Puns That Make You Weak

, , , , , | Romantic | July 19, 2017

(My husband and I are at my parents’ for dinner tonight and came early to help set up. Mom had eye surgery last week so we’re not letting her do anything so she recovers well. She’s one of those people who always likes to have something to keep her busy so she keeps trying to pitch in anyway.)

Dad: “[My Name], if you could set the table. [Husband], we’re using disposables so we won’t have to worry about dishes — they’re in the cabinet. [Mom], sit down and relax and stop trying to help!”

Mom: “But I need to do things! Or all my muscles will turn into Jello!”

Dad: “That’s okay! Then you’ll be what they call… Atrophy wife.”

Behaving Like A Child

, , | Romantic | July 18, 2017

(I am 18 years old and have recently started going out with a guy I met at my college. While we are getting to know each other, I find out he used to be neighbors with one of my best friends. This story happens around the time my best friend has announced on her social media that she is pregnant with her first child. I am at this guy’s house and we are sitting on the couch watching a movie, when he turns around and looks at me, smirking.)

Guy: “Do you want to make the same mistake [Best Friend] made?”

Me: “Erm, what?”

Guy: “Do you want to make the same mistake as [Best Friend] and have a baby with me?”

(I am feeling a little uncomfortable since I only have known this guy for a week and from the look on his face, I know he isn’t joking.)

Guy: “Well? Do you want to have a baby with me?”

Me: “I’ve only known you for a week. I don’t want to have a child with someone I haven’t known for that long and besides, I’m not ready to have children at eighteen.”

Guy: “I don’t understand, [My Name]. If [Best Friend] is ready to have a child then why aren’t you ready?”

(I should note that my best friend had known her boyfriend for years when they found out about the pregnancy, and were ready to have a child even if it was at a young age. Even though she was ready to have a baby, I am not, and want to focus on a bunch of other things and find the right person before I am ready. However, the more this guy keeps pressuring me, the more I feel uncomfortable and want to leave.)

Me: “Because I’ve only known you for a week!”

Guy: *getting angry* “Fine, then. I think you should. If you can’t give me what I want, then we shouldn’t be seeing each other, [My Name]. I really thought you wanted to make the same mistake as [Best Friend] did.”

Me: “The only mistake I made is going out with you in the first place.”

Love Is Love… Idiot

, , , , | Romantic | July 17, 2017

(My uncle is a self-proclaimed redneck and always has been. We lost contact with each other but finally got each other’s phone numbers again and are speaking for the first time in seven years. He still lives in a rural southern area and I’ve moved up north. I’m also gay.)

Me: “And also… I’m married.”

Uncle: “Oh, yeah? Who’s the guy?”

Me: “Actually, it’s, um, a woman.”

Uncle: “Oh. Well, you know I don’t understand that, but I don’t have to. Hell, I don’t understand how your daddy has been married four times. I still love you and if your wife makes you happy that’s enough for me. If she hurts you, though, I hurt her.”

Me: “Haha, I’ll tell her.”

Uncle: “You haven’t told Nana, have you?” *his mother* “She’s very against that.”

Me: “Unfortunately, she knows. She still tries to be buddy-buddy with me over Facebook and doesn’t understand why I won’t go visit her after she called me an abomination, a disgrace, and sobbed because I wasn’t going to have ‘natural’ children.”

Uncle: “Yeah, she’s an idiot. You’ve been saying since you were nine that you don’t want kids.” *pause* “I have a question.”

Me: “Okay.”

Uncle: “I don’t know any gay people, just one or two folks who keep it quiet ‘cause of where we live, but… is it really dangerous to admit you’re gay?”

Me: “Depends. If I still lived down south, definitely. I got death threats from Dad’s side of the family down there when we announced our engagement.”

Uncle: “If ya tell me who, I can shoot ’em for ya. The h*** does it matter if you like women? Boobs are great!”

(I missed him.)

Making A Bobe Of Yourself

, , , , | Romantic | July 16, 2017

(My wife and I are in bed, using her laptop to write thank-you cards for our recent wedding.)

Wife: “I have to use the bathroom. And after that I’m going to move to my desk, which means I’m going to put on panties.”

Me: “Noooo, no more naked times. But will I still get to group your bobes?”

Wife: “…What?”

Me: *rearranging the vowels in my head* “Grope your boobs?”

Wife: “Yes… you can still do that.”

Me: “But you’ll be wearing underwear, so I can’t play with your pants-parts.”

Wife: “I’m not sure WHAT new language you’re writing over there… but I want in.”

A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

, , | Romantic | July 15, 2017

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”

Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?

Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant vagina.”

Me: “Umm…”

Woman: “Don’t worry, I’m not insane. But I am asking you to make me a vagina dress.”

Me: “And what is this for exactly?”

Woman: “My ex-husband’s wedding. Lord knows why he invited me. But I’m going to have as much fun with that cheating being-of-s*** as I can!”

(We did attempt the dress, but she wasn’t happy with how the period blood looked and decided to look elsewhere.)

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