The Alarm Has Been Terminated

, , , , , | Legal | March 25, 2019

(A call about a burglar alarm going off at three am comes over the radio for my partner and me to respond to. We coordinate our approach and arrival together and check the outside of the house. We notice the back door is cracked open, but both locks have been set and are still in the “locked” position. There is no sign of force, so we radio in that we are making entry. We work each room together, and as we come to one of the back bedrooms, my partner is going in first and hasn’t even broken the threshold when we hear a voice shout out.)

Voice: “GET YOUR HANDS UP!”

(The next thing I know, my partner fires off three rounds, with me dropping to a knee and coming around the side of him)

Partner: “GET DOWN! GET DOWN! Ge– Oh, s***.”

(That’s when I noticed he had just shot a stand-up cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator holding a shotgun and, after my ears stopped ringing completely, I heard a lot of squawking and crashing. Turns out it was the home of a retired police officer from another state and his parrot was taught to say police terms. He and the wife were on vacation and they hadn’t shut the back door completely, which set off the alarm that night. The house was cleared with no one in it, and the PD paid to patch the holes in the wall. From then on, anytime we saw him we’d say, “SQUAWK! DON’T SHOOT!”)

Conserve Your Money When Dealing With This Family

, , , | Legal | March 24, 2019

(Eighteen years ago, I got a new landline phone number. This number previously belonged to someone else and it had been unused for twelve months after they got a new number. r Most debts seem to have been made long after they changed phone numbers. Every time someone calls for them, I ask when this debt occurred and tell the person on the other end that I suspect they are giving out my number because they already know they’re not going to pay for the goods or services. Every single one of the companies calling me is helpful and I establish that my hunch is correct. They are only giving out my number when they aren’t going to pay. Not once has any family member or friend called for them. Fast forward some five years. My landline rings:)

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Yes, hello. I’m [Caller] from [Bespoke Glazing and Conservatory Store]. I’m calling about the order you’ve placed. We still have a few questions.”

Me: “Are you calling for [Other Person]?”

Caller: “Yes, is he available?”

Me: “I don’t know; he doesn’t live here. But let me guess. He came in not too long ago and ordered something from you. He then proceeded to give this phone number as his?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Yeah… They do that only if they intend not to pay for the goods. They’ve been doing this for the last five years.”

Caller: “What? They’ve ordered a bespoke conservatory costing at least €20,000.”

Me: “Well, you have their address, right? Go there and tell them you’ve heard this. If I can give you one piece of advice, do not order that conservatory before they pay a lump sum up front. And even if they do that, be careful. I can give you a list of debt collection agencies who’ve been calling for them in the last few months.”

Caller: “Well… Hmm… That is really not what I wanted to hear. But thank you. I think you just saved us a lot of money.”

Me: “I’m sure I have.”

(We kept an eye out because we knew where they lived. That conservatory never got erected.)

911 Is Now Offering Coupons!

, , , , , , , | Legal | March 21, 2019

(I’m a police officer. A woman in her mid-50s calls 911 stating she has been robbed at one of our local stores and she needs the police quick, and then she hangs up abruptly. Naturally, the dispatcher puts out an urgent call and we all drop what we’re doing. I am first to arrive, followed by two other officers from my department, several sheriffs vehicles, and a highway patrol trooper who was on the highway next to the location. We get there and start looking around for the victim when I see a woman with her hand in the air, waving at us.)

Woman: “Yoo-hoo! Officers, over here!”

(A deputy and I walk over to her while the others prepare to do a search. One of the deputies who responded is getting his dog ready to track.)

Me: “It’s our understanding you’ve been robbed, ma’am? How long ago was it? What did they rob you of? Which direction did they go afterward?”

(She replies that it happened about ten minutes ago, that they robbed her of about $5, and that they are still inside the store! The deputy and I both look at each other.)

Deputy: “No, he can’t be that stupid.”

(I whistle over to the other guys and tell them that the suspect fled into the store, so they gather around so we can get more details on what the person looked like.)

Me: “What did he look like? What was he wearing?”

Woman: “Oh, he’s wearing a store uniform. It was the manager, [Manager].”

Me: “Wait. You’re telling us the manager came outside, robbed you, and then went back into work?”

Woman: “No! He robbed me inside the store. He wouldn’t accept my $5-off coupon for my purchases, so he robbed me of $5. I want him arrested, and you can be sure I am going to be calling his bosses to get him fired, but I can’t imagine him having a job after you guys arrest him, anyway.”

(The deputy and I exchange a look of disbelief, and we tell the other officers they can resume patrol as we have the situation under control.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I am going to go inside and get his side of the story since we got your side.”

(I walk in and the manager is already waiting for me. He is waiting to see if we need anything from him, as he thought there was an incident in the parking lot. He had no idea we were there about him. I tell him why are there and what she said and everything.)

Manager: *does an actual facepalm* “Oh, my god. She actually did it? That woman is f****** bonkers. We have issues with her every time she comes in, trying to use fake coupons she finds online, and when we tell her they can’t be used, she always says she’s going to call 911 and say I robbed her.”

(We talked to the cashier who checked her out, and she confirmed the woman was nuttier than a fruit cake. I walked back outside. I didn’t even have to say anything; the deputy knew by the look on my face to hook the lady up with some shiny new bracelets. She promptly started fighting with us and ended up on the ground after she tried to back-kick the deputy between the legs. As we dragged her to the deputy’s cruiser, she was screaming about how the police never believe her when she tells them she’s been robbed, and just carrying on. She was charged with misusing the 911 system, filing a false police report, and assaulting a law enforcement official. Last I heard, she spent a little bit of time in jail for that stunt and was banned from just about every store in the area as she caused trouble at all of them.)

Not Quite Married To The Idea Of Family Law

, , , , , | Legal | March 18, 2019

(At an engagement party, I overhear one guest asking another guest whether he is enjoying working as a lawyer.)

Lawyer: “It’s okay, but family law can be depressing. If your client isn’t planting the drugs in their ex’s shed, it’s their ex planting drugs in your client’s shed.”

You’re Only Meant To Have Five A Day

, , , , , , | Legal | March 18, 2019

(My wife and I are in adult Sunday School when the teacher is covering Galatians 5:22-23.)

Teacher: *reading* “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Me: *whispering to wife* “Wow, hard to be good in so many ways.”

Wife: *whispering to me* “Just pick one.”

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