Dysentery At The Dance Camp

, , , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

I attended a dance camp; there were bunkhouses, separate shower buildings, a cafeteria, etc. When I got there, folks directed us to drive “round Robin’s barn” from the entrance to the parking area. I didn’t understand why at the time, but later noticed that the shorter driveway traversed some 4″ PVC pipe; rainwater drain pipes, I assumed.

A couple of days into the camp, I was in the cafeteria getting some salad, when a particular leaf of “lettuce” struck me as odd. It wasn’t lettuce at all, but a paper towel thoroughly saturated in some greenish fluid.

I reported this to an uninterested employee, and thereafter ate only thoroughly cooked food.

To cut to the chase, about a third of the attendees came down with some sort of dysentery. The situation was bad enough that the state health department got called in. I managed to escape with no significant ailment, but vowed never to return to that camp.

I heard later that the camp was on shaky financial footing and had hired locals with no professional food prep experience. In addition, those 4″ PVC pipes were apparently sewer lines, and at least one had broken.

Sandwiches Are Extra Crunchy This Morning

, , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(I have just gotten into work.)

Coworker: “I dropped a glass before, and I keep seeing glass everywhere.”

Me: “Did you vacuum it up?”

Coworker: “Yes, but there’s still some about.”

Me: “Here: this is a trick my mum taught me.”

(I take a few slices of bread and press them against the floor.)

Me: “See, it picks it up.”

Coworker: “That’s amazing, and so economical. I’ll use them for the sandwiches later.”

Me: “Well, no. I have to throw them out after.”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Because there’s glass on them, and they’ve been on the floor.”

Coworker: *huffs* “Well, that’s not very vegan!”

Trying To Get Racism Licked

, , , , | Working | January 18, 2018

(It’s early in the morning and I have ordered coffee and a doughnut. I am at the drive-thru window waiting. I look in and see the man serving me picking up my doughnut and licking it before putting it in a bag. He comes over.)

Me: “Do you mind giving me a doughnut that doesn’t have your spit on it, please?”

Worker: “What?”

Me: “Get me a different doughnut.”

Worker: “You don’t want me to serve you, do you?”

Me: “Not after rubbing your tongue over my doughnut.”

Worker: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

Me: *incredulous* “It’s because you literally licked the doughnut you were about to give me.”

Worker: “I’m not serving a bigot like you!” *closes the window*

(I drove off, and as I turned out I could see him enjoying my doughnut and coffee. I complained to the company and was given a load of vouchers as compensation. I drive past the place on the way to work, and I haven’t seen that guy since.)

Made You The Butt(ock) Of Their Joke

, , , , , | Right | January 18, 2018

(I sell tickets at a kiosk in front of a recently-opened art exhibition in the museum. A couple comes in, and they each have one arm wrapped around the other’s waists.)

Man: “Do we have to pay to see the exhibition?”

Me: “Yes, sir. While the rest of the museum is free, this is a special exhibition that is on loan. It’s £9 per person, or £7 if you qualify for a discount.”

(While grumbling about the cost, the couple detangles from one another, both searching their pockets for money. Eventually they hand me a £20 note.)

Me: *hands them back change and tickets* “Your change is £2, and here are your tickets. Enjoy the exhibition!”

(They put their arms back around each other, and I think nothing of it until they walk past me to look at a painting on the opposite wall. To my horror, I realize that they are, in fact, not holding on to each other’s waists, but instead both of them have their entire hands shoved down not only their partner’s trousers, but also their underwear, and are caressing each other’s bare buttocks. Just as I begin to desperately search for hand sanitizer without touching anything…)

Woman: “Excuse me? Can you throw this away for me?”

(She removes her hand from her partner’s underpants, fishes a used tissue from her pocket, and drops it on my desk before putting her hand back down his boxers.)

Me: *dies on the inside*

Playing Phone Gag

, , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(A customer has put her shopping basket on the conveyor belt. I take it after scanning her groceries through and notice a mobile at the bottom.)

Me: “Here, you’ve forgotten your phone.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks.” *nonchalantly sticks the phone inside her bra*

(I emptied a bottle of hand sanitiser after that.)

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