The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2018

(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

You’re All Just Numbers To Them

, , , , | Romantic | January 17, 2018

(I am talking to a guy on [Dating App]. After a good while of talking:)

Guy: “Wow! We have so much in common. You are the perfect woman. Smart, beautiful… May I ask what your height is?”

Me: “Sure. I’m 1m, 53cm tall.”

Guy: Awww. Almost perfect. Oh, well, I usually like taller women, but I can try to overlook your defect.”

(I obviously tell him off and never speak to him again, until, on a different social media platform:)

Guy: “Hi! I saw your pictures and I think we have a lot in common. Can we talk and get to know each other?”

(Is he for real?!)

Death Becomes Her, Part 5

, , , , , | Romantic | January 16, 2018

(I am checking out a married couple at my till. It is just about sunset.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Husband: “Good.” *looks at wife* “She hasn’t killed me yet.”

Wife: *chuckling* “The day’s not over yet, honey.”

 

Related:

Death Becomes Her, Part 4

Death Becomes Her, Part 3

Death Becomes Her, Part 2

When You’re Planning On Dating Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2018

(I am sat next to my male colleague, who I’m quite good friends with. I’m female and have recently realised I’m bi. I am complaining to him about my new discovery that I am terrible at chatting up women, when I realise that he has a girlfriend and ask him for tips. Note that we’re both lawyers. We chat for a bit about what he used to do and then…)

Colleague: “I think now… Okay, so, I guess if it was now, you’d want to just talk to her. And then you agree that it’s exclusive, so you know the terms you stand on.”

Me: “Are you suggesting I make her sign an exclusivity agreement?”

Colleague: “Bring it on the first date.”

Me: “That’ll go down well.”

Colleague: “Make sure you include all the relevant warranties.”

Me: “To the best of my knowledge and belief, I am not dating anyone else?”

Colleague: “Schedule five contains a list of all former relationships.”

Me: “A list of all ex-lovers who might want to kill me.”

Colleague: “Let’s go for material relationships; that’ll do it.”

Me: “Do I stick indemnities in there, as well? Like, in the event of a break up, you will indemnify me for the cost of all gifts over a certain amount?”

Colleague: “Couldn’t hurt. You see, this will be very romantic.”

Me: “Yup. Do we have to give notice to terminate?”

Colleague: “No, we’ll go for at-will.”

Me: “Very American. Also sensible.”

Colleague: “Oh, but in the event of a material breach…”

Me: “You have to remedy within ten days?”

Colleague: “Yes!”

Me: “You know, when I asked you for help, I wasn’t expecting you to advise I bring a 100-page legal document with me.”

Colleague: “Well, it could just be heads of terms. So, not binding.”

Me: “Like a lesser version of a prenup?”

Colleague: “If you keep adding terms, though, you know what it’ll be?”

Me: “…what?”

Colleague: “A relationship agreement!”

Me: “…”

Colleague: “What?”

Me: “That’s terrible.”

Colleague: “It’s true, though. It’s an agreement that governs the relationship between two parties. A relationship agreement!”

Me: “This is the last time I ask you for advice on dating.”

(For the record, the other lawyers sitting around us slowly edged away during this conversation…)

 

Related:

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 15

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 14

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 13

Crochet Away

, , , , , | Romantic | January 14, 2018

(I come up to the checkout with a few bundles of yarn and a crochet needle.)

Cashier: “Ooh, you crochet?”

Me: “Not really. My mum made a lot of my clothes as a toddler. I thought I’d challenge myself and see how hard it is.”

Cashier: “That’s nice.”

(She scans my items.)

Cashier: “So, my brother’s single, and he’s looking for a boyfriend.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Is he?”

Cashier: “So…?”

Me: “Card, please.”

Cashier: “No, silly! My brother.”

Me: “What about him?”

Cashier: “Are you interested?”

Me: “Not really. I have a wife and kids.”

Cashier: “You aren’t a very convincing straight man, coming in here and buying your pretty things! I clocked the man-obsession the second you walked in.”

(I start walking to the exit.)

Cashier: *practically screaming* “Wait, don’t you want your things?”

Me: “I’ll look elsewhere, thanks.”

Cashier: “COME BACK ANYTIME! AND LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU COME OUT. MY BROTHER WILL STILL BE SINGLE!”

(I looked elsewhere, and in the end managed to make a decent looking beanie. My wife immediately stole it. I didn’t even get the chance to try it on.)

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