Realtors generally make the most money in my town. A realtor couple considered VIP regulars come into our restaurant every Sunday about fifteen minutes before closing.

Realtor: “I want the spaghetti and meatballs but with only one meatball. If there are two meatballs, I will send it back.”

I tell the chef this, and he rolls his eyes.

Chef: “Is that the realtor?”

Me: “Yeah. How did you know?”

Chef: “He always makes either wild or stupid requests like this every visit. He’s just looking for a way to stand out and say, ‘Look at me! I have money and discerning tastes!’ He once asked for a side of two fried chicken breasts with piccata sauce and sent it back saying the breasts tasted like they came from different chickens.”

That realtor got his single meatball, but he still complained that the meatball wasn’t “ball-shaped enough”.

Customer: “I want the meatloaf, red cabbage, and mashed potatoes. But can you blend it all together and make it into a kinda mush?”

Me: “I… guess?”

The customer smiles at me, revealing that he has no teeth at all.

Customer: “Thanks!”

I am working in the kitchen at a hotel during the breakfast rush. A coworker making the omelets gets a written order and looks shocked.

Coworker: “That can’t be right.”

I have a quick glance at the order written down.

Note: “Cheese omelet, topped with a fifty-fifty mix of mayo and grape jelly.”

Me: “That’s… an abomination.”

Coworker: “That can’t be right. I’ll check with who gave me the order.”

The waitstaff who took the order confirms that it is correct; they double-checked when taking the order down. I just stare sorrowfully at my coworker who is now coming to terms with the fact that she will have to make this monstrosity.

All I can hear from her at the omelet station is:

Coworker: “The smell… Dear God… The smell…”

What made it worse was that guest was staying all week, and they ordered the same thing for breakfast every single day…

A customer has come into our store looking for a specific branded item.

Me: “I am sorry, but we don’t carry that item. You can find it at [Competitor].”

Customer: “You haven’t even looked for it. How do you know you don’t have it?”

Me: “Because [Brand] is owned by [Competitor]. Only they sell it.”

Customer: “Well, I want you to order it in.”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t order it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because this is [Store], not [Competitor].”

Customer: *Snapping at me* “I know this is [Store]. Do you think I am stupid or something?”

Me: “No, I am just trying to let you know that we can’t order their stock.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go all that way to their store. Just ring them and get them to send it here.”

Me: “No, I can’t ring them.”

Customer: *Testily* “Why not? What about good customer service?”

Me: “Because I don’t work for [Competitor].”

Customer: “B****! I’ll be complaining [Competitor] about your attitude. You’ll be lucky to keep your job!” *Storms out*

Yeah, good luck with that.

Customer: “I want a double [burger] with extra jalapenos.”

I add a couple of extra.

Customer: “Not just a couple extra… I want enough to f*** up my day.”

Of course, we want to make the customers happy, so I honor the request. When I am done with making the burger, there are more jalapeńos than there is meat and other veggies combined. I see her open the foil, eyes gleaming at the burger, and she takes a huge bite. Her eyes go wide, she catches me staring, and mid-chew, she gives me a smile and a thumbs-up.

On her way out:

Customer: “My insides are crying. Thank you so much!”

She left… happy?

Related:
Jalapeño-No-No, Part 2
Jalapeño-No-No