Doesn’t Have Time To Talk About Time

, , , , , | Right | February 15, 2019

(My job has a couple of clients who are notorious for being difficult on the phone. This one client often makes demands we are unable to fulfill, and is rude and aggressive. On this day, he wants something done by the end of the day that takes two days minimum to be done.)

Me: “It is currently with one of our agents, sir. She needs to authorise it before I can—“

Client: “Right. Put her on the line, then.”

Me: “I can certainly put you through to her. May I put you on hold?”

Client: “No! I don’t want to be put on hold. I’m a very busy man! Just pass the phone to her.”

Me: “She’s actually in a separate office, but she has been waiting for your call. I have to put you on hold to be able to transfer the call to her.”

Client: “No, you don’t. You’re lying to me!”

Me: “I’m not lying, sir. I absolutely can put you through—“

Client: *at the top of his voice* “GO. AND. GET. HER. NOW!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t just leave the phone on my desk to do that. It’s against company procedure. In the time we’ve been talking, I could have put you through. If you would allow me to put you on hold–”

Client: “NO! I am a very busy man and I don’t have time. Get her to call me back in the next thirty minutes or I’ll sue your company!”

(The best bit? He called back fifteen minutes later saying no one had called and did the exact same thing to my colleague. He could have saved a lot of hassle.)

Thoughts And Prayers Cause No Actions

, , , | Legal | February 13, 2019

(I am new at an office that deals with contracts. I get my first notification of a customer that’s passed away, through an email from one of the heirs.)

Me: “[Coworker], it seems [Person on Contract] has passed away. Can I close the contract?”

Coworker: “Did they include a death certificate?”

Me: “No, but they did include some sort of prayer leaflet and the invitation for the cremation.”

Coworker: “No, that won’t do. We have to have a death certificate.”

Me: “Really? I mean, isn’t this proof enough?”

Coworker: “Nope, it’s not.”

Me: “Why would anyone try to fake a death?”

Coworker: “Ah, blissfully naive [My Name]. I was once like you… until the day someone came to the office and tried to close an account with fake prayers and fake mourning cards.”

Me: “No way! Someone did that?! How did you find out it was a fake?”

Coworker: “We didn’t, but City Hall did. They found out the person was still alive… when that person tried to claim the benefits for the heirs… themselves.”

(Turns out the lady in question wanted to emigrate and burn all bridges so she wouldn’t have to pay rent, etc. The heirs applied for special benefits to “fly the body to the country of birth,” which was granted. However, the “deceased” thought it was okay to claim this herself as travelling expenses and that no one would recognise her. My coworker was not informed of what happened to the lady, but I hope it involved a little room and a huge fine.)

Marriage, Thy Name Is Nepotism

, , , | Working | February 12, 2019

(I work at this small IT office. The boss’s wife is one of my coworkers; she can be very bossy and has a temper. I have worked here for almost a year now, mostly ignoring her outbursts.)

Me: “Good morning. I am calling you for a ticket that was made by your company yesterday. It was issued by Mr. [Employee].”

Company: “Sorry, but Mr. [Employee] is not available right now; he is sick at home.”

(Ten minutes later I hear the boss’s wife talking to another coworker.)

Boss’s Wife: “I still need to call Mr. [Employee]. He wanted to talk to me about some pricing issues.”

Me: “Oh, he’s sick. I’ve just talked to his company on the phone.”

Boss’s Wife: “STOP LISTENING IN! I’M GROWN UP; I CAN MAKE MY OWN CALLS. IF I WANT TO CALL HIM, I WILL!”

Me: “Wow, calm down. Sorry. I did not mean to decide for you. I just heard you saying his name… and you are sitting next to me.”

Boss’s Wife: “YOU HAVE NO REASON TO LISTEN IN ON MY CONVERSATION. I WILL TAKE THIS TO THE BOSS!”

(She runs out, clearly very angry.)

Coworker: “Well, now you’ve done it. You’ve been the twelfth new guy to piss her off. It was nice knowing you.”

Me: “She can’t seriously fire someone over this… can she?”

(And yes, two hours later, I was given two minutes to clear my desk, without even a chance to say goodbye to my colleagues.)

Hopefully They Still Make Time For Second Breakfast

, , , , | Working | February 11, 2019

Me: “I think [Municipality] uses the Shire’s calendar.”

Boss: “A calendar from the Shire? What do you mean?”

Me: “The calendar used by the Hobbit-folk, you know.”

Boss: “Oh?”

Me: “Well, I mean… I don’t know any other calendar on which February has a 30th day.”

(And the people who dated at least two letters like that are supposed to be running a part of the country!)

This Scam Is Copied The World Over

, , , , | Legal | February 11, 2019

While at work one day, the doorbell rang. Our receptionist was on maternity leave and our office is so small the company hadn’t bothered to find a replacement, so we all just kind of filled in.

One of my coworkers went to answer it. A minute later she came back with a look of confusion and concern on her face. She told the woman sitting next to me that the guy at the door wanted to see our copy machines, and she wasn’t sure if that was okay. Thanks to Not Always Right, I recognized the attempted scam and told her to send him away. She didn’t want to — she’s too nice — so I said I would.

I have to admit, this guy had his part down cold, the whole, “Aw, shucks. I’m no harm to anyone, just doin’ my job; help a fella out,” persona, and if I hadn’t already heard of the scam, I may have actually agreed. I told him firmly that there was nobody here authorized to let him in. He backpedaled, saying that he didn’t actually need to see the machines, he just needed to know what kind they were. I told him that we had nobody here authorized to give out that information. Then he asked if he could have the receptionist’s card. (So you can pretend to have spoken to her? Sure, buddy.) I told him the phone number for the head office was on our website, and that he could call them with any questions, and shut the door in his face.

So, thanks, Not Always Right!

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