Cementing That Image Into Your Mind

, , , , | Learning | June 18, 2017

(We are learning sex education, and our teacher has broached onto unusual sexual practices and fetishism. Don’t ask how it happened; it just did. There have been several things listed already.)

Student #1: “Enemas?”

Teacher: “Yes, they can also used in sexual practices.”

Student #2: “What about cement enemas?”

(I know exactly where he got the question from. The teacher does not however. You can tell she is trying to imagine the logistics.)

Teacher: “I… I need to lie down.” *leaves the classroom*

Student #3: “Oh, my God! You broke the teacher!”

They Need An MFDA

, , , , | Friendly | June 15, 2017

(My friends and I are all big Harry Potter fans and love talking about the little details of the series — especially the darker ones. We’re currently finishing up lunch and waiting for the bell for next class to ring.)

Me: “Yeah, when you think about it, the love potions are pretty terrifying. One person has the ability to make you completely obsessed with them, consent or none, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Friend #1: “So true. Remember when [Character #1] accidentally ate those chocolates [Character #2] spiked?”

Friend #2: “And the worst part is no one batted an eye. She bought them at a joke shop for God’s sakes. The stuff isn’t regulated at all!”

Friend #1: “It’s kind—”

Friend #3: *who’s been mostly silent but is now shouting enthusiastically* “DATE RAPE DRUGS! *scurries off to class just as the bell rings*

They’re Not In The Same Boat

, , , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2017

(I am a kid. Our neighbors tell us about a nice dinner cruise they took on New Year’s and we all decide to go together. We get to the boat.)

Neighbor: “Hello, we’re here for the dinner cruise.”

Worker: *eyes the kids* “Umm, this is an adult cruise.”

Neighbor: *smiling* “What? We did this cruise during New Year’s.”

Worker: *clears throat* “Umm, yeah, we only do the kid-friendly cruises during the holidays.”

Neighbor: “How is the cruise not kid-friendly?”

Worker: “Umm…”

(At that moment, I look through the window of the boat and see a stripper pole. I tell my fellow neighbor’s children.)

Neighbor’s Child: *leans over to her mom and whispers in her ear*

Neighbor: *eyes go wide* “Oh!”

(We ended up going home and ordering pizza!)

He’s A Complete Package

, , , | Friendly | June 6, 2017

(I’ve just joined a sewing class for the new sewing machine I had just bought. Most of the ladies in the class are double my age, in their 60s and 70s. This is my first day.)

Classmate: *putting a bag on the table* “I’ve finished him.”

Teacher: “Finished who?”

Classmate: “The new man in my life.” *pulls a sculpted fabric doll of an old man out of her bag*

(Everyone is “oohing and aahing” over him.)

Classmate #2: *holding the doll* “Is this the pattern you were telling me about? The one with… um…”

Classmate: “Yes, it is. He is complete; take a look”

Classmate #2: *pulls his trousers down* “Look, everyone, she included the family jewels, too.”

Classmate #3: “Oh, my God! He’s even got pubes!”

(I sit in amusement as these older ladies, howling with laughter, pass the doll around so they can take a look.)

Teacher: “Such a pleasant way to welcome [My Name] to the group.”

Someone Had A Very Happy Holidays

, , | NY, USA | Right | December 22, 2016

It is just a little before Christmas, I’m outside pushing carts, when a coworker asks me to check a strange black garbage bag that had been sitting next to her car all day.

Not being 100% clear of the regulations regarding random black garbage bags, I open it up to find inside a large piece of machinery. After a few moments, I lift up something that is instantly identifiable as a sex toy, which makes me realize that I am in the presence of a much larger mechanical sex toy.

I looked at my watch and see that my shift is thankfully now up, go inside, clock out, and go home. I found out later that the two night supervisors had to take care of it.

I was having no part of that.

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