About To Swear Like A Sailor

, | Romantic | August 17, 2017

(I live in a college city with a harbor. Sometimes Navy vessels dock, and sailors get leave to come ashore for a while. I am in a college bar [a pickup joint, really], having drinks with a girl from my study group. She’s cuter than I am and gets jealous if any guy talks to me, often stealing the guy for the evening and then NOT going home with him. I figure if they’re stupid enough to abandon the girl who’s a seven for an eight, then they don’t deserve to get lucky. A group of sailors walks in and the cutest one starts talking to me. He’s made it clear that he’s looking for sex because he’s going to be on a ship for many months. I decide that I will do my civic duty and accommodate the young man. I don’t tell him, because I want him to work for it for a while, but I give clear signals that I am receptive. My companion does her jealous girl thing and steals the guy I was talking to. He gladly abandons me for the skinnier, cuter girl who is coming on to him, without knowing that she’s a total tease. I watch them dancing and drinking for several hours. He’s getting desperate because he has to be back on his ship before seven am. We go to leave and he puts his arms around my friend’s waist and pulls her close.)

Sailor Guy: *whispering something*

(My jealous friend smiles and strokes his face with her finger.)

Jealous Friend: “I’m not that kind of girl.”

(He looks horrified. As I pass by him I say this:)

Me: *looking him in the eye* “You picked the wrong girl.”

(He looked even more horrified realizing that he made a huge mistake and lost out on the chance to get naked with a female for an extended period of time.)

A New Definition Of Puppy Love

, , , , | Romantic | August 16, 2017

My boyfriend has a untrained dog who, embarrassingly, jumps on people any chance he can get, and humps legs. One day my boyfriend came home from walking him, while I was cleaning under the TV stand, and yep, the dog tackled me and went to town before I could shove him off.

Later that month, I had a doctor’s appointment and found out I was pregnant! We had been trying, but my boyfriend was a little quiet at first. Everything went well, and when I had my ultrasound we found out we were having twins.

I told my boyfriend, “I know you’ve been worried about fatherhood, but I know everything will be fine with our little girls. My mother’s going to help out financially, and we have enough room in the nursery for a second crib.”

He replied, “It’s not the money that worried me. I’m just glad you’re not having puppies.”

Bambi’s New Mommy

, , , | Romantic | August 12, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are messaging each other about deer. I send him a picture of a deer that was in my yard and he replies back with many pictures of deer he has spotted at his workplace.)

Me: “I saw two babies the other day.”

Me: “They were so tiny and cute.”

Me: “I want one.”

Me: “Get me one.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “DEER BABIES.”

Me: “I MEANT DEER BABIES.”

Boyfriend: “Only if you give it a bath and tick check every day.”

Add An Order Of Tea/No Tea

, , , | Romantic | August 11, 2017

(My husband and I often visit a nearby convenience store that opened recently. Aside from being a gas station primarily, it also has a deli/food area with touch screens for ordering fresh-made food. We’re perusing the options when we see something new…)

Me: “Hey, pretzels! And pretzel bites!” *I tap on it and it gives more options* “This says ‘salt,’ and this one says ‘no salt.’”

Husband: “Can you tap them both?” *does so* “You can! It’s a salt/no salt pretzel.”

Me: *laughing* “I wonder what they’d do for that?”

Husband: “So, do you want a salt/no salt pretzel?”

(Turned out that if you don’t select either option, it came with no salt, so adding the “no salt” option to the screen was a little redundant. Now, every time we order a pretzel there, we make a joke about the salt/no salt options.)

Creep Spill In Aisle Fourteen

, , | Romantic | August 10, 2017

(This is before cell phones are common. My mom and I stop at a clothes store after she picks me up from school. Since I haven’t had a chance to change, I’m still wearing my uniform, with my middle school’s name clearly written on the front of the shirt. So, even though I look older than I am, it should be very obvious that I’m underage. My mom and I are shopping in different sections of the store with a plan to meet up in the shoe section in a half hour. As I start to browse, I notice a man in his mid to late twenties shopping in the section for teen girls. I find it a little odd, but don’t think anything else of it. There’s also a middle-aged woman in the same section. When I’ve finished looking at one rack of clothes, I turn to look at another and find that the man’s been standing right behind me, creepily close.)

Me: *jumping back in alarm*

Creepy Man: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Me: *trying to get around him* “It’s fine.”

Creepy Man: *blocking me into a corner* “So, do you shop here often?”

(Because I don’t look my age, I’ve had grown men hit on me before. Usually, a quick mention of my mom or middle school makes them practically bolt for the door.)

Me: “No, I’m just here with my mom on the way home from school.”

Creepy Man: *undeterred* “Cool, cool. Hey, I know of this great party at [Downtown Club] tonight. You should come with me.”

(At about this time, I notice the woman is browsing a rack of clothes nearby without actually looking at them. She’s watching the situation unfold intently.)

Me: “No, thanks. I should really go. I was supposed to meet up with my mom a few minutes ago. She’ll be looking for me.”

Creepy Man: “Aw, come on. It’ll be fun!”

Me: *deciding to be more direct* “I’m fourteen.”

Creepy Man: *winks at me* “Yeah, old enough to have a fake ID, am I right?”

Me: “Uh, no. You’re not. I don’t have one.”

Creepy Man: “That’s all right. I know a guy who can hook you up. Come on.”

(He tries to grab my arm, and I rear back. Before anything else can happen, the woman hurries up to me.)

Woman: “There you are! I was looking all over for you, honey. You were supposed to meet me five minutes ago.”

Me: *playing along* “Sorry, Mom.”

Woman: *smiling at the creepy man like a lioness sizing up her prey* “Oh! Who’s this, sweetheart?”

Creepy Man: *paling dramatically* “Um… I was just… uh… shopping for… uh… my sister.”

Woman: “Of course.” *turning back to me* “I found these shoes that would look adorable on you. I can’t wait to show you.”

(The woman and I walk away until we’re around a corner and out of sight of the creepy man.)

Me: *sighing in relief* “Thank you for that.”

Woman: “No problem. I’d want someone to do the same for my daughters. Now, do you know where your mom is?”

Me: “Yeah, she should be in the petites section.”

(We walked over together to find my mom and then explained what happened. My mom made sure I’m okay, and the three of us all went talk to a manager. Unfortunately, by the time security was sent, the creepy man was long gone. My mom used the store phone to call my dad and have him pick me up. I’m not really sure what happened after I left, but I think the police might have been involved. I don’t think anything came of it, though.)

Page 1/1,39712345...Last
Next »