(The morning show host at my radio station has seen that Howard Stern movie one too many times, and as such, believes the key to being a great radio announcer is being hated. He goes out of his way to be as unlikable as possible, antagonizing anyone he can: listeners, coworkers, the boss. One day, I come into work to see that he’s cleaned out his office.)

Me: “Hey, [Morning Guy], why is your office cleaned out?”

Morning Guy: “I just got a job at [Other Radio Station]. When the boss comes in today, I’m going to give my one month’s notice. I have no doubt that they’re going to turn around and fire me as soon as I give it in.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Morning Guy: “Because they did it to [Former Coworker].”

Me: “Dude, that was different. [Former Coworker] was a jerk, and he turned into a total a**-hole after he turned in his notice. But you… the boss loves you, for some reason.”

Morning Guy: “Nope. I’m a much bigger a**-hole than [Former Coworker] ever was. Just you wait and see. As soon as I give my notice, they’ll have security escorting me to the door.”

(Later that day, the boss comes in, and the morning guy goes in to deliver the news. The boss closes the door, they have a long meeting, and the morning guy eventually comes out, just stunned.)

Me: “So, are you fired?”

Morning Guy: “No…”

Me: “Then what happened?”

Morning Guy: “They offered me a raise to stay.”

(He went back to his empty office, just flabbergasted, muttering about Howard Stern and how the boss is supposed to hate him. Never have I seen a man work so hard to be unlikable, and fail!)

(I work in a club that has separate servers for taking orders, delivering food, and delivering drinks. I am a food server. One night, a table server brings me an order, saying the customer found it too cold. It feels fine to me, but I reheat it and bring it out to her.)

Customer: *giving me the stink-eye* “Is this the same food?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you asked for it to be reheated.”

Customer: “No! I wanted a new dish! It was cold and I want new food cooked.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

(I go into the back, dump the food into a new basket, stick it in the microwave for five minutes, then bum around until it’s done. As I take the now lava-hot food out to the floor, a coworker who serves drinks passes me. He has a muscular build, but a baby face.)

Me: *getting an idea* “Hey, [Coworker]! Take this to the lady at table fifty. Just say it’s her new food.”

(He takes it and walks off. When he gets back, I ask how it went.)

Coworker: “She just took it and started eating.”

Me: “Ha! See, I knew no woman could resist a handsome guy like you bringing her food!”

Coworker: “…”

(Now when we have difficult customers, we have him handle it, because they love him!)

(My manager is chewing out the night crew for the lazy cleaning job they did last night.)

Manager: “This is the best deli in the area, and we want it to stay that way. But it’s not going to stay that way unless we all start putting a lot more effort into it. Now, I’m going to lunch. You guys know what you’re supposed to be doing.”

(He walks away.)

Me: “Did he just say this is the best deli in the area?”

Coworker: “He did indeed.”

Me: “This isn’t even the best deli in a ten-foot radius.”

Manager: *from behind me* “I heard that!”

(A coworker and I are at our respective desks next to each other working. He looks at his hand.)

Coworker: “That’s weird. It’s like my hand…” *something I can’t quite make out*

Me: “Wait… WHAT?”

Coworker: “It’s peeling.” *he shows me where skin is flaking off the palm of his hand*

Me: “Okay, that’s way better than what I thought you said. I missed the ‘-ling’ and just heard ‘pee.'”

Coworker: *laughs*

Me: “I was thinking, ‘Dude, I know we work closely together but I don’t need to know about your pee hands.'”

Coworker: “Don’t worry. I do not have pee hands.”

Me: “I would hope not! But if you ever do, please don’t touch my keyboard.”

At my workplace, our email addresses are automatically generated by using the first three letters of one’s last name, followed by first two letters of the first name.

I have a coworker named Edward Sexton. His email is sex.ed@(business).com. The company refuses to allow him to change it.