Come For The Girls, Stay For The Beer

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 5, 2020

Back when I was using an online dating service, I made plans to meet up with a girl at a bar. I got there a few minutes early and decided to sit at the bar to wait, since the entryway didn’t have any seating and the bar was right next to it. I didn’t get anything, just sat there watching the entryway for her to get in.

A person who looked like her came in and then went to a table with a group at it already. It happened again with another person, so I figured she just had a bit of a generic look. It got to about fifteen minutes later than we planned to meet, so I was just getting ready to order a nice beer to have and then leave — I chose a place with a great beer selection — when a server came over and asked if I was waiting for someone.

I affirmed and he took me over to a table in the bar with a girl and guy sitting at it. She said she was my date. She explained that she came in, saw me sitting at the bar, and thought I was maybe her date, but she saw her friend sitting and immediately went over to him. So, okay, whatever.

We went to sit at a different table, ordered drinks, and chatted. She couldn’t finish her drink, so she took it over to her friend and came back. About thirty minutes later, she looked at the time and said she needed to go because the last bus was about to come. She left immediately, sticking me with the tab for her friend’s drink.

It wasn’t a good date, either. She was always just waiting for me to stop talking so that she could talk about whatever she was thinking about, making no real effort at an actual conversation. At least I was in the habit of suggesting places where I knew I could get great beer, so it wasn’t a completely wasted night.

Not Throwing Away Her Shot (For Some Candy)

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 31, 2020

My mom has been putting off some shots of medication she needs due to the current health crisis because they can affect her immune system, but she finally decides to take them. My dad is helping administer them when he starts joking with her.

Dad: “Are you ready to get these shots like a big girl?”

Mom: “Depends. Do I get any candy afterward?”

Dad: “Yes, you can have one piece of candy.”

Mom: “But it’s two shots!”

Dad: “But it’s one dose.

Mom: “But it’s two shots!

Dad: “But it’s one dose!

This goes back and forth for several minutes, and I’m sitting nearby in the room snickering to myself. Eventually, they agree to disagree and he gives her the first shot.

She handles it, but the second one hits a nerve or something and is very painful. He holds her hand through it and then goes to get her a piece of candy from the bowl on the coffee table.

He gets up to dispose of the needles, and my mom sneaks over to take a second piece of candy. He walks back in as she’s sitting back down. He jokingly glares at her and says:

Dad: “It was one dose!

Mom: “But it was two shots!

My mom then unwrapped both candies and put both in her mouth at the same time. My dad walked out muttering to himself while I absolutely lost it laughing.

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Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2020

I thoroughly enjoy a cartoon my husband doesn’t, and I’ve gotten him to watch a few episodes with me. I’ve just told him about a piece of fan-made merch I’ve ordered and show him the item listing. The featured character is one he’s seen in the episodes we’ve watched.

Husband: *Reading aloud* “’I’ve had a real challenge of a day.’ I can see that, with the crab claws.”

Me: “The what?”

Husband: “Crab claws, ‘cause she’s a crab?”

Me: “I’m gonna repeat her name, okay?”

Husband: “Okay.”

Me: “Scorpia.”

Husband: *Moment of thought* “Lobster?”

Me: *Putting more emphasis on her name* “Scorpia. What do you think she is?”

My husband stares at me blankly, clearly not understanding just what my point is.

Me: “Scorpia?! SCORPION?!”

Husband: *After another moment of thought* “Wow, I’m a f****** idiot.”

I have no idea what the heck kind of crab he thought a lady named Scorpia was. I’m not letting him live this down any time soon, playfully, of course.

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Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 3

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2020

I’m at home. A friend is staying with me due to quarantine. While she is on Facebook, she tells me there is a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor called “Netflix and Chill.” I have been single for five years.

Me: “So I’ll finally be able to get some Netflix and chill!”

Friend: “It is peanut butter ice cream; you’re allergic to peanuts.”

Me: “Maybe I should start thinking about becoming a nun, since not even ice cream will let me have some Netflix and chill.”

Related:
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 2
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward

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But The Internet Is Forever

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 25, 2020

My wife and I have been together for nine years, living together for seven years, and married for almost four years. For the first two years of our relationship, we were long distance, and part of how we communicated with each other was through writing daily haiku on each other’s Facebook profiles. I am scrolling through my Facebook memories when I see a haiku my wife wrote for me in 2012.

Amused, I walk to the bedroom where my wife is playing our Switch. Note that I can be very loud and obnoxious, and I love doing very weird and cartoonish voices when I’m bored.

Me: “Hey. Apparently, in 2012, you wrote this haiku: ‘I love hearing your / voice, and I wish I could hear / it all of the time.'”

Wife: “Uh-huh.”

Me: *Smirking* “How do you feel now?”

She pauses.

Wife: “File that under ‘Things that did not age well.'”

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