Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Did Everything Just Taste Purple For A Second?

, , , , | Romantic | July 31, 2021

I am an elementary school teacher working with kids aged four to six. My husband graduated as a chemical scientist but never worked in the field. He never lost his inquisitive nature. One day, I come home with food dyes. My husband reads the package and goes all “oh” and “hmm” with every E-number and the likes.

Husband: “Wait, they added [ingredient]? How can this be purple, then?”

Me: “I don’t know. The package says it is.”

Husband: “Let’s see how purple this gets.”

The package says one drop is enough for a deep purple, so people should add one drop at a time. My husband adds one drop to a glass of water and, indeed, it is very deep purple.

Me: “Well, that’s purple, all right.”

Husband: “Yes, I never thought that. I wonder what it tastes like?”

Me: “I don’t think they added flavour.”

Husband: “You know what? I’m going to taste it.”

Me: “Wait, that’s a lot of pure food dye. Are you sure? I mean, they say kids get really hyper from this sort of stuff.”

Husband: “Look, there are several studies that say there is no connection between food dye and hyperactivity of children. That’s an old wives’ tale. Besides, I’m thirty-three; I’m a lot bigger than a kid.”

My husband tastes the drink and it tastes like… water. So, he empties the glass and goes about his business. About half an hour later, he complains that he can’t focus and he’s talking very fast. He describes it as having an urge to run around and even scream. He flops on the couch, turns on the TV, zaps through the channels, turns it off again, and goes around the house, agitated.

Me: “Eh, are you all right?”

Husband: “Argh! What are those horses doing in my mind?!”

Me: “I’m sorry to say this, sweetie, but you’re acting like a hyperactive four-year-old. Are you sure you are okay?”

My husband becomes silent and leaves. About ten minutes later, he crashes back onto the couch, completely exhausted, and his mind has finally calmed down. 

Husband: “Forget what those studies say. Our future child will never have chemical food colourings!”

1 Thumbs
335

This Wet Blanket Is Throwing In The Towel

, , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2021

I dated a woman for a little over a year when I was twenty-five to twenty-six. She was funded by her family in China but she preferred to take whatever work she could find to give herself some extra cash. One of those odd jobs she took was to house sit for someone for a week. When her time there was coming to an end, she asked me to come pick her up and help her finish her final tasks. The homeowners had a dog, some small- to medium-sized poodle mix.

Girlfriend: “We need to give [Dog] a bath before we go.”

She had never had a pet of her own, but I grew up with dogs and cats so I am well versed in typical dog behavior and care. We entered the master bedroom and I made sure to close the bedroom door. Once I went into the bathroom and started filling up the tub, the dog figured out what we were going to do so she stood with her nose pressed against the bedroom door as she wished to flee.

Once I got the tub ready, I went back out of the bathroom to figure out why my girlfriend had not brought the dog to me yet. I found her kneeling by the dog.

Girlfriend: “Come on, [Dog]. Oh, please, [Dog], it’s okay. Please, [Dog]…”

Me: “[Girlfriend], you’re not going to talk the dog into doing what you want her to do; you just have to make her do it.”

The dog seemed pretty gentle and timid so I bent down and picked her up with one arm under her chest and the other under her hips and carried her into the bathroom. She didn’t struggle as I put her in the tub and she eventually relaxed as I showed my girlfriend how to wash a dog.

When we were done, I grabbed a bath towel to dry the dog and my girlfriend angrily rebuked me.

Girlfriend: “What are you doing?! You can’t use their towels for this!”

Me: “Why not? This is what they are for.”

She was aghast and impatient with my apparent foolishness and rudeness.

Girlfriend: “No! It’s rude to use towels to clean a dog! This is not your house!”

Me: “They’ve had this dog for years; she’s obviously used to being bathed. I guarantee you that they use their towels to dry their dog every time.”

My girlfriend couldn’t be persuaded that it is normal for dog owners to dry their dogs with towels. She decided the best thing to use to dry the dog was… the blanket she’d been sleeping with. I told her that she wasn’t making sense but tried to dry the dog with the blanket. Obviously, the blanket was not designed to be the optimal moisture absorber, so it took a lot of rubbing to try and get the dog halfway dry. Her fur was still matted and damp and she started rubbing herself against the floor.

