I work for a fiber company. I’m talking to a coworker who is laughing about a recent trip to check on some cable.

Coworker: “So, we caught some dumb-a**es trying to steal our cables.”

Me: “Huh? But why?”

Coworker: “They wanted it for the copper. They didn’t know I was from the fiber company, so they just up and confessed what they were doing like some kind of pride thing. They thought I was just a passing tradesman and that I’d appreciate their efforts to “stick it to the man” or something…”

Me: “Did you tell them that our cables are made with glass?”

Coworker: “I pointed out the ‘fiber wire, no copper’ message that was sprayed on it, but they said, “That sounds like something that would be on a copper wire to trick us. Better steal this one!” So, I just stood around chatting with them as they tried to steal our cables while the cops were on their way.”

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Call The Cop-pers!

I’m bringing out a pallet of alternative milk to restock an aisle, when I am immediately set upon by an angry customer, waving a carton of almond milk in my face:

Customer: “Why is this in the dairy-free section!”

Me: “Because it’s dairy-free, ma’am. It’s almond milk.”

Customer: “Exactly! Since when is milk dairy-free!”

Me: “It’s made from almonds, ma’am. It’s not from a cow. Technically, it’s not really milk, but that’s how it’s advertised, so I can understand how it can be confusing.”

Customer: “You really think we customers are idiots, don’t you?! This is almond-flavored milk! Milk! If you don’t know the answer to something, don’t just bull-s*** an answer to sound clever! Now tell me where the dairy-free milk is!?”

I asked if she meant lactose-free. No, she meant dairy-free. She refused to accept that any item with ‘milk’ in the name was dairy-free, even if it came from soy, almond, oats, or even coconuts. She settled on getting the ‘0% milk’ because that meant “it contained zero milk”.

At the checkout counter, a customer courteously places the bar to separate his intended purchase from that of the next person in line, mine.

Me: “Congratulations.”

Customer: “For what?”

Me: “You passed the bar.”

Customer: “What bar?”

Others In Line: *Giggling.*

He leaves the store looking confused. The other customers in line keep enjoying the joke on him.

I take a call on the store’s customer line. A guy who got his pizza just a few minutes earlier is calling us in a rage.

Caller: “I’m gonna come down there and kick all your a**es!”

Me: “First of all, sir, threats of physical violence will not be tolerated, and these calls are recorded. Now, what is your issue?”

Caller: “You put sticks in my pizza!”

Me: “Pardon me, sticks?”

Caller: “Ugly sticks in my pizza! It’s gross! I can’t believe you expect me to eat this!”

I don’t know what the sticks are, and we’re so busy I don’t have the time or the energy to find out.

Me: “I’ll be happy to send someone out to check on your pizza, sir.”

I call one of our nearby drivers (who happens to be over six foot three and very well built) and ask him to go check on this guy.

When he gets back to the store, he’s laughing:

Driver: “Yeah, he showed me the “sticks” in his pizza. You know what they were? He ordered thin crust, and some of the crust broke off onto the pizza. He was nice as can be after I pointed that out.”

Me: “Are you sure he was nice because you pointed it out, or because you’re over two fifty pounds of muscle?”

Driver: “I think the Russian accent helped.”

I had just started cashiering at a Target. I was only a few months in and still incredibly timid and shy. A customer pays for some soda and chips with a $20 bill.

Customer: *After getting his change.* “Hey! I paid with a fifty!”

Me: “No, sir, you gave me a twenty.”

Customer: “No! I know what I gave you! Give me my change!”

I opened my register, and I did have one $50 in there, but I knew it was from earlier, as it had a little red mark in the corner from a previous owner who got bored with a Sharpie at one time.

I was in full panic mode because I didn’t know how to handle it, and I was also hesitant to call a manager to check the cameras because I was still one of the newer guys. 

Finally, this sweet, beautiful, amazing old woman who was next in line behind him said.

Next Customer: “Come on, guy, we all saw you hand her a $20. I saw, she saw it, and you know you did it. Those cameras will know it too, and if she needs to call a manager to check it they will also know it. The whole universe knows what you’re trying to pull, so stop wasting everyone’s time, especially my time, and just take your money and go.”

The guy looks livid, but realizes the gig is up, mumbles something about having been mistaken, and moves on. The old lady moves up to scan her items.

Me: “Thank you! I have never wanted to hug another human being so much in my whole entire life.”

Next Customer: “It wasn’t for you, dear, it was for me! I’m almost eighty! I don’t have many days left on this planet, and I’m not gonna waste ’em being stuck behind a mouth-breathing poltroon who thinks they can swindle thirty bucks from a high schooler.”

A customer ruined my faith in humanity, and the very next one restored it.

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Short Change Teaches You The Long Game