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Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Extraordinarily Amicable With The Ex

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | August 12, 2022

My ex-husband and I met and became fast friends in 2004. We grew very close over time and became best friends but with no romantic intentions. We saw each other through tough relationships, family tragedies, and everything else under the sun. Somewhere around 2011, we thought it would be a grand idea for us to get married, which we did in 2012. Our marriage carried on much as it always had — as best friends.

After about a year, we realized we didn’t have the proper romantic feelings for each other to sustain a marriage, and we didn’t want to get in each other’s way of actually finding true love, so we had an amicable divorce around 2014. I chose to keep my married name (his last name) because I didn’t feel like doing all the paperwork to update passports and other documents, etc.

I ended up moving around the country many times after that, while he stayed in the same place, but we still talked every day and remained best friends.

In early 2020, he planned a trip to visit me and we spent a couple of days together. He wanted to buy a video game while in town, so we went to a local store. We spent some time looking around and being how we’ve always been together — dumb jokes, laughing nonstop, quippy banter, finishing each other’s sentences, etc. We obviously get along very well and probably seem attached at the hip to any bystander.

When we got to the checkout, I told my ex-husband he could use my points account for a discount.

Cashier: “What’s your phone number, ma’am?”

Me: “[Phone Number].”

Cashier: “And is that under [Last Name]?”

Me: “Yep!”

Ex-Husband: *Snorts* “I forgot that was your last name.”

Me: *Giggling* “Oh, my God! I keep forgetting we have the same last name!”

The cashier perked up and started clapping her hands, squealing with joy.

Cashier: “Ohhhh! Did you guys just get married?! Congratulations!”

We really didn’t want to burst her bubble, but I couldn’t help but tell the truth. 

Me: *Laughing* “Actually, we got divorced about six years ago.”

Cashier: “Oh. Uh, sorry. Here’s your receipt. Have a good day.”

We did feel bad for embarrassing her, but we laughed about it once we got back in my car. It’s now 2022, and we’re still best friends and talk every day, and we’re both still unmarried. We agreed that if things continue to look dismal for marriages for both of us, we definitely won’t get married again, but we’ll grow old together in matching rocking chairs.

Girls’ Night Out Gone No-Contact

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 8, 2022

A few months ago, my colleagues as well as our senior boss went out for a bite to eat to celebrate the promotion of one of said colleagues. As it happens, the day out just happened to fall on my birthday. I’m in my mid-forties, long divorced, and remarried, with children in their early twenties, so it’s not a big celebratory thing. But my boss jokingly asks if I am going to “hit the rooftop clubs” for my day.

Me: “I haven’t gone to a club in twenty years. The last time I went was a situation I’m still reeling from.”

Boss: “Oh? How so?”

Me: “It was supposed to be a girls’ night out. All of us had shown up but one, but she arrived just before we went in… with her brother in tow. The poor man was embarrassed as she had said she was taking him out for an evening of fun since he had moved back to town, and now he’d essentially ‘barged in’ on the girls’ night. He offered to leave, but his sister pitched such a fit that he stayed. We were annoyed but decided to let it go. Since I was not driving that night, I rather enjoyed my alcohol — so much so that I got really, really chummy with the brother. It was embarrassing, really. After the night was over and I was sobering up the next day, one of the other girls told me that the brother and sister had had quite an argument about the whole thing, with my behavior at the top of the gripe list. I felt terrible, but what could I do? As it turns out, the brother and sister went no-contact a few weeks later as she became controlling and bossy.”

Boss: “Okay… That does seem a bit off-putting.”

Me: “I’m not done. Things got really awkward. The sister and I both remained part of the friend group, and she always looked daggers at me. That was awkward enough. But even more awkward is that I ran into the brother afterward, too.”

Boss: “Are you still in touch?”

Me: “Not with the sister. But the brother was a different story.”

Boss: “How?”

Me: “Well… I’m currently raising his daughters.”

Boss: “Wha… I totally did not see that coming.”