To my horror, my girlfriend beckoned the dog to the sliding glass door to put her in the backyard.

Me: “No, don’t let her out yet. Let her dry more first!”

Girlfriend: “She has to stay in the backyard when we leave.”

Me: “I know, but let’s do that last. She’s just going to roll in the dirt and get muddy.”

She didn’t listen to me and put the dog outside without another word. I watched as the dog immediately rubbed herself on the ground and got her wet fur caked in mud.

I helped my girlfriend put the blanket in the washing machine and run it, put away clean dishes, and do a few other tasks before I drove her home while contemplating the bizarre experience. It probably comes to no surprise that we broke up later; I could no longer deal with her stubbornly sticking to such strange expectations.

1 Thumbs
279

The Windows Are Open But No One Is Home

, , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: FinancialElephant5 | July 23, 2021

After work one day, I stopped by the store to get some stuff for dinner. I had gotten little sleep the night before, and I accidentally locked my keys in my car. They had fallen out of my purse, or I thought I put them in my purse; I honestly don’t know how I did it. I am surprised I got to the store.

My car windows were up completely, so there was no way of somehow jamming something in there to unlock it. However, I had a spare key at the apartment, so I called my boyfriend.

Me: “Hey, I accidentally locked myself out of the car. Can you bring me my spare car key?”

Boyfriend: “How did you even do that?”

Me: “I honestly don’t remember — something involving my purse. Can you bring me my car key please? I’ll get you Pop-Tarts.”

Boyfriend: “Just unlock your car.”

Me: “I can’t. My keys are locked in the car.”

Boyfriend: “No, you can unlock it. Just stick your hand through the window and unlock it.”

Me: “No, I can’t. My window is up.”

Boyfriend: “Get a coat hanger.”

Me: “I can’t. My window is completely up. There is absolutely no way I can get anything through my window.”

Boyfriend: “Yes, you can. Just stick your hand through the window and unlock it!”

I honestly couldn’t believe I was actually having this conversation.

Me: “Listen to me very carefully. My window is completely rolled up, meaning there is no way for me to put my hand through the window and unlock it. There is no way to put a coat hanger through the window because the window, all the windows, are completely rolled up!”

Boyfriend: “Well, I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

Me: “BRING. ME. MY. SPARE. CAR. KEY.”

Boyfriend: “WHY?!”

I honestly thought he was messing with me, but he really sounded aggravated and like I wasn’t understanding him at all.

Me: “I will tell you later. Please bring me my spare car key from the apartment. Please.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, fine. I don’t see why you need it.”

I hung up, completely frustrated. I went inside and got my shopping done. I saw [Boyfriend]’s car pull into the store’s parking lot and headed outside to meet him. He handed me my spare key.

Me: “Come here, [Boyfriend].”

Boyfriend: “Ooooh, am I going to get a kiss?!”

No.

Me: “Look into my car, [Boyfriend].”

He looked into my car.

Me: “Do you see my keys in there, [Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: “Yes?”

Me: “Try to get them out, [Boyfriend].”

He tried to open my car door. It was locked.

Boyfriend: “I can’t; it’s locked.”

Me: “Try to get them out without my spare car key.”

He then proceeded to look for a window crack. There was none.

Boyfriend: “I can’t. There isn’t a way to stick my hand or anything in there to unlock.”

I stared at him. He didn’t understand why I was staring at him.

I handed him my spare key and told him to show me how to get the car keys out now. He then unlocked the door, rolled down my window, locked the car, shut the door, and then reached his arm through the OPEN window and unlocked it.

Boyfriend: “See, like that. Unlock it like that!”

At this point, I had such a massive headache from him not understanding why it was literally impossible for me to do any of that that I just put the groceries into my car, got into my car, and drove home.

That night at home, he asked if I was mad at him.

Me: “I wouldn’t say mad. I’m more… frustrated… annoyed… tired… baffled.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can understand, especially if you couldn’t simply unlock your door like I showed you today.”

I went and got high after that.

Two weeks later, we decided to go to the downtown area for our date night. Before heading downtown, we had to get gas. I was waiting in his car when he rolled down his window and unlocked it from the outside by sticking his arm through THE OPEN WINDOW.

