I take a phone call on the customer line.

Me: “Good morning, [Hardware Store], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi there. I’d like to refill my prescription.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong number. This is a hardware store.”

Five-second pause.

Caller: “So you won’t help me refill my prescription?”

Me: “What sort of prescription?”

Caller: “My birth control pill.”

Me: “Okay, well, we’re a hardware store, so we don’t have birth control or any other medication.”

Caller: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me!”

Me: “We don’t have the tools for the job, ma’am.”

Caller: “You’re not being very helpful at all!” *Click.*

I might have done society a disservice by not helping prevent her from procreating, come to think about it…

We have a regular shoplifter, and today we’ve managed to catch him in the act. 

Security is standing behind him as we watch him unload nothing but expensive body washes, deodorants, and toothpaste from multiple compartments and pockets all over him.

Security Guy: *Standing a lot closer to the shoplifter than I am.* “You must be stealing all these to resell. You’re obviously not using any of them.”

D***, [Security Guy]! We already caught him, no need to destroy him!

My manager approaches a customer:

Manager: “Ma’am, the store is now closed. Please make your way to the registers.”

Customer: “I still have a few things to find!”

She continues shopping for another ten minutes. She finally gets up to the registers and meets me, my manager, and my other coworker. They’re both watching her, and I’m scanning her stuff as fast as possible.

Me: “Do you want a bag, ma’am?”

Customer: “If I wanted one, I would ask for one.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

Customer: *Debating to herself, holding up specific items.* “Hmm, now do I want these?”

She takes her sweet time deciding if she wants certain items and checking prices. When it’s time to pay, she pays with EBT and cash. Her EBT went through, and she finds the cash remaining.

Me: “The remainder owed is “$20.02, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t give out my pennies because they’re going out of circulation.”

She then spends a minute rummaging through her PENNY-filled wallet to find a nickel.

Customer: “Hmm, no nickels.”

She rummages some more and hands me a dime. Then, to top it all off, she says:

Customer: “Oh, I get a free bag with EBT, right?”

No, you do not, but I am done with her at this point, so I just give her a bag so that she can leave. My manager, coworker, and I spent the rest of the closing talking crap about her.

When my ride is here to pick me up (my boyfriend, who has been patiently waiting in the parking lot for me), I told him about the lady, and he goes:

Boyfriend: “The one with the pink sweater?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s her. Why?”

Boyfriend: “Her car wouldn’t start. She had to get someone to jump it for her.”

So nice that there’s a little bit of karma.

All these new-starter stories recently reminded me of when I was new at my coffee place, and I was introduced to one of our ‘special’ customers.

Customer: “Venti iced caramel macchiato with almond milk.”

I take payment, ask her name, and put the order into the system. I’m surprised to see that despite there being a queue of drinks ahead of hers, one of the baristas is finishing up her drink order. In fact, the timing indicates she must have started it the moment the customer walked through the door, before she even ordered.

Barista: “Venti iced caramel macchiato with almond milk for [Customer’s Name].”

The customer wordlessly walks up, grabs her drink, and walks out, her eyes never looking away from her phone.

Me: *To the barista.* “How was her drink ready so fast?”

Barista: “She’s a special case. She will always grab the next drink called after she orders. Literally always. She will not look at it, and she will walk out with it no matter what it is. She never complained about the wrong drink, but she always leaves chaos in her wake, every time, when we have to remake the drink.”

Me: “Can’t we explain to her that the drink isn’t hers?”

Barista: “Of course we did that. [Manager] explained it to her literally five times. But she just… never got it. I’m not sure if she has some kind of cognitive issues or she literally thinks she’s the only customer in the world, but [Manager] decided that since she always orders the same thing every time, it’s easier to make hers on the fly no matter how long the line is, than try to stop this old lady on her morning routine.”

Caller: “I’d like to make a reservation at your restaurant.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. What time and for how many?”

Caller: “Ten people on [date] at 10:45 PM.”

Me: “Ma’am, we close at 11 PM, so—”

Caller: “—and?! We’re making a booking before you close.”

Me: “We can’t take reservations fifteen minutes before we close. The latest I could take a reservation for a table of your size would be 10 PM, and even then—”

Caller: “—That’s not going to work for us. We’re going to the theater and we won’t get out until after that. We wanted a late dinner, and since you’re a hotel and open all night, we would eat there.”

Me: “Ma’am, the hotel is indeed staffed twenty-four hours, but the restaurant is not. The kitchen closes at 10:30 PM and the dining area closes at 11 PM.”

Caller: “I want to speak to your manager. You’re not being very helpful.”

I pass them over to my manager, who gets the gist of what is happening from having overheard my half of the conversation.

Manager: “This is the manager, ma’am. I have heard the conversation. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “You can make my restaurant reservation, but you can also fire that girl I was just talking to! She was very rude and made me feel like I was an inconvenience!”

Manager: “I apologize, ma’am, we should not have made you feel like you were being an inconvenience.”

Caller: “Good! I expect to be—”

Manager: “—Yes, inconvenience is far too light a word for what you were requesting. Hardship, or a burden, would be much more accurate terms to describe having to cater to a large table for hours after closing time.”

Caller: “What!? I demand—”

Manager: “—Thank you for bringing this to my attention, and I’ll be sure to teach all our staff the correct vocabulary to use when receiving outrageous demands. You have a great day now!” *Click.*