Shove That Lamb Up Your Porthole

, , , | Friendly | February 14, 2020

(I have treated my mother to a cruise round the Aegean as a retirement present. The whole experience has been amazing with superb service all around. However, as we all know too well, there are some who would complain in Paradise. At lunch one day, we are sitting with one such woman. She’s complaining that her cabin doesn’t have a porthole — despite the fact that she obviously didn’t pay the extra I did for such a cabin — and that she has been denied an upgrade — despite the fact that we were greeted on board by a large sign saying that the ship was fully booked and there were no upgrades available — and on and on and on. Finally…)

Me: “Well, the only complaint I have is the pathetic excuse for a breakfast on the flight out here. I can’t wait to see what the lamb dinner’s like on the flight home.”

Woman: “How do you know you’re getting lamb?”

Mother: “He was given a choice and chose lamb.”

Woman: “Well, I wasn’t given a choice. Nobody asked me if I wanted lamb. I detest lamb. I can’t stand it and if they try to give me lamb, I shall get off!”

(Lady, at 35,000 feet, I’ll hold the door for you.)

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Another Gen Z Innovation: Self-Kidnapping Children!

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 13, 2020

(My apartment complex has a large playground in the middle where kids from all over the neighborhood come to play, even on cold days. One Saturday, I am coming out to the car to go to the store, but I have to scrape ice off of the car. I unlock my car, pull out the scraper, and then start scraping the frost off my windows. When I get around to working on the back window, I see some movement by the driver door. I turn to look just in time to see a little boy, about eight or so, opening the door and climbing inside.)

Me: “Hey!”

(Before I can circle around the trunk, he pulls the door shut and I hear the sound of the locks locking on the car. I walk up to the driver door and he is sitting there with that mischievous grin kids have when they are doing something they know is bad but think is exciting. I knock on the window.)

Me: “Kid, you need to get out.”

(He just keeps grinning. I look around and see a woman making her way over. I think she is the kid’s mom, coming to get him and apologize. Silly me.)

Woman: “What are you doing to my baby?! Get away from my boy!”

Me: “Then get him out of my car!”

(I back up, but she just stands on the sidewalk by the front of the car and glares at me, like I shoved her kid into my car myself or something. After a few seconds, I lose patience and circle around, quickly scraping off the passenger windows. I then go to the rear door on the passenger side. Because my car is so old, the lock on that door doesn’t actually work, but it would cost too much to actually replace the whole thing, so I just live with it. I pull the door open and the kid’s face immediately goes from gleeful to wide-eyed surprised. The mom comes circling around the front.)

Woman: “Get away! Get away from my baby boy!”

Me: “THEN. GET. HIM. OUT. OF. MY. CAR.”

(Apparently, me shouting with no door between me and him was scary enough for the kid to decide to get out. He unlocked the door and shoved it open, banging my neighbor’s car, and ran off. Naturally, the mom didn’t go check on him. Nope, she kept yelling at me about staying away from her boy and about how she was going to call his uncle and have him come whoop me. I just closed the door, circled back around, climbed in the driver’s seat, and drove off, leaving her screaming on the sidewalk. Luckily, when I got back, there was no sign of her or her kid, and I haven’t seen her since then. I was able to explain the dent in my neighbor’s car to the owner, who laughed it off, and we both laughed about the messed-up mom.)

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Woman Seeks Man To Do The Thinking For Her

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 12, 2020

There’s a particular music cruise I’d really like to go on, but there are no single cabins and none of my friends have the money to join me. Thinking it’s worth a try, I post a personal ad online, asking if anyone out there might be interested in also going on this cruise and splitting the cost. I post it in the non-romantic, women-seeking-women section of the website.

The next day, I receive an email that reads, “This is totally absurd. It’ll cost you $2000 to fly to Florida for this one thing! What a waste of money.” The email signature contains a decidedly male given name. 

It’s a slow day at work, so I write back, “Dear [Emailer], you’re getting ripped off on flights if you’re paying $2000 for Vancouver to Miami six months in advance.”

He emails back almost instantly, “You’re wrong!”

I respond, “Nope! See attached screenshot of a flight for less than a quarter of that. Also, why are you creeping around a personals website reading the W4W/platonic ads? Do you get off on giving women unsolicited financial advice or something?”

The email I receive back calls me a number of unflattering names, though perhaps the most baffling one is “dunce.”

(Reader, I blocked him. And yes, I did find someone to go on the cruise with me, and we had a great time.)

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We Hope He Means Pizza Lover

, , , , | Romantic | February 8, 2020

(I work as a hostess at a local pizza joint in my hometown. It is a really busy night, the house is packed, and I am pretty tired from working a double today and yesterday. I am stretching my back out behind the hostess’ counter when an elderly gentleman comes up to pay for his family’s dinner.)

Older Guy: “You know, I could probably fix that for you.”

Me: “Oh, my back? Are you a chiropractor or something?”

Older Guy: *just as his wife walks up behind him* “No… just a really good lover.”

(Cue me laughing awkwardly and then taking a pile of dirty dishes from a coworker so I could scurry off to the back.)

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He Has No Change But Has Plenty Of Attitude

, , , , , | Friendly | February 8, 2020

(As I wait for a bus home, I notice a man going up to other people waiting and quickly moving on to the next person. I have only been at the bus stop for a few seconds when he approaches me.)

Man: “Have you got any change? I haven’t eaten in days.”

Me: “No, sorry. I haven’t got any change.”

Man: “So you don’t care. What a horrible person you are.”

(The man starts pacing back and forth, shooting me dirty looks each time he passes me and shouting abuse.)

Man: “Scumbag! Tramp! Evil! Scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!”

(Two minutes pass and, thankfully, my bus pulls up. As I hurriedly get on, the man gets right in my face for one last comment.)

Man: “I hope your bus crashes.”

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