Faux Papa

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! I was just wondering if I could return something to your store.”

Me: “Sure! That is no problem. Do you still have the receipt?”

Caller: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Then, that should be no problem. Feel free to bring it in.”

Caller: “Oh, thank you so much. You see, I bought it for my son’s new baby, but it turns out that it’s not his…”

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Wrong Bread And Stealing Dough

| Working | October 4, 2013

(I go to the store after I get off work for a loaf of bread I know is on special for $0.88. I walk up to the self-checkout, which is all that is open. However, the price rings up differently from what I expected.)

Me: “Oops. Can you void this out? I meant to grab the one that was $0.88.”

Clerk: “Yeah, okay.”

(I go grab the correct bread, and return to the check out.)

Clerk: “Uh uh, that ain’t the right one either.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Clerk: “That’s the wrong loaf.”

Me: “Okay, I checked the number on the package to the number on the shelf.”

Clerk: *rolls eyes* “No, it’s the one with the white paper on it.”

Me: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to—look, can you maybe just page someone back there to help me, please?”

Clerk: “Uhhh, I can’t just leave.”

Me: “I’m not asking you to—I’m just going to go somewhere else.”

Clerk: “Whatever, I don’t give a f*** where you shop!”

(I go to have a conversation with the store manager the next day. When they pull up footage to confirm exactly which cashier it is, they end up discovering that she has also been stealing from the registers. So, she got fired AND went to jail.)

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Playing Doctor

, | Right | March 17, 2008

Me: “[Hospital] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

(I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

Patient: “Yeah, but it’s all right. They just give me a rash.”

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This Customer Is A Train-Wreck

| Right | July 14, 2014

(A woman comes in with her daughter.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to collect some pre-booked tickets.”

Me: “Sure! Have you got the booking reference printout?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Oh, well, never mind! If you have it written down in another format or maybe saved in your phone, I should still be able to find it.”

Customer: “No. I don’t have it. The girl who served me last time didn’t ask for it. I just put my card in the machine.”

Me: “I’m sure you must have misunderstood. We cannot issue tickets without some type of secondary reference. Do you know the postcode associated with the billing address, and could I have your surname?”

Customer: “I don’t see why I need to give you those details. Look, I just want to print my daughter’s tickets and go back to work. You’re costing me money here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but unless you can give me more details such as name, postcode, and destination, I can’t print your tickets. Look—” *swivels computer screen so the customer can see* “—here are the search fields I have for when there is no collection reference number available. Unless I can fill in two of these, I cannot print your tickets.”

Customer: *turning to daughter* “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE THE REFERENCE NUMBER?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Sorry, mum, you said I shouldn’t waste paper and the ticket people didn’t need it.”

Customer: “Well, clearly they do. YOU’RE ALL COSTING ME MONEY HERE!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but one of the terms is that you provide a reference for collection. Could you please let me try and help you with some of your other details?”

Customer: *snappily* “FINE! It’s [Surname] and [postcode].”

Me: “I’m sorry; nothing’s come up.” *shifts screen around again so she can see* “See? Could you have used a different postcode?”

Customer: “No. Look, this really isn’t good enough. Why won’t the destination work on its own?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but hundreds of people travel every day from [Our Station] to [Major London Station]. I’m just thinking: whose email did you put in? Since it’s quiet in here, I could let you around the back to use one of the staff computers to log in and find me the reference number. I should tell you though, that this is against company policy and that I am doing this at my own risk. I could face disciplinary action.”

Customer: “It’s [Daughter]’s email. Can she just do it? Can I go? I need to get back to work.”

Me: “If yours was the payment card, then I am afraid you will need to wait until your daughter has accessed her emails since the reference number is useless without the payment card and vice versa.”

Customer: “Fine. [Daughter], go in the back with this idiot and see if you can’t find this bleeding reference number between your half-a-brain-cell each.”

(The daughter nips around to my side of the booth, accesses her email, and within 30 seconds I have the tickets up. The woman inserts her card and collects her tickets, and before she leaves decides to have one more dig at me for how slow I was to get her tickets up on the system.)

Me: “I’m sorry it took so long to resolve your issue, but perhaps next time you might consider writing the reference number down? You needn’t print it; in fact [Train Company] offers to send a free SMS containing the details to your phone. It would save an awful lot of problems.”

Customer: “Or, you know, they could just hire competent staff who don’t need reference numbers!” *to Daughter* “Look at all the money you’ve cost me! I’m selling your Xbox when I get home!”

(She stormed out. Fortunately I haven’t seen her since, although the daughter stopped by on her return journey to thank me for helping her.)

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Now They’re Reply-All Knowing

| Right | March 18, 2017

(I’m the stupid one in this story. This is from a few years ago, before I knew not to send credit card info by email at all, but this took it a bit further. I’m on the phone with my credit card company’s customer support line:)

Agent: “Thank you for calling [Credit Card Company]. This is [Agent]. May I have your account number?”

(We exchange the account info and I answer the appropriate security questions.)

Agent: “And how may I assist you today?”

Me: “I need to deactivate my card and have a new one issued.”

Agent: “I can certainly help you with that. Was the card lost or stolen?”

Me: “Not exactly…”

Agent: “…?”

Me: “I sent my credit card info by email, but I accidentally hit ‘Reply All.’ So my credit card number, expiration date, and security code got sent to about 150 people.”

Agent: *after ten seconds of silence* “I see. Okay, I have deactivated your card and ordered a replacement. It should arrive in 3-5 business days. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “No, that’s it. Thank you. And thank you for not laughing.”

Agent: “You’re welcome, sir.”

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