looks like it was dropped.”

Customer: “I didn’t drop it; it just cracked!”

Me: “That’s not possible.”

Customer: “I want to see your manager.”

Me: “That won’t be necessary.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “That won’t be necessary. Just like me, he is not going to want his intelligence questioned by someone who claims he just saw the laws of physics being broken, at the hands of an irresponsible user.”

Customer: “…fine. I might have dropped it on the ice.”

Me: “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

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Marred By A Barred Card

| Working | December 20, 2013

(I have recently been mugged. My employee discount card in my wallet needs to be cancelled. This will prevent anybody using it for fraudulent transactions in a different branch of my store. I ring up a special branch of the store’s helpdesk.)

Call Handler: “Hi. You’ve reached the [employee discount] helpline. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Me: “Hiya, yes. I had my wallet stolen yesterday so I need to cancel my discount card. I wouldn’t want anybody to be fraudulently using it now, would I?”

Call Handler: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll be happy to help you cancel your card. In order to do this I am going to be needing the long number on the front of your card.”

Me: “Er, I don’t have it! Can I give you my postcode or my employee number, please?”

Call Handler: “Those details would not be sufficient. I will need also the long number on the front of your card.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t think we’re understanding one another. Please, could you give me the benefit of the doubt? Explain this to me, very carefully. I have had my wallet AND THEREFORE my discount card stolen from me, so that they are no longer in my possession. How would it be possible to read you out the card number, in order for you to cancel this card?”

Call Handler: “You could have… memorised it?”

Me: “Who does that?! Are you seriously telling me that really is the policy? Don’t you have another way of looking it up? Are other search functions locked to supervisor privileges or something?”

Call Handler: “Well, I could look it up from your employee number, but I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to enter your card number. They told me I should only accept card numbers so that I know the call is genuine and that you’re not trying to defraud [Company].”

Me: “But, surely, if I’m trying to cancel a stolen card, I’m trying to prevent fraud?! If I don’t have the card on me. I can’t give you my card number. Now please can we use those other search functions you mentioned so I can get ahead with cancelling this d*** card?”

Call Handler: *huffy* “Well, I suppose so. But I still think it’s better if you give me your card number…”

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Empty Boxes And Equally Empty Threats

, | Right | August 24, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this, but I don’t have a receipt.”

Me: “All right, let me see what I can do.”

(I notice that she’s trying to return an empty display box, something no employee would have sold to her. It’s thus pretty clear that she shoplifted the box and is now trying to scam us.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t return this.”

Customer: “Why not?! Just because I don’t have my receipt?”

Me: “Well, this is an empty box. There is nothing in it.”

Customer: “What do you mean? I bought it like that! How was I supposed to know it was empty?”

Me: “There is no way you could have bought it like that. None of the employees here would have sold that to you.”

Customer: “Well, they did sell it to me! You have to give me the money back. This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, tell you what. Let me see your driver’s license. I’ll make a copy of it and run it through our machine and see if I can give you a refund then.”

Customer: “Uh… I left my license in my car. I’ll just… uh… go outside and get it.”

(The customer bolted from the store while leaving the stolen display box on the counter, jumped into her car, and sped off.)

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Adjourning A Returning

| Right | April 16, 2014

(I manage a furniture store. A regular customer is the wife of the owner of several car dealerships in our area. Over the years she has made many purchases, always custom orders from the factory, and not once had accepted the original piece. Sometimes chairs have been reordered multiple times before she would find one she found acceptable. I see her working with one of our designers. After the sale was written, I cringe when I see she has ordered a recliner in the most expensive leather we carry. I decide to develop a plan, as we would never be able to sell this chair if she returned it. On the day of delivery, I approach the drivers.)

Me: “Bring the chair to the showroom, please.”

Driver: “But we have this down for delivery.”

Me: “Please, just bring it in. You’ll see.”

(The drivers bring it in, and I take a hammer and smash the frame of the swivel base. I then hand the drivers a new swivel base.)

Me: “Please deliver the chair with the smashed base.”

(Of course, on delivery, the customer saw the damage and insisted on a new chair. My drivers took the chair to their truck, replaced the damaged base and brought the same chair back into the house. She accepted the chair. That was the first (of many) custom orders she never returned!)

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Cupid Embraces Modern Technology

| Romantic | July 1, 2013

(I am a woman working in a tech store. I’m half way through an IT degree, but often customers don’t believe I’m male enough to help. A young female customer enters the store.)

Me: “Hi there, are you looking for anything particular today?”

Customer: “Um, yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Awesome, what can I help you with?

Customer: “Do you have any guys working today?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Men. Are there any men on shift?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you I’m perfectly qualified to help you with any IT enquiries you have today. Quite frankly, I’m offended that you think that as a woman, I’m incompetent.”

Customer: “Incompetent? Oh, God, I’m sure you’re entirely competent! I’m just looking for smart guys! It’s so hard to find a man with any brains.”

Me: “Oh. Well, in that case, go ask for [co-worker], over in white goods; he’s single.”

(My coworker asks her out, and they’ve been dating for four months now!)

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