Boyfriend: “Seeee, like that. Next time your keys are locked in your car, unlock it like that.”

He later brought it up to my mom at dinner. She also tried to explain to him why his idea wouldn’t work AT ALL, but he was determined to make sense of it, when he couldn’t because the f****** WINDOW WAS ROLLED UP.

That was two years ago. I am still very much dating him; in fact, we are engaged now. I love him deeply; he is a good man. He just happens to be an idiot.

1 Thumbs
371

The Worst Possible Way To Spend Your Lunch Break

, , , | Romantic | CREDIT: redheadedsidhe | July 20, 2021

I have just been hired by a new online bank. A man calls in to sort out something on his bank account, and I fix it for him with no problem.

Man: “Can we do the same thing on my wife’s account?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. That’s your wife’s personal account; you don’t have access.”

The man is upset by this and tries to argue me into breaking the law for him.

Man: “It’s my wife! We share money; what’s hers is mine! And besides, she’s right here next to me!”

Me: “Since your name is not on the account, you can’t make any changes to it or access any information about it. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience. Your wife can call in or use our online chat at any time, but she has to be the one to do it.”

The man is frustrated but eventually gives in.

I start to sign off, happy to get to lunch on time, when suddenly, I am interrupted.

Man: “Wait, how old are you?”

Me: “I don’t see how that’s relevant, sir. If there’s nothing else I can do for yo—”

Man: “You sound young, like a gorgeous young woman.”

Me: “Sir, this is a business line. I am at work.”

Man: “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Me: “Sir—”

Man: “I can make it worth your while. I have plenty of money to spend on a pretty little thing like you!”

Please note that there is under £150 in his account at the moment, which just makes this funnier.

Man: “I love spoiling girls like you. I’ll give you my number.”

Me: “The bank already has your number; you are calling in from it.”

Man: “Here, take this down; my number is [phone number].”

Me: “I can see your number; it’s attached to the bank account. I won’t be calling you, sir. I am at work, and I can’t take any private customer information home.”

Man: “Nobody has to know. It can be our little secret.”

I don’t say it, but I am wondering about the wife who is “right beside him, agreeing to let him access the account” and what she thinks of all this.

Man: “Come on, you know you want me. Any girl like you wants to be spoiled by someone like me. Come on, baby girl.”

I eventually got him to hang up, but half my lunch break was taken up.

It’s also worth noting that a few months later, he emailed in with a legitimate concern, but the email had two attachments. One was ID, which we needed to make the change, and the other was a d**k picture.

1 Thumbs
345

This Trip Will Be One For The Books

, , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: joeltheconner | July 17, 2021

My wonderful family of four is on a trip to visit family and friends. Four years ago, on a trip with the same itinerary as this one, I booked our hotel as I usually do. I am what you would describe as “thrifty,” and I don’t like spending a ton on hotels when we are basically just sleeping there.

The hotel I booked for this leg of the journey was probably not the most high-class, and sure, it was not in the safest area of town. This was definitely a hotel where some acts of questionable legality and morality occur. In my defense, it was a very last-minute booking as we were supposed to be staying with family and there were very few options available under $150 a night.

The stay there ended up being fine, but it has been a long-running joke between us for the past four years.

We are now visiting for the first time in four years. I go to book the hotel.

Wife: “No way! It’s my hometown, and I am doing it this time.”

So, she pulls up a hotel booking site and starts looking at places, specifically looking for a place with a pool for the littles. She looks at one and reads the reviews and details.

Wife: “This one looks good, especially for such a low price!”

She even calls to make sure the pool is open because of the health crisis. I look at the photos and look back at her, thinking she is making a joke. She is not. I just smile.

Me: “Whatever you think, babe!”

Yep, you know what’s coming.

As we approach the hotel, I see a look of confusion slowly wash over her face.

Wife: “Wait, is this…” *Trails off*

Me: “Yep! It sure is!”

She booked us in the exact same hotel that she had been giving me grief about for four years. I laughed and laughed and laughed. She could not believe she did it, and she also thought it was hilarious. I am vindicated!

1 Thumbs
552