Happy To See You

, , , , | Working | February 22, 2019

(I go into a post office to mail a package. When the teller calls me over, I greet him with a big smile.)

Me: “Good morning!”

Teller: “Stop that. This is a government building. Stop being so happy.”

(If I thought he was serious, I would have been horrified, but something about his manner suggests that he is putting on the “cranky old man” role.)

Me: *brightly* “Okay!”

Teller: “Not good enough!”

(Ever since then, I have made it a point to be as sunny and cheerful as possible when I go to that post office. The next time I go in…)

Me: *brightly* “Hi, there!”

Teller: *sullenly* “Oh, it’s you. Are you ever not happy?”

(He said it darkly, but I could detect a hint of a smile. The next time I went to the post office, he wasn’t in, so I told the teller to tell him that “that annoyingly cheerful girl says hi.”)

Of Coffee Slips And Well-Timed Quips

, , , , , , , | Working | February 21, 2019

I work as a producer for a video game publishing company. Recently I met up with a former employer for lunch. I left the company on good terms, and he essentially got me started on my career, so even though I don’t work for him anymore I still consider him a mentor and am eager to show him how well I’ve done and how far I’ve come. With me is another colleague, and a young intern we have working with us.

Lunch itself goes great. I’m happy to see him and catch up, and my coworker says great things about me to him. Towards the end, he’s chatting with our intern, encouraging him in general but also saying, “Don’t worry. Just stick to [My Name] and learn from her and you’ll be just fine.”

Even though it’s obviously just kind flattery, I beam at him, go to set down my mostly-full coffee cup… and miss the edge of the table entirely so it drops to the floor and shatters, spraying coffee everywhere. There’s a moment of horrified silence, and then the intern looks at my former boss and deadpans, “Don’t worry. I’ll do as she says, not as she does.”

At least I know our intern is quick with a quip, and that I can always rely on the universe to put me in my place with perfect timing if I ever get too big a head.


That Girl Is Trouble… For The Customers

, , , , , | Working | February 21, 2019

(I work at a kiosk inside of a mall. This particular kiosk is even smaller than many other types of kiosks, so it’s exceedingly rare for there to be two or more employees at the same time. I have just handled a customer complaint, and after my attempt to remedy the situation, I get a call from my boss.)

Boss: “Hey, just calling to check how things are going.”

Me: “Yeah, I encountered a little problem not too long ago. Who was working last Saturday?”

Boss: “I was.”

Me: “Sorry to ask, but are you 100% sure? You didn’t hire anyone new or anything?”

Boss: “No, why?”

Me: “Well, a customer just complained about something that happened last Saturday. I’m having a hard time believing it was you because it’s not likely you would’ve made this kind of mistake, and the customer was complaining about a female employee. I thought we were all dudes here.”

Boss: “Did you say a female employee? Oh, g**d*** it. Not again!”

(It turns out his girlfriend visits him at the kiosk to hang out, and when he steps away to go to the bathroom or grab lunch from the food court, she approaches every passing mall patron very aggressively. Of the few sales she manages to obtain, she doesn’t explain the products or the kiosk’s policies adequately, causing frustration to the customer down the line. My boss still isn’t sure why she does this, because she isn’t getting paid for this work, and he has asked her, multiple times, to stop.)

Applicants Who Don’t Apply Themselves

, , , , , | Working | February 21, 2019

(My employee gets a contract for a project that needs about a dozen people. Since the physical office is very small, we decide to hire people who could work from home after receiving a short training session. We put up a job ad stating that is remote, full-time work, and I am told to screen the applicants through phone interviews.)

Applicant #1: “I don’t have a computer, so I’ll have to come to your office to work.”

Me: “We don’t have anywhere to put you. That is why we are only hiring for stay-at-home positions.”

Applicant #1: “But I don’t own a computer, so I’ll just come into the office.”


Applicant #2: “I can’t do full-time, so I’ll be working twenty hours and my girlfriend will do the other twenty.”


Applicant #3: “I’ve applied to your company before and I didn’t like the guy who interviewed me.”

Me: “He is not part of this project.”

Applicant #3: *rants about how much he hated my coworker*


Applicant #4: “I don’t have a computer, so is it okay if I go to my buddy’s house and use his?”

Me: “That is fine with me, but are you sure your friend doesn’t mind you being in his house all day?”

Applicant #4: “I’ll ask him and call you back.”

(He didn’t call back.)

A Hundred Percent Should Have Said That

, , , , , | Working | February 20, 2019

(The bank calls the store as my manager is getting ready to open for the day.)

Manager: “[Store], how can I help you?”

Banker: “Good morning. This is [Banker] from [Bank]. I’m calling to let you know that your deposit from last night is one hundred dollars short.”

Manager: *shocked* “A hundred?! There’s no way I would have missed that much of a difference!”

Banker: “I’m afraid so, ma’am. The deposit is one hundred dollars short of the number on the envelope.”

Manager: “But how could that even happen?”

Banker: “Well, ma’am, the hundred-dollar bill from your deposit is, unfortunately, a fake.”

Manager: *pause* “You could have just told me that.”

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