Only Getting The Most Important Information

, , , , , , | Related | November 19, 2018

(My family is watching a movie. My teenage sister steps out for a while.)

Sister: “What did I miss?”

Mom: “[Character] was killed in battle, and [Brad Pitt’s character] went nuts. He stripped off his uniform, charged the enemy lines, and came back with a bunch of German scalps.”

Sister: *pause* “Brad Pitt was naked?

Outdated Laws Of Some States Make You Suddenly Very Sorry For Their Horses

, , , , , | Learning | November 16, 2018

(We are all talking before the start of class when the following exchange occurs.)

Classmate #1: “Here’s a good one. ‘So, a man comes into a bar—’ Wait; it was a horse. Let me start over. ‘So, a man comes into a horse…’”

(Entire class groans while the professor gives him a look.)

Classmate #2: “You know, that’s actually legal in some states.”

Professor: *long pause* “Get out.”

The People That Spam Was Made For

, , , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I work in a cell phone kiosk. A customer comes in to reset his email password. He is an older gentleman and has mentioned in passing that he is married.)

Customer: *almost whispering* “So, those pop up ads with the cute girls… Those aren’t good, right?”

Me: “No, sir, they’re a scam.”

Customer: “Well, my friend said they were trying to steal from me.”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “Well, I just wanted to be sure. Are you sure I shouldn’t click on those pop-ups?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

Customer: “How do I see the porn in my email?”

Me: “…”

That’s What You Get For Being Under Him

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I work at the front desk of an assisted living home, checking visitors in and out, among other duties. Two people are just leaving, male and female relatives of some sort, or maybe just friends. The guy is signing out.)

Guy: “There’s my name.” *signs the time he’s leaving*

Woman: “Oh! My name’s just below. You can do me now, too.”

(I looked up with an OMG-did-you-just-say-that face. She looked right at me with an OMG-did-I-just-say-that face, blushing. The woman and I smirked at each other and the husband just went on, oblivious. I had a good laugh after they left.)

Noodles And Woods And Caulk, Oh My

, , , , , , , | Working | November 12, 2018

(My husband is a contractor for a rental company. He usually gets called to do repairs and repaint and whatnot between tenants. When he needs an extra set of hands, I usually offer to tag along and help out. This particular day, I’ve been watching him cut and replace the wooden trim on a door frame, and now he’s filling in the cracks with caulk, using his fingers and hands to get into the creases.)

Me: “Man, you are always playing with your caulk, aren’t you?!”

Husband: *smirking at me* “Got to make sure it’s smooth. Only way to do that is by rubbing my caulk with my hand.”

Me: “Looks messy. You’re going to get your caulk all over everything!”

Husband: “Good point. Maybe I should go back to playing with my wood.”

(We both start laughing. Then, the rental agent, whom my husband has been working with for nearly 15 years, calls.)

Agent: “[Husband]! That job done yet? I’m not paying you to stand around, yankin’ your noodle!”

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