It’s restock day at the back of our large store, and we’re all knee-deep in boxes. Everyone’s hauling, scanning, logging SKUs, except [Coworker], who’s leaning against a shelf with a clipboard, checking his phone.

Me: “[Coworker], you planning to actually lift anything today?”

Other Coworker: “You’ve logged six items all morning. I sneezed and moved more product.”

Our coworker taps his pen against the clipboard. I’m simplifying what he says next for the sake of storytelling, but the gist is the same:

Coworker: “I set up a macro on the scanner app. It batch-logs everything by pallet barcode. Takes two minutes. Then I group-tag the entries and, bam, inventory updated.”

We all pause.

Other Coworker: “…You automated restock?”

Coworker: “Not all of it. Just the part that’s annoying.”

I check the system. Sure enough, His entire pallet is already logged and sorted. Meanwhile, we’re all still scanning boxes one by one like a chump.

Me: “You’re a lazy, smug little genius.”

Coworker: *Back on his phone.* “I don’t cut corners. I just refuse to walk the whole square.”

He eventually teaches us all his trick, on the condition that we don’t tell the managers. It’s been three months and we’re all now working at a much more reasonable pace every restock day!

I’m having to work at a tech support call center on July 4^th with a skeleton crew. I can overhear my coworker:

Coworker: “No, sir, fireworks shouldn’t impact your wifi.”

Pause.

Coworker: “No, sir, it doesn’t work like that.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Sir, the only way the fireworks will mess with your internet is if you launch them through the router.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, sir, I would say the fireworks hitting the electricity cable and knocking out power to the house would negatively affect the wifi.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Okay, sir, you win, technically the fireworks impacted your wifi, but we’re still not to blame.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Because we didn’t decide to launch an explosive rocket directly at a power cable and hope for the best.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Well, thank you, but my mother is already enjoying her Fourth of July and doesn’t need to enhance with your offered copulation. Since we’ve established that [Company] isn’t to blame for your internet outage, all I can do is wish you a happy Independence Day.” *Click.*

I work in a call center that provides services that can’t have a day off, so a few of us are working July 4^th, talking to government departments, international clients, etc. It’s been a long day, and some of us are very cranky.

Coworker #1: “You think the Founding Fathers envisioned tech support when they wrote the Constitution?”

Coworker #2: “Only the part about cruel and unusual punishment.”

Coworker #1: “We could declare our own independence.”

Me: “From what, exactly?”

Coworker #1: “From software patches. From quarterly compliance training. From [Manager]’s reply-all emails.”

She stands, lifts her empty coffee cup like a torch.

Coworker #1: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all techs are tired, caffeine is life, and meetings could’ve been emails.”

[Coworker #2] I raises her mug solemnly.

Coworker #2: “Give me liberty, or give me PTO.”

Thanks to those two for making the day bearable!

I’m working the register on July 4^th. My crazy older coworker has been here long enough that I remember him selling me candy when I was a kid. It’s just the two of us, stuck on a holiday shift while everyone else is probably lighting things on fire in a park.

A man buys a single hot dog, three firecrackers, and a Red Bull.

Me: “That guy’s afternoon has a plot.”

Coworker: “That’s not a plot. That’s a Florida headline waiting to happen.”

Then a guy comes in and asks if we sell sparklers. We say no. He buys two lighters, a can of WD-40, and a slushie.

Coworker: “You think I should call the fire department now, or give him a ten-minute head start?”

Our store remains open on July 4^th. Unsurprisingly, we get a lot of call-outs for “last-minute emergencies,” so my coworker and I are stuck doing a double shift at the checkouts today because, hey, we need the money.

Me: “One day, I’ll have the whole holiday weekend off and be like one of those people who actually get to go to barbecues and drink beer and watch the fireworks.”

Coworker: “I used to dream of being off on July 4^th. Now I just dream of sitting down.”