The Danger With Rhetorical Questions

, , | Right | October 9, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I am in the back office and someone told me that we were supposed to be able to use wireless keyboards, so I cut the cable.”

Me: “You… cut the cable?”

Customer: “Yes, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “You cut the cable on your keyboard, and now it doesn’t work?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You’re going to have to buy a new keyboard.”

Customer: “Why? I was told we could use wireless keyboards.”

Me: “That is not a wireless keyboard.”

Customer: “Yes it is.”

Me: “Just because you cut the cord does not make it wireless.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it work?”

Me: “Does your phone have a cable?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “If you cut it, do you think your phone will work?”

Customer: *line disconnects after twenty seconds of silence*

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Belly Rubbed And Snubbed

| Right | November 2, 2012

(I work at a department store as a cashier. I also have a medical condition where I must take a heavy amount of steroids, and a side effect of this is that I’m a bit chunky. I’m ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Hi, did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Oh, my dear, how can they force a woman in your condition to stand at a cash register all day? Your ankles must be so swollen! When are you due?”

(Suddenly, she reaches across the counter and rubs my belly, totally invading my personal space.)

Me: “In about five years, after I finish college, get married, and get a job that pays above minimum wage. I’m fat, not pregnant, lady. And I do not remember giving you permission to put your hands on my body.”

(The customer turns beet red, mumbles something, and abruptly leaves all her merchandise on the counter. I get a round of applause from the rest of the customers in line.)

Next Customer in line: “I would have hit her if I were you.”

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Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

| Right | March 30, 2011

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

(I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

(I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

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I Work In Death And Taxes

| Working | October 2, 2014

(I handle the billing for a retirement home. To keep the billing database up to date, I rely on the daily census sheet issued by our admissions department. Until recently, the census sheet was updated by a sharp, detail-oriented coworker, but the responsibility recently passed to a coworker who is great with people, but a mess with computers and data. I receive the daily census one morning, and notice that a resident who has passed away the day before isn’t listed.)

Me: “[Coworker], I heard that [Deceased Resident] passed away yesterday, Is that correct?”

Coworker: “Yes. It’s so sad. I’ll really miss him.”

Me: “I don’t see him listed on the census you just sent me, though. Shouldn’t he be listed as a discharge?”

Coworker: “Oh, I just couldn’t stand to put him on there; it makes it seem really permanent.”

Me: “Death has an unfortunate tendency to be permanent, [Coworker].”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 22

| Right | August 14, 2013

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help today?”

Caller: “YOU PEOPLE SHUT MY CARD OFF!”

Me: “I can see that would be extremely frustrating. Can I have your account information so we can correct this?”

(The caller gives me the information, and I see she hasn’t made a payment in four months.)

Caller: “Turn it back on right now!”

Me: “I would be happy to once you make a payment to get your account up to date.”

Caller: “I have to pay?!”

Me: “Well you haven’t made any payments in four months; may I ask why? Is there something that been preventing you from paying?”

Caller: “Yeah, something really important.”

Me: “May I ask what it was?”

Caller: “Yeah, I was saving up for my vacation to Cancun. That is why I need the card back on. RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Just so I have this straight: you didn’t pay your credit card because you wanted to save up for your vacation, and now you want us to let you use your card.”

Caller: “Yeah, what’s so hard about that?”

Me: “Sorry, we wont be able to do that for you without having a payment.”

Caller: “What! I am so canceling my card when I get home!”

 

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