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The Art Of Showing Off

, , , , , , | Legal | September 16, 2021

One day, after picking up a few friends in my car, we happened to drive past an art gallery that had a display about art’s role in advertising and marketing. One of my friends works in that area, so he was pointing out some interesting parts of the display through my window to the other passengers as I was parked next to it waiting for the lights to change.

Just as the light turned green, a police officer started knocking very aggressively on my passenger side window. I rolled the window down and asked the officer what was happening. He pointed aggressively at my friend.

Officer: “You! Out of the car right now!”

As you can imagine, we were all very confused. As my friend got out of the car, the vehicles behind me were all beeping their horns because I was blocking traffic, but the officer closed the door as soon as my friend got out and wouldn’t let anyone else in the car follow. I asked him what he wanted us to do.

Officer: “I don’t care. Get lost.”

We had missed the light, so we had to wait for the next green light, at which point I parked in the first space I could find so that the cop couldn’t get me on a traffic offence. This took five minutes, and we were just about to get out of the car and go find my friend when he came walking along.

Friend: “Hey! Where did you go?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, [Friend]. The cop made us leave. We were just coming back for you. What happened?”

Friend: “Oh, you’re not going to believe this. He thought I had stuck my finger up at him. I told him that he was mistaken — I was pointing at the art exhibit — but he wouldn’t believe me. He asked me if I could prove my story and I was like, ‘No, you made my friends leave!’ I think he was trying to show off for his partner, because he asked his partner if he had seen anything and he just looked really uncomfortable and said no. That’s why he let me leave.”

Unfortunately, he didn’t get the officer’s badge number and decided to let it go instead of filing a complaint.

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Can’t Tell If This Is A Laptop Flop Or An Email Fail

, , , , , , | Right | September 16, 2021

I’ve just finished paying for my items at a convenience store, so I step to the side to organize my things for a moment. It’s during the global health crisis, so I make sure I am more than six feet away from the people still at the checkout.

The next customer after me is an extremely elderly woman with a few items in a cart, and I happen to overhear her conversation with the cashier.

Elderly Woman: “My caregiver bought me these items, but they’re not the right kind so I need to return them.”

Cashier: “Okay, ma’am, we just need the receipt or proof of purchase.” 

Elderly Woman: “Well, that’s the problem. I don’t have it, but she said she emailed it to me.”

Out of nowhere, the woman suddenly produces an entire laptop computer from somewhere inside her coat! She sets it on the counter, while the cashier looks completely bewildered.

Elderly Woman: “Can you help me access my email here in the store? That way I can get your receipt.”

Cashier: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t think that’s going to work…”

I’d never seen someone just pull out a laptop at the checkout before! From the look on the cashier’s face, she hadn’t, either. Gotta give the elderly woman points for creativity!

I felt a bit bad for her and considered helping her by making a Wi-Fi hotspot with my phone, but I figured it would not be a simple fix, as there are always complications when it comes to helping elderly folks with technology — forgotten passwords, outdated software, etc. Plus, I didn’t want to get within six feet of her or touch her laptop, in order to protect both her health and mine. I left feeling slightly guilty but also wondering why her caregiver didn’t just go to the store for her instead!

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EVERYTHING?!

, , , | Working | September 14, 2021

I go through the drive-thru of a popular burger chain just after the dinner rush. I’ve had minor issues with popular items being unavailable here before, but nothing too bad… until now. I pull up to the speaker.

Employee: “Hi there! We unfortunately cannot sell you any food as we ran out of everything.”

Me: “Everything?!”

Employee: *Sighs* “Yes, aside from burger toppings, we are sold out of everything.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be easier for y’all to close?”

Employee: “It sure would be.”

I ended up going to their competitor across the street. The next day, a friend mentioned going by and the same place being out of food but still being open. Apparently, their shipments never came in.

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This Lesson Really Blows

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2021

I have submitted a few stories about my father-in-law, including this one. This story is really about a gentleman that worked for my father-in-law.

Like many construction jobs, the one where this took place needed someone who was a demolitions expert in order to blow up some huge boulders that were in the way of a planned road and bridge. My father-in-law had a friend who served with him in Vietnam who was one of the best. He knew how to set the explosives to blow up the boulders in the safest way possible and the exact amount needed to do it on the first try.  

My father-in-law walked into the explosives shed to let his buddy know the site was cleared and ready for him to put out the C4 — an explosive that has the consistency of Play-Doh. On the desk was what looked like clay formed in the shape of animals like bears, cats, and dogs.  

Father-In-Law: “Ummm, [Friend], why have you molded the explosives in the shapes of animals?”

Friend: *In monotone* “It helps me deal.”

My father-in-law backed out of the shed and never went back in for the rest of the job. He never said anything else because the guy was great at what he did and had a perfect safety record. But every time something was blown up, my father-in-law couldn’t help but laugh a bit.

Related:
This Lesson Really Bites
This Lesson Really Stings, Part 3
This Lesson Really Stings, Part 2
This Lesson Really Stings

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And A Slight Sprinkling Of Homosexuality

, , , | Right | September 14, 2021

I’m working as a waitress. Our restaurant has a small booth table which only seats two people, so it usually contains couples on a date.

I am serving two girls sitting at this table, and they each order a small bowl of ice cream.

On a whim, I ask:

Me: “Would you like sprinkles on your ice creams?”

[Girl #1]’s eyes light up and she enthusiastically answers.

Girl #1: “Yes!”

We all laugh a little, before [Girl #2] suddenly exclaims:

Girl #2: “We’re not lesbians, though!”

“Sprinkles = lesbians” turned into a long-running inside joke with my coworker, after we spent the rest of the night wondering what prompted her to clarify their sexualities.

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