An Oriented Playlist

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 22, 2019

(My job involves running a lot of errands, and while I can usually handle it myself, I know that this trip I have a lot to pick up and will need help. I’m allowed to pull another employee, so we go get in my car, which is hooked up to my phone. When I start the car, the last song I was listening to starts playing: “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by Whitney Houston.)

Coworker: “Oh, so, you’re a lesbian!”

(I burst out laughing and he was briefly concerned he’d offended me, until I explained that I was, in fact, a lesbian. I’ve just never been outed by a song before!)

Daddy Issues All Over The Country

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 21, 2019

(My family has a running joke that my dad knows everyone; this fact will be important later. I moved to Alabama from Louisiana about six months before this story. It is an eight-hour drive from one city to the other. My partner and I are three hours into the drive to visit my family when a tire pops on the interstate. Our spare is also ruined, and was supposed to be replaced a month ago at a visit to the tire shop. It takes about three hours to get to the tire shop from the interstate and to get news about the state of our tires. At this point, it’s not looking hopeful. The salesman tells us the tire and spare are both no good, and he has none in the same size. But, LUCKILY, he has a tire that was special ordered to be picked up that day, but the man who ordered it had to reschedule pickup for a few days longer. So, he sells us the tire and reorders for the other customer. We are paying, and the guy asks where we are headed:)

Me: “I’m from [City] in Louisiana, so we’re going to visit my family.”

Salesman: “That’s where I was born and raised. Who’s your kin?”

Me: “[Last Name].”

Salesman: “Oh, I went to high school with a [Dad], [Aunt], and [Cousin].

(My partner starts laughing while I just sigh.)

Me: “My dad is [Dad]. And he does literally know everyone, no matter where I go!”

Not Cutting Such A Fine Figure Yourself

, , , , | Friendly | March 20, 2019

(My partner has two young boys from his previous relationship. We take them to our local park one Saturday afternoon for a walk and let them have a bit of time in the play area. My partner goes to the play equipment with them to supervise while I sit on the wall at the side just enjoying the sunshine. I’m pretty zoned out, just relaxing, when a man comes and sits next to me. I pay him no mind and carry on just chilling until he starts speaking to me.)

Man: “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yeah, very nice.”

Man: “Nice to get the kids out for a bit, eh?”

Me: *nods head*

Man: “I see you’ve suffered from the same problem my ex-wife had.”

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

Man: *looks me up and down* “Well, you clearly didn’t get your figure back after having them two, did you? My ex-wife had the same; that’s why she’s my ex!” *laughs as if this is the most hilarious thing*

Me: *just stares at him, gob-smacked*

Man: “Better mind that man of yours doesn’t do the same, or you’ll be stuck with them boys on your own!” *winks at me*

Me: *finally regaining enough composure to respond* “Firstly, it’s none of your business; secondly, they’re not my kids; and thirdly, I think she’s better off without your judgmental a** around, to be honest!”

(With that I got up and went over to my partner, leaving that man sat on the wall looking rather shocked. When I told my partner about it, he was obviously fuming, but when I went to point the guy out he’d completely vanished. I mean, I know I’m not exactly skinny, but what on earth gives him the idea that comments like that are acceptable?!)

The Contrarian Librarian: The Childhood Years

, , , , , | Friendly | March 19, 2019

(My university has a lot of young parents attending. There are five or six private rooms in the library that kids aren’t supposed to be in, as there are a crèche and tonnes of other rooms, but my library is PACKED today. I see a woman come in with her little girl who is maybe four or five and I internally groan, thinking I’m going to lose out on a couple of hours of study. The woman sets her little girl up on the chair next to her with a little unicorn lunchbox and an iPad, plugging in some headphones for her. The little girl happily watches a show on the iPad, munches on some snacks, and grins at me when I glance over at her once, mostly to see if she is still there because she hasn’t made a single peep. I can’t help but smile back. She is honestly the quietest person in the whole room. Her mother works on her laptop for about an hour and starts packing up around the same time I do. I walk over to their table as I leave.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Girl’s Mother: *seemingly uneasy* “Yes?”

Me: “Can I just say you’ve got an awesome kid? I’ve never seen a kid her age behave that well for that long.”

(The mum smiles and thanks me, saying her partner was called into work and couldn’t watch their daughter and she was worried someone would tell them off for being in the kid-free room. The little girl suddenly takes off her headphones and says in a very loud whisper:)

Girl: “Hey, Mummy! We don’t talk in the library! Shh!”

(The mum and I burst out laughing. This kid had a better grasp of library rules than most adults. Way to raise a h*** of a kid, random university lady!)

You’ve Been Monroed

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 18, 2019

(I’m at the park with my young son and my best friend. As we are sitting down having lunch, a couple of attractive girls walk past. It’s summer, so they’re in skirts. Just as they are nearly out of earshot, my friend mutters to me.)

Friend: “Where’s a gust of wind when you want one?”

Son: *quite loudly* Daddy, why does Uncle Jay want the wind to blow those ladies dresses up?

(The ladies turned to look at us and then walked away with a look of both amusement and disgust whilst my friend and I laughed and I tried to hush my son.)

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