These Freshmen Are Jumping In With Both Feet

, , , , , | Learning | February 22, 2021

In my freshman World Literature class, one of our units is “1001 Arabian Nights,” not an uncommon choice of study for a high school.

Many of us are surprised by the book’s inciting incident: a king finding out about his queen’s affair, losing all trust in women, and taking a new bride every night only to have her executed the next morning before she can be unfaithful to him. The book is built on the premise of one bride continually telling him stories, causing her death to be put off just one more night until he no longer wants to kill her.

The king finds out about his wife’s affair because he discovers her in their bedroom with a stable boy who is holding her veil, deeply shocking for the original Muslim audience of the early Middle Ages.

Students in the class each have to have their own copy of the book; however, we are confused by the teacher’s unusual strictness about exactly which version of the book we need to purchase. When we ask about this, she tells us this story.

One day, my teacher saw one of her students looking oddly at his book, face pale and eyes wide. He looked like he was about to faint. Before she could say anything, he got up from his desk, shuffled over to her, and squeaked.

Student: “Uhh… Mrs. [Teacher]? Are you sure this is the right book?”

He showed her the page he’d been looking at. Skimming the text, my teacher found what had prompted him to ask the question: a passage about the king discovering the affair, with a long and explicit description of the queen’s state of undress.

The next time she taught that unit, she made sure everyone knew EXACTLY which version of the book to get.

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Freedom Of Speech Is Not Freedom From Consequences

, , , | Right | February 18, 2021

A guy comes up to my desk and asks for a room. He’s got on a black shirt with a photo of a penis — a big, hairy, veiny one — on it. It is so realistic.

Me: “Um, you can’t walk around with that on. We’ve got kids here.”

Guest: “What’s wrong with it? It’s not real!”

Me: “I know, but some customers might be offended by it.”

Guest: “But it’s not against the law! This is the USA!”

Me: “It’s indecent exposure.”

I call for a manager. I try and try to get him to leave, and he refuses, and my manager comes out. She also agrees and calls the police. Two cops come.

Guest: “I can’t believe this! Aren’t we in America, freedom of expression and all of that? You have to serve me!”

Police: “You may have the right to wear that shirt, but they have the right to make you leave. Businesses are private property, and they can make you leave.”

The cops finally had to strong-arm him out. The guy flipped us off and yelled that we were discriminating against him. I still think I must’ve been on “Candid Camera”! Weirdest encounter I’ve had. Turns out the guy was on a lot of drugs and just had come from a concert.

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A Bad Idea For So Many Reasons

, , , , | Healthy | February 16, 2021

I’m training a colleague to work in a lab for rapidly spreading diseases. The standard operating procedures are slightly different than for some of the other germs we usually work with, including wearing extra Personal Protective Equipment on top of the usual kit. As we are about to exit…

Colleague: “I want to watch you disrobe.”

Me: “I think the word for PPE is ‘doff.’ ‘Disrobe’ sounds like we’re about to have sex.”

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A Valentine’s For Over-21s Only

, , , , , , | Right | February 14, 2021

I am seventeen, working as a grocery store cashier. As I am under 21, I have to have an over-21 coworker ring up alcohol. My manager comes to scan a customer’s champagne. He is also purchasing flowers, a “Happy Anniversary” card, chocolates, and a box of condoms. As the manager finishes scanning, he says: 

Manager: “You have a nice day, sir.”

Customer: “I sure will!”

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Nope. Absolutely Not.

, , , , , | Right | February 12, 2021

I work in a fast food restaurant. It’s pretty empty, with just one group of three people inside. While two of them are ordering, the third man walks up to me at the register to pay for them. This dude is probably 6’5″ with grey, greased-back hair, wearing a Hawaiian shirt in late September. His choice words to start the conversation?

Customer: “Daddy’s paying tonight!”

He then leans in way too close to me.

Customer *Whispers* “I’m Daddy.”

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