My husband is just about to start a new job abroad, coming home for one week every month. We’ve had to put moving house on hold, and I’ve had to delay my lifelong dream to get a dog. We’ve both agreed that this is a great opportunity for his career, and the job market isn’t good enough to argue. But it still sucks. While he’s packing to leave, we had the following conversation.

Me: “I’m going to miss you when you’re away.”

Husband: “No, you won’t, you’ll replace me in the first week.”

Me: “You know I don’t have time for that. Where would I even look for a replacement?”

Husband: “At the animal shelter?”

My friends and I usually hold our birthday parties at a bar we all enjoy. At the time of this story, [Friend #1] has recently moved in with his girlfriend as his birthday approached, and so had warned us that we might need to pick a different venue from usual.

This SHOULD have been his (and our) first red flag, but we, the dumba**es, just assumed the different location meant the bar was now out of his way enough to make travel questionable. When he confirmed the usual spot would be fine, we let our worries fade away.

His birthday arrives, and we eat, drink, and be merry. Halfway through the festivities, [Girlfriend] shows up.

Girlfriend: “What the f*** are you still doing here?”

Friend #2: “We’re having a party? That’s kind of what birthdays are for.”

Girlfriend: “Go f*** yourself.” *To [Friend #1].* “Why the h*** are you drinking?”

Friend #1: “Because the drinks taste good.”

Girlfriend: “Are you done?”

Friend #1: “Done what?”

Girlfriend: “Being drunk.”

Friend #3: “That’s… not how alcohol works.”

Girlfriend: “F*** you, too.” *Grabbing [Friend #1]’s arm.* “We’re leaving.”

Friend #1: *Wrenching his arm free.* “No, YOU’RE leaving. I am going to enjoy my birthday party as I TOLD you I was going to LAST WEEK.”

[Girlfriend] stormed out of the bar and waited ominously by the curb until the bouncer drove her off. [Friend #1] moved out of her place the very next day and crashed with me while he was looking for a new home.

Years later, he refers to her barging in on his birthday party as “the best birthday gift she could’ve given me” – a giant warning sign that she was going to try and force her preferences on him as long as they were dating, allowing him to get out of the relationship ASAP.

It has snowed overnight. My husband has just looked out the window.

Husband: “It’s still snowing. The cars and plows are moving slowly, so it must be slick.”

Me: *After a minute.* “Oh, I see. I thought you said the cars and CLOUDS were moving slowly, which made sense until you said it was slick!”

Husband: “Hey, clouds don’t want to slip and fall. That’s how you get fog!”

My father-in-law lives on a farm out in the Brazilian countryside. I didn’t grow up in the country and have always been careful around any creepy crawlies in case they have a nasty surprise. As you can imagine, when visiting the farm, there is a good mix of insects, spiders, snakes, and even scorpions to be aware of.

I am playing with my five-month-old son in the front room when I look up and see a spider about the size of my hand crawling up the sofa about a metre away. I grab the baby and go and find my husband (the native).

Me: “[Husband], there is a giant spider on the sofa, can you have a look and see if it is safe or not?”

Husband: “Oh, [My Name], it can’t be that bad.”

It should be said, I am not afraid of spiders or things like that, and have never exaggerated about one in my life. He gets up to have a look and immediately swears loudly. This attracts the attention of one of the housekeepers there, who immediately runs off to grab the bug spray once she has caught a glimpse of it.

Me: “So… that’s a bad one, huh?”

Husband: “Ah, it would give you a nasty bite, but probably wouldn’t kill you.”

Me: *Still holding my son.* “And the baby?”

Husband: *After a few seconds.* “It might kill the baby, yeah.”

Welcome to the tropics!

My husband and I are lying in bed, fiddling on our phones, getting our alarms set, etc. He just downloaded the Steam app and needed to put in a verification code, and was trying to get me to help him remember the letters by using the NATO alphabet.

Husband: “Okay, the code is ‘C’ as in Charlie, 73, ‘J’ as in…wait, what’s ‘J’ again?

He looks at me, and my mind goes numbingly blank.

Me: “…Dj …ang …oooooo?”

Husband: *Blinks.* “Excuse me? Did you just say “Django”? Which doesn’t even start with a ‘J’?”

Me: “Uh… all I can think of is TANGO! But that’s ‘T’! And so, I said Django!”

I bury my face in the pillow.

Me: “I’m going to sleep now.”