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Isn’t This The Plot To An Adult Film Or Something?

, , , , , , | Right Working | May 18, 2022

Decades ago, I used to drive for a number of local pizzerias in town. One was family-owned and they had their twelve-year-old daughter answer phones and take orders. Unfortunately, she had a habit of transposing numbers and getting addresses wrong.

One night, I had a late delivery to an older part of town that often had older houses converted into a number of apartments for rent. When I arrived, the lights were out on this old house, but I opened the door and started searching for apartment four. As it was dark and there only seemed to be three doors on the main floor, I went upstairs and saw a room with a light on at the end of the hallway. I knocked on the door.

It swung open to reveal this HUGE biker-type guy in the middle of making love to a woman! They slowly turned toward me in the doorway, and all I could think to do was ask:

Me: “Did you order a pizza?”

It was when he grabbed the huge hunting knife on his nightstand that I figured the answer was “No.”

It turned out that the owners’ daughter had transposed the address numbers again and I had accidentally “broken into” someone’s home!

Kitty Just Likes A Little Support

, , , , , , , | Working | May 16, 2022

After two years of working from home, I return to the office. I see a coworker whom I haven’t seen in real life in that same time, and we start chatting near the coffee machine.

Coworker #1: “And how is Robin doing?”

Me: “Oh, Robin is fine. The only odd thing is that he’s lately very obsessed with my bras. He keeps on sniffing the one I wore that day. I tried giving him an old one to fool around with, but no, it has to be the one I wore that day.”

Coworker #1: “And he never did that before?”

Me: “No, but I guess as long as he doesn’t rip them, I’m okay with it.”

Coworker #2: “[My Name], how could you?!”

Me: “Eh… excuse me? Oh, hi, [Coworker #2], didn’t see you.”

Coworker #2: “How old is Robin now?”

Me: “Eh… seven years old?”

Coworker #2: “And you just let this happen?! You should put a stop to this, right now! Sure, it may be bras now, but what’s next, panties?! And you’re just okay with that? [My Name], you of all, people, I expected more of. How can you be okay with this? And don’t go saying, ‘Boys will be boys’! What does your husband say about this?”

Me: *Pauses* “[Coworker #2], you do remember that Robin is my cat, right?”

I’ve never seen anyone turn that red. [Coworker #2] quickly left; she must have remembered that my husband and I don’t have any children. And while I am looking into my cat’s behaviour, I doubt a seven-year-old, neutered, indoor cat will be the world’s next danger for women.

“And Your Total… Why Are You Unbuckling Your Pants?”

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: HometownJess | May 15, 2022

I’ve been a cashier for over two years now, so I’ve seen all kinds of weird, funny, and borderline insane things happen while working.

Today was super slow until I helped my last customer. He was an elderly gentleman just buying a few small items. I greeted him, scanned his items, and then told him his total. As I waited to see what his method of payment would be, he started unbuckling and unzipping his pants.

I was shocked, so I quickly looked away because what the heck? Then, he quickly started apologizing.

Customer: “No, no, I’m not trying to be indecent or anything! I’m just wearing two pairs of pants and my wallet is inside!”

I slowly started to look back and saw that he was, in fact, wearing a second pair of pants under the first and digging for his wallet. I just laughed awkwardly and he paid and started to leave.

Me: “Have a great night!”

Customer: “All right.”

He responded in the most serious way as if accepting my words as a command.

The strange part was that the top layer of pants didn’t seem to be painting pants or anything like that; they were just normal slacks from what I could tell. Overall, he was an interesting customer compared to the rest of that night. It cracked me up and I think I’ll remember this one for quite a while.

User Abuser

, , , | Right | May 13, 2022

I am hired to do the UX for a client.

Me: “Can I talk to some of the users?”

Client: *Angrily.* “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE USERS!”

His users were gamblers and adult-website consumers. I kinda understood him, but the moment you’re hired to work as a USER experience designer, you kind of expect to talk to a user.


, , , , , , , , , | Working | May 11, 2022

I work in security dispatch for a mall. Mostly, I watch cameras and answer phone calls.

One day, I was watching the food court when I saw something that really churned my stomach.

This place in the food court sells, among other things, hotdogs wrapped in pretzel dough. 

It wasn’t a very busy day, the mall was dying, and this was a slow day in a dying mall. I caught one of the workers — the only one on shift that day — prodding under her skirt with a hotdog.

I don’t know what, exactly, she was doing, but after she was done, she wrapped the hotdog in dough and put it in the cooker.

I pondered dispatching a security person immediately, but instead, I notified the owner, who arrived, fired the woman, and threw out the offending pretzel-wrapped hotdog.