So Not Smooth

, , , , , , , | Working | July 22, 2021

I stop by a fast food place after work for a fruit smoothie, which is currently being advertised for $1. I order and hand the cashier a $5 bill with change to cover the tax. He gives me $2 back and walks away. I leave it on the counter while I wait for him to come back.

Me: “Those smoothies are a dollar, right?”

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, I gave you five dollars.”

I’m trying to give him a chance to realize his mistake.

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you gave me two dollars.”

I hold up the coin he gave me.

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “So…?”

He just gives me a blank look.

Me: “I’m going to need another two dollars.”

Cashier: “Okay.”

He opened the till and gave me my two dollars. I have no idea if he was just dense, trying to scam me, or what, but it was definitely odd having to walk a twenty-something dude through kindergarten-level math.

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With Coworkers Like This, You’ll Feel Like A Genius

, , , , , | Working | July 6, 2021

I have a coworker who is willfully ignorant. He has honestly said that looking anything up for your own information or curiosity’s sake is stupid and doesn’t serve any reason. “I mean, why would you want extra homework?” Here are a few instances of conversations with him.

Coworker: “I haven’t eaten pork in years!”

I look at what he is eating and then look back up at him.

Me: “Isn’t that a bacon cheeseburger?”

Coworker: *Confused* “Yeah.”

Me: “You do know bacon is pork, right?”

Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

Me: “Ummm… Unless a bacon product specifically says it’s beef, poultry, or other, it’s from a pig and thus pork.”

He looks at me in horror and suspicion.

Me: “Look it up!”

He eats his burger, and I see him eat other pork repeatedly from then on. He never says anything about it again.

The second conversation:

Coworker: “I hate getting eggs from the store. I’m always afraid that I’m going to find a baby chick in one or they’ll hatch in my fridge.”

Me: “Ummm… okay. There are three things wrong with that statement. One, chickens ovulate and lay eggs no matter what, whether they’ve been with a rooster or not. Two, chickens used for store eggs are not kept with roosters so the eggs are not — nor will they ever be — fertilized. And three, eggs can’t hatch in cold places like the fridge.”

Coworker: “I just don’t like them.”

The third conversation:

Me: “l wish I had the money to travel. I would love to go to the Mediterranean, Italy, or even Japan and Europe.”

Coworker: “It’s not worth it. It’s just a waste of money.”

Me: “Says the man who’s lived on three different continents in his twenty years of life.”

Coworker: “They’re all tourist traps! Waste of money! Too many people!”

I’m a bit upset at his condescending tone of voice.

Me: “See, here’s the thing. I have only been on a small portion of the west coast of this continent and one city in the Midwest. I have never really had much of a chance to travel, so it is something I would like to experience. I would love to experience different cultures and see the history of the world. If that is stupid to you, fine, but don’t call something I want to experience stupid.”

The fourth conversation:

Coworker: “Coffee is a gateway drug.”

Another coworker who is drinking coffee pipes up sarcastically.

Coworker #2: “Oh, yeah. I’m totally going to be shooting up the next time you see me.”

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The Teacher Did Not See That Coming

, , , , , , | Learning | July 3, 2021

My family moved from a small, traditional island community to a bustling city when I was really young because my parents were offered an opportunity they couldn’t afford to miss. This meant changing schools, meeting new friends, etc.

It is the first day of secondary school for my older brother, and he is nervous, to say the least. His name is Natsei, pronounced “Nat-say,” but everyone calls him “Nat” or “Nats” to avoid the obvious. He is in his first class of the day, English, where the teacher is doing attendance.

Teacher: “Erm… Mr. [Our Last Name]?”

Brother: *Raises his hand* “Here.”

Teacher: “Could I ask, how do you pronounce your name?”

Brother: “You can call me Nat; a lot of people do to avoid what I know you’re thinking about.”

Teacher: “For future reference, however, how do you pronounce your name?”

Brother: “Nat-Say.”

Teacher: “I bet your parents didn’t think that one through, did they?”

Brother: “Considering that it’s a traditional name handed down through my family, I would say they did.”

The teacher ended up calling him by our last name for the rest of his time in school.

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Et Voila!

, , , , , , , | Working | June 18, 2021

I’m on the last stage of my training for this call centre, which involves me taking calls with my trainer listening in to make sure I’m doing it right. One reason I’ve been hired is that I’m bilingual in French and English, but the trainer on this call is not fluent in French. 

Trainer: “Okay, now I’m going to connect you to the network. Ready for your first call?”

Me: “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

The phone rings immediately. 

Me: “Thank you for calling [Employer], this is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *With a very thick Quebecois accent* “Sorry, I thought I call the French phone?”

I switch over to French, as I notice that my screen is telling me the call is coming from a part of Quebec notorious for the weirdness of its accent.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t notice that it was a French call. What can I do for you?”

The caller explains his issue, which I solve for him.

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Caller: “No, that’s great, thanks. Bye!”

I hang up and turn to my trainer.

Me: “How was that?”

Trainer: “Well, since I understood about a tenth of what you said and not a single word the caller said, I’m going to assume you did awesome.”

Me: “Yay!”

Trainer: “I am going to ask the manager to put you on English-only calls during our training shifts, though.”

Me: “Boo…”

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Very Fishy Financials

, , , , , | Right | June 10, 2021

A woman walks up to my desk. She is wearing the required mask and has a slight, possibly Australian, accent. She says something to me that I can’t quite make out, and that sounds completely ludicrous. After a moment, I realize that what she was actually saying was:

Customer: “Is it all right if I pay with a card?”

I assure her that it is, then laugh and tell her:

Me: “For a moment there, I thought you said, ‘Is it all right if I play with a cod?”

Customer: *With a straight face* “Do you have one?”

We both cracked up.

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