Paint Me Selfish

, , , , | Friendly | April 25, 2019

(I’ve been best friends with two other girls since childhood. We’ve pretty much always done everything together, even when we started growing up and our personalities and interests started shifting. [Friend #1] has been saving money and building up her credit since she was old enough to get a work permit and credit card. A few days before winter break in our senior year, she gives me a call.)

Friend #1: “Hey, where are you?”

Me: “At [Friend #2]’s place, finishing up homework.”

Friend #1: “You’re together? Perfect. I’m coming over; I’ve got a surprise to show you guys.”

(Fifteen minutes later, [Friend #1] calls us outside and we find her leaning against a car we’ve never seen. It’s hers! She bought herself a used car! We, of course, start freaking out.)

Me: “Oh, my God! Do we get to ride in it?!”

Friend #1: “Naturally.”

Friend #2: “Can we decorate it? Oh! I’ve always wanted a car with fuzzy dice and a cute steering wheel cover… Oh, and painted a bright, pretty color!”

Friend #1: “Ha, paint. Nah, I’m good with how it is, and I already put a little dream catcher on the rear view.”

Friend #2: “Well, what can we do?”

Friend #1: *thinks for a moment* “You can each put a bumper sticker on the back — non-political — and a bobblehead on the dash.”

Me: “Dude! Will you take us bobblehead shopping?”

Friend #1: “Sure!”

Friend #2: “That’s it? We can’t even pick a fresh paint job?”

Friend #1: “It’s functional and reliable; I don’t need it to be pretty. Paint is expensive.”

Friend #2: “But this is going to be our ride! It should look amazing, and lame bobbleheads aren’t going to do that. It needs serious accessorizing. I say we vote on it.”

(We sometimes vote on things we’re going to do together when we can’t come to a full agreement.)

Friend #1: “Um, no? My car, my rules, my final say. Gosh, I have a car to make rules for! I feel so grown up!”

(She and I giggle, but apparently [Friend #2] isn’t amused.)

Friend #2: “That’s not fair! We’re all going to share it. We should have equal say in what goes! Right, [My Name]?”

Me: “No? What are you talking about? This is her car. She paid money for this. We’re lucky we have a best friend who can drive us around now.”

Friend #2: “We share everything because we’re best friends! How is this any different?”

Friend #1: “Fine. You want a paint job? You get to pay for it, along with [significant amount of money for us at the time].”

Friend #2: “What? Why so much?!”

Friend #1: “That’s half of what the car cost, and your price for equal ownership. Oh, plus half the insurance costs… Wait, my name is the only one on the insurance. Never mind, my veto power is absolute. No to the paint job.”

Friend #2: “This should be for all of us! I can’t believe you’re being so selfish!”

Me: “Dude.”

Friend #1: *disbelieving laugh* “I’m not the one being selfish here.”

([Friend #2] goes off on a full tantrum, complete with screaming and crying. [Friend #1] puts up with it to stall for me so I can sneak inside the house and grab my stuff. When I come back out, [Friend #2] is threatening to key the car, since [Friend #1] “doesn’t care about the paint, anyway.” [Friend #1] brings her phone, which is now in her hand at her side, up to her ear.)

Friend #1: “Hi, [Friend #2’s Dad]? You’re there? Did you hear all of that? She’s talking about my car. I just bought a car, yeah.”

(This does not help the tantrum. It does, however, freak [Friend #2] out enough that she runs screaming into the house. Once [Friend #1] finishes talking to [Friend #2]’s dad, she takes the opportunity to get us out of there. It’s total silence for a few minutes while she drives.)

Friend #1: *visibly upset* “So… want to go get gelato to celebrate my new car?”

(Not only did we get gelato — which I paid for and insisted she get multiple scoops — but as soon as winter break started, we headed off on a long weekend road trip that she’d wanted all three of us to go on. I covered half the gas, we enjoyed ourselves immensely, and we continue to enjoy ourselves to this day, while our ex-friend still needs permission to use her mom’s car whenever she wants to go anywhere alone.)

Shutting Down That Closing Down Grief

, , , | Right | April 25, 2019

(The company that owns the chain of stores is shutting down our location. There are three other locations within a half-hour’s driving distance, plus an online store, but some customers are still pretty upset. I have this conversation, or a variation on it, more times than I can count while we are breaking the news.)

