Putting The Bad Language Into (Con)Text

, , , | Romantic | June 28, 2017

(I am just getting off work and driving home. I always text my husband that I am on my way. As I am trying to make a left turn on a four lane street with no light I pull out my phone and hit the voice command button and tell it to text my husband. There is a break in traffic coming up, but just then a car pulls up beside me and blocks my view. While I think I know how many cars need to pass before I can go I am not comfortable making a blind decision and decide to wait for the car to make their turn so I can see. Just as my phone beeps to let me know I can say my text message, the car behind me honks its horn at me. This is what I texted my husband.)

Me: “I can’t go now there’s a car in the way so f*** off! I’m on my way home, love.”

(He was very confused, and I was impressed my phone auto censored my language.)

I Want To Taste Your (V)ino

, , | Romantic | June 27, 2017

(It was a perfect evening, and I and my husband are in bed, ready to make it even more perfect.)

Husband: *hugging me and kissing* “Mmm… Love, you smell like merlot.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Husband: “Yes… or maybe the merlot we just had smelled like p***y. You smell wonderful either way.”

The Running Dead

, , , , | Romantic | June 26, 2017

(I go out for a jog, after not having exercised in a while, so I’m happy that I get my heart rate up. I go home and let my husband know that I exercised. He proceeds to try to find my pulse to determine how fast my heart is going. He has no luck finding my pulse on my wrist. I find it on my throat, and guide his fingers to find it. He still can’t find it, so he tries my wrist again. I tell him he will have more luck using my neck and try to help him find it again. No luck. Our conclusion?)

Me: “I guess I’m dead.”

Husband: “You’re just heartless.”

Buttering You Up In Your Dreams

, , , , | Romantic | June 25, 2017

(My boyfriend sometimes talks in his sleep. Usually it’s gibberish or a word or two. Usually. It is about an hour after we go to bed, and he rolls over and faces me…)

Boyfriend: *tries to take my pillow*

Me: *takes it back* “[Boyfriend], stop. You’re taking mine!”

Boyfriend: *tries it again*

Me: “Babe, stop.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.” *takes pillow from me anyway*

Me: *takes it back* “Why are you taking my pillow?”

Boyfriend: “Because there’s butter everywhere!”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: *louder* “There’s butter everywhere!”

Me: “Are you dreaming?”

(Pause.)

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

(He immediately fell back on the bed and started snoring. I asked him the next morning if he remembered what happened and he had no idea. It still makes me laugh thinking about it.)

Have You Tried Turning Yourself Off And On Again?

, , | Romantic | June 24, 2017

(My husband works in IT, and is a bit stressed at work. One night, I am sick and running a fever. I get up in the middle of the night and check my temperature. I am coming back to bed.)

Me: “I still have a high fever. The meds don’t seem to be working. ”

Husband: *half asleep* “Did you run updates? That usually helps.”

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