Phoning In The Discipline

, , , , | Related | April 23, 2018

(Since I’m an only child of a large family tree, I’m a bit of a loner, comparatively. I don’t mind being by myself and actually enjoy silence, which is the complete opposite of most of my family. One day, I take a roadtrip with my mom and members of her side of the family. We end up carpooling with one of my aunts, her husband, and their three kids. My uncle is driving, with me right behind him, and my aunt is in the passenger seat, with my mother directly behind her. All my cousins are shoved in the back. We’re all chatting amongst ourselves, but my aunt is admittedly monopolizing most of the conversation. After a while, I get bored and pull out my phone to read. I reason that, since no one is directly talking to me, and some of my cousins are also on their phone, this is all right.)

Aunt: “[My Name]! Are you paying attention?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, no, sorry.”

Aunt: “Ugh, your generation and phones. Always texting and never talking with the actual people around you!”

(I put away my phone to pay attention more to the conversation, but it turns out she didn’t want to say anything specific to me, as she’s sharing a story. After a few minutes, I pull my phone out again, but my aunt reaches over from her seat and plucks it away from my hands.)

Me: “Hey!”

Aunt: “I warned you already! Now you can’t use it for the rest of the ride!” *slips my phone into HER purse*

(I glance back at a cousin sitting behind me, who’s been on his phone this whole time.)

Me: “But—”

Aunt: “You had your chance. You’re being disrespectful!”

Mom: “She has a point, [My Name]. Besides, we’re traveling through the countryside. Why don’t you enjoy the view?”

(I’m frustrated, but decide not to argue. After trying and failing to pay attention to their conversation, I do what I normally do, and what anyone else probably does and has done without the aid of their phones: I daydream. My mind takes me to the medical article I was reading and branches out in crazy directions. After a while, however…)

Aunt: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Hm?”

(I look at my aunt, staring at me strangely.)

Aunt: “What… What are you thinking about, sweetie?”

(At that moment, I was remembering a surgical video where a doctor removed some sort of gnarly cyst from a patient’s back. Knowing that’s a squeamish and gross topic for most, I freeze.)

Me: “Uh… You don’t want to know.”

(I immediately look back out the window, but not before hearing my mom and uncle chuckle to themselves. We’re stuck driving for another hour before hitting a rest stop. After I’ve taken my bathroom break, my aunt approaches, wordlessly hands me my phone back, and passes me to use the bathroom.)

Me: “Uh…”

Mom: “Wow, I guess she really was bothered.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Uncle: “Aw, she gave you back your phone? That’s the most quiet [Aunt] has been in years!

(Turns out, I was really zoned out and hadn’t noticed when they started talking about me. Specifically, my aunt freaked out and asked my mom what was wrong with me. My aunt wasn’t used to seeing any of her own kids staying calm while doing nothing, so when she saw me sitting there, dead-eyed and perfectly still, it had creeped the crap out of her. I didn’t help matters when she asked what I was thinking about, and it caused her to stay silent most of the ride, periodically looking over her shoulder at me, unnerved by it all. On the plus side, I was able to use my phone until we reached our destination. If anything, I was surprisingly more attentive when I needed to be, compared to my cousins who complained and fought with each other when our phones ended up having bad reception!)

That’s A Good Line

, , , , | Working | April 23, 2018

(It’s a very slow Thursday at the store where I work. I am alone at the service desk, one of the other girls is on a break, and the third girl is putting away returned stock. It’s so slow that I’m surfing NAR discreetly. A woman walks up with her credit card bill in her hand.)

Customer: *looking around* “Can you help me here?”

Me: *joking* “I’m sorry, ma’am. You’ll have to wait in line.”

(I wait a beat, and then continue, as there is definitely no line.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can help you here.”

Customer: *also joking* “Oh, good, that wait was ridiculous. You need more help here!”

Me: “I know, ma’am, but labor and budgets, and blah blah blah.”

(I’ve finished her transaction, so I hand her the receipt and wish her a good day.)

Customer: “You, too. I hope it slows down a bit!”

(I cracked up and she laughed her way out the door.)

Sex Education

, , , , , | Learning | April 23, 2018

(I am a creative writing major, but because I changed my major from an English one fairly recently, I am still stuck in a seminar class for English majors and have to report my readings to that professor. The education majors are also in this particular seminar class. I have just finished reporting on research I am doing for a vampire novel I plan to write. My professor is a woman who loves dirty romance novels, as well.)

Professor: “Will there be sex in it?”

Me: “I don’t know. I’ll let the characters take me where they want to.”

Professor: *fake huffs* “You creative writing majors and your developing characters!” *turns to the next student to present; an education major* “Will there be sex in yours?”

Student: “Oh, God, I hope not!”

Unfiltered Story #109340

, , | Unfiltered | April 23, 2018

(This takes place in an AP class, and our AP tests are a little over a month away. Due to our teacher’s poor planning skills, we’re trying to get through the seven remaining chapters before the AP test, our teacher figuring that it would do us more good to get small glimpses of all the material instead of actually learning a few chapters. Given this logic, I ask my teacher this at the end of class:)

Me: “So, if your goal here is for us to see all of the remaining material before the AP test, wouldn’t it be more logical to not have any more tests in class until then?”

(My teacher then takes a moment to consider this, and, as my classmates all heard this, the guy who sits in front of me stands up, starts clapping, and says this:)

Guy in front of me: “Give her an Oscar!”

(And then one of his friends also started clapping and my teacher seriously considered my suggestion. He decided to continue talking about it tomorrow. Fingers crossed!)

Unfiltered Story #109338

, , | Unfiltered | April 23, 2018

(My husband has recently joined me on the couch while I’m watching TV. I’m watching a home improvement show that he has no interest in personally.)

Me: “I know you don’t really like this show, but it’s almost done.”

Husband: “It’s fine.”

(I shift around to find the remote and move it well out of his reach.)

Husband: *while laughing* “That is the rudest thing I think you’ve ever done.”

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