Yes Sauce Tastes Positive

, , , | Right | September 25, 2018

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Place]. How may I he—”

Customer: *cutting me off* “I want a [Kid’s Meal].”

Me: “Okay, sure. Which kind would you like?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *sighs, getting a sinking feeling that I’m going to have to walk them through this* “Okay, what size? The four or six piece? Or a burger?”

Customer: “Six piece.”

Me: “And what to drink?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “I mean do you want Coke, milk, or juice?”

Customer: “YES, YOU IDIOT!”

Me: *puts it up as a Diet Coke, the grossest thing I can think of for a kid* “And what sauce would you like?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *exhales slow*

Drive Straight Through Any Reasonable Outcome

, , , , | Right | September 25, 2018

(I work at a fast food restaurant. We recently began posting employees outside in the drive-thru to improve our service scores and times during the lunch rush. I am at one of the menu boards and wearing a headset, but as I am the only male employee outside, the manual labor of take-down falls to me.)

Manager: *over headset* “Okay, tell [Other Employees] it’s time to start heading in and get packed up.”

(I do so and start to walk back to the cash stand, which is a big metal podium-style cart with an umbrella that has to be carted to the back of the store. As I’m about to reach the cart, a car speeds into the drive-thru and past the menu boards, and the man at the wheel starts to shout at me.)

Customer: “I need a [combo meal] with well-done fries and a drink, and I don’t need any attitude!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re already shutting down the outdoor ordering for today, but if you—”

Customer: “You’re shutting down the drive-thru?! I thought [Restaurant] was all about customer service!”

Me: “The drive-thru is still open, but we’re shutting down the outdoor—”

Customer: “You can’t just shut down the drive-thru in the middle of the afternoon!”

Me: “Sir, the drive-thru is still open; we just aren’t taking orders outside. If you could back up to the menu boards and let them know what you’d like to order, I’m sure they’d be happy to help.”

(At this point, he seems to have calmed down, and he backs up. I think I’ve seen the last of him, but as I’m folding the umbrella, he pulls up beside me and rolls down his window.)

Customer: “Ahem.”

(I continue folding the umbrella.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to take my money?”

Me: “Sir, as you can see, I am taking down the cart right now. We won’t be taking drive-thru orders or payment outside again until tomorrow morning at eleven-thirty. If you could pull up to the window, they’ll be happy to finish your order there.”

(I went back to tying the umbrella down, and he realized he wouldn’t get any rise out of me. He drove off muttering about how he was going to talk to my manager about my disrespectful attitude. Unfortunately for him, my manager that day had a history of not taking crap from guests, and on top of that, she’d already put in her two-weeks’ notice. When I returned inside, rather than the reprimand the customer wanted, I received a high-five and an ice cream cone for not telling him off like she did. I’ve always wondered what she said to him.)

Giving Him An Earful

, , , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed watching TV. We are spooning, with me as the big spoon. He is really talented at watching TV and forgetting the world around him. I kiss his ear and he jumps up, freaking out.)

Boyfriend: “What the heck, babe?! Were you trying to slice my ear open or something?”

Me: *deadpan* “No, I need something sharp to do that.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Yeah, that’s true.”

(He snuggles back against me for a second before saying:)

Boyfriend: “I don’t know which is worse…”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “That that is your answer to why you didn’t slice my ear open, or that I accepted it without a second thought.”

An Affair To Not Remember

, , , , | Related | September 25, 2018

(I am about seven years old, going to the mall with my mom in the early nineties. I see a beauty shop called “The Hair Affair.”)

Me: “Mom, why is it called that?”

Mom: *distractedly* “Called what?”

Me: *whispers* “Hair affair. Isn’t ‘affair’ a bad word?”

Mom: *stares* “How… do you know that?”

Me: *smugly* “I saw it on TV and asked, and [Sister] said that it was when to two married people sleep together but they’re not married to each other.”

Mom: “Uh, well, never you mind. Don’t think about it.”

Me: *mumbling* “Do they have an affair with their hair? Or…?”

(Mom left me to my musings and quickly pulled me somewhere else. It wasn’t long after that that I figured out that affair meant something else, as well!)

It’s Going To Be A Long (Fort)Nite

, , , , , | Friendly | September 25, 2018

(I am a freshman in college. Let it be known, I am loving life on campus; my classes are intellectually stimulating, and there are plenty of coffee shops to fuel my growing addiction. The only issue I have — as is to be expected — is my neighbors in the dorms. We’ve been on campus for about a month and a half now, and every other day or so our neighbors end up staying up until two or three in the morning playing “Fortnite.” We’ve asked them to keep it down three or four times by now, but it seems to be a bit of a lost cause. Today, I had a conversation with them that went something like this:)

Me: *knocks on door*

Neighbor #1: “Oh, hey. What’s up?”

Me: “Would you guys be willing to turn your video games down? We’re trying to study, sleep, and not have to listen to you screaming at a video game at three am.”

Neighbor #2: “Oh, sure. We’ll try to keep it down. We just get so into it.”

Me: “I understand. I’m an avid online gamer, too. I play Star Wars online… which means I also understand that you should keep your game volume at a reasonable level, and not curse at a screen at three in the morning, as evidenced by the way you don’t hear ‘pew pew’ noises coming from our room. Thanks.”

(This was all said very calmly. I am a very polite person, so the fact that I said this at all goes to show how fed up I am. I’m hoping for results, but I’m not holding my breath.)

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