The Voice Of Disgruntled Customers

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

Me: “Hello. This is [My Name]. Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello.”

(He has a deep voice, and throughout this conversation, he is very serious and business-like, just doing his job, without any emotion.)

Caller: “I work for [a service that helps people who are deaf and dumb]. A client [on the other side of the country] is going to type into her computer at her home and I will read what she has typed to you.”

(I have no idea why she is calling a store on the other side of the country rather than a store near her.)

Caller: “I will type your response so she can read it. Do you understand, and do you have any objections to proceeding?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Fine. Everything I say from now on will be me reading what she has typed. Do you have [a certain piece of clothing in a certain style, color, size, etc.].”

Me: “Just a moment. I will check.” *after checking* “No, I’m sorry, but we don’t have that in our store.”

Caller: “Well, could you order it for me?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am, but we cannot order something for a customer if the customer is not in the store.”

Caller: “Then could you call around to some of your other stores to see if they have it in stock?”

Me: “No, again, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I have to take care of the customers who are actually in the store. If you were in the store, I would do that for you.”

Caller: *still very business-like and unemotional, just reading what she has typed* “You are a stupid idiot. Good bye.”

A One-Way Ticket To Stupidity

, , , , | Legal | November 13, 2018

(I am waiting for a friend to fight his parking ticket. I am sitting in the back of a very busy traffic courtroom.)

Bailiff: “NEXT!”

(A guy goes up and hands a ticket over to the bailiff, who announces his name and citation number to the court reporter.)

Judge: “Well, Mr. [Guy], what’s the story here?”

Guy: “I was parking on the South Side in a municipal lot. It was really busy and I was in line for the meter.”

(In this city, there is one “meter” per lot. You enter your plate number and a receipt prints out.)

Guy: “While I was in line, the meter maid gave me a ticket.”

Judge: “This ticket says it was on [date], is that correct?”

Guy: “Yes.”

Judge: *sighs LOUDLY, places his head in his hands, and makes an announcement* “If there is anyone in this courtroom with a ticket from the South Side on [date], please stand up.”

(About fifteen people stand up.)

Judge: “How many of you were in line to pay when you got the ticket?”

(Everyone raises their hands.)

Judge: “Son of a— Bailiff, can you collect up all those tickets, please?”

(There’s a bit of a wait while everyone pulls out their tickets. The bailiff hands them to the traffic court judge and he reads each one. Finally he announces that he doesn’t have time to hear each case. He’s dismissing every ticket; they can all leave. Finally, my friend gets called.)

Judge: “What’s your story?”

Friend: “Well, I was on the North Side on [date two weeks after the last group]. I parked, walked across the lot towards the meter and the meter maid pulled in. She immediately ticketed me. If you look at the time on the ticket and the time on the receipt, she wrote the ticket at exactly the same time as the receipt printed. I was the only one in the lot. She had to know the car in the lot belonged to the guy currently at the meter.”

Judge: *looks at ticket* “This ticket was written by [Meter Maid].”

Friend: “Yes, sir.”

Judge: “Well, today is your lucky day. That story sounds so stupid I wouldn’t normally believe it. But, given what I just witnessed, I’m dismissing yours, as well.”

Friend: “I don’t suppose there’s a way to prevent this from happening again?”

Judge: “I’m going to suggest she get retrained or replaced. I can’t make any promises.”

(Based on a story in the local paper a month later, she was still doing it.)

Uh… It Computes Things?

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

Customer: *slams item on my counter* “So, what can you tell me about this product?”

Me: *slightly confused* “What would you like to know?”

Customer: *in clear disbelief* “I don’t know! You tell me!”

The Only Answer I Have For You Is Nope

, , | Working | November 13, 2018

(We are a single location in a group of restaurants around the valley that are still family-owned with a headquarters. Our owner is only active in visiting the restaurants and guests every week. His children have taken over everything else. We get solicitor callers every now and again, and they always ask for the owner.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Solicitor: “Hello, my name is [Solicitor] from [Random Business]. Is [Owner] available?”

Me: “He is not available, and we are not interested today, thank you.”

Solicitor: “Oh, okay. So, do you know if he’ll be available tomorrow, since you apparently have all the answers?!”

Me: “Nope, not interested. Have a good day.”

Their Mess Is Your Problem

, , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I work at a large and fairly popular movie theater in my area, mostly in the middle of the week and the entire weekend. This particular weekend is the opening of the popular children’s movie “Storks,” and large crowds of parents and their children come to see it. Naturally, this means that the auditoriums showing the film are disaster areas. It’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m working as the lead usher, where I make sure that my team is quickly and properly cleaning the theaters and that trash is being taken care of. We’re cleaning up our largest theater, which holds nearly 500 people at full capacity. There’s popcorn, candy, and trash everywhere, and every trash can is overflowing. I’m forced to call a manager to assist us with cleaning. A large group of people waiting for the next showing has gathered outside, and they are impatient.)

Manager: *over his radio* “Could we get an extra set of hands in this theater? We’re not going to get this done in time.”

Supervisor: *over her radio* “Yeah, I’m on my way now.”

(As my supervisor steps through the doors to the theater, I can hear the guests whining and complaining outside.)

Me: “Don’t we have a hold-out line for this theater? I hate listening to these people.”

Supervisor: “We were supposed to, but no one told the greeter, so he didn’t direct them towards it.”

Me: “Great.”

(We frantically try to finish cleaning the theater. At this point, we’re not as thorough about it as we usually are; we just need to get it done. I finish cleaning my area and head to the trash cans so I can change them. Unfortunately, the guests standing by the doors can see me through the windows. One of them, a middle-aged gentleman, steps into the theater.)

Guest: *yelling* “Are you guys done yet?”

Me: “We’re still trying to finish up in here. I’m so sorry about the wait, sir, but it’s very messy and we’re going as fast as we can.”

Guest: *walking further into the theater and still yelling* “Can’t you go any faster?”

(Before I can respond, my manager walks towards us, looking extremely frustrated.)

Manager: “Sir, if you could please go back outside and wait, we are almost finished in here.”

(The man grumbles and steps back outside, and my manager helps me change out the trash. I start to get a little nervous watching the people outside get more and more frustrated, but we finish after that and begin walking out of the theater. As we step out, the crowd starts clapping and walking into the theater before my ushers, the manager, the supervisor, and I have exited. I frown at everyone as they walk by and listen to them grumble.)

Guest: “They always take so long to clean the theater; it’s so annoying.”

Guest’s Friend: “I know; I wish they would go faster.”

(My ushers and I wait for everybody to enter the theater before moving on to the next one.)

Me: “God, did you see how they clapped for us? That was so frustrating.”

Usher: “It was so messy in there; it was ridiculous.”

Me: “I know. You’d think people would keep it clean so we don’t take so long and make everyone angry.”

(An hour and a half later, we returned to the theater to find it just as messy as it was earlier. People never learn.)

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