Let’s Hope He Doesn’t Teach Finance

, , , | Right | April 19, 2021

I work at a bank. One of my regulars is a professor at a leading university. He walks in one day and says loudly:

Professor: “I’ve cracked it!”

Me: “Cracked what?”

Professor: “Well, I could never remember my blooming PIN, so I’ve written it on the back of the card. Can’t think why no one else has thought of it!”

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Laptop Flop, Part 31

, , , , | Right | April 19, 2021

Boss: “I just got off the phone with [User] and she is furious. She says you just gave her a new laptop and it doesn’t work!”

I go over. The user and her supervisor are both crammed into her cube and loudly complaining about how the computer doesn’t work.

Me: “Good morning, ladies. I understand you have a problem with the laptop I gave you?”

User: “Yes! It just doesn’t work. It won’t turn on!”

User’s Supervisor: “The monitor just stays black. This is totally unacceptable. [User] has a lot that I need her to do, and she can’t even get her computer working!”

I look around. On the desk is the external monitor, the docking station for the laptop, keyboard, mouse… Something is missing. Right as I note this, the user decides to “demonstrate” the problem for me…. by pressing the power button on the dock.

User: “You see?! It doesn’t turn on!”

Me: “Uh… where is the laptop? That’s just the dock.”

User: “It’s at home, so I can work there, of course! But it won’t turn on here!”

Me: *Calmly* “You physically need the laptop to be connected to the dock. It will not magically connect when the computer is in another city.”

User & Supervisor: “That’s what Wi-Fi is for!”

Laptop Flop, Part 30
Laptop Flop, Part 29
Laptop Flop, Part 28
Laptop Flop, Part 27

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A Social Responsibility To Social Distancing

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2021

We’re only allowed to sell our theaters to 25% capacity for social distance reasons. Once 25% is reached for a showtime, ticket sales are locked off in theater and online and no more tickets can be purchased for that showtime. Most people are very understanding since it’s the current law and the matter is entirely out of our hands. The phone rings.

Me: “You’ve reached [Theater]. This is [My Name] speaking; how may I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t buy tickets to the 7:30 Tom & Jerry! I’ve tried your website and [Theater Franchise Site] and neither of them is working! It keeps saying the theater is sold out even though I see there are still seats available on the seating chart!”

Me: “I’m sorry. If I had to guess, it’s probably because we’ve already reached 25% capacity for that showtime. That’s been a popular movie with families the past week.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “According to current state mandates, we’re only allowed to sell our theaters to 25% capacity due to the health crisis.”

Customer: *Confused* “But what does that mean?”

Me: “Once our movies hit 25% capacity, ticket sales are locked off and we’re not allowed to sell any more tickets. It’s a way to encourage social distancing.”

Customer: *Long pause* “Well, I don’t know about all that. That sounds fishy to me. But I see there’s plenty of seats available, so I should be able to buy tickets.”

Me: “Hmm… let me check that for you.”

I place the customer on hold and run over to a box office register. I check the seating chart and see that my suspicion was accurate. Our theaters have about 100 seats each, and twenty-five tickets have been sold for the showtime, so the system has locked off ticket sales. I go back to the phone.

Me: “I checked, and it looks like we’ve sold 25% for the 7:30 Tom & Jerry. So, unfortunately, we’re not able to sell any more tickets for that showtime.”

Customer: “But there are still seats left online! It just won’t let me buy them.”

Me: “I understand, sir. But due to current guidelines, we’re only allowed to sell our theaters to 25% capacity.”

Customer: “But that doesn’t mean anything to me. Why can’t I buy tickets?”

Me: “Because it’s currently the law that we can only sell to 25% capacity.”

Customer: “But I don’t think I buy that. That just sounds too fishy to me!”

Me: “Um… well, I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”

Customer: “I don’t know that I believe you.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I guess?”

Customer: “Fine. Let’s say you’re telling the truth… How can I know you’ve actually sold 25%? I see the seats that are sold online, and I don’t buy that you’ve sold 25% because there are so many seats still available!”

