Were You Married To A Royal Blue Tang?

, , , | Romantic | April 18, 2019

(My ex-husband has a habit of bringing up mistakes from my past to “win” an argument or deflect attention from himself. For example, if I ask him why he hasn’t done something he said he would, he might answer by talking about someone I dated in the early 2000s, or a falling-out I’d had with a relative that I had apologized and been forgiven for long ago. At the same time, he routinely forgets about things we have done together or entire conversations we’ve had. By the time this exchange occurs, I am sick of both of these things happening.)

Ex-Husband: “Hey, whatever happened with [issue we discussed at length yesterday]?”

Me: “We talked all about that yesterday.”

Ex-Husband: “Oh. Huh. I forgot. I need to figure out how to improve my memory.”

Me: “Just pretend everything is a mistake I made over 15 years ago; then you’ll remember every detail.”

Ex-Husband: “Wooow. That was hurtful.”

Me: “Yes. It is very hurtful that you can remember something I did wrong 15 years ago, to someone else, better than a whole conversation we had yesterday.”

(I wish I could say this was the most childish thing he did, but it’s not even close. Thank you, divorce gods!)

Poke-man-splaining Is So Sexy

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 16, 2019

(For a brief time during college, my friend group hangs out with a guy who fancies himself God’s gift to women and whose favored way of flirting is to find out what a woman likes and style himself as knowing far more about it than she does. I am the first in our friend group he tries this trick on. At the time, I am casually getting into the competitive side of the Pokemon games, which involves raising a team of six monsters to fight against other people’s teams of six monsters.)

Guy: “Let me show you my Pokemon team. It is perfectly crafted to counter all threats that can be thrown against it. I spent hours analyzing the top players to create it.”

Me: “Sure. I’m just running with some of my favorites and a strategy I like. They aren’t top-tier or anything; I just do this for fun.”

Guy: “Well, once the battle is over I’ll explain to you how to actually win.”

(The battle commences in all its Nintendo DS tension and glory. I wipe the floor with him.)

Guy: “You did not use proper Pokemon for real competition and your strategy was weak. I only created my team to win real competitive battles. Change your team and we’ll fight again.

Me: “They beat you well enough, but sure. This team is a group of spares I raised up that don’t fit with the strategy of my main bunch.”

(My victory this time is more hard fought, but just as decisive.)

Guy: “You aren’t using these Pokemon like a proper competitive player would, so I can’t predict your actions to counter them. Change your team and we’ll fight again.”

Me: “Okay… I do have half of an experimental gimmick team I could fill out with some reserves.”

Guy: “Use that.”

(Finally, after insisting I use the team of monsters that consists of my half-finished joke strategy and a few others that don’t fit with the strategy, he gets his victory.)  

Guy: “Now, let me tell you what you did wrong and explain how to do it right!”

(I did not listen to him, and it was not long before our friend group stopped hanging out with him. Part of me does wish I could meet him one more time for a rematch, since my half-complete, jokey gimmick team is now a fully functional and competitively viable powerhouse that, despite its ridiculousness, would absolutely destroy him.)

Don’t Get (La)Cross With The Innuendo

, , , , , | Romantic | April 14, 2019

(I’m not particularly interested in sports, while my boyfriend happens to be an athletic trainer. I have just brought him some fast food to a men’s lacrosse game he is working.)

Boyfriend: “So, do you understand how lacrosse is played?”

Me: “Sure! These boys have to score by handling their shafts while running down the field cradling the balls!”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *smiles sweetly*

Boyfriend: “Butthead.”

A Wheely Bad Joke

, , , , | Romantic | April 12, 2019

(When other cars are around, my father is a very good driver. When there aren’t cars nearby, he doesn’t pay quite so much attention and often slides a bit into other lanes. This really annoys my mother, but after 27 years, she’s come to the conclusion that it’s not worth mentioning unless it’s quite egregious. Every so often, though, she feels the need to say something, as in this instance:)

Mom: “Honey… you’re in the bike lane.”

Dad: “Oh, that’s okay; I only have two wheels there!”

(It should be noted that he would have been nowhere near the bike lane if there were bikes anywhere in the vicinity. He really is a very safe driver. But he saw his chance to be a smart-alec, and he took it.)

Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

, , , , , | Romantic | April 11, 2019

(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

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