What Part Of “Leave Me Alone” Did You Not Understand?

, , , , | Romantic | September 20, 2020

I am at a coffee shop one afternoon when a man sits down with me. I look up from my book just long enough to see that there are plenty of empty tables around us.

The man grabs the top of my book and pulls it down to look at me.

Man: “Hi.”

I pull the book from his grasp and say nothing.

Man: “What’s up?”

Me: “I’m reading.”

Man: “Nice. What book?”

I tilt the book so he can see the cover.

Man: “You come here often?”

Me: “Still reading.”

Man: *Small laugh* “You seeing anyone?”

I hold up my left hand to show my wedding band.

Me: “Married, not interested. Still reading.”

Man: “Right on. Have you been together for a long time?”

I let out an exasperated sigh and glare at him over my book.

Man: “I just wanted to talk to you. That’s all.”

I go back to my book.

Me: “Please leave me alone.”

Man: “You have kids?”

I put down my book.

Me: “Oh, my God, dude. No. Leave me alone!”

Man: “A beautiful woman like you should be popping out babies like a Pez dispenser.” *Laughs*

I’m actually infertile because cancer claimed my reproductive abilities a few years back, but it’s none of his business.

Me: “If you don’t leave me the f*** alone, I’m going to throw this hot coffee in your face.”

Man: *Standing abruptly* “C***.”

He moved to another table and glared at me until I left.

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No One Will Ever Believe You

, , , , | Romantic | September 18, 2020

My boyfriend and I are chatting online about how people have a hard time telling some people apart. Being Korean, I admit to having had trouble telling some Hollywood actors apart at first.

Me: “Like, Tom Hanks and… that guy in Ghostbusters.”

Boyfriend: “Bill Murray?”

Me:Yeah! That’s him!”

Boyfriend: “Really? Bill Murray and Tom Hanks?”

Me: “Yeah. They look really similar to me.”

Boyfriend: “They do?”

Me: “Yeah! To me, anyway.”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t see it.”

Me: “They’re so similar looking!”

I start searching up photos of the two actors to show in comparison, and on a whim, I search, “Tom Hanks Bill Murray look alike,” instead of searching for them separately. I find a bunch of composite pictures comparing the two actors already made by others and start sending them to him.

Me: “See? I’m not the only one who thinks they look similar!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t see it… and who’s that old guy that keeps popping up, anyway? The one in the middle with the kid.”

Me: “That’s Bill Murray! I think?”

I follow one of the pictures to an article detailing how a fan photo with Bill Murray sparked a discussion on whether it was Bill Murray or Tom Hanks on a Facebook community, and I send the article to my husband.

Me: “It is Bill Murray! See? I told you they look similar. I’m not the only one who thinks so… Wait. You couldn’t tell it was Bill Murray? No wonder you don’t think Tom Hanks looks like Bill Murray! You don’t even think Bill Murray looks like Bill Murray!”

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Cell Phone Laws Exist Because Of People Like Him

, , , , | Romantic | September 16, 2020

My husband and I have just moved to a new town and we are unfamiliar with the area. He is driving and I’m using my phone for the GPS to find a local grocery store when my husband’s friend calls him.

Husband: “Hey, [Friend]! What’s up?” *To me* “Where do I turn?”

Me: “You want [Street] at the next exit.”

I point at the sign.

Husband: “Okay.” *To his friend* “Yeah, it’s great. We’re adjusting. The weather is a little warmer than—”

Me: “This exit, [Husband].”

He doesn’t move over to the exit lane.

Me: “This exit!”

I pull on his sleeve to get his attention.

Husband: “Don’t pull on me! I’m driving! Where am I going?”

Me: *Frustrated* “The exit we just passed.”

Husband: “You should have said something.” *To his friend* “No, [My Name] is just getting us lost.”

Me: “You missed the exit!”

Husband: “What’s next?” *To his friend* “Go on, [Friend].”

