Pop Goes Their Chance Of Getting One

, , , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2018

(My friend invites me to a sports day held by his work, mainly because I have a car so I can drive him up. As it is the middle of summer, I pack a small cooler with some drinks for us, and I throw in a package of “freezie pops,” as well. We meet up with some other friends who also work there, and we are sharing the freezie pops between us when a woman walks up, followed by two kids.)

Woman: “Where did you get those?” *pointing at the freezie pops*

Me: “Oh, we actually brought them ourselves, since we figured it would be so hot. Do–”

Woman: *cutting me off* “We’ll take four.”

Me: *pausing, then plastering on a big smile* “Sorry, we only brought enough for us.”

(At that, the woman makes to lunge at the cooler, but I block her path with my body.)

Me: “Ex-cuse you!”

(She huffs, then stomps away as her kids begin whining about not getting freezie pops.)

Me: *opening up the cooler to reveal the dozen or so freezie pops we have left* “So, anyone want seconds?”

(Seriously, I’d been about to offer that woman some, but not with that kind of attitude. It’d be one thing if she asked nicely, but with just that demand, there was no way I was giving her squat.)

Asking The Horse After It Has Bolted

, , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2018

(I am at a wholesale store buying lunch for a working meeting. I go to pay and place down my items. When I turn back from putting the cart in the cart line there is a lady with two items between me and the customer before me, staring expectantly at me.)

Lady: “Can I go in front of you?”

Me: “I guess?”

(For the record, I would have let her go in front regardless. It was just strange she cut in line AND THEN asked.)

Singing Comebacks In The Rain

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 16, 2018

(I’m about to leave the office building where my company is located to go get lunch. We’re an online marketing and web design company, so we can wear pretty much whatever we want. If I’m not meeting with potential clients, I usually wear skinny jeans and band t-shirts, with big hoodies. It’s pouring when I step outside to go get lunch, but before I can open my umbrella, a well-dressed, little old lady tries to JERK my umbrella out of my hand!)

Lady: “You kids should respect your elders more! You don’t need that umbrella, and if you don’t give it to me right this second, I’ll report you for being truant from school!”

(I’m 26, but look much younger, but this is the first time someone has threatened to report me for truancy.)

Me: *politely but firmly* “Ma’am, this is my umbrella, and I do need it. You can also report me, but I’m a computer science major at [College], not a high-schooler, so it won’t get you anywhere.”

Lady: *stuttering* “Well, you’re still a student, young lady, so I demand you give me your umbrella!”

Me: “Fine, that’ll cost you $1,500.”

Lady:What?! Why should I pay you that much for a stupid f****** umbrella?!”

Me: “Because that’s how much it’s going to cost to replace my [expensive laptop that I bought for school and work that I’m currently carrying in my bag] if I give you my umbrella, and I have class tonight. I’ll take cash, thanks.”

(The lady gave me a dirty look and went back inside the building, cussing me out as she did. I was taught to respect my elders, as most Texans are, but I was also taught that I’m worth just as much respect!)

Every Bus Has That One Weirdo

, , , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2018

(This is, more-or-less verbatim, a weird conversation I hear on the crowded bus:)

Giant Guy: “Oh, you can sit next to me. I don’t bite. I’ve got nine kids.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, okay.”

Giant Guy: “Where are you from?”

Young Female Student: “Vietnam.”

Giant Guy: “Oh, yeah? I met a guy the other day that served in Vietnam during the war. He said all he had to do was, ‘ratatatat.’” *makes shooting motion*

Young Female Student: “Oh.”

Giant Guy: “I always felt bad about what we did there, though.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “So, how old are you? My eldest is 39, you know. Man, how time flies.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “What are you studying? I can tell you, all you need education-wise is the Bible.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “I guess you have to have a degree these days, but Christ is king, you know. You can have all the book smarts in the world, and if you don’t have street smarts, you can’t make it. I know because I’m hustling everyday.”

Young Female Student: “Mhmm.” *nods head*

Giant Guy: “Yeah, man, I got saved when I was 32 because I put a gun to my head and I heard a voice that said, ‘Don’t do it, man,’ and I knew that was Jesus.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, wow.”

Giant Guy: “Yeah. It was nice talking to you and all. I knew it would be, because I can read people, you know? Do you know what that means?”

Young Female Student: “Yes, uh-huh.”

(Thankfully her stop and my stop was next. She made sure he wasn’t following. This is why you keep your headphones on and stare at your phone.)

Having Unsanitary Thoughts

, , , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2018

(Shortly after giving birth to my child, I find myself in desperate need of some groceries and other supplies. I load the baby up and head to the supermarket, where I place the car seat in the shopping cart and wedge my items into the remaining space around the seat. While waiting in line to check out, I’m approached by an older woman who is looking contemptuously at my cart.)

Old Lady: “Do you really think it’s appropriate to have those—” *indicating a pack of sanitary pads* “—so close to her?” *pointing to my daughter*

Me: “What’s wrong? Do you think she needs more space? I’m not used to shopping with infants yet—”

Old Lady: “Things like that—” *pointing to the pads again* “—are not appropriate for children! You should not expose an innocent child to such things! Those things go…” *whispers* “—you know where.”

Me: *deadpan* “Ma’am. I need those—” *points* “—because I pushed her—” *points* “—out of there—*points* “—two weeks ago. If she’s paying attention, she already knows things come out of it. Thanks for your time, though!”

(She stomped off.)

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