No A.I. For The CC

, , , , | Working | August 22, 2017

(I keep receiving advertisements from a well-known credit card company wanting me to sign up for their credit card. Due to past customer service issues I have learned that being able to stand in someone’s face gets positive results faster. This takes place through email. I will refer to the credit card company as ‘CC.’ )

Me: “Good day, [CC]. I have looked over your advertisement and am wondering, do you have a physical presence in [My Town].”

CC: “For any customer service concerns we have an easy to reach toll free number, [number].”

Me: “Thank you. The toll free number may come in handy some day, but I prefer to be able to walk in to a brick-and-mortar location to talk to someone in person if there is an issue that cannot be resolved over the phone. Do you have a physical location in [My Town]?”

CC: “Any customer service issues you may have with [CC] can easily be resolved by calling the customer service toll free number, [number].”

Me: “This is the third time I have sent your company CC an email asking a question and it has not been answered. I’m not sure if my emails are being read by a real person or a word filter so to determine that I am going to ask two questions. I want an answer to the first question before you answer the second question. Here we go:

Question #1: How do you like your steak cooked? I’ll leave space for you to answer.

Question #2: Do you have a physical presence in [My Town]?”

(I did not receive a response to this email. I found out some years later that I had given CC a Turing Test, and it looks like they failed. )

Setting Security Straight

, , , , | Working | August 22, 2017

(This happened to an old colleague of mine back when coming out as gay was still a huge deal. He came out to pretty much the entire company at once. Shortly afterwards he gets called into a meeting with security. He isn’t sure what to expect and is apprehensive.)

Security: “So, you’re gay?”

Colleague: “Yes.”

Security: “Who knows about this?”

Colleague: “Well, just about everyone.”

Security: “So, you don’t mind people knowing? It’s not a secret?”

Colleague: “No, everyone can know.”

Security: “Oh! Well, there’s no security issue, then.”

A Hot Slice Of Victory

, , | Working | August 22, 2017

(Telemarketers keep calling and asking for my sister, whose name is similar to Michael and not foreign. On the third call I decide to mess with the telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, is this Michael?”

Me: “Yeah, Michael’s here. I’m his manager, here at GM Pizza. While you’re waiting for him, let me tell you about our special. We can do home delivery and you’ll get a free can of whoop-a—”

Telemarketer: *click*

They’re Really Big Down Under

, , , , | Working | August 22, 2017

(There are two women I’ve never met who work in cubicles across the aisle from me. They sit at their desks and call to one another through the partitions constantly, which results not only in me knowing far more about their personal lives than I ever cared to, but also some unintended hilarity like this.)

Coworker #1: “Oh, oh, have you tried them yet?”

Coworker #2: “Yes! Well, I tried one.”

Coworker #1: “I really like the long ones. I didn’t like the big ones as much. Where are they from?”

Coworker #2: “Australia? Or New Zealand? Something like that. I haven’t tried the big one yet.”

(No, I don’t know what they were talking about, but probably not what it sounded like!)

HR Is Sexier Than You Think

, , , , , | Working | August 22, 2017

(This happens to my husband. One of his male coworkers, Coworker #1, in the warehouse where he works, has a birthday that week so there is a card going around for everyone to sign. Since he is good friends with Coworker #1, he jokingly writes ‘happy birthday, you sexy bitch’ in the card and then passes it along. About 20 minutes later, he is talking to a different coworker.)

Coworker #2: “Hey, did you sign the card for [Older Female Employee in HR]?”

(She is way on the other side of the casino and they have never given a card to her before, so he didn’t know it is her birthday.)

Husband: “No, but I signed [Coworker #1]’s.”

Coworker #2: “We don’t have one for him yet, though. Only [HR Employee].”

Husband: “…Oh, my god.”

(He runs to his manager.)

Husband: “DO YOU STILL HAVE THE CARD FOR [HR employee]?!”

Manager: “Yeah, why?”

Husband: “BECAUSE I WROTE ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU SEXY B****’ IN IT!”

Manager: “What?! Why?!”

Husband: *taking the card and furiously scribbling out the inappropriate message* “BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR [COWORKER #1]!”

Manager: *laughing* “You’re lucky I hadn’t sent it over yet.”

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