Sometimes Loved Ones Can Talk Real Crap

, , , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2019

(My boyfriend has to have emergency surgery to remove an abscess in his a**. As he recently moved here he doesn’t have a place of his own and is staying with me, which is handy as he does need some help to look after the wound. As he needs to shower after every time he poops and I’m the one who washes his wound, I often wait in the bathroom for him to finish. He has been feeling down with all this, so I start give him a hug while he is on the loo.)

Boyfriend: “Why don’t you find this uncomfortable or disgusting?”

Me: “You’re not pooping out of this end.”

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Dirty Behavior Is On The Cards

, , , | Right | September 16, 2019

(I work in a print shop. I’m bringing a customer his order to the front counter, where another order for a different customer was left by my boss. When I get to the counter, I see that he’s manhandling a custom playing card deck, trying to keep the rubber band in place while folding over the cards to look at the back.)

Me: “Excuse me, that’s another customer’s order. Could you please not do that?!”

Customer: “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

(I gave him a look, reconsidered losing my cool with him, and swapped the cards out of his hands for his actual order. That’s when I noticed that he had the dirtiest hands I’d ever seen. I simply walked into the back and let my boss deal with the rest of the transaction. I had to reprint the other customer’s order because he had creased the cards and put oily smudges all over them.)

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Maybe It Was A Unicorn Frap

, , , , | Romantic | September 12, 2019

(My partner is the only one who drinks coffee, and she only drinks one cup. To avoid waste, we pour the excess into an ice tray and freeze it. She’ll pop these cubes into her hot chocolate. I use the ice trays to make cheap popsicles. Today, she makes the hot chocolate and stirs in the cube.)

Partner: “Blech! Who knew that frozen coffee could go bad?”

Me: “Well, throw it out. Want me to make you a fresh coffee?”

Partner: “I guess so. Yuck. It turned pink.”

Me: “Pink? Like popsicle pink?”

(Very long pause.)

Partner: “We shall never speak of this again.”

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Worf Has His Priorities Straight

, , , , , | Right | September 11, 2019

(I work at a large chain grocery store. I’m currently stocking an aisle when a customer approaches me, seeing my work apron.)

Customer: “Hello, ma’am!”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I have two things for you today. First, where is your prune juice located?”

Me: “Right over here, sir.” *walks him to the juice aisle* “And what was the second thing, sir?”

Customer: *looks uncomfortable* “If you could let your manager know that one of the toilets in the men’s room is… overflowing.”

Me: “…”

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Your Number Two Is Not Our Number One Priority

, , , | Right | September 11, 2019

(I am in a local chain drug store. This store has no public bathroom, something I am very aware of since I have a small child. More than once we have had to go to the grocery store on the other end of this small strip mall for a potty break. As I am shopping, I become aware of a woman talking to the store employees. This conversation happens over several minutes as she follows employees who are stocking shelves.)

Customer: “Where is your bathroom?”

Employee: “We do not have a public bathroom, sorry.”

Customer: “But you must have a restroom you use. Where is it? I need it.”

Employee: “It’s not for customer use. I’m sorry.”

(After about the third employee tells her the same thing, the customer suddenly becomes irate and screams:)

Customer: “You need to let me use your bathroom!”

(I go to the pharmacy line and think she is gone. Then I hear:)

Customer: “THAT IS IT! NOW I’VE GONE AND S*** MY PANTS! IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”

(She storms out down the aisle where people are waiting for the pharmacy. She seems to be walking just fine, but I am really hoping that she was lying and I get out of the store before anything further is “revealed.” I turn to an employee I like and say:)

Me: “You know, if she’d left right away, she’d have had plenty of time to get to the grocery store.”

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