Taking The Mystery Out Of It

, , , , , , , | Working | January 18, 2018

(I’m training to be a salesperson for a mattress store. After we finish training, my district manager says this:)

District Manager: “So, before you go out on the floor, I want you to go into one of our stores and pretend to be a shopper.”

Me: “Like a mystery shopper?”

District Manager: “Exactly! See if they’re following the sales module like they’re supposed to and write it down on this paper.” *gives me a sheet*

(I go and, to be honest, I’m pretty excited because I’ve never been a mystery shopper and it sounds fun. I pretend to be interested in a buying a bed. There’s an old man working there, watching TV at a desk in the corner. He looks up and smiles but doesn’t get up.)

Me: “Hi, I’m looking for a bed.”

Old Man: “Yeah, you can try out beds if you like.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I leave and he says nothing. On my sheet, I write that he didn’t try out the sales module with me, and that he didn’t seem very interested. Under the question: “Do you think he passed or failed in trying to sell?” I put “Failed.” Skip forward a week, I am assigned a store to work in: the very same one that I went into! And there’s the same old man, still sitting at the desk, except not watching TV.)

District Manager: “[Old Man], this is [My Name]. She’s new.”

Old Man: “Hello!” *shakes my hand*

District Manager: “She came in here about a week ago. Do you remember her?”

Old Man: *smile fades* “Oh… Yeah!”

District Manager: “She pretended to be a shopper. And she says you failed!”

(The man shoots a look at me and I cringe. I didn’t expect to be put on the spot like this!)

District Manager: *scolding* “Yeah. She said that you were very uninterested in making a sale with her while she played a shopper! Do we have to train you again?”

Old Man: “Uh, no! I was… um… I thought she was a Muslim, and they’re very hoity-toity… Uh…” *flails*

(That’s the story of how I got stuck working with someone I had failed in sales. Needless to say, he was very cold with me and didn’t bother to help me when I had a questions. Things were so bad after that, I quit. I’m also not sure why he thought I was Muslim.)

Rick-Rolling On The Loudspeaker

, , , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(I work at a grocery store. One day, Rick Astley’s infamous song, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” starts playing over the store speakers, and as I listen, my coworker from another department interrupts the music and takes this opportunity to make an announcement over the P.A.)

Coworker: “Attention, customers! Come on back to the meat department, where we’re never gonna give you up. We’re never gonna let you down with sub-par product, so don’t run around to other stores and hurt us. I’m never gonna tell a lie and say we don’t have great deals, so don’t say goodbye. We’re never gonna desert you. Thank you for shopping at [Grocery Store]!”

Found The Sauce Of His Infidelity

, , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(A coworker has just finished making a bucket of pizza sauce. In our store we make sure all product has a sticker listing the expiration date and time. A manager comes to talk with the coworker.)

Manager: “Hey, did you date the sauce?”

(Before [Coworker] can speak, I interject.)

Me: “Nope, he took it to one dinner and figured out they weren’t compatible.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Manager: *to coworker* “I’m going to tell your wife you’re cheating on her with a redhead.”

Me: “A robust, saucy redhead!”

The Mother Of All Comebacks

, , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I am 24, and I have a coworker who is 37. She had her first child at age 14. She did very well in life, beating a lot of statistics about teen parents. She finished high school and even got Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. She eventually got married in her twenties to another man and had children with him. But she would be the first to say that teen parenting is not a good life choice, and she is very vocal to teens about smart sex choices. This occurs when we’re talking about family drama.)

Coworker: “Trust me. I’m old enough to be your mother.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Coworker: “I have a daughter who is basically your age!”

Me: “And you’re not old enough to be her mother, either.”

Coworker: “Touché.”

Susceptible To Tissue Damage

, , , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I have just used the last tissue in my tissue box. I’m taking the empty box to the recycling bin before grabbing a new one, when I notice some computer-printed text inside the bottom of the empty box. It’s likely a production date and lot code. I tend to tease people all day, and one coworker makes it so much easier for me to do so without even trying.)

Me: “Hey, look! Wait. Is that an expiration date? Did my tissue really expire two years ago?!”

Coworker: “Really? It does? I didn’t know that! Where’s the date so I can check mine?”

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