Sterling Archer’s Day Off

, , , , , | Related | May 11, 2021

I’m an imagery analyst for a government-funded agency, which is a polite way of saying I’m a spy for the CIA.

One day, my dad calls me and says that there is a family emergency, so I rush home from work.

Dad: “Your younger brother’s phone got stolen at school. Can you find it?”

First off, it’s an ancient phone model. It’s worthless. Second, my brother has three phones — hand-me-downs from the rest of the family — so losing one is no biggie.

Me: “You kidding me?”

Dad: “No. You’re a spy. You’re supposed to be good at tracking things down, so I want you to go use your fancy government surveillance gizmos, find me that phone, and send the perp who did this to your torture rooms.”

Let’s ignore everything else he said. My brother is TEN. I ain’t torturing no schoolmates of his.

Me: “Can’t you find it by yourself?”

Dad: “Nope. Already searched the school for it. It’s not there. Now go do your job.”

In short, he’s too lazy. I curse under my breath in Cantonese. One hour later, I plop the phone down on the table.

Dad: *To my brother* “See?! I told you that your brother could do it! Good thing he’s a spy, eh?”

Brother: “Cool! How did you do it?”

Dad: “He’s a spy! He’s got access to all of the government surveillance gizmos and s***.”

Me: “No, I didn’t use that.”

Dad: “Oh, then what? Did you go to the school and find out who stole it and then gave him the old one-two?”

Me: “No. I used the [Phone Finder] app to find the d*** phone. It was on the soccer field. He forgot to bring it home.”

Word of advice, kids: don’t become a spy. James Bond lied about how exciting it is, and everyone that knows you’re one thinks you’re either their personal sniffer dog or hitman.

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Avocado-No-No

, , , , | Right | May 11, 2021

I was a farmers’ market vendor for a few years. Our market made a point of selling local, home-grown produce. 

One customer came in asking for avocados, which are, of course, tropical and not grown here in western Idaho. I don’t know if he didn’t understand “local produce” or “climate zones,” but he was miffed that none of us sold avocados!

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Bullies Are Just The Worst

, , , , , | Learning | May 11, 2021

I am not social in school. One boy, in particular, seems to take great pleasure in pushing me to the point of tears before leaving me alone with my anger. I tell my parents about this boy, they ask the school to intervene, and the school sends us to a group called “peer counselors.” Each counsel session has two school-aged counselors and one teacher. I’m nine, [Boy] is eleven, and we’re both in fourth grade.

Peer Counselor #1: “We are here today to find out why [My Name] feels targeted by [Boy].”

Boy: “She likes it.”

Me: “I don’t.”

Boy: *Poking me* “It’s just for fun!”

I duck out of his reach, batting his hand away.

Me: “Stop!”

Boy: “She hit me! See?”

Peer Counselor #1: “[Boy], please keep your hands to yourself. [My Name], don’t hit.”

Peer Counselor #2: “[My Name], why do you think [Boy] is picking on you?”

Me: “I don’t know. He’s mean.”

Peer Counselor #2: “Let’s try to not use words like that. Let’s try being more constructive and less destructive.”

Boy: “[My Name] doesn’t have friends. I’m just trying to give her the attention she wants.”

Me: “I don’t want attention.”

Boy: “Then why did you go tattling to your mommy and daddy like a widdle baby?

He makes mocking crying motions by his eyes. I feel the tears coming and shake my head.

Boy: “See? She’s a baby!”

Peer Counselor #2: “[Boy], we don’t call people babies.”

Peer Counselor #1: “Clearly, [My Name] does not like the attention you’re giving her. Don’t you think you should stop?”

Boy: “No. No one else even talks to her.”

He reaches over and pulls my hair so hard my head jerks sideways.

Me: “Stop!”

I start crying.

Teacher: “Okay, [Boy]. That’s enough. Get up.”

Boy: “What?”

Teacher: “Get up. Now.”

She stands beside him, not touching him.

Boy: “You can’t make me.”

Teacher: “Get. Up.”

[Boy] smiles smugly, crossing his arms.

Boy: “No.”

Teacher: “Okay.”

She grabs him by the arm and drags him out of the room. He protests as they go down the hall toward the principal’s office.

Boy: “Hey! Let go! You can’t touch me!”

My mom came and picked me up from school that day. A few days later, when I returned to school, I heard that [Boy] had been expelled. My “tattling” had given other kids the courage to come forward, sharing experiences from stealing lunch money to physical intimidation. The principal and other staff members felt that expulsion was the best move for everyone. I don’t know what happened to [Boy] or where he went after he was expelled.

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Not What They Meant By Networking With The Manager

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2021

I work internal IT for a big retail company. With everything going on lately, we’ve transitioned to mostly work-from-home for all our corporate users.

User: “I have a laptop, but I need to learn a new software, so I got another laptop and I can’t sign in.”

Me: “Is it a [Company] laptop or a personal one? And is this a Windows or a Mac?”

User: “It’s the laptop; I think it’s Windows.”

Me: “How did you get this laptop? Did it come from asset management?”

User: “Um, no. It came from a coworker.”

Me: “Okay, unfortunately, you won’t be able to sign on from home the first time. You’ll need to get it on the network so it can talk to your account. I know some of the corporate offices are closed, so if you can get to one of the stores, that’ll work, too.”

User: “I have my manager’s approval to use this.”

Me: “I understand that, but if the computer isn’t on the network then it can’t grab your account information.”

User: “Would it change if my manager talked to that asset whatever team?”

Me: “Unfortunately, not really. Even if they said this situation was one where they could make the change to allow the first-time login from home, they’d still need to get it on the network in order to update the account.”

User: “Are you sure? My manager said I could use it.”

Me: “I understand that; however, it still needs to talk to the network to verify your account.”

User: “But the coworker who gave this to me should still be able to sign in, right?”

Me: “As long as they know the most recent password that this workstation cached. However, they shouldn’t be sharing their credentials with you.”

User: “Are you sure I have to get it to the store?”

Me: “Yes.”

User: *Sighs* “Fine, thanks. Bye.”

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The Pickup Policy Scores A Ten

, , , | Right | May 10, 2021

It is late at night in my diner when the phone rings.

Me: “[Restaurant], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Can I get—” *Starts saying their order*

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take orders over the phone after ten o’clock.”

Caller: “Why the f*** not?!”

Me: “Because too many people have forgotten to pick up their food in the past.”

Caller: “Make an exception for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t. You can talk to the manager in the morning, but I can’t take your order unless you actually come in.”

Caller: “Do it anyway! I’m only ten minutes away!”

Me: “Great! We’ll see you when you get here!” *Click*

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