Me: “Take this exit coming up.”

I point at the next exit.

Me: “How about you get off the phone until we get there?”

Husband: “I’m fine. This exit?”

Me: “Yeah, then a right at the end, and [Grocery Store] is two miles down.”

Husband: *Laughing at his friend* “Yeah, that’s dumb.” *To me* “Left?”


Husband: “I’m pretty sure it’s left.”

Me: “It was a left if you went off the correct exit. Now it’s a right. Pull over; I’ll drive and you can gab.”

Husband: “I’ve got it.”

He turns left.

Me: “I said right. You need to focus. Hang up.”

Husband: “It’s fine. I can see [Grocery Store]; we just have to turn around.”

He makes a left at the next stop sign and finds himself going the wrong way down a street with a grass divider between the lanes. A car is approaching, blaring the horn.

There’s a gap in the divider and he turns right, putting him in the correct lane. We are nearly hit by a truck going down that lane and I feel my heart jump into my throat. He, too, blares his horn.

The entire time, my husband is unbothered, still on the phone.

Finally, we pull into the parking lot.

Husband: “All right, man, I gotta go. We’re gonna shop. Yeah, I’ll talk to you later.” *To me* “Why is everyone such a**holes here?”

Me: *Still shaken*You’re an a**hole! You went the wrong way and almost got us killed!”

Husband: “I was following your directions!”

I walked away and grabbed a grocery cart. At the end of our trip, he was loading the groceries in the car and I took the keys from his pocket, insisting I would drive. We got back to the house and he still refused to believe that he hadn’t been paying attention.

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What, And We Cannot Stress This Enough, The F***?!

, , , , | Romantic | September 14, 2020

I work at a well-known grocery store, which is where this happens; an important detail is that I always wear bright red lipstick. Another thing is that, even though I’m twenty here, I still only look fifteen.

A couple in their fifties or so comes through my till with their cart full of groceries. As I check them out, the following interaction occurs.

Husband: “That’s nice lipstick you’re wearing.”

Me: “Oh, thank you!”

Husband: “Can I lick it off?”

I pause here, because I think he couldn’t have possibly said what I think he just said.

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Husband: “Can I lick it off?”

As I’m struggling for words, his wife steps in.

Wife: “You shouldn’t say that!”

Husband: “Why not?”

Wife: “She doesn’t like it!”

I’ve had enough of him.

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

Then, I turn to his wife, who is still being pleasant, and carry on the transaction, thoroughly creeped out. The guy leaves after a few seconds, and at the end, his wife apologizes.

Wife: “I’m sorry about him; he’s learning boundaries.”

Then, she left. If your husband is still learning boundaries in his mid-fifties, it’s time to throw the whole man out. It was probably the creepiest thing to happen during my time working there, and that’s saying something.

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Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Catholic

, , , , , | Romantic | September 12, 2020

I’m the author of Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio and thought I’d offer another gem my darling husband has come up with. To begin with, my husband is definitely very intelligent. He’s just in that category of “very intelligent with book-smarts but common sense has gone out the window.”

Early on in dating, making us in our late teens or early twenties, we are walking around our mall when we pass a Catholic priest. My future husband does a double-take.

Me: “What’s up?”

Husband: “Was that a Catholic Priest?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Husband: “I thought Hollywood made those up, like nuns!”

Me: “Nuns are a thing, too!”

Husband: “What?!”

He then looks at the priest’s briefcase.

Husband: “Do you think that’s his exorcism kit?”

Me: “What? No. No, it’s not. First of all, they don’t just carry stuff like that with them. I’m pretty sure they gotta get approval from the Vatican before they do an exorcism, anyway, and that can take time.”

Husband: “I’m gonna go ask.”

Me: “Leave the priest alone!”

My wonderful future husband had already let go of my hand and started following this poor priest down the walkway in the mall. He later returned to my side and informed me that the priest opened his briefcase to show that it was just paperwork he had with him.

Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio

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