Extraterrestrials Need Love, Too

, , , , | Romantic | August 14, 2018

(My best friend has a huge crush on me, and I have one on him, though neither of us realize it at this time. Although his English is very good, he’s not a native speaker, and there are some words he’s understandably never encountered before. We’re both fans of old video games, so we’re checking out some old ATARI games at my house. We’ve loaded up E.T., having never actually played it before. There are no instructions, but apparently one of the core mechanics is that E.T. can “fly” by lifting his head. I’m watching the game being played.)

Friend: *having difficulty getting E.T. out of a pit* “ARGH! He’s not necking anymore!”

(I lost it and had to explain to my very confused friend what “necking” was and why E.T. wasn’t doing it. Thankfully, it didn’t stop him from officially asking me out a few days later.)

Guys So Hot That You Just Got Burned

, , , , | Romantic | August 12, 2018

(My brother and his girlfriend are watching TV in the other room when a commercial for “The Bachelorette” comes on.)

Girlfriend: “Ooh!”

Brother: “You watch that? Why?”

Girlfriend: *sarcastically* “Uh, all the hot guys. Duh.”

Brother: *offended* “You’re never going to get with any of them.”

Girlfriend: “We’re never going to f*** like in your porn, but that doesn’t stop you from watching, either.”

To Have And To Like You

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 10, 2018

(I’m sitting in the kitchen with my parents. My dad just recently made a Facebook account.)

Dad: “Will you marry me?”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “On Facebook! Will you marry me?”

Mom: “Twenty-five years of marriage, and it doesn’t count for anything unless we’re Facebook official?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Mom: “Well… I’ll have to think about it.”

(They never became “Facebook official.”)

The Same Old Story

, , , , | Romantic | August 8, 2018

(My wife has just returned from a conference she went to alone. As I’m picking her up from the airport, she tells me of a male friend she made there, and I gently tease her about it. The next day she shows me pictures from the conference.)

Me: “That’s [Friend]? He’s hot! Are you sure you didn’t sleep with him?”

Wife: “He’s 35, and married, and as tall as I am.”

Me: “When you say he’s 35, what does that mean to you? Is he too old for you?”

Wife: “Yes… Oh, my God! Did I just say that?”

Me: “How old am I?”

(My 35th birthday was a couple of weeks ago.)

Monthly Roundup: July 2018

Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | August 6, 2018

It’s time for the July roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in July deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 817 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out fifteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three. The winner of the previous roundup poll was Dusting Off The Scum, from the Working category!

 

Must Be Friends With Aaron Schlossberg – Monkey see, monkey do!

Making A Collect Call – When common sense is offline.

That’s Some Truly Wonderful Bulls*** – This story is truly wonderful.

The Adventures Of Man-Bear – When Boris is too busy, you call in Man-Bear!

I Plead For Fifth – How to infuriate a librarian that thinks you can’t read.

I’ve Got A Lunch Hunch – Want to see how a lunch-stealer tries to justify it?

A Good Comeback Helps The Medicine Go Down – Your new healthcare plan won’t cure you, but it sure will judge!

This Wedding Is As Right As Rain – The most beautiful weddings aren’t always under the sun.

What’s His Deal? – The best way to deal with entitlement is to annihilate it.

The Key To Pressing Charges – Crime doesn’t pay, but it does sometimes pay the victim!

Needs To Learn To Housekeep Their Mouth Shut – Sometimes the best way to deal with customers is to give them exactly what they want.

A Physical Education – Violence begetting violence can be controversial, but oh so satisfying!

So That’s How Scotty Does It! – How to become a miracle worker.

Angelica Was No Angel – When customers lie, you lie right back!

A Pinch Of Good Parenting Can Go A Long Way – When it’s all an act, join the play!

 

 

Please choose your favorite story of the month!

View Results

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