Your Salary This Year Will Be Impotent

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My coworker likes to occasionally “pick on” some of the sales managers, but it’s all in good fun, and they know she’s just joking.)

Coworker: *shouting out the window of the office to one of the managers* “[MANAGER], ARE YOU IMPOTENT?”

Me: “[Coworker], you can’t say that!”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Do you know what that means?”

Coworker: “Doesn’t it just mean, like, unimportant?”

Me: “No! It means a guy can’t get it up!”

Coworker: “Oh.”

(At this point, the manager comes over, and he’s just dying of laughter.)

Me: “Never say that again!”

Their Comprehension Is Cassini-Teeny-Weeny

, , , , , | Friendly | September 20, 2017

(It is the day before the Cassini space probe is scheduled to finish its mission and dive into Saturn, and some of us have been talking about it at the office, when [Coworker #1] walks by.)

Coworker #1: “It’s finally getting to Saturn? And they’re going to crash right into it?”

Me: “No. It’s been there a long time, taking pictures of the planet and its moons.”

Coworker #2: “It was launched in 1997, arrived at Saturn in 2004, and it’s been orbiting there ever since.”

Coworker #1: *entirely serious* “Oh, right. Gotcha. So… is it manned?”

Everyone In Earshot: *long, incredulous silence*

Coworker #2: “No.”

Unfiltered Story #95378

, , , | Unfiltered | September 20, 2017

My uncle and grandfather were both leaning back in recliners with their arms crossed behind their heads. My uncle (who has been putting his thumb and forefinger around each of his wrists absentmindedly for a while) says to my grandfather “Hey Dad, is one of your wrists smaller than the other?”

My grandfather proceeds to do the same thing, putting the same two fingers around each of his wrists. “No,” he says, “I can make my fingers touch on both wrists.” My uncle says, “That’s weird, I can’t.”

They continue this way for a while with my grandmother staring at them both as though they are the dumbest people ever born until she finally goes, “[Uncle]! You are missing half of one thumb!”

My uncle was in a factory accident. A coworker of his tried to pull something on a conveyor belt through a machine too fast and it sucked my uncle’s hand in and shredded his thumb to the middle joint. He had been this way for decades at the time of this story.

That’s Too Much Sharing

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(My friend is traveling to New York on business. While he usually gets his own room, his boss warns him that due to cutbacks, he may be sharing a room with a coworker this trip. The hotel desk clerk is a very attractive woman.)

Friend: “Reservation for [Name].”

Clerk: “And will you be staying alone, sir?”

Friend: “Yes.” *remembers that the room may have been reserved for two* “Unless you have other plans.”

Clerk: *icily hands him his key card* “Good day, sir.”

Unfiltered Story #95376

, , | Unfiltered | September 20, 2017

(A few years ago I worked as a bus boy and general assistant to the chefs. I usually go out into the dining area to get the dishes and bring them back to wash them. I’m a tall, chubby guy and I was 15 at the time being. The shirts I wore were black so I could fit in with the staff’s outfits, but most of the time the shirt was a size too small. This was one of those times. I pick up plates near an old couple.)

Old Man: “Hey, kid!”

Me: “Yes?”

(The couple look disgusted.)

Old Man: “You need to get better shirts, you look like a f****** queer.”

(I’m taken aback by this, mostly because I’ve never experienced homophobes this straightforward before. He keeps on.)

Old Man: “D*** queers, always making such strapping young men f**s.”

(I just decided to leave, but the old man was persistent.)

Old Man: “I don’t want to see you in a short shirt again, cause I’ll know you’re a queer then. It’s a sin to be a queer!”

(I’ve had enough then.)

Me: “There’s nothing wrong with being gay, actually, it’s supported here. If you want to be an old homophobic a**-hole you can leave; I’m sure the bartender will help.”

(The bartender is a muscular man and is pretty protective of me. The old man turned pale and left, his wife apologized and left too. A few months later the restaurant closed. The best part of the whole thing? A few weeks ago I saw the old man and his wife, and he saw me with my handsome boyfriend and freaked out when me and my boyfriend made out in front of him.)

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