It’s a good story, I’ll say. My former husband and I are only moderately in touch since our children are grown now (we both were/are no-contact with his sister), but my husband and I occasionally chat with him and his wife and plan to spend time together when our children enjoy life events. We had a very short and quiet divorce and never had issues in raising our children. He would often joke, though, about how he traded a crazy sister for a good wife.

Sounds Like Getting Away From Those People Was A Good Call

, , , , , | Romantic | August 4, 2022

I hear faint yelling coming from my brother’s room. I can’t hear what is said, just muffled voices. I am curious, but it’s not my business so I ignore it. Then, my brother walks into the living room laughing in disbelief.

Brother: “So, I was just yelled at for breaking up with this girl.”

I didn’t know he was dating anyone.

Me: “Okay?”

Brother: “By the girl’s dad’s friend. I was yelled at by the girl’s dad’s friend for breaking up with her.”

I blink and start laughing both in amusement and disbelief.

Me: “You were yelled at… by the girl’s dad’s friend? Not the dad, not the girl, not even the brother. The girl’s dad’s friend?”

Brother: “Yeah, he told me to never talk to her again and stuff like that. Her father had given my number to the friend to call and yell at me.”

Yep, my brother was yelled at by the friend of his now ex-girlfriend’s father. For breaking up with her.

Sometimes Weird Things Happen When The Cleaning Urge Strikes

, , , , , , , | Romantic | July 31, 2022

I was in the hospital for a few days for a kidney issue, leaving my husband home with our nineteen-year-old cat, Miss Kitty. She has multiple litter boxes around the house just in case she is suddenly struck with the urge to go.

Husband: “When you clean the litter box… do you get sick?”

Me: “Uhh… I don’t enjoy it? Miss Kitty rarely has good poops anymore.”

Husband: “No, I mean, I was scrubbing the basement litter box yesterday when I started feeling lightheaded, so I had to stop.”

Me: “I just get some dish soap and hot water and scrub the box out, and then I let it air dry in the sun.”

Husband: “Oh. You can use dish soap?”

Me: “Yes.”

Husband: “I poured bleach in and scrubbed it out.”

Me: “Oh, my sweet, naïve husband.”

Husband: “…what?”

Me: “There is ammonia in cat urine.”

Husband: “I know. I smell it.”

Me: “You poured bleach on it.”

Husband: “Yeah?”

Me: “You can’t mix those. It’s toxic.”

Husband: “Oh.” *Pauses* “I knew that. I was just testing you.”

Me: “And your own respiratory system. Did you air out the basement?”

Husband: “It’s airing out right now. And I went out and got Miss Kitty a new litter box to replace that one.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “I thought something was wrong with it.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you.”

Husband: “Yeah, she hates it. She already peed on the couch, instead.”

Miss Kitty came around to using her new litter box, I recovered from my illness, and my husband never poured bleach in the litter box again.

Thank God For Beer Goggles!

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2022

Back in the early 1990s, my friend and I pick a Friday night to go to a bar reasonably near our college. I’m the designated driver, so I drink nothing but non-alcoholic beverages, but three hours in, my friend is completely sloshed to the point of barely being able to stand. Despite this (or maybe because of it), he and a young lady hit it off, and he ends up going to her apartment with her.

He comes over to my place the next weekend and I ask how things went.

Friend: “Great. I passed out in her car, and when I woke up on Saturday, I was in her bed. She was sitting in a chair next to me with a concerned look. I had the worst hangover ever, and she took awesome care of me. She was very attentive, made sure I got rehydrated properly, and she’s a really good cook. We’ve been on three dates in the past week.”

He pauses for a moment and then adds a thought.

Friend: “If I hadn’t been so drunk I couldn’t see, I would have run screaming away from her in the bar. She’s not skinny and blonde like I normally like ’em. In fact, I’d probably have called her ugly as sin. But no blonde has ever been this nice to me.”

They recently celebrated their twenty-fifth anniversary, and they have three wonderful children.