Seemed Like Destiny Initially

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 20, 2019

(I work in a pretty large chain store. My coworker and I are chatting and the topic of names comes up. She says her parents have the same initials.)

Me: “Their relationship must be fate!”

Coworker: “They’re divorced…”

Doesn’t Register Their Lack Of Professionalism

, , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Usually, my wife and I go shopping together. She’s been picking up extra shifts so I decide to shop at the grocery store where she works. Usually, I don’t shop there, because they’re a bit more expensive than other places, certain members of staff are very rude, and the employee discount system isn’t worth the hassle. I complete the shopping just fine and get into the ONLY AVAILABLE LINE for the registers. My wife is cashiering. When I get to the front of the line, her coworker suddenly runs over, grabs my wife by the shoulders, and forces her away from the register. My wife, who has complained bitterly about this coworker’s behavior every time they have a shift together, leaves to report this new behavior to the manager. The coworker starts running the barcodes for my groceries.)

Coworker: *hurriedly and in a hushed tone* “It’s against company policy for employees to check out their family members.”

Me: *acting casual but pretty annoyed with how she manhandled my wife* “Oh, we didn’t know that. [Wife] only recently got training for the registers; I think it just hasn’t come up yet.”

Coworker: *slightly louder and exasperated* “It’s because people try to steal that way.”

Me: “Well, if I wanted to steal, which I absolutely do not want to do, I’d just have walked out of the doors while no one is looking. Why walk up to a register to steal?” *forced laugh* “Last I checked, approaching a register with a wallet out means I intend to pay.”

Coworker: *suddenly louder and now getting shrill, louder with each sentence* “[Wife] is going to get fired! And it’s all your fault for trying to steal from [GroceryStore]! You should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

(Customers behind me are staring, and I’m on the verge of a panic attack because of the attention and fear of my wife losing her job. Her job is the only way we’ve been paying the bills lately.)

Me: “I wasn’t trying to steal anything! I just wanted to pick up some things and didn’t want to drive across town to do so.”

Coworker: *accusatory and loud* “Then why did you go to [Wife]’s register?!”

Me: “Because it was the only one open!”

(In my frustration, I forgot to pay with the employee discount and forgot to use our gift card, too. I basically ran out of the store. As soon as I got home, I called the manager and explained to him that it was an accident, that I didn’t steal anything, that I don’t appreciate being treated like a criminal for trying to pay for my groceries, and that [Coworker] is why I don’t usually shop there because she’s creepy and rude. I found out a few days later that [Coworker] got written up for it. It’s her second customer complaint in three days. My wife and I have no idea how [Coworker] keeps her job, since she’s specifically starting fights with other employees all the time and treats customers like garbage.)

That’s All Phone Books Are Good For Now

, , , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Before he retires, my dad is a fitter machinist and loves to play practical jokes.)

Dad: “Hey, [Colleague], I took up a collection for you.”

Colleague: “What for?”

Dad: “Phone books.”

(Dad gets a big stack of phone books he’s borrowed from all the offices and sets it down in front of her.)

Colleague: “But what for?”

Dad: “Well, I heard you got a new car.”

Colleague: “Um, yeah?”

Dad: “Well, if you sit on these, you can see over the steering wheel.”

Your Professionalism Is Melting… MELTING!

, , , , , | Working | April 18, 2019

(One of my coworkers, who has a very intense personality, is leaving, but only the manager and I know.)

Manager: “Does [New Coworker] know?”

Me: “I don’t think so. But I’ve been singing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead all morning.”

A Boob Noob

, , , , | Working | April 17, 2019

(We’re gathered for a meeting. My manager has brought in a weird, squishy, pink stress ball she found at a craft store. Everyone is immediately distracted by it, and spends several minutes passing it around, debating what’s inside.)

Manager: “Do you think this is what fake boobs feel like?”

(As she’s saying this, it gets tossed to one of my coworkers, who is gay. Right on cue:)

Coworker: “Eww, it feels gross!”

(The room cracked up, delaying the meeting for another ten minutes.)

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