Elderly Customer: *Cheerfully.* “Hello, dear! having a nice day?’

Me: “Yeah, not too bad. How about you?”

Elderly Customer: *Still very pleasant.* “Can’t complain!”

Me: *Finishes ringing him up.* “Your total is [under $5].”

Elderly Customer: *Searches through his pockets.* “Wait a minute, honey, I forgot my wallet in the car.”

The store isn’t busy at all, so I hold his purchase and wait for him to return. He walks out the door and stands in the middle of the empty parking lot. I have nothing else to do, so I watch him from the window.

The customer looks up at the sky, and for a solid few seconds, lets out a BLOODCURDLING SCREAM at the top of his lungs.

I look out the window, shocked and incredibly confused, as he gets his wallet from his car and walks back through the doors as if nothing happened.

Elderly Customer: *Once again, completely cheerful, pays for his purchase.* “Now you keep having a wonderful day, sugar!”

Many years back, my brother and his wife bought property that had an aging apple orchard. The plan was to remove the trees and put in a vineyard. We all came down to help. 

On burning day, we each had a fire pile we were to keep tabs on. I was watching my pile, and a large branch, on fire, rolled down and away from the pile. I grabbed the end that wasn’t burning and went to throw it back on the pile. I guess I went in a little too close and singed my hair around my face. I didn’t notice at the time.

Lunchtime came, and my niece saw my hair.

Niece: “Oh! Aunty! Your hair!”

Everyone had a good laugh.

The next work day included some fir tree trimming. I ended up with a bunch of sap stuck in my hair. My brother looked at me and said:

Brother: “Well, that should burn right out!”

I go into a fast food place during a One-Dollar Drink Deal promotion, order a drink, and give the cashier a five-dollar bill, plus change to cover the tax. He hands me my drink, gives me two dollars, and walks away. I keep trying to get his attention, but even though I am literally the only customer in the entire store, he takes his sweet time coming back to the counter.

Cashier: “Do you need something?”

Me: “Um, the drink only costs a dollar, right?”

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, I gave you five dollars.”

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you gave me two dollars.”

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “So…?”

Cashier: *Blank stare*

Me: “…I’m gonna need another two dollars.”

Cashier: “Okay.”

He opened his till, handed me two dollars, and walked away without another word.

I am in grade four. My teacher is asking us for the names of emotions for some writing project. After all of the obvious ones have been called out, like happiness, sadness, anger, etc., I raise my hand.

Me: “Relief.”

Teacher: “What? Relief isn’t an emotion! The only time you can relieve yourself is when you go to the bathroom!”

The entire class proceeded to laugh at me. When the school year finally ended, I cannot tell you how utterly RELIEVED I was to never have to see him again.

I recently got into making crafts out of polymer clay. One day, I made a bunch of things and set them on a tray, ready to be baked. My girlfriend, wanting to be helpful, offered to put them in the oven for me while I was off doing something else.

Girlfriend: “Three-seventy-five degrees, right?”

Me: “Hm? Oh, right, yeah.”

Not long after, she came over to me.

Girlfriend: “Um, there’s smoke coming out of the oven.”

Me: “That’s weird, because— Oh, s***! Two-seventy-five! Two-seventy-five!“

We both raced to get the smoking plastic out of the oven and open every single window to air out the place before we managed to either suffocate ourselves or set off the entire building’s smoke alarm. Luckily, we got to it soon enough that our emergency was entirely localized to our apartment, and on some of the pieces, the singeing actually made them look kind of cool, just not how I had intended them to look.

Eventually, my girlfriend spoke up.

Girlfriend: “Thanks for not getting mad at me.”

Me: “Why would I get mad at you? You literally asked me, and I told you it was okay. I’m the one who should know, so I’m the one who f***ed up! Thank you for not getting mad at me!“