I’ll Have What She’s Having

, , , | Right | August 16, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me, is it true that your hot chocolate can induce orgasms?”

Me: “Umm, I don’t think so.”

Customer: “Have you had it?”

Me: “Yes, and no, it didn’t induce a… you know.”

Customer: *pointing to her friend* “[Friend] here says she has an orgasm every time she has your hot chocolate. Isn’t that right, [Friend]?”

Friend: *blushing and whispering* “No! I said I like it so much every time I have it that I could orgasm!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’ll just have a coffee, then.”

That Is NOT The Same Old Yarn

, , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(The store I work in sells a lot of yarn. We often have multiple batches/shipments of the same colour yarn in our shelves, and we have to double check that both the batch and colour match before we sell it to a customer, to avoid colour differences in the finished product. This happens at the checkout when a customer wants to buy a lot of yarn)

Me: “Now I just have to check the batch numbers real quickly so we are sure you get no colour differences later on.”

Customer: *sighs* “I understand that; we all have our fetishes.”

(I freeze for about half a second from this comment but the rest of the transaction goes as normal. After she leaves:)

Boss: “I really don’t think it means what she think it means.”

Me: “I don’t even want to know.”

A Naked Business Proposal

, , , , , | Learning | August 13, 2017

We are watching the most recent episode of a business show in my marketing class, where investors nicknamed after certain large marine predators hear business proposals and invest in them.

The class watches for the first few minutes as a company that does wine and art classes sets up a demo on portrait painting for the investors. All of the sudden, a guy in a bathrobe walks in on screen. It becomes clear to the class that this is going to be nude painting.

My marketing teacher SPRINTS to his computer and quickly changes the episode. I’ve never laughed so hard in his class.

Not Anal About Phrasing

, , , | Romantic | August 1, 2017

(I was chatting with a coworker, and she mentioned another coworker of ours has a crush on her.)

Coworker #1: “Nothing against [Coworker #2] as a person, but I could never go out with him. He’s not my type.”

Me: “How do you mean?”

Coworker #1: “You know me. I’m pretty laid-back, and he’s an anal type. I don’t do anal.”

(I knew what she meant, but she paused, and then nearly fainted from trying to restrain her laughter.)

Coworker #1: “God, why did I say it that way?!”

Mom I Gotta Go, The Hookers Are Here

, , , | Friendly | July 18, 2017

(I’m at a friend’s birthday, and we’re playing board games. In the middle of a game, the host gets a phone call and steps outside. He doesn’t return for several minutes, and the rest of the group starts to get impatient. Meanwhile, his girlfriend has also left the room to check on the food.)

Friend #1: *loudly* “Hey, [Host]! It’s your turn!”

(There’s no reaction, and we can hear that Host is still talking to someone on the phone.)

Friend #2: *even louder, with an evil smirk* “Hey, [Host]! Hurry up, the prostitutes are here!”

Friend #3: “Wouldn’t it be funny if that made [Girlfriend] appear instead?”

(Right on cue, his girlfriend enters the room, grinning broadly. She points back to the corridor where her boyfriend is still on the phone.)

Girlfriend: “Shout louder. His mom can’t hear you.”

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