This story reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my friends who lived in California a while ago. It went pretty much like this.

Friend: “Yeah, we plan on coming down probably sometime next year.”

Me: “Oh? What month? We’re going to be at a wedding in Missouri later in the year.”

Friend: “I’ve been watching the prices for the tickets, I’m going to try and buy them when you are closest.”

Me: “Closest?”

Friend: “Yeah, closest to us? That way, the tickets are cheaper.”

Me: “What do you mean… what do you mean, closest to you?”

Friend: “Like, when you’re closer to us.”

Me: “I’m not following.”

Friend: “When Hawaii is closer to California?”

Me: “What… what do you mean closer?”

Friend: “What do you mean what do you mean?”

Me: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?”

Friend: “When you guys are closest!”

Me: “Do you think we are out here just FLOATING AROUND the Pacific Ocean!?”

Friend: “YOU ARE!”

Me: “WE ARE NOT!”

Friend: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT!?”

Me: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT!?”

Friend: “Tell me what you are doing if you aren’t floating.”

Me: “Hawaii, the islands of Hawaii, are the tops of PART of an underwater mountain range called the Hawaiian-Emperor Seamount Chain, which formed due to undersea volcanic activity.”

Friend: “Mountains don’t grow under water, dude.”

Me: “Mountains don’t grow… under water…”

Friend: “No! Of course not, how would they?”

Me: “Tell me how mountains grow in the first place.”

Friend: “They just… I don’t know, they just… they… they just do.”

Me: “Look, I’ll… I’ll do some research and get back to you on when our tickets might be the cheapest, but I need to go recharge my brain after this conversation.”

Friend: “I’m going to go research these mountains! These “supposed” underwater mountains.”

This conversation was several years ago, and he did end up looking up those underwater mountains. With no ADHD medication in his system to stop him, he ended up falling down the rabbit hole on marine research and never stopped.

He is now a traveling marine biologist and ocean researcher. As I type and submit this story, he is literally out on a research ship somewhere that I will never see in my life, studying something I will never understand. He sends pictures every now and then.

Customer: “Is it too late to cancel the salmon? I’ve changed my mind.”

Me: “The salmon that I just placed in front of you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Uh… well…”

Customer: “So, is it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s been cooked, plated, and is now sitting directly in front of you.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “It’s a finished meal. It’s too late to cancel it.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Sir, when most people ask if it’s too late to cancel a meal, they usually ask within moments of making the order, often while the waitstaff is still taking the table’s order. The dish has not started being prepared yet. You’re asking while the dish is ready to eat and literally in front of you.”

Customer: “I still don’t get why that matters.”

Me: “Sir, it is too late to cancel a meal that is already prepped and finished. If you’d like to order something else, I can get that for you, but you’d have to pay for both.”

Customer: “Why?”

Rest Of His Table: “Oh my God! Shut up, Gary! Eat the f***** fish!”

I was so grateful for the rest of that table, for saving what was left of my sanity.

A customer approaches me with two toner cartridges.

Customer: “These are both for HP, right?”

Me: “Right, but for different printer models. One’s for the 1100 series, the other for the 1300 series.”

Customer: “Well, how am I supposed to know which one I need?”

Me: “Most people check the old cartridge or the printer label.”

Customer: “I threw the old one out, and the printer’s at home. Can’t you just guess?”

Me: “I’d love to, but the wrong one won’t fit.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Since when did printer cartridges become basically blood types?”

Me: “Yeah, I know it can be frustrating.”

Customer: *Throws one of the cartridges (the cheaper one) at me.* “I’ll just take that one. I’ll ram it in if I have to.”

Me: “Sir, I wouldn’t recommend that! Also, we can’t accept a refund if—”

Customer: “—it’ll be fine! Y’all just make it this complicated to make us spend more money.”

I shrug and sell him the cartridge. He’s back that afternoon and buys the other cartridge. I couldn’t help but notice that the tips of all his fingers were stained black…

I used to work for a delivery company where drivers are given shared handheld devices to help them navigate/scan deliveries. My role is to assist with any issues they may have. A lot of the issues are how to navigate the user interface. 

I receive a call from a user saying his device isn’t working and is non-functional. I run through the usual checklist: does it have power, is it charging, etc. It seems the device is bricked and unresponsive, so I ask him to bring it up to us, as he is still on site.

The user arrives, visibly irate and concerned that he was going to be running late all day. I ask for the device. Taking the back off, I notice the water tab is coloured and the entire device has a stodgy, sticky, sweet-smelling gunk inside.

Me: “Have you put any liquid into this device?”

User: “No. However, if you people would do your jobs, then I wouldn’t have to be doing this basic maintenance.”

Me: *Puzzled.* “What maintenance have you performed?”

User: “Refilling the WIFI, of course! The last driver must have used it all, and you haven’t refilled it.”

At this moment, I have to stifle a laugh, quickly moving behind my monitor until my composure returns.

Me: *Cautiously.* “What did you refill it with?”

User: “Probably not the same brand you use, because as not long after the thing turned off.”

I asked to see what he filled it with, he produces a bottle that I was quite familiar with. It was a 30ml dripper bottle of vape juice. It was in a non-branded bottle, probably left onsite by a previous driver.

Now it all makes sense. He has squeezed the juice into the device’s headphone jack and soaked all the internal components.

I made him aware of the company charge statement (liable for full cost) regarding damage to a device, to which the user was arguing with me, adamant that he has not done anything wrong. I brought his manager in to help explain, they asked about his home devices, to which he says his wife and kids look after the WIFI levels.

Many years ago, I was on site during the filming of a safety video that showed exactly what happens if your car is on the tracks at a level crossing when a train comes through.

If you were in the UK and a fan of a certain motoring programme, you probably saw it. What you didn’t see was the unedited stuff where the presenter was genuinely shocked at how little there was left of the car afterward, and how the train didn’t have any marks at all. (We used a decommissioned unmanned train for it, using another train to push it up to speed first)

So years later, I’m still at the railway, and a new member of staff comes in. He’s got opinions about how he rushes across the lines in his car all the time, rather like this story.

The video is shown to him, and he scoffs.

New Guy: “Oh, that’s all fake and done with CGI. Trains don’t go that fast, and my car has a good safety rating, so I’d be fine.”

Me: “That wasn’t faked. I was there when they filmed it, and if anything, it was worse than what was shown.”

New Guy: “Yeah, right, and people die on level crossings all the time, right? No, nobody does, it’s all made up.”

Result? New guy does NOT get certified to go trackside (thinking trains aren’t dangerous is a huge NO) and gets dismissed from his job.

Saw him on Facebook today, he’s still ranting about how the railway is full of conspiracies that he was fired for ‘finding out the truth’.