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Maybe If The Restaurant Had A Pirate Theme…

, , , , | Working | May 13, 2022

One fine summer, when I was still a student, I was in the dreaded process of sending out applications to as many jobs as possible in hopes of securing a summer job. I would take my cover letter and resume from the previous job, change the details, and tailor the content to the job I was applying for. Lather, rinse, repeat. I had been at it for a while and was starting to feel tired.

One application was for a water tour company that gave tours around the harbour. The official job title was “Boat Captain”. I did my resume and cover letter and sent them off. The next was for a server position at a local restaurant. I changed the details and sent that off, too.

When I came to the next application, I read over the cover letter I had just sent out to the restaurant and discovered, to my horror, that I had left the last line unedited from the previous application. 

The last line of my cover letter to this restaurant read: “I believe these qualities would make me a successful boat captain.”

Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, but I can only imagine the look on the person’s face as they read my cover letter.

We’d Call That Joke Cheesy, But It’d Be Too Easy

, , , , , , , | Working | May 7, 2022

I work for a big box store as a backroom employee. The core of my job is to unload trucks and stock shelves, which means I handle a lot of product and open a lot of boxes. Unfortunately for me, I have delicate hands that seem to get cut on just about anything I touch, including deodorant and blankets. I’ve tried various gloves, and I’d rather face the paper cuts than rashes from the gloves I can find. It’s a running joke at work that I consume an excessive amount of bandaids daily.

This time, I’m helping to stock refrigerated items, and lo and behold, the edge of a package of cheese nicks me pretty good. Recounting this event later in the break room, I tell my coworkers this:

Me: “It was some sharp cheddar.”

Cue a room full of groaning.

If You Want To Scam Well, You Have To Scam Smart

, , , | Working | May 4, 2022

I was working as a copier service rep. There was this slew of fraudulent calls for fake toner. It was pretty much the same spiel.

Caller: “This is [Caller] from [Company]. Your boss has left us a note to call you when the price of toner goes up. It will go up within a week, so can I send you the four bottles of toner that were reserved for you?”

We received training about it so we would know how to handle the customers that got scammed.

Of course, said toner wreaked havoc in any copiers, and it cost the customers repairs plus having to buy good toner. One customer even tried to have his toner refunded but the scammer laughed before hanging up.

Now, this happened in the late 1980s, so there was no Internet and especially no social media whatsoever.

That particular customer had been had once and they learned their lessons. I happened to be there for regular maintenance on the copier when the phone rang. This was an open area of desks with multiple accountant clerks and the main receptionist/administrative assistant.

Assistant: ″Hello?” *Pauses* “Yes.” *Pauses* “Oh, yes, pretty good, thank you. It was much needed. Hang—” *Pauses* “Okay, I’ll transfer you to my boss; he’s the one making these decisions. Just hold on.″

She transferred the call. Then, she looked at me.

Management: ″Hey, [My Name], I just got a call from those toner scammers, and I transferred him to [Boss] because he wants to have a serious word with him, but my question is, he knew I’m just back from vacations? How the h*** does he knows that?

Me: ″Oh, that’s simple. You noticed how when they call, they speak as if you’re good friends, that you’re a regular and stuff? Well, he probably called while you were on vacation. Whoever answered said you weren’t there. He probably asked if you were sick or something, acting like he was a long-time friend of yours. Whoever answered, figuring he knew you personally because he was so friendly, probably said something along the lines of, ‘She’s on vacation and she’ll be back at this date.’ He took good note of that, so the day you’re back from your vacations, he calls. It’s that simple.″

One of the accountant clerks raised her head and just said a faint, trailing:

Accountant Clerk: ″Oh…″

In my mind, I was screaming and pointing, ″There! That’s her! She’s the guilty one!″

Be careful, folks, and with social media, it’s even easier for scammers to get information about you.

As Soon As They Say, “I Pay Your Wages,” Ask For A Raise

, , , | Right | May 3, 2022

I work for a fire department. We were recently on the news showcasing a new piece of training equipment. I take this call a couple of days after the news story airs.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Fire Department]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I want it.”

Me: “Can you please let me know what you want?”

Caller: “The thing from the news. I want it.”

Me: “Do you mean the window prop?”

Caller: “Yes, I pay your wages. You need to let me have it.”

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot give you the training equipment we have at the station. I can give you the name of the company we bought it from.”

Caller:No! I don’t want my grandkids to die in a fire. If they do, I’m suing you.” *Hangs up*

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

It’s All Bun And Games Until It Isn’t

, , , , , | Right | May 3, 2022

I’m working at a semi-fast food burger chain, where all the food is prepared fresh and takes a little time. At this time, I’m in charge of cash — taking orders in person and on the phone, as well as taking payments. I get an angry phone call.

Me: “Hi, [Store] at [Location], this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I got no burger buns!”

Me: “Oh, no! What do you mean?”

Customer: “I ordered bowl buns and I got no buns!”

I can tell this customer’s first language isn’t English, and I totally understand where she’s coming from, but…

Me: “Where did you place your order, ma’am?”

Customer: “[Delivery Service]! And I got no buns! I wanted bowl buns!”

Me: “What’s the name on the order, ma’am?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

I check the order. It’s a pretty standard order: three burgers and a large fry. But she ordered all her burgers in our BOWL option. Burger bowls, for those of you who don’t know, is a tinfoil or paper containers that some stores use instead of buns. It’s a gluten-free option, like Lettuce Wraps, but much more of a hassle.

Me: “Ma’am, I can see you ordered three burgers in bowls.”

Customer: “Yes! Burger bowls! And I got no buns!”

Me: “Ma’am, burger bowls are a gluten-free, bun-free option that we offer. They come in tinfoil bowls—”

Customer: “No! It is meant to be a bun bowl! Burger bowl has buns!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we gave you your order exactly as you ordered it. For next time, burger bowls are bun-less. Have a great day!”

That’s still my favourite phone call I’ve taken to date. I think she might have gotten them mixed up for those taco shells that double as bowls, which would be weird to me for a burger, to be honest, but to each their own.