Men Have Been Looking For That Department Forever!

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2019

(I am at work at a shoe store when a customer walks in. She has a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have clits?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Clits! Clits, you know, for soccer!”

Me: “OH, CLEATS! No, I’m sorry, we don’t sell those.”

Hold That Thought

, , , , , | Working | January 14, 2019

(I’m a cashier at a store. We’re encouraged to ask customers if they want a bag when buying only one or two items. A male customer is purchasing a single snack for himself.)

Me: “Would you like your nuts in a sack, or would you prefer to hold them?”

Customer: “…”

Voicing Your Concerns

, , , , , , | Right | January 10, 2019

I was working at a call center for a few months after getting my BA. I had a few calls that were really bad; I worked in billing for a major cable and Internet provider, and people would call to yell if their bill went up even a dime. One story sticks out to me, though.

This man called in to go over the charges on his account to see if he could get any refunds.

I pulled up his account, and there were a little over $700 in charges for on-demand pornography. As per the company policy about on-demand movies, we have to go over every title and tell them how long it was watched for — if they didn’t watch more than the first few minutes, we can give them a refund.

I, a woman, had to read out all the titles of the dozens of porn flicks this man had downloaded — they had all been watched in entirety. There were some pretty racy titles. It was hard for me to keep a straight face and a steady voice, but I pulled through! It was a slow day, so my coworkers were gathered around to listen in on this fiasco. I don’t blame them.

The customer was nice and polite throughout the call, but he was obviously breathing pretty heavily, grunting occasionally, too.

When I had finished, he said, “Thank you… You have a very sexy voice.” I didn’t know how to respond to that, and I was already pretty flustered.

When the call finally ended — he didn’t get a single refund and paid the bill in full — I pulled up the notes section on his account. Apparently, he does this every month.

Wish You Could Build Your Own Pillow Fortress Of Solitude

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2019

(It is right at the end of my shift as manager on duty at a hotel. It’s been a night that I could tell a lot of stories about, but I’ll just settle for the absolute most ridiculous complaint I’ve ever fielded. My front desk agent comes to the back to get me.)

Agent: “[My Name]? There’s a lady at the front desk who wants to talk to you about our ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs.”

Me: “Okay. Was she missing hers?”

Agent: “No… Seriously, you’ll have to talk to her. She’s freaking crazy.”

(I go out to find a woman standing at the front desk with a DND sign in her hand, with a couple of friends. It’s worth noting that some of our DNDs have cutesy sayings on them just to break up the monotony of “do not disturb.”)

Me: “Hello! What can I help you with tonight?”

Guest: “Well, I just wanted to tell you that THIS—“ *holds up a DND reading “Busy Constructing a Pillow Fort”* “—is just unacceptable!”

Me: *assuming she thinks it’s too unserious* “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. I—“

Guest: “I showed this to my friends and we all agree — a pillow fort means an erection, and that is just so inappropriate!”

(She rambles on for a while about this, which is good because I need a moment to process what I just heard.)

Me: *when she finally stops for breath* “Ma’am, I assure you it’s not meant to be anything like that. It’s… you know… like when little kids stack pillows to make a little cave…”

Guest: “Well, no kids should be putting out Do Not Disturb signs!”

Me: “No… but their parents are…”

Guest: “Well, I want you to inform your corporate office about this! It’s just vulgar!”

Me: “Um… I’ll do that, ma’am. I can provide you with a different sign if you’d like.”

Guest: “Oh, this isn’t mine. My friend saw it on a door and took it to ask us what it meant.”

Me: “Wait. You took a do not disturb sign off of another guest’s door?!”

Guest: “Yes.”

(This is bad; we take DNDs very seriously and it’s a real issue if a guest who didn’t want to be bothered gets walked in on by housekeeping.)

Me: “What room is it from?!”

Guest: “I don’t know! It shouldn’t be up, anyway!”

(She then handed me the sign and left. So, now, I get two angry guests for the price of one, just because this woman couldn’t take responsibility for her own dirty mind!)

When Your Brother Drives You Nuts…

, , , , | Related | January 7, 2019

(My brother tries to offer me some Christmas cookies called peppernuts.)

Brother: “Do you want to nut some peppers?”

(It did not get any more appropriate from there.)

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