I work the night audit shift as well as housekeeping at our hotel. This particular day starts like any other; I get my cleaning cart out and I’m in the middle of scanning my chart, looking to see which linen sizes I need.

Out of the corner of my eye, someone walks past me down to the dead-end of the hall. I usually greet the guests, but he is already well past me. I peek down the hall, wondering which room he’s even going to, and I have to do a double-take. This man is butt-a** naked.

He must’ve done a double-take, too, because when I look back, he is ducking behind the wall.

Guest: “I’m sorry! Can you help me? I don’t know which room I’m in.”

I’m kind of stunned. I’ve only worked here for a few months.

Me: “How do you not know where your room is?”

Guest: “I don’t know! I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t know my room.”

He keeps repeating that like he’s going to cry, so now I’m feeling really bad. I use my walkie to ask the front desk if anyone with his name is on a reservation, and of course, it isn’t. Now I’m wondering if this man is homeless and trying to get in a room or if he has a mental problem or something.

Me: “Just sit tight for a minute.”

I hurried down to the front desk. I told them the situation, and they hurried up there. This guy was already gone, running through the hotel. He found another housekeeper, and she did the smart thing, gave him a towel, and walkied us. He went with the front desk workers to figure out where the h*** his room was.

Apparently, this guy was sleepwalking and had just woken up when I saw him! I know I had a panic, but I can only imagine his. Hopefully, he learned not to sleep naked in a hotel with sleepwalking tendencies!

Me: “Hello, [Motel], how can I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, this is [Guest].”

Me: “Ah! Yes, hello.”

Guest: “We talked last night.”

I remember that I did take his reservation last night.

Me: “Ah, yes?”

Guest: “I was wondering if you could come by?”

Me: *Hoping I misheard* “Excuse me?”

Guest: “I was wondering if you could come by my motel room?”

Me: *Louder* “Excuse me?”

He hung up. He, uh… got a very wrong number. My only regret is that I didn’t get a hold of myself quick enough to tell him that we don’t allow visitors.

I’m gay and my family is very supportive. I’m visiting home from college during Thanksgiving break, and I invite my boyfriend to come along. We get a warm welcome and dinner goes smoothly.

On Friday, traditionally, my mother makes a lot of candy and we ship them off to friends and relatives. My boyfriend and I help box everything up. This year, she has decided to make about six different kinds of fudge.

As my boyfriend and I are cutting, wrapping, and boxing up the candy, my mom sticks her head into the den.

Mom: “How are my little fudge packers doing?”

My boyfriend and I burst into laughter, and it took us fifteen minutes before we were able to stop giggling long enough to explain to her what “fudge packer” meant.

My then-boyfriend is now my husband. I love my family.

I am discussing work with my coworker when he suddenly comes out with a non-sequitur.

Coworker: “Did you hear about the survey that included ‘Chinese’ under ‘sexuality’?”

Me: “Um, what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they included it under ‘sexuality’ instead of ‘ethnicity’ by accident. Let me show you.”

My coworker turns to his computer, opens Google, and starts to type “Chinese sexuality survey.”

Me: “NO! That is not something you Google at work!”

My coworker pauses, Googles “Things you do not Google at work,” and points at the screen, displaying a webpage listing things one does not Google at work.

Coworker: “Yay!”

I’ve recently started working in a call center. It’s a relatively quiet period of the day, so the majority of us are not currently on calls. One of my colleagues finishes his call, hangs up, and angrily mutters:

Colleague: “What an absolute d*****bag!”

We all laugh and commiserate.

Team Leader: “What is a d*****bag, anyway?”

There are a few shrugs, but nobody offers an answer.

Me: “It’s… a device for… ahem… intimate cleansing.”

Some people understand, but [Team Leader] is still uncertain. She asks me to explain more clearly. As mentioned, this is still quite a new job, so I’m trying to keep my descriptions professional and polite.

Me: “You use it to clean your… private areas. It’s mainly for feminine use but can be used for cleaning the… uhh… backside, as well.”

[Team Leader] still looks confused. I start to flounder. I’m not sure how much more descriptive I can be without using cruder language that I’m not really comfortable saying in front of these people.

Then, another woman on the team comes to my rescue.

Woman: “It’s for washing out your a*** and fanny!”