Sometime in the 1980s when I started work, I was given a tour of the office.

Manager: “Oh, here are the restrooms. Don’t go in there after Two-Coke-Tim.”

Me: “Who?!”

Manager: “Oh, you haven’t seen Two-Coke-Tim yet? You’ll spot him in the break room. He always has at least two cans of Coke, which he chugs and then moves on to get more.”

Me: “Okay, but why would I not use the restroom after him?”

Manager: “One day while I was washing my hands in the bathroom, he walked in, downed a whole bottle of Pepto-Bismol, looked at himself in the mirror for a solid five seconds, and then headed straight into the bathroom stall. This guy already creeps me out, so I noped right out of there before I heard whatever he was about to do.”

I have had many “first days” in my almost fifty-year career, but that was the only one I remember!

I was doing private security for a company that did research for the Department Of Defense back in the 1980s. If you think of computer servers in vaults with built-in Faraday cages to prevent the [People from Another Country] from remotely accessing data, you are on the right line.

One night at like 3:00 am, I went to the bathroom. I knew I’d be in there for a while, and I am a reader, so when I saw this two-inch-thick manual in the trash, I picked it up and started to flip through it.

It turned out to be a proposal for a space-based anti-ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missile) defense system. It was an interesting bathroom read, but I suspect it was not supposed to be left in the trash like that.

I go into a gas station to use the restroom. One of the restrooms has an eye-level sign stating that is closed for cleaning, so I try the other, but it’s locked. I know that means it’s being used, so I begrudgingly lean against the wall and wait.

While I’m waiting, another woman comes in and tries the locked door. She stares for a second and then goes up to the register.

Customer: “Excuse me, could you unlock your bathroom, please?”

Cashier: “Ma’am, it’s locked because someone is in there.”

Then, the woman goes to the closed bathroom sign, knocks, and then cracks the door open. I don’t want to confront her, but I clear my throat and try to get her attention.

Me: “It’s closed… That’s one’s closed. Ma’am. Miss. [variations of this as she’s still peeking in].”

Finally, she closes the door and gives me an incredulous look, as though I’ve missed some grand bathroom revelation.

Customer: “I was just checking to see if someone was in there!”

Me: *Not even trying to hide my bafflement* “…well, n— It’s, uh, closed.” 

She stalked out of the gas station, waving me off. I have no idea if she didn’t read the clearly-printed sign at eye level staying that the restroom was closed or if she thought the sign was up erroneously, but seriously, what was going through her mind?

It’s closing time at our store, and the closing manager is cleaning the bathrooms. The following exchange happens over our store’s walkie-talkies.

Manager: “Someone’s been drinking beer and wine in the bathrooms.”

Coworker: “Beer and wine?”

Manager: “Yes! I found an empty beer can and a tiny wine bottle in the trash. But, like, the menstrual product trash.”

Me: “Don’t you love working retail?”

Manager: “Oh, yeah. You think you’ve seen it all, and then you find teenagers charging their laptops in the bathroom.”

There was a long pause, and then…

Me: “Is that a euphemism?”

The manager assured me that it was not. Also, our store doesn’t sell alcohol or electronics.

I have a perfect view of the women’s bathroom from my desk. Our bathrooms are single-stall, so if I see someone go in and then a second person tries to go in, I will let them know it’s occupied.

One day, I see a woman enter the bathroom. A minute later, a second woman tries to open the door, but it’s locked. She immediately starts knocking nonstop on the door and calling, “Hello!”

Me: “Ma’am, someone is in there.”

Woman: “There is?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “Oh, okay.”

As soon as I turn around, the woman immediately starts banging on the door and yelling at the person inside.

Me: “Ma’am! There is someone in there right now.”

Woman: “I know.”

I give up and return to my work. Less than a minute later, the woman inside the bathroom comes out, looking super annoyed.

I had half a mind to start banging on the bathroom door after the second woman went in. Maybe if I hadn’t been at work.