The More Grisly The Threat The Less Seriously It’s Taken

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

A customer’s young son, maybe age three or so, is standing in the shopping trolley dancing and jumping around.

Mother: “If you don’t sit down, you will fall out. You will fall out and crack your head open when you hit the ground, and your brains will fall out, and you will need to go to the hospital and go to intensive care, and I will not take you!”

Little Boy: “Okay!”

He kept jumping around.

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A Not So Warm And Cuddly Story

, , , , , , | Legal | September 20, 2020

My best friend of ten years is six months pregnant. Due to the current health crisis, among other reasons, we have not been able to catch up in person since April. I do crochet and embroidery as a hobby and have spent my free time over the last two or three months making a baby blanket, which is basically the baby’s name embroidered among stars and planets, etc.

My best friend and I are catching up in a coffee shop that’s halfway between our respective houses, for the first time in months, and I have given her the blanket for the baby. We’ve just sat down to enjoy our cuppas and a chat when we hear a woman’s voice.

Woman: “Um, excuse me, how much is that blanket?”

Best Friend: “Oh, [My Name] made it for me! It’s for my—”

Woman: *Rudely* “How much?”

Best Friend: “Um… what? It’s not for sale.”

Me: “I made it for my niece; it’s a gift—”

Woman: “I asked you HOW MUCH?” *Raises her voice* “I don’t understand why you can’t just answer me! So rude!”

Me: “Look, the blanket isn’t for sale! You can’t have it! So can you please leave us alone?”

Woman: *Gives us both a death glare* “F****** RUDE!”

She turned to walk away and we thought that was the end of it. Nope: quicker than either of us could react, she snatched the blanket off the table and made a run for the door!

Lucky for us, she tried to pull a push door and slammed head first into it, losing her balance and landing square on her backside. I grabbed the blanket out of her hands before she could react, and she started screaming about theft and assault and calling me every name in the book. At this point, I was worried she was going to have an aneurysm with how hard she was shrieking.

Even better, the cafe had security tapes and the barista had seen the woman snatch the blanket.

Cops were called, charges were filed — she spat on me and you bet I’m booking her for it — my best friend got her blanket, and I finally got a story to post on here!

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She Comes Full Loaded With Fury

, , , | Friendly | September 17, 2020

I am walking from an airsoft shop looking at the folder they gave me about owning a non-lethal weapon, as I am a first-time buyer and I got a pistol. I still have it in the box. A few moments later a woman comes up to me.

Woman: “You are putting me in danger carrying that around! Give that to me!”

She tries to reach for my air-gun! I back up.

Me: “Hey! What are you doing!?”

Woman: “You are endangering everyone here carrying that around, besides, it is illegal for a child to own a gun!”

Me: “Did you even notice the thirty-page-long binder with a clearly-written name called ‘laws about owning a non-lethal weapon’?”

 A nearby police car is driving past. She starts shouting at it and flags it down.

Police Officer: “What is wrong?”

Woman: “That boy threatened to shoot me with that gun! Take him to the station!”

The police officer notices the box and the binder.

Police Officer: “He is literally carrying a binder about gun laws and proper handling of non-lethal weapons, and I do not think he has telekinesis to shoot you with a gun still in the box.”

The police officer asks for the box, takes it, and shows her the contents.

Police Officer: “Do you see any bullets or ammunition of any kind in here? Leave him alone.”

Woman: *Fury intensifies* “I am going to report you to your commanding officer! And you! *Points at me* “You will be put in jail!”

I decide to just walk away to the distant shouts of a very angry woman.

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The Wedding From (And In) Heck

, , , , , , , | Related | September 16, 2020

My younger sister had a summer wedding in Las Vegas where she was living at the time. It was hot as heck, in the nineties even at night that week. My dad had to pick me up at the airport. The flight was delayed three hours, so I got into Las Vegas just after 7:00 pm.

The groom’s family was supposed to take everyone out for dinner. They did not wait for us, so only my sister was there. They all got drunk as h***. My parents, grandmother, and I ended up eating at [Australia-Themed Chain]. Our dinner was very nice, but it was around 10:00 pm.

The groom and best man had a fistfight in the restaurant’s parking lot, which led to the groom and my sister spending the night in a Las Vegas emergency room. The best man ended up in jail for the entire weekend. My sister refused to leave her intended in the emergency room, so she called my mom about every two hours during the night. My folks did not get much sleep. I shared a room with my grandmom, so we slept okay.

