The Golden Years Need Some Polishing

, , , , | Romantic | January 21, 2020

(I overheard this conversation in my parents’ kitchen. My mother is 86 and my father is 90.)

Mother: “I can’t believe I spent $200 at the market. I can remember when it was around $60.”

Father: “I can remember when you were around 60.”

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Washing Your Hands Of This Date

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2020

(I’m a waiter at a fancy restaurant.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir, are those ‘must wash hands’ signs only for the employees?”

Me: “Yes, sir. By law, we must wash our hands to prevent contamination.”

Customer’s Date: *looks disgusted, gets up, and leaves*

Customer: *plays on his phone for thirty minutes, then throws money on the table and leaves*

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Alarmingly Sweet

, , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2020

(I am a notoriously heavy sleeper, needing multiple cell phone alarms plus a digital alarm clock to help me wake up in the morning. My husband, on the other hand, wakes up well before his alarm and is often up an hour or two earlier than me due to his work schedule. One morning, I vaguely hear my alarms from the depth of my dreams and hear my husband stomping his way into the bedroom to turn them off. I bring it up with him later that day.)

Me: “Did me sleeping through my alarms this morning annoy you?”

Husband: “No, why?”

Me: “I heard you come stomping in the room like you were thinking, ‘All this f****** noise and she’s not even moving!’”

Husband: “No! I was rushing to turn them off because I didn’t want it to wake you up!”

Me: *staring at him in confusion* “You do… You do know what alarms are for, right?”

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My Face Is Up Here, And My Age Is Way Down There

, , , , , | Romantic | January 12, 2020

(I’m sixteen, Catholic, and a virgin. I feel a tad uncomfortable talking about romantic matters in a work setting, let alone sexual matters; my face quickly becomes a tomato. Unfortunately, I have a larger chest size, but my face is definitely too young to look older than twenty. In short, I’m not someone you’d think one would try to aggressively flirt with. A 50- to 60-year-old man is placing an order as I’ve just gotten off shift. I don’t have my license yet; my mom’s supposed to pick me up in a few minutes to take me home to my brother’s First Communion party. She texts me she’s going to be late, so I use my employee meal to get a snack and sit down at a table to wait. Then, the older man sees me.)

Old Man: *staring directly at my chest, speaking seductively* “I like what I see up there, sweetie. Do you want to, perhaps, come over later?”

Me: *very uncomfortable* “Um… I–” *grimaces in discomfort and panic*

(The grimace eventually catches his attention, because his followup question has a note of panic in it.)

Old Man: “Wait. How old are you?” *still staring at certain parts”

Me: *a bit too loud due to panic* “Sixteen! I’m sixteen!”

Old Man: *now embarrassed* “Oh. Never mind, then.”

(Every one of my coworkers who was on shift laughed at me for my reaction. I suppose failing to appreciate the flirtatious endeavors of someone forty years older than you is hilarious. I hope I never see that guy again; he made me feel small and gross, like a used toy.)

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Dogs Reveal All Truths

, , , , | Romantic | January 9, 2020

(This story was told to me by a friend of mine who works as a technician in a vet clinic. I asked her to tell me about some of the craziest experiences she’s had, and even though she has dealt with a lot of outrageous customer scenarios, this one surpasses them all.)

Customer: “My dog has been acting strange and vomiting, and I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

Vet Tech: “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’ll examine him and figure out what’s going on.” 

(They end up having to do an x-ray of the dog. Sometime later…)

Vet Tech: “Well, ma’am, it seems your dog has eaten something that he cannot digest. We can see a foreign body on the x-ray, but we can’t tell what it is. We will have to remove it for the dog’s safety.”

Customer: “Of course, do whatever you have to. I just can’t imagine what he could have eaten. He’s not usually interested in eating anything he shouldn’t around the house.”

(The vet goes ahead with the operation, and everything goes well. While the dog is recovering, the technician goes to tell the customer about the foreign object they removed.)

Vet Tech: “Good news, ma’am; your dog is doing just fine. Here’s the object we removed.” *embarrassed pause* “It seems to be a pair of your underwear.”

Customer: *much longer embarrassed pause, staring at the underwear with a strange look on her face* “Those… aren’t mine.”

(The dog made a full recovery, but the customer’s relationship with her boyfriend did not! What a way to find out about a cheating significant other.)

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