Customer: “Can you help me? I’m looking for a shampoo that doesn’t have any chemicals.”

Me: “Do you mean organic shampoo?”

Customer: “No, I’ve been looking at those and they all contain chemicals.”

Me: “Ma’am, all shampoos will contain chemicals. Is there a specific chemical you’re trying to avoid?”

Customer: “All of them. I’m no longer allowing any chemicals to come into contact with my body.”

Me: “Ma’am, pretty much everything is a chemical.”

Customer: “You’re just saying that to try to sell me your store-branded stuff! I don’t want any chemicals! None!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only way I could give you anything that’s chemical-free is if I could sell you a bottle of vacuum, but the bottles are plastic, which are… well, chemicals, so I’m kinda stumped.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t sell what you’re looking for.”

Customer: *Huffs.* “No one seems to! There really seems to be a gap in the market for this!”

A customer is trying to tap their credit card to pay. He’s an older fella, and the cashier is a young woman.

Cashier: “Sir, it’s asking you to insert your card and enter your PIN.”

Customer: “And I told you I don’t want to do that. Are you having trouble understanding my English?”

Cashier: “I… understand it just fine, sir. I don’t have any control over which transactions can be paid with a tap and which need a PIN inserted. That’s decided by your bank.”

Customer: “I don’t want to type in my PIN in a public space! It’s not secure!”

Cashier: “Sir, it’s more secure than simply tapping your card.”

Customer: “Shut up! I will not be told how to spend my money by a little immigrant girl.”

I’m about to step in and tell this guy to shut the f*** up, but a manager appears before I make more than a couple of steps.

Manager: “Mate! Just insert the card or use another one. Being a racist pr**k isn’t going to make the card go through.”

Customer: “It’s not racist to expect some basic English comprehension and some decent customer service, not to mention that this girl here doesn’t even know how to operate her machine! Did you know immigrants have taken all the jobs?! Did you?!”

The manager puts his finger up to his lips and does the ‘shhh’ noise, while also holding the same finger from his other hand up to the customer’s face, doubling the shushing. Then he says calmly:

Manager: “Did you know if you put your top lip and your bottom lip together, you’d shut the f*** up?”

He did shut the f*** up, as he abandoned his shopping and walked out!

Many years ago, a friend of mine used to work as a civilian research scientist at a local Naval base. One day, they had a new machine delivered and needed to fit an electrical plug to it. So, he went down to the store to get one. The following conversation took place between my friend and the store assistant:

Friend: “I need a mains plug, please.”

Store Assistant: “Sorry, but we haven’t any left.”

Friend: *Looking past the assistant at the shelves behind.* “But there’s one there on the shelf.”

Store Assistant: “Yes, but you can’t have it.”

Friend: “Why not?

Store Assistant: “Because it’s the last one, and somebody might want it.”

Friend: “…?”

He gave up, went off base, and bought one at a local hardware store.

When I worked for one of the major retail stores in the computer section (this is early 2000s), I sold a brand new computer to this lady (she declined buying any anti-virus off the shelf, part of my normal protocol to ask). She called the next day and said I gave her a computer with viruses, so she needs a new one.

I tried to explain to her as simply as I could that it’s most likely the activities she was doing, but she was not having it. So… she sent her husband after me.

The husband comes into the store later that day. I try as nicely and as carefully as I can to explain to him how brand new computers work, and how viruses come into the computer due to the possibilities of his wife or him downloading something/clicking on the wrong things on the internet.

Me: “Sir, the same thing will happen again with another computer, depending on what you’re doing to bring in the virus. I suggest trying to clean up the computer with anti-virus/malware scans.”

Customer’s Husband: “Give me one.”

Me: “We sell them as separate software here.”

He used that as a big “aha!” moment.

Customer’s Husband: “You guys pre-loaded viruses on our computers, so we have to spend more money!”

I started to care less and less, and told him there’s decent free anti-virus software/malware scanners you can get as well, and named a few.

Customer’s Husband: *Insisting angrily.* “No! You sold us a defective model pre-loaded with viruses! Give us a new one!”

Eventually, my manager had to come out and tell him:

Manager: “The viruses came from the websites you’ve been visiting, and for your computer to get this badly infected less than twenty-four hours after buying it, I can only imagine what sites they might be. Now either buy some anti-virus software or use the free versions my associate has suggested. If you bring it in for a refund, we will do that for you, but we can refuse a sale if you want to buy a new one without taking adequate precautions.”

Customer’s Husband: “This is all a scam! Computers will always be scams!”

He stormed out without buying anything.

They were both back at the weekend, buying the cheapest anti-virus software we sold.

I was working as a cashier and went to hand the customer his receipt. He waves down my receipt-holding hand and says:

Customer: “Keep it, less waste in the world.”

Me: “It’s already printed, sir.”

Customer: *Suddenly angry.* “Well make a f****** paper airplane with it, then!” *Storms off.*

I made a little Concorde! I wrote ‘F*** You Airlines’ on the side of it.