They Need To Be Batter Prepared For College

, , , , | Learning | September 18, 2017

(I just moved into one of the freshmen dorms at my university. This dorm has a tiny kitchen on the ground floor off the main room, and I go there my first night to fill up my water filter. There’s a group of other residents already there, haphazardly baking cupcakes to celebrate moving in.)

Girl #1: “How much time until those pans are done?”

Guy #1: *checking the oven* “Um… a couple more minutes? Wait, oh man! We don’t have any oven mitts, do we?! Guys, how will we get the pans out?!”

Me: *watching him freak out* “Do you have kitchen towels?”

Guy #1: “Huh? Yeah, we have a couple.”

Me: “Just use those as mitts.”

Guy #1: “…wow. You’re right. Thanks!”

Girl #2: “Crap, we’re going to have so many cupcakes. We don’t have space to store all of them, do we?”

Girl #1: “I mean, there’s no way we’re eating them all tonight. Should we leave them in here?”

Me: “You could give them to your friends, or just hand them out around the dorm.”

Girl #2: “Oh, yeah, that would be nice! Let’s do that.”

Guy #2: “Uh, guys, look how much batter we still have. It’s going to take all night to make these.”

Guy #1: “Aw, geez, we made way too much… but we can’t just throw it all away. What do we do?”

Me: *now staring at them* “Are we allowed to put stuff in the fridge?”

Girl #2: “Yeah. I mean, I don’t see why not. It’s here, after all.”

Me: “So, why not cover the bowl and put it in the fridge for tonight? You can bake the rest tomorrow when you have more time.”

Guy #1: *looking at the fridge like I just revealed the secret to life* “Man, you’re so smart!”

Me: “…Thanks.”

(These are the students this university accepted. I am currently questioning my life choices.)

Stuck In Residential Limbo

, , , , | Friendly | September 12, 2017

(I am a resident assistant in the biggest residence hall at my school. We have over 650 residents and 14 RAs. We have our first fire drill of the year, and most of the students are freshmen, so they have no idea what to do. We are supposed to get everyone out of the building and have them gather in a parking lot across the street. One resident is lingering by the parking gate with his friends.)

Me: “Hey, you gotta go to the back of the parking lot. If this was a real fire, we’d need to get as far away from the building as possible.”

Resident: “What if I don’t want to?”

Me: “Then you’d die, or get written up.”

(He seems to consider it for a moment.)

Resident: “What if I limbo there?”

Me: “Be my guest.”

(He tries to “limbo” under the parking gate, but it’s too low and he falls down.)

Me: *jokingly* “You failed. That’s a write-up.”

Resident: “Aw, darn.”

(He obligingly goes to the back of the parking lot with everyone else. The next day, I’m manning the front desk when the same resident comes up to swipe his card. When he sees me, he gets noticeably uncomfortable.)

Resident: “Hey, uh… are you really going to write me up for that?”

Me: “What? No, I was joking.”

Resident: “Oh, good! I was so scared, because you’re normally so nice, but it’s the nicest people who are always the scariest.”

(I decided to take that as a compliment.)

Whipped Cream And Pee Jars And Tag, Oh My!

, , , , , | Learning | September 10, 2017

(I am one of three RAs in a freshman dorm. I am talking to one of the SRAs (Senior RA) as my shift ends, when I see three freshman residents exiting the elevator, covered in whipped cream.)

SRA: “What happened, guys?”

Freshman #1: “I want to switch roommates!” *The other freshmen pipe up loudly that they, too, want to switch roommates.*

SRA: “Did your roommates do this to all of you? Did you do anything to them first?”

Freshman #2: “Well, we’ve been collecting bottles of our pee and placing it in their clothing, and under their bed sheets, but they started it first!”

(The SRA looks at me as this guy is talking, knowing there’s going to be a s***-ton of paperwork and meetings over this.)

Me: “Tag, you’re it!” *walks away*

(Don’t worry, I’m not a horrible RA. I came back with coffee for the SRA and we sorted this out together. I just wanted to see her reaction when she thought I left her.)

They Ruled Out Everything

, , , , , | Learning | September 7, 2017

I am a resident assistant at my college. The school is VERY particular about alcohol violations, and there is a specific way you have to handle them. For example, if we suspect that a resident is drinking in the hall, we aren’t allowed to do anything unless we physically see them drinking it. There are lots of other rules as well that are pretty common sense, such as no pets other than fish or no open flames. This group somehow managed to break almost all of them.

I was the RA on call, meaning that if there was a problem, then I was the first point of contact. I was sitting at the front desk, chatting with another RA, when she got a text from a friend who lives in the building. The friend saw some girls drinking in their room, and being loud and obnoxious. My coworker told me to go up and check on them.

When I got to the room, I noticed several things wrong. First of all, their door was wide open, so I could see right into the room. The dorms consisted of two bedrooms connected by a common area, and the door opened directly into the common area. It was a total mess, which isn’t a crime in and of itself, but there were alcohol bottles everywhere, and no residents to be seen, though I could hear them talking in another room. I knocked on the door, and one of the girls came into the common area. I informed her that she wasn’t allowed to have any alcohol bottles in her room. She insisted that it was allowed because they were just for decoration, and I told her that it was still against the rules. (You couldn’t have any alcohol or drug apparatus, even if it was completely empty and strictly decor).

At that point I called my supervisor, who showed up some time later with two Public Safety officers. Even though what we could see was restricted to the common area, the officers had to search the whole suite, just in case. While they started looking, my supervisor gathered all the girls in the common area and started to document their IDs. The whole time, they were extremely belligerent and disrespectful, and kept insisting that she had no “right” to do this.

It turns out, the situation was much more than a few empty wine bottles. The officers found several half-empty beer bottles, a pipe, and a bong WITH some weed still inside. Upon further inspection, my supervisor found a cage, out in regular view, containing several mice- definitely not an approved pet. While I was standing there waiting for them to finish, I looked over and noticed several open candles on a table as well. The cherry on the cake? They’d taken one of the floor signs, which had fallen from its place next to the stairwell, and hung it on the wall as decoration. Aside from being a rather tacky addition, it was also blatant theft of school property.

In the end, the girls were written up and given a court date. They were livid, but I had zero sympathy for them.

Dropped Class So They Could Come To Class

, , , , , | Learning | August 25, 2017

(It is well into my second year at university when I get a text from a friend from high school who goes to a college nearby. My friend is taking one course per semester at this college but always seems stressed.)

Friend: “Hey, wanna meet up?”

Me: “I have tutorial but maybe on the weekend?”

Friend: “Oh, I don’t mind coming to your tutorial.”

Me: “There’s, like, 25 of us in the tutorial. The TA will know you don’t belong there.”

Friend: “I don’t mind.”

(I end up talking her out of that but she is constantly texting me to meet up with her or she wants to sit in on my classes. It wouldn’t be a problem if there were 400 kids but my major is an honours program so, year-by-year, hundreds of students are cut. So far there are around 200 kids in the class and it’s a full year course so the professor generally knows us. Eventually, I get sick of her inviting herself to my classes.)

Me: “Don’t you have class?”

Friend: “Oh, I dropped out because I needed to catch up on sleep, but now I’m bored!”

Me: “You can get always get a job. I can help you make a résumé.”

Friend: “Girl, I dropped out because there was too much work and I didn’t get enough sleep. I’m not gonna get a job!”

(I don’t mind people taking care of their mental health but if you do so, maybe go see a therapist, not sit in on classes you didn’t/couldn’t actually take or handle.)

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