Cinco De Nono 

, , , , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(On Cinco de Mayo, we naturally receive a lot of customers; mysteriously, most of them tend to be obviously not of Hispanic descent. This occurs about two hours into what turns out to be a six-hour constant string of customers, what we term a “rush.” A customer rolls into the drive-thru and the order proceeds normally. At the end, she wishes me a happy Cinco de Mayo. I am not Hispanic but I politely respond as that is what is expected. The next occurs when we finally manage to get them to the window after everyone in front of them has gotten their food.)

Me: “Hello, your total is—”

Customer: *handing over money* “Happy Cinco de Mayo. You didn’t respond like you should.”

(I give back change and ask if they want sauce.)  

Me: “Ma’am, Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican Holiday; all my ancestors are European. I honestly have no reason to celebrate it.”

Customer: “But you should! I mean, it was important to the outcome of the American Civil War!”

(My face is very screwed up as history has always been something I love.)

Me: “Ma’am, Cinco de Mayo was just the date of an important battle in the Mexican war for independence.”

Customer: “Yeah, it helped win the battle of Gettysburg.”

Me: “No, ma’am, it did not.”

Customer: “Yes, it did, and you’re wrong; when I get home I’m checking Wikipedia to prove it.”

Me: “Ma’am, you do know that anyone can edit Wikipedia and put whatever they want on it, regardless of its authenticity.”

Customer: “No, they can’t!”  

(At this point, we had her food, so I handed it out and she left.)

Neither Snow Nor Rain Nor Heat Nor Quantum Physics

, , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(I work at a post office. Just before closing, two women approach the window.)

Customer: “I have my mail on hold, and we’re going away tomorrow. Can I pick up tomorrow’s mail?”

Me: *trying not to laugh in her face* “Ma’am, we won’t have tomorrow’s mail until tomorrow.”

Customer: “Well, can I go to the distribution center–” *five minutes from the office where we’re located* “–to pick up tomorrow’s mail?”

Me: “They don’t even have tomorrow’s mail. Why don’t you stop by tomorrow after ten am for tomorrow’s mail?”

(The customers leave with a confused look on their faces, not making a fuss but definitely not understanding that the post office ascribes to a linear understanding of time and cannot, in fact, give them their mail before it arrives.)

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They Get The ID-ea!

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(My husband and I stop at a candy shop on our way home. We’ve been there multiple times and the shop has a number of very friendly employees. When paying for our purchases, I hand my credit card to the clerk.)

Clerk: *smiles* “May I please see your ID?”

Me & Husband: “Here you go!”

Me: “Thank you for asking and protecting us.”

(The clerk and the other two behind the counter are staring at us with their mouths open, immediately followed by huge grins.)

Clerk: “I wish our last customer felt that way. He screamed that we were accusing him of theft.”

Me: *shaking my head* “Yeah, you are protecting your interests but you are protecting mine, too. Why can’t people see that?”

(We received a huge round of thanks from the very nice staff and a surprise in our bag. They’d given us a little extra candy to savor on our way home!)

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The Caller Is An A**Hole, No Maybes

, , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(I am a pet groomer, and we are usually trained to speak in “maybes” so as to avoid legal issues. For example, instead of saying, “Your dog has mange,” we have to say, “I think your dog has mange,” as we are not medically licensed. This has lead to a surprising amount of trouble outside of the pet care world.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *pleasantly* “Hi. I’m just calling to make sure you guys are open your normal hours today.”

(I am unaware that it is a holiday, and I am also distracted ringing up another customer’s purchase while on the phone.)

Me: “Yes, I think we are. Um, wait. Yes, we are open until nine.”

Customer: “You are, or you think you are?”

Me: “We are.”

Customer: *suddenly nasty* “Well, you don’t say you think, you say you know. What kind of business is this? You obviously don’t know your job!”

Me: “Uh, okay.”

Customer: “If you knew you were open until nine, why didn’t you say so?!”

Me: “I was distracted, ma’am, and I also corrected myself immediately, so…”

Customer: “Well, it’s just very unprofessional of you!”

Me: “All right. Have a great day, ma’am.”

(I hung up without waiting, and she didn’t call back or show up at all that evening, at least not to my knowledge. This has happened on several other occasions, as well, but I think I’m not going to stop.)

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I Don’t Speak Mumble Or Bigot  

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(Our store is subject to a lot of prank calls, usually made by employees. We can usually tell who is calling, but we have recently gotten a rash of calls from a belligerent, unidentifiable man. I happen to answer the phone on one of these occasions.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *unintelligible*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What was that?”

Caller: “I said, ‘How are things going tonight?’, b****! Did you hear that?! *click*

Me: “Okay.”

(Several minutes later, I ran into the manager and told him about the call, and he said a man called and told him that we have too many foreigners working at our store, and they need to hire some people who speak English, which is interesting because I was born and raised in Massachusetts, where I live and currently work. Perhaps this fellow simply needs to learn not to mumble on the phone and not be a bigoted moron.)

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