The Gloves Are Off

, , , , , , | Learning | October 19, 2017

(I’m the teacher’s assistant for a freshman biology lab class. I’ve worked with this professor for several years, and he’s as much my friend as he is my professor. Today’s lab is about running DNA on electrophoresis gels, which involves a lot of fairly hazardous chemicals. After the professor gets done explaining the concepts, he picks up one of the gels with his bare hands.)

Me: “Dude! Put some gloves on! Do you want to get cancer?!”

Professor: “Eh, whatever. I’ve already had all the kids I’m planning on having, and I figure I’m bound to get cancer, anyway, given how often I work with this stuff.”

(I face-palmed. I will say though, I’ve never seen so many freshmen scramble to get their lab gloves on that quickly!)

Roommate And Chemicals Don’t Mix

, , , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2017

(I have been attending college and just moved into my first apartment. I am a slightly older student, and so I asked for an older roommate. I am there for one month, and my roommate proceeds to give me the cold shoulder the entire time. Finally, after three and a half weeks, he starts to warm up to me. One Thursday night, I invite my friends over to hang out. My roommate decides to join us, and they begin playing a drinking game. I do not drink, so I am drinking water. Everyone gets drunk pretty quickly.)

Friend #1: “I’m hungry. Do you have any snacks? Anything sweet?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s some ice cream in the fridge; help yourself!”

Friend #2: “I want some ice cream!”

Roommate: “You can’t have any ice cream; you’ll throw up. Don’t make me take care of you tonight.”

Friend #2: “I’ll be fine!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, she didn’t drink that much.”

Roommate: “Whatever, man…”

Me: *to my friend* “Hey, I might have something for your stomach…”

(As I try and ask if [Antacid] or [Motion Sickness Medicine] would work, my roommate loses his cool. He stands up in his seat and begins screaming at me at the top of his lungs from across the table.)

Roommate:What?! What are you talking about!? Chemicals?! She needs water!

(He jabs his finger in my face to emphasize his point. I am staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights. I really don’t handle people screaming at me very well, especially drunk people, and tend to panic or cry.)

Friend #1 & #2: “Woah, you need to calm down.”

Roommate: “NO! SHE’S OFFERING YOU CHEMICALS! What was it you said!?” *I hadn’t named anything yet.* “SHE NEEDS TO DRINK WATER! YOU GOT THAT!? WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

(He storms off to his room, still screaming at the top of his lungs. As my friends try to talk him down, I shakily stand up and head off to my room. However, doing this seems to irritate my roommate more, and he becomes much louder.)

Friend #2: “You need to stop!”

Roommate: “NO! IF SHE WANTS TO BE IMMATURE, LET HER! I’M THE ONE BEING AN ADULT HERE!”

Me: *turns to look at my roommate* “Can I say something? I’m not leaving because you were wrong. I’m sorry; I wasn’t thinking.” *at this point I really just want him to stop screaming* “I left because you’re screaming at me and it’s very rude.”

Roommate: “YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT RUDE!? I KNOW YOU WENT IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “What? I’ve never been in your room.”

Roommate: “WHY IS YOUR VOICE SHAKING?! IF YOU DIDN’T DO IT, WHY THE F*** IS YOUR VOICE SHAKING?!”

Me: “I—”

Roommate: “WHY IS YOUR VOICE SHAKING?!”

Me: “B-because my heart is pounding? You’re screaming at me.”

Roommate: “I’M TRYING TO BE AN ADULT HERE. THIS IS TOO IMMATURE FOR ME. ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR!? I DON’T DEAL WITH LIARS!”

(Then he stormed out of the apartment, stomping so loudly that the floor to our third-floor apartment shook. After this, I was scared of this man and proceeded to go home. I spent the next week quickly moving my stuff out of the apartment and commuting to school, which took two whole hours, one way. I came to find out that he submitted a complaint to the front office within the first day of me living there. It made things very ironic and incredibly creepy when I returned to the apartment at the end of the week and found that not only had he stolen some of my personal belongings from the common area, he had also dug through my personal trash for things to keep. I will be filing a police report tomorrow morning. Guilty conscious much?)

A Totally Reasonable Reaction

, , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I am staying at my grandfather’s house in rural Alaska for a summer. One day, I notice several pockmarks that look like birdshot in the bedroom wall.)

Me: “Grandpa, why did you shoot the wall in my bedroom?”

Grandpa: “There was a spider.”

Me: “You used a shotgun to kill a spider?”

Grandpa: “It was a really big spider.”

Me: “Did you at least get it?”

Grandpa: *sadly* “No.”

Weeding Out The Junkies

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(For a future program, we’re having a conversation about medical marijuana being sold in our state. We have the program advertised on the bulletin board when this happens. A woman sees the advertisement, and then begins screaming across the lobby at us.)

Woman: “YOU’RE SELLING WEED?!”

Us: “No, it’s a conversation!”

Woman: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE SELLING WEED!”

Us: “It’s a conversation about selling weed!”

(The woman comes to the front desk.)

Us: “You got excited, didn’t you?”

Woman: “Yeah…”

Time To Walk Them Through It

, , , | Working | October 12, 2017

(The number one rule at pools is no running. Just don’t do it. I’ve seen some pretty gruesome injuries as a result. One day, I’m lifeguarding, and this kid is just not getting the “no running” rule. We’ve warned him three times and still see him literally sprinting from one side to the other. My coworker finally has enough the fourth time.)

Coworker: *as loud as she can* “HEY, YOU!” *the kid stops and looks like a deer in headlights* “COME HERE!”

(The kid walks, for the first time at a reasonable speed, up to her, looking scared. We can kick people out of the pool, and I’m pretty sure he assumes that is about to happen.)

Coworker: “All right. Can you lift up your left leg?”

Kid: “Uh, yeah.”

(He does so.)

Coworker: “Okay, and put it down?”

(The kid does that.)

Coworker: “Now lift up your right leg and put it down.”

(The kid does all these things and stares at her, confused.)

Coworker: “Great! What you just did is called walking. That is what I and the other lifeguards have been trying to get you to do the whole time you’ve been here. Not because it’s optional, but because it’s safer! Now that we’ve established that you can walk, you better slow down, or you can’t be here anymore. Understand?”

(The kid nodded and never ran the rest of his stay.)

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