An Orgy Of Unwanted Imagery

, , , | | Right | May 17, 2019

(I work at a supermarket. One morning, I’m putting through an older man’s basket that has a few bottles of wine in it and he decides to say this:)

Customer: “I have enough alcohol here for a drunken orgy!”

Me: *stares*

Customer: “I’m only joking! I’ve never had one.”

(He’s a regular customer. I’ve been unable to look at him in the same way since.)

Try Fitting It Through Your Onion Ring

, , , , , , , | | Right | May 16, 2019

(My roommate is treating us to lunch at a popular burger joint.)

Waitress: “Welcome to [Burger Joint]. May I take your order?”

(We both place our order for burgers and fries, with sweet tea.)

Roommate: “I want to add an order of onion rings to the order.”

Waitress: “6 or 13?”

Roommate: “Inches.”

(You could have heard a pin drop after he said that, despite me coughing after choking on my water. The waitress’s eyes are wide open in surprise from his comment as I get up and excuse myself. I come back a few minutes later after laughing myself out to find the roommate completely nonplussed about the scene he almost caused.)

Me: “[Roommate], next time watch what you say when asked questions like that.”

Roommate: “I didn’t say anything bad; I just answered her question.”

Me: “I’ll explain it on the way home, as it isn’t appropriate to talk about it here.”

(After we are done eating our meal, I stay behind as the roommate goes out to the car, and I approach the waitress and give her a $25.00 tip on a $40 order.)

Me: “I apologize for what he said; he didn’t know what he was implying.”

Waitress: “That’s okay. I got a good laugh and so did my coworkers.”

Sleeping On The Job

, , , , , | Working | May 8, 2019

(When I first start working at a call center taking incoming client calls, I have a pretty typical “script” of how I answer the phone. We have to thank the client for calling and give our name and some sort of pleasantry while also obtaining their name. I always opt for, “Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?” One day during my shift I start getting tired and doodling on my paper, writing the words, “I’m sleepy.” As I’m doing this, a call comes through.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking. Whom do I have the pleasure of sleeping… speaking with?”

(Luckily for me, I don’t think the client heard, and the rest of the conversation continued as normal. My coworkers wouldn’t let me live that one down for weeks!)

Should “Lay” Down Some House Rules

, , , , , | | Related | May 7, 2019

(My husband and I are hanging out in the kitchen, and my five-year-old son is playing in the living room two rooms away.)

Husband: “I haven’t gotten laid in forever.”

Son: *shouting from living room* “Well, maybe if you were better at it, Daddy!”

AS&MR

, , , , , , | | Romantic | May 6, 2019

(I’m teasing my fiancé about how much he likes it when I talk in a particular voice during “fun time.”)

Me: “You are such a dirty old man.”

Fiancé: “Well, it’s like ASMR!”

Me: “I don’t think ASMR is meant to have that effect on you.”

Fiancé: “It’s supposed to give you tingles. I don’t see why I should get judged based on what part of me tingles.”

(Yes, I laughed.)

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