Nothing Is More Sobering Than The Law

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2020

I work in a sandwich shop two blocks away from a college campus. We stay open until 4:00 am but lock the bathroom every night at midnight as a result of people puking, having sex, doing drugs, etc., in the bathroom after that point. The building we are connected to still has a public bathroom connected to it. Despite this, drunk people still always try to argue with us about locking the bathroom. There are a lot of stories about those arguments, but this one is my favorite.

A drunk guy, who is likely no more than nineteen years old, comes into the store.

Drunk Guy: “Hey, man, your bathroom is locked and I’ve been waiting for like ten minutes. I don’t think anyone is in there. Can you unlock it for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we close the bathrooms at midnight. There is a public one just outside, to the left.”

Drunk Guy: “You can’t do that! I need to go!”

The kid continues to argue with me for about five minutes — he could have gone to and back from the other bathroom multiple times — about how it isn’t okay to lock our bathroom. The local police department has an office a few doors down from us and they frequently come in to eat. As he is arguing, two cops join the line.

Drunk Guy: “I’m a law student, and I know for a fact that if you have a business that can serve more than a hundred people, you have to provide a bathroom. So, are you going to open it, or are we going to have a legal problem?”

Me: “Oh, wow! is it really illegal?”

Drunk Guy: “It is! So, do I need to report you?”

Me: “I guess you should call the police.”

Drunk Guy: “What?”

Me: “Okay, I will.”

I waved over to the cops in line. One noticed me and started to come over, but as soon as the drunk kid saw him, he bolted.

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The Fact That It Was “Perfectly Square” Makes This Perfect

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2020

A woman comes to me, furious. She starts ranting about our women’s bathroom, saying things like, “It’s filthy!” and, “If the health inspector saw that bathroom they would shut you down!”

Even though I’m doing something else at the time, the woman seems so insistent that I leave my duties to go check the women’s bathroom. When I look inside, I see an immaculately clean restroom with a single, perfectly white, perfectly square piece of toilet paper on the floor.

I go back to my duties, just a little peeved.

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Welcome To The Dishonesty Zone

, , , , , | Working | May 20, 2020

I work in a city with zoning laws that state that once a building is over a certain size, it must have separate bathrooms for males and females before it can have a gender-neutral family bathroom. My boss is very much in favor of allowing anyone to use any bathroom of their choice for any reason, but the law is still the law in this area. 

Boss: “The building inspector is coming by today. Hide some of the chairs in the storage shed out back. If we can make this room look smaller, we can take down the men’s and women’s signs by the bathroom.”

I am filling in at this branch for the day, but usually, I work on the other side of town.

Me: “Isn’t that dishonest?”

Boss: “No. Do what I say.”

Coworker: “You know, the people in this community don’t like sharing bathrooms. The women always complain about men peeing on the seats.”

Boss: “Do what I say! And [My Name], when the building inspector is done, he’s going to [My Branch] next. When you get there tomorrow after he’s left, take down the men’s and women’s signs there, too.”

Me: “But what about the zoni—?”

Boss: “Do what I say!”

She left, and neither of us bothered to hide chairs.

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Stupidity Reaching New Heights

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 9, 2020

I’m in the ladies’ washroom on the observation deck of the CN Tower, formerly the tallest free-standing structure in the world, over 1,100 feet high, and well above the height of any other building around.

[Tourist #1] flushes the toilet.

Tourist #2: “Hey! The water pressure is really good in here!”

Tourist #1: “Yeah!” *Pause* “We must be close to a water tower.”

Tourist #2: “I didn’t see any water tower. Did you?”

Tourist #1: “No, but there has to be one for the water pressure to be this good.”

Tourist #2: “Let’s go out and look again.”

They finished washing their hands and went out to look!

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Some Fresh Slang!

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2020

I am at a store in the mall when a young boy comes up to the employee next to me. We’re in Australia.

Boy: “Do you have a fresher?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Boy: “I need to go to the fresher.”

The employee looks around for whoever in charge but sees no one.

Boy: “Toilet, bathroom, restroom, water closet? What do you call it? My dad said ask for a fresher.”

Employee: “Oh, you are looking for a toilet. Closest one is across and a few stores to your left.”

Boy: “You call it toilet here, too? My dad says words are all different down here.”

Employee: “That’s true that words can be different, but I never heard of toilets being called freshers here.”

Boy: “Okay! And thanks!”

The boy starts running off, yelling.

Boy: “Daddy! They are called toilets!”

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