Not Going Down With Guns Firing

, , , , | Legal | October 19, 2018

(A customer comes into our cell phone retail store holding a ziplock bag containing several pieces of a completely destroyed smart phone, and places the bag on the counter.)

Customer: “I need a refund.”

Coworker: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Yesterday, [Coworker #2] put a screen protector on my phone, and when I woke up today it looked like this.”

(He gestures to the bag of phone parts.)

Coworker: *long pause* “The screen protector did this?”

Customer: “Yes. He must have loosened the screw or glue or something. Now the phone is broken and I need a refund.”

Manager: *hears and comes over* “So, you’re saying that you placed a completely whole and unbroken phone on your nightstand last night, and woke up this morning with it looking like a truck ran over it.”

Customer: “Exactly. And it’s [Coworker #2]’s fault.”

Manager: “No. That did not happen. You are not getting a refund, because you ran over your phone. I will gladly sell you a new phone, or if you have insurance, you can file a claim if this type of damage is covered.”

Customer: “NO! I WANT A F****** REFUND ON THIS PHONE!”

Manager: “Get out. Don’t swear at me. Why don’t you leave and cool off, and come back tomorrow when we can talk about this more rationally?”


Manager: *without breaking eye contact, picks up phone and dials 911* “Yes, hello. I am the manager at [Store]. A customer just threatened me, and my staff. Yes, he is still in the store. Yes, I think the threat was credible. I asked him to leave, and he said he would come back armed, and that he has PTSD. Great. Thank you.” *hangs up*

Customer: *staring silently* “Did you really just call the police?”

Manager: “Yeah, they are on their way.”

(After some more ranting, the customer dithered for a minute, and then turned to leave. By the time he got to the door, a police car had pulled up out front. The guy had a history of making threats. He was arrested for breach of peace, and trespassed from our store, which is the only one for about 200 miles.)

A Google Street View Of Justice

, , , , | Legal | October 18, 2018

I work for a multimedia department of a bigger software company; I am a UI designer for small apps and websites. I also do a bit of programming and scripting; it’s nothing too fancy, but good enough to create a nice presentation.

I am asked to create a program showing some locations on maps provided by our client. In short, I create an extremely basic version of Google Maps. In beta while waiting for the real maps, I start with a map of a non-existing country with very weird city names. It will appear if you type a very specific phrase in the search bar. After beta-testing, I find it too clever and funny to remove it — and it is not offending at all, just silly.

Later, my department is dissolved during a major reorganisation. It is a very big mess, and our client smells an opportunity to save some money. He actually claims we never created the program. The company has lost all track of us creating it during the reorganisation, so months later my old manager calls me at my new job to ask if I can remember creating the app.

Even on the phone I can hear her grin from ear to ear when I tell her how she can bring up this childish easter-egg country nobody knows about but me. Since it is already a court case, you could say the weird map is a pretty awesome silent witness.

This Justice Jumps To Judge Jurors

, , , , | Legal | October 17, 2018

(I recently got called for jury duty. I’m not exactly “dreading” it like some, but I’m also hoping I don’t end up getting called to a big spectacle trial. As the morning wears on, some of us that don’t have a laptop or something with us start talking, and I get along well with a couple. Eventually, I’m called up with one of the batches, including one of the guys I was talking with. When we hear the judge’s name, the man groans.)

Man: “Oh, God, not him!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Man: “He was the judge the last two times I’ve been called. He almost never lets jurors go until the lawyers start cutting.”

Me: “He can’t be that bad.”

Man: “Last time, he literally tried to talk someone into changing a scheduled surgery.”

Other Man: “Yeah, I’ve sat in on cases; this guy’s brutal. He basically has compassion for everyone in the courtroom but the jury, as if we’re all volunteering and have no room to complain.”

(The thoughts of all my potential excuses go right down the drain. I shuffle in with the rest and end up third in the box. The case is read out: in short, this man is on trial for ongoing child and spousal abuse, as well as for physically assaulting his son and son’s boyfriend when he found out they were gay. The first juror is asked to stand up, accepts what’s going on, and is signed in. The next one stands, and when asked if he could serve faithfully, he tries to get out because his car just died and he can’t guarantee it will be fixed before the trial starts, so he doesn’t have reliable transportation; the judge literally says, “Figure it out.” Then, he gets to me.)

