(My friend is from New Jersey, and together we’re watching a musical set during the American Revolution.)
Character #1: “Where was the fight?”
Character #2: “New Jersey.”
Both Characters: “Everything’s legal in Jersey!”
Me: *looks at friend*
Friend: “NOTHING is legal in New Jersey.”
(I have a guy friend who sits next to me in one of my classes. He jokingly steals pencils and erasers off my desk when I’m focused on something else. He does it so often that I’ve begun to reflexively grab his arm before he takes something.)
Friend: *reaches out*
Me: *grabs arm* “What’d you steal this time?”
Friend: *pulls his arm out of my grasp, takes my hand, and kisses it* “Your heart, milady.”
Me: “Nice try. Now give me back that eraser. I know it’s under your desk.”
Friend: “F***!”
(He’s still one of my best friends.)
Friend #1: *exceedingly drunk* “I just want to lay on the fire and roast. Friend #2, lie on it with me! We can hug each other and burn like an Oreo sandwich. [My Name], do you want to watch two guys roasting on a fire?”
Me: “Uhm… I’d rather not. Besides, I’d probably munch on your corpses, and do you want your last memory to be some weird fat chick eating your body?”
Friend #1: “Dude! You’re not fat!”
Me: *laughing* “I love that THAT is what you took issue with in that whole thing.”
(I am invited to a friend’s place for a plasticware party, I am asked to bring a friend so I bring my mother. Mum has noticed that the friend has many books that are all turned backwards on her shelves, with the spine to the wall.)
Mum: “I have to ask, why are all these books turned backwards?”
Friend: “Oh, those are all Stephen King books. I used to read them until I started going to church and I realised how evil he is to have been able to write such horrible things. I won’t have them facing into the room.”
Mum: “Why don’t you just donate them somewhere?”
Friend: “Oh, no, that would mean I am passing on his evil to others.”
Mum: “You could just throw them out if you don’t like them that much.”
Friend: “But you don’t throw out perfectly good books; it’s a waste of money. I paid for those.”
(She kept shelves of books deemed unreadable and still complained about the lack of storage in her house for the books she reads.)
