We had our friends over for the first time after we got married and decided to make smash patties for them on the Blackstone. My husband was fully convinced he would do the main course all by himself.

Situation #1: I double-check everything with him just before the company arrives and realize he is missing a critical part of a burger. The bun. The poor guy runs to town, and in his brain fog, miscounts and buys thirty-two buns instead of sixteen.

Situation #2: He thinks burgers are incomplete without fried bacon and onions, so he makes them on the grill before the burgers and stores them in the microwave to stay warm. While munching on the last bite of the last burger, his buddy says, “Wouldn’t grilled bacon and onions have been just the perfect addition to this?”

Cue head smacks all around.

We ate the bacon and onions straight; they were still delicious.

Related:
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 25
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 24
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 23
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 22 
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 21

About fifteen years ago in Canada, I was at the supermarket with my son, who was a toddler and sitting in the cart. Our family wasn’t flush with cash, but we were able to pay the bills.

I got to the checkout and put all the items on the conveyor. The total came to about $125, not an insignificant sum to us. I used my debit card in the machine in front of the cashier, and it flashed up “declined” on the display. Even so, the cashier’s receipt printer spat out the whole itemized receipt. 

She handed it to me and said:

Cashier: “Thanks and goodbye.”

And she turned to the next customer.

I looked at the bottom of the receipt, and it said: “payment declined”.

Me: “Are you sure that payment went through?”

Cashier: *Getting rather irritated.* “Yes!”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Cashier: *Getting mad at me.* “Yes!”

So, I left the supermarket with nearly a whole cart of groceries that I hadn’t paid for…

Customer: “I need help. I’ve never painted before, but I’m trying to do a portrait of my wife. I want it to be really special, so I need the best supplies.”

Me: “Sure, I can definitely help you with that. Do you have any experience with different painting styles?”

Customer: “None. I’ve never picked up a paintbrush, but I want it to look perfect.”

Me: “I can definitely recommend some materials, but portrait painting does take some time and practice. I’d recommend starting with a simpler project first to get a feel for the materials. It’s not something you can master in one sitting.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I’m great at everything I try. I’ll make it work.”

I admired his confidence, and I sold him some supplies, and off he went. He was back a week later:

Customer: “Yeah, so I’m now going for a more Picasso vibe, instead of a portrait…”

I was at the cash register purchasing some last-minute Christmas items. I overhear the following exchange from two women beside me.

Lady #1: “What was the book she wanted?”

Lady #2: “Oh, what was it called… 1984?…”

Lady #1: “Who is it by?”

Lady #2: “No idea.”

Lady #1: “Well, how many books are in the series?”

Lady #2: “I’m not sure… I think it’s just the one so far…”

At this point, I was able to elicit a laugh from the cashier using eye movements, which indicated “are you hearing this s***?”

My roommate has recently gotten glasses for his near-sightedness, though, unlike me, he doesn’t wear his glasses all the time for some reason. I was unaware of how bad his near-sightedness was until last week, when I was eating an apple for breakfast. My roommate walks into the room at that moment.

Roommate: “Are you eating an onion?”

Me: *Confused.* “…What?”

Roommate: “It looks like you’re eating an onion.”

Me: “…This is an apple. Y’know, like I eat every morning?”

Roommate: *Shrugs.* “I mean, hey, I don’t judge if you wanna eat an onion.”

He’d also thought the somewhat hilly shortcut he usually takes while walking home was completely flat until he put on his glasses, but it was this moment that drove home for me how badly he needs those glasses!