The Biggest Boob In The Room Is You

, , , , , , , | Friendly | April 23, 2018

(Overheard at the gym:)

Man: “Having big boobs when you’re fat is like having a fast car when it’s falling off a cliff.”

Woman: *obviously not impressed* “Or like having a big d**k when most of it is your personality.”

A Burning Realization

, , , , | Friendly | April 22, 2018

(My roommate and I are discussing how we’d rather die: burning or freezing.)

Roommate: “I’d much rather burn to death than freeze to death.”

Me: “Are you crazy? Freezing to death is like falling asleep.”

Roommate: “Yeah, but before you die there’s that awful feeling when you’re that cold… Sort of like a burning feeling.”

Me: “You know what else feels like burning? Fire.”

Sinfully Delicious, Part 6

, , , , | Friendly | April 21, 2018

(My significant other and I are at a friend’s house for a meal. We are eating dessert.)

Me: “Oh, I think I might be a sinner and go get a second piece.”

Friend: “Getting a second helping is a sin?”

Me: “I guess so.”

Friend: *jumping up and heading for the dessert table* “Let it never be said that I missed out on a sin.”

Sinfully Delicious, Part 5
Sinfully Delicious, Part 4
Sinfully Delicious, Part 3

This Isn’t A Shaggy Dog Story

, , , , | Friendly | April 20, 2018

(I am outside doing some yard work, when one of my neighbors stops by on her walk to say hello.)

Neighbor: “Hi, [My Name]!”

Me: “Good morning, [Neighbor]! How are you?”

Neighbor: “I’m just fine. Did you hear about the break-in over at that new neighbourhood? It’s just a couple miles down the road from us!”

Me: “No! That’s awful. When was that?”

Neighbor: “A few days ago. I guess they knew no one was home, because they tried prying the front door open with a crowbar in broad daylight!”

Me: “Oh, my God! Wait… How do you know they used a crowbar? Were there security cameras?”

Neighbor: “Well, there was a camera, but what happened was that the homeowner’s German shepherd scared the thief so badly he dropped the crowbar and took off! When they got home their dog was just sitting there next to a partially-opened door and a crowbar. He waited there the whole time until they got back, and nothing was missing from the house.”

Me: “Wow! I bet that guy won’t try that house again.”

Neighbor: “German shepherds can be very persuasive.”

It Makes Cents

, , , , | Friendly | April 20, 2018

(Once a year for a few years now, I have gone door-to-door collecting for a well-known international charity organisation. Every year, I’m given the same area to do, so I see the same houses every year. One house that always sticks out is this rickety old one that absolutely stinks of cigarettes and animal droppings. It’s home to a very old lady who makes the same bad joke every year.)

Me: “Good morning. I’m collecting for [Charity Organization].”

Woman: “Let me get my purse.”

(She left me alone for a few minutes before returning with her purse. Then she fished around in it and pulled out a single 10c coin and dropped it in my bag. She then paused to wait for a reaction, before laughing and pulling out a more substantial amount of money and dropping it in my bag. Part of me finds it a little annoying that she does the same thing every single year, but I don’t really mind. It’s a boring job, going door-to-door, and the constant rejection I receive can be a little soul-crushing at times, so I enjoy it when she tries to make me laugh, even if it is with the same bad joke year after year. It’s reached the point now where I actually look forward to knocking on her door. Thanks, random lady, if not for making me smile, then at least for breaking up the monotony of it all.)

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