Notary-ious Behavior

, , , , | Legal | August 14, 2018

Customer: “I’ve been driving around all day trying to find a notary; you’d better have one on staff here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we do not at this time; however, there is–”

Customer: *instantly starts yelling before I can finish* “BUT I CALLED AND YOU SAID YOU HAD ONE!”

Me: “I can assure you I did no such thing, nor did my coworker, and I’m going to have to ask you not to yell.”

Customer: “YOU LITTLE S***! I LEFT A MESSAGE AND NO ONE CALLED ME BACK; YOU WILL GET YOUR NOTARY NOW!”

Me: “A moment ago you said you talked to someone on the phone, and now you’re saying you left a message; if you are going to try to bully me into a service that we don’t offer then at least get your lies straight. Also, if you can’t be civil I’m going to have to kick you out.”

Customer: “YOU A**HOLE! FIND ME A NOTARY!”

Me: “I know exactly where a notary is, but I wasn’t bluffing; get out.”

(The customer picks up the mug on the counter we keep pens in and throws it at me, still yelling about needing a notary. I dodge the mug, and walk calmly around the counter, getting right in her face and and speaking more calmly than I thought I could pull off.)

Me: “Ma’am, what you did there is considered assault. There are two cameras watching us right now; if you don’t leave I’m calling the police.”

Customer: *shrinking back under the death glare I am giving* “I… Um… Can you tell me where that notary was located?”

Me: “I would have if you hadn’t assaulted me, put a hole in my wall, and broke my mug. If your next words aren’t, ‘Have a nice day,’ the police will be shown this footage.”

Customer: “I… you… I just… Have a nice day.”

(She left and was never seen in our store again.)

They Will Be Tried As Adults

, , , | Legal | August 13, 2018

A friend owned two adult shops in the same town. One was in a high-end section of town and was set up as a boutique geared towards couples. The other wasn’t in the best part of town and was more of a smut shop. Depending on demand, he would move stock between the stores.

One day, he decided to move some stock from the high-end to the low-end shop. When he got out of his car when he arrived, a bunch of guys stepped out of the shadows, shoved him down, grabbed his bag, and ran away.

The cops later caught up with the guys who apparently thought they were stealing a laptop, but instead found themselves with a large bag full of adult toys!

Valet Away

, , , , , | Legal | August 12, 2018

(I arrive at work to find the assistant store manager looking frazzled.)

Manager: “You just missed the police.”

Me: “Why were the police here?”

Manager: “I had a customer call for a manager. He was very upset that an employee wouldn’t call the valet to return his car.”

Me: “We don’t have a valet…”

Manager: “Yup. He refused to believe that because he had given his keys to the valet and they drove away when he got here.”

Me: “Oh… oh, no.”

Manager: “Yeah, hence… police.”

Un-Beer-lievable Behavior

, , , | Legal | August 11, 2018

(I work as a server at a sports grill which serves alcohol along with grill items like wings. This exchange happens with one of our elderly regulars who has been served his second beer just a few minutes earlier.)

Me: *noticing the now two empty pint glasses* “Wow, did you just shoot your beer?”

Gent: “No, I just poured it in here.” *gestures to a big steel thermos*

Me: *beat* “You can’t tell me these things, [Gent].”

(I told my manager, who offered to dump his beer out if he didn’t keep it in the glass. He conceded and she watched him and his now clean thermos like a hawk until he left.)

Lawyers Were Never Real People

, , , , , | Legal | August 10, 2018

(I work for a government department that deals mainly with legal professionals, but we do occasionally get calls from members of the general public.)

Colleague: *on phone* “It’s a bit complicated. Are you a lawyer or a real person?”

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