I’m going through the Taco Bell drive-through and handed them my American Express Hilton Honors card to pay. Basically, the more I use it, the more hotel points I get.

Employee: *Sincerely.* “Are you the owner of Hilton Hotels?”

Me: *Taken aback.* “No.”

Employee: “Are you in the family?”

Naïve me is thinking she knew what kind of card it was referring to the ‘Hilton honors family’, and that maybe she was a member too.

Me: “Yeah.”

Employee: “Woooow! REALLY? Is Paris, like, your sister?!”

So that’s how my local Taco Bell now thinks that I am an heir to the Hilton family.

I work at a Costco.

Customer: “I need to return this cat tree.”

Me: “What’s the reason for the return?”

Customer: “My cat’s a fat-a**.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “He can’t get to the top.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Do you sell cat exercise equipment?”

Me: “We sell laser pointers?”

Customer: “Nah, he’s fat because he’s smart. He’s figured those out and doesn’t chase them anymore. You got any, like, cat treadmills or anything?”

Me: “No, sorry. We do sell smaller cat trees than this model?”

Customer: “Well, I guess we’ll start with that. Let me know if you get any like, cat kettle bells in or anything…”

Coworker: *Out of nowhere, to the entire office, but directly at no one.* “Do you think cats think in meows?”

Manager: “They’re called shower thoughts for a reason, Brian…”

Our store sells home gyms and exercise equipment. A customer wanders over to me, red and sweaty.

Customer: “I came here to buy a treadmill, but none of them are working!”

Me: “That’s odd, I was doing a demonstration with one just this morning.”

I walk over to the treadmills with her and turn one on.

Customer: “Oh, wait… it… moved on its own?”

Me: “Uh… yes? You set the speed and elevation on these controls here.”

It was then I realised that she just stepped on all the treadmills without powering them on and was just… forcing that sucker to move through sheer force.

Customer: “I need a refill on my pills.”

Me: “You got a ten-day supply of your benzonatate two days ago. You can’t get a refill yet.”

Customer: *Deep sigh.* “It doesn’t work anyway. I put them in my bath for two days, and I’m still coughing.”

Me: “You took them while in the bath?”

Customer: “Duh! I’m not gonna put them in the water and not have a bath, am I?”

Me: “Ma’am, this is medication you take orally. They’re not bath beads.”

Customer: “Huh. No wonder I still have that cough.”