Maybe Get A Transfer To CERN?

, , , , , | Working | August 19, 2018

(I’m in the stockroom with my coworker, opening boxes. It’s not going as quickly as I hoped it would, with only two of us working most of the day. It’s also been raining all day, and he only has maybe 30 minutes left of his shift, whereas I still have over an hour.)

Me: “Are we done yet?”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Ugh, I’m not going to be able to finish these by myself.”

Coworker: “Nah, you can do it.”

Me: “Not unless I get struck by lightning and become The Flash. I’d finish in, like, 30 seconds.”

Coworker: “Well, there are a bunch of metal rods over there. You could go stand outside for a while.”

Me: *makes a face* “I forgot; there was also a particle accelerator explosion. I can’t be Flash.”

(No matter how many times I’ve wished I were The Flash, it just doesn’t seem possible — let alone safe. Sigh.)

Not A Good Tempura-ture

, , , , , , , | Working | August 18, 2018

I ordered some food from a popular food delivery service. They gave me an ETA of 1:21 pm. By 1:45 pm I hadn’t received anything, so I messaged the company via the app requesting an update. They told me the driver had left and my food should arrive any minute. Still nothing at 2:00 pm, but the delivery service called me to check in. The rep said the restaurant was saying the driver delivered my food at 12:47 pm.

I told them no, that I’d been home and no one had knocked or rung the doorbell. The rep was adamant that my food had been delivered, so I checked my front porch. Sure enough, the driver had left my raw fish on my front porch in 80-degree weather!

Apparently, the driver swore he handed my food over to an actual person, but seeing as how I was home alone, that does not check out.

The restaurant demanded I return the food in order to get a refund. They clearly didn’t believe me, so I hope they saw how soggy my tempura was and how questionable the shrimp had become!

Not The Big No-No-No You Thought It Was

, , , , , | Working | August 17, 2018

(I’m from a non-English speaking country and I’m doing a post-grad at a botanical institution. Two colleagues from my country have been here for six months and they show me the basics of living in Cambridge.)

Colleague: “So, if you finish working late you can either get food at the petrol station or at a deli in this road… but for the main shopping, there’s a supermarket down this road. When you go to the cashier, she’ll ask you three questions. I don’t know what she means, but it’s easier if you always say, ‘No, no, and no.’”

(I did my main shopping on the first weekend and I found out that the dreaded three questions were, “Do you have a reward card?” “Would you like a bag?” and, “Would you like any cashback?” Also, they were always pronounced in the same way, and very clearly by all cashiers, so I don’t know how my colleague couldn’t figure out what they said. When I explained it to him, however, he was very happy to get cashback at the supermarket instead of walking all the way to the ATM!)

I’m Glutenarian

, , , , , , | Working | August 17, 2018

(As someone with Celiac disease, I always have to mention my gluten allergy at restaurants. Most places have excellent training when it comes to allergens. I’m in an ice cream shop.)

Me: “Can I get a small cone? I also need it gluten-free for an allergy.”

Employee: “Sure, no problem. Would you like a waffle cone with that?”

Me: “No… I have a gluten allergy.”

Employee: “Oh, well, I don’t know the community.”

You’ve Crumbled Your Own Cookie

, , , , , | Working | August 17, 2018

(I’ve just started in an office where everyone puts in $2 a week to cover tea and coffee supplies, and whatever is left at the end of the year goes towards a Christmas party. Since I don’t drink tea or coffee, but occasionally a certain brand of hot chocolate, I buy the hot chocolate sachets and just use the milk and sugar while paying my $2 even though I sometimes don’t even use them. As the sachets are expensive, I keep them in my drawer in my desk. The lady who organizes the supplies doesn’t notice this until this happens. A coworker is pregnant and can’t handle tea or coffee.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], I have [Brand #1] honeycomb hot chocolate and little marshmallows. I even have [Brand #2] chocolate chip cookies. Want some?”

Pregnant Coworker: *eyes light up* “Oh, yes, please! [Brand #1] hot chocolate and [Brand #2] cookies are amazing, but so expensive. You sure?”

Me: “Not a problem. How many sugars?”

(After getting her order, I take just enough of my supplies with me to make two cups. The coworker who organizes the supplies see me.)

Coffee Coworker: “Ooh, hot chocolate.”

(She grabs a sachet, opens it, and dumps it into her cup. I’m shocked, as she clearly knows that I’ve bought these myself, and doesn’t even ask or say thank you.)

Me: “Just for next time, I buy these as I don’t like tea or coffee. They’re not for everyone.”

Coffee Coworker: “But all tea and coffee supplies are for everyone, as long as you pay your money.”

Me: “I get that, but a box of these is [price roughly the same for ten sachets as a jar of cheap instant coffee she buys]. I buy them for myself. I’m only making two now because [Pregnant Coworker] wants one. I can’t afford to supply the whole office.”

Coffee Coworker: “Fine. God, it won’t happen again.”

(She spots my cookies and grabs a huge handful, even though she doesn’t supply biscuits, leaving just two cookies, and goes back to her desk. I make another cup for myself, and from then on I only take exactly what I need to make a cup for myself. One day the coffee coworker comes and stands near my desk, talking to my pregnant coworker.)

Coffee Coworker: “God, it’s so cold. I’d really love a hot chocolate right about now.”

(Seeing as she doesn’t get any reaction from me, she says even louder:)

Coffee Coworker: “Mmm… A nice hot chocolate with some chocolate chip cookies would be really good right now.”

(I keep ignoring her, but my now heavily-pregnant coworker has had enough.)

Pregnant Coworker: “If you hadn’t been such a b**** and just taken it before, maybe you could have had one.”

(The coffee coworker went bright red and walked back to her desk in a huff.)

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