You’re Being Followed

, , , , , | Working | December 15, 2017

(I work on a customized double decker bus that helps people at night. One of our volunteers is notorious for having the worst farts ever.)

Volunteer #1: *farts*

Shift Leader: “ABANDON SHIP!”

(Everyone leaves to escape the gas except one volunteer who was upstairs, thinking he was safe. A minute passes…)

Volunteer #2: *sprints down the stairs and out the door choking* “IT FOLLOWED ME UPSTAIRS! I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE!”

His Blood Is Pumping For Other Things

, , , , | Right | December 14, 2017

(I’m working a blood drive at a large VA hospital. We get some wonderful and interesting characters coming to donate but this guy — who reminds me forcefully of Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump — is responsible for one of the best exchanges I’ve ever had on the job.)

Me: “All right, next question: ‘In the last year, have you had any form of sexual contact with a prostitute?'”

Lt. Dan:Huh?

Me: ”’In the last year, have you had any form of sexual contact with a prostitute?'”

Lt. Dan: “Yup, I have.”

Me: *maintaining professionalism* “Well, sir, that will be a problem. I won’t be able to let you donate today.”

Lt. Dan: “What?! How come? I know she’s clean.”

Me: *involuntary chuckle* “Well, sir, it’s just that that’s considered a high-risk behavior, and we prevent you from donating for your safety, as well as for the recipient of the blood.”

Lt. Dan: “I suppose that’s fair. How long before I can donate again?”

Me: “One year from the last time you were with a prostitute.”

Lt. Dan: “Hang on, young lady; are you telling me I can’t have sex with a hooker for a whole year if I want to donate?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yes, sir, I’m afraid those are the rules.”

Lt. Dan: “Oh, s***. I can’t go a whole year. I’m out of here.”

Me: *breaking and laughing out loud* “That’s your call, sir. Feel free to grab some snacks on your way out.”

(At least he was honest!)

Gonna Be Some Dracarys Up In Here…

, , , , | Friendly | December 13, 2017

(I see a trailer for the show “Game of Thrones”, which I have never seen, nor read the book series off of which it is based. I turn to my elder brother.)

Me: “Hey, didn’t you watch Game of Thrones? Why is it popular?”

Brother: “I never watched it. I think it’s because of the nudity.” *pauses* “And dragons.”

Brother’s Girlfriend: “It’s for nerds.” *pauses* “It’s for nerds who can’t get laid.”

Me: “…”

Eavesdropping Really Blows

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

Girl: “Can I have a lollipop?”

Me: “Have you had a shot today?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry; you can’t have one.”

Girl: “I’ll give you a blowjob for one.”

Me: *taken aback* “How old are you?”

Girl: “Seven.”

(I don’t know what to say, so I just turn my back and ignore her.)

Mother: “[Girl], stop bothering that man.”

Girl: “But I want a lollipop. You said, ‘Give a man a blowjob and he’ll do anything for you.’”

(I turn back around and the mother is blushing. She drags her daughter out of the office.)

Mother: “What have I told about eavesdropping on your aunt and me when we’re having coffee?!”

(She came in this morning to request copies of her family’s prescriptions, so she can switch to another doctor. I hope she wasn’t switching because of the incident.)

They’re Just Explaining Biology

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

(My mom is helping me study for an AP biology test. We’re doing some Punnett square examples in the textbook.)

Me: “So, does it matter if the mother or father goes on top?”

Mom: “For sex? It depends. With me and your father, he goes on top because I weigh more. But with your aunt and uncle, I think she probably goes on top, because he weighs more.”

Me: *almost too horrified to speak* “I meant on the square. I think I’ll go study alone.”

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