Neighboring On A Bargain

, , , , | Friendly | July 26, 2017

My mom gets remarried. She lives and works in [City #1] and he lives and works in [City #2], about 40 minutes away. She moves in with him but he’s able to transfer to a position in [City #1] and they start to look for a place to buy together.

While they look for a place to buy, they rent a place for a year in a not-very-affluent part of town. As I’m visiting them, Mom’s husband tell me the story about how he loaned their neighbor $40.

Now, every time he comes out of the house, said neighbor quickly scrambles back inside. He won’t talk to or make eye contact with Mom’s husband. He calls it the best $40 he ever spent.

You’ll Pay For That Comparison

, , | Friendly | July 25, 2017

Me: “Hey, can I hitch a ride with you?”

Friends: *teasingly* “I’m not a taxi!”

Me: “I know. I’m not paying you, am I?”

You’re Picassoooooo Beautiful

, , , | Friendly | July 24, 2017

(I have started a new module at university for my art degree. I am stood outside waiting for the lecture when a young woman approaches me.)

Woman: “Can I just say, you are absolutely beautiful.”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Woman: “So symmetrical! You look just like a Picasso painting!” *walks away*

(I don’t know if she was paying me a compliment and was just ignorant, or low key insulting me.)

Like A Moth To A Chemical Flame

, , , , , | Friendly | July 23, 2017

(A couple, Friend #1 and Friend #2, are hosting a barbeque in their back garden. One of them spots a moth flying towards the garden, before it makes a turn and flies away instead.)

Friend #1: “Yes! It’s flying away!”

Me: “What is?”

Friend #1: “The moth!”

Me: “Why is that important?”

Friend #2: “When we moved in, the house had a moth infestation. [Friend #1] found a company that exterminates them and then treats your house to keep them away.”

Me: “Well, it seems to be working!”

Friend #2: “Yes, but he managed to find the one company in London that had a no-moth guarantee, or they come back for free. Every time [Friend #1] saw even a single moth in the house, he would call them and they’d come back and spray it all over again. Our house was just full of chemicals.”

Me: “How many times?”

Friend #1: “Five times!”

Me: “Wow! And so now you don’t have moths?”

Friend #2: “No, but now we have cancer.”

Never Gonna Get It Out Of Your Head

, , , | Friendly | July 22, 2017

(Usually my friends and I go to our classes all together. I arrive at a class to find a friend, the only one I am with for that subject, already there.)

Me: “You gave up. You let me down. Why’d you run around and desert me?”

Friend: “I was waiting by the library and you weren’t there…”

Me: “You’re gonna make me cry; why’d you say goodbye? At least you didn’t tell a lie, because that would have really hurt me.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “I will kill your entire family. And your dog.”

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