Expects Everything But The Kitchen Sink

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(A customer custom-orders a large amount — over $1000 worth — of solid brass hardware for kitchen cupboards from one of our vendor’s catalogues. A week later, she returns it and custom-orders another large amount of kitchen hardware. This, too, she returns a week later. She tries to place a third custom order.)

Me: “I should let you know in advance, ma’am, that we are no longer allowed to return special orders placed from here on out.” *I point to the policy which is on the counter*

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our vendors will not accept returns on opened items.” *I gesture to a box with her two previous returns in it* “We are stuck with merchandise that’s difficult to move, and it’s a major financial burden on a store our size. Why don’t we order one pull for you to see and decide if you like it?”

Customer: “I won’t know if I like the look until I’ve had them all installed in my kitchen for a few days! This is unbelievable! This is why small businesses are going out of business. No customer service!”

(At this point, she hurls one of the cabinet knobs at me, knocking down a display.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, we are only going out of business because we deal with unreasonable expectations from customers. You have five seconds to get out of the shop before I call police.”

Enough To Lose One’s Shirt

, , , | Right | December 14, 2017

(I work in a well-known motorcycle dealership. We get a lot of phone calls from people looking for something specific. I get this particular type of call at least once a week.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Dealership]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a shirt and was wondering if you had it?”

Me: “Sure, do you have a part number?”

Customer: “Well, no.”

Me: “That’s okay; can you give me a quick description?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s black and has the [famous logo] on it somewhere.”

Me: “Uh… Well, that sounds like about 90% of our inventory.”

Customer: “Oh, that wasn’t very helpful was it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “It’s all right. I’ll just come in and look; I’m right down the road.”

Me: *internal screaming* “Sounds great. We look forward to seeing you.”

Not Everyone Wants To Go Back To Vinyl

, , , , | Right | December 14, 2017

(Our large store is only staffed sparingly, usually only two people on at one time. If one goes on a break the other is left alone. I am at the counter serving with several people lined up patiently waiting when a customer comes to the beginning of the line.)

Me: “Do you have a question?’

Customer: “No, I want someone to cut some vinyl for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you will need to join the line.” *I keep on ringing up sales*

Customer: “Join the line? I just want some vinyl cut.”

Me: “Yes, I know. I will need to serve the people on the line before I can serve you.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I don’t want to be served; I just need vinyl cut.”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t leave here; I am the only one serving. You will need to join the line and wait your turn.”

Customer: “I’ll just wait at the vinyl, then.”

Me: “No, I really need you to wait here on line. Although, if you have other shopping, you can get that first before getting on the line for me to serve you.”

Customer: “I don’t need anything else. I just want vinyl cut. Why do I have to wait here on line?”

Me: “Because I can not leave a line of customers who have been waiting for much longer than you, and if you don’t wait here there’s a chance I’ll forget you are over there seeing as I am so busy right now.”

(He goes and stands metres away from the line, pacing back and forth, shooting me dirty looks. A few moments later my colleague comes off lunch.)

Me: “[Coworker], will you please cut vinyl for that man?”

(I apologise to each of the customers as I serve them.)

Customer #2: “Oh, my God! The sort of thing you have to put up with! I would have told him to eff off.”

Me: “Yes, I think I need a break now.”

Customer #3: “Well, you deserve it. Is there any booze out there?”

Money Talks But It Doesn’t Read

, , | Working | December 13, 2017

(This happens back in the ‘80s. Our $1 note has been replaced with a coin, followed four years later by the $2 note being replaced as well. The $2 coin is much smaller than the $1 coin, which is unusual as our coins usually go up in size with each increase. I use a $10 note to buy something worth $6.)

Salesperson: “We have new $2 coins.”

Me: “Really? I’ve been waiting to see what they are like.”

Salesperson: *hands me two coins back* “There you go. $4 change.”

Me: *looking at the coins, wondering why the $2 coins are the same size as the $1 when I know they are supposed to be smaller* “Hold on, you’ve just given me the wrong change. You still owe me $2”

Salesperson: “No, that’s right. Those are the new $2 coins.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Salesperson: “How do you know? You said you had never seen them before.”

Me: “The fact that these say $1 on them.”

Salesperson: “Are you sure?”

Me: *holding them up* “Yes, I am sure.”

Salesperson: “I don’t know. I think you might be wrong but I’ll check.” *opens cash drawer* “No, those are the larger coin which means they are worth more.”

Me: “No, the $2 are the smaller coin.”

Salesperson: “Now I’m confused. If you want two of the smaller ones that’s ok, but I still don’t think you are right.” *we exchange the coins*

Me: *holding up the $2 coin* “See? It says $2 right there.”

Salesperson: “Oh, is that how you can tell which is which?”

Taking Advantage Of Some Crappy Sales

, , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(A semi-regular customer I’ve helped a few times in the past comes up to my register with only a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Well, I was going to ask how your day was going, but now I feel like I don’t want to know.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s been pretty s***** — pun intended — for sure.”

Me: “I feel like I should let you know that the plumbing gloves happen to be on sale this week! The ones that go up past your elbow, you know?”

Customer: *pauses, thinking* “I’ll be right back.”

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