There are some turns of phrase that are regional and are not used everywhere in a country. These regional phrases can also sometimes be things someone from another area might have never heard before…which leads to something that happened to me recently.

Me: “Hey, I’m gonna head to Dunkin’s. Do you want a donut?”

Husband: “Oh my god, so much.”

Me: “Is this a Boston Creme kind of day? Or do you want a jelly?”

Husband: “Six of one, half dozen of the other.”

Me: “…seriously?”

Husband: “Thanks for doing this. I want a donut so bad right now.”

Me: “Yeah… apparently.”

What my husband meant was “It’s all the same to me, so grab whatever they have.” As someone who had never heard this phrase before and was about to go to a donut shop… I thought my husband wanted a dozen donuts with an even split between the two options I’d presented. I came home with fourteen donuts, a dozen for my husband and two for me.

I picked up my girlfriend from the Japanese restaurant she works at and am driving her home. She is eating a to-go bowl the kitchen made for her. English is not her first language.

Girlfriend: “Ooh! There’s an egg in it!”

Me: “Is it a chicken egg or a quail egg?”

Girlfriend: “It is a Japanese egg!”

Me: *Laughing.* “I… I don’t think the Japanese are an egg-laying species, dear.”

We have a small dog who loves to get behind furniture and hide. I don’t know why, but she has no perception when it comes to electrical cords. One frequent victim is the charging cord for my wife’s phone.

One recent evening, my wife picked up her phone to look up something online, only to find it was still almost dead. Sure enough, our pup had gotten tangled in the charging cord and pulled it from the wall.

Me: *Incorrigible punster.* “Puppy, you are a sower of dis-cord!”

Wife: “And dat cord!”

Touché, Wife!

Fake name used.

My apartment complex has a service where Sun-Thurs, we just have to set out our trash in a special trash can, and someone will pick it up between 8 pm and 10 pm. If they visit your apartment before you set your trash out, you can use the app to “call them back,” and they’ll swing back around before they leave. Generally, we’re pretty good about getting our trash out before 8 pm. 

For the past few weeks, on Thursdays, my husband has been setting the trash out no earlier than 9:30 pm. He’ll sit outside for a little while, then come back in and bring the trash inside. At 9:30 pm, he sets it out and “calls them back.”

After a few weeks, I asked him what the heck is going on.

Husband: *Leading me outside to the balcony.* “You see the employee wearing the blue shirt there?”

Me: “Yes.”

Husband: “That’s Bob, my sister’s ex. The one who broke her laptop after she caught him cheating.”

My husband recognized him and has been watching every Thursday to make sure Bob is working; he doesn’t do it if he doesn’t see Bob. Our building gets trash picked up shortly after 8 pm. By the time 9:30 hits, he reckons the crew is nearly done and on the far side of the complex. Instead of getting to relax right before their weekend, Bob gets to come all the way back, walk up to the third floor, and carry our trash.

My partner and I are both neurodivergent: autistic, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, etc. As a result, we don’t always hear, process, or remember spoken language correctly.

At the grocery store, we had the following conversation:

Me: “I am definitely craving some chocolate. I’m in my luteal phase right now.”

We walked around the store for a bit before reaching the candy aisle. My partner grabbed my favorite chocolate from the shelf and placed it in the cart.

Partner: “Here, babe, you’ll need this. You’re in your Illuminati phase right now.”