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Hopefully, You Never Have To Cross That Bridge

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2020

(I’ve worked in hospitality for several years. It never ceases to amaze me how people ask for the toilets. I’ve heard all sorts of questions.)

Customer #1: “Where are the facilities?”

Customer #2: “Where can I pee?”

Customer #3: “Do you know where the toilets are?”

(But my favourite of all…)

Customer #4: “Do you have toilets?”

(I normally say:)

Me: “No, sorry, we do our business from the bridge.” *pointing outside*

(Our restaurant is by the river, next to a vintage, pedestrian-only bridge. Normally, people laugh and then I’ll direct them to the restrooms. But not THIS guy. I tell him the line, and he laughs and said:)

Customer #4: “Oh, okay, I got it.”

(I thought he had gotten the joke and had finally seen the huge sign reading, “RESTROOMS – DOWNSTAIRS,” right in front of him. Next thing I knew, I was peeking outside and I saw this guy climbing on the bridge with his pants off.)

It’s A Privilege To Pee

, , , , | Working | April 10, 2020

(My husband and I are traveling and we stop at a fast food place to get a drink. I am pregnant and I have to pee. This conversation ensues, word for word, with the employee working the register.)

Me: “Hi there. Can someone come and unlock the bathroom for me?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Oh, okay, then. Is there a key I can use?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Um. Is the bathroom just unlocked, then?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Well. Okay. I really need to use the bathroom.”

Employee: “There is a button that someone needs to press to unlock the door.”

(The employee makes no move to press the button or alert anyone else. I am starting to shuffle uncomfortably from one foot to the other when a random customer in line interjects.)

Random Customer: “Buddy, can you just press the button so she can use the bathroom?”

(The employee looks stunned by this idea but calls out to the back asking someone to let me into the women’s room. I go and stand by the bathroom door, but nothing happens for several minutes. I walk back to the counter.)

Me: “Can someone please open the door to the bathroom?”

(Someone finally pressed the button. I eye-rolled into oblivion while emptying my bladder.)

Not The Religion Of The People

, , , , , , , | Right | April 7, 2020

(I am working the register on a Sunday afternoon in 1982 as all of the churches in the neighborhood are letting out. This is generally a busy time of day, both in the store and at the gas pumps. Things are running smoothly as a harried-looking woman drags a three- or four-year-old-girl into the store.)

Customer: “Bathroom?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we do not have restrooms for customer use.”

Customer: “My daughter has to use the bathroom.”

Me: “There are two bars and four restaurants in this block that have public bathrooms.”

Customer: “My daughter has to go now! Where do you go to the bathroom?”

Me: “Our bathroom is for employee use only as we store dangerous chemicals in there.”

Customer: *dragging her daughter behind the counter toward the door to our office* “Well, you’re just going to have to make an exception.”

Me: *steps in front of the door, blocking her way* “I’m terribly sorry, but our restroom is not for public use.”

(Suddenly, the little girl pulls her hand out of her mother’s, puts it on her hip, and yells:)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re not public, we’re Catholic!”

(Then, the girl stuck her tongue out at me. The woman grabbed the girl’s hand again and stormed out of the store.)

Not The Same Man Coming Out

, , , , , | Right | April 4, 2020

I am working in a sandwich shop. We have no problem letting people use the bathroom. 

One time, a man enters the restaurant. He has a large and thick beard on his face that makes us assume he is homeless. He goes directly to our bathroom. I am busy serving another customer so I don’t see him clearly when he gets out of the bathroom, but something is off.

His beard has disappeared!

He shaved his face and there is now hair all over the sink and on the floor.

And Then He Vowed To Never Help Anyone Again

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 2, 2020

I’m in my socially-awkward early twenties and I’m visiting a small local theater to see a movie. Before the movie starts, I go to use the restroom. As I’m washing my hands, a young boy around seven comes up to the sink next to me and starts hopping while grabbing at the sink handle. Thinking he can’t reach, I turn it on for him

Kid: “No, not that. I’m trying to reach those.”

He points at the liquid soap dispensers above the sink. I squirt a large amount onto the palm of my hand and lower it to him.

Me: “Here.”

Kid: “Thanks!”

He scoops soap out my hand. I wash off my hands, turn off the water for him, and leave to go see my movie. Later, as everyone is leaving the theater:

Kid: “Hey! Thanks for before!”

I turn to see the kid waving at me with one hand while holding onto a woman with the other. The kid tugs on his mom’s hand and points at me. 

Kid: “Mom, that guy was cool. He helped me use the restroom earlier.”

My eyes went wide as I realized how bad that could sound out of context. I made eye contact with the mom who was looking at me with concern. I wordlessly spun on my heel and started speed-walking to my car. I really hope that kid explained the story better.