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I’m Your Roommate, Not Your Mother, Remember?

, , , , , , , , , | Learning | October 3, 2022

In my first semester of college, my roommate and I have the same class at 8:00 am. For the first few weeks, we get ready and walk there together. Then, one day, it’s about 7:45, and [Roommate] is still sleeping.

Me: “Hey, you might want to wake up. Class starts in a few minutes.”

Roommate: “Oh, my God, how rude are you?! I’m an adult. If I want to skip class and sleep in, I will. You’re not my mom! Don’t ever wake me up again!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you weren’t going. I won’t worry about you anymore.”

That and a few other things [Roommate] does make me realize I do not like her all that much. We stop trying to be friends and just live together. She often skips class or shows up late, and I never say anything about class again.

Another few weeks go by, and it’s an exam day. I have gotten into the habit of leaving early and going to a coffee shop in the morning. Even on the days that [Roommate] makes it on time, she is still asleep when I leave in the morning, so I don’t think anything about her still being asleep at 7:15 when I leave. I get back home a few hours later and she is asleep. I think she must have gone back to bed after class.

A few days later, I come home.

Roommate: “What the f*** is wrong with you?! We had a test on Friday and I missed it! Now I’m failing! Why didn’t you wake me up?! I can’t believe how rude you are that you can’t take a second out of your morning to wake me up for class.”

Me: “How was I supposed to know to wake you up? The last time I tried, you yelled and told me to never do so again. You’re always still asleep when I leave in the morning, so I didn’t know you were not going to get up.”

Roommate: “Not waking me up did not apply to test days! You could have at least told me about the test!”

Me: “It’s on the schedule and was announced in class for the week prior. You should have known we had a test.”

Roommate: “Obviously not, since I wasn’t awake. Now I’m probably going to have to retake the class, and it’s all your fault!”

Me: “Okay, well, I have lunch plans. See you later.”

She never missed another class again.

Way More Exciting Than Your Average College Party

, , , , , , , , , | Right | September 27, 2022

My roommate and I, along with a handful of other guys at the dorms, couldn’t figure out what we wanted to do on a Saturday night. We’d only been in school for about a month and some were in the mood to party.

Half of the group was begging to have us go out and find parties, but the other half of us didn’t want to. We were all freshmen, so we were only eighteen or nineteen years old and not old enough to legally drink. The handful of parties that had been going on since school started had been pranks on underage students. Basically, people old enough to buy alcohol would set up a party, invite freshmen and sophomore students, and let people get their drink on. A few hours into the party, all the people that lived at the house where the party was taking place would leave and call the cops and get all the underage students busted.

With that in mind, we all eventually just agreed not to bother with trying to find a party. None of us wanted to eat at the dorm cafeteria; the food was okay but not something we all enjoyed eating every day.

We decided to order pizza from a local pizza place about a mile away. The pizza place had a deal where you get your pizza in thirty minutes or it’s free. We put in an order for four large pizzas, and once the order was placed, we started a timer.

The pizza place was usually pretty fast, and you’d see your order at around the twenty-minute mark. Twenty minutes came and went, and there was no pizza delivery guy yet. Then, twenty-five minutes and still no delivery guy.

Some of us were getting excited; it might be free pizza night if the delivery guy didn’t show up in the next five minutes. We all went outside to wait.

When the pizza place had three minutes left, some random student came from around the corner of the dorm building, laughing.

Student: “Come look at this pizza guy running up the street!”

We all went around the corner and, sure enough, there was a pizza delivery guy holding up a bag of pizzas and running up the sidewalk at a full sprint.

One of the guys in our group started a countdown to the thirty-minute mark when there were only thirty seconds left. The pizza guy came around the corner of the dorm building as fast as his feet could carry him. He stopped in front of the building, took a second to catch his breath, and belted out:

Pizza Guy: “I have a delivery for [Student Who Ordered]!”

Countdown Guy: “That’s for us! You only had seven seconds left before the thirty-minute delivery time was up!”

Pizza Guy: “My car wouldn’t start, and I only had about five minutes left to get the pizzas to you, so I just started running!”

We were pretty impressed that he had run almost a full mile in about five minutes, all while carrying four large pizzas. We didn’t have much money between us, but we ended up tipping him about an extra $20 for the hard work he put in to get the pizzas to us in time.

A Whole Stairwell Full Of Wholesome Shenanigans

, , , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2022

Back in college, our dorm had a security guard that was nearing retirement age. He was a nice enough fellow who was always pretty fair. What he hated was when kids got drunk and started getting loud, causing disturbances. It always created a bunch of paperwork that he hated but his superiors demanded it every time he left the front desk.

My entire floor was full of students who were taking fairly hard classes for degrees in pre-med, engineering, teaching, pre-law, etc. We were a pretty serious group and very focused on our studies, so we never caused any trouble.

