Honor Among Thieves

, , , , , , | | Legal | July 23, 2019

UK licensing laws mean that virtually everywhere sells alcohol. I work at a corner shop, but we are a franchise and are very strict about ID.

One day, I had a regular come in for some beer. He’d forgotten his ID, but he was the year above me at school so I knew he was of age. I told him not to worry about it and he got his beer with no problems.

Later that evening, I was walking home from work, down a dark alley, when I was pulled to the side and mugged.

A man in a black ski mask demanded that I hand over my phone and wallet. Shaking, I did as he asked.

Then, suddenly, he jerked back and said, “Hey! You’re the girl from the corner shop. You’re all right! You did me a solid earlier.”

It was the guy that had come in to buy beer! He handed back my wallet and phone and I ran away before he changed his mind.

Upset and shaking, I told my mother what had happened and who had tried to mug me. Being a small village, my mother soon told his mother.

I almost felt bad for the guy.

The Giraffes Are Taking Over The Elephants’ Turf

, , , , | | Working | July 23, 2019

(I notice an odd thing by the back door of our building and decide I’ll question it.)

Me: “Does anyone know why there’s a small giraffe statue facing the corner by the back door?”

Coworker: *smirking, clearly she knows* “We’re not talking about that!”

Me: “That’s elephants! We don’t talk about elephants in the room!”

Coworker: “Oh, right.”

(Turns out she was selling the statue to an acquaintance and they’d agreed that the person would show up and [Coworker] would sneak out the back door for the deal. Yes, I made the appropriate joke about it being a backdoor deal.)

That’s A Compliment In Anyone’s Book

, , , , , | | Right | July 23, 2019

(I work at a bookstore. A man comes in and asks me to recommend him a book. I ask the usual questions