Don’t You Speak Asian? – Part 3

, , , , | | Right | May 18, 2019

(I’m Asian-American but I grew up in the South, so I have a bit of an accent. It tends to throw people off, especially working at a southern chain restaurant.)

Me: “How are y’all doing today?”

Customer: “Stop faking an accent.”

Me: “I was actually raised in Tennessee, sir.”

Customer: “That doesn’t mean you have to fake an accent to fit in.”

Me: *concentrating on not speaking with an accent* “O…kay…”

Don’t You Speak Asian? – Part 2
Don’t You Speak Asian?

Transitioning Into A New Kind Of Friendship

, , , , | | Friendly | May 18, 2019

(I’m sitting in a restaurant, and the only other occupant is a guy in a suit who hasn’t ordered anything. Instead, he’s reading a book. When I’m halfway done with my meal, a girl a few years younger than him with badly-done makeup comes in and nervously makes her way to his booth before speaking in a deep voice.)

Girl: “Um… Hi?”

(He looks up from his book and immediately blinks in shock. Slowly, he closes his book and tosses it to the side.)

Guy: “This isn’t a one-time thing, is it?”

(The girl says something that I can’t hear. After a moment, the guy points at the booth opposite him, and she settles down. I start to get worried because the guy’s face is completely even.)

Guy: “So, uh, are you going all the way with this?”

Girl: “I’m saving up for the surgery, yeah.”

Guy: “Ah.”

(There is a long pause before the girl speaks again.)

Girl: “I wanted to come out to all of you before my family.”

Guy: “Smart.”

(He takes a slow breath, and when he speaks, he sounds almost angry.)

Guy: “This is going to be hard for you. I cannot understand trans.”

Girl: *quietly* “I’m sorry.”

Guy: “I cannot at all. I’ve tried, and I can’t wrap my brain around it.”

(The girl lowers her head, and the guy remains silent for a little bit. I’m afraid that I’m going to have to chase a crying woman out of the restaurant to comfort her when he speaks again.)

Guy: “So. No trans. You’re a girl now.”

(The girl’s head snaps up.)

Girl: “What?”

Guy: “You heard me. I can’t help you with any trans stuff, and I got to ask that unless someone is threatening you, we don’t talk about it. You’re a girl now. I’ll help you with girl stuff, listen to you complain about sexist guys or catty girls, or whatever. Other than that, the only thing different is that you have to put up with me calling you Darlin’.”

Girl: *near tears* “But you said…”

Guy: “Oh, no! My dude buddy is now a dudette buddy! I can handle you being a girl, but I can’t figure out the… in-between stage. You’re my friend, and you’re going to need someone who’ll treat you like the woman you are, not the dude you were that’s becoming a woman. So, you’re a woman now, and that’s final.”

Girl: “Thank you…”

Guy: “Oh, don’t thank me yet! Dear God, woman! That jewelry! Is that costume jewelry? No. No! None of my lady friends wear that unless it’s on stage. No, we’re getting you some real stuff as soon as we have some cheesecake, do you understand me?”

Girl: “You don’t—“

Guy: “Nyet! Nein! Negative! This isn’t up for negotiation! Fight me on this, and I’ll help you with your wardrobe, too!” *calls out to the waitress* “I need two slices of cheesecake, please!”

Girl: “You’re a jerk.”

Guy: “We’ve been friends for how many years now, and you’re just now learning this? Now, I think you’re more of a silver girl than a gold girl…”

(Until the two of them left, I couldn’t help but smile over his antics. By the time I finished my meal, he was already coming up with the best way to inform some of their friends, warning her that just showing up in makeup wasn’t the best way for a few of them, and offering to be there with her for support. While I don’t think that he reacted the best way, the fact that he was so excited about helping her warmed my heart. I only regret not having gotten their bill when I left.)

Unfiltered Story #151054

, , | | Unfiltered | May 18, 2019

(It’s a pretty normal day when a clearly pregnant customer comes up to the counter.  She has already gotten her food, and seems incredibly urgent.)

Woman: “Hey, hi, this is going to be a really weird and stupid request but do you have olive oil?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, that’s totally fine, we have little olive oil packets that we use for salads, but I’m not sure if they’re free–”

Woman: “I’ll pay, it’s fine–”

Me: “Let me just ask my manager….”

(My manager happens to walk out at that exact moment.)

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “Are the olive oil packets free?”

Manager: “Oh, yeah, let me grab you some…”

(My manager walks away to get the olive oil.)

Woman: “Seriously, I’m sorry, I know it’s crazy and weird…”

Me: “You’re totally fine, it’s my job to help you.”

Woman: “Yes, but really, you have no idea!  Savor your youth sweetie, oh my goodness he’s back!”

(My manager returns with three different types of olive oil packets, which the customer gleefully snatches up.)

Woman: “I’ll take all of them, thank you so much, really, you have no idea!”

(She seems satisfied with the rest of her meal and smiles on the way out.  I’ve had customers with pregnancy cravings, but olive oil lady is my funniest.  To olive oil lady, I hope your baby was born healthy!)

Unfiltered Story #151049

, , , | | Unfiltered | May 18, 2019

(I am the customer in this. I was driving my new used car through the drive thru at at my town location of a big chain coffee shop. Apparently the car has a habit of over heating in the summer which the lady who sold it to me neglected to tell me. I have just pulled up to the drive thru window when my car sputters out and dies.)
Me(to cashier): I am so sorry.
Cashier: Not a problem.
(As my friends get out to push I leave my boyfriend to steer and stand at the window to pay. At this point the lady in the car behind me starts honking and swearing at me.)
Lady: Stupid bitch! Move that piece of shit out of the way. Fucking dumb bitch, hurry the hell up!
Me: I’m so sorry ma’am.
Lady: Dumbass that thing shouldn’t even be on the fucking road!
(At this point I am close to tears and start muttering apologies to the cashier. He leans out the window with my drinks.)
Cashier: if she thinks this is bad she should have been here when a guy came through on a pink tricycle! Took us ten minutes just to realize he was on the pad! At least your cute, you can get away with it.
(He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I started cracking up. Later when I looked at the receipt I realized he’d comped me my sandwich. Thank you for making my day better. Faith in humanity restored.)

Unfiltered Story #151044

, , , , | | Unfiltered | May 18, 2019

One lady: “… and he had both legs decapitiated at the knee …”

Other lady (a little later on): ” … Oh, yes. I’m a great believer in faith.”

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