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Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

There Are Worse Wrong-Number Texts You Could Send

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 30, 2021

This takes place during the 2010 World Cup. The guy I am dating at the time is German and a huge soccer fan. He’s texting me one day during one of the games.

Guy: “I finally got my cousin to watch the game with me!”

Me: “The one in Germany?”

Guy: “Yep! We’re texting back and forth, so if I don’t reply to you, I’m probably talking to him.”

Me: “No worries. You soccer fanatics enjoy the game.”

About two minutes later, I get a text all in German with lots of exclamation points. I pop it into Google Translate and realize it’s a complaint about the game. I start typing that I think he texted the wrong person when another text comes through in all caps. I put that into Google Translate and it spits out two words: “S*** referee.” I laugh and text him back in English.

Me: “Why is the ref s***?”

Guy: “Because he sucks. Wait, how did you know that?”

Me: “Check your sent messages.”

Guy: “I TEXTED YOU?!”

Me: “Yep.”

Guy: “You speak German?”

Me: “No, but I can work Google Translate.”

Guy: “Then what did I just send my cousin? Hold on.”

After about two minutes, he texts again.

Guy: “My cousin wants to know why he got a text in English calling him ‘babe.’”

This Guy Is A Whole Bundle Of Red Flags

, , , , , | Romantic | November 27, 2021

I had been dating this guy for a little over a month. I have no problem with guys looking at other girls because I know that it happens even subconsciously. [Boyfriend] and I were out to dinner one night when a girl walked by in a tight dress.

Boyfriend: “You think she works out?”

Me: “Probably.”

He took my hand across the table.

Boyfriend: “We should get a girlfriend.”

I choked on my drink.

Boyfriend: “You okay?”

Me: “Why do we need a girlfriend?”

Boyfriend: “Why not?”

Me: “Because we’re monogamous.”

Boyfriend: “We don’t have to be.”

Me: “And I don’t like girls.”

Boyfriend: “Yes, you do. You talk about them all the time. Just now you were checking her out.”

Me: “Noticing that a person takes care of their body and wanting their body are two different things.”

Boyfriend: “It’s okay! I’m totally cool with bisexuality.”

Me: “Okay then, let’s get a boyfriend.”

Boyfriend: “F*** no!”

Me: “Why not? I see you looking at guys at the gym all the time.”

Boyfriend: “I’m watching their form, not their— No, no. I do not like men.”

Me: “And I do not like women.”

Boyfriend: “Look. Just give it a try. You never know; you might like it.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll try it if you will.”

Boyfriend: “Deal!”

Me: “Great. Who’s our boyfriend?”

Boyfriend: “Woah, woah, hold up. That is not what I agreed to.”

Me: *Fake confusion* “Oh. You just meant bisexuality is okay if it’s two girls. But two guys aren’t okay. Right?”

Boyfriend: “Exactly! I’m not sharing you with a dude. That’s f****** gross. Look. Let’s just try adding a girl to see how it goes. If you don’t like it, then she’ll be my other girlfriend and you don’t have to interact with her at all. Maybe she’ll be a girl who likes girls and she can teach you!”

I stared at him, waiting for him to say it was a joke or something. When he didn’t, I got up and left him with the bill. Since I drove us there, I also left him without a ride home. I blocked his number and all his social media accounts before I got home. Sometimes I wonder how many other women he pulled that on and how it worked out for him.

Children Singing Tasty Rhyme

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 24, 2021

We had a bit of a party at the weekend, and come Monday evening, we were taking stock of what we had left.

My husband was in the kitchen.

Husband: “We’ve still got a bottle of wine we haven’t finished.”

Then, he looked in the fridge.

Husband: “Looks like we got some leftover sausages, too.”

Then, he burst into song.

Husband: “Christmas time, sausages and wine…”

Me: “Aargh!”

Pregnant, Yes. Helpless, Absolutely Not.

, , , , , | Romantic | November 21, 2021

When I was seven months pregnant, I went on walks in the evenings to keep myself active. My husband usually walked with me, but for some reason — I forget why — he didn’t want to go with me this night, so off I went on my stroll, sticking to the areas illuminated by the lamp posts. We didn’t live in a particularly dangerous area and this was the route I would take with my husband anyway, so I wasn’t worried about going alone.

I didn’t see anyone around at first, but then something caught my eye from behind me. A shadow was getting closer. I kept walking, trying to walk faster but not so fast that I would alert the person behind me. The shadow got closer; I could hear their footsteps now.

They were almost right on top of me when I turned around, planted my feet, and threw everything I had into one punch straight into my follower’s face. 

My husband stood there, blood pouring from his nose, utterly shocked. We walked back together as I apologized non-stop. We went to the hospital to make sure he was okay. While we were waiting to be seen:

Me: “What were you doing?”

Husband: “I thought it was dumb to let my pregnant wife go walking alone. Now I see it was dumb to go along.”

What Did That Poor Machine Ever Do To You?!

, , , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2021

Early one morning, I go to the local hospital to have an outpatient procedure that involves general anaesthetic. My husband drives me home afterward and heads back to work. After I recover sufficiently, I decide to get a few small chores done.

That evening, my husband comes home to find me busy mopping up a small lake on the kitchen floor.

Me: “You know that paper they sent home with me that said I would be legally impaired for the next twenty-four hours and that I shouldn’t operate heavy machinery?”

Husband: “Yeah?”

Me: “Well, apparently, that includes washing machines.”