I’m a wheelchair user. I can walk small distances, but if I’m getting to and from the office every day, as well as getting around the building, I need the wheelchair if I want to avoid any discomfort. 

As a result of this, I use the disabled toilet, and there is only one available on each floor.

I’m using the facilities when I hear someone try the door handle, and then jimmy it angrily.

Me: *Shouting.* “Occupied!”

The coworker trying the door isn’t giving up.

Me: *Shouting louder.* “I said it’s occupied! I’m using the toilet!”

Coworker: “Hurry up!”

I recognise the voice; it’s a coworker who, as far as I’m aware, is able-bodied enough to use the regular toilets.

Me: “I need the disabled toilet, and I won’t be rushed! Use the regular toilet!”

Coworker: *Back to forcefully trying to open the door.* “No! I like using that toilet! It has more room!”

Me: “Why are you forcefully trying to open an occupied toilet door?! What’s your plan when you get inside? Do you just want to watch me take a s***? Do you need someone to hold your hand while you do a poo?!”

The coworker tuts loudly but leaves the vicinity. I finish my business in peace and wheel back to my desk. [Coworker] is glaring at me as I settle back into work, and says to me:

Coworker: “About time! You can’t just claim that toilet for yourself, you know!”

Me: “Actually, being in this wheelchair means that I can.”

Coworker: “So selfish! They already let you take the best part of the bus! Hmph!”

She storms away, heading back to the toilets.

Me: *Shouting over to her, overheard by everyone.* “Good luck with your dump!”

I got a disapproving look from my manager, but he let it slide. [Coworker] spoke to HR about me, but soon realised that complaining about the only disabled worker on the floor using the disabled toilet didn’t carry as much weight as she thought it did, and was politely told to shut the f*** up.

I’m using a public restroom and taking a s***. Suddenly, coming in almost sideways, was a stream of pee coming from the adjoining stall, right onto my shoes. I hear a little boy almost screaming proudly:

Boy: “Look! Daddy! It’s going SIDEWAYS!”

His dad, obviously now just noticing, swears, and the stream gets immediately redirected, thankfully.

I was cleaning off my shoes when the dad came out of the stall with his kid. He was very apologetic.

Me: “I got kids, it’s cool… I’m just trying to figure out how he did that! The physics of standing up and peeing under a wall defies science.”

The Dad: “Yeah, I swear until they’re three, all boys pee into portals.”

Me: “That explains it!”

I work in a coffee shop in a neighborhood that has a large homeless population. We’ve had to be quite strict about the restroom being used only by customers. 

It’s 6 AM, and my manager and I are opening the door to the coffee place, which opens at 6:30 AM. As we do, a guy right behind us pushes through and makes a mad dash to the restroom.

Manager: “We’re not open yet! And that’s for customers only!”

Customer: “I have got a nine-inch grip on a ten-inch turd!”

Manager: *Blinks.* “Well, when you put it that way…”

The guy came out ten minutes later looking a lot calmer.

Customer: “Sorry about that. It was an emergency. I’ll come back when you’re open. I want a black Americano with three extra shots. It doesn’t matter how much more coffee I drink this morning…”

He looks back over to the restroom, solemnly.

Customer: “…I have nothing else to give.”

He came back twenty minutes later for his hyper-caffeinated drink and tipped well.

The restroom was also very clean, so at least he kept his business… contained.

A little old lady comes waddling past me at the checkouts, empty-handed, and leans over to say something to me as she passes. She looks like she’s about to whisper, but then she blurts out loud enough for everyone nearby to hear:

Customer: “I clogged the toilet.”

Me: “Oh… uh…”

Customer: “But don’t worry! I used more paper to cover my poo!”

She continues waddling out, happy as anything.

Me: “Thank… you?”

A customer walks over one afternoon:

Customer: “I need to use the employee restroom.”

Me: “That’s in an employee-only area, ma’am. We have customer restrooms at the front of the store.”

Customer: “I deserve to use the employee restroom.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Because I know they gotta be cleaner and I have IBS.”

That’s not the compelling argument you think it is, lady!

Me: “The customer restrooms are cleaned multiple times throughout the day.”

Customer: “Yes, I know; it was clean when I used them this morning.”

Me: “You already used them this morning?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s how I know they’re not clean. B****, I said I got IBS; are you not listening?!”