A Freudian Slip Below The Neckline

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(It’s a quiet evening and I am the only staff member on the shop floor. I am a 19-year-old female. Two middle-aged male customers walk into the store. They browse for a bit and then bring a DVD and some snacks to the counter.)

Me: “Good evening. How are you both?”

Customer: “Hi. Just these, please.”

(The customer places the items on the desk, and I ring them through while making general conversation. The transaction goes normally, until this…)

Customer: “So, did it hurt when you got your nipples pierced?”

Me: “Um…”

(I have my nose, ears, and navel pierced, but no other piercings, so I am not sure how to reply to this.)

Customer: “Oh, my God… Nose! I meant, did it hurt when you got your nose pierced?!”

Me: *relieved and trying not to laugh* “Oh! Yes, it did a little, but it wasn’t too bad.”

(I finish the transaction, somehow managing not to dissolve into laughter, and the customers leave the store. At this point, I can no longer keep it in, and burst into laughter, just as my supervisor walks onto the shop floor. I explain to him what just took place.)

Supervisor: “He was probably just trying his hardest not to stare at your chest, and that ended up being a Freudian slip!”

A Big, Black Eight-Inch Bar

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(I work for a satellite TV company. I am at an elderly gentleman’s home. He has called in complaining of poor signal in even cloudy weather, loss of channels, and black bars on the screen. He was upsold to an HD-DVR upgrade since he had some of the original HD equipment. I re-point his dish, which was so far out of alignment I’m amazed he even had service, period, and which was the cause of all his problems. I install the new box and get everything programmed. It should be noted that the customer has stated that at his age he basically lives in his bedroom, where he has a 70″ big screen on the wall across his bed. After I get done explaining everything I have done both inside and out, he asks me to check a channel for him. He gives me a channel number, and the Info Banner pops up a moment before the picture and reads, “Granny’s First Big Black C**k.” Sure enough, that’s what shows up a second later. The customer walks up to the screen and puts his hands about eight inches apart on the bottom of the screen.)

Customer: “This is where that black bar used to show up. I’m paying for this big TV; I want to see all of it, not some of it. I was losing over a foot of picture. And sometimes on the sides, too.”

(I’m looking at the bed to ignore the porn on the screen.)

Me: “The black bars usually indicate that the program is not coming in HD, or that it is simply not an HD program. Your dish was pretty far out of alignment, so almost everything was coming in standard definition. That is all fixed now that I’ve re-pointed and tightened down your dish. You should only see those bars on programs broadcast standard now. You wouldn’t expect TV Land to be high-def.”

Customer: “I hope you’re right. I’m paying for this and I’m not going to be cheated. Where do I sign?”

(I immediately hit the previous channel button to get it back to regular programming and left as soon as I could.)

Fragile Masculinity On Speakerphone

, , , , | Working | September 17, 2018

(A coworker and I are checking inventory in the aisles. A few other coworkers are working in the stockroom.)

Coworker: *in stockroom, over headset* “Which one of you guys has a small one?”

(There is stunned silence, while a coworker near me and I look at each other funny.)

Coworker: *near me* “[Stockroom Coworker], I don’t think anyone is going to answer that.”

(Apparently, she wanted to ask who was using one of our small pallet jacks.)

Not-So-Family-Friendly Magic

, , , , , | Working | September 13, 2018

(I work as an outside salesperson for a HVAC company. Before, however, I was a professional magician, and I often still carry some magic tricks on me. Whenever we get new coworkers, I often show off and pull brightly colored sponge balls out of people’s hair and make them multiply and vanish. One day, I walk into the dispatch area of the office that is packed with multiple dispatchers and a couple of managers talking. One of our newer dispatchers sees me and gets really excited when I walk in.)

Coworker: “[My Name]! Do you have your balls on you?!”

(Everyone bursts out laughing, and we have to put a couple of people on hold due to the volume of the laughter. My coworker realizes what she said and tries to backtrack.)

Coworker: “No, wait. I mean your magic balls!”

(Everyone laughs harder.)

Me: *almost in tears* “Yes, I do! But thank you for making my day!”

Manager: “I need to go warn the new HR manager to be wary of any complaints about your magic balls!”

That Happens A Lot In University, Too

, , , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(I work as a tour guide at my university. Usually the tours run smoothly, as we are all trained to answer the ordinary questions about class sizes and sports teams. Every once in a while, however, the tours can go a bit off-script.)

Me: “And this is the pool area. We hold swimming hours for students, posted here on the door.”

Customer: *motions toward his newborn baby, then to the pool* “Golly, this looks like a great place to learn how to doggy-style!”

Me: *cheeks burning, eyes wide, trying desperately to figure out what he means*

Customer: *panicked, finally realizing his mistake* “I meant doggy paddle! You see, my son hasn’t learned… I meant doggy paddle!”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, my God.”

(That was a tour I’ll never forget.)

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