Customer: “So, [Store] is closing? That’s terrible! I can’t believe it!”

Me: “Yeah, we’re closing on [date]. But it’s just this location; there’s still the stores in [Other Locations], plus online.”

Customer: “I don’t want to go all the way to [Other Location]. You guys were so convenient. This is so terrible. I don’t know what I’m going to do! Why would you shut this store down?”

Me: “That’s above my pay-grade. Are you ready to check out?”

(After ringing up items:)

Me: “Do you have a [Store] rewards card?”

Customer: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “Would you like one? It’s free and it’ll only take a moment.”

Customer: “No, I never come here.”

(Between this drama and having to console people about driving twenty minutes away when I was going to be laid off, I was pretty much going crazy for the last few weeks. And this isn’t even getting into the clearance prices and coupon abuse we had to deal with.)

Thursday The Second

, , , | Learning | April 25, 2019

Me: *speaking slowly and clearly* “The test will be on Thursday.”

Student: “Okay! I heard you the first time!”

Me: “That was the second time.”

 

No Three Cheers For This Doctor

, , , , , | Healthy | April 25, 2019

(My first experience with a migraine is not a fun one. I lay in bed for two days and nothing works. I am ten at the time. My mom decides to take me to the ER to get stronger medicines since I am missing school and crying any time I am awake. After waiting for an hour, I am taken back and they begin prepping for medicine.)

Doctor: “All right. I’m going to give you a shot to help your head.”

Me: “W-what? I didn’t…”

(I start crying again due to a fear of needles while my mom comforts me. The doctor preps the shot.)

Doctor: “All right. Going to count to three and then we’ll stick you. One… Two…”

(He then jabs the needle in. I scream and jerk away because I wasn’t prepared, causing blood to get all over my arm.)

Doctor: “What the h*** was that for?! You’re ten! Grow up!”

Mom: “And you stabbed my child! You said, ‘On three’!”

Doctor: “Well, if he wasn’t such a brat—“

(A nurse comes in at that moment and sees me crying with blood all over my arm, my mom cornering the doctor, and the doctor with the needle still in his hand. The doctor shoves my mom away and all but slams the needle into the nurse’s hand.)

Doctor: “You take care of this spoiled brat!”

(The nurse patched me up and waited until three to stick me. It took a few tries, but we finally got the medicine. Once it took effect, I don’t remember anything, but, from what I heard, the doctor was fired because he was too rough with patients. One even almost died because of him.)

Cancelling Your Cancellation Stunt

, , , , | Right | April 25, 2019

(I work as a ride-share driver. If someone requests a ride but cancels it after a certain amount of time but before they are picked up, they get charged a cancellation fee of $5. This is to make sure the drivers still get paid for their time and gas when they travel to pick someone up. If a driver cancels a ride for any reason, the rider is not charged the fee. To get around this, some riders will call the driver and ask them to cancel for them. I have just traveled 15 minutes to pick up a rider. As soon as I pull up to the address, they call me.)

Rider #1: “Hello! Hey, can you hear me?”

Me: “Hey, I’m right outside.”

Rider #1: “I am having trouble with my phone!” *hangs up*

(I wait two more minutes before calling them back.)

Me: “Hey, I’m at your address. Are you here?”

Rider #1: “I put the address in wrong. I’m actually a few blocks away. Can you cancel so I can request the ride again?”

Me: “You can update your location in the app. I’d be happy to meet you where you are to pick you up.”

Rider #1: *to someone else in the background* “He said he will come to get us here. What do I do?”

(Suddenly, someone else is on the phone.)

Rider #2: “Um, hello? Yeah, the app won’t let me change the address, so can you just cancel the ride?”

Me: “That’s fine. Just cancel through the app.”

Rider #2: “Oh, um, it won’t let me do that, either. Can’t you just cancel it?”

Me: *feigning concern* “Oh, no! Have you tried contacting [App] tech support? They can help you through everything.”

Rider #2: *pause* “You should probably just cancel. What if someone else requests a ride?”

Me: “I’m happy to wait until you get everything straightened out.”

Rider #2: “OH, F*** YOU!”

(About thirty seconds after the call ended I was able to mark them as a no-show, and they got charged the cancellation fee, anyway.)

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