I am answering customer emails between phone calls, when I receive a reply to a customer’s email order confirmation, reading only:

Email: “We did not receive our order!”

I read through the original confirmation, which is included below the customer’s reply, then took a look at the customer’s order and account.

The order was submitted online on Wednesday, November 5^th, at 3:05 PM. The order confirmation was sent at 3:11 PM the same day. The confirmation listed the expected delivery date of Monday, November 10^th.

We do not offer same-day delivery. Most orders are delivered the next day, but in this case, the account instructions specified deliveries only on Mondays and Wednesdays, so the order was scheduled with a delayed delivery to meet the customer’s instructions.

The customer sent the email complaint at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, November 5^th.

I worked at a pizza place for several years as a teenager, including during the Brisbane floods of 2011. Half the roads in the area we delivered to were closed, and residents were flooded in.

Caller: “I want to order a pizza!”

When a customer calls on the phone number linked to their account, we automatically see their name and address in their order history.

Me: “Madam, if this is to be delivered to your home address, then I’m afraid we can’t do that today. Your area is experiencing floods and—”

Caller: “—I know! I can see a river outside my window where my street used to be!”

Me: “…So, you understand why we can’t deliver today?”

Caller: “Uh… no?! I can’t drive out, so you have to bring the pizza to me! That’s why I’m f****** ordering!”

Me: “Madam, if you can’t drive in or out of your street, our drivers can’t either.”

Caller: “That’s what the delivery fee is for you f****** idiot!”

Me: “Sure, b****, just hold on a sec while I fire up the chopper.” *Click.*

We let her multiple call backs ring out until she got the hint.

I used to work at a dry cleaner that also makes custom-tailored suits and does high-quality alterations. It’s a family business, and we can work on thousand-dollar fabrics without flinching; however, we do not have the machinery to work on leather, at least not to the level of quality we desired.

There are so many people who think that if they can picture the results in their head, they can flawlessly reproduce whatever garment they want.

Customer: “I want you to take this leather jacket and turn it into a pair of pants.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is way beyond our ability. I think it’s beyond anyone’s ability.”

Customer: “What, all you gotta do is cut it up and sew it back together. It’s simple.”

Me: “If it’s so simple, why don’t you do it?”

Customer: “Nah, I have money, so I outsource everything! Look, just take a week on it so you don’t have to rush. I can give you twenty to do it, twenty-five if it looks really nice.”

Me: “Ma’am, even our most basic alteration fees start at around forty.”

Customer: “Forty?! That’s crazy! Twenty is more than enough! You don’t even have to buy new material!”

Me: “Yes, but it’s not about the material, it’s about making sure the end product doesn’t look like Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. No one will do this for you, ma’am. It might be quicker and easier for you to just buy some new leather pants.”

Customer: “No! I already told all the ladies at church that I was going to do this, so you need to do this for me.”

Me: “I can’t, ma’am.”

She makes some kind of disappointed sound and power walks out.

Coworker: “Leatherface-style leather pants at church is certainly… a look.”

Had a woman come up to the counter with a bag of bird seed and a coupon that said, in big blue wording, that it was for a different size bag, a different brand, and a different kind of seed altogether.

I explained, but she said:

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t need that kind of bird seed, I need this kind.”

Me: “That’s not how coupons work. You can’t get the discount on another item.”

Customer: “But I should, because I don’t need that kind!”

Me: “I can’t help you, sorry.”

Customer: “You can change it, now that you know I need that kind!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I can’t.”

Customer: “Yes, you can, because I need that kind!”

Me: “And I need this conversation to end, but neither of us is getting what we want.”

I totally got a verbal warning from my boss for that, but it DID end the conversation…

I work in a juice place. I’m serving a customer, with another one waiting.

Customer: “What’s in your freshly pressed apple juice?”

Me: “Just apples.”

Customer: “Oh, what does that taste like?”

Me: “…Just apples.”

Customer: “Can you make it taste like strawberries?”

Me: “Ma’am, would you like a strawberry juice?”

Customer: “No, I want an apple juice, but I want it to taste like strawberries.”

Me: “I can do an apple and strawberry juice mix, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, I want only apple juice, but I want it to taste like strawberries.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well then, I’ll go somewhere that can! What do you think of that?!”

Before I can answer, the next customer helps me out.

Next Customer: “Oh, you should go to St. Joseph’s!”

Customer: “That sounds like a church.”

Next Customer: “It is! I heard they got a guy who can turn water into wine, so maybe you can hit him up about turning apples into strawberries?”

The customer was not amused and walked out. That next customer had a request that didn’t defy Heaven and Earth and got a 10% discount.