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I Have Other Issues

, , , , , | Right | July 21, 2020

My daughter needs a diaper change so I take her into the men’s room of the mall bookstore. When I pull down the changing table, a couple of soft-core adult magazines fall out. I shove them aside, lay down a mat, and change her. As we’re leaving, a bookstore employee enters the bathroom.

Employee: “Sir! You forgot your magazines.”

Me: “Those aren’t mine!”

I shudder to think what he thought I’d been doing back there.

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You’ve Been In There For An (Old) Age!

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2020

I have gone to the hospital for my monthly blood test, due to some medication I have been taking. I have needed the toilet for some time but have held on as it was almost my turn in the queue. As soon as everything is done, I run to the toilet and close the door behind me. I have just sat down when…

Woman: *Knocking on the door* “Can you hurry up, please?”

Me: “I’ll just be a few minutes!”

I finish my “business,” wash my hands, and head out the door.

Woman: “Shame on you! You shouldn’t be using that toilet!”

Me: “Um…”

Woman: “Pensioners might need it!”

I look around. There are no people, let alone any pensioners, nearby.

Woman: “You should always leave them for pensioners! Honestly! You young people have no respect for the elderly!”

She walked out, nearly colliding with an elderly man coming in the opposite direction, but failed to notice him!

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Nothing Is More Sobering Than The Law

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2020

I work in a sandwich shop two blocks away from a college campus. We stay open until 4:00 am but lock the bathroom every night at midnight as a result of people puking, having sex, doing drugs, etc., in the bathroom after that point. The building we are connected to still has a public bathroom connected to it. Despite this, drunk people still always try to argue with us about locking the bathroom. There are a lot of stories about those arguments, but this one is my favorite.

A drunk guy, who is likely no more than nineteen years old, comes into the store.

Drunk Guy: “Hey, man, your bathroom is locked and I’ve been waiting for like ten minutes. I don’t think anyone is in there. Can you unlock it for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we close the bathrooms at midnight. There is a public one just outside, to the left.”

Drunk Guy: “You can’t do that! I need to go!”

The kid continues to argue with me for about five minutes — he could have gone to and back from the other bathroom multiple times — about how it isn’t okay to lock our bathroom. The local police department has an office a few doors down from us and they frequently come in to eat. As he is arguing, two cops join the line.

Drunk Guy: “I’m a law student, and I know for a fact that if you have a business that can serve more than a hundred people, you have to provide a bathroom. So, are you going to open it, or are we going to have a legal problem?”

Me: “Oh, wow! is it really illegal?”

Drunk Guy: “It is! So, do I need to report you?”

Me: “I guess you should call the police.”

Drunk Guy: “What?”

Me: “Okay, I will.”

I waved over to the cops in line. One noticed me and started to come over, but as soon as the drunk kid saw him, he bolted.

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The Fact That It Was “Perfectly Square” Makes This Perfect

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2020

A woman comes to me, furious. She starts ranting about our women’s bathroom, saying things like, “It’s filthy!” and, “If the health inspector saw that bathroom they would shut you down!”

Even though I’m doing something else at the time, the woman seems so insistent that I leave my duties to go check the women’s bathroom. When I look inside, I see an immaculately clean restroom with a single, perfectly white, perfectly square piece of toilet paper on the floor.

I go back to my duties, just a little peeved.

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Welcome To The Dishonesty Zone

, , , , , | Working | May 20, 2020

I work in a city with zoning laws that state that once a building is over a certain size, it must have separate bathrooms for males and females before it can have a gender-neutral family bathroom. My boss is very much in favor of allowing anyone to use any bathroom of their choice for any reason, but the law is still the law in this area. 

Boss: “The building inspector is coming by today. Hide some of the chairs in the storage shed out back. If we can make this room look smaller, we can take down the men’s and women’s signs by the bathroom.”

I am filling in at this branch for the day, but usually, I work on the other side of town.

Me: “Isn’t that dishonest?”

Boss: “No. Do what I say.”

Coworker: “You know, the people in this community don’t like sharing bathrooms. The women always complain about men peeing on the seats.”

Boss: “Do what I say! And [My Name], when the building inspector is done, he’s going to [My Branch] next. When you get there tomorrow after he’s left, take down the men’s and women’s signs there, too.”

Me: “But what about the zoni—?”

Boss: “Do what I say!”

She left, and neither of us bothered to hide chairs.

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