A coworker and I are unloading a new delivery of watermelons onto the produce section.

Customer: “All your watermelons look weird! They have a flat-ish yellow-y side!”

Me: “Oh, that’s normal. That’s just from them being on the ground.”

Customer: “How long were they on the ground to have something like that?! That’s disgusting!”

Me: “Uh, watermelons grow on the ground, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, they don’t! They grow in trees! Like apples!”

She walks off, proclaiming all our watermelons as bad.

Coworker: “Hmm.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Imagine how behind in physics we’d be if Newton was sitting under a watermelon tree…”

A long time ago, I made some memorial armbands for Christopher Reeve, because he was a hero of mine. One side had the birth year, one side had the death year, and the Superman symbol was in the center. Really beautiful pieces, if I do say so myself.

I’m showing them to a friend, who’s never been in immediate danger of joining Mensa, but they really outdid themselves by asking:

Friend: “They’re nice! Are they autographed?”

Customer: “Matcha latte.”

I make the drink for her, only to have her storm back in a couple of minutes later.

Customer: “Remake my drink!”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “There’s no coffee in my latte!”

Me: “Yes, because that’s a matcha latte.”

Customer: “How do you work in a coffee shop and forget the most important part! COFFEE!”

Me: “Matcha is a type of tea, so—”

Customer: “Latte means coffee!”

Me: “No, latte does not mean coffee, but instead, milk.”

Customer: “Get me someone else! Someone who knows how to make coffee!”

Manager: “Ma’am, [My Name] here knows how to make coffee, tea, and anything else that you see on our menu. What he can’t do, and what I refuse to do, is explain to you that you got what you ordered, and if you don’t like it, then that’s on you. Stop shouting at us.”

Customer: “I’ve never experienced such disrespect!”

Manager: “With an attitude like that, if this is the first time you’ve experienced disrespect, then you’ve had a pretty good run. Now go Google what ‘latte’ means and leave us to our work, please.”

She angrily pours her drink on the floor.

Customer: “There, now you have coffee all over your floor!”

Me: *Smiling.* “Not a coffee.”

The customer shrieks at our indifference and storms out. My manager cleaned up the spill and we had a laugh about it.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], can you send me your report for tomorrow’s meeting?”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “You did get my email, didn’t you?”

Coworker: “Maybe.”

Me: “Maybe?”

Coworker: “I get so many emails that I just ignore all of them, and when I miss an important one someone will tell me.”

Me: “That’s a terrible system!”

Coworker: “It’s working right now, isn’t it?”

Me: “The email was about how we have to prepare a report for tomorrow’s meeting. Tomorrow… at 9 AM.”

Coworker: “Well… s***.”

Related:
Email Fail, Part 54
Email Fail, Part 53
Email Fail, Part 52
Email Fail, Part 51
Email Fail, Part 50

One of the senior managers in our business waltzes straight into the IT department. This particular guy is known for doing this as he thinks he can bypass the ticket system and get special treatment.

Office User: “Why is my laptop being all… funny?”

Me: “Funny?”

He shows me a browser window showing all signs of malware pop-ups and other nasty stuff.

Me: “This looks infected.”

Office User: “That’s crazy! I never click on anything suspicious looking!”

Me: “Be that as it may, this thing needs to be cleaned up.”

Office User: “Really? That’s so annoying. How long will it take?”

Me: “Depends, is everything backed up?”

Office User: “…”

Me: “So that’s a no. This will take until tomorrow.”

Office User: “I need to use it today.”

Me: *Sliding the laptop back to him.* “Take it today and try to bear with it, then. Bring it back when I won’t be rushed.”

Office User: *Stares me down.*

Me: *Stares back harder.*

Office User: *Slides laptop back.* “Fine. I’ll come back tomorrow. I’ll use a coworker’s laptop today.”

I backup and clean out the laptop. The next day, the guy is back:

Office User: “I’m here to pick up my laptop, but my coworker’s laptop is doing the same thing now! These things are pieces of s***!”

This time, the guy has the laptop open to an email that’s a blatant phishing scam. It’s so obvious it’s bordering on parody.

Me: “You didn’t click on that… did you?”

Office User: “I did. So what?”

Me: “Didn’t you take that mandatory phishing and cybersecurity course we sent out last month?”

Office User: “That thing? I don’t have time to do all of that.”

Me: “But it was mandatory. You had to have passed it to be able to re-access your emails.”

Office User: “Look, all the senior managers are busy people. We just got the answers from one of the guys, skipped to the end of the training, and just selected the right answers from the multiple-choice questions. Now, fix this piece-of-s*** laptop!”