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Thinking Outside The (Definitely Not Leaking) Box

, , , , , , , , | Working | February 6, 2023

In 1962, the bathroom in our apartment had a toilet with a wooden box above it; one pulled a chain attached to that box to flush it. The box began to leak, so I called the landlord, who sent over a plumber. The plumber walked in with a hat on and, without doing anything, proceeded to tell me the box didn’t leak.

Me: *Angrily* “Take off your hat, sit on the toilet, pull the chain, and tell me again that it doesn’t leak.”

He refused, so I closed and locked the door from the outside.

Me: “Let me know when you’ve done what I asked.”

I left for work. Later, I got a call from my roommate who said she had been awakened by pounding from the inside of the bathroom and had let the person out.

Then, my landlord called me.

Landlord: “[Plumber] refuses to come back, but he assured me that the box doesn’t leak.”

Me: “Do you really think I would waste your time and mine by calling if the box didn’t really leak?”

My landlord paused for a moment.

Landlord: “I’m sending over another plumber with a new box.”

Me: “Thank you!”

Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 26

, , , , , | Right | February 6, 2023

Customer: “Can I speak to a man?”

Me: “I can help you with your query, sir.”

Customer: “No, I need a man. A woman wouldn’t understand.”

Me: “If I’m not the one to help you, then I can find someone who can.”

Customer: “I need to talk about things that were invented by men, so women wouldn’t understand.”

Me: “So, you’re saying men can only understand things invented by men? Does that mean women can only understand things made by women?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “Well then, I have some bad news for you, sir, since that means you shouldn’t know anything about circular saws, life rafts, fire escapes, coffee filters, windshield wipers, Wi-Fi, and space rocket propulsion systems!”

Related:
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 25
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 24
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 23
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 22
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 21

When In Rome (Or Missouri)…

, , , , , , , | Friendly | February 6, 2023

I live in Hawaii. In 2019, a friend of mine flew my wife and me out to Independence, Missouri, to attend his wedding which was taking place in Sedalia.

When it came time for the wedding, I was to drop my wife off in Sedalia for the bachelorette party and then return to Independence for the bachelor party.

On the way to Sedalia, the car we had rented needed gas, so I pulled into a [Gas Station] on the interstate and got out. A customer standing nearby spoke to me.

Customer: “Hey, your gas tank is on the wrong side for that pump.”

Me: “Oh, that’s all right. I don’t mind.”

Customer: “No, you can’t use that pump.”

Me: “What? I’m sure it will be fine.” *Laughs*

Customer: “I can guarantee you it won’t be.”

Me: “It will be. I’m sorry, but I am in a hurry.”

The man shrugged and turned away.

I scanned my card and grabbed the hose. Once the pump was in my hand, I confidently walked around the car, and the pump stopped dead, yanking me back so I nearly fell over into the car, dropping the nozzle.

Customer: “Was it fine?”

I never stopped to consider that the hose for the pump couldn’t extend. In Hawaii, every gas station has a reel system that allows the hose to extend and retract so that the driver can pump on either side of the car.

This [Gas Station] did not; the hose length was all you got.

Me: “It doesn’t… extend…”

Customer: “I tried to tell you.”

Me: “You tried to tell me…”

Customer: “Yup.” 

Me: “Yup.”

I got back into the car and pulled around to the other side, fueled up, and left. 

The moral of the story? Listen to the locals.

We’re Not Paying For Your Mistake And We Will Drive That Point Home

, , , , , , | Right | February 6, 2023

I am an assistant manager at a drive-thru car wash. A lady comes up to me.

Customer: “Can I speak to the manager?”

Me: “I’m the assistant manager today, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting for ten minutes, and no one has come to help me!”

Apparently, she has been sitting at one of our pay stations.

Me: “Ma’am, it’s self-service, and you need to back out from there.”

She backs out, and in doing so, she backs into a curb and scuffs up her rim.

Customer: “You told me to back out! This is your fault! You have to pay for this!”

Me: “No, ma’am, we will not be paying for damages you made to your car for your poor driving.”

Customer: “This was your fault!”

Me: “If you were to come into our parking lot and kill someone with your car due to your poor driving, it wouldn’t be us charged with vehicular manslaughter. It would be you. You hit the curb, so you will need to pay to fix the damages yourself. You can now leave.”

Customer: *Angry* “I will be back!”

I immediately called my manager and told him what happened and what I said word for word. He laughed.

The customer came back the next day and the owner was actually there. He got a kick out of my analogy, as well, and told the lady off. I loved that job.

Shake The Salt Shaker And Shake Up The Internet

, , , , , , , , | Right | February 6, 2023

A few months after we have cameras installed, a group comes in consisting of three adults and two kids who are maybe six or seven. They order and sit at two tables to wait. The adults are at a four-seater table and the kids are at a two-seater right next to them.

Immediately, all of the adults bury themselves in their phones, not paying any attention to the kids. The kids decide it’s a dandy idea to play with the salt and pepper shakers by crashing them into each other. A cashier walks over to very obviously clean a nearby table, giving the adults the opportunity to step in and stop the kids from roughly playing with glass.

Crickets from the adults. They’re too busy on their phones.

The cashier walks over to the kids’ table with a huge smile and takes the shakers OFF THE TABLE.

Cashier: *With a big grin* “Don’t want you to get hurt, guys!”

As she walks away with the shakers, the kids start complaining to Mom. It takes Mom a minute to even look up ’cause, you know, HER PHONE.

Mom: *To the cashier* “Why are you so mean? The kids weren’t doing anything wrong!

Blah, blah, blah. Their food is ready, and they go out ranting and moaning.

Mom: “Well, we were gonna stay and eat, but because you’re so rude, now we’re not!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is a win.

Mom: “And we’re never coming back!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is an even bigger win!

Later in the day, Mom ups the ante. She goes to our Facebook to tell her version of what happened.

Mom: “The cashier screamed at my kids! She wrenched the shakers out of their hands and nobody apologized!”

By the time any of us noticed, there were already a few comments, all on her side. Oh, poor kids, the cashier should be fired, you should have gotten your food for free, they owe you an apology, every retail worker on the face of the earth doesn’t want to work anymore, they and all their family members should die in a fire, etc. It was the standard Internet commentary from people who weren’t there, assumed they knew everything, and had absolutely zero chill.

My IT team — basically my two sons and a nephew — uploaded the footage of what REALLY happened. About the only thing Mom didn’t lie about was that they were there and nobody apologized as there was nothing to apologize for. Nobody screamed, the cashier was showing her pearly whites, and nobody “wrenched” the shakers out of the kids’ hands. BUT someone was more interested in her phone than watching her kids. It showed the kids trying to get her attention and her shooing them away.

The next morning, there were about four phone messages from Mom begging us to take down the video. She was getting roasted and toasted online and begged us to pleeeeeeeeeease take it down NOW.

We did eventually take it down… about a month later.