I work in a small coffee store on the main street of a walkable little neighborhood. An older, grizzled-looking guy walks in.

Customer: “Do you let any customer use your restroom, or you gotta buy something first?”

Me: “You can use it. No need to get anything.”

Customer: “F****** communists!”

He storms out, not even needing to use the restroom. Peeing for free is communism?

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Our store’s restrooms have been out of order for a few days. We’re in a rural area, so it’s taking a few days to get someone out here to fix it. 

It became obvious after one day that a simple ‘out of order’ sign wasn’t going to cut it, with the number of people still going in there every day.

Having multiple signs did nothing, and yellow tape was simply walked through. Eventually, I put up a tension bar with a sign across the door frame, placed two 55-gallon trash cans in the doorway (single file – the cans were moderately full and not on casters), and a mop bucket and utility cart just inside the door next to the cans for good measure.

Despite all this, I see a customer bypass ALL OF THAT to attempt access to the restroom, only to find that the urinals all have yellow tape on those too. He squeezes back out and wanders over to me, looking unimpressed.

Customer: “Is your bathroom open?”

Me: “Sir, you just Ninja Warrior’d yourself through my obstacle course, twice. What do you think?”

He didn’t think very much of it at all.

At the convenience store where I used to work, there were drains in the middle of the floors of the restrooms. One day, it rained HARD for days, and the sewer system decided to regurgitate up through those drains. So, black water about ankle deep throughout the restrooms (luckily, there was a step down into the restroom area, so it didn’t come into the front of the store).

We blocked off the doorway to the restrooms with a giant metal monster of a display (took three of us to move it) and yellow tape. 

I saw a customer duck the tape, squeeze their a** between the display and the wall, and go in there anyway.

I’m expecting him to immediately turn tail and walk back out at the sight of all the water, but no, he comes out a few minutes later, shoes and socks soaked with s*** water, leaving a trail behind him.

He wanders up to me and says:

Customer: “The soap dispensers are empty, so I couldn’t properly wash my hands after I peed. That’s very unhygienic!”

And then he continued out the door, leaving behind wet footprints and a distinct smell.

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A customer storms up to my register while I’m between customers.

Customer: “This is crazy, all the restrooms are occupied!”

Me: “We are a busy store, ma’am. If you wait, one will become available.”

Customer: “But how do I know they’re all occupied! Some might be empty, and I’ll be waiting there forever like an idiot.”

Me: “The doors have indicators; when they’re locked, they’re occupied.”

Customer: “What if someone is just in there wasting time on their phone? You need to get them out of there so customers who need to go can use them!”

Me: “We don’t have a way of doing that, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you use cameras or something?”

I pause for a nice, long moment.

Me: “Ma’am, surely you can see how that would be problematic.”

Customer: “Well, obviously you’d turn it off when I’m in there!”

I’m washing my hands in the ladies, when I hear a conversation coming from three girls in one toilet cubicle each.

Girl #1: “I’m sick of the meaningless sex. I just want to be cuddled, you know?!”

Girl #2: “Aww, yeah!”

Girl #3: “Then stop putting out on the first date, Helen!”

There is a moment of gasping when another voice comes from cubicle four.

Girl #4: “Ha ha, Helen f***s!”

Girl #1: “Who the f*** is that?”

Girl #4: “The girl who had to listen to you three brain-dead gobs***es while I’ve been trying to have a dump!”

Girl #2: “Eww, who actually does a poo in a club?!”

Girl #4: “Someone who knows how not to put out on the first date!”

Girl #1: “This b**** gonna die!”

All the girls come out at the same time, murder in their eyes. My handwashing has progressed far beyond what’s required for cleanliness, but I guess you can’t be too clean.

Girl #1: “Who the f***—”

Girl #4: “—Oh my god! Sharon?!”

Girl #1: “Chantelle?!”

They all squeal and hug.

Girl #4: “Darlin’, I didn’t know it was you! You put out as much as you like, love! Wait, why did they call you Helen?”

Girl #1: “Helen is my loo name! You know, for when you gotta talk to the girls and stay on the downlow.”

Girl #4: “Well, it f****** works!”

They all laugh, wash their hands (thank God), and head out into the bar together. 

I was washing my hands for another few seconds, thinking what my ‘loo name’ should be.