The Lizard Part Of Your Brain Says “No”

, , , , | Right | April 23, 2018

(I work in an electrical shop in northern England. I’m helping a pair of ladies get some things together to buy on finance. One is middle-aged; the other is in her mid-twenties. They’re both pleasant, polite people. The older customer asks if I’m local. I get asked this because my accent is not very strong.)

Me: “Yes, I’m from [Area I’m From]. I know I don’t sound local.”

Older Customer: “You went to a private school?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Which one?”

Me: “[School].”

Customer: “Oh, I know that one! I’m a teacher. A friend of mine sent his son there. He’s an Arab. His name is Ahmed.”

Me: “I can’t say I know him. It was a big school; I was there a long time ago.”

Customer: “So, is this just a temporary job for you?”

Me: “No, I’m permanent, but I’m not planning to stay forever.”

Customer: “What would you like to do?”

Me: “I’d like to be a writer.”

Customer: “Oh, lovely! Hey, what do you think about attacking Syria?”

(The UK Parliament has just voted to start bombing Syria. This seems like an odd turn in the conversation, but she’s a nice lady, if a bit odd, so I humour her. We talk for a few minutes about what’s happening in the Middle East, but I try to bring the talk back to work, when she says:)

Customer: “You know what? You should read David Icke! He predicted the war was going to happen thirty years ago.”

(The younger customer shuffles in her seat a little.)

Me: *confused* “Um, isn’t he the guy who says the world is being secretly controlled by lizards?”

Customer: “Oh, no, they’re Reptilians. From outer space. Isn’t that right?”

Younger Customer: “Reptilians.”

Me: *thinking that this is getting weird* “Um… Okay. I don’t really follow conspiracy theories.”

Customer: “It’s not a theory. I try to tell this to the kids when I’m teaching them. I’m trying to open their minds and make them think, instead of just believing what they’re told. But then the parents complain.”

Me: *trying very hard not to just say, “No s***!”* “Your total comes to—”

Customer: “Hey, add me on Facebook; I’ll tell you all about it. My name is [Customer].”

Me: “I’m going to go get someone who can put the finance application through.”

(I got up and asked one of the trainee members of staff to finish the application. It was good training for them, but I’m a bit worried my colleague ended up getting her thetans counted or something.)

That’s A Good Line

, , , , | Working | April 23, 2018

(It’s a very slow Thursday at the store where I work. I am alone at the service desk, one of the other girls is on a break, and the third girl is putting away returned stock. It’s so slow that I’m surfing NAR discreetly. A woman walks up with her credit card bill in her hand.)

Customer: *looking around* “Can you help me here?”

Me: *joking* “I’m sorry, ma’am. You’ll have to wait in line.”

(I wait a beat, and then continue, as there is definitely no line.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can help you here.”

Customer: *also joking* “Oh, good, that wait was ridiculous. You need more help here!”

Me: “I know, ma’am, but labor and budgets, and blah blah blah.”

(I’ve finished her transaction, so I hand her the receipt and wish her a good day.)

Customer: “You, too. I hope it slows down a bit!”

(I cracked up and she laughed her way out the door.)

Cluttered Up With Ironies

, , , | Right | April 22, 2018

(This takes place at store that is part of a building that houses different programs to better your life. A customer has grabbed a cookie and come up to the counter with her husband to purchase it.)

Customer: “One cookie, please.”

Me: “That will be $1.65.”

Customer: “One second, the money is in my bag.”

(The customer begins to dig through her bag. She digs… and digs… and digs. She pulls out a banana and hands it to her husband.)

Customer: “That creates some more room.”

(She digs… and digs… She then moves off the counter and onto the floor, and continues to dig. After about ten minutes of digging…)

Customer: “There’s the ten dollars; here you go.”

Husband: “Good thing you’re in the de-cluttering program.”

The Couponator 5: Online Decline

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2018

(A woman comes up to my register to pay for her items.)

Me: “Hi, is that all for you today?”

Customer: “Yes. I have a $5 coupon on my phone; I just need to pull it up.”

Me: “Okay, great, no problem.”

(I see her struggle to load the page; after a few moments she shows me a blank screen.)

Customer: “It’s not loading, but it’s right here.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Since that’s just a blank page and there’s no barcode or sku number, there’s no way I can actually put the coupon into the system.”

Customer: “There has to be a way you can honour it! Can I speak to a manager?”

Me: “She’s not in right now; it’s just me. But even if she was, there’s no way our system will let us use the coupon since we can’t actually see it.”

(I spend a few more minutes trying to help her get the page to load. After a moment, I realize she’s connected to a Wi-Fi hotspot several blocks away.)

Me: “Do you have LTE?”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “Do you have mobile Internet on your smartphone? If you do, you’ll be able to connect to the Internet, as we don’t have Wi-Fi here.”

Customer: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “Okay, then, I’m sorry. It’s not possible for me to take your coupon today.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! What good is a coupon if I can’t even use it?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time be sure to print the coupon, or take a screenshot next time you are connected to the Internet.”

Customer: “This isn’t fair! You should be able to honour it!”

Me: “It’s not our fault that you don’t have Internet, ma’am. I’m sorry that you feel inconvenienced.”

(I ring up her purchase.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day.”

Customer: *mumbles incoherently, snatches her bag, and storms off*

Related:
The Couponator 4: Deadly Discounts
The Couponator 3: Rise Of The Coupons

This Sale Is Doomed

, , , | Right | April 20, 2018

(I have been working at this shop for the last two and a half years. We are a cleaning and home shop with seasonal products. This certain shop is well known in the Netherlands, and was in the news a couple months ago because things weren’t going so well. Ever since that fateful week, we have had interesting conversations with people who suddenly feel the need to voice their opinions on what we should sell. Don’t get me wrong; it’s nice to hear them being involved, but at the same time, I just sell the things in the franchise shop of my boss. We aren’t even the office that takes care of it.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss. I need a tousle with a telescope pole. You know, those extra-long poles that can turn around.”

Me: “We don’t have those particular tousles with a telescope pole, but we do have this tousle.” *points at the longest tousle we have* “This pole can become around 2.5 meters. That’s plenty to reach a high ceiling.”

Customer: “WELL, I NEED ONE WITH A TELESCOPE POLE!”

Me: *caught off guard by her sudden hostility* “We don’t sell those here. I am sorry, miss. We could look at our Internet shop together; maybe we can order it there.”

Customer: “This shop is going nowhere! How do you think you guys will survive if you don’t even have basic things here?!”

Me: “Before we do anything, we can check our Internet shop on the computer here; it only takes a minute. We might have something this niche on there.”

(In two years, it’s the first time someone has wanted this, so she obviously doesn’t know what she is talking about.)

Customer: *suddenly a lot more quiet* “Oh, dear, it’s not your fault; it’s this shop that is doomed.”

(I’m starting to lose my patience because she is insulting this store. No one has once complained about this shop before the news items, so she is just being a sheep going along with the flock.)

Me: *while faking the most friendly smile I ever have and maintaining eye-contact* “We can look at our Internet shop.”

(She gave up, knowing I wasn’t going to comment on her rude remarks. We spent two minutes on the computer before finding out that the only way she would be getting what she wanted was by buying different pieces, which meant it would be more pricey. She left, saying loudly that she had to go to a competitor’s store. I wished her a nice day, and then flipped her off behind her back without anyone being able to see.)

 

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