My wife and I are using the elevator at the mall with our young son in a stroller.

As we were getting off, a young woman pushed her way in while we were trying to get the stroller out.

Me: “Excuse me, not only is it easier to let the stroller through first, but it’s also less rude.”

Woman: “Ugh, I’m tired of having my day ruined by people’s babies! Stay home until they can walk on their own!”

My wife awkwardly tries to get the stroller out of the elevator, past this woman. I’m holding the door open, so the elevator doesn’t leave before we’ve exited. It’s now obvious to this woman that her rude impatience is delaying her more than we ever could. I lock eyes with her, smirking a little bit.

Woman: “Stupid crotch droppings!”

My wife exits, and before the door closes, I lean my a** into the elevator and let rip a nice loud and ripe one.

Me: “Have an a** dropping instead.”

The look on her face as the door closed…

Related:
Revenge Is In The Air

I am White, and my husband is Japanese. I gave birth to our baby boy about two days ago. I’m in the hospital, nursing him in the ward dedicated to newborns and their moms.

Another new mother, nursing her baby, walks over and strikes up a conversation with me.

Other Mother: “Oh, you courageous thing.”

Me: “Ha, I think all of us in here are doing a courageous thing.”

Other Mother: “Yes, of course, but you especially.”

Me: “Uh. Why?”

Other Mother: “Well, you chose to carry the baby to term even though he has ‘Downs’.”

Me: “My son absolutely does not have Down syndrome.”

Other Mother: “Oh, sweetheart. Have the doctors not talked to you about it yet?”

Me: “I have had many a conversation with doctors about my baby and all the medical conditions. He does not have Down syndrome.”

Other Mother: “Come on, hun. Being in denial is a little sad. Look at his eyes, it’s obvious he has ‘Downs’.”

Me: “His eyes look like that because his father is Japanese!”

Other Mother: “…”

Me: “Go away.”

Other Mother: “…Well… that’s still bad for the poor baby!”

She walked away with her poor baby, and I suddenly feared for it and the possible inbreeding.

I live in Greece, but my first language is Welsh. Now there aren’t many of us who do, so the chances of coming across someone are quite remote.

I was walking home one afternoon after work, when I spotted a young couple walking towards me, obviously returning from the beach. He was pulling at his pants and was generally looking grumbly. He said in Welsh something along the lines of:

Man: “There’s bl*ody sand all over my balls, and they’re so itchy!”

She scolded him in Welsh to be careful how he speaks.

Man: “It’s not like anyone speaks Welsh here.”

He said this just as they were in line with me. It was too perfect, so I had to reply:

Me: “Actually, there is one Welsh speaker on this island.”

His face dropped like a sack as he scrambled to apologise for his crassness, whilst his girlfriend was bent over laughing hysterically.

Anyway, I was excited to have someone to speak Welsh to, so I had a lovely fifteen-minute conversation with them, and even figured out we have some acquaintances in common. Absolutely top couple!

The name of the town where we live has been changed, but it still fits the story.

A group of us ladies meets up weekly at a coffee shop for some chatting and company, and to enjoy a safe space around other women. Last week we had been chatting about being healthier and more active as a group, discussing things like hiking and things like that.

Friend: “My friend works the reception at the local sports center, the one with all the tennis courts.”

Me: “The one that is notoriously difficult to book any tennis?”

Friend: “Yes, but she said if we’re able to book a bunch of the courts as a group, she can scan ahead on the diary and reserve it for us at a discount rate. We just need to make sure we can fill up the courts with as many of us as possible.”

Me: “How would you do that?”

Techy Friend: “Social media! My daughter does it all the time! Make a group on Facebook and invite all the ladies. I bet you’d get plenty of women interested in a sporting event free from mansplaining, ha!”

Friend: “Yes, and we could even give it a nice name! Like ‘Cleveland Ladies’ Indoor Tennis’ or something.”

We discuss this and a few more topics while [Friend] grabs a napkin and starts writing down some ideas, including a mock-up of a flyer or banner to put on the Facebook group.

Me: “Uh, [Friend], was it intentional for you to capitalize and enlarge the first letter in each word?”

Friend: “Yes, to make it stand out.”

Techy Friend: “It stands out all right! ‘Cleveland Ladies’ Indoor Tennis’. You see what you’ve done?”

Friend: “Oh… oh! I didn’t notice! Well, that’s even better! We didn’t want the men to come to it; now they won’t even be able to find it!”

We laughed, but we did end up choosing a different name…

My friend and I are browsing a nerdy little store. I’m an anime fan, while he prefers what he calls more “serious” science fiction. I pick up a few manga volumes as he looks through a stack of Star Trek comics.

Friend: “I will never understand anime.”

Me: “What’s not to understand?”

Friend: “You watch a show where the characters are human cells living inside somebody’s body.”

Me: “Cells at Work! It’s educational.” 

Friend: “Then there’s the one where people cook food so delicious that everyone’s clothes explode.”

Me: “Food Wars. Also educational if you like cooking!”

Friend: “And isn’t there one about a guy who dies and gets reincarnated as a vending machine in a fantasy world?”

Me: “Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon, but I think you’re just cherry-picking that one because of the name.”

Friend: “How does any of that make sense?”

Me: “Meh… they make sense within the rules of their own stories.”

Friend: “No, they don’t. Anime writers just throw random nonsense together and expect the audience to accept it.”

He shakes his head at my purchases and adds another Star Trek comic to his pile.

Me: “Didn’t we watch a Star Trek episode the other day where two characters went infinite speed and got turned into salamanders who then went to a swamp on another planet and boned and made salamander babies?”

Friend: *Sighs.* “Yeah… that was a franchise low point.”