The Running Dead

, , , , | Romantic | June 26, 2017

(I go out for a jog, after not having exercised in a while, so I’m happy that I get my heart rate up. I go home and let my husband know that I exercised. He proceeds to try to find my pulse to determine how fast my heart is going. He has no luck finding my pulse on my wrist. I find it on my throat, and guide his fingers to find it. He still can’t find it, so he tries my wrist again. I tell him he will have more luck using my neck and try to help him find it again. No luck. Our conclusion?)

Me: “I guess I’m dead.”

Husband: “You’re just heartless.”

Buttering You Up In Your Dreams

, , , , | Romantic | June 25, 2017

(My boyfriend sometimes talks in his sleep. Usually it’s gibberish or a word or two. Usually. It is about an hour after we go to bed, and he rolls over and faces me…)

Boyfriend: *tries to take my pillow*

Me: *takes it back* “[Boyfriend], stop. You’re taking mine!”

Boyfriend: *tries it again*

Me: “Babe, stop.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.” *takes pillow from me anyway*

Me: *takes it back* “Why are you taking my pillow?”

Boyfriend: “Because there’s butter everywhere!”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: *louder* “There’s butter everywhere!”

Me: “Are you dreaming?”

(Pause.)

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

(He immediately fell back on the bed and started snoring. I asked him the next morning if he remembered what happened and he had no idea. It still makes me laugh thinking about it.)

Have You Tried Turning Yourself Off And On Again?

, , | Romantic | June 24, 2017

(My husband works in IT, and is a bit stressed at work. One night, I am sick and running a fever. I get up in the middle of the night and check my temperature. I am coming back to bed.)

Me: “I still have a high fever. The meds don’t seem to be working. ”

Husband: *half asleep* “Did you run updates? That usually helps.”

This Just Isn’t Going To Cowork

, , , , | Romantic | June 23, 2017

(I am 17 and my coworker is old enough to be my mother. One day her son, who is a little older than I am, comes to bring her lunch while I’m working. The next day…)

Coworker: “So, [Son] had a lot of questions about you last night.”

Me: “Questions? All I did was let him in the door.”

Coworker: “He thought you were real pretty! Wanted to know if I had your number in my phone.”

Me: “Was he disappointed when you didn’t?”

Coworker: *laughing* “He was. If we didn’t work together I’d be rooting for you, though. I know you’re not crazy like his last girlfriend.”

(The next week her son is in the office again and waggles his eyebrows at me, walking in my direction. Suddenly, my coworker reaches up and grabs his shirt collar.)

Coworker: “[Son], I never thought I’d have to tell you this, but you are not allowed to date MY coworkers!”

Today I Feel Like Doing Sweet Nothings

, , | Romantic | June 22, 2017

Boyfriend: *whispering* “I love you.”

Me: “I love you, too.”

Boyfriend: “Know why I whispered it?”

Me: *expecting something romantic* “Why?”

Boyfriend: “Because I’m lazy.”

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