(I’m the stupid coworker in this story. We review backgrounds in our office, and see a lot of criminal history — everything from DUIs to theft to murder. One of my coworkers is evaluating a case involving domestic battery. She is discussing the extent of the battery according to the person’s statement, and the arrest report, and how badly they differed. The coworker with the case, [Coworker #1], is of Asian descent, I am of European descent, and [Coworker #2], who is also listening in, is of African descent.)

Coworker #1: “These aren’t even close. He basically admits that he didn’t beat her that much.”

Coworker #2: “Can you list it as only half-beaten?”

Me: *totally not thinking this through* “Yeah, instead of beaten ‘black and blue,’ just list beaten ‘black.’”

(Thank God I have understanding coworkers who understood my lapse.)

(I am working as a park ranger in a state park when one day another new ranger and I are tasked with cleaning up a section of a river. A great deal of trash has washed down the river and has collected on the banks. We are sent down with a truck and trash bags to clean everything up. About an hour into the project, my coworker starts loudly sighing and moving at a snail’s pace.)

Coworker: “Is this good?”

Me: “Huh?”

Coworker: “Is this good enough? Can we stop?”

(I look around. There is still a great deal of trash around us. This is a popular hiking area and the public is often in this area. Things still look awful.)

Me: “Uh, no. We can’t stop until all the trash in the water is picked up.”

Coworker: “But won’t it just get washed down?”

Me: “What? What do you mean?”

Coworker: “If we leave it, won’t it just get washed away? What’s the point of picking it up?”

(I am shocked by what this park ranger has just said.)

Me: “God, no! If this washes down, it will spread to other parts of the river and eventually get into the bay! Why would that be a good idea?”

Coworker: “Then it wouldn’t be our problem!”

(I have no idea how this person got hired with ideas like that floating around in their head.)

(One day I discover that the door to the chemicals cabinet in the lab is unlocked. Assuming this is an oversight, I inform one of the chemists who I am friendly with.)

Me: “Hey, [Chemist], I just wanted to let you know the door to the cabinet in that room is unlocked.”

Chemist: “Oh, that’s always unlocked.”

Me: “Really? But everyone who has access to this building can just walk into that room. Isn’t there really dangerous stuff in there?”

Chemist: “Oh, yes. You could make TNT with the stuff we have here.”

Me: *looks shocked*

Chemist: “What you do is—” *starts telling me the recipe for TNT*

Me: “I don’t need to know! But seriously isn’t that dangerous? A lot of people have access to this building.”

Chemist: “Ah, but you see, the trick is to make it without blowing yourself up. Most likely they’d kill themselves.”

Me: “Ah, they should make plastique. It’s nitroglycerin, basically, but it’s a bit more stable. I learned to make it when I was a kid.”

Chemist: *looks shocked*

Me: “That’s a quote from Terminator. I don’t actually know how to make a bomb.”

(I get a phone call from work one morning.)

Coworker: *sounding angry* “[My Name], where are you? You should have been here 15 minutes ago.”

Me: “I’m not supposed to be working today.”

Coworker: “Yes, you are; it’s on the roster.”

(I quickly dress and rush in, thinking I have read the roster wrong. I double-check the roster when I arrive and find that my name has been handwritten onto the typed roster. I end up talking to the coworker who called me; she works in our office and is normally a self-entitled b****.)

Me: “When was my name written on this?”

Coworker: “I wrote it on [Day before yesterday], after [Manager] told me you were needed.”

Me: “Why didn’t you call me about it? I didn’t know about this change.”

Coworker: “It’s not up to me to call you; you should be checking your roster every day without fail.”

Me: “So, I am supposed to come in on my days off just so I can check the roster?”

Coworker: “Stop being an idiot; you are supposed to check your roster after every shift.”

Me: “My last shift was four days ago. Tell me again how I was supposed to know that my roster had been changed without my knowledge.”

Coworker: “WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?”

Me: “By reading the roster.”

(Strange atmospheric conditions have caused the sky to turn deep red. Looking out the windows of the office, it’s like looking into a furnace.)

Coworker: “Isn’t there something in the Bible about the sky turning red? This could be the end of the world.”

Me: “If it is, do you think they’ll let us take the rest of the day off?”