Couldn’t Dial Up The Right Song

, , , | Working | January 16, 2019

(A former coworker of mine was quite the office flirt. One day, the two of us and a new girl are sitting together at lunch and I decide to be a bit of a smart aleck.)

Coworker: *to new girl* “Hey, do you like dubstep?”

Me: “I don’t know why you like that stuff. If I wanted to listen to a dial-up modem, I’d go back to the 90s.”

Coworker: “You know what, [My Name]?! Dubstep does not sound like a dial-up modem!” *to the new girl* “Let me show you.”

(He opens up a music app on his phone and selects a dubstep station. In a beautiful coincidence, it randomly selects a song that starts with the actual sound of a dial-up modem. The new girl and I can’t contain our laughter while our coworker turns red.)

Coworker: “G**D*** IT!”

South Of The Border

, , , , , | Working | January 15, 2019

(My best friend lives in Southeast Asia, and we try to meet up whenever possible. This year it’s my turn to fly to her. I have to fly to LAX airport in California, spend one night, then board a new flight the next morning. One thing I always like to do is bring her some of her favorite snacks that she can’t buy where she lives, so my carry-on backpack is stuffed with snacks that I’ve confirmed are allowed on the flight — no liquids, etc. One of these snacks is a particular brand of pork rinds that are made by a local company we’d always buy in college. Recently they came out with a new flavor — sea salt and vinegar — which I know she’ll love, so I bought her the biggest bag I could find. As I am going through security at LAX, my backpack gets pulled for a more thorough inspection. I have plenty of time to get to my flight, so I’m not worried. The TSA agent opens my bag and his eyes bug out at the amount of food I have Tetris-packed in there. It turns out, they need to check the seal on the can of mixed nuts I’ve packed and test the outside of it. I guess sealed cans like that are a good place for illegal items? Anyway, the TSA agent is putting the snacks back in my bag when he spots the pork rinds.)

TSA Agent: “What are these?”

Me: *thinking: “It says right there on the label.”* “Salt and vinegar pork rinds.”

TSA Agent: “What?”

Me: “They’re pork rinds, but salt and vinegar flavor. I’m taking them for a friend to try.”

TSA Agent: “Yeah, I’ve had pork rinds. I’ve just never seen anything like that.” *looks at me like I’ve committed some act of witchcraft*

Me: *out of explanations, I shrug* “I’m from the South?”

TSA Agent: “Oh! Well, that makes sense.”

(He seemed happy with my answer, put the pork rinds back in my bag, and handed it to me. The rest of the trip went smoothly, and my friend was delighted with her snack haul.)

Saved On Your Car Insurance AND Got Some Muffins!

, , , | Working | January 15, 2019

(I have just finished a closing shift at ten and my mom comes to pick me up. A coffee shop nearby doesn’t close until 10:30, so we pull through to get drinks. I am starving since I haven’t had dinner yet. I know they may not have any food since it is so late at night, but I ask anyway. The following takes place over the intercom.)

Mom: “Hey, I know it’s late, but do you guys have any muffins or anything still for sale?”

Cashier: “Well, I have some good news for you.”

Mom & Me: *excited* “Really?”

Cashier: “Yeah. I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”

(My mom and I laugh out loud.)

Cashier: “But in all seriousness, we do have some muffins left.”

Mom: “Thanks so much for making our night.”

Working Up The Career Ladder Means Forcing Others Up And Down One

, , , , , | Working | January 15, 2019

(I work in a large retail chain. In the back room, we have large racks of steel varying from about ten to twelve feet tall. As such, the top shelves are reserved for bulk items shrink-wrapped on pallets; we don’t need what’s on the pallets as often, and when we do, we can get it down with a machine.)

Assistant Manager: “Hey, uh…. [Coworker]?”

Coworker: “Yeah?”

Assistant Manager: “I’m so sorry… but [Store Manager] has a new rule about merchandise on the top shelves back here.”

Coworker: “What is it?”

Assistant Manager: “I’m so sorry. I’ve been fighting him on this for weeks, but he’s absolutely put his foot down. We don’t have a choice.”

Coworker: “You’re kind of scaring me here; just tell me.”

Assistant Manager: *long sigh* “All the pallets have to be taken down, and either put on the shelves on the sales floor or have displays made out of them… And then the top shelf has to have loose merchandise, same as the other shelves.”

(My coworker is stunned by the sheer idiocy of this.)

Coworker: “[Assistant Manager], no way! I’ll have to spend almost my whole shift going up and down a ladder putting things up there, if my legs don’t give out before I’m done! Also, do you have any idea how much that’s going to slow us down for every shift after? What if the system says I need an item that’s at the bottom of a pile on the top shelf? I’ll either have to take someone else’s time up handing items back and forth to them, or I’ll have to go up and down the ladder for one item each time until I can get to the one I actually need, and then go up and down the ladder again just to put back what I had to take down! I can’t tell if [Store Manager] is really this dumb or just actively sabotaging us at this point!”

Assistant Manager: “I know, I know! There’s nothing I can do; he won’t take no for an answer anymore. It needs to be done tonight. We have to deal with it!”

(At the end of the night, I check in with my coworker, where she tells me about the decision made and the conversation she had with the assistant manager.)

Me: “Oh, my gosh, that’s awful! I mean, I can’t say I expect much else from [Store Manager], but still. Are you okay?”

Coworker: “Well, I’m angry, my legs feel like jelly, and I’m not at all looking forward to next shift, but I’m just glad at least tonight’s over.”

(The morning shift workers start coming in and my coworker begins informing them about the absurd decision. The assistant manager pops around the corner.)

Assistant Manager: “[Coworker]! DEAL! WITH IT!” *walks off*

Beerly Survived That One

, , , , | Working | January 15, 2019

(I’m at a festival, buying items from a merchant.)

Me: “Do you take cards?”

Merchant: *takes my card* “I take them, but I don’t give them back. Have a nice day.” *turns and steps into his tent, then returns a moment later with a sigh* “You’re going to want this back, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t had any food yet.”

Merchant: *starts processing payment* “Food? Who needs food? Food’s overrated!”

Me: “I haven’t had any beer yet, either.”

Merchant: “Fair enough. I’ll have mercy on you. Food, you can live without, but beer is a necessity.”

(I took my purchase and my card, and went to get some food and beer.)

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