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That Pronunciation Seems Fishy

, , , , , | Related | May 22, 2022

I had a coworker who showed me her son’s school essay; the assignment was to write about their families. Her son mentioned something about his grandmother making “simon crocketts” for dinner.

Me: “What are simon crocketts?”

Coworker: “They’re fried patties made from canned fish.”

I looked at her for a moment.

Me: “You mean salmon croquettes?”

She stared at me blankly. 

Coworker: “My family has always called them simon crocketts.”

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, But Easier When People Care

, , , , , , | Working | May 20, 2022

I’m at work. Our office is right across the street from a national chain drugstore. We often run over there for snacks. Usually, one person goes with a list and everyone else reimburses them when they come back.

A couple of days ago, the guy I was in love with dumped me on my birthday, so I am in a horrible mood. I told a couple of female coworkers who asked why I was so quiet. One of my male coworkers was walking by at that moment. He mostly keeps to himself at work, as our department is majority female.

About two hours later, I see him going from desk to desk. He stops at mine.

Coworker: “Hey, I’m doing the snack run today. Want anything?”

Me: “Um… something with caffeine in it. A soda or coffee would work.”

Coworker: “Gotcha.”

He leaves and returns about twenty minutes later with everyone’s food and drinks. He hands me a bottled flavored coffee from an internationally known chain.

Me: “Thanks! This is great. How much do I owe you?”

Coworker: “Oh, don’t worry about it.”

Me: “No, no. These are usually about $4, right?”

I pull out my wallet.

Coworker: “Put that away. It’s on me. Breakups suck.”

It was a small gesture, but it helped my mood a lot that day.

Don’t You Wish Some People Wouldn’t Choose To Remain?

, , , , | Working | May 18, 2022

In 2016, I was employed in a manufacturer’s warehouse in England. In 2016, the UK was to decide if it wanted to remain a member of the European Union or not. In the run-up to this vote, [Employee] had so much to say about the benefits of leaving. This story begins about two weeks prior to the vote.

Employee: “All I’m saying is when we leave the EU, we will have them begging us at Dover for a better deal! You know it makes sense!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know. I’d like to be more informed first on how we are actually going to benefit from being outside of the EU.”

Employee: “Yeah, yeah, typical Remainer logic. Where’s your sense of patriotic pride? Where’s your faith?”

Me: “It’s not about faith. Just, if you don’t plan ahead to fuel your car to get to work, faith alone isn’t going to make it move.”

Employee: “Pffft, whatever…”

[Employee] has been doing this to nearly all the staff who have Remain concerns. It’s really, really irritating. A lot of complaints have gone to our managers who asked him to stop but also addressed a lot of concerns about the vote to their employees. I should note that a large majority of our staff comes from Eastern Europe, and since we export to the EU, the managers would prefer us to Remain; otherwise, the plant would most likely shut down. [Employee], however, has “defiantly” expressed that his freedom and sovereignty mean more to him than his job. Bear in mind also that [Employee] is by no means a senior employee and holds no managerial responsibility, and because of his recent behaviour, a lot of the staff avoid him like the plague.

So… along comes the vote and the UK votes to Leave. Understandably, the foreign staff is very concerned about losing their jobs. [Employee] however, for a solid week, comes in with a s***-eating grin, totally oblivious to the plant’s mood. He makes a beeline for me.

Employee: “Remember when you said that we would never Leave?”

Me: “No? Because I never said that.”

Employee: “Well, you said something to that effect. I bet you feel really silly now, don’t you?”

For that entire week, he takes enormous pleasure in gloating about it to everybody. He couldn’t care less that the majority of the staff are upset at the decision. A week later, however, the district manager arrives for a meeting.

District Manager: “Right, so I’m sure you are all aware of the Referendum result. I’m now going to be here for four days in which I will one-to-one with all of you and work out a compromise for the plant. Please come and see me before Friday.”

As it turns out, the one-to-one meetings were to help all the staff adjust to what ultimately was going to be a shutdown of the plant, as the amount of red tape and the myriad of legislation meant that the plant would have operated at a loss from then on. The staff was transferred to other locations in or outside the UK, but the meetings ensured that only four people would be made redundant, and that was only because they didn’t bother to turn up. If you guessed that [Employee] didn’t turn up because — and I quote — he could just find new work that the foreigners didn’t want to do, you would be right. But, who’d have thought that working on an immigrant’s wages for sixteen hours a day suddenly didn’t seem so lucrative after all to [Employee]? Last I heard, he was on Universal Credit payments which had been cut off as he refused a job in a hotel as he deemed the work “beneath him”.

A Fitting Moniker

, , , , , , , | Working | May 17, 2022

Someone once put up a nameplate in our engineering office:

Nameplate: “Herdaing Katz, engineering manager.”

I have no idea if it was an actual person or not. I was afraid to ask!

Never Commit The Same Crime In The Same Place Twice

, , , , , | Legal | May 17, 2022

After my colleague quit their job, I needed someone in the laboratory who could represent me from time to time. I got permission from my boss to train an unskilled worker for this.

I worked with her for over a year, explained the processes, showed the necessary steps, and made sure that [New Hire] got all the help she needed when I was away. She could call me anytime during my vacation (and she did, a lot). On the whole, she did the job well. I was mostly able to iron out small mistakes. Now that she was my substitute with responsibility, she also got a hefty raise.

A few months later, at an employee briefing, it was announced that some employees had stolen money from the office and various desks and that management had called in the police.

I now know from the stories of my colleagues that the police came into the shop and interviewed some of the employees. I was on vacation at the time of the briefing. During my vacation, I got a call from the police and they ordered me to the police station for questioning.

They asked me about certain days, what I had done on the days, in which offices I had been, and, and, and…

I had no idea what it was about, but I answered the questions as best I could. Then, the investigating officer told me that someone had seen me walking into an office on a specific day on which money had disappeared.

So, I was accused of robbing my colleagues.

It was very painful, and the feeling got worse when I got back to work. I found out that I was the only one questioned, and some interpreted it as guilt.

What I didn’t know was that a colleague never said that money was stolen from his desk, too; he only told the police.

And with [Colleague]’s help, the police put some banknotes in [Colleague]s desk that had been marked with chemicals. When those disappeared, [Colleague] immediately informed the police, and they quickly showed up at our office.

They carried out a color test on the fingers of every employee present at the time, including me; I even had to go first.

My fingers stayed clean. So did everyone else’s… until it was [New Hire]’s turn. She was fired the next day.

Several weeks later, I received a letter from the prosecutor’s office stating that the investigation against me had been annulled. There was also a telephone number for questions. I then called and asked for the name of the person who had framed me. Due to data protection reasons, I didn’t get an answer. I’m not 100% sure, but I think it was [New Hire].

[Colleague] got a huge box of chocolates from me.