Not The Religion Of The People

, , , , , , , | Right | April 7, 2020

(I am working the register on a Sunday afternoon in 1982 as all of the churches in the neighborhood are letting out. This is generally a busy time of day, both in the store and at the gas pumps. Things are running smoothly as a harried-looking woman drags a three- or four-year-old-girl into the store.)

Customer: “Bathroom?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we do not have restrooms for customer use.”

Customer: “My daughter has to use the bathroom.”

Me: “There are two bars and four restaurants in this block that have public bathrooms.”

Customer: “My daughter has to go now! Where do you go to the bathroom?”

Me: “Our bathroom is for employee use only as we store dangerous chemicals in there.”

Customer: *dragging her daughter behind the counter toward the door to our office* “Well, you’re just going to have to make an exception.”

Me: *steps in front of the door, blocking her way* “I’m terribly sorry, but our restroom is not for public use.”

(Suddenly, the little girl pulls her hand out of her mother’s, puts it on her hip, and yells:)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re not public, we’re Catholic!”

(Then, the girl stuck her tongue out at me. The woman grabbed the girl’s hand again and stormed out of the store.)

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Not The Same Man Coming Out

, , , , , | Right | April 4, 2020

I am working in a sandwich shop. We have no problem letting people use the bathroom. 

One time, a man enters the restaurant. He has a large and thick beard on his face that makes us assume he is homeless. He goes directly to our bathroom. I am busy serving another customer so I don’t see him clearly when he gets out of the bathroom, but something is off.

His beard has disappeared!

He shaved his face and there is now hair all over the sink and on the floor.

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And Then He Vowed To Never Help Anyone Again

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 2, 2020

I’m in my socially-awkward early twenties and I’m visiting a small local theater to see a movie. Before the movie starts, I go to use the restroom. As I’m washing my hands, a young boy around seven comes up to the sink next to me and starts hopping while grabbing at the sink handle. Thinking he can’t reach, I turn it on for him

Kid: “No, not that. I’m trying to reach those.”

He points at the liquid soap dispensers above the sink. I squirt a large amount onto the palm of my hand and lower it to him.

Me: “Here.”

Kid: “Thanks!”

He scoops soap out my hand. I wash off my hands, turn off the water for him, and leave to go see my movie. Later, as everyone is leaving the theater:

Kid: “Hey! Thanks for before!”

I turn to see the kid waving at me with one hand while holding onto a woman with the other. The kid tugs on his mom’s hand and points at me. 

Kid: “Mom, that guy was cool. He helped me use the restroom earlier.”

My eyes went wide as I realized how bad that could sound out of context. I made eye contact with the mom who was looking at me with concern. I wordlessly spun on my heel and started speed-walking to my car. I really hope that kid explained the story better.

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Making A Bad Show Of It

, , , | Right | March 24, 2020

(I am a box office manager at a local theater. There are several bathrooms immediately off the box office and several more around the corner, down the hall, and through another room. We only open these extra bathrooms up during intermission. Before the show, we keep the door to that room locked, but the door only locks from the inside, so it’s like a lobster trap: you can get in, but you can’t get out. A woman approaches me during an extremely busy night before the show starts.)

Woman: “I want to use the other bathrooms.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t open them until intermission.”

Woman: “But you had them open before, didn’t you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. During intermission. It is not intermission. However, you can use the box office bathrooms, which don’t have a line right now.”

(The woman sulks off. Twenty minutes go by, in which I am dealing with too many customers to see what she does. During a brief lull, I hear a faint pounding from deep inside the building. I tell my assistant to go check it out. The woman comes rushing into the box office, flustered and out of breath.)

Woman: “Did you know I was locked into that room? I could’ve been there for the entire show, for all you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you those bathrooms were off-limits before the show. I’m sorry you were locked in, though.”

Woman: *losing her cool* “But they were open before the show this one time last year!”

Me: “Yes. It is no longer last year.”

Woman: “Well! That’s absurd!”

(She stormed out.)

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The Car Wash Needs A Wash

, , , , | Right | March 14, 2020

(Late at night, a customer comes in and makes a quick beeline to our bathroom. Unfortunately, it’s a single stall and currently occupied.)

Me: “Sorry, man, I think someone’s in there right now.”

Customer: “Oh… I guess I’ll grab a pack of cigarettes while I wait.”

(As he makes his way over to the counter, I notice he’s limping and exhaling deeply.)

Customer: “I’m about to piss my pants.”

Me: “Sorry, buddy. I need your ID, though.”

(I watch as he moves very slowly and deliberately to reach his wallet. By the time he’s paid, he’s red in the face and yelling in pain from holding it in. I have no idea what to say and don’t want to embarrass him, so I just thank him deadpan and give him his change. He runs out the door, I presume to find a bush or something. I shouldn’t let him pee just anywhere, but it’s dark and I sympathize, so I pretend he just left. About an hour later, he comes back in.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Customer: “Oh, uh, hey…”

(Still not feeling the need to embarrass him, I pretend I don’t remember him or that it never happened. But as he wanders around the store shopping, several times I hear him stifling giggling to himself. He grabs some snacks and makes it back to the counter.)

Me: “Anything else for you?”

Customer: “Naw, that’ll be good.” *giggles*

(I want to ask what happened, but I figure I’ll just let it go if he doesn’t mention it first. However, on the way out the door…)

Customer: “Hey, did you know that your carwash has a huge drain?”

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