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You Show Me Yours And I’ll Show You Mine

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2022

I once borrowed a copy of the Satanic Bible from a friend. I was on my way home on the bus when an older woman sat next to me and started chatting. For the first five minutes or so, it was all small talk. She then opened her bag and pulled out a big, very well-loved Bible.

Woman: “Have you found Jesus? Would you like to read my Bible?”

I opened my purse, pulled out the Satanic Bible, and said:

Me: “No, thank you. Would you like to read mine?”

She moved seats.

Can’t Mask These Lies

, , , , , , , | Right | June 23, 2022

Our liquor store is run by the provincial government. As employees of a Crown corporation and members of a union, we tend to have a little more leeway than your average retail worker to tell an unreasonable customer to get wrecked.

We have a few customers who don’t want to or can’t wear a mask, and they follow our accommodations. They come in, go to the customer service desk, and request what they want. An employee gets it for them while they wait in a low-traffic area, and they’re rung up quickly.

However, there is one customer who regularly waits until no employees are watching the door, comes in sans mask, and tries to come through the line as normal. If he’s called on it, he argues about how masks are “just recommended” until the person ringing him up gives in, banking on the fact that we’d all rather get him out of there as quickly as possible than have a fight with some a**hole.

One evening, however, I’ve had enough of his stupid, smug face. I’m the only person on till, and the only other person on the floor is my manager, over at customer service. I look up, see the customer’s bare face, and say:

Me: “Sir, you know our policy perfectly well. If you’re not wearing a mask, you may be denied service.”

Customer: “I’m exempt.”

Me: “We have accommodations for people who are exempt. Please wait by customer service and you will be helped. Next customer, please.”

Customer: “Yeah, well, I’m here now, so why don’t you just ring me up?”

Me: “No. Next customer, please!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “If you wait by customer service, you will be helped. I will not ring you up here.”

Customer: “This isn’t a big deal.”

Me: “Oh, good. I’m glad you agree. Next, please!”

Customer: “No! You have to serve me!”

Me: “Yes, we must provide service to you. It’s available at the desk to your right. Please wait there to be helped. Next customer! Sir, please move out of this person’s way so I can help them.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you aren’t just helping me here.”

Me: “Perhaps my manager can explain it to you?”

Customer: “Yes! I want to speak to your manager.”

Me: “Great. She’s at customer service.”

Autocorrect Rears Its Ugly Head Again

, , , , | Working | May 3, 2022

A woman had been let go from her job a few days earlier, and I emailed her her final timesheet at the end of the week for her to sign. Not knowing if she’d be in front of her computer to see the email, I sent her a text.

Text: “Timesheet sent to sign pls”

Text: “Are you home”

I pressed send and the phone autocorrected the last word… to “homeless”.

I knew that she’d been having a hard time before she’d been let go and, even though we’d parted on good terms, I knew this would not sit well with her. I sent “*HOME” right after. but I never heard back from her again, save for receiving her signed timesheet half an hour later.

Oh, and the annoying part is, I’d been dumbing down my texts over the past year because of the ribbing of overly-formal texts. I was told that punctuation in texting can come off as rude! AARGH!

Don’t Bank On Their Retention Team

, , , , | Working | February 22, 2022

My landlord is rather elderly and still likes to get cheques for rent. I went online to order another book of cheques, but a charge of $50 came up. There was no way past the charge, so I called up the bank asking what was going on, because the last time I’d ordered cheques it cost $5. They told me that that was the new price.

Me: “Yeah, I’m not paying $50 for some pieces of paper that should be covered by the amount of fees you charge anyway. I’ll pay $5 like I did last time.”

Teller #1: “Sorry, ma’am. The price is $50 for 100 cheques.”

I’ve had fees waived before, and the cost seemed outrageous to me, so I didn’t drop it.

Me: “I’m not paying that. I’ll pay $5.”

Teller #1: “There’s nothing I can do. That’s the price.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m not paying that, so let me figure something out.”

I hung up, called my other bank, and asked the price of cheques. I could hear confusion in their voice.

Teller #2: “They’re… free?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

I told them how much my other bank was charging and they laughed, shocked. I called my original bank with my new info, but they wouldn’t waive the charge.

Me: “I’ll close all my accounts if you don’t just accept the $5.”

Teller #3: “There’s no way I can sell them for less than the price.”

Me: “Then I’ll close my account.”

Teller #3: “Okay.”

Me: “Okay? Really? Okay, let’s do this.”

It took a week on and off of phone calls and in-bank visits to get all my accounts and RRSP portfolio moved, but at no time did anyone try and keep me as a client. I’d been with the bank for forty years, but they just didn’t seem to care.

Consolidated to one bank now, I get a much better rate and much better service. Oh, and I never got my cheques. It took so long with the change of banks that I just ended up helping my landlord set up online banking and e-transfer and paid him that way.

If You’re Going To Use Your Heart, You Also Have To Use Your Head

, , , , , | Romantic | December 23, 2021

My ex-boyfriend lived in Vancouver, Canada, and I had a long-distance relationship with him. On my first visit, my ex decided that we would go from the suburbs where he lived into the main city to spend the day.

We planned well in advance, we brought cash for spending money, we and took public transport. I did enjoy seeing the sights, visiting the CF Pacific Centre (the largest mall), and wandering. But I kept a sharp eye on my money, tucking away the change so that it could be put toward train tickets back to his house. Since the ticket systems didn’t give change, it was wisest to save all the coins to try to get exact change for a ticket, or else we’d lose out on whatever wasn’t perfect.

At the end of the day, we were done and headed back toward the train station. It was at this point that a man approached to beg for change. 

My ex, in a stroke of too much generosity, delved into his pockets and gave the beggar all of his change. After we moved on:

Me: “What were you thinking?!”

He went on a monologue about needing to be generous and to help those in need.

Me: “I don’t mind helping those in need, but we were supposed to be using that change to get home. The change I have is perfect for a single ticket. The rest of what I have is in tens and twenties; we’ll lose money if we use them.”

My ex blew it off with a lot of dismissive hand-waving, shoved his hand into his pockets, and realized how badly he had just messed up. Muttering a lot of uh-ohs and oopses, he proceeded to delve into each and every one of his pockets, until he realized that he had no money left at all! He had spent the last of his cash on dinner, and he had just given away all of his Toonies ($2 coin), Loonies ($1 coin), and change to the beggar.

Now we were stuck in a big city, tired, and all the banks were closed for the day.

In the end, we had to go to a fast food chain and ask if they were willing to break one of my bigger bills. Thankfully, they were willing, so I bought something small so the register would open and got us the change we needed.

My ex was very subdued on the trip home.