Should Think Before You Ink

, , , | Romantic | August 18, 2017

(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)

Customer: “[My Name]… Is that really your name or just a name tag?”

Me: “It’s my real name.”

Customer: “Want to see something funny, [My Name]?”

Me: “Sure!”

(The customer proceeds to lift up his shirt to reveal a tattoo just above quite a sensitive region that says “Property of [My Name]”!)

Me: “Oh, wow!”

Customer: “Yeah, that was a mistake.”

Me: “Ex-girlfriend?”

Customer: “Got it in one.”

Me: “That’s why I’ve vowed never to get a partner’s name tattooed.”

Customer: “I have ten girl’s names on me. Oh, wait, nine. I got one covered up.”

Me: “Well, we all make mistakes.”

Customer: “Yeah… Some of us nine or ten times more than others.”

(I love that he had such a great sense of humour about it!)

About To Swear Like A Sailor

, | Romantic | August 17, 2017

(I live in a college city with a harbor. Sometimes Navy vessels dock, and sailors get leave to come ashore for a while. I am in a college bar [a pickup joint, really], having drinks with a girl from my study group. She’s cuter than I am and gets jealous if any guy talks to me, often stealing the guy for the evening and then NOT going home with him. I figure if they’re stupid enough to abandon the girl who’s a seven for an eight, then they don’t deserve to get lucky. A group of sailors walks in and the cutest one starts talking to me. He’s made it clear that he’s looking for sex because he’s going to be on a ship for many months. I decide that I will do my civic duty and accommodate the young man. I don’t tell him, because I want him to work for it for a while, but I give clear signals that I am receptive. My companion does her jealous girl thing and steals the guy I was talking to. He gladly abandons me for the skinnier, cuter girl who is coming on to him, without knowing that she’s a total tease. I watch them dancing and drinking for several hours. He’s getting desperate because he has to be back on his ship before seven am. We go to leave and he puts his arms around my friend’s waist and pulls her close.)

Sailor Guy: *whispering something*

(My jealous friend smiles and strokes his face with her finger.)

Jealous Friend: “I’m not that kind of girl.”

(He looks horrified. As I pass by him I say this:)

Me: *looking him in the eye* “You picked the wrong girl.”

(He looked even more horrified realizing that he made a huge mistake and lost out on the chance to get naked with a female for an extended period of time.)

A New Definition Of Puppy Love

, , , , | Romantic | August 16, 2017

My boyfriend has a untrained dog who, embarrassingly, jumps on people any chance he can get, and humps legs. One day my boyfriend came home from walking him, while I was cleaning under the TV stand, and yep, the dog tackled me and went to town before I could shove him off.

Later that month, I had a doctor’s appointment and found out I was pregnant! We had been trying, but my boyfriend was a little quiet at first. Everything went well, and when I had my ultrasound we found out we were having twins.

I told my boyfriend, “I know you’ve been worried about fatherhood, but I know everything will be fine with our little girls. My mother’s going to help out financially, and we have enough room in the nursery for a second crib.”

He replied, “It’s not the money that worried me. I’m just glad you’re not having puppies.”

Bambi’s New Mommy

, , , | Romantic | August 12, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are messaging each other about deer. I send him a picture of a deer that was in my yard and he replies back with many pictures of deer he has spotted at his workplace.)

Me: “I saw two babies the other day.”

Me: “They were so tiny and cute.”

Me: “I want one.”

Me: “Get me one.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “DEER BABIES.”

Me: “I MEANT DEER BABIES.”

Boyfriend: “Only if you give it a bath and tick check every day.”

Add An Order Of Tea/No Tea

, , , | Romantic | August 11, 2017

(My husband and I often visit a nearby convenience store that opened recently. Aside from being a gas station primarily, it also has a deli/food area with touch screens for ordering fresh-made food. We’re perusing the options when we see something new…)

Me: “Hey, pretzels! And pretzel bites!” *I tap on it and it gives more options* “This says ‘salt,’ and this one says ‘no salt.’”

Husband: “Can you tap them both?” *does so* “You can! It’s a salt/no salt pretzel.”

Me: *laughing* “I wonder what they’d do for that?”

Husband: “So, do you want a salt/no salt pretzel?”

(Turned out that if you don’t select either option, it came with no salt, so adding the “no salt” option to the screen was a little redundant. Now, every time we order a pretzel there, we make a joke about the salt/no salt options.)

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