That’s Not What They Mean By Edibles

, , , , , | Working | August 17, 2017

(I write profiles on various attractions for the west coast. Though new, I’ve received a few odd assignments, and with my general eccentric interests, I’m fairly hard to throw off-balance. One day, a profile request for a museum exhibit in San Diego comes to my email.)

Me: “Oh, gods, please tell me that someone misspelled ‘cannabis.’”

Coworker: “Why, what’s it say?”

Me: “Cannibals: Myth & Reality.”

Coworker: “What? Yeah, that has to be a typo.”

(I look at the brochure that came with the assignment.)

Me: “Nope. It says cannibals. I’m writing about a cannibalism exhibit. This was not what I was expecting when I applied here.”

(I write the profile and become very interested in the exhibit, to the point where I request to write an editorial article for our website. A few days later, I get a call from one of the people at the museum for an impromptu interview. He’s very helpful, explaining how the exhibit is meant to disprove many of the popular notions about cannibalism. He’s incredibly insightful, pointing out how most cases of were actually for medical purposes in western culture, or a desperate situation of life and death. However, since I am not on speakerphone, my coworkers can only hear my side of the conversation.)

Me: “That makes so much sense. So, it’s not just savages and psychopaths that indulge in cannibalism?”

Coworker: “That was not a sentence I expected to hear in this office.”

Boss: *sticking her head out of her office* “I’m sure there’s context for that, but I’m not sure I want to know it, [My Name]. I’m just glad I already had lunch.”

(Thankfully, the article ended up being very good, but after that I made sure to either let my coworkers know who I was interviewing ahead of time, or take the call in another office.)

Interview Drama

, , , | Working | August 14, 2017

(I’m interviewing candidates for a role, I have already seen their CVs and have picked out the best of the bunch. All they have to do it impress with their personality and answer some simple questions.)

Me: “So why did you apply for this role?”

Candidate: “Well, I have always wanted to work in engineering.”

Me: “Really? Okay, that’s interesting. Well, this is a new field for you; what makes you think you have the ability to perform in this role?”

Candidate: “Well, my degree will really help me.”

Me: “Your degree in…” *I check papers* “…drama? How… would… that help you?”

Candidate: “I… err. Well…”

(It turned out that they couldn’t answer simple questions about their own CV, and more likely than not made a lot of it up. We went with someone else.)

Another Case Of Wifitis

, , , , , , | Working | August 13, 2017

(We’re due to have a new member of staff; they passed the interviews all fine and we’re just making sure that their workspace will be set up a-ok. Keep in mind we’re an Internet software company. As part of this we ask if the employee has any special needs for their workplace; for instance I’m disabled due to arthritis so I require a special chair and keyboard set up. I got a phone call from the new employee about a day before she was due to start:)

New Starter: “Hey, yeah, just calling about my workplace set up. I do have a few requirements.”

Me: “Okay, no worries; do you want to go through them now or send them via email or post?”

New Starter: “Nah, phone is fine. I need an ergonomic keyboard and mouse because I have RSI.”

Me: “No problems at all; I’ve got a setup like that myself so we’ll get those installed for you.”

New Starter: “Right, and I’m deathly allergic to WiFi, so you’ll need to shut off anything wireless in the office.”

Me: “…pardon?”

New Starter: “Yes, I’ll die if I’m near a wifi signal. You need to shut down anything that works wireless.”

Me: *noticing at this point she’s calling me from a MOBILE PHONE* “Erm, that may pose a real problem as a lot of our systems and phones work on wireless.”

New Starter: “Tough. Disable it. Rewire it or whatever you have to do. I’ll die if I’m near anything wireless.”

Me: “Can I ask a question?”

New Starter: “Yes.”

Me: “How did you protect yourself against the signals when you came in for your interviews then? That meeting room actually houses two of the main wireless points for the office.”

New Starter: “I’m going to sue.” *hangs up*

(She DID in fact call a lawyer to claim we were refusing ‘disability accommodations’ who then called our corporate office to complain. We’d already sent the notes from my phone call up so they knew about her ‘issue.’ We never heard anything further aside from a single note from HR saying we’d withdrawn the job offer ‘on agreement with the interviewee.’)

It’s Not A Party If There’s No Banjo

, , , , | Friendly | August 12, 2017

Me: “Guess what I did last night!”

Coworker: “Partaaaay?”

Me: “What? Me? On a Friday night? Partying?”

Coworker: “No partaaay?”

Me: “No, I learned how to play the banjo.”

He Must Get Emailed Lots Of Interesting Questions

, , , , | General | August 11, 2017

At my workplace, our email addresses are automatically generated by using the first three letters of one’s last name, followed by first two letters of the first name.

I have a coworker named Edward Sexton. His email is sex.ed@(business).com. The company refuses to allow him to change it.

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