Turn That Filter Off And Your Phone Might Get Pregnant

, , , , , | Working | September 18, 2019

(Working in a cell phone provider’s store, I often get customers asking about their bills. I get one such customer: a lady in her thirties complaining she hasn’t received the email invoice this month. This is a common occurrence, and something that often happens is that the email has been picked up by the mail client’s spam filter. I attempt to ask her about this.)

Me: “Have you checked your sperm filter?”

(I immediately realized I’d said a bad word instead of “spam,” but decided to keep the conversation going, hoping she hadn’t noticed. She never said anything, the rest of the conversation was very awkward, and to this day I still don’t know if she heard what I really said or not.)

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We Can Assume That Salad Was Adequately Tossed  

, , , , , | Right | September 18, 2019

(Two women are eating salads at my bar. One woman finishes eating way faster than the other.)

Me: “Wow, someone was hungry.”

Woman #1: “Yeah, I hadn’t eaten today and I was famished.”

Woman #2: “Wow, you did eat fast. You really ran on a train on that salad.”

Me: “I… um… don’t think you’re using that phrase right.”

Woman #1: “She definitely isn’t. Don’t tell her; I’ll show her later.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

(They pay a little while later and, as they leave…)

Woman #1: “All right, off to show her what it means to run a train on someone!”

Me: “Have… fun?”

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A Hole In Their Knowledge Base That Is Being Filled In  

, , , , , | Right | September 17, 2019

(I work at an adult store. It’s pretty quiet and I spend most of my time watching YouTube videos or surfing the Internet. I just had a customer walk in and after 30 minutes of her walking around she finally comes up to talk to me.)

Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

Woman: “I’m confused. What do you do with all these toys?”

Me: “Anything really. But mostly you just find a hole and stick it in.”

Woman: “What about this?” *holds up a battery-operated toy*

Me: “Find a hole and stick it in.”

Woman: “And this one?” *battery-less toy* 

Me: “Find a hole and stick it in; you may start to see a pattern here.”

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That’s One Super Special Senior Special!

, , , , , | Right | September 16, 2019

(I am serving two elderly ladies. There is a senior special available on weekdays, but they are concerned that this is going to be too big a portion for them, so they are asking for recommendations.)

Me: “Well, I recommend the fish goujon starter to come as a main. It comes with a little salad, you could have some chips to share if you wanted, but the senior special comes with the dessert.”

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh! Fish goujons! That’s like them things you like, them, er… them chicken condoms!”

(I try not to react to her words because it is busy and I am almost sure I misheard her. Her friend speaks up.)

Elderly Lady #2: *to me* “Don’t worry, dear; that’s just what I call them.”

(I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and the ladies notice my reaction, but I can’t contain my giggles.)

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, look, she’s blushing!”

Elderly Lady #2: “You’d think we were sex addicts, wouldn’t you?”

(At this I almost lost it, because about fifteen seconds before, honest to God, they were the kindest, sweetest ladies you could meet. We all had a giggle, so I put the order in and broke down with laughter in the kitchen. When I took their food, they brought it up again and I started up again. I never, ever expected it, but they were very self-aware about what they were saying!)

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Too Much Play For That Boy

, , , , , , | Related | September 13, 2019

(Back in the seventies, my mom babysat a lot. One of her favorite stories was when she was babysitting a boy around eight years old. He had apparently gotten into his dad’s stash of — ahem — adult literature. When my mom found him with a certain bunny-themed racy magazine she took it away, much to the boy’s dismay. His best argument?)

Boy: “Hey! Give that back! My grandmother gave me that!”

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