My (now ex) boyfriend and I pull into a drive-thru to grab some lunch. He places my order at the speaker and then orders his own food.

Boyfriend: “Oh, I have a coupon for a dollar off the nachos, but I left it at home. Can I still use it?”

Employee: “No, sir, you need to have the coupon with you.”

Boyfriend: “Forget it then, just cancel it.”

He then peels out of the drive-thru. I can barely hear the employee through the speaker asking if he means just cancel the one item or the whole order as he races away.

Boyfriend: “That was stupid!”

Me: “Agreed. Why on earth would you ask to use a coupon you don’t have on you? You used to work in retail. You should know better.”

Boyfriend: “No, I meant he was stupid. He should have just given me the dollar off. What’s the big deal?”

Me: “Look, your house is only a mile away. Let’s just go grab the coupon and come back and get our food.”

Boyfriend: “I don’t actually have a coupon; I just said that to get a break on the price. I do it all the time. Normally they don’t care and just do it.”

And that is one of the (many) reasons he is now my ex!

Related:
The Couponator 54: Fanta Flour Power
The Couponator 53: Binder Of Fury
The Couponator 52: The District Doppelgänger
The Couponator 51: Dawn Of A New Stupider Age
The Couponator 50: Endgame

My wife and I are being sappy:

Me: “You know, while I don’t really believe in soulmates, I’ve been thinking: With apologies to Asimov, any sufficiently compatible partners are indistinguishable from soulmates.”

Her: “Sweetie, that was Clarke.”

Me: “SEE! Proving my point!”

I was once at one of those Hibachi restaurants, and at this one they give you free ice cream on your birthday. I didn’t want mine, so I gave it to my grandparents. When I was recounting the story of my “birthday ice cream” to my boyfriend, I accidentally said:

Me: “Yeah, dinner was great. I let my grandparents eat my ‘birth cream’.”

Boyfriend: *Laughing.* “Wow! You saved it all this time?”

I have thought about my words before I spoke them sooooo carefully ever since then.

My fiancé and I don’t really like large groups of people. We both work in retail, and by the time we get home, we are peopled out and need a break.

Two years ago, I told him, “If you find any spiders in the house or I spot any, I need you to kill them. I’m allergic.” I am also TERRIFIED of them. Fast forward two years. I walk in and am swollen from head to toe with red splotches all over.

Fiancé: “What the heck happened to you?!”

Me: “I got bit by a spider in my sleep.”

Fiancé: “And THAT happened?!”

Me: “Uh, yeah. I told you I am allergic, remember?”

Fiancé: “Well… yeah… but I thought you meant ‘allergic’ like I am to people!”

Back in high school, a classmate and very close friend of mine had a big crush on a girl we often met on our way to the bus stop. We knew she had a boyfriend, but nevertheless, my friend wanted to try hitting on her. The problem was that both he and I were absolute beginners with the art of flirting, and it never went past him talking about how beautiful she was.

Until he went on vacation with another classmate and came back all proud of having done his move: he had sent her an anonymous postcard with a declaration.

A few days went by, and the post service delivered the postcard, after which we heard through friends of friends that she had received an anonymous postcard and was fuming about its contents, and that if she could find who had sent it, it would be their end.

I asked my friend what he had written. He told me that to get the courage to write it, he and the other friend had drunk some beer, and then the other friend came up with the awesome declaration: “Your hair is so long and beautiful that I always wondered if it’s fake.”

It didn’t take much to realise that the other friend was also a total novice.