Me: “This logo is very small and low-resolution. Do you have another copy?”

Client: “Here. I got someone to resize it bigger.”

Me: “If I print this, it will be very blurry. Can you contact the person who originally designed this logo for you and have them send you a better version?”

Client: “Actually, that logo we just got off the Internet. Maybe if you take a quick look on the Internet you can find a better version of it. It’s pretty simple. Or maybe just type our name without the logo. In italics, to make it look more modern.”

A customer is perusing the menu while I am taking orders at her table.

Customer: “I’m allergic to fat. Please make sure everything is fat-free?”

Me: “Allergic to… to fat?”

Customer: “Yes. Everything I order must be fat-free.”

Me: “Well, this is an Italian restaurant, so that might be tough. We do have some nice salads that—”

Customer: “No salads! I’m allergic to salads.”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer: “What’s this? This looks nice.”

Me: “That would be… the ribeye.”

Customer: “I’ll have that but without that fat.”

Me: “You’ll basically be ordering a plate of air, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m also allergic to air.”

She ended up ordering the ribeye. She ate every bit.

Related:
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 21
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 20
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 19
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 18
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 17

A couple of years ago, I was asked to write copy for a start-up’s website. The client wasn’t sure what they wanted, and in the course of “taking the brief,” it became clear that they also hadn’t worked out who their business was aimed at. I spent a lot of time getting them to focus on target customers, market sectors, and so on.

Once this was done, I wrote the copy and sent them my invoice.

Client: “I don’t think I should have to pay for this.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Client: “We spent too much time answering questions beforehand.”

I work in the ticket windows at a major theme park. A guest comes to my window with a boy of about six in tow.

Guest: *Pointing to the boy* “We forgot this one’s annual pass. Can we get a new copy?”

Me: “Of course, what’s the name on the pass?”

Guest: “David Smith.”

Since the pass is for someone clearly too young to have an ID to match it to, I search for the name “David Smith” and establish that I have the correct pass by verifying the phone number and email address on file. I’m given the correct information, so I finish the process and print a new pass.

Me: *Handing the new pass directly to the boy* “Here you go, kiddo! Maybe have Dad help you keep closer track of it this time, okay?”

He looks at his pass, and then he looks like he’s about to cry.

Boy: “But my name is Wyatt.”

Guest: “Why did you reprint David’s pass?”

Me: “Because you said the pass you needed belonged to David Smith.”

Guest: “No, David Smith paid for it. But the pass is for Wyatt Jones. So why did you reprint David’s?”

Me: “Because I didn’t ask you who paid for it. I asked whose pass it was.”

I start the process over, searching for and verifying the correct pass this time.

Guest: “There’s a difference?”

Me: “Well, unless Wyatt paid for his own annual pass, yes, there is a massive difference.”

Guest: “But I pointed to Wyatt when we forgot his pass. Shouldn’t you have known to look for his pass?”

Me: “How?”

Guest: “How what?”

Me: “How would I have known to look for Wyatt’s pass when the only name you gave me was David?”

He opens and closes his mouth several times. I seem to have stumped him. His wife, however, turns out to be just out of my sight and she understands exactly where he went wrong. She tells him so in ways I only wish I could while being on the clock. I hand him Wyatt’s pass.

Me: “Here is the pass you actually needed. Please make sure to give David his new pass before he visits again and explain to him why the one he has no longer works. Have a nice day.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but his wife moved him along with an apologetic glance, still giving him grief.

Related:
Behind Every Wrong Customer Is A Long-Suffering Wife

Customer: “I’d like to place an order for a wedding.”

I wait. He gives no further information.

Then, his eyes go unfocused, looking through me, as though he is trying to remember something, and he starts muttering:

Customer: “Now, when’s the wedding, when’s the wedding, when is the wedding?”

It goes on for about thirty seconds, so I laugh and say:

Me: “You know, to anyone else, it might look like you were asking me when the wedding is!”

Customer: “I am!”