As a poor college student in the early 2000s, I regularly ordered from a local Chinese restaurant and stretched the food over several days. It got to the point where the employees knew my number on the caller ID and told me my order would be ready in fifteen minutes. I was kind of embarrassed, but it actually saved me later on.

I was on a date with a guy I didn’t really like, but I didn’t want to reject. I suggested the Chinese place because it’s a good price for a lot of food, and I planned to take my leftovers at the end.

Employee: “Hi! Welcome!”

Date: “Hi, table for two. We’ll take that booth.”

He pointed to the corner away from everything.

Employee: *To me.* “That okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I guess that’s okay.”

[Date] grabbed my arm and pulled me to the table. I sat on one side, and he sat beside me, forcing me to move in. [Employee] came over and gave me a questioning look. I shrugged and gave a tiny smile.

Employee: “Okay, what you want to eat?”

Date: “I’ll have [some food I don’t remember], and she’ll have [something else].”

Employee: *To me.* “That what you want?”

Me: “Actually, I—”

Date: “—That’s what I said.”

The employee ducked his head and left. The outing continued in a similarly uncomfortable fashion; [Date] bragging about how rich his family was, how he was only in college to fulfill his inheritance requirements… nothing about getting to know me. When the food came out, it was what [Date] had ordered for himself and my usual food.

Date: “That’s not what I f****** ordered.”

Employee: “No, but it is what she likes.”

Date: “Look you f****** [Asian Slur], you need to—”

Employee: “Look, little boy. You need to leave the nice girl alone before I put you in my next beef and rice. You hear? Go!”

[Date] hesitated, but when two more (much larger) men and a small elderly woman clutching a large knife came out from the kitchen, he left. They came and sat with me for a while to make sure I was okay. When I was ready to go, they boxed up all the food and told me to take it free of charge. I saw (Date) a few more times around campus, but he never acknowledged me. I continued going to that restaurant every chance I got, even driving two hours to go back after I graduated to continue giving them my business until I moved out of state.

My (now ex) boyfriend and I pull into a drive-thru to grab some lunch. He places my order at the speaker and then orders his own food.

Boyfriend: “Oh, I have a coupon for a dollar off the nachos, but I left it at home. Can I still use it?”

Employee: “No, sir, you need to have the coupon with you.”

Boyfriend: “Forget it then, just cancel it.”

He then peels out of the drive-thru. I can barely hear the employee through the speaker asking if he means just cancel the one item or the whole order as he races away.

Boyfriend: “That was stupid!”

Me: “Agreed. Why on earth would you ask to use a coupon you don’t have on you? You used to work in retail. You should know better.”

Boyfriend: “No, I meant he was stupid. He should have just given me the dollar off. What’s the big deal?”

Me: “Look, your house is only a mile away. Let’s just go grab the coupon and come back and get our food.”

Boyfriend: “I don’t actually have a coupon; I just said that to get a break on the price. I do it all the time. Normally they don’t care and just do it.”

And that is one of the (many) reasons he is now my ex!

Related:
The Couponator 54: Fanta Flour Power
The Couponator 53: Binder Of Fury
The Couponator 52: The District Doppelgänger
The Couponator 51: Dawn Of A New Stupider Age
The Couponator 50: Endgame

My wife and I are being sappy:

Me: “You know, while I don’t really believe in soulmates, I’ve been thinking: With apologies to Asimov, any sufficiently compatible partners are indistinguishable from soulmates.”

Her: “Sweetie, that was Clarke.”

Me: “SEE! Proving my point!”

I was once at one of those Hibachi restaurants, and at this one they give you free ice cream on your birthday. I didn’t want mine, so I gave it to my grandparents. When I was recounting the story of my “birthday ice cream” to my boyfriend, I accidentally said:

Me: “Yeah, dinner was great. I let my grandparents eat my ‘birth cream’.”

Boyfriend: *Laughing.* “Wow! You saved it all this time?”

I have thought about my words before I spoke them sooooo carefully ever since then.

My fiancé and I don’t really like large groups of people. We both work in retail, and by the time we get home, we are peopled out and need a break.

Two years ago, I told him, “If you find any spiders in the house or I spot any, I need you to kill them. I’m allergic.” I am also TERRIFIED of them. Fast forward two years. I walk in and am swollen from head to toe with red splotches all over.

Fiancé: “What the heck happened to you?!”

Me: “I got bit by a spider in my sleep.”

Fiancé: “And THAT happened?!”

Me: “Uh, yeah. I told you I am allergic, remember?”

Fiancé: “Well… yeah… but I thought you meant ‘allergic’ like I am to people!”