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Some Backs Had Best Stay In The Back

| Working | September 11, 2012

(I’m the supervisor at a bar. It’s a somewhat quiet night, so I’ve been chatting with a pretty female customer. When I slip into the back room to get more ice, I run into my barback, who tells me how he wants to bend the customer over the bar and show her what a real man is. It’s clear that the female customer has heard the barback’s lewd comments, so I tell him to apologize to her.)

Barback: “Hey, my supervisor says I have to apologize, so I’m sorry you overheard me.”

Female Customer: “That is probably the most worthless apology I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Barback: “I ain’t gonna apologize for saying it.”

Female Customer: “Then allow me to be blunt. You will keep your hands to yourself, or I will break your fingers.”

Barback: “You can’t say that to me!”

Female Customer: “Actually, I can. Because you having your fingers broken is contingent on you violating my right to not be touched by you if I don’t want to.”

(At this point, another customer who is sitting next to the female customer joins the conversation.)

Other Customer: “She’s right, you know.”

Barback: “Oh, and all of the sudden you just know stuff?”

(The other customer flashes a detective’s badge.)

Other Customer: “Yup. Just like that.”

Barback: *to the female customer* “You stupid Irish b****! All y’all are sneaky little c***s trying to get us good American men in trouble!”

Female Customer: “You think the Irish are out to get you?”

Barback: “No! Women!”

Female Customer: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

(The barback thankfully got fired the next day, and the female customer and the detective are now my favorite customers; they come in together all the time!)

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Why “Catch-22” Needs To Be Required Reading

, , , , | Right | May 24, 2008

Customer: “I bought a computer from you guys not three weeks ago, and my Internet isn’t working.”

Me: “Well, the computer itself seems to be operating perfectly.”

Customer: “It is not working perfectly. I cannot get on the Internet. ”

Me: “I understand that; I just mean while the Internet itself isn’t working, your computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “My computer is worthless without Internet.”

(Company policy is to direct her to her ISP for further assistance. So I try to get that info from her so I can give her a proper phone number.)

Customer: “Why don’t you just fix it?”

Me: “I’ve run out of things we can try.”

Customer: “What is the ISP going to do?”

Me: “They’ll walk you through a few things, or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problem in your area.”

Customer: “I bought this computer from you, and you should be the ones fixing it.”

Me: “It’s not the computer; it’s the Internet. Unfortunately, we’re not your Internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.”

Customer: “How much do you charge for Internet?”

Me: “We do not sell Internet.”

Customer: “Then who do I buy my Internet from?”

Me: “I don’t know. [Large Company], perhaps?”

Customer: “I suppose I should order some Internet.”

Me: “You haven’t even signed up for it yet?!”

Customer: “I wanted to do it on the Internet.”

Me: *head explodes*

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You Make Me Zoo-icidal

| Working | December 17, 2015

(I just finished paying for tickets to ride a little train that goes around the zoo.)

Cashier: “And here’s your change… You have a zoo-per day!”

Me: “Did… you just…?”

Cashier: “My zoo-pervisor says I have to.”

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The Kicker? They Didn’t Kick Anyone

| Right | March 15, 2016

(I am the customer in this story. It’s a Thursday and I’m at the end of my errands which have not been going well, especially at this place. I approach the clerk at the express checkout lane with my handful of items that took half an hour to gather.)

Clerk: “Hello, how are you doing today?”

Me: *frustrated and exhausted* “Hi, I’m terrible; how are you?”

Clerk: *she’s clearly taken back for a moment* “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I help?”

Me: “I’m sorry, this the sixth store I’ve been to today. It’s crowded everywhere; people are blocking the aisles and just wandering around like they’ve never been shopping before. How can two people obliviously stand and block an entire aisle without realizing they’re being rude to everyone else?”

Clerk: “Yes, they are the worst.”

Me: *defeated sigh* “I managed to not kick anyone.”

Clerk: “And I’m proud of you for it!”

(Thank you, underpaid grocery clerk, for listening to my problem. You made my day *so* much better.)

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The Life Of The Used And Abused

| Right | May 11, 2012

(A customer comes up to me with an item wrapped in bubble wrap.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”

(The customer hands me the item with no receipt and it’s obviously an item from Christmas. The candle in it has been lit and used and the item is missing part of the tag. I look up the item and find out it’s from Christmas of last year.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot return this item.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “This item is from Christmas of last year and our return policy is 30 days with your receipt. This is well over 30 days and is a holiday item. We do not accept refunds on holiday items.”

Customer: “Well, that isn’t my fault. This thing is hideous and I don’t want it anymore.”

Me: “I understand that, sir, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Customer: getting agitated* “Well you HAVE to take it back. I don’t want it. You guys sell ugly things.”

(At this point, my manager comes over to deal with the increasingly agitated customer.)

Manager: “Sir, is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! This girl is telling me she won’t take back my item! It’s ugly! I don’t want it! [Competitor] has a policy that they will take back anything anytime! You have to do that too!”

Manager: “Sir, I am sorry but this item is too old and it’s used. We can’t return it. That is our policy.”

(This goes back a forth a few times. The customer keeps saying how our competitors policy would allow it. However, we are not affiliated with them, so obviously our policy is different. Finally, the customer gives up and grabs his item from me.)

Customer: “[Competitor] would have taken it!”

(The customer storms out and another customer comes up to my manager.)

Customer #2: “Want me to kick his a** for you all the way to [competitor]?”

Manager: *laughs* “Be my guest!”

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