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Stories about breaking the law!

The Saga Of Luckless And His Crew

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 17, 2022

I worked at a Catholic college. A few years ago, I was working the dinner shift in the café, and since it was a little slower during those periods, I would also do things like inventory once a week and major stocking.

When I got out my inventory sheet to start that portion of my shift I noticed our back stock of retail beverages (bottles and cans) was way more depleted than normal; by that, I mean that we were short by full cases. This was very much not a good sign. Then, I moved on to our cases of chips to find the same problem. I figured it was a management error and wrote my manager a note saying so. 

Skip to the next morning, when my manager found all of our “grab and go” food items missing from the cold box and the packaging of those items was strewn from one end of our café to the other trailing out the main doors and onto campus.

Obviously, someone was getting in and taking whatever they pleased and were now getting pretty sloppy.

Color the crew (me included) baffled. We searched madly high and low for a way they were getting in to no avail until yours truly was in the ladies’ room. I just happened to look up at the skylight about thirty feet above me. The window was pried open and there were shoe marks on the walls. Oh, it’s on now! 

Step one: install a padlock to the outside of the women’s room. They can get in through the skylight, but not back out.

Step two: involve the very bored small-town police force in a stakeout.

Step three: wait.

For practical reasons, the staff of our little café were not invited to the stakeout, but from what I heard it went down about like this.

At about one in the morning, the police saw someone scale the wall to the roof — a freshman boy who we’ll call Luckless. Two more freshmen were spotted by the main doors; they’re the type that only lock from the inside, so one can assume that Luckless was getting in via the ladies’ room and letting his friends in. 

Luckless dropped into the ladies’ room only to find he was stuck, and when the cops unlocked the door with guns drawn and the whole bit, Luckless wet in his college brand sweatpants. (That is speculation; one of the cops told me this, but I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me.) 

Luckless’s friends were picked up trying to run back to their dorm room to leave Luckless with the blame. The dorm room in question had a ton of our product in it. They were taken to lockup where they spilled the entire beans, as it were.

It turned out that every year, as a hazing ritual for the men’s lacrosse team, the freshmen were sent to break into the cafeteria and take one thing to prove they’d done it. Luckless and his friends went through the hazing, found out how easy it was, and started breaking in every night and going hog wild on all of our merchandise. 

I guess we were pretty lucky these boys were so stupid. If they had managed to get into the walk-in, they would have found the sides of beef and twenty-pound boxes of chicken parts. But no, they just wanted cases of Gatorade and terrible, prepackaged sushi.

Sadly, the school dropped the charges on them when Luckless and crew’s parents got involved. Since I didn’t have ties to the actual school, I don’t know how all of that worked out. The weird part was, their punishment was to work in the very café they had robbed blind. 

We had those kids do the grossest jobs we could think of. Luckless had it the worst; he had to clean out the grease trap in the dish room after it had backed up. I’ll never forget the look on his face coming out of there, arms covered almost to the shoulder with grease and bits of month-old food clinging to him. 

No sympathy was to be had from the staff. In fact, the whole crew’s attitude was, “HA! That’ll teach ya!”

I’m Gonna Tell Your Grandma!

, , , | Legal | January 14, 2022

Just before Christmas, my housing development experienced a streak of package theft. Doorbell cameras weren’t common yet and most of us worked away from home, so we didn’t have a way to see who was doing what.

I ordered a large and expensive gift for my parents and decided to take the day off when it was due to be delivered. I heard someone talking on my porch just as I was stepping out of the bathroom near the door. Thinking it was the delivery driver, I opened the door to see a woman in sweatpants and a sweater reaching down to pick up the large box. She stared at me.

Woman: *In a sing-song tone* “Hello!”

Me: *With the same tone* “F*** you.”

She tried to take the box anyway, but I grabbed the collar of her sweater and yanked hard enough that she fell on her backside. She got up and ran down the street to jump into a car and drive off.

I filed a police report but I never heard anything about it from the police. I told my neighbors what had happened, and one of the elderly women identified her as the granddaughter of another resident. At first, the other resident was mad at me for assaulting her granddaughter and threatened legal action. When I told my side of the story, the thefts mysteriously stopped.

Fighting Nonsense With Nonsense

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 11, 2022

I take my kids to visit my grandparents, and while we’re there, their phone rings. My grandfather answers and after a moment…

Grandfather: “Another telemarketer scam.”

My Seven-Year-Old: “I have an idea. Can I have the phone?”

Grandfather: “Sure.”

Seven-Year-Old: *Into the phone* “BLARGH! BLAH, BLAH! RAGH! ARGH! BLARGH!”

More or less.

My seven-year-old hands the phone back to her great-grandfather.

Seven-Year-Old: “They hung up.”

I now give her the phone whenever I get an unsolicited call.

Don’t Copy This Scam Again!

, , , , , | Legal | January 8, 2022

I work the phones at our small company. Because we are a business, we have typical things like copy machines. A call comes in asking for the model number of our copy machine so they can send us the toner. This is a scam where they ask for the model number, send out toner to our office at two times the cost, and bill us.

We also already have extra toner from when the machine was serviced last week. We also have a contract with the company that sold the copy machine to us, so I know this is fake. However, I decide to play along.

Scammer: “We just need the model number of your copier so we can send you the toner.”

Me: “Shouldn’t you have that already?”

Scammer: “Yes, we have the serial number but not the model number.”

Me: “If you have a serial number, then shouldn’t you be able to figure out what the model number is from the contract? Can you give me the serial number?”

Scammer: “Shut up, you f****** a**hole.” *Hangs up*

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Breaking Out The Big Guns. Sort Of.

, , , , | Legal | January 2, 2022

I have been getting an annoyingly frequent occurrence of spam calls claiming that if I don’t pay some kind of debt from a supposed lawsuit, I’ll be arrested. Of course, they only accept gift cards, and the only lawsuits I’ve been in ended with the other party owing me money.

I’ve tried everything; I told them I know they’re a scammer and asked nicely to be taken off the list. I’ve reported the phone numbers they’ve used. I’ve played the “world’s most annoying noise” audio at full blast. I’ve screamed incoherently. Nothing has worked to get them to leave me alone, and I am getting tired of being called five times a day.

Understandably, after a week, I am furious and underslept from the constant disruptions since they call any time between 5:00 am and 1:00 am. So, on a lark, I decided to use a meme for inspiration: the two Spider-men pointing at each other.

Scammer: “This is the State Office of Federal Bureau Consumer Affair Lawsuit Agency. There is a pending court case that demands your attention. If you fail to respond and pay the levy, there will be a warrant for your arrest…”

I put on a serious and authoritative voice.

Me: “Son, do you have any idea what number you just dialed?”

Scammer: “Huh? Yes, I’ve called you.”

Me: “This ain’t a personal phone. This phone is on a sergeant’s desk in [City].”

Scammer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You do know that impersonating police is a federal crime, right?”

Scammer: *Genuinely shocked* “I called the police?! No, I didn’t!”

Me: “You were the one who called this line. So, where should I send the boys in blue to pick you up?”

The scammer hung up quickly.

They stopped calling! Just be careful not to actually say you are police, for obvious reasons.