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You’re Not Even My First Pimp Daddy Of The Night

, , , , , | Right | September 12, 2021

I work at a grab-and-go pizza place. Two guys come up around midnight, obviously having a good time. The first guy points to his friend.

Guy #1: “My pimp daddy is paying for my slice.”

Me: “All right. That will be [total].”

Guy #2: *Laughing* “She didn’t even blink!

Me: “I’ve worked here for four years, through every holiday and sport event.”

Guy #1: “Fair enough.”

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He’ll Be Back In “Spaceballs 2: The Quest for More Money”

, , , , , , | Right | September 11, 2021

Two of my coworkers are checking and bagging respectively; the bagger, given the global health crisis, is wearing a mask with “SPACEBALLS: THE FACE MASK” in large lettering. A customer comes up through the line and begins unloading her groceries onto the belt. My coworker on the register greets her and asks if she’d like any paper bags. 

The customer, looking right at the bagger and his facemask, says: 

Customer: “Oh, yes, please! I forgot my balls at home.” 

Cue a beat of silence… after which everyone present bursts into laughter.

Customer: “Yes, I would like some bags so I can get my groceries home, seeing as how I can never come back here again now!”

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He’s In For A Banging Good Time

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2021

I’m stacking shelves in the supermarket when a gentleman approaches me. English is not his first language but I understand him clearly.

Customer: “Where’s your clit bang?”

I blink once or twice, really hoping I didn’t just hear what I thought I heard.

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear…”

Customer: “Clit bang! You know?!”

Me: “I’m afraid I haven’t heard of that… product. What is it for?”

Customer: “You know! I see it on TV! You squeeze, it squirt.”

Pretty sure I’m being pranked, I’m about to say so, when he says something that makes it click.

Customer: “For cleaning! Shiny!”

It clicks.

Me: “Oh! Cillit Bang!”

Customer: “Yes! Clit bang! You squeeze, it squirt, it clean!”

I took him to the cleaning product aisle and made sure I said the item’s name CORRECTLY about ten times until he was getting it right. I hope he has fun cleaning!

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Making A Real Boob Of Himself

, , , , , , | Related | September 1, 2021

My parents hate tattoos, so after I got my second, I sort of stopped telling them I was getting more and just wore long sleeves. However, one day at work, my mom stops by unexpectedly and sees the other four tattoos she did not know about and, of course, she tells my dad. When I get home, he wants to see them.

One thing to say, though, is that all of my tattoos are tasteful and really well done. One, in particular, is a design of a woman sitting in a crescent moon. I frequently have people stop and tell me how beautiful the piece is.

My father, however, doesn’t really look at the design or anything. No, he immediately zooms in on one detail and eloquently says:

Dad: “I can see a booby.”

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Skip Straight To June

, , , , , , | Related | August 30, 2021

I live in Massachusetts and my boyfriend lives in Washington. I’m visiting him and we are close enough to Seattle to make a day trip. When a cashier sees our nerdy shirts, he lets us know that PAX East is going on. We go to check it out, but are denied entry. I don’t remember why anymore; I think the venue hit capacity. However, there are a few booths set up outside the official entry to the con, one of them for the musician Jonathan Coulton. I buy a CD and get it signed, my husband gets a few car decals, and then we leave.

After the flight back to Massachusetts, my mom picks me up and I put in the CD to listen to. We enjoy the songs and talk over them a few times, until we get to a song called “First Of May.” It is cute, so we are both paying attention to it, but then the lyrics take on a very different tone.

Lyrics: “’Cause it’s the first of May, first of May, outdoor f****** starts today, so bring your favorite lady, or at least your favorite lay.”

My mom and I are both shocked. I haven’t listened to the whole CD yet, so I am caught completely off guard and hide my face.

Mom: *In a scolding tone* “Jonathan Coulton! What would your mother think?!”

I couldn’t help laughing at her, but we decided not to listen to the song all the way through and skipped to the next song.

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