The next day, the day of the wedding, the groom’s family, the groom, and my sister all showed up. They were all hungover and unhappy. The wedding was supposed to be at 1:00 pm, with the ceremony held at a cheap-looking walk-in wedding chapel. There was no shade or outdoor seating. The prior wedding party ran late, so we all spent an hour outdoors, in Las Vegas in July, where the outside temperature went from 108 to 110F during that hour. After about twenty minutes, my dad let my mom, grandmom, and me sit in their rental car with the air conditioning on so we didn’t get heatstroke.

Finally, a little past 2:00 pm, the ceremony could begin. It turns out that the chapel could hold twelve if everyone squished together, and there were more than twenty there. My dad squished inside, but I stayed in the rental car to keep my ninety-year-old grandmom healthy, and after a little bit, my mom came to sit out the ceremony.

We had to go back outside for wedding pictures. Photos for the ceremony were done by one of the groom’s friends. Everyone had to stand out in the sun again for another half-hour and I was ordered to not wear my prescription sunglasses for the pics. Since I never saw evidence of any pics, my guess is he screwed up somehow.

By this point, I had used all of a (large) tube of SPF-fifty sunscreen on myself, my grandmom, and my mom — and everyone else attending because no one else brought sunscreen. I was the only one who wore a hat. I was in long sleeves/full coverage, dying in the heat, because I’m pale as f***.

As the wedding group was getting into cars, someone rammed into me, knocking my prescription sunglasses — in their case — onto the asphalt, and a car drove over them. They were crushed beyond salvaging.

For the reception/wedding dinner, my sister had booked twenty reserved places for us at a bar she liked, and thirty were in the party by then. We got there and only two six-person booths were held for us. The catering guys never showed, but they did call the bar to alert them. This meant there was no food available, only drinks.

The cake, ordered separately, never showed up, either, but my sister only found this out an hour later. The bar’s staff lied that it was “in the back” so the entire group wouldn’t leave before spending money there.

Everyone got drunk — no food and lots of booze — except for me, since I don’t drink. I ended up driving my mom, dad, and grandmom back to our motel.

We were told there was another fight in the bar later that night which ended with more police involvement, but my sister didn’t want to talk about the details. Her new husband was arrested but not booked that night. My sister says they got out of the police station at around 3:00 am.

The marriage lasted less than a year.

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Be Glad The Only Ones Barking Mad Are The Humans

, , , | Related | September 16, 2020

My sister was over at my place with her three kids. I had invited her over so we could discuss something related to our parents. I’d like to clarify that I had invited only her. But for some reason, she dragged her kids along. It is a Saturday afternoon, she could have left them with her husband. Fine, whatever. I could handle their presence in my home for a short while. Or so I thought.

She and I are talking while the kids are playing in the living room. They constantly climb over the furniture and grab the delicate vases and antique figurines.

Me: “Please stop grabbing those!”

They continue even though I keep telling them not to. Later they are eating some candy.

Me: *To Sister* “Your kids are eating their candy and dropping the wrappers where they are standing.”

My sister is unperturbed by their boorish behavior and just laughs it off, not even making an attempt to discipline them.

My dogs are both sleeping, but the noise the kids are making wakes them up. The dogs come out of their room and the kids get really excited when they see them.

Kids: “We want to play with the dogs!”

Me: “Okay, but you need to be gentle—”

They rush to the dogs and try to grab them. One of them is about to grab one of the dogs’ ears when I get to them. I am terrified that my dogs (a Doberman and a Rottweiler mix) would be spooked and might defend themselves, the kids might get hurt and my dogs and I would be in big legal trouble – it could be anything from a fine to having to euthanize them. 

I quickly place myself before the dogs and the kids.

Me: “Back off! If you wanted to interact with my dogs you’re going to do it in a civilized manner.”

These kids aren’t used to being told “no” and begin to whine.

Me: “Be quiet and sit on the couch and maybe you’ll get to pet the dogs.”

Sister: “You’re being rude to my kids by telling them not to play in the living room and not to play with the dogs! And they’ve had never been around animals, how would they learn how to interact with dogs if you don’t let them play with yours?”

Me: “Because my dogs will not be collateral damage in your kids learning basic empathy for animals. This isn’t going to work, we’ll just talk on the phone. You and your kids needed to leave.”

She scoffs, tells her kids to follow her (they do this while continuing their ear-piercing whining) and start walking out.

Sister: “You know nothing about kids.”

Me: “I do know one thing: you’re supposed to teach them to respect other people’s homes. Something you are clearly incapable of doing.”

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