Almost The Wedding Of Their Dreams

, , , | Friendly | November 17, 2019

(I start helping my mom in her office as an assistant. We don’t tell the clients about our relationship, but some of our closest clients notice our similarities and guess it on their own. There is this one client who is very keen on having me as his daughter-in-law; he introduces me to his son, asks me to show his son — recently back from studying abroad — around our city — to which request I say a firm no — and asks me to come to his house for documents signing — my mom forbids me to go. Fast forward a few years: we are still in a good relationship with the client and we get an invitation to his son’s wedding. My mom goes to the wedding — the kind of wedding where the parents of both bride and groom are standing right next to the bride and groom, and guests are expected to queue to greet them — and after queuing for some time, she finally gets to greet her clients.)

Mom: “Hi, Mr. [Client]. Congratulations on your son’s wedding!”

Client: “Thank you for coming!” *to his wife* “This is Mrs. [Mom], the one who helped us with [case].”

Client’s Wife: *in full hearing of everyone nearby, including her son and her new daughter-in-law* “Ooh, thank you for coming. Too bad we are not meant to be in-laws!”

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Never, EVER Hire Her As A Babysitter

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2019

(I’m in beauty school, currently in the hairdressing program. For those who don’t know, this is a program that comes with quite a bit of equipment — everything from combs and a hairdryer to a “mannequin head” on which to practice haircuts and styles. I have a suitcase that I can fit most of my tools into, but my mannequin head doesn’t quite fit. Picture a young woman with hot pink hair carrying what is essentially a disembodied plastic head around on the bus every morning and evening. On this particular occasion I’m gathering up all my stuff to get off the bus, and I pick up my mannequin head by the hair, as that tends to be the easiest, most secure way to hang onto it. As I lift the head, the woman sitting across from me makes this cheerful comment:) 

Woman: “I like your baby!”

Me: *thinking* “It’s actually a severed head, but okay.”

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Swim Gang!

, , , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2019

(One summer evening when I’m in my late teens or early twenties, a few friends and I go to a free concert at a local public beach. During a break in the concert, two of my friends and I walk to a quieter, less crowded area of the beach to talk a bit. As we’re talking, a boy who appears to be 10 to 12 years old comes up to us. For context, all of the people involved in this story are white males.)

Boy: “Excuse me, you’re not allowed to go swimming right now. There’s no lifeguard on duty.”

(We’re fully clothed and not standing close to the water, so it should be reasonably obvious that we have no intention of going in. Nevertheless, I figure the kid is just trying to be helpful. I respond politely:)

Me: “Don’t worry; we weren’t planning to go swimming. Thanks anyway.”

(He seems satisfied with that answer and wanders off. We think this is the end of it and we go back to our conversation, but not three minutes later, the kid is back.)

Boy: “Excuse me. Are you three a gang?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Boy: “We don’t like gangs here. If you’re a gang, I’m going to have to kick you off the beach.”

(Too bewildered to say anything, we just stared at him in shock as he wandered away again. Not surprisingly, no one kicked us off the beach, but our newfound status as a “gang” became a running joke for several years thereafter.)

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BFF = Barely Friends, Frankly

, , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2019

(I am in the last few lingering weeks of high school and waiting for life to begin. I have a “BFF” who I love with my whole heart; we have experienced so much together over our formative years and thought we’d be besties for all our lives, be each other’s bridesmaids, have kids together, and go and be old ladies in a nursing home together. However, the last couple of weeks, I haven’t seen much of her and she’s been really weird to talk to. I’ve also had her boyfriend — another good friend of mine — on the phone to me in tears because she’s ghosting him, too. I’m working at a cinema taking tickets when who should wander up but my “BFF” and some guy from school, holding hands and giggling together. She looks up and sees me and looks furtive, but says hi and hands me the tickets. The tickets are for an 18+ movie, which she is not; nor is the guy. My mind is racing and my heart is kind of falling apart a bit.)

Me: “Um…”

BFF: *gives me a hopeful “go on” smile*

Me: “Um, I’m going to go and clean somewhere. Why don’t you go for a walk and come back in five minutes when someone else is here?”

(BFF looked surprised but said, “Okay,” and walked off, and I didn’t see them again that night. I don’t know how they bought the tickets without ID, I don’t know why they thought I was going to just smile and let them in, I don’t know why they chose to come to my cinema on a night she knew I was working, and I don’t know if this is a NAW, NAR, or NAWhat. I do know that I never really spoke to her after that — having spent the last five years speaking multiple times a day — and that she broke up with her boyfriend in the next couple of weeks — he found out about the other guy before I could tell him. When you’re a teen you think you have the world sorted out… until you don’t.)

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Hit The Motherlode

, , , , , , , | Friendly Romantic | November 15, 2019

(I’m in my apartment with my girlfriend playing a medieval MMO. She’s on her laptop out in the kitchen, while I’m in my office on my desktop. We’re hanging out in the starting town when a random low-level player starts following me. Note: I’m 30 and she’s 27, and we’ve both been playing this game together since high school.)

Random Player: “Hey, [My Username]!”

Me: “Yes?”

Random Player: “Free money, please?”

Me: “You can make money by killing goblins or cows, or by fishing or mining.”

Random Player: “I don’t want to do that! Give me 500k or I’ll do your mom in bed!”

Me: “Okay, that’s actually very disturbing.”

Random Player: “What, can’t handle me sleeping with your mom?”

Girlfriend: “No, he means it’s disturbing that you’re turned on by sixty-year-old married women.”

(The random player briefly stands there, silent, and then runs off without saying another word.)

Me: *shouting out of my office to my girlfriend* “You’re definitely a keeper, babe!”

(She responded by making her avatar blow my avatar a kiss in-game. A moment later, she waltzed into my office and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We have now been married for three years, and we still play that MMO together from time to time.)

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