Even Crazier That He Is Jack The Ripper

, , , , , | Friendly | December 18, 2019

(My friend and I like watching classic movies. This time we’re watching “12 Angry Men.” There’s a scene where Juror #2 has a monologue. He’s a tiny, meek, bald guy with glasses and a distinctly high, squeaky voice.)

Me: “Do you recognize that voice?”

Friend: “Uh… no?”

Me: “Well, you should. That’s Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.

(I then watch in amusement as it takes a couple of seconds for the voice to register in his head, and then his eyes bug out and his jaw drops.)

Friend: “Oh… my… God!”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, have fun trying not to think about that every time he speaks now.”

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The Only Thing Blaring Is The Neighbor

, , , , , | Learning | December 8, 2019

(It is my first semester of freshman year. I live in a first-year dorm, but it is apartment-style, meaning the door from the hallway opens to a living room and kitchen and there is another door leading to my bedroom. During finals week, “24-hour quiet hours” are enforced, basically meaning that you’re not allowed to blast music or TV loud enough to be heard in the hallway or other rooms. I don’t have any finals, so I am laying in my bedroom with both doors shut watching TV when someone starts pounding on my door.)

Neighbor: “Open up!”

(I look through the peephole and recognize her as my neighbor from across the hall, so I open the door.)

Me: “What’s up?”

Neighbor: “I can’t focus with your music blaring like that!”

Me: “Um, I’m not playing music.”

Neighbor: “Don’t lie! I hear it right now!”

(Standing at the hallway door with my bedroom door open, I can just barely hear my TV playing.)

Me: “Oh, my TV? Sorry, I didn’t think it was that loud. I can turn it down some.” 

Neighbor: “You’d better!”

(She stomps off and I think that is the end of it. Fifteen minutes later:)

Resident Authority: “Campus housing!”

(I open the door, and my neighbor has brought our RA to my apartment.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Resident Authority: “Do you know about the 24-hour quiet hours going on right now?”

Me: “Yes, that’s why I’m watching TV with my bedroom door shut. Could you hear it from the hall?”

Resident Authority: “Was it playing?”

Me: “Um, yes. It’s still playing right now.”

(He pauses and listens.)

Resident Authority: “I can barely hear that.” *turns to neighbor* “Is this really what you bothered me about?”

Neighbor: “I’m trying to study for finals! I can’t focus with her TV blaring!”

Resident Authority: “I have finals, too! And I can’t focus with people knocking on my door making fake complaints! If it really bothers you that bad, campus housing gave you earplugs at the beginning of the year. Dig those out.”

Me: “So, am I good?”

Resident Authority: “Yep, have a good week, and watch TV all you want.”

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Why Don’t You Go Jump In A Lake?

, , , , , | Learning | November 15, 2019

(My dorm has a dance held in a roller skating rink every fall/winter on a Friday. I’m sleeping one Sunday morning when I wake up to a very loud “What the f***?!” yelled right outside my dorm room. When I go outside to investigate, I see my RA talking with the room down the hall from me, and I hear this conversation:)

Students: “What do you mean, ‘what the f***’?”

Resident Advisor: “You know exactly what I mean. Why is there a shopping cart in your room?”

Students: “Oh, yeah. We’ve been meaning to ask you about that; can we take it to the dance on Friday?”

Resident Advisor: “Why?”

Students: “So we can put someone in it and sling them around on the roller skating rink.”

Resident Advisor: “First off, please don’t. But second, how would you even get it there? It’s not going to fit on the bus.”

Students: “We could just leave it there the night beforehand.”

Resident Advisor: “Again, I have to tell you that you can’t do that.”

Students: “All right, but what if we put someone in it and sling the cart into the lake?”

Resident Advisor: “As your RA, I have to advise against doing that. But, if you do, please take a video.”

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Unfiltered Story #173073

, , , | Unfiltered | October 25, 2019

I’m an Resident Assistant in one of the dorms eating at a table with several other RAs at breakfast about 2 weeks into the fall semester. One of the freshman on my floor recognizes me and comes over to ask me a question. His neck is so bruised from hickeys that nearly a fourth of it’s surface area varies in shades of purple.

Resident: Is there any way I can get a different bed in my room? Mine is too squeaky and any little movement I make at night wakes up both my roommate and me.

Me (struggling to keep a straight face): I’m sorry but most of the beds here make some noise or another, but if it continues to be a problem you can put in a request with maintenance.

Entire table: *stares at him with a-how stupid do you think we are-look*

Other RA: Yeah, that’s probably not going to happen.

Same Cast, Different Script

, , , , , , | Learning | September 15, 2019

(A few weeks before starting my third year of college, I have a major ankle surgery and I am naturally in a cast and on crutches when the school year begins. The dorm building I am living in has a schedule of fire drills for the year posted in the main entryway, so all residents know when the fire drills will happen. The day of the first fire drill arrives and it is pouring rain. In the morning, I talk to one of the Resident Advisors [RA #1] and show him the impossible-to-miss cast on my leg. He emails the university housing department for guidance, and the housing department replies that as long as I can get to the main entrance, I will be granted an exception from having to go outside. When the fire alarm goes off, I get to the main entrance, where [RA #2] is shouting at the top of his lungs.)

RA #2: “Come on, hurry up! Get outside, people!”

Me: *hobbling down the hallway on my crutches* “Hey, [RA #2], I’m here.”

RA #2: “Get outside! We can’t count this drill as a pass if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “I should have an exception from the housing department saying I only needed to get to the main entrance for today. You should have gotten an email about it, or you can ask [RA #1].”

RA #2: “I don’t care what the email said, and I don’t care what [RA #1] says! You need to get outside! What would you do if we had an actual fire right now?”

Me: “For a real fire, I would obviously be outside, but we all know this is a drill. I’m not going outside and ruining my cast for a drill. Talk to the housing department if you have a problem with it.”

RA #2: “We can’t pass the fire drill if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “All right, then do you mind if I go back up to my dorm to grab a garbage bag? If I’m going to go outside, I need something waterproof to wrap around my cast.”

RA #2: *now screaming in my face* “We can’t go back into the building! JUST GET OUTSIDE!”

Me: *shoving him back with my crutch* “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll go outside, but I’m informing you now that I’ll be charging you the cost of my cast replacement since you’re refusing to follow a written instruction from the housing department granting me an exception from going outside today. You’ll hear from my family’s attorney after I get the bill for the cast replacement.”

RA #2: *somehow only now noticing my cast for the first time* “Oh. You’re in a cast? Then… I guess… you can stay inside this time, since it’s only a drill.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I still sent in an official complaint to the housing department about [RA #2]. He received a pretty heavy talking-to for the incident, and he completely avoided me for the rest of the year.)

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