Me: “Well, you can count the total number of seats and divide it by four, and that’ll give you 25%… and you’ll see that we’ve already sold 25%.”

Customer: “Yeah… I don’t buy it.”

Me: “You… don’t buy math?”

Customer: “Nope, I don’t believe you! There’re so many seats available, and I don’t think you’ve sold 25% yet! And I also don’t believe that you’re only allowed to sell 25%, either. It just sounds fishy to me. I don’t buy it. I think there’s just something wrong with the websites and you just won’t admit it.”

Me: “Well, sir, there’s nothing else I can do. My hands are unfortunately tied.”

Customer: “Can I come in and buy tickets?”

Me: “You’re certainly welcome to try, but you won’t be able to buy tickets for that showtime, as it’s already hit 25% capacity.”

Customer: “I don’t buy it! I’ll be there in an hour. I’ll show you that there are still seats available!”

The customer hung up. Unfortunately, I was on my lunch break when he came in, but I was told that he stood there arguing for a good five minutes because he “didn’t buy” that we couldn’t sell more tickets. I swear, I’ll die a happy man if I never hear the phrases “I don’t buy it” or “sounds fishy to me” ever again.

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Share The Road, People!

, , , , , | Legal | April 19, 2021

When my son is about sixteen, he gets hit by a car when crossing a road — for once when he had the green light — on his bike. He gets T-boned by a car coming from the same direction and turning right. He doesn’t remember the hit itself, just standing behind the car, dazedly holding the boot of the car. Thanks to some martial art training and sheer luck, he went up and over the car and the car went over the bike.

The police office is not far from the accident, and both the driver and my son are brought there. As he is a minor, we are called and all parties are brought together in a room to figure out what happened.

Driver: “He ran a red light and I could not avoid him.”

Police Officer: “At that crossroad, cars, bicycles, and pedestrians have green at the same time, so if he ran the red light, so did you.”

Driver: “No, no, he was on the sidewalk.”

Police Officer: “Okay, so he was on the sidewalk when you hit him. What were you doing on the sidewalk?”

Driver: “No, I mean he was at the crossing.”

Police Officer: “So, you didn’t see him?”

Driver: “Yes, yes, I did see him.”

Police Officer: “It was on purpose, then?”

The driver did try a few other variations but could not think of a scenario where she wasn’t at fault. We took my son for a checkup and all he had to show for the accident was a small but complicated fracture that healed well, so no long-term consequences. But it doesn’t stop there.

Remember how he went over the car, probably executing a martial art roll, and the car went over the bike, damaging both top and bottom? The driver worked for a garage annex repair shop and did not mention the accident NOR the damage. As this was a work-issued car, the insurance contacted her employer, as she was at fault, and any damages to the car were not covered. She lost her job over it — not due to the accident but by not owning up to it.

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Useless IT Worker, Reporting For Duty

, , , , , | Working | April 19, 2021

I come into my office one day, fire up my computer, and realise that I have no Internet. This has happened before since this was a temporary office set up for just me and my colleague for approximately two years before we were meant to move to another location. I try using my phone as a wireless hotspot. No Internet on my phone. That’s okay; I’ll just give IT a call and see what they have to say. 

IT is located about an hour away by car in another town.

IT: “No, we haven’t had any other complaints about the Internet. Have you tried rebooting your computer?”

Me: “Since the Internet on my phone doesn’t work, either, I’m sure this isn’t just a computer problem, but I have tried rebooting it already. No luck.”

IT: “Well, nobody has reported any problem, so there isn’t any problem with the Internet.”

Me: “I’m reporting it now. My colleagues probably won’t come to work for another hour so it’s no surprise that you haven’t heard anything from another person yet.”

IT: “I don’t see any problem, but I will look into it and will email you what I find, okay?”

Me: “No, since I don’t have Internet, I won’t be able to receive your email, whatever you find. Can you please text me?”

IT: “Okay, I will do that. Bye.”

Six hours later, after spending the day reading a magazine and talking s*** with people, the Internet came back. On my work email, there was an email from IT saying that there was a problem with the Internet in my area. Gee, thanks.

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