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Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Time To Make A Clean Getaway

, , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2021

My husband is very anal about cleaning; I am not. With an eighteen-month-old especially, it’s very difficult to keep up with the cleaning. My husband has worked from home for years and I stay to take care of the baby during the day. Typically, he comes downstairs after work, watches the baby while I make dinner, and then cleans the kitchen while I get the baby ready for bed. It’s a schedule that works for us.

But today, he had a very late meeting during dinner, so I fed the baby and got her ready myself. For once, I actually was able to take the time to quickly clean her tray table which, apparently, was to my husband’s satisfaction. Unfortunately, he assumed this was beyond my capabilities.

Husband: “Are you sure you fed her dinner?”

Me: *Pauses* “No, I dreamed it.”

Husband: “Well, her tray is clean.”

Me: “Because I cleaned it. Did you think I’d lie about feeding my own child?”

Husband: “Okay, maybe I said the wrong thing.”

Me: “Oh, there is no ‘maybe’. You definitely said the wrong thing.”

Let’s just say that my husband suffered from foot-in-mouth disease and stepped in it big time. I set him straight.

For the record, my child is always given three square healthy meals a day and snacks. My husband knows I would never just not feed her; he was just being an idiot.

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It’s A Little Early In Their Lives For That Lesson

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 11, 2021

I’m an elementary school teacher. During the quarantine, I was moved to teaching online from my home and struggled to keep coming up with engaging lessons for my remote learners.

One day, I decided to incorporate our two cats into my lesson for humorous effect. The cats were not cooperative, of course, but after numerous takes, I finally managed to film the lesson to my satisfaction. I showed the video to my wife.

Me: “Well, it took forever and my legs are scratched to h***, but I really think my kids will get a kick out of this.”

Wife: “You realize your big poster for [Marijuana-Themed Movie] is in the background of every shot?”

Me: …”

Me: “Okay, [Cat #1] and [Cat #2], time for a reshoot!”

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Money Management Can Make Or Break A Relationship

, , , , , | Romantic | September 4, 2021

My girlfriend comes home to find me setting up a pair of surround sound speakers.

Girlfriend: “Are these new?”

Me: “Yeah, they are the ones I told you I was getting.”

Girlfriend: “They look expensive.”

Me: “They were a bit, but I’ve been putting money away.”

Girlfriend: “Well, if you have all this money, you can treat me.”

Me: “Wait, no. I saved up while you spent your money on yourself. I suggested you start a savings account, but you didn’t want to.”

Girlfriend: “You have savings and you are going to just spend it on yourself?”

Me: “Yes.”

Girlfriend: “Well, maybe I will do the same!”

Me: “You do already. You spend every paycheck on clothes and shoes. I told you that you should have at least some savings. What happens if your car breaks down?”

Girlfriend: “I’ll just use yours.”

Me: *Pauses* “I’m not sure you’re getting this whole equal relationship thing.”

I guess that was the beginning of the end. We never moved past the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine” thing. It didn’t last long.

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You Gotta Learn To Prioritize

, , , | Romantic | September 1, 2021

My husband, our dog, and I are nearing the end of a train journey. We get up to disembark.

Me: “Have we got everything?”

Husband: “Hat. Luggage. Dog. Wife. Yep!”

I raise my eyebrows.

Husband: “Um, not in that particular order, of course.”

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Retroactively Robbing The Cradle

, , , , , | Romantic | August 29, 2021

My fiancé is extremely smart; however, sometimes he forgets the age gap between us, and even though it’s only five years, it’s humorous to me.

We are laying in bed looking at a certain photo app, and the trend of a video showing when you and your significant other met and where you are now is playing.

Fiancé: “I wish I would have known you in high school. I would have made all my friends jealous.”

I turn and stare at him.

Fiancé: “What? I would have!”

Me: “Hun, when you were eighteen in high school, I was thirteen!”

Fiancé: “OH! OH, NO! No, I didn’t mean that! Not like that! I forgot!”

I just about died of laughter.

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