I bring the soup out to a customer and warn them:

Me: “Careful, this is very hot!”

Customer: “Any way it could be hotter? I love hot soup.”

Me: “When I started bringing this out from the kitchen, it was already boiling.”

Customer: “So could you make it hotter than that?”

Me: “If we make it hotter, it won’t be a soup anymore; it’ll be a gas.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

I’m putting down the other diner’s appetizers, and then his eyes go wide:

Customer: “Oh… is that why they call it gas-tronomy?!”

I work in a deep-pan pizza chain restaurant.

Customer: “Can we refund our pizza, or exchange it?”

Me: “What was wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s cold.”

Me: “Okay, bring it up, and we’ll get things sorted.”

He goes to get it and brings back the pan with only the crusts left. The pizza itself is totally gone.

Me: “So, you ate the pizza.”

Customer: “Not all of it.”

Me: “Only the crusts are left.”

Customer: “Yeah, and they’re cold.”

Me: “But the rest of the pizza was eaten.”

Customer: “Yeah, and they were cold too.”

Me: “Well right now I’d say they’re all comfortably body temperature, so refund denied.”

They demanded a manager, who looked at the crust remnants and laughed. He said we couldn’t even reheat the crusts for them as they’d been all over their mouths so not happening…

Customer: “Y’all sell chicken?”

Me: “Sir, the place is called Cluckers.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “The logo has a chicken on it.”

Customer: “You gonna answer me, boy?”

Me: “Yes, we sell chicken. Almost exclusively chicken.”

At first, I thought he was trolling me, but then he went ahead and ordered the shrimp taco, so now I’m sure he was.

My husband and I work together. I’m a server, and he’s a bartender.

We had a packed bar and restaurant tonight. A couple came in already wasted, so we refused to serve them alcohol. They took it in stride, ordered some food, and eventually left.

A little while later, the man came running back inside.

Man: “My girlfriend fell in the water!”

There’s a path connecting the two resorts that runs right beside the water. My husband immediately ran outside and jumped in to save her. Meanwhile, the man vomited on his shoes.

But that’s not all.

Just before this happened, my husband had taken an order for eight mixed drinks from one of my tables. About ten minutes later, while bringing them their appetizers, I explained the delay.

Me: “I’m sorry about the wait. The bartender is currently saving a drunk woman from drowning.”

The customers stood up.

Customer: “We didn’t pay all this money not to get our drinks!”

Me: “Cool. I’ll tell the bartender to stop saving someone’s life so he can make your drinks.”

They left in a huff, encountered my husband on the path, and started yelling at him while he was still soaking wet from pulling the woman out of the water.

One of them even threw a beer bottle at his head.

He caught it in midair.

On the bright side, I found a crab in the storage room and scooped it up. Now our restaurant has a pet land crab!

I’m a first-year apprentice working in a training kitchen linked to a restaurant. Our chef is British. He is NOT Gordon Ramsey, but he carries the exact same energy.

I was rolling a batch of falafel, and the mix was a little dry, so they were falling apart.

Me: “Chef, my falafel are breaking.”

Chef: “Well, write a f****** book about it titled ‘How It All Fell Apart’ or add some more stock and get on with it.”

The whole crew lost their s***, me included.

At the end of the year, I presented him with a book called “A Million Little Falafels: A Novel” as a gift (it was just a hardcover notebook that I added a custom cover to), which he found hilarious.