Nakedly Unashamed

, , , , | Friendly | March 23, 2018

(A woman and her daughter, who is probably about six at the absolute oldest, are browsing through our card selection. Suddenly, the little girl gasps excitedly. Her eyes go wide as quarters, and she turns to look at me with a HUGE smile on her face.)

Me: *thinking she’s seen one of the card with cute animals* “What’d you see?”

Little Girl: *just stands there, mouth open, still a huge smile*

Her Mother: “Which card, honey?”

Little Girl: *points to a card with a man in a bathing suit posing on a beach with a dog*

Me: “Do you really like dogs?”

Little Girl: *shakes her head back and forth, still just smiling*

Her Mother: “Are you looking at the nice dog?”

Little Girl: “No! I’m looking at the nice, naked man!”

Haven’t Got The Balls To Eat Them

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(I am a guy in my early 20s. My mother, her friend, and I get lunch at the restaurant where my roommate works. He is our waiter and comes to take our order.)

Friend: “I can’t remember the word for it, but I’d like the octopus testicles.”

Waiter: “The what?”

Friend: “You know, octopus testicles!”

Waiter: “Um…”

Mom: *laughs*

Me: *poker face*

Friend: “What? You know what I’m talking about. Octopus testicles!”

Waiter: “Uh…”

(This continues on for half a dozen requests for octopus “testicles.” I’m trying, and utterly failing, to contain laughter. My mom is close to busting a rib, and my roommate is silently standing there with an extremely uncomfortable look on his face.)

Mom: *whispers in her friend’s ear*

Friend: *eyes popping out* “Oh! Oh, no!”

Mom: “She wants the calamari.”

(She thought she was saying “tentacles.”)

When You Were Younger, You Gave Away The Moon

, , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(I am 13 at the time, and I’m using the swing set with my 16-year-old sister at the park. For some horrible reason I have neglected to put on underwear today.)

Me: “I’m going to swing higher than you!”

Sister: “Oh, yeah? I’d like to see you try!”

(I swing so high I start to fall backwards, until my belt loops snag onto the chains. My sister gasps. I swing upside-down by my belt loops, so that my pants have slid down to my ankles.)

30-Year-Old Man: *with small daughter* “Um… Do you need help, miss?”

Me: *moons growing audience of parents and small children*

Four-Year-Old Boy: “It’s a BUTT!”

(My shirt has fallen over my face by this point, and I have to do a nude sit-up to grab the chains.)

Four-Year-Old Boy: “Are you okay?”

Sister: *dies laughing*

Me: *falls off swing and kicks [Sister] before sprinting away*

Extra-Blu Ray

, , | Right | March 14, 2018

(An older gentleman has brought back his Blu-Ray player.)

Elderly Customer: “I can’t get this to work. The red light comes on, but the remote isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just check it out.”  

(I connect it to a handy television, and sure enough, the set-up menu comes up, but the remote won’t work.)

Elderly Customer: “I brought a disc to test it.”

(I take the recent release, an Oscar-winning disc, but check the remote first and find one battery is put in backwards.)

Me: “There’s your problem, sir. The battery was in the wrong way; it should be fine now.”

Elderly Customer: “Could you check that it works, please?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I hit eject, and out popped the tray with a “Combat Zone XXX” porn DVD in it.)

Tied To That Answer

, , , , , | Romantic | March 14, 2018

(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am pretending to force myself on my more-than-willing partner, the phone rings:)

Caller: “Is [Girlfriend] available?”

Me: “Sorry, but she can’t come to the phone. She. Is. Tied. Up. Right. Now.”

Caller: “All right, we’ll try another time.” *click*

(I don’t know if the guy realized that I was telling the absolute truth.)

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