Mom: “Help me find something for your sister for Christmas. She’s so hard to shop for; whatever I get her is never quite right.”

Me: “A graphic novel? She likes Brian Vaughn. Or a DVD? There’s some cartoon series she’s into.”

Mom: “No comic books or cartoons; she’s not a child anymore.”

Me: “A bottle of good bourbon?”

Mom: “I’m not giving my daughter liquor for Christmas!”

Me: “Uh… fancy bath stuff from that weird shop she likes?”

Mom: “No, I want to get her something useful.”

Me: “A cookbook? She loves cookbooks.”

Mom: “She has too many cookbooks already.”

Me: “Maybe something else for her kitchen? Her mother-in-law gave her a pasta machine for her birthday and she loved it.”

Mom: “But she doesn’t need those things.”

Me: “A new vacuum cleaner?”

Mom: “What she really needs is nicer clothes to wear to work.”

Me: *internally face-palming* “So… you already knew what you wanted to get her.”

Mom: “But whenever I get her clothes she never really likes them.”

Me: *going from internal face-palming to internal screaming* “So you’re asking me to, what, magically make her like the clothes you pick out?”

Mom: “Just help me find her a present she’ll like!”

(We then went to a department store that I know my sister does not shop at; every time I suggested an item of clothing I thought my sister would conceivably wear, Mom insisted it was not right. She ended up choosing a sweater which wouldn’t fit, and which my sister will end up exchanging for new socks.)

(I live in Canada. I am with my dad at a local ice cream parlour. We are waiting to order when the woman in front of us starts yelling at the cashier.)

Customer: “NO! I want my change back in American! You hear me?! I don’t want any of your Monopoly money!”

(My dad looks over her shoulder and, sure enough, she is waving a red $50 bill in the cashier’s face.)

Dad: “Madam, I would be more than happy to take that off your hands.”

(The woman snatched up the money and left in a huff. Why is it that some people think they can get the same currency back when they’re in a foreign country?)

I work in a retail store that sells work clothing and work boots (steel toes). Being specific to those items we carry a wide variety of styles and sizes (boots ranging from ladies size 4 to a mens size 15). This is easily the weirdest customer I’ve ever had.

Customer: Do you have these boots in a size 9.5?
Me: We don’t have that size on the shelf, so let me check the back stock.
(I go and check the back stock, we don’t have any 9.5, but size 9 so I bring those out)
Me: I’m sorry sir but we don’t have them in a 9.5. We do have them in a size 9 if you’d like to try.
Customer: What do you mean you don’t have 9.5? It’s a common size, you should have them.

Me: Yes it is a common size, and this being one of our more popular boot styles sells fairly quick. Unfortunately we’ve sold out of the 9.5, but if you’d like we can order in a pair for you.

Customer: Well pretty much everybody I know wears this size, so you should stock more of them because that is what most people will be looking for.

Me: Generally we have 5 or 6 pairs in stock, but sometimes we sell out before new stock comes in. Also as we like to cater to everyone we carry a variety of sizes ranging from 6 to 14. This way anyone who comes in is able to get the style they want.

Customer: Well you shouldn’t do that! You should only carry sizes that are common, that way people like me can get what the need when they need it. I know the 9 won’t fit and I don’t want to try it on.

Me: Well if you’d like sir I can order a pair of 9.5 and call you when they come in.

Customer: No, I don’t have time to waste on waiting for you to call me. You should just carry what I need, my size is average so you should keep it in stock all the time. I’ll just come back when you have more.

Me: But sir, there is a good chance we will be sold out of your size. Please, let me take your name and phone number so I can set a pair aside for you.

Customer: No. I’ll just come back when you have more. And tell your manager that he should carry more common sizes that way you’ll get more business.

The customer leaves, so I go back to relay what he said to my manager. My manager just laughs, he wears a size 14 boot, and that is the main reason why we cater to unique sizes.

(I am an associate at a pet supply store, and I’m a little hard of hearing. A man comes into the store and walks up to me.)

Customer: “Hi. I’ve got some stellar jays that—” *mumble mumble*

Me: *craning my ear to the customer* “Sorry, come again?”

Customer: *loudly* “I’ve got some stellar jays that I give peanuts to. Do you have any peanuts?”

Me: “I’m not sure if we have anything that’s just peanuts, but let’s see what’s on the shelf.”

(I lead him to the birdseed section and we don’t have any peanuts. Without saying anything, I motion to a bag of mixed nuts, which includes peanuts.)

Customer: “No, I need shelled peanuts.” *frames his mouth with his hands to amplify his voice, even though I’m standing right next to him, and SCREAMS* “SHELLED! SHELLED! IN THE SHELL!”

(For the record, in common parlance, “shelled” nuts are ones that have been removed from their shells; he is actually looking for “in-shell” peanuts.)

Customer: “You know what, never mind. Maybe someone else can…”

(He trailed off and turned around, leaving me stunned. He asked my coworker for peanuts; she lead him back to the birdseed and again found no peanuts. She offered to call another store, but the customer snapped, “Forget it!” and stormed out of the store. Later, we got a call from head office saying this customer complained about “the blonde bimbo [me] who doesn’t know what a peanut is.” Considering that I didn’t even get to say three sentences to the guy, I have no idea how he got that impression of me!)

(My friend and I are checking out a recently-opened antique and collectibles stores. My friend is rather, shall we say, forceful, and doesn’t like to pay full price for anything. She has asked the owner a number of questions about various items in her normal brusque manner, and then she spots a display of little collectible toy cars.)

Friend: “How much are these?”

Owner: “[Price].”

Friend: “You can get these for a buck at the dollar store.”

Owner: “Not this old, and not in the original packaging. You can’t even get the new ones for that price.”

Friend: “Yes, you can.”

Owner: “You really can’t.”

Friend: “I’ll go buy one and bring it back here and show you.”

Owner: “You do that.”

(He wanders off at that point and we go on looking around the store. As we’re passing by the owner on our way out:)

Friend: “Where do you get all this stuff?”

Owner: *muttering and oozing sarcasm* “At the dollar store.”