Dogs Are The Best Drugs

, , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2017

(I volunteer with my dog at a rest home. We go around all the rooms and common areas interacting with the residents, especially those who love dogs. Because it’s a rest home, the residents are elderly and often ill; I am getting used to old friends passing away and new ones coming in. As I’m nearing the end of a corridor, a lady is standing in her doorway. We haven’t met her before.)

Resident: “Is that a drug dog? Are you here looking for drugs?”

Me: *jokingly* “No, why? Have you got some?”

Resident: *big, deep sigh* “Only the ones they give me, sadly.”

(Later in that same visit I accidentally walked in on two of the residents canoodling. I left that day reminded that age is no indicator of mischievousness!)

It’s Time To Throw In The Towel

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2017

(My roommate’s overbearing mother is visiting.)

Mother: “This place is trashed! Who just leaves a towel in the middle of the living room?”

(I whistled, and the “towel” lifted up its head, revealing itself to be my Shih Tzu, Moe.)

Elevating The Chances Of That Happening

, , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2017

(I’m in a large high-rise building, waiting for the elevator. I realize that, out of the multiple elevators, only one is working for the whole building. I get in on the 11th floor attempting to get to the lobby. The elevator quickly goes up, first to the 12th floor, the 14th, the 15th, etc, with one or more people getting on at most floors. It starts to get crowded, and I’m certain we’re about to hit the weight limit. The elevator starts to go down, with even more people squeezing in along the way. People are starting to shift and look nervous. Finally, towards the bottom, with around 15 people crammed into a tiny elevator that is creaking from the weight, the last three get on.)

Woman: *in the elevator* “Ooh, three more now….”

Man: *who has just entered* “Man, I hope they fix this elevator soon, because it is about to break!”

People: *in the elevator* “Anything but that!” “Don’t wish it into existence!” “Don’t even say that!”

(With perfect timing, at that exact moment the elevator dinged, and the doors opened to the lobby. Everyone started laughing. Really lightened up what had become a pretty tense ride. I hope they fix the elevator soon.)

Don’t Have To Be A Baby About It

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2017

(A friend invites me over to her apartment to hang out and watch a movie. Several other friends also show up, and her roommates, who I don’t really know, invite their friends, too. The movie chosen is the original “Rosemary’s Baby.” It’s a pretty light atmosphere as we’re watching it and some of us, especially me, make jokes through the whole thing. Most of my quips land in the “dead baby joke” arena. Fast forward to about a year later: I’m hanging out with several of the same friends again, and the name of some girl I don’t know comes up.)

Friend: “Oh, yeah, [Girl] just hates [My Name].”

Me: “Uh, excuse me? Who is this?”

Friend: “You don’t remember [Girl]?” *gives a physical description*

Me: “I have no idea who that is.”

Friend: “Well, she was at my apartment that night we all watched Rosemary’s Baby. She was really mad at you because of all the dead baby jokes you were making, as she’d just had an abortion that morning.”

Me: “I’m at a loss for words to describe how little of that is my problem.”

Khan’t Be Serious

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2017

(I go to eat at a buffet-style Mongolian restaurant with “Genghis” in the name on my lunch break. During the meal, I can’t help but overhear a nearby table.)

Patron: “When in Genghis, do as the Genghans do.”

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