You Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone

, , , , , , | Working | May 13, 2021

Part of my job is to get the company through its annual audit, which means working with all the different departments to ensure that they are working to the standard, to suggest fixes, and to help them achieve compliance. It is a thankless task. Everyone assumes it has nothing to do with them, and no one wants to make any effort to change something they see as “not broken.”

Every year is the same. I spend months chasing owners, while they won’t do nearly enough or they just ignore me. The audit is painful and embarrassing, and I receive many, many non-compliances. I always get a major lecture from my boss, no matter what I do. It is never enough for him.

It’s exhausting and humiliating and I feel like I am wasting my life, getting nowhere, for a boss that doesn’t see any value in me or what I do, despite the company not being able to legally function without a passed audit.

Enough is enough, and six months before the next audit, I hand in my six months’ notice. My boss does not seem to care.

I finish my last day like this.

Me: “All previous audit failures are here, and I have a report of the work we said we did to fix it, signed by you and the owners.”

Boss: *Not looking up* “Yeah.”

Me: “I have made the auditors aware of the changes but not who will be the new contact person.”

My boss is still not even looking at me.

Me: “The changes to the standard are here, so these need to be looked at.”

Boss: “Yeah, yeah, sure. I’m sure we will be fine.”

Me: “Great. I have nothing more to do today, so I will be at my desk until the end of the day.”

Boss: “You may as well leave now.”

Me: “Great. Good luck on the audit.”

I packed up my things, said my goodbyes, and left. I kept in touch with several of my old coworkers there. I found out that a month before the audit, they still hadn’t hired a replacement and began to look at the audit. They were not at all prepared, hadn’t done any of the monthly work needed since I left, hadn’t addressed any of the changes I showed them, and hadn’t checked the last year’s audit to ensure that they are still compliant.

They had their worst audit in history with major failures all over and they nearly had to withdraw the certificate, stopping the site completely.

Because of the seriousness, an additional audit had to be planned at a cost of around £25,000. The company hired an expensive specialist to basically do everything I used to do and tell them everything I said.

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What You Manifest Will Come To Be

, , , , , , , | Working | May 13, 2021

My dad had a very superstitious employee. Every Friday the thirteenth, this employee would call in sick. Finally, my dad had enough of this and told the employee that if he called in sick like this again he would be fired.

The next Friday the thirteenth was a very foggy morning. The employee usually would come in before dawn. The office was at the end of a service road with only a ditch past it. When the employee came to work that Friday, he drove past the office and ended up in that ditch. After that, my dad told him he could take personal days from then on.

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Breakfast Time Is Hammer Time

, , , | Right | May 11, 2021

I work at the office of a small company that produces handmade muesli. They are baked and make a popular breakfast food in a bowl with milk or, since the clusters are a little bigger than average, are commonly snacked on during the day. Those bigger clusters are really popular; people love them and compliment us on them.

I’m typing in orders when I stumble upon one with a customer note. Nothing unusual. It says, “Please include a hammer for the crunchies.” Obviously, someone with good humour, I think. I even show the note to my boss and we have a good laugh. We send the order on its way — minus the hammer, of course.

A few days later, the phone rings.

Me: “Hello, [Company], this is [My Name].”

Customer: “This is [Customer]. I have a complaint.”

I’m panicking inside because he sounds grumpy and irritated, and I’m bracing myself for a good shouting over a damaged package or something. 

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Can you tell me what happened?”

Customer: “I have placed an order and wrote specifically that I want a hammer.”

I’m relieved because, clearly, this is that customer with the good humor.

Me: “Oh, yes. We saw it. I even showed it to our boss. Thank you for brightening up our day.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Sir? Are you still there?”

Customer: *Suddenly explodes* “If I request a hammer, I expect a hammer! You always make those darn clusters so big! How am I expected to eat that stuff? If you sell crap like this, the least you could do is send me a f****** tool to make them smaller! What kind of f****** customer service is this? F*** you!”

He hung up on me. 

I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he expected us — a company that sells breakfast muesli — to send him an actual hammer so he could break the five-centimetre clusters that fall apart in milk into smaller pieces?

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The Art Of Charming Your Coworkers

, , , , , , | Working | May 11, 2021

On my way into work, I stop at reception to show a friend a drawing I did over the weekend that is saved on my phone.

Receptionist: “Wow, that’s really good. You missed your calling. You should be an artist.”

Me: “I— I am. That’s literally my job here.”

She blushed so quickly I was worried she was going to pass out, but then we both laughed.

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When Electricity Is An Attractive Force

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2021

Me: “Hello, [Company Acronym].”

Caller: “Hello, is this [Electrical Supplier #1]?”

Me: “No, this is [Electrical Supplier #2] in [Town].”

Caller: “Oh… so, you sell electrical supplies?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “Great, that’s what I’m looking for! Do you sell [item]? I’ve got a job at a hotel in [Town]…”

Me: “Let me transfer you to sales.”

An unconventional way to acquire a customer, but I’m not complaining!

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