An Explosive Romance

, , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2017

(I write romance novels, and I’m stuck on a particular bit of banter. My husband walks past my office while I’m staring off into space.)

Me: “Hey, what do people turn the lights down for, other than romantic stuff? I need something funny for the banter in this scene, and I’m drawing a blank.”

Husband: “Transporting nitroglycerin?”

(Exhibit A for the case of “why my husband and I will probably never co-write a book.”)

Managed To Turn It All Around

, , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2017

(My boyfriend is working in the study as I’m coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study, completely naked, and stand behind him.)

Me: “Hi, I’m a distraction.”

Boyfriend: “Then I won’t turn around, because I don’t like those.” *keeps tapping away on the computer*

(Suddenly, I see a little video-screen displaying the study pop up on the computer screen. The image is clearly coming from the webcam on the computer. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for my boyfriend, my naked body is completely covered by the back of the chair. We both begin to laugh uncontrollably.)

Boyfriend: “Drat! Now I have to turn around anyway!” *turns around and gives me a kiss*

Your Hidden Agendas

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 12, 2017

(My husband and I are coming close to our first wedding anniversary when we move to a new apartment. Apparently, worried that I will discover his card, my husband hides it somewhere. Of course, in the chaos of the move, he forgets where he has hidden it, and is very embarrassed on our anniversary day. A few months later, on Valentine’s, he gives me the present and tells me that he purchased the card but forgot where he hid it. I start to suspect a foul play. Fast forward a few months. While cleaning, I discover the intended Valentine’s Day card, which I successfully give him on the next Valentine’s Day.)

Husband: “My hiding skills pay out very well, don’t they? I buy a card ahead of time. I hide it. I forget about it. You find it and use it.”

Me: “Keep the good stuff coming, love.”

The Definition Is Fluid

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 10, 2017

(I have made some new friends, and I am discussing them with my boyfriend.)

Me: “…and then there’s [Friend’s Name], but they usually go by [Gender-Neutral Name].”

Boyfriend: “Because she’s a tomboy?”

Me: “Not really. They described themselves as gender-fluid.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “You know? Someone who identifies as being either gender?”

Boyfriend: *look of realisation” “Oh! That’s what that means!”

Me: “What did you think it meant?”

Boyfriend: “I don’t want to say.”

Me: “You thought it was an actual fluid didn’t you?”

Boyfriend: “…maybe.”

Me: *jokingly* “And what did this magical fluid do? Make you change genders?”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “Seriously!?”

Boyfriend: “There’s medical breakthroughs every day!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re focusing more on curing cancer than making you a drink to give you a vagina!”

The Hero Of My Dreams

, , , , | Romantic | September 9, 2017

(My wife usually wakes up after I have already left for work. This morning I get a text from her.)

Wife: “You were mean to me last night. First you kept laying your leg over me. Then you stole the comforter, and when I put on another blanket, you stole that, and then somehow you scratched my arm.”

Me: “I am so sorry, Baby. I had some weird dreams.”

Wife: “And you took it out on your wife.”

Me: “Actually, in my dream, I was trying to save you from being stuffed in a bag and carried off. A scratch is nothing in the face of that.”

Wife: “My hero.”

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