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Not-So-Smooth(ie) Sailing

, , | Right | December 4, 2021

I work at a smoothie store, and I get an online order. He orders it with no juice, no ice cream, no ice, no fruit, and a bunch of protein powder. It’s literally just a cup with protein powder in it. When he comes in to pick it up:

Me: “What do you want me to do with this? What can I make you?”

Customer: “I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I just wanted to see what you would do.”

Did Anyone Get That Tantrum On Tape?

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: frozen_barbie_head | December 3, 2021

I have a few friends that work on a television show, and this woman I know said that she would do anything to get into the audience of said show. My mate rang me and offered me tickets to said show and I jumped at the chance to go.

Me: “There will be two others besides me. Will that be an issue?”

Friend: “Nope, no issue. Can’t wait to see you.”

[Woman] was given two weeks’ notice of this and kept telling me that she couldn’t wait as this happened to be one of her favourite shows.

The day of the taping arrived and we were doing the compulsory [health crisis] check-ins. [Woman] proceeded to go ballistic.

Woman: “Why do I have to check in? This is all bulls***! Why do I have to do this?!”

Me: “You’d do this anywhere else. It’s just precautionary.”

We finally got past that section, with security giving us “Calm down” looks.

Next, we had to be checked to make sure that we had no weapons. [Woman] erupted again, as loud as she possibly could.

Woman: “F****** h***, this is bulls***!”

Finally, we got closer to the studio. We were asked politely for our ID as they were serving alcohol, and [Woman] was asked to leave her bag in a secure locker as it was a hazard in case of a fire, etc.; you don’t want to be tripping over bags and such.

This was the last straw for her. She began screaming at the poor girl.

Woman: “This is completely f***ed! It’s a massive inconvenience and you’ve ruined my day!”

She then stormed off back into the lift and went home.

This, folks, was the last step before entering the studio. Sadly, my mate rang me later to tell me that [Woman] has now been issued with a lifetime ban and is unable to attend any studio tapings of any show at the network.

This Is Why Mental Health Awareness Is A Thing Now

, , , , , | Related | December 3, 2021

This was during the 1980s when “mental health” was generally reserved for people proclaiming to be Jesus Christ or walking around mumbling to themselves and neglecting their hygiene.

My mom was known for being paranoid in the sense that she constantly thought everyone around her was up to no good. She once seriously accused my dad of raping a woman when an irate customer scratched him in the face after being refused a refund, and she once accused my nine-year-old sister of being involved in a bank robbery and hiding the money somewhere in the woods after a petite teenaged girl robbed a local bank down the street from us.

This one, I just couldn’t pass up sharing. One day, my mom bursts into my room.

Mom: “Give it to me.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “MY PURSE!”

Me: “Mom, I have a job at [Fast Food Restaurant] and I deliver papers on the weekends. I don’t need your little $30 or however much Dad gave you to pick up some cigarettes.”

We get to arguing, and she insists I stole her purse. I tell my Dad about it, and he simply says:

Dad: “You gotta learn to ignore her. That woman has drunk enough booze over her lifetime to float a ship, and she won’t seek help because she thinks she’s just fine. As soon as you both are old enough to move out, I’m filing for divorce.”

The next day, I’m at school, and the principal’s voice booms over the intercom.

Principal: “[My Name], please report to the office.”

I go over there to find my mom standing outside the office. She takes me outside.

Mom: “GIVE ME MY PURSE!”

Me: “I didn’t take your purse! Why would I steal money from you if I have my own job and have cash practically coming out of my ears?!”

Mom: “That’s not why you took it.”

Me: “Huh?

Mom: “You know exactly what I’m talking about. GIVE IT TO ME!”

She goes on with this charade for two more days before finally coming to me with said purse.

Mom: “I owe you an apology. I left it in [Friend]’s van.”

Me: “Okay, I accept your apology, but Mom, why would you think I’d steal money from you when I have my own job and a weekend paper route?”

Mom: *Pulling out her driver’s license* “See in the photo how I had my hair cropped really low? I remember how you kept saying how you couldn’t wait to move out and go to California. I thought you were going to take my license, put on makeup and a dress, buy a plane ticket to California, and rent an apartment under my name.”

I am silent for a moment.

Me: “You thought I was going to dress in drag… and try to buy a plane ticket as a seventeen-year-old who is a six-foot-two, 180-pound male using the license of someone that says the bearer should be a thirty-nine-year-old woman standing at five-foot-three and weighing 130 pounds?”

Mom: “Well… I’m just glad to know you wouldn’t do something like that. It says a lot about you.”

Me: “JESUS CHRIST, MOM!”

To this day, she hasn’t set foot in a psychiatrist’s office (or an AA meeting) because she genuinely is convinced she’s perfectly fine. And yes, my dad divorced her as soon as my sister moved out — on her eighteenth birthday, unsurprisingly.

There’s Always The “To Go” Option

, , , | Right | December 3, 2021

I am working at a fast-food restaurant, sweeping up behind the counter. A customer starts screaming at me.

Customer: “Stop sweeping! You’re getting dust particles in my food!”

Me: “???”

The Loneliest Tampons

, , , , , , | Working | December 2, 2021

Our little, independent, local supermarket has a shelf near the checkout for items marked down: things close to the use-by date, things with slightly damaged packages, weird things that clearly no one wants. (Most Australians remember the “Lamington-flavoured chips” debacle.)

There has been, on this shelf, for six months now, an opened packet of tampons with one missing. It’s only marked down to about 10% of its original price.

I know it hasn’t just been forgotten because I see them tend to the shelf often.

Seriously, how are they so cheap that they think they are actually going to sell an open packet of tampons and profit a tidy $2.50? What is their end goal here?

I have asked the teenage cashiers who work there a few times, because I just find it fascinating, and they just shake their heads and say, “I know, I know.”