Encounters with friends & strangers

Some People Will Make Ice Cream Out Of ANYTHING

, , , , , | Friendly | April 19, 2021

I am on a bus waiting to take me back to my cruise ship when a very sophisticated European lady sits down with an ice cream cone. A very southern lady from the USA is seated behind her.

American Lady: “That ice cream cone looks sooo good! What kind is it?

The European lady answers in a heavy accent.

European Lady: “Mango.”

The southern lady looks very shocked as she repeats what she thinks she heard.

American Lady: “Mountain goat?!”

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Life Goals: A Bathroom For Every Butt

, , , , | Friendly | April 17, 2021

I rent a room in a large house. I’m the only guy in a house full of women, so it makes sense that I have the room with an en suite and the rest of the women share the much bigger bathroom. It works out okay, actually. I have more space but I sweeten the deal by buying extra toiletries for the house. They get extra privacy. Win-win.

Out of the blue, one of the newer women, [Housemate] starts to kick up a fuss. She has fallen out with another woman who borrowed something or other, and she demands to switch rooms with me.

It goes on for days. Initially, no one wants me to swap, but eventually, everyone is so fed up with the constant moaning that I feel like I have no choice.

A few weeks after the change:

Housemate: “There’s no hand soap left.”

Me: “Okay?”

Housemate: “Well, when are you getting more?”

Me: “I don’t know, never?”

Housemate: “But we’ve run out.”

Me: “I heard you. I only used to buy it as I had the bigger room with the bathroom. I don’t anymore, so I don’t see why I should.”

Housemate: “Don’t be like that.”

Me: “You want the private bathroom, you have to stock it.”

Housemate: “Fine, whatever. I will buy my own.”

As other things ran out, the rest of the house would come to me asking about the missing items. I would gently remind them that I only ever did this as a favour and to ask [Housemate] if she would do the same now she had the biggest room.

This caused a bigger scene than the original fight. The house was divided. Many were angry at [Housemate], [Housemate] thought I should just keep paying, and some wanted [Housemate] kicked out altogether!

[Housemate] left eventually. I was offered the bigger room again, but I was so done with the drama that I had already decided to find a place of my own.

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If Solidarity Won’t Do It, There’s Always Spite

, , , , , | Friendly | April 15, 2021

My flatmate and I have struggled with our weight. We think having someone there to keep us on track will help, so we make a pact to get fit together. We both switch to healthy meals, ditch the drink in the week, and promise to exercise together.

It works well at first. She lasts two weeks before trying to get me to drink with her. I tell her no, I’m sticking to our plan. It takes a couple of weeks before she starts to hint about wanting takeaway, which she only wanted at the end of each month. I just ignore her.

A few days after that:

Me: “So, you’re ready to exercise?”

Flatmate: “…”

Me: “Are you? I was going to get changed.”

Flatmate: “I don’t know, maybe.”

I’m literally waiting for her; any longer and we won’t have time.

Me: “Well?”

Flatmate: “Ugh, God. Why are you always telling me what to do?” 

Me: “We promised each other to do this. Part of it was to exercise on Wednesdays together.”

Flatmate: “No, okay?! No, I’m not!”

Me: “Fine, whatever. I’ll do it without you.”

I do. She avoids me for weeks. I make the meals we said we were going to eat. I let her drink alone every night and I exercise without her. After a few months, I’ve lost some weight and am feeling great. In fact, I have to buy some new clothes. I try to make amends and give her some of my nicer clothes.

Me: “These don’t fit me. You can have them if you want them.”

Flatmate: “Oh, because I’m fat, is it?”

Me: “Do you want them or not?”

She didn’t answer and just swore some nonsense about everyone being against her and something about not supporting her. Some people cannot be helped.

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Welcome Home! Kind Of.

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 13, 2021

This happened to my friend’s parents around 1980. They lived in one of fourteen almost identical and fairly new apartment blocks at one end of four different car parks.

Fifty or so people from the area were going on a trip and had rented a bus for the day. All of them were picked up at the car park closest to where the aforementioned parents lived. The trip they went on involved quite a lot of drinking and they were far from sober when they got back home.

For reasons unknown, they were all dropped off at the neighbouring car park to the one they’d been picked up at. The parents in question didn’t notice and went to what they thought was their block of apartments. It wasn’t; theirs was four blocks away. They went into what they thought was their apartment, and only after having taken off their coats and shoes did they notice that they were in the wrong place.

The person living there was apparently a heavy sleeper because they managed to leave without anyone noticing.

I don’t know if the door wasn’t locked or if the key just happened to fit. There are more than 1000 apartments in those fourteen blocks and I’m sure there were a lot fewer different apartment key combinations installed back then.

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Smart Switches And Cranky Coworkers

, , , , , | Friendly | April 11, 2021

My coworker is a bit of a technophobe and he’s not old enough to use his age as an excuse. He just seems to hate new tech and deems everything as unnecessary. 

We’re in a small group talking about recent DIY projects, and I mention that I installed some smart sockets recently.

Me: “They’re pretty good; whatever you plug in, you can switch on and off with your voice.”

Coworker: *Snarkily* “As opposed to the not-so-convenient switch?”

Me: “Yes, they have a switch, as well, but we—”

Coworker: *Interrupting* “So, you bought a toy. What a waste of money. Do you even use it?”

Me: “Daily.”

Coworker: *Sarcastically* “You must save so much time, huh? What do you do with all that time you saved?”

Me: “Actually, we can’t reach the plug, so we can have light in what was a dark corner.”

Coworker: “Well, I suppose that’s an exception.”

Me: “And the night light for my eldest — she can fall asleep with the light on and I can turn it off rather than disturb her. Or the hair straighteners my wife can never remember if she switched off.”

Coworker: “Yeah, well, whatever. It’s mostly useless.”

It did feel good to shut him up for once; he is so sure he is right all the time. A few months later, he came to me, excited, admitted he was wrong, and asked me to help set one up for him!

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