Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Look, Here Comes A Consequence, Consequence, Consequence

, , , , , | Romantic | May 11, 2021

When I was in college, we had a very attractive girl in our dorm who in today’s world would have been a social media star. Since things like Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat didn’t exist back then, she would set up her personal video camera and record herself and then store the tapes for future viewing. She was extremely athletic and knew it, and thus she would often wear tight Spandex while filming herself.

One day, as she was recording herself, one of the guys in the dorm walked up to her and started trying to chat her up. She literally didn’t acknowledge his presence in any way, and that upset him. He reached out and grabbed her chest. Without missing a beat, she shoved his hand away. He then grabbed her butt, and she again shoved his hand away. He threw a punch at her, and she casually lifted her hand, grabbed his incoming fist, and shoved him to the side. He stomped off.

Two days later, it was revealed to us that the guy was “transferring,” effective immediately. Apparently, the girl had taken the recording to the dean and let her watch.

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Watch Your Fookie-ng Mouth

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 8, 2021

My partner and I are trying to clear our baking cupboard of ingredients. As such, we have found a basic cookie recipe to amend. We chuck in a bunch of random ingredients with the chocolate chips: chopped almonds, maple syrup, a whole glug of vanilla extract, a mix of two sugars, and the remnants of bread flour with plain.

The dough tastes oddly amazing but has the odd blended appearance of glossy cookie dough and dark fudge goodness.

Partner: “Well, the basic recipe did say the cookie dough would look a bit like fudge.”

Me: “Oh! It’s a ‘fookie’!”

Partner: “Oh, God, you can’t call it that.”

I think for a moment, whilst trying to form this franken-cookie goodness into a ball.

Me: “Then it’s… a ‘cudge.’”

Partner: “Somehow, that sounds so much worse.”

Me: “This is one of those funny conversations I can never tell your mother.”

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Thank Goodness He’s A Then-Boyfriend And Not A Now-Boyfriend

, , , , | Romantic | May 6, 2021

I trip up some stairs and do damage to my foot, resulting in some pain in my toes which is particularly bad when the middle toe is touched. My then-boyfriend decides to start tickling me starting on my good foot. He then moves on to my bad foot that I’ve complained about pretty much daily since doing it.

Me: *Sitting up* “Ah, be careful with that foot. Especially my toes! Please don’t touch them.”

Boyfriend: “I won’t!”

I relax somewhat — as much as you can when being tickled — as he focuses on gently tickling the sole of my bad foot. Then, out of the blue, he outright squeezes my middle toe — the one that’s the worse when touched. I shriek in pain and immediately pull myself into a sort of foetal position, trembling, with tears forming from the pain. He then bursts into tears, sitting on the floor next to the bed. I’m concerned that I might have kicked him accidentally when I moved.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “I hurt you! Oh, God. I feel so baaaad.”

This continues. I’m confused and still in a lot of pain.

Me: “You’re crying? Why?”

Boyfriend: “I hurt you! I’m the worst! I’m evil! I’m disgusting!”

Me: “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just wasn’t… I’m okay.”

I spend some time reassuring him that everything is okay, and it ends with me leaning over the bed so I can hug him, despite being in pain. It suddenly hits me.

Me: “Why am I consoling you when I’m the one in pain?”

Boyfriend: “Because I feel so baaaad about it!”

Me: *Straightening* “You… purposely squeezed my bad foot. Why did you do that?”

Boyfriend: “I feel bad!”

Me: “But why did you squeeze?”

Boyfriend: *Huffing* “Stop making this about you! I feel awful and you don’t care! You’re just making me feel worse! Can’t you see how bad you’re making me feel? How could you be like this? I’m going for a drive to calm down!”

He slammed out of the room and I heard him leave the house. He texted me “dark thoughts” he’s having throughout his drive, which had me apologising and backing down. However, the nagging feeling about him never actually apologising for it and knowing he did it intentionally stuck with me. A few months and repeated instances later, we broke up.

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It’s As Simple As That

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 2, 2021

My husband is working a late shift. I go to the garden gate with him to see him off. A woman and a little girl are walking past in the street.

Little Girl: “MUMMY! THOSE TWO MEN JUST KISSED!”

That woman avoids eye contact with us.

Woman: “Yes, that’s because they’re in love.”

Girl: “Awwww!”

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The Language Barrier Isn’t Empfindlich

, , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2021

I majored in German in college and spent my junior year living in Germany. I was extremely socially inept back then. I made friends with this guy and he came to the dorm to hang out with me. He was a really big guy who looked a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We were sitting around and he took my hand.

Friend: “Your skin is very… empfindlich.”

Me: “What does ‘empfindlich’ mean?”

Friend: “It means… easily broken.”

I freaked out and never hung out with him again. Looking back at it, I realize that he had a crush on me and he was actually trying to be romantic. He meant my skin was “delicate.”

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