Intelligent Human Life Is Not Found Here

, , , , , | Romantic | March 23, 2018

(I’m reading an article debating how humans would act if we ever actually found alien life. After finishing it, I look up at my husband who has just walked into the room.)

Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”

Husband: *looks confused* “One more time?”

Me: *getting exasperated* “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent humaaah…” *I suddenly realize what I’ve been saying* “…alien life. I meant alien life.”

Husband: “Oh, thank God. I thought I was going crazy for a minute! First we’d deny that it’s intelligent, then we’d try to eat it.”

Castration Frustration

, , , , | Romantic | March 22, 2018

(My husband has a YouTube playlist running, and the current song is by a singer with a surprisingly high vocal range. At this point, Ireland and Britain are in for a few days of serious snow and minus zero temperatures.)

Husband: “You know, if he didn’t have a wife and child, I’d say he was castrated.”

Me: “What does being castrated have to do with having a wife?”

Husband: *to daughter, pointing out the window* “Look! Snow!”

Me: “Nice deflection, dear.”

(It was snowing, but the timing was perfect…)

Definitely Has The Balls To Do It

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | March 21, 2018

I work at a fast-food place with my friend. It’s mid-summer and my friend has just had a messy breakup with his girlfriend of three years, after he caught her having sex with another friend. Four days post-breakup, we are working the grill area when in walks his ex and the guy she cheated with, clearly showing him off as her new boyfriend.

She makes eyes with my friend and then orders her food. It’s all grill items, and my friend knows it’s her order because she ordered the same unusual alterations to her food when they were together.

It becomes apparent very quickly that both she and the guy intend to humiliate my friend by making him make them their food. He looks around and notes several things.

1) It’s the middle of summer and it’s over 35 degrees Celsius [95 degrees Fahrenheit] in the kitchen.

2) His crotch and rear have been within three feet of a 180+ degrees Celsius [356+ degrees Fahrenheit] grill for several hours.

3) The managers on duty are all either doing office work or customer facing, and can’t see him.

4) His ex can only see him from the neck up, due to how the kitchen is built.

My friend then decides that his ex’s order needs some extra sauce. He proceeds to work his hands down his pants and, after a bit of wiggling, brings from the depths of his crotch enough sweat to drip it onto first the ex’s and then the new boyfriend’s burgers before sending them and wandering off to wash his hands. Throughout all of this, I have neither intervened (because she did kind of deserve it) or assisted (because I didn’t want “sweat sandwich” as my dismissal reason), but I have kept a straight face and so has he. His ex doesn’t realise something is up, and once she gets her food, she looks at him again and smirks before wandering off to sit down.

At this point, I fulfil my obligations as a normal human and tell him he’s a maniac, he laughs it off, and we carry on about our business, stopping briefly to watch his ex and her new boyfriend leave the store.

Other mutual friends and coworkers of ours inform me that this event repeated on no less than five other occasions over the next four weeks, so the two of them got quite the dosage over time.

So far as I know, she never discovered that she ate a diet very high in ball sweat for several weeks, but it’s remained an amusing story within our friend group for the better part of a decade now.

The lesson to be drawn from this is: don’t go rubbing things in the face of someone who’s making your food. Who knows what “extra ingredients” you might end up with?

The guy is a prison warden now; God help the inmates.

It’s Not Working Out

, , , , , | Romantic | March 20, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have been going to a gym regularly for the past several months, so we have a pretty well-established routine. I’ve been stretching for maybe a minute after getting there when my boyfriend comes up to me, an odd expression on his face.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, we need to talk.”

(I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions, but anyone in a relationship that hears those words combined with an odd expression on the other person’s face is bound to have a little heart attack. But, seeing as how the past few weeks have been wonderful between us, and he hasn’t given any indication of anything amiss, I figure he might be about to ask to stay at my house, since it is snowing very badly and he lives more than half an hour away. He leads me to the gym lounge that’s right next to the entrance of the building, and breaks up with me. In a gym. Not even after we’ve finished working out, but before. In a very public setting. I go to the bathroom to process what had just happened, and to bawl my eyes out for a bit. After a few minutes, I text him about taking me home, since I don’t exactly feel like working out right now, and he is the one that drove me there.)

Me: “Hey, can you please take me home? I’m not exactly up to doing anything right now.”

(A few minutes pass without response.)

Me: “Did you start working out?”

Now-Ex Boyfriend: “Yeah, but I can take you home.”

(So, to recap, he broke up with me, in a gym, not after we did what we came there to do, but beforehand, and still expected to go on like nothing happened. Am I being sensitive, or was that basically the relationship equivalent of polishing a crystal vase with a sledgehammer? And, on top of all that, the snow was so bad that he did end up staying the night with my family and me. I think it was a real contender for awkward dinner of the year.)

Some Things You Don’t Graduate From

, , | Romantic | March 19, 2018

(My wife is house-sitting for her parents and I’ve mostly been at home, but I go to visit her this evening.)

Me: “Do you find it weird sleeping with your high school grad picture looking at you?”

Wife: “I… didn’t notice that.” *turns picture around* “I was so innocent!” *pause* “No, I wasn’t.”

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