(The morning show host at my radio station has seen that Howard Stern movie one too many times, and as such, believes the key to being a great radio announcer is being hated. He goes out of his way to be as unlikable as possible, antagonizing anyone he can: listeners, coworkers, the boss. One day, I come into work to see that he’s cleaned out his office.)

Me: “Hey, [Morning Guy], why is your office cleaned out?”

Morning Guy: “I just got a job at [Other Radio Station]. When the boss comes in today, I’m going to give my one month’s notice. I have no doubt that they’re going to turn around and fire me as soon as I give it in.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Morning Guy: “Because they did it to [Former Coworker].”

Me: “Dude, that was different. [Former Coworker] was a jerk, and he turned into a total a**-hole after he turned in his notice. But you… the boss loves you, for some reason.”

Morning Guy: “Nope. I’m a much bigger a**-hole than [Former Coworker] ever was. Just you wait and see. As soon as I give my notice, they’ll have security escorting me to the door.”

(Later that day, the boss comes in, and the morning guy goes in to deliver the news. The boss closes the door, they have a long meeting, and the morning guy eventually comes out, just stunned.)

Me: “So, are you fired?”

Morning Guy: “No…”

Me: “Then what happened?”

Morning Guy: “They offered me a raise to stay.”

(He went back to his empty office, just flabbergasted, muttering about Howard Stern and how the boss is supposed to hate him. Never have I seen a man work so hard to be unlikable, and fail!)

(I call a possible employee with a job offer. She had listed her cell phone as the best means for communication. I call her three times with no answer and I send her two emails. I do just about everything but literally knocking on her home address. After a week of no replies I move on to the next person on my list. Two weeks later the girl who didn’t answer my multiple phone calls and email comes into the store.)

Woman: “Hi, my name is [Woman] and I’m just checking in on my application.”

Me: “Oh, yeah… I tried calling you and emailing you to offer you a job and you never replied.”

Woman: “Oh, wow, really? I’d love a job! This is so unexpected—”

Me: “No, no. I wasn’t offering you a job. I mean, I WAS, but you never replied so I went to the next person on my list. Here’s a tip: if you’re expecting a job offer, check your email and cell phone regularly, especially if you list them on your resume.”

Woman: “Well, I’ve been getting a lot of telemarketing calls so I don’t answer calls anymore.”

Me: “What about email? I emailed you twice.”

Woman: “I’m worried about viruses.”

Me: “Okay. So listen, these are common worries but if you’re this type of person, then don’t list cell phone and email as main ways of communicating with you.”

Woman: “Well, my mom told me I had to. I’d prefer FaceTime-ing or Skype.”

Me: “The only time I’d EVER FaceTime a possible employee for a job is if they live far away, which you don’t!”

Woman: “So… no job, right?”

(No, she didn’t get the job.)

(Where I live, large residential transformers are sometimes hidden in fake houses set up by the hydro company. These houses usually have the windows blacked out or no windows at all, no mailbox, and sometimes no visible street address or driveway, but otherwise look like normal houses. I first time I notice one is when I’m seven years old and point it out to my mother.)

Me: “Mom, that house looks weird!”

Mom: “That’s not actually a house.”

Me: “What do you mean? It looks like one.”

Mom: “That’s a power building. There’s a transformer in there.”

(Not knowing that she was referring to electrical transformers and not giant robots, I walked over to the house the next day and tried to visit the Transformer. No one answered the door so I tried to open it myself but it was locked.)

Me: “Mom, he wasn’t there. I didn’t hear anything and the door’s locked.”

Mom: “Were you at [Friend]’s house?”

Me: “No, I wanted to meet the Transformer but he wasn’t home.”

(My mom went into a panic and told me what was actually in the house and that I shouldn’t try to go in there again.)

(I work at a pizza place as an expediter for take out. We have a little intercom that carries messages across the kitchen to tell the wing guys what we need. They are usually barked at all night, we just ask them if they want a drink and thank them when they bring orders to us.)

Me: *into the intercom to the wing guys* “Hey wings, how’s it coming? Need a drink?

Intercom: “We’ll have ten boxes of wings up there soon for you, we’re fine back here and have water, but does [my coworker on the eat in side] need anything?”

Me: “I’ll ask.” *passes the mic over to my Coworker*

Coworker: *takes the mic, recites the McDonalds Rap and puts the mic down, and goes back to what he was doing as if nothing happened*

Me: *into Intercom* “…I think he’s fine.”

(After I order a burger without cheese, the drive-through employee accidentally leaves the speaker on:)

Worker: “Who doesn’t like cheese on their burger?!”

Me: *to the other people in the car* “Me?”