Judge: *reading off my identification* “Can you faithfully prosecute the duty of a juror, without prejudice or concern?”

Me: “Honestly, I don’t think I can, Your Honor.”

Judge: *accusingly* “And why not?!”

Me: “I’m married to another man. My father refused to come to our wedding, and I’ve only talked with him twice in the last decade because of that.”

(This stern judge gave me a look for about ten seconds, double-checked my sheet, and excused me.)

Speeding Into Some New Insurance

, , , | Legal | October 16, 2018

(I am driving with a colleague to a work location some 180 miles away from our normal office. About 100 miles into the journey, we are driving along a dual-carriageway with a national speed limit; I am admittedly speeding about ten miles an hour over it. Glancing in my rear view mirror I see a police car behind us. I realise I’m about to get pulled over, so I ask my friend to get my license out of my purse. Sure enough, he flashes his lights and pulls me over as soon as we approach a wide strip of road.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I was speeding.”

Officer: *surprised* “Well, your speed wasn’t ideal, but I pulled you over because your car isn’t insured.”

(I am immediately both confused and horrified.)

Me: “What? That can’t be. It should be insured; I got it sorted out a week or so ago.”

(Suddenly something clicks in my mind.)

Me: “Wait, it switched over today! I moved it to a new insurance company, and they said it can sometimes take 24 hours for the database to update.”

Officer: *disbelieving tone* “So, who did you take your insurance out with?”

Me: “I took it out with [Insurance Company only available to members of the police and their families].”

(The officers eyes go wide as he takes my insurance details and heads back to his cruiser. My colleague and I talk about how mad this is, and I fret about my car getting towed when we are in the middle of nowhere. Eventually the officer comes back.)

Officer: “I’m so sorry for the trouble, ma’am; I can confirm the car is insured. We have to check everyone when we see it comes up as uninsured. I hope you understand.”

Me: “Oh, of course I do! I would much rather you pull people and catch the ones without!”

Officer: “Well, I have delayed your journey and I’m sorry for that; is there anything I can do?”

Me: “Oh, no. We have another hour left to go yet, and we left plenty of time in our journey. Thanks, though!”

(With that, he goes back to the car and we leave. My colleague jokes that we should have asked him to escort us the rest of the way, but I just smile back at him.)

Me: “Nah, to be honest I’m just glad he forgot I was speeding and didn’t give me a ticket!”

Monthly Roundup: September 2018

Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | October 15, 2018

It’s time for the September roundup! This one is a bit late as a third of our editing team was caught up in not one, but two typhoons while touring Asia these last few weeks. Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in September deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 807 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out thirteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was Life… Finds A Way , from the Related category!

What A PIN-Head – You need to know customers’ PINs for them, apparently.

Two Heads Are Better Than One – When you work doubles you see double…

Fart Jokes Exist In A Vacuum – Yes, it’s a fart joke. Yes, it’s worth reading.

How Do You Say “Burn” In Polish? – It’s ‘palić się’ actually.

Caning Is Coming Back As A Disciplinary Tool – You’re disabling yourself.

The Best Comeback Since Sliced Bread – We love it when a customer gets a healthy slice of reality.

Mini-Cooper Versus 35-Ton Truck – Read the story to see the results of the title’s battle – stay for the final twist!

The Bells Of Destiny – Their relationship is super(stitious)!

She Was Framed – This is the frame for how all bad customers should be treated.

Guy Giving You Trouble? Just Bounce – The creepier the guy, the more satisfying the bounce…

Man, What A Wait! – Sexism gets you nowhere.

The Babysitter Blues – See what happens when you’re literally left holding the baby.

Giving You A Bridge To Cross – Quite possible one of the most “Not Always Hopeless” hopeless stories we have ever received.


Please choose your favorite story of the month!

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*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default.

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