Never Disobey A Mother

, , , , , | Friendly | February 24, 2018

(My family is living in England. We’re Americans. My brother is playing on the swings when my mother calls him over.)

Mom: “[Brother]!”

(My brother ignores her, keeps playing.)

Mom: “[Brother]! Get over here!”

(My brother keeps playing.)

Mom: “[BROTHER], GET OVER HERE, NOW!”

(As brother finally stops playing and comes over, so does some random British man.)

Man: “Do you need something?”

Mom: “What? Oh, no. I was calling my son!”

Man: “Ah, I guess we have the same name!”

Mom: *bewildered* “I’m clearly a stranger to you; why did you come over?”

Man: “You called my name in the ‘Mom Voice’! You don’t ignore the ‘Mom Voice,’ no matter what nationality you are!”

Kids Have The Best Stalling Tactics

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 23, 2018

One time I was in a bathroom stall at a restaurant. A mother and her young child decided to go into the stall directly next to mine.

Suddenly, I saw this little, tiny kid basically crawling under our conjoined stalls. I didn’t know what to do; I was shocked. Our eyes met; he was still going for it, despite me slowly shaking my head. I was so confused.

So, I reached down, placed my fingers against his forehead, and slowly pushed him back under the stall.

Only after I left the bathroom did I realize how silly that was.

It Was Or-Daned

, , , , | Friendly | February 23, 2018

(I’m driving from Miami Beach to Key West with four people that I met at a hostel in Miami Beach. I’m American, three of them are English, and the last guy is from Denmark. We’ve stopped for breakfast.)

English Friend #1: “Hey, I just realized. [Danish Friend] got an English muffin. [English Friend #2] got an Americano. Someone else needs to get a Danish pastry to complete the threesome!”

Broad-Game

, , , , , , , | Friendly | February 22, 2018

(Some of my friends are creating a board game, and they’ve asked if I could draw up their characters. I am not given a lot of physical characteristics, so I’m going by their background and storyline, as well as props they use, such as a sword. None of us are LGBT, but one character is a lesbian.)

Friend #1: “This is Sharon?”

Me: “Yeah. How do you like it? Anything you want to change?”

Friend #1: “She’s a lesbian.”

Me: “Okay. Do you want to show that, like by giving her a rainbow bracelet or something?”

Friend #1: “You can, but she still doesn’t look like a lesbian.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Friend #2: “She means give her short hair or something.”

Me: “Lesbians have all kinds of hair lengths and styles.”

(I pull out the drawing for Ava, a warrior character, whom I’ve drawn with short hair, and less busty.)

Me: “You mean, like Ava?”

Friend #1: “That looks like a lesbian!”

Friend #2: “Yeah. Switch the hair around.”

Friend #1: “Actually, why don’t you just use this drawing for Sharon, and remove the sword.”

Me: “Um… All because of the hair?”

Friend #1: “And boobs. Big boobs attract men, so lesbians want to look flatter.”

Me: *long pause* “You have stupid, stereotypical ideas!”

That’s What He Asked

, , , , , | Friendly | February 21, 2018

(My husband and I are at the theater for a popular movie that has recently come out. Even though it’s rated PG-13, there are, of course, a few parents who have brought their young children with them. Five or six seats down from us is a woman with a little boy and girl. The boy is probably around seven or eight years old.)

Character: *in the movie* “That’s what she said!”

Little Boy: “What does that mean, Mommy?”

(He said it loud enough for everyone to hear it and we all lost it. The poor kid couldn’t figure out what was so funny. I heard the flustered mom tell him she’d explain it after the movie. The movie itself was a lot funnier than I was expecting, but that was the funniest part of the whole thing.)

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