One hot night, we all had our room doors open because we had no air conditioner. We were all mostly stressed out due to finals. All of a sudden, I heard some loud voices from the stairwell. I and many others went to investigate. Several of our floormates were trying to run Slinkies down the steps. These are metal or plastic spring-like children’s toys. The old commercials would show that you could make them “walk” down steps. Someone had a box of about a dozen of them, but they couldn’t get it to work right. Before long, we had over thirty college kids all in the stairwell trying to get these things to work.  

Suddenly, the security guard came running up from the bottom floor. When he saw what was going on, he just stopped, looking at us with puzzlement.  

After we explained what we were doing, he turned around, shaking his head, and as he walked away, we heard him mumbling in a rather aggravated tone.

Security Guard: “No, couldn’t be normal college kids just getting drunk. How the heck am I going to write this up in a report that would be believable?”

A Classic Comeuppance

, , , , , , | Learning | March 12, 2022

This isn’t my story, but rather one my high school economics teacher told me.

When my teacher was in college, he didn’t have a lot of money to his name. He had to work part-time just to cover his tuition and the bare essentials. However, there was one luxury he afforded himself: shampoo. When possible, he’d buy himself a bottle of super-fancy salon-grade shampoo.

Unfortunately, as anyone who’s ever lived in a dorm will tell you, when you live with a bunch of college dudes, people will invariably manhandle your stuff. When my teacher was going to take his regular showers, he’d pick up his fancy shampoo bottle and notice it was distinctly lighter than the last time he held it. Obviously, he was rationing it out for himself, which meant someone else was using it.

He went to his dormmates in the common room to make a case.

Teacher: “Hey, guys, has anyone been using my shampoo?”

Guy #1: “Nope.”

Guy #2: “Not me.”

Guy #3: “No.”

Teacher: “Okay, well, I think someone might have been using it, so if you are, please stop.”

Days went by, and the shampoo bottle continued to drain away. He asked his dormmates several more times, reminding them that that shampoo was literally the one nice thing he can afford, but none of them admitted it. 

Finally, my teacher decided to take the kid gloves off; if they wouldn’t tell him, he had another way of sussing out the thief. There was still a bit of shampoo left in the bottle, so he popped the top and poured in a teensy bit of laundry bleach. He left the bottle in its usual spot and went to hang out in the common room.

Later in the day, he was doing nothing in particular with two of his dormmates when a scream sounded from the bathroom, followed by loud, angry footsteps down the stairs. It was [Guy #3], and he had a gigantic blonde streak in his hair.


And then my teacher, with a mask of absolute calm, turned to [Guy #3] and asked:

Teacher: “Why are you blaming me for that?”

[Guy #3] opens his mouth to speak and then stuttered. It is at this moment that he realized my teacher had checkmated him; if he said he’d gotten the bleach streak from the shampoo, he’d out himself as a thief in front of the whole dorm. After a bit of angry stuttering and posturing, [Guy #3] stomped off wordlessly.

Nobody ever touched my teacher’s shampoo again after that.

Ah, Capitalism

, , , , , , | Right | February 4, 2022

I love cooking; it’s something that has helped me massively at university. Even on a budget, I can make a whole week of meals in batches, and they taste pretty good. That turns out so well that I start selling meals to other students. I don’t charge much at all; sometimes I just use the leftovers for a meal for me.

Student: “I’m having a party. Could you do some food?”

Me: “I tend to do odd meals, not whole parties. How many people are coming?”

Student: “I don’t know, whoever turns up.”

Me: “That doesn’t help much. How much have you got to spend?”

Student: “I don’t know, £50? Can you do me a discount?”

Me: “No, no discounts. I buy the food and take a tiny bit for my time and electricity.” 

Student: “Well, how much can you do?”

Me: “I will let you know.”

I look into it and initially struggle, but I work out that if I add the £50 to my normal shopping bill, I can buy bigger batches cheaper. This would give us both more food for our money. I let the guy know how much he will be getting, and he seems happy.

He pays, and I make and deliver the food. I’m pretty happy as it’s more than I thought, it tastes good, and I have a little extra for myself.

A few weeks later:

Student: “I’ve heard you’re selling my party food.”

Me: “I made extra. I’m selling that.”

Student: “But I paid for that; it’s mine.”

Me: “No, you paid for the food you received and were happy about it. You got plenty of food for your money.”

Student: “I’m telling everyone you’re stealing from them.”

Me: “I knew this would happen. Here is the receipt. This is what I used to cook your food. Look familiar?”

He gives me a blank stare.

Me: “See how the amount is more than the £50 you gave me? That is because I bought more than I needed, and what was left over, I used to make the stuff I’m selling.”

Student: “But you’re profiting from my food.”

Me: “What, did you expect me to do it for free?”

Student: “This isn’t on. I’m telling everyone.”

Me: “Tell people I’m selling food for a profit, using my time, my expertise, and my electricity bill. Yeah, I’m sure that they will be appalled.”

He tried to start a massive slander movement against me, but unsurprisingly, people didn’t care and continued to buy from me. If anything, I think business went up a little bit. I didn’t see him the next year, so I can only assume he dropped out. The fact he was studying business makes it all the more obvious why.