We Can’t Come Up With A Better Joke Than He Did

, , , , | Romantic | May 27, 2020

I don’t know how it is for most women, but my monthly cycle gives me noticeable changes in my hormones almost every week, so it’s pretty easy to tell where in my cycle I am.

This particular night, I am talking with my husband when I realize that the reason I’ve been having one particular stress all evening is that I’m getting my “one week to chaos” warning. I mention this to him.

Husband: “What, so this is the ‘week before’ meeting, to finalize plans leading up to the event?”

I roll my eyes a little.

Me: “I guess so.”

Husband: *In a dramatic commercial tone* “Hormone Event Planners; the best planners in the body. Period.”

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Sometimes The Trash Takes Itself Out

, , , , , | Romantic | May 23, 2020

I have a crush on a former coworker and just found out it was mutual. While we aren’t specifically told not to date in the workplace, you do have to disclose your relationship to management so they can be sure there’s no conflict of interest. We are only seeing each other during work breaks, so we haven’t said anything to anyone.

During one of our unpaid lunch breaks, we are walking toward the exit when one of our regular customers approached me. He has a mental handicap, usually has someone with him to shop, and often calls the female associates “sweetie” or “darling.” He’s one of my favorite customers because he’s always happy and has nice things to say about the people he meets.

Customer: “Hey, sweetie, going to lunch?”

Me: “Yup, just heading out now. Gonna go to [Sandwich Shop].”

Customer: “All righty, you have a good day!”

As soon as he’s out of earshot, my coworker speaks.

Coworker: “What a f****** r*****d.”

Me: *Shocked* “What?”

Coworker: “That guy!”

Me: “You mean [Customer]?”

Coworker: “How is that pervert not in jail?”

Me: “Because he’s done nothing wrong.”

Coworker: “He called you ‘sweetie.’”

Me: “Yeah. He calls lots of people ‘sweetie.’ It’s just his greeting.”

Coworker: “He should be banned. F****** disgusting.”

Me: “Um… are you jealous? Because that’s—”

Coworker: “Of a r****d? Are you kidding?”

Me: “Why does it matter how he addresses me? He’s not—”

Coworker: “He obviously wants to f*** you.”

Me: “He does not.”

I stop just outside the exit doors. 

Me: “What is wrong with you?”

He puts his arm around my shoulder.

Coworker: “I’m just looking out for you. You can’t talk to guys like that. They’re pigs.”

I push him off me.

Me: “And I suppose you don’t want anything from me?”

Coworker: *Laughs* “Well, I mean, I’m not—”

He hits his chest twice, makes the childish hand gesture for calling someone the R-word.

Coworker: “—like him.”

Me: “You know, I don’t think we’ll have to tell management about anything between us.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I don’t want to go out with you.”

Coworker: “Because of him?!”

Me: “Because of you.”

I walked back into the store and sat in the break room for my entire lunch, not eating. One of the managers noticed and asked what was wrong. I told her about the conversation, and she thanked me and left. Since he was off the clock, there was no real repercussion, but I think it did save me a lot of trouble down the road.

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A Shortcut To Your Man’s Heart

, , , , , | Romantic | May 20, 2020

Like a lot of people who grew up in rural areas, I get really, really excited about morel mushrooms. My boyfriend has never tried morels before; he likes mushrooms but doesn’t get why I’m so excited about these ones. When I invite him to come morel-hunting with my family and me one spring, he declines because it’s a four-hour drive each way.

I come back covered in mud, exhausted, and with about a pound and a half of morels, grinning from ear to ear, and clean and prep them for him to cook the next day. Following the Internet and my recommendation, he lightly batters them with ground hazelnut, fries them, and tips them off onto a paper towel to cool.

He’s still hesitant, but grabs one to try… and his eyes go wide. He finishes that one, reaches for another, and starts bouncing up and down. He’s usually a stoic, and I have literally never seen him react like this before!

Boyfriend: “Okay, I get it. I want to come morel-hunting next year! Think we can find more of these?! Enough to dry and keep year-round?”

I can’t resist teasing a bit.

Me: “Even with eight hours of driving?”

Boyfriend: “H*** yeah!”

I was delighted to add my boyfriend to our yearly foraging party next spring!

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So Not Engaging In This Nonsense

, , , , , | Romantic | May 18, 2020

I’m a woman doing my weekly grocery shop, wearing a T-shirt with a character from a popular webcomic. A man steps in front of me — ignoring the social distancing guidelines of two metres — and starts talking to me.

Man: “Hi there! I like your shirt.”

I move away from him.

Me: “Thank you.”

Man: “Would you like to get coffee or something sometime?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Man: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m engaged.”

Man: “Oh, really?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “I don’t see a ring.”

Me: “As it happens, my fiancee asked me to marry her about two months ago. We planned to visit my parents to tell them in person and collect my deceased grandmother’s engagement ring from their safety deposit box for me to wear. Obviously, that’s not possible right now.”

Man: “You could have just said you’re a lesbian instead of wasting my time.”

Me: “And you could have just accepted ‘no, thank you’ right off the bat, but here we are.”

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This Guy Is One Weird Noodle

, , , , | Romantic | May 16, 2020

I am a female in my early twenties, on my own, doing some grocery shopping on a cold January morning. As I am waiting for checkout, I see a middle-aged man a few checkouts down from me, carrying a colorful bundle of foam pool noodles.

I’ll admit I am pretty blatantly staring because, A, what does he need pool noodles in January for? And B, [Retail Chain] sells pool noodles in January? 

I watch him walk away, and then I pay for my groceries and go to return my cart.

To my shock, Pool Noodle Man walks right up to me from the exit doors. I had thought him long gone. 

Pool Noodle Man: “Are you Italian? You look Italian.”

I look down at my pasty-white skin and back up with my pale blue eyes.

Me: “Noooooo.”

Pool Noodle Man: “Oh, but you looked Italian. Are you married?”

Me: *Shook* “I don’t believe that’s any of your business.”

He then turned and high-tailed it out of there, fast. It wasn’t until later that I realized he probably took my staring as a sign of interest. Maybe he didn’t think there was anything odd about pool noodles in January?

I still don’t know why he thought “Are you Italian?” was a complimentary or appropriate pick-up line to use on a woman twenty-odd years younger than him.

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