I Shall Diminish, And Go To The East(er)

, , , , , | Working | April 21, 2019

(It is the Saturday before Easter. I work in a flooring store at the front desk reception. After a busy day, we are closing the showroom and the president of the company is leaving. As he is walking out the door, he is waving goodbye.)

Me: “Bye! Have a happy Easter!”

Boss: *smiles and laughs while he waves out the door*

(I was a little puzzled by his reaction, but then I remembered… my boss is Jewish. I had just wished my JEWISH boss a HAPPY EASTER! I laid my head on my desk, utterly mortified by what I had just done.)

Perm-anently Avoiding That Place

, , , , , | Working | April 20, 2019

(My boyfriend has very curly, brown, shoulder-length hair, and I have black, straight hair a couple of inches longer.)

Me: *pointing to boyfriend* “I’d like a perm with curls just like those.”

Hair Stylist: *glares at me like I have two heads* “No can do.”

Me: “Er… no?”

Hair Stylist: “You want hair just like his?”

Me: “The curls, yeah. Is it possible to perm my hair that way? His are natural.”

Hair Stylist: “If you want his curls, he’s got to cut his hair.”

Boyfriend: “Are you saying match my length, too? No, I don’t want a cut.”

Hair Stylist: “If she curls, her hair will be much shorter than yours! She just can’t have curly hair your length if you won’t cut yours!”

Me: “I meant only like his in the size of the curls.”

Hair Stylist: “Look… If you curl your hair, it will be much shorter than his!”

Me: “I know!”

Hair Stylist: *to boyfriend* “Are you getting that cut?”

Boyfriend: “No, I’m not.”

Hair Stylist: “Then she can’t have your curls.”

Boyfriend: “Forget the length already. She would like curls that match these.”

Hair Stylist: “I’ve already said, she can’t have your curls if you aren’t getting a cut yourself.”

Me: “I know my hair will be shorter! The whole point is to have curls that look like that.”

(Even a second hair stylist repeated the first one. Nothing was ever said about matching color. We left and went somewhere else where they gave me my shorter, curly perm with no problem.)

You Can Tell From My Face That I’m Not Interested

, , , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Our mall is full of kiosks with people trying to sell random makeup brands, cell phone accessories, etc. I don’t begrudge anyone doing their job, and I understand a lot of them are under pressure to make sales. However, some of them REALLY need to work on their pitch. One day, I’m walking past a kiosk where a woman is trying to sell expensive skin cream.)

Saleswoman: “Here you go, ma’am! Sit down right here.” *pointing to her chair arranged in front of her mirrors*

Me: *smiling and shaking my head* “No, thanks. I’m not interested.”

Saleswoman: *pulls a concerned, comically disgusted face and speaks in a tone of voice as if I were on my deathbed* “Oh, ma’am, I have to ask… What do you use for your facial cream?”

(Maybe I should have been offended or something, which is what my husband told me, but it was just SUCH an incredibly bad attempt to, I don’t know, neg me into a sale or whatever that I just burst into disbelieving laughter at her and kept walking. She turned bright red and glared at me. Hey, maybe I COULD use a fancy skincare regimen, but with a sales pitch like that, there was no way I was going to buy it from her.)

Doesn’t Register Their Lack Of Professionalism

, , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Usually, my wife and I go shopping together. She’s been picking up extra shifts so I decide to shop at the grocery store where she works. Usually, I don’t shop there, because they’re a bit more expensive than other places, certain members of staff are very rude, and the employee discount system isn’t worth the hassle. I complete the shopping just fine and get into the ONLY AVAILABLE LINE for the registers. My wife is cashiering. When I get to the front of the line, her coworker suddenly runs over, grabs my wife by the shoulders, and forces her away from the register. My wife, who has complained bitterly about this coworker’s behavior every time they have a shift together, leaves to report this new behavior to the manager. The coworker starts running the barcodes for my groceries.)

Coworker: *hurriedly and in a hushed tone* “It’s against company policy for employees to check out their family members.”

Me: *acting casual but pretty annoyed with how she manhandled my wife* “Oh, we didn’t know that. [Wife] only recently got training for the registers; I think it just hasn’t come up yet.”

Coworker: *slightly louder and exasperated* “It’s because people try to steal that way.”

Me: “Well, if I wanted to steal, which I absolutely do not want to do, I’d just have walked out of the doors while no one is looking. Why walk up to a register to steal?” *forced laugh* “Last I checked, approaching a register with a wallet out means I intend to pay.”

Coworker: *suddenly louder and now getting shrill, louder with each sentence* “[Wife] is going to get fired! And it’s all your fault for trying to steal from [GroceryStore]! You should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

(Customers behind me are staring, and I’m on the verge of a panic attack because of the attention and fear of my wife losing her job. Her job is the only way we’ve been paying the bills lately.)

Me: “I wasn’t trying to steal anything! I just wanted to pick up some things and didn’t want to drive across town to do so.”

Coworker: *accusatory and loud* “Then why did you go to [Wife]’s register?!”

Me: “Because it was the only one open!”

(In my frustration, I forgot to pay with the employee discount and forgot to use our gift card, too. I basically ran out of the store. As soon as I got home, I called the manager and explained to him that it was an accident, that I didn’t steal anything, that I don’t appreciate being treated like a criminal for trying to pay for my groceries, and that [Coworker] is why I don’t usually shop there because she’s creepy and rude. I found out a few days later that [Coworker] got written up for it. It’s her second customer complaint in three days. My wife and I have no idea how [Coworker] keeps her job, since she’s specifically starting fights with other employees all the time and treats customers like garbage.)

That’s All Phone Books Are Good For Now

, , , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Before he retires, my dad is a fitter machinist and loves to play practical jokes.)

Dad: “Hey, [Colleague], I took up a collection for you.”

Colleague: “What for?”

Dad: “Phone books.”

(Dad gets a big stack of phone books he’s borrowed from all the offices and sets it down in front of her.)

Colleague: “But what for?”

Dad: “Well, I heard you got a new car.”

Colleague: “Um, yeah?”

Dad: “Well, if you sit on these, you can see over the steering wheel.”

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