A new hire, on her first day, is standing next to me at customer service to pick up the ropes. She confidently asks an approaching woman how she can help.

Customer: “Yeah, I need some suggestions as to what to put on my shark coochie board.”

The new hire immediately turns to me, her eyes screaming “help”.

Me: “Charcuterie boards! Cheese, sliced meats, grapes, all that good stuff! Follow me!”

The customer didn’t realize what she’d called it, but our poor new hire got a quick lesson in how our customers can mispronounce things!

Like many convenience stores across America, we have our regular crazy guy who likes to come in to spout political, racist, and conspiracy theory nonsense. 

We have a new hire behind the counter today, a young woman working here while going to college.

Me: “Oh, great. [New Hire], that old guy walking in right now with the sneer on his face. That’s [Regular].”

New Hire: “The one you told me about?”

Me: “Yeah. You’re allowed to tell him to shut up and just buy his cigarettes if he starts going off.”

[Regular] does indeed wander up to the counter to ask for his cigarettes.

Regular: “You a new girl?”

New Hire: “I’m a woman, and yes, I just started working here.”

Regular: “Ooooh! Sorry, girl-ee. Was a time when women appreciated being called girls, made them feel younger.”

New Hire: “Well that’s okay because you don’t need to be able to make me feel anything to buy your cigarettes. That’s [total].”

Regular: “You one of them liberal feminists, ain’t ya? This is what happens to our kids’ minds when we get ’em all vaccinated and raised by liberal TV shows!”

New Hire: “Ha! You’re an anti-vaxxer? You do realize you’re playing right into Big Pharma’s hands and giving them more money by keeping diseases alive, right? You’re doing exactly what they want you to do!”

Regular: “What? No. Big Pharma… they… they want people to take vaccines!”

New Hire: “That’s what they want you to want them to think you want.”

Regular: “I… uh… I gotta go.”

He paid for his cigarettes and skuttled off from whence he came. The new hire looks to me and smiles.

New Hire: “They think they’ve got the conspiracy figured out? Nothing f***s up a conspiracy nut faster than telling them they’ve fallen for a bigger one.”

A manager is helping a customer at our electronics and phone store. The manager’s radio goes off, and our newest coworker can be heard on the other end.

Coworker: “[Manager], can you come and help me with my customer?”

Manager: “I know it’s your first day since training, but come on [Coworker’s Name], this is your very first customer on your own. You can’t call a manager over for every little thing.”

Coworker: “The customer says their husband is sending them pictures of his one-eyed monster on her smartphone. The customer asked if her husband has an STI, would it give her phone a virus? I said no, but she wants to confirm it with a manager.”

Manager: “…I’ll be there as soon as I’m done here.”

Manager’s Customer: “Good Lord, go help that poor girl right now! We can wait!”

I work in a large warehouse. Managers of certain warehouse sections (warehousemen) often hire new apprentices to help out with the lower-skilled work.

Warehouseman: “Hey, [New Apprentice], I need you to clean up some of the cardboard boxes that are lying around here. Take them out of the main floor of the warehouse.”

Apprentice: “You’re just giving me all the s***ty jobs!”

Warehouseman: “I’m giving you jobs that need doing, and that you’re here to do.”

Apprentice: “Ugh. I’m so tired already. Can’t someone else do it?”

Warehouseman: “Come on, it’ll be character-building.”

Apprentice: *Genuinely serious.* “I don’t even know where the Character Building is, so I can’t do it.”

The new apprentice only got an inkling that he was mistaken about something when I couldn’t hold in the laughter any longer.

I work in a fast food adjacent kinda place. A new hire (mid-teens) is helping me wash out some heads of lettuce.

New Hire: “Why is there so much dirt in the lettuce?”

Me: “They come direct from the farm to here.”

New Hire: “Okay, but where did the dirt come from?”

Me: “The ground.”

New Hire: “Eww, these things have touched the ground? And we’re feeding customers this stuff?”

Me: “Lettuce comes from the ground. That’s where it grows.”

New Hire: “For real. Ugh. I’m so happy I only have cheese in my burger.”

Me: “Do you order fries?”

New Hire: “Of course!”

Me: “Then you’re gonna love finding out where potatoes come from…”