He Probably Thinks Women Don’t Fart, Too

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 28, 2020

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a few weeks when he comes over to my place. We’re sitting on the couch watching a movie, when…

Guy: “Hey, you smell different today. Are you wearing perfume?”

Me: “No, I got a new shower gel.”

Guy: “Why would that make you smell different?”

Me: *Confused pause* “Because it’s a different scent than the last one?”

Guy: “But the shower gel shouldn’t change the way you smell.”

Me: “Um. When you wash with soap, you smell like that soap. You smell like your shower gel, don’t you?”

Guy: “But you’re a girl! You’re supposed to just smell good naturally.”

Me: “Uh… women do sweat, you know. Why do you think we take showers?”

Guy: “It’s to wash off the sweat and stuff. Then, the natural smell comes through, and some girls just smell better than others, just like some girls are prettier than others.”

Me: “Hold up. You really thought the smell of citrus just… came out of my pores? Dude, I’m not a grapefruit.”

Guy: “So you’ve been tricking me this whole time?!”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “You’re just like those girls who wear perfume and makeup! We’re done. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Me: “Fine by me, but I can absolutely guarantee you that any other woman you date is also going to smell like whatever she washes with. You’re not going to find a lady who ‘naturally’ smells like fruit and flowers.”

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Quarantine Must Really Be Getting To Her

, , , , , | Romantic | September 26, 2020

I’m in the living room on my computer and my wife is asleep in the bedroom. She talks in her sleep a lot.

I hear her mumbling.

Me: “Honey?”

Wife: “How long?”

Me: “How long what?”

Wife: *Impatiently* “How long do I have to be in the hamster ball?”

Me: *Laughing* “You’re not in a hamster ball.”

Wife: “BUT HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO BE IN THE HAMSTER BALL?!”

Me: “You’re asleep, honey. You’re fine.”

Wife: *Sounding offended* “I am NOT.”

Me: “I promise, you are.”

Wife: “I’m not asleep! I’M IN A HAMSTER BALL!”

She began snoring immediately. I woke her up for real a few minutes later because I was laughing so hard.

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‘Til Death Do Us Part, Unless I Have Cell Service

, , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2020

I’m on an overnight trip with minimal phone usage allowed. I’m desperately missing my girlfriend, so I find somewhere quiet and give her a call, even though it’s nighttime and I very rarely call people. The conversation greatly helps to soothe my loneliness and homesickness, and the call comes up in a later conversation.

Girlfriend: “I saw your number pop up on my phone and I kid you not, my first thought was, ‘Oh, crap, she’s dead.'”

Me: “How would I have called you if I was dead?”

Girlfriend: “I’m sure you would’ve found a way.”

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Crossing The Cultural Divide… Kind Of

, , , , | Romantic | September 22, 2020

One of my best friends lives in Germany and is in university. She’s describing a relationship between a classmate of hers and a foreign student from the USA.

Friend: “He doesn’t speak German and she doesn’t speak English, but they’re both taking Spanish, so that’s how they communicate!”

Me: “Aw! That’s cute.”

Friend: “But I actually wasn’t sure about something. She likes him, and she thinks he likes her, too, because he’s always super nice to her! But I wanted to ask you what you thought, because I think the way he’s behaving might just be a Southern US thing?”

Me: “Only so much I can tell without meeting the guy, but shoot.”

Friend: “Well, he always holds the door for her, and he walks her to her dorm when it’s late, and…” *Describes a proper Southern Gentleman*

Me: “Ah, yeah. I think this is just a cultural disconnect. Your friend can go for it, but I think he’s just being polite.”

Friend: “I was afraid of that. I’ll let her know.”

The classmate did end up asking the guy out, and he, very politely, let her down. Turns out he was being nice to her because that’s how he was raised and that’s how he treats everybody. Thankfully, because of the forewarning, she wasn’t entirely heartbroken and bounced back quickly.

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What Part Of “Leave Me Alone” Did You Not Understand?

, , , , | Romantic | September 20, 2020

I am at a coffee shop one afternoon when a man sits down with me. I look up from my book just long enough to see that there are plenty of empty tables around us.

The man grabs the top of my book and pulls it down to look at me.

Man: “Hi.”

I pull the book from his grasp and say nothing.

Man: “What’s up?”

Me: “I’m reading.”

Man: “Nice. What book?”

I tilt the book so he can see the cover.

Man: “You come here often?”

Me: “Still reading.”

Man: *Small laugh* “You seeing anyone?”

I hold up my left hand to show my wedding band.

Me: “Married, not interested. Still reading.”

Man: “Right on. Have you been together for a long time?”

I let out an exasperated sigh and glare at him over my book.

Man: “I just wanted to talk to you. That’s all.”

I go back to my book.

Me: “Please leave me alone.”

Man: “You have kids?”

I put down my book.

Me: “Oh, my God, dude. No. Leave me alone!”

Man: “A beautiful woman like you should be popping out babies like a Pez dispenser.” *Laughs*

I’m actually infertile because cancer claimed my reproductive abilities a few years back, but it’s none of his business.

Me: “If you don’t leave me the f*** alone, I’m going to throw this hot coffee in your face.”

Man: *Standing abruptly* “C***.”

He moved to another table and glared at me until I left.

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