Strike A Violent Pose; Maybe They’ll Leave You Alone

, , , , , , | Related | July 3, 2020

My siblings are having a massive pool party with their friends. I’m in the pool, too, just barely managing to stay out of the line of fire. They’re roughhousing, pushing each other in the pool, being rough with the dog, and throwing his toy in the pool so he’ll jump in, and my sister and her boyfriend are openly flirting. 

Mom: “Okay, I’m going inside. Keep an eye on things, [My Name]!”

Me: “Wait, you’re leaving me in charge?!”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: “Teenagers scare me!”

Mom: “They scare me, too!”

After she left, one kid started running around the pool with a tomahawk, and my brother was chasing him with a hunting knife. Later, my mom admitted she was worried about the pool toys being destroyed. 

Cue My Chemical Romance’s “Teenagers”!

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We Bet They Will Forget The Rules If Their Kids Fall

, , , , | Right | June 29, 2020

I volunteer at a popular zoo which has a number of walkthrough exhibits, including a lorikeet enclosure where visitors can buy little pots of nectar to feed the birds. I notice that a number of young children have climbed a display on the other end of the path and are holding up the pots of nectar to the birds in the trees. This is VERY dangerous!

Me: “Excuse me! Excuse me, could you please get off there? Don’t do that!”

Parent: “Oh, shut up!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Parent: “Don’t do this, don’t do that! Why can’t you let them have their fun?”

Me: “Because the rules exist for a reason.”

Parent: “Well, you can take your rules and go somewhere else!”

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Meet The Tornado Family

, , , , , , , , | Right | June 29, 2020

I was browsing a pet store for a hairbrush and was the only customer in the store at the time, so it was dead quiet. There was just one employee at the front of the store — the cashier — who happened to be a young girl in her teens.

While I was taking my time looking around, a woman and three young girls charged through the door. The woman started looking at the nearby pet beds while the girls ran around all over the store, screaming and throwing the animal toys at each other. 

Then, they went over to the adoptable cats’ cages and began slamming their hands on the bars, shouting at the cats to come over so they could pet them. The cats were, of course, terrified and started freaking out. The girls got tired of waiting for the cats to come to them, so they went over to the discount bin and started tossing items on the floor.

Suddenly, the mother called out to all of them that it was time to go, and they all left the store. All of this happened in literally the span of three minutes. The mother hadn’t bought anything, she never said anything to the cashier or even watched over the girls, and the whole front of the store was in complete disarray. The cashier and I were so stunned at their behavior that we could only watch in disbelief.

I looked at the cashier and said, “Don’t you just love your job?”

She replied with only a pitiful whimper.

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Unable To Think Outside The Xbox, Part 2

, , , | Right | June 19, 2020

An irate customer calls the store, demanding to speak to a manager. I am that lucky manager.

Me: “Thank you for holding; this is [My Name]—”

Caller: “Now look—” *butchers my name* “—I am not going to listen to you give me the run-around. Do you understand?”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “I bought this DVD player from you guys and it didn’t even work. I want my money back. Now.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll be happy to refund you. Just bring the DVD player and the receipt back to us and I—”

Caller: “No! I am never setting foot in your store again!”

Me: “Umm. I’m sorry, sir, but unless you go through the manufacturer, returning the item to the store is the only other way to get a refund.”

Caller: *Stubbornly* “I’m not coming in. You can’t make me.”

Me: “I can’t make you come in; that is true. But if you want your money back, you can either go through the manufacturer or bring it to the store.”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I… What’s wrong with the DVD player?”

Caller: “My son wanted to play [Xbox Game] and it didn’t work!”

Me: “Ah. Well, an Xbox is not the same as a DVD player.”

Caller: “Yes, it is. They’re both disks.”

Me: “Sir, could you play a VHS in a cassette player?”

Caller: “Oh, my God, kids today are so stupid. They’re completely different things!”

Me: “DVDs and game disks are different, too.”

Caller: “No, they’re not!”

Me: *Sighs* “Okay, sir. I will refund your DVD player—”

Caller: “Good! Finally!”

Me: “In store. I’m here until 7:00. Have a nice night.”

I hung up. He didn’t come in that night, but he did come by the next evening when I was working and claimed he spoke to a “foreign guy” — I am neither foreign nor a guy — who said he could exchange his $50 DVD player for an XBox console with two free games for his trouble.

When I identified myself as the manager he spoke with, he threw the DVD player on the ground, stomped on it a few times, and stared at me. 

Definitely no refund. 

Unable To Think Outside The XBox

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Sounds Like Someone Needs A Little-Voice Transplant

, , , , , , | Related | June 16, 2020

I come from a large family, and we don’t get together very often. A table-full of us are gathered at a nephew’s wedding.

[Brother #4], who is not present, as it happens, is famous — notorious, actually — in our extended clan for being an adrenaline junkie with poor decision-making skills.

Seriously — about twenty years ago, as a result of a miscalculation on a bungee jump, he was featured on an episode of the Discovery Channel show called “Real Life Medical Miracles.” For his fortieth birthday, he told his wife he wanted to try cage boxing.

One of us is telling a long and complicated story about him, three dogs, and a skunk, and a niece is shaking her head in disbelief.

Me: “It’s true. You know that little voice that we all have in the back of our brains? The one that tells you not to do dumb stuff like stick a fork in the wall socket?”

Niece: “Are you saying Uncle [Brother #4] doesn’t listen to his little voice?”

Me: “I’m saying his little voice was dropped on its head as a child.”

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