Petting Is Not In The Cards

, , , , , | Related | September 18, 2017

(Mom, Dad, and I are sitting around the dinner table playing cards. I am distracted by the cat, who is letting me pet him.)

Mom: “Stop petting the cat. We’re playing cards.”

Me: “But he’s cute!”

Mom: “I think your father’s cute, but you don’t see me petting him all the time!” *pause* “Or at all.”

Good Thing The School Stuck To Its Guns

, , , , | Learning | September 18, 2017

I am a teenager living in a very quiet town in southern Canada. Near the end of the semester, I was sitting in class when the PA system came on, which it rarely does. It announced that the school was now on lock-down, and nobody was allowed to leave their classrooms for any reason.

Every so often, we received vague updates of the situation, and were able to figure out that someone had been seen in the area carrying a gun. The lock-down didn’t last long, and was lifted before the bell for the next class rang, with no explanation given. For the rest of the day, everyone was chatting about it, wondering what happened.

It turned out that someone had been moving house, and instead of putting their hunting rifle in a gun safe (or even, you know, a BOX), he went through town with it in plain view, scaring a lot of people. Since our school is only a block away from the main road through town, which he was using, it triggered lock-down procedures.

CS-Why?

, , , , | Related | September 17, 2017

(I am sitting on the couch watching TV, cuddled up in a blanket. I mention to my twelve-year-old son:)

Me: “I’m feeling cold.”

Son: “Mom, are you cold because you’re bleeding internally?”

Me: “We’re watching way too much CSI, aren’t we?”

England Has A Lot To Answer For

, , , , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work near the port where the cruise ships come in, so we got a lot of tourists. I have just finished helping a customer, when a lady who has been hanging back from the counter hesitantly walks up and puts her purchase on the counter.)

Customer: *after having listened to previous transaction* “I don’t speak Canadian; do you speak American?”

Me: “I speak English.”

(The customer looked dumbfounded, hurriedly paid for her stuff, and ran out of the store.)

Don’t Know What His Baggage Is

, , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work in a grocery store that exclusively uses paper bags. Most of our competitors use plastic bags. I have just finished packing a customer’s order and wished him a goodnight.)

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “That would be our bag.”

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “This is our bag.”

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “This is our bag.”

Customer: “No plastic bag?”

Me: “No, sir.”

(He then proceeded to unpack his order and took the items loose. I really couldn’t think of a way to say that his groceries were IN a bag.)

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