A Piercing Attack From Chauvinism

, , , , | Romantic | October 23, 2017

(I work at a world-renowned brand of high class hotels, and most people are pretty surprised when they see me in a suit with piercings in my face — I have a nose ring and spider bites on my mouth. Most people are pretty supportive and interested, or at least polite, but then this encounter happens:)

Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you today?”

Elderly Gentleman: “What’s that in your face? Stitches? A birth mark?”

Me: “No, sir! They’re piercings.”

Elderly Gentleman: “Oh, God, don’t even go there. I hate that. I won’t even date someone with facial piercings.”

Me: *smiling through gritted teeth* “Well, that works for me, because I wear them as a deterrent for men who assume that I dress for their pleasure.”

Your Skeletons Don’t Need To Be In The Closet

, , , , | Romantic | October 22, 2017

(My boyfriend is notorious for not noticing things in our living space. I have to put things right in front of him for him to notice, and even then it’s 50/50 chance he’ll react. I just put up a small picture of a character from a comic. A few minutes later he walks past it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, I see you’ve put up a picture of [Character].”

Me: “Yes, I did. I’m surprised you noticed it this quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Why, has it been there long?”

Me: “No, I put it up like five minutes ago. But usually you never notice these things.”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Me: “The hedgehog figure I put in the window sill in our previous apartment? It took you weeks to notice it, and it wasn’t even that small or hidden away.”

Boyfriend: “That was just because I never looked at the window sill! Like, right now you could hide a dead body by the living room window and I wouldn’t notice because I never look that way!”

Me: “…Okay.”

Sympathy Is Number One

, , , , | Romantic | October 21, 2017

(Flu season is really bad this year, and despite vaccination, I catch a nasty case. I’m really bad at being sick, and my husband and I argue about how much I’m allowed to do while ill. He has banned me from doing almost anything on my own, and I’ve been getting a little stir-crazy despite the fever, chills, and aches. He comes into the room as I’m climbing back into bed.)

Husband: “Are you okay? I heard you rattling around in here.”

Me: “I just got up to use the loo and re-wet my wash cloth.”

Husband: “I could’ve done that for you!”

Me: *pauses* “Repeat that?”

Husband: “I could’ve done that for you! You should really stay in bed.”

Me: “I’m not sure you can pee for me, Babe.”

Husband: *joking* “I could pee in sympathy. Like that time I rubbed your back when you had food poisoning, and ended up puking right after you finished?”

Me: “Thanks for reminding me of that. I totally needed it right now.”

Husband: “Anything to make you feel better!”

All Relationships Start Out Cheesy

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 20, 2017

(My fiancé has recently proposed to me. We rent our home next door to my father in an effort to save money. This can be convenient at times, if my father or I run out of something, if one of us can go to the store for the other, etc. My fiancé and I are sitting at home for the evening when I get a call from a family friend, who is currently visiting my father.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], do you guys have any cheese?”

Me: “Yeah, but it belongs to [Fiancé].”

Friend: “Oh. Do you think I could have some? Wait… Your dad wants to talk to you.”

(My father comes onto the line and asks the same question, saying that our friend is out of the usual snacks we keep on hand for her when she visits, since she is allergic to gluten.)

Me: “Hey, [Fiancé], can [Friend] have a couple slices of cheese?”

Fiancé: *rather reluctant since it’s an expensive brand* “Ehhh, I dunno.”

Me: *to my father* “[Fiancé] wants to be compensated. What does he get?”

Father: “He gets to marry my daughter. How about that?”

Me: “Okay!” *to fiancé* “My dad says you can marry me if you give [Friend] cheese. What do you think? You wanna buy me for two slices of cheese?”

(Our friend got her cheese!)

Not Really Feline This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | October 19, 2017

Partner: *from the next room* “You know I love you!”

Me: *touched at this sweet, out-of-the-blue comment* “Thanks, Sweetie. I love you, too.”

Partner: *pauses* “I was talking to the cat.”

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