Skirting Around Lifestyle Choices

, , , , | Friendly | December 10, 2018

(My husband has recently taken to wearing a kilt. This happens soon after at a boosktore.)

Customer: “Oh, I like your skirt!”

Husband: “Um, it’s a kilt.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to say I support your lifestyle.” *facepalms* “I’m just making it worse, aren’t I?”

Will Not Tire Of This Story

, , , | Friendly | December 9, 2018

(My twin brother is mentally handicapped, so he lives in a complex which provides housing and work for people like him. One day, I am visiting. His roommates are watching a reality show about driving. The most talkative roommate starts chatting with me.)

Me: “Those people are making a mess of it, aren’t they?”

Roommate: “Yes. I once saw a car that was wrongly parked.”

Me: “Oh, did you?”

Roommate: “Yeah. So I put a note on it, ‘Sir, you are not allowed to park here.’”

Me: “Ha! Serves him right.”

Roommate: “And then I slashed all four of his tires.”

Pray For His Bladder

, , , , | Friendly | December 8, 2018

(On a road trip with a friend, we both find ourselves in need of a restroom. My friend has an especially urgent need, since he had a large soda with lunch. After several more miles, we finally spot a service station. We exit the highway, pull into the station, and make a beeline for the men’s room. After I finish, I go over to the sink to wash my hands, but I see that my friend is still at his urinal.)

Me: “Hey, aren’t you done yet?”

Friend: *not looking up* “Didn’t you see the sign outside? With eight gallons, you get a free car wash!”

Even The Ghosts Thought That Was Cold

, , , , , | Friendly | December 7, 2018

(My friends and I have joined in on a tour of a hotel supposedly haunted by a little boy. The tour is being run by a group that has a few married couples. It’s decided that a group of females will go into the room where the little boy is supposed to be. There is one woman acting as lead.)

Leader: *addressing the ghost* “If you would like to make yourself known or even seen, we wish you no harm. We are all mothers here…” *even louder and with a b****y undertone* “…except for those who can’t actually have children.”

(I wonder why she would even toss that comment in. We wait about ten minutes with no action, so we move out into the pitch-black hall to get ready to move to the next part of the tour. A few minutes later, my friend hears a noise in another hallway off from where we are waiting. She quickly snaps a picture up the hall.)

Friend: “Oh, my God! Look at this!” *shows us a picture of two people embracing* “Um, isn’t that [Lead]’s husband and [Other Woman]? Are they having an affair?”

Me: “Wait a minute. It looks like she’s crying; he could simply be comforting her. I wondered who [Lead] aimed that comment at, about someone not being able to have babies.”

Friend: “Oh, she did say that, didn’t she? I thought I misheard her.”

Me: “I was standing next to her.”

Other Friend: “I must have missed that comment, but I did wonder why [Other Woman] got up and walked out of the room.”

 

Should Have Read More Into Sports

, , , , , | Friendly | December 6, 2018

Shortly after I move to Newcastle, a taxi driver and I have a chat about what he tells me is a historical problem with poor education in the town. He says that he personally knows a lot of guys from his school who left practically unable to read and write — he is probably in his mid-fifties. We agree that this is awful and talk about how there are lots of supports nowadays for adult learners.

That weekend, I am queuing to go into a pub when I see a sign saying the “Newcastle Reading Championship” is on in the pub that night. I think how it’s great that there is a celebration of adult learners, but I do think it’s kind of strange they are doing it in a pub.

When I get into the bar, I see a crowd of football supporters watching Newcastle playing Reading in a Championship game.

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