I’m in the movie theater, watching ‘The Dark Knight’ on opening weekend, so it’s a packed auditorium. Anyone who has seen the movie knows that the movie, while technically PG-13, is sooooo close to being R-rated you can practically feel it, with one scene demonstrating this involving a pencil.

The scene has played out, with The Joker character stating he will perform a trick to make the pencil disappear… and then he does so, involving some unfortunate henchman’s head.

Everyone in the auditorium gasps and guffaws at the scene, and then we hear one tiny little voice from a little boy:

Little Boy: “Dad? Where did the pencil go?”

A few people in the auditorium laugh.

Dad: *Quiet.* “He… uh… made it disappear. Now shush!”

Little Boy: *Louder.* “But where? Daaaad! I don’t get the trick?”

Dad: *Quiet.* “I’ll tell you after the movie! Be quiet?”

Little Boy: *Louder still.* “But Daaaad!”

Suddenly, a random moviegoer in the auditorium says as loudly as the boy:

Moviegoer: “It’s up in some bad guy’s braaaain, little guy!”

Cue more laughter, but no more questions from the little boy… until after the movie. The second the end credits start rolling:

Little Boy: “Daaaad! You said you would tell me after the movie!?”

Parents, please don’t bring seven-year-olds to hard PG-13s…

The congregation is gathering before the service starts. I overhear a little girl a few pews behind me say:

Little Girl: “God d*** it!”

Little Girl’s Mom: “You can’t say that! That’s basically the opposite of what you’re allowed to say in Church!”

There’s a moment of pause, where I think the lesson has sunk in, when the little girl says:

Little Girl: “Fine then, Satan bless it!”

Related:
The Devil’s In The Details, Part 4
The Devil’s In The Details, Part 3
The Devil’s In The Details, Part 2
The Devil’s In The Details

I’m talking to my neighbor about our dogs and how well they play together.

Neighbor: “They’re both different breeds, but they get along like brothers.”

Me: “Well, they all come from wolves at the end of the day.”

Neighbor: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, all dogs evolved from wolves.”

Neighbor: “Then why are there still wolves?”

Me: “Not every wolf evolved.”

Neighbor: “That’s so stupid. This is why evolution is just a scam.”

Me: “Your family is from Europe originally, right?”

Neighbor: “Yeah?”

Me: “Since Americans came from Europe, why are there still Europeans?”

Neighbor: “I…” *Suddenly calls his dog inside and doesn’t come out for the rest of the day.*

I’m at a baseball game watching my MLB (Major League Baseball) team. We are playing a particular team from New York that is known worldwide. Too often, their fans come to our city and act like jerks. There is a New York fan behind us who has been extremely loud and annoying the entire game. Every few seconds, he’s making comments about how much Canada sucks or how amazing his team is.

Thankfully, his buddies seem aware that he’s being an idiot and frequently tell him to quiet down. During this game, my team is ahead 2-0 in the third inning when we give up a couple of hits, and the opposing team now has runners at first and second with only one out. Now the annoying fan starts to get boastful!

Fan: “Yeah…. my boy, [Player #1] is going to hit a triple and shut you f****** Canadians right up! You guys suuuuuck!”

Fan #1: “Dude, shut up!”

Fan #2: “Come on, man, this s*** is getting old!”

Fan: “Ready, here it comes…”

[Player #1] then weakly grounds out to first base. Immediately, the guy behind us starts griping.

Fan: “What the h***? He was clearly safe, this is bull-s***!”

Fan #3: “Dude, he was clearly out! Just relax!”

Next up, he starts making comments about our pitcher, who, so far, is pitching a blinder!

Fan: “[Pitcher] f******* suuuuucks! That’s why you’re pitching in Canada, a**hole!”

Fan #1: “He has five strikeouts already!”

Fan: “Holy s***, [Player #2] is gonna light him up! Here we go…”

[Pitcher] strikes him out to end the inning, the guy behind immediately rises up and starts yelling!

Fan: “WHAT THE H***! THAT WAS WAY OUTSIDE! THIS GAME IS RIGGED!”

Fan #2: “Sit down!”

As the game goes on, New York falls further behind, and this guy gets more and more agitated and is running out of insults! Then one of our veteran players steps up.

Fan: “This guy’s old as time, he f****** sucks; you should just retire a**hole!”

He then hits a home run to put us even further in front!

Fan: “THIS TEAM STILL F****** SUCKS!”

He was very quiet for the rest of the game. When I next got up to go to the bathroom, I saw he’d left, but his buddies were still there! The rest of the game was pleasant!

My dog locked me out one day by stepping on the door lock button on the door armrest. A guy watching from across the parking lot came over and offered to help.

He unscrewed the radio antenna from the fender, pulled it out at the top of the window glass until he could slide it inside, and pushed the unlock button. 

Took him less than ten seconds.

Me: “Wow. You must have done this before.”

Him: “Yeah, I do this for a living.”

I didn’t ask.