Red-Faced Woman Vs Brown-Eyed Girl

, , , , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I have been DJing weddings and all kinds of events for many years and am vigilant about the content of the music and my audience. A lady approaches my table early on at a wedding after I had played the song “Brown Eyed Girl” By Van Morrison.)

Guest: *angrily* “This song is inappropriate.”

Me: “I’m sorry if you think so but I’ve played this song for years and never had a complaint.”

Guest: “The line ‘making love in green grass’ is not appropriate for children.”

Me: “I do apologize, ma’am.”

(The rest of the night I ended up playing quite a lot of top-40 music with much worse content but “Brown Eyed Girl” was the one that was inappropriate.)

Needs Closure About The Food

, , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I am the supervisor of a truck-stop restaurant. The restaurant closed at 10:00 pm, but the store and fuel-bar stay open 24 hours, so we use a gate that we can pull across to close off the restaurant. I also put up a large sign in front of the gate that says “restaurant closed.” I am doing closing duties after putting up the sign and pulling the gate across (but not locking it yet as I need to get back and forth) when a customer opens the gate and proceeds to walk into a section of the restaurant with no lights on.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re closed.”

Customer: “What? What time do you close?”

Me: “We closed at 10:00.”

Customer: “So you’re not open?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “Well… can I order food?”

Me: “Sorry, but the grills and everything else are turned off. Everything’s been put away. I can’t serve you anything.”

Customer: “Can I just get something to go?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. I can’t get you anything.”

Customer: “But I can get a burger and eat it here right?”

Me: “Sir, I can’t serve you at all tonight. I’m sorry but you’ll have to leave.”

Customer: “OH! You’re closed!”

Me: “Yup. Sorry.”

(There is an uncomfortably long silence before the customer says:)

Customer: “I’m not getting food, am I?”

Wants To Be The Belle Of The Ball

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(I have two children separated by two years and 10 days. We used to have a joint birthday party when they were kids, on the Saturday between their birthdays. In ’93, Daughter was eight and Son was six. When we started planning the party the kids asked for “a Disney Princess party.” Son was, I think, more excited than his sister, so we said yes. When we went to the costume store we started looking at the Prince costumes for Son while Daughter immediately latched on to Ariel because she has red hair, just like her. It was here that a store employee approaches us.)

Employee: “How can I help you?”

Me: “We’re doing a Disney birthday party for my kids.”

Son: “Disney Princess.”

Me: “So we were looking for a Prince costume.”

Son: “No, I don’t want to be a Prince.”

Me & Employee: “What?”

Son: “It’s a Princess party. I don’t want to be a Prince.”

Me: “[Son], what do you want to be then?”

Son: “Belle! She’s the most prettiest.”

Employee: “He can’t be Belle.”

Me: “Hold on. If he wants to be Belle, he can be.”

Employee: “What is wrong with you, dressing your son up like a girl? You probably wanted another daughter, didn’t you?”

(By the time the manager arrived my son was in tears sobbing, “It’s my birthday!” and the employee was yelling at me that I was trying to turn my son gay by forcing him to dress like a Princess. In the end my son got to be Belle. He has a six-year-old daughter of his own now, who has asked for a Disney Princess party for her birthday, which prompted Son to remember this incident and call me to reminisce.)

Customers Like This Are Why The Chicken Crossed The Road

, , , , , | Right | June 26, 2017

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken club.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only have ham and turkey club sandwiches.”

Customer: “No chicken?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Just ham or turkey?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “What about a smoked meat club?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Customer: “Chicken?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Ham or turkey?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “No smoked meat?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “I can’t get a smoked meat club?”

Me: “Sorry. Only turkey or ham.”

Customer: “Chicken?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Smoked meat?”

Me: “No.”

(This continued for a solid three minutes while a coworker stood nearby laughing. The customer ended up ordering spaghetti and I died a little inside.)

Getting Hysterectical

, , , , | General | June 25, 2017

(I got a hysterectomy because I hate my period and never want to have children. When I wake up from the anaesthetic, there’s a nurse standing over my bed.)

Nurse: “Don’t you ever want kids?”

(That was literally the first thing she said. I thought of so many responses later, but at the time I was too stunned and groggy to say anything. Also: period-free life is awesome. 10/10 highly recommend.)

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