My roommate’s mother is visiting for the first time. She meets my girlfriend.
Roommate’s Mother: “So, [Girlfriend], do you have any brothers or sisters?”
Girlfriend: “Yes, I have a younger sister here in town and an older brother who lives in Colombia.”
Roommate: “Get out! I never knew you had a brother.”
There’s a pause.
Me: “I never knew you had a brother!”
We later broke up. Lack of communication was a factor.
My wife and I were driving through morning traffic on the way to work. I glanced to my left and saw a car with Maine license plates and a University of Maine license plate holder.
Me: *Casually* “Which state has only one syllable in its name?”
She pondered for a second.
Wife: “Maine.”
Me: “And which state borders only one other state?”
Wife: *Instantly* “Maine!”
Me: “And which state is secretly ruled by a mysterious cabal of potato people?”
Wife: “Maine!”
Me: “Exactly so.”
Some friends and I are at a dinner party hosted by a boyfriend/girlfriend couple we know. Dinner is finished.
Boyfriend: “Your turn to load the dishwasher, babe.”
Girlfriend: “No, it’s yours.”
Boyfriend: “Pretty sure it’s yours.”
Girlfriend: “Staring contest?”
Boyfriend: “Okay, three… two… one… go!”
Suddenly, they’re both locked in an intense staring match.
Girlfriend: “Wait, are we allowed to talk during a staring contest? Blink once for yes, twice for no.”
Boyfriend: *Blinks once.* “I mean, yes, wait… I… s***!”
Girlfriend: “Have fun loading the dishwasher, babe.”
Boyfriend: “What kind the f*** kind of Jedi mind trick was that?!”
Girlfriend: “The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.”
I recently got into making crafts out of polymer clay. One day, I made a bunch of things and set them on a tray, ready to be baked. My girlfriend, wanting to be helpful, offered to put them in the oven for me while I was off doing something else.
Girlfriend: “Three-seventy-five degrees, right?”
Me: “Hm? Oh, right, yeah.”
Not long after, she came over to me.
Girlfriend: “Um, there’s smoke coming out of the oven.”
Me: “That’s weird, because— Oh, s***! Two-seventy-five! Two-seventy-five!“
We both raced to get the smoking plastic out of the oven and open every single window to air out the place before we managed to either suffocate ourselves or set off the entire building’s smoke alarm. Luckily, we got to it soon enough that our emergency was entirely localized to our apartment, and on some of the pieces, the singeing actually made them look kind of cool, just not how I had intended them to look.
Eventually, my girlfriend spoke up.
Girlfriend: “Thanks for not getting mad at me.”
Me: “Why would I get mad at you? You literally asked me, and I told you it was okay. I’m the one who should know, so I’m the one who f***ed up! Thank you for not getting mad at me!“
CONTENT WARNING: Morning Sickness
When my mom got pregnant with me, my parents lived in an apartment with two bathrooms: one right off the master bedroom and one down the hall. My mom had horrible morning sickness that tended to strike in the wee hours of the morning, leading to my exhausted dad dragging himself out of bed to hold her hair back at 3:00 am on a regular basis.
One night, my mom woke up with enough warning that she decided to run for the far bathroom to avoid waking my dad yet again. This was not a good idea; she was physically holding her hands over her mouth to keep anything from spilling out before she got to the toilet. When she got there and started retching, she heard my dad’s sleepy, innocent voice from their bedroom.
Dad: “Honey, could you do that a little quieter, please?”
She graciously did not murder him. When she told him about the incident in the morning, he had no memory of it and was HORRIFIED. They were both relieved when the morning sickness subsided, though for very different reasons!
