Always A Good Idea

, , , , , | Working | July 3, 2020

I work in an office. Yesterday, a client was trying to reply to an email sent by [Coworker #1], but it was never received. The next morning, we are both the first in the office.

Me: “Hey, did you ever get that email from [Client]?”

Coworker #1: “Yeah! It went to my junk folder for some reason.”

Me: “Huh, weird.”

Curious, I start to peruse the junk folder on my computer. I am absent-mindedly clicking through emails while other coworkers file into the office.

Me: “Wow! I need to clean my junk!”

There is a pause while I realize what I’ve just announced and look up to everyone staring at me.

Coworker #2: “Well, good morning to you, too.”

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We Didn’t Know The Library Had A Back Room

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2020

I work in a library. One of our regular patrons, an older woman who comes in frequently to check out movies, comes in with a man I’ve never seen before. They select several DVDs and bring them to the desk to check out.

Me: “Oh, you’ve got four new releases here; the limit on those is three at a time. You’ll need to pick one to put back.”

Woman: “Oops!” *To the man* “Okay, which of these do you want to see more?”

Man: “I don’t want to see any of ’em!”

Woman: “Well, what kind of movies do you like, anyway?”

Man: “Sex movies!” *To me* “What kind of sex movies you got around here?”

Me: *Speechless*

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Time To Make A Reservation For The Living Room Couch

, , , , | Romantic | June 30, 2020

A friend is having a cookout with several people I know and several I don’t know. I am inside with a few other people when a man comes in and addresses his wife. I only recognize them as friends of the host, so I don’t even know their names.

Husband: “Honey, [Best Friend] says he’ll buy [bedroom toy] from us since you didn’t like it.”

Wife: *Turning red* “What?!”

Husband: “[Best Friend] said—”

Wife: “I heard you. Why are you— Come here.”

She drags him into the bathroom, but they’re still loud enough for everyone to hear.

Husband: “What? They want a new toy; I said you didn’t like yours.”

Wife: “And you and [Best Friend] were the only ones in this conversation?”

Husband: *Slowly* “Well, [Other Guys] were there, and that guy in the green shirt, and—” 

Wife: “I cannot f****** believe you think this is acceptable.”

Husband: “What? It’s just talk!”

Wife: “And what if I told all the wives why we need the toys? And what if they tell their husbands?”

Husband: *Pause* “Well, I—”

Wife: “You stop talking about our bedroom life, or you won’t have one and I will tell everyone about all of your shortcomings. Do you understand?”

The wife came out of the bathroom and everyone pretended they didn’t hear anything. She grabbed her purse and keys and left the party. The husband sheepishly exited the bathroom and went back outside. I don’t know them well enough to know what happened after that, but I do know if my husband was spouting off about our bedroom life, I’d be pretty pissed, too!

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Ah, Teens…

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2020

It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon and three young but huge teenage boys are swaggering about in the fiction section, making sure they keep the noise just below kick-out level. Their “spokesman” summons me over and asks as loudly as he can:

Teen: “Where are your sexual books?”

Me: *Smiling politely* “Well, we do carry copies of the Kama Sutra in its classic form and in photo-illustration; you may find the latter more informative.”

Teen: “Um… so, can we see them?”

Me: “Yes, you’ll find them under Health upstairs.”

They practically ran up to the health section, and I heard sporadic giggling for the next ten minutes.

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Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward

, , , | Related | June 19, 2020

I’m a university student home for summer. Like most students, I tend to keep certain aspects of my personal life from my parents.

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], have you ever had ‘Netflix and chill’?”

I look at her in slight panic and confusion. 

Me: “No…?”

Mom: “Oh. Well, I’ve heard good things about it. There’s a carton in the freezer if you want some later.”

It turns out that “Netflix and Chill” is also an ice cream flavour.

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