Lost Their Way, And All Sense Of Normalcy, Too

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2018

(It’s a very busy evening in our small hotel restaurant in a rather rural area. An older woman, who appears slightly confused, walks in and comes up to me.)

Me: “Good evening. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Well, I was visiting friends in [Town about 25km away], you see, and I was on my way home when I must have lost my way. I don’t know where I am. I must have taken a wrong turn, and now I don’t know how to get back. Could you help me get home?”

Me: *already dreading that this will take a while* “Okay, so, now you are in [Town]. Where did you want to go to?”

Customer: “I live in [Place I have never heard of] and I know how to get there from [Town her friends live in], but now that I am here, I don’t know where to go. Can you help me?”

(I am thinking, “Well, you clearly don’t know how to get home from there, because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here right now, would you?”)

Me: “I could give you directions to get back where you came from; it’s quite easy to get there, and you will find your way back. Unfortunately, I am unfamiliar with your actual destination, so I can’t tell you how to get there.”

Customer: “Yes, please. Once I am back there, I know how to get home to [Place I have never heard of].”

(I give her the super simple directions; basically, go down the road that the restaurant is on in that direction, and then at the first junction go right, then take the first road on your left which already has signs for the place you want to return to, so just follow them. It’s really not that hard!. She still seems unsure, so I repeat the directions, adding more info like, “You pass by the train station that’s on the right,” and, “On the left and right, there will be loads of trees; just drive straight on through the forest,” thinking that maybe landmarks and such might be helpful for her. She still seems unsure, repeating her, “I know how to get home from [Town her friends live in],” spiel again. After I try rephrasing these very, very simple directions once more:)

Customer: “I am not sure. I am afraid I will get lost again. You know the way, so could you come with me in the car back to [Town her friends live in], and from there, I will be able to get home.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “No, I can’t just leave. I work here, we are pretty busy tonight, and I am in the middle of a shift.”

Customer: “Are you sure? You just have to come with me to [Town where her friends live]; from there on, I’ll manage to get home!”

Me: “Absolutely. I can’t leave. I can’t do more than give you directions, or I can let you use our phone to call a friend who can come here and drive in front of you, leading you back to the place you came from. Or, I can book you into one of our rooms so you can stay the night and drive back in daylight. That’s all I can offer you.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, then, I’ll try to find my way back. Hopefully I don’t get lost. It would have been great if you were able to ride with me. Thanks, anyway.”

(She walked out, leaving me still puzzled that she thought someone wearing an apron and a holster with a large purse around her hips, coming out of the kitchen, holding an empty tray, would have time to just leave a crowded restaurant because surely, I looked like someone with just too much free time on her hands! And anyway, which young woman doesn’t just jump at the opportunity to leave a well-lit place filled with people to get into the car of a total stranger and drive through a rather rural area at night? Surely, that has never been the beginning of something dreadful that ends with a horrible newspaper headline!)

A Good Friend Helps You Bury A Body; A Great Friend Digs Them Up

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2018

(I’m talking to a colleague about a house that my parents looked at, but didn’t get. It’s just past a graveyard and is suspected of having pauper’s graves on the land.)

Me: “My parents would’ve liked to extend the place, but they’d be denied planning permission because of the high chance of digging up an unmarked grave.”

Colleague: “A friend of mine has the correct authority to exhume and move a grave; I could’ve asked him for a favour.”

Me: “I doubt he’d do 100 as a favour.”

Colleague: “Oh…”

(I told this story to my dad, who told me that the estimated body count on that land had gone up tenfold since I first heard it.)

Taken Aback By Going Back To You

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2018

(I am at the tills and a customer approaches me with an item she wants to bring back. She also has a basket full of shopping.)

Me: “Okay, I have returned your item, so that’ll be £16.99 going back to you. Would you like me to put your shopping through the same transaction?”

Customer: “Yes, please!”

(I scan her shopping through.)

Customer: “And is that at zero now?”

Me: “No, there’s still £5.96 going back to you.”

Customer: “Okay. Let me go and find something else.”

(She leaves the till — bear in mind there is a queue building — and rushes to grab something from an aisle. A minute or so later she returns with a few items. I scan them through.)

Me: “That’s still £2.56 going back to you.”

Customer: “Really? I’ll find something else I might need.”

(Again she rushes off. She takes a little longer this time, and comes back with things from the very back of the shop.)

Customer: “Okay. What is it now?”

Me: “It’s 10p going back to you.”

Customer: “Ugh. What is there around here for 10p?”

Me: *with a deadpan expression* “Two carrier bags?”

(She actually bought the carrier bags so she didn’t have any money to go back to her. I have absolutely no idea why it was so important for the balance to level out at £0.00. Luckily I had patient customers who were as baffled and amused as I was!)

The Family That Eats Together Orders Separately

, , , , | Related | September 21, 2018

(I get off work at night, and want to pick up something quick for dinner. I put an order in online at a restaurant chain that closes in a half-hour, and I’m on my way over to the restaurant when I get a text from my sister.)

Sister: “Do you want me to pick up your to-go order?”

(I have not told my sister about my takeout plans, nor have I shared my rewards account info with her.)

Me: “Huh?”

Sister: “Your to-go order from [Restaurant].”

Me: “How do you know?”

(Then, I get a call from my sister.)

Sister: “I was waiting for my to-go order and I saw [My First Initial, Our Last Name] pop up on the screen.”

Me: “Didn’t you think it was yours, just misspelled?”

Sister: “Or maybe it was [Cousin]’s order.”

(We have a very unusual last name, but yes, somehow my sister and I had the same idea that night of going to the same restaurant within a few minutes. I was only a couple blocks away when we spoke so I picked up my own food. Sure enough, I saw her at home with the same restaurant’s bag.)

Getting Her Panties In A Twist

, , , | Right | September 21, 2018

(I have quite a few people from other countries come into my store. It is pretty common for us to attempt to communicate with charades. I am working the service desk, and a woman comes up to me.)

Customer: “I need strippas.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “STRIPPAS! I need strippas for my panties!”

(I am staring at her as though she is insane.)

Me: “I don’t believe we sell strippers here…”

(She then takes a bag and demonstrates what panties are by holding it against herself.)

Customer: “Strippas for elastic. My elastic no good. Need strippas.”

(I figured she was talking about elastic coming out of her panties. So, I pointed her toward the fabric counter. A few minutes later she ran out of the store, screaming, “TOO MUCH!”)

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