, , , , , , , | | Working | July 19, 2019

In the 80s, a friend was a technical programmer for a major oil company, and was given a project to create a program to enable users to visualize 3D data. Due to the primitive nature of hardware and software at that time, she had to use a lot of tricks to get the code to run in a reasonable time. It was a lot of work and a tremendous accomplishment; when she was done, the company had a tool that gave it a significant advantage over their competitors.

Her boss at the time was a man who was a suck-up to upper management, always found within a ten-foot radius of the highest ranking person in any gathering. So, when the determination was made that her program would be demonstrated to our CEO, her boss naturally decided he should be the one to give said demonstration. Unfortunately for him, although he knew in general terms what the program did, he had never used it, and at that time it didn’t have the fancy graphical interfaces that exist today. Even experienced users could have difficulties with it, and he was starting from ground zero and trying to get up to speed in less than two weeks.

Her boss called my friend into his office multiple times every work day for help, and he even phoned her at home to ask questions in the evenings. The latest call was 11:35!

When the big day came, her boss got up in front of the assembled dignitaries and started in. When he tried to access program, he got a few steps in and ran into a problem. My friend gave him instructions from the back of the room but then something else popped up. Eventually, my colleague took over the demo and gave a well-received talk.

She confessed later that due to the nature of the program it had frequent updates, sometimes more than one a day. There had been one that morning, along with a document explaining changes to the name list file used to run the program. Her boss, as she’d known he would, hadn’t read it! So, she got to look good at his expense, he didn’t get to steal credit for her work, and there was nothing really that he could do about it.

Dreaming Of Another Meeting

, , , , , | | Working | July 17, 2019

(I’m the assistant manager of a lawyer’s office, and whilst I get everything done, I’m really laid back and insist on being left alone. When the manager quits, his replacement isn’t fully aware of my way of working.)

Manager: “Where is [My Name]?”

Assistant: “Um, I do believe he’s asleep in his office.”


Assistant: “Yes, he knows. Don’t worry; everything will be fine.”


(The manager blasts into my office.)

Manager: “[My Name]! WHERE ARE YOU?!”

Me: “Under my desk! Go away!”


(I’m in her office in one minute.)


Me: “Yes. Everything’s under control.”

(She spends the next ten minutes quizzing me on the meeting, which makes us late. Then, because she is so concerned about my being asleep and not prepared, she isn’t prepared herself. After the meeting ends:)

Me: “Next time, just worry about yourself and leave me alone.”

I Don’t Love You, Man

, , , , | | Romantic | July 17, 2019

(I meet this guy who is my customer at work. He seems normal, and we exchange numbers and agree to go on a date to the movies. We agree to meet at the theater to watch “I Love You, Man.” I get there first and I feel butterflies since I’ve never actually been on a date before, due to working a lot. I have a bad feeling, but I figure it is time to try it since I am already 25. The movie begins, and he doesn’t show. I call him and he picks up.)

Me: “Hey, where are you? The movie’s about to start!”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, sorry, but I can’t make it today.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “What?”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, I’m so sorry. I forgot that I don’t have a car.”

Me: “Um… How did you expect to get here, then? A taxi?”

Guy: “Yeah, I don’t have any money for that! I didn’t think that far ahead. I’m so dumb. Listen, do you think you can pick me up? I’m at the bus stop.”

(I decline and hang up. My intuition tells me to just ignore him, so I do and watch the movie by myself. After it’s done, he calls again.)

Guy: “Look, I’m so sorry again for not being able to come.”

Me: “Yeah, I had to watch the movie by myself, you know!”

Guy: “I said I’m so sorry. Can I call you later?”

(I agreed and hung up. Later, he came to my work and asked if he could have another date. I said no. Then, he started asking bizarre questions, like if I thought he was hot, and if I wanted to spend the weekend in a hotel on the beach with him. Keep in mind, we still didn’t have a date! I said no, and he asked if I had any hot friends to hook him up with. By now, all my coworkers were staring wide-eyed and he finally left… bursting into maniacal laughter as he went. I don’t think I’ll date again for a while.)

The Number Of Times This Happens…

, , , | | Right | July 16, 2019

(I work in a pay-producing third-party company. We have more than 3,000 different clients who count on us to calculate deductions and pay their employees the right net amounts. I work in the department that works with employees. I often receive calls like these, but this one was one of my best mic-drop moments.)

Caller: “I want to know why I pay more taxes this week.”

Me: “It would be my pleasure to verify. Can I have your company ID and your employee number?”

Caller: “I don’t have them. Can’t you look with my name?”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t. Human error is too much of a risk factor and we don’t want to risk giving your information by mistake to someone who has the same name you do.”

Caller: “Just be careful and ask me something else.”

Me: “I can’t, I am sorry. I can’t even look by name. I need your company ID and with this, I can then add your employee number.”

(She is getting frustrated because she doesn’t want to call her employer for this information or look for a pay statement. She keeps repeating that she can give me other information such as her social security number, address, mother’s maiden name, etc., and she doesn’t want to understand that I CAN’T look any other way.)

Caller: *really sarcastic voice* “I don’t understand how a big company like yours, in this day and age, does not have a security code we can give you as we do with any other companies!”

Me: *in a sweet voice, even though I am starting to get really mad* “We do. We simply call it your company ID and employee number.”

Caller: “UGH!” *hangs up*

A Vanilla Thriller

, , , , , , | | Working | July 13, 2019

(My boss comes up to me Monday morning, lamenting that the coffee machine isn’t working and she wants a coffee. I’m a graphic artist — so this is in no way my problem — but pretty savvy with machines, so I go to give it a once-over. I grab the key from where I know the tech keeps it, check the coffee levels — which are low, but not out — and then close everything up and make myself a coffee — that I don’t really want — so I can test the machine. Everything works fine. I tell her I can’t find a problem, but she comes to me shortly after complaining that it’s still not working. I go back to the machine with her to see where the problem could be stemming from and see that she’s ordering some sort of flavoured vanilla drink — no coffee involved at all. I open the machine again and dig deeper into its guts to find that, indeed, the vanilla is out. She keeps hovering, complaining that the coffee machine is broken and that she doesn’t have time to go upstairs to get a coffee from another machine. She continues moaning about her valuable time being wasted that she has to go upstairs to get her coffee as I’m pulling a packet of vanilla from where I know it’s kept. She then heads for the door to go upstairs to get her sugar drink as I fill the machine and lock it back up. To this day, every morning she asks me if the machine is still broken.)

Me: “It was never broken. It just ran out of vanilla.”

Boss: “So, it’s still broken.”

Me: “No. You saw me refill it. And the tech came through Wednesday and topped everything up.”

Boss: “Do you think it will be fixed by next week?”

(This woman is not an idiot! I don’t know what was happening in her brain here!)

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