I overhear a dad talking to his young son, maybe four or five years old, at the bookstore where I work. They’re looking at an animal picture book.

Dad: “I swear, giraffes are real!”

Son: “Nice try, dad, you got me on unicorns, so I’m not gonna fall for it this time.”

The dad makes an ‘ugh’ sound and then spots me.

Dad: “Hey, you work here. Can you please tell my son that giraffes are real?”

Me: “You mean the cheetah-horse with the twenty-foot neck and horn stumps and eyelashes for days?”

Dad: *Trying not to laugh.* “You’re not helping.”

Me: “If you think it’s tough now, wait until he gets to the ‘N’ section and discovers the Narwhal.”

I did eventually tell the boy that every animal in that book was real, including the giraffe. The boy, in his distrust, managed to leverage a future trip to the zoo to prove it out of the dad.

Customer: “Excuse me, but where’s your bathroom?”

I point her in the right direction. She walks away, leaving her cart and purse behind.

Me: “Ma’am, don’t forget your purse!”

Customer: *Calling back.* “It’s okay, Jesus watches over me.”

I make eye contact with a coworker.

Coworker: “She should be lucky she got you then because if that were me, then Jesus would be helpin’ himself to a few extra dollars…”

I know [Coworker] was only joking, but still. Talk about putting God to the test!

I work at a pet food store, and I got paged to the front for customer service.

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m trying to find some certified organic freeze-dried dog treats made from animals that don’t jump.”

Me: *Thinking I’d misheard that last part.* “Sorry, what was that?”

She’s looking at me like I’m the crazy one.

Customer: “Animals that don’t jump? You know, like chickens jump and rabbits jump, but turkeys and cows don’t jump.”

I ended up showing her some treats that she seemed satisfied with, but I grew up on a farm, and so I know that all of those animals jump. 

I asked my manager why it would make a difference feeding a dog animals that jump versus animals that don’t.

Manager: “I’m just as confused as you. I do know that elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump, so there’s nothing we could have done for her.”

Me: “You mean to tell me that our store doesn’t carry elephant dog food?!”

A customer has asked me to look up something related to her customer account.

Me: “Sure, I can look that up for you. Do you have any photo ID?”

Customer: “No, why does it matter?”

Me: “Privacy. I can’t give out that info to just anyone.”

Customer: “This is my daughter, she’s seven.” *Points to the little girl beside her.* “She will tell you who I am.”

Me: “Yes, we take Driver’s Licenses, Passports, and the word of seven-year-old girls as forms of valid photo ID.”

What made it worse was that the woman HAD her ID on her, but she felt it was easier to go through whatever the h*** this was…

Customer: “So when can I expect my order to arrive?”

Me: “Well, the ship is scheduled to arrive at port in about a week. It’s hard to say when your containers will be unloaded, so probably another two or three days. Once the load is secured by the carrier, it will be delivered to you the next day.”

Customer: “That’s no good, I need those containers here tomorrow.”

Me: Sir, your containers are on a boat floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean as we speak. I don’t like to use this word very often, but that’s impossible.”

Customer: “Well… tell them to sail faster!” *Click.*

CORRECTION: A typo has been corrected.