He’ll Do Things With His Thingy

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2017

(My fiancée is currently working late shifts, so he is in bed when I leave for work in the morning. I usually give him a kiss goodbye, but I have a minute spare, so I climb into bed to give him a cuddle over the covers.)

Fiancée: “Are you naked?”

Me: “No, I’m just about to leave for work; why would I be naked?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know; I can always hope.”

Me: “What would you do?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know. Things.”

Underwear Beware

, , , , | Romantic | September 23, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are in bed at night, binge watching a TV series. We live with his father, so walking around the house in a state of undress is a no-go for me. I suddenly remember I bought grapes, which are my boyfriend’s favourite fruit.)

Me: “I bought grapes, by the way. They’re in the fridge.”

Boyfriend: “Really?!” *looks at me, hinting for me to go get them*

Me: “Now? Ugh, fine. I’ll have to find some PJs. I’m in my underwear here!”

Boyfriend: *flips the duvet cover off himself dramatically and points to his own boxer shorts* “What’s THIS?!”

(At this point he looks down and realises the button on his fly has come loose, and everything is on display. We both crack up laughing.)

Boyfriend: *in a tone of bewilderment* “What is this? I just found it!”

We’re Not Toying With You Anymore

, , , , , | Romantic | September 22, 2017

(My boyfriend is the bad customer in this story. We’re picking up a few things for our dog at a pet store when he comes across an aisle of squeaky dog toys and gleefully begins “testing” each one, squeezing it once or twice before moving on to the next one.)

Me: “Do you have any idea how annoying you’re being?”

Boyfriend: “Hey, I just want to know what they all sound like so we can pick out the best one.” *continues squeezing the toys*

Me: “She doesn’t need any new toys, and anyway, they all sound the same. Don’t be rude to the people who work here.”

Boyfriend: “Whatever, they can probably just tune it out. They won’t mind.”

(I’m about to say something else, when an employee approaches with a forced-looking smile. Having worked retail myself, I know a “customer service” smile when I see one.)

Employee: “Do you guys need help finding anything?”

Me: “No, thanks; we’re just about done. Is he driving you all crazy?”

Employee: *still smiling* “I really can’t answer that honestly.”

(I turned back to my boyfriend with a smirk. He blushed, immediately let go of the toy he had been squeaking, and walked quickly towards the registers.)

Ice Cream Can Never Fail

, , , , | Romantic | September 21, 2017

(My partner picks me up from university, with their sister in tow. We take their sister to the local pizza place to pick up her takeaway order, and while she’s inside my partner turns to me.)

Partner: *slightly evasive* “Hey, I need to run some things up if that’s okay.”

Me: “Yeah, sure.” *beat* “Wait, what? I heard, ‘I need to run some things…’ and my brain just filled in, ‘…by you,’ I guess, so I answered okay, but what?”

Partner: *flustered* “Pick some things up. Run and pick some things up. Yeah. After we drop off [Sister]? I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling up to it, since I know you had a long day.”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s fine.”

(Their sister returns, and we drop her off. I mention to her that, as I assume, we’re going to go do some quick grocery shopping. While we’re in the driveway, I turn to my partner and ask:)

Me: “So, what things did you need to pick up?”

Partner: *exclaiming loudly* “[My Favorite Ice Cream Place]!”

Me: “Um, what?”

Partner: *hiding face in hands* “I was going to surprise you by taking you to [Ice Cream Place], because you were so sad last time we tried to go and they were closed. But I’m really bad at lying.”

Me: “Oh no! That’s so sweet of you, though. Thank you!”

Partner: “I was going to be so cool, just driving along, and eventually you were going to ask me where we were going, and I was going to say [Ice Cream Place]! But then you asked immediately and I didn’t have an answer prepared. I failed at being romantic!”

(I didn’t actually feel like I could stomach ice cream right then, anyway, so we did go to the grocery store after all, and picked up some dessert for another night. Next time, I’ll try not to be so nosy!)

They Don’t Play For Your Team In This Bar

, , , , , | Romantic | September 20, 2017

(I’m at a gay sports bar. I notice one guy that I think is cute, so I go over to talk.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Stranger: “Doing all right.”

Me: “Cool. Enjoying yourself?”

Stranger: “Yeah, but there are a lot of dudes here. Is there a good spot nearby to meet chicks?”

Me: *realization sets in* “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Stranger: “No. Why?”

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