Extra Thick Medicine

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2020

(In high school, I contract mono. The worst of it for me is the sore throat; my tonsils are so swollen I haven’t really eaten in days. My dad and I are on the way home from the doctor, and we stop at the local ice cream place. They aren’t quite open yet, but I am getting weak and faint from the lack of food.)

Me: *somewhat hoarsely* “Hello?”

Owner: “Sorry, hon, we’re not quite open yet.”

Me: “I know, and I’m sorry, but I’m really sick and I haven’t had any real food in forever. Is there any way I could get a milkshake? I hate to be a bother, but I’m just really dying for some calories, and this is the only thing I’ll be able to get down.”

Owner: *backs up jokingly* “Whoa, whatever you want, hon. Just don’t breathe on me!”

(The owner pulls over one of the workers, a girl a little older than me, to make the shake, and then goes back to setting up the shop.)

Girl: “Here’s your shake.” *whispers* “I made it extra-thick, okay?”

Me: “Thank you so much; I really appreciate it.”

(They both said they hoped I’d feel better, and we left. Sadly, the shop has since closed due to some chicanery with the land lease, and everyone bemoans the loss of the nicest ice cream shop in the county.)

Being Cool, It’s In Her Jeans

, , , | Right | February 20, 2020

(I’m a young woman with an alternative, kind of gothic-like taste of clothing. Today, I happen to be at a kind of a “girly” store — the place where people generally least expect me to be — and I’m wearing black flared jeans that are covered with rings, chains, and straps. A little girl, about four years old, approaches me.)

Girl: *staring in awe at my jeans* 

Me: “Hi there. You like my jeans?”

(The girl rushes to her mom, pulling her shirt to get her attention.)

Girl: “Mommy, mommy! That lady wears weird pants! But they’re cool! Oh, Mommy, can I get those, too?”

Mother: “When you get older, hun. I don’t believe they come in your size.”

(She then smiled at me, and the little girl looked like I’d made her day. Well, she made mine by thinking I look cool! A welcome relief to all the usual loathing looks, that’s for sure.)

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This Level Of Stupid Can Wait Until Morning

, , , , , | Right | February 19, 2020

(The supermarket I work at is having a five-for-ten-dollar sale on twelve-packs of Coke products. We have a customer call the store regarding said sale.)

Customer: “I was in the store earlier and I was incorrectly charged for the soda.”

Me: “All right, how much were you charged?”

Customer: “Well, I bought five twelve-packs and I was charged two dollars each. I want them at the advertised five for ten dollars.”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, you were charged correctly. At five for ten dollars, each item will be two dollars.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! Five for ten dollars is not the same as two dollars each! I want them for the advertised sale price! I want to speak to a manager!”

(At this point, I hand the phone over to my manager and he gets an earful from the customer.)

Manager: “No, ma’am, I can assure you that [My Name] was not trying to scam you. You were charged the correct price.”

(My manager gets another earful from the customer and he gives up trying to argue with her.)

Manager: “All right, ma’am. The next time you come in, bring your receipt to our service desk and they’ll fix it for you. I’m sorry for the confusion.”

(My manager hangs up the phone and turns to me.)

Manager: “The front end can deal with her when she comes in first thing tomorrow morning. I’m done dealing with customers.”

The Picture Of The Modern World’s Reading Ability

, , , | Right | February 19, 2020

(A woman with two children comes into the children’s room.)

Customer: “My daughter needs to read a picture book for summer reading. Where are the picture books?”

Me: “They’re on the left side, all along the walls.” *sees that her daughter is already reading one of the picture books that we had on display* “Actually, your daughter already has one, so you don’t need to look for another.”

Customer: “No, that’s not a picture book. It has words!”

Me: “Picture books have words.”

Customer: “Then why do they call them picture books?”

Me: “Because they usually have large pictures.”

Customer: “Well, what do you call books without words?”

Me: “Wordless books.”

Customer: “But picture books don’t have words, so they’re the same thing.” *to her daughter* “Stop reading that; you need to read a picture book!”

Me: “Your daughter is reading a picture book, and picture books do have words.”

Customer: “But that doesn’t make any sense!”

Me: “Wordless books are books without words. Picture books have large pictures and are meant to be read to younger kids. That’s why they’re good for your third-grade child’s summer reading project.”

Customer: “Fine, but I still think that’s misleading. How does the school expect me to find all these things for her?”

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Bladeturner: More Dangerous Than A Bladerunner

, , , | Right | February 19, 2020

(The ice machine on the soda fountain occasionally quits working. It’s an easy fix, digging around in the ice to pop the door that ice comes out of, because it will freeze shut. There are blades — not super fast, but very heavy — in the ice to push it towards the door. I notice a grocery clerk talking to a customer I had just helped with fried chicken in our deli; he has just scooped ice out of the top and handed it to her.)

Me: “Here, I’ll fix that. It does that all the time. It’s really easy.”

(I take off the top and start digging around in the ice. I’m at the back of the machine and don’t even realize the lady — who is wearing a cop uniform — is still there. Suddenly, with my hand still in the machine, the blades start moving. I get my hand out just in time, staring at the machine in disbelief. I poke my head around the machine to see the lady holding down the ice button.)

Me: “The blades are turning.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, I can see them. It still isn’t working, though.”

Me: “I meant that the blades are turning because you hit that button, and my hands were in there!

Customer: *blinks* “Oh, sorry.”

(She walked away while I got back up and dug in the ice until I popped the ice door open. I made extra sure there was NO ONE around, and that was the second time that had happened to me, although I can’t believe I had to walk a COP through that. My manager and coworker laughed at me when I told them what happened.)

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