After college, I lived in the same town for a while. I was only two hours away from my hometown, so I frequently made trips back and forth. On one trip back, I was stopped by Highway Patrol half a mile from my exit, and here is that exchange.

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over, BOY?”

Me: “I’m not sure, man. Why?”

I swear I recognize this guy.

Officer: “License and registration, BOY!”

Me: *Complies.*

Officer: “You get in trouble a lot, BOY? I know I’ve seen you before, BOY!”

I finally see the nameplate, and it clicks.

Me: “Why did you pull me over, Scott?”

Officer: “How do you know me, BOY?”

Me: “[High school], Panthers, Class of ’99? We graduated together, dude. That’s why I look familiar.”

Officer: *Awkward stare-down.* “…I’ll be back in a minute, BOY!”

He wrote me a ticket for my expired tags, which I deserved, and it was worth it to have him stop shouting BOY at me and let me get home finally.

I’m a policeman. My colleague is getting a call from our dispatcher. After:

Colleague: “Drive us to [Address] in [Village] for… uh… [uses the code for a stolen vehicle]. It just happened.”

Me: “If it just happened, why do you not sound very concerned?

Colleague: “The vehicle stolen was a lawnmower.”

Me: “Okay?”

Colleague: “Dispatch is still on the phone with the caller. He’s… uh… in pursuit of the thief. On foot.”

Me: “Oh.”

We drove for five minutes to see an old man driving down the street on a sit-down lawnmower, looking angry. Behind him was another old man, on the phone to 999 (our 911), walking ‘in pursuit’ of the guy who had stolen his lawnmower.

What added to the comedy of this ‘high-speed pursuit’ was that the old man who called in the theft was also walking his slow old dog.

Turned out the old geezer on the lawnmower was a village neighbor who wanted to borrow the lawnmower and wouldn’t take no for an answer, so it was resolved quickly, but that image of the ‘road chase’ will forever be in my mind.

As a paralegal at a large firm, our office gets a fair number of scam calls. I’ve learned to recognize them and can end them briskly. One day the phone rings, and when I pick up, I get the first warning. After I speak, there’s a pause and a “bloop” sound as the call is routed.

Caller: “Yes, hello, I need to speak with [Senior Attorney].”

Red Flag #2: He used their first name like they’re friends.

Me: “I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting. May I take a message?”

Caller: “No, I need to talk to them. When is a good time for me to call back?”

Red Flag #3: No message, just a demand for their time.

Me: “May I ask who you are and what matter you’re calling in reference to?”

Caller: “My name is Bob, and I’m calling about your financial assets.”

Yeah, definitely a scammer. Time to shut him down.

Me: “We work with several companies regarding our financial assets, Bob, which one are you calling from?”

Caller: “Um…”

Me: “Can’t answer that, can you? Please don’t call here again.”

I hang up. To my surprise, the same number immediately calls back.

Me: “Good morning, [Law Firm].”

Caller: “Is this how you speak to a legitimate business?”

Me: “It’s not, Bob, but I don’t think you’re legitimate at all.” *Hangs up again.*

He calls right back!

Me: “Good morning, [Law Firm].”

Caller: “I will have you fired! Your boss will want to speak to me!”

Me: “My employer doesn’t usually speak to people with no last name who won’t admit where they’re calling from. Good-bye.”

I hang up again and immediately send a message to the work channel advising not to pick up a call from [number] as it’s a persistent scammer. The call is sent to voicemail. Amazingly, Bob did not leave a message for my boss demanding that I be fired, and our firm’s financial assets are just fine.

Years ago, when I was at university in Sweden, I also worked extra at the police station, handling non-emergency calls (this job was relevant to my education). It was mostly people who wanted to report a crime after the fact, think: “My wallet was stolen at the bus stop yesterday” or “This guy at the pub punched me in the face last night so I want to report him” (some people just shake things off and decide to deal with it in the morning, you know…).

It was truly a job where you talked to all kinds of people, because people call the police for all kinds of things (one time, my colleague received a call from a guy who was very polite but just wanted to ask the police if it was normal that his garden had an unusually large number of spiders this spring… ).

Anyway.

Sometimes people call in to inform about something that hasn’t happened to them personally, but maybe something they’ve seen (either confirmed crimes, or suspicions which can be written up as tips for the local police to possibly investigate).

The way most calls go is the caller starts with a summary of the reason for their call (like the examples above), and I then ask them to explain in detail the whole story from start to finish. It’s much easier to hear their story, in their words, from start to finish and then ask follow-up questions, rather than start blind with detailed questions. This was the standard routine.

Me: “This is the police, you’re speaking to [My Name], how can I help?”

Caller: “I want to report that I’ve seen a crime!”

Me: “Certainly. Tell me what you’ve seen and where, start from the beginning.”

Caller: “There was a break-in at the cemetery.”

This gives me pause because the cemetery is (in all cases I can think of) a public, open place, and you can’t technically BREAK IN to the cemetery. But as usual, I just think that I will ask them to explain in detail what happened, and this will make me understand what they mean.

Me: “I see. Well, I will certainly help you. Would you please explain to me what you’ve seen?”

Caller: “As I said, there was a break-in at the cemetery.”

Me: “Okay, which cemetery are we talking about, and can you explain how you know this? What have you observed? Tell me the story.”

Caller: *Gives me the address, and I look it up while they continue talking.* “And well, I can see there has been a break in.”

Me: “Just start the story from the beginning. Tell me what you’ve seen.”

Caller: *Increasingly frustrated.* “I’ve TOLD you, there was a break-in at the cemetery.”

Me: “Right, I understand.” *A lie.* “But just to make sure I get the correct details down, can you just explain to me what you’ve observed in detail to ensure we’re able to investigate. You were maybe… walking past, and… saw damage?”

Caller: “Yes, I’ve walked past, and I can see there has been a break-in!”

Me: “Right… Do you mean some kind of building, maybe the church itself?”

Caller: “NO, there was a BREAK IN at the CEMETERY!”

Me: “…are we talking about a grave? Some kind of … crypt, that was broken into?

Caller: “NO! THERE WAS BREAK IN AT THE CEMETERY. WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN?!

Me: “Where have you seen damage?

Caller: “ON THE CAR DOORS!

Me: *Pause.* “…On the …car doors?”

Caller: “YES, OH MY GOD, WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THERE ARE DAMAGES ON THE CARS! SOMEONE BROKE INTO THEM!”

Me: “OOOOH, I see, you’ve seen cars that are parked in the cemetery parking lot, and it looks like they were broken into?”

Caller: “YES FINALLY JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE SO INCOMPETENT I WILL HANG UP AND CALL AGAIN AND GET HELP FROM SOMEONE ELSE!” *Click.*

I work for a fiber company. I’m talking to a coworker who is laughing about a recent trip to check on some cable.

Coworker: “So, we caught some dumb-a**es trying to steal our cables.”

Me: “Huh? But why?”

Coworker: “They wanted it for the copper. They didn’t know I was from the fiber company, so they just up and confessed what they were doing like some kind of pride thing. They thought I was just a passing tradesman and that I’d appreciate their efforts to “stick it to the man” or something…”

Me: “Did you tell them that our cables are made with glass?”

Coworker: “I pointed out the ‘fiber wire, no copper’ message that was sprayed on it, but they said, “That sounds like something that would be on a copper wire to trick us. Better steal this one!” So, I just stood around chatting with them as they tried to steal our cables while the cops were on their way.”

Related:
Call The Cop-pers!