Me: “Can I see some ID for the beers, please?”

Customer: “I’m seventy-f******-five years old, little lady!”

Me: “I’m not little or a lady. Sir, you can’t be shocked that I need to ID an alcoholic purchase.”

Customer: “The state does not require me to have to carry my ID around all the time for god’s sake!”

Me: “Sir, you drove here.”

Customer: “So the f*** what?!”

Me: “Do you do this same super dramatic b****y overreaction when you get pulled over and the policeman asks for ID?”

Customer: *Leaving his items on the counter and walking out.* “This is against the constitution!”

Coworker: “Sir, we blocked it and asked you to call because it’s a very large withdrawal amount and is considered abnormal behavior for your account.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Okay, sir, calm down. The other person on the phone said what?”

Pause.

Coworker: “They’re holding your grandson hostage, and they want iTunes gift cards as the ransom?”

Pause.

Coworker: “Have you called your grandson to see if he’s actually been kidnapped?”

Pause.

Coworker: “Well, yes, I think maybe that’s a good idea.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, you can call us back if he’s actually been kidnapped, but I would recommend calling the police first.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, sir. Good luck.”

That customer did not call back. My coworker had fun putting “susceptible to the stupidest of scams” onto that customer’s notes!

This story reminded me of something similar happening in my own convenience store. This, too, is during that Coke campaign where they’re printing personal names on the bottles.

A customer has been browsing the sodas for a long time now.

Me: “Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m checking to see if any of these Cokes have my name on it?”

Me: “Maybe I can help, as we have more in the back. What’s your name?”

Customer: “Mahershalalhashbaz.”

Me: “…I can’t help you.”

Customer: “Hmm, lemme check the Diet Cokes…”

Related:
A Soda By Any Other Name

A customer passed out right in front of our meat section (we’d later find out it was a heart attack). We were trying to give her some dignity and guard her until the EMTs got there.

Customer: *Tries to get through.*

Me: “Sir, we’re keeping this section clear due to an incident.”

Customer: “I just need one thing.”

Me: “Sir, the EMTs will be here any second, and we need to keep this area clear—”

Customer: “—I want bacon.”

Me: “Sir, please come back later.”

Customer: “But… my bacon.”

Me: “Sir! Please… come… back… later!”

Customer: *Scoffs.* “Ugh! I hope the b**** dies!”

He storms off, leaving all of us shocked and appalled. My manager was rushing over and heard the customer as he approached.

The first thing he did after making sure the EMTs had everything they needed after they arrived was to ban the ever-living f*** out of that customer.

Now, every time we’re joking among ourselves about the worst customers of the day, we say “but… my bacon!” as an inside joke.

P.S. The woman was fine, in the end. She came back to say thanks to those who helped her!

A guy asks for a pack of cigarettes from behind the counter.

Me: “Alright, can I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “Why?” 

Me: “Because it’s the law. Anyone buying tobacco has to show ID if asked.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because the law says you need to be at least twenty-one to buy tobacco products in the U.S.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because before 2019, the minimum age was eighteen, but Congress raised it to twenty-one nationwide to cut down on teen smoking.” 

Customer: “Why?” 

Me: “Because data showed that most smokers started before twenty-one. If you push the age up, fewer teens pick up the habit, and smoking rates go down overall.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because nicotine is addictive, and the earlier you start, the harder it is to quit. The body and brain are still developing into your twenties, so starting younger increases long-term damage.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because nicotine binds to receptors in the brain that regulate dopamine, basically rewiring your reward system. That’s why people crave another cigarette even when they know it’s harmful.”

Customer: “Why?” 

Me: “Because the human brain evolved to reinforce behaviors that release dopamine, like eating or social bonding. Nicotine hijacks that system, tricking your brain into treating smoking like a survival need.”

The customer stares at me for a long moment. Then, without a word, he slowly hands over his driver’s license.

Customer: *Grinning.* “Eh, I’m just f****** with you. You’re the first one to last longer than my ‘why’ routine.”

I swipe his ID and hand him his cigarettes.

Me: “Great, now ask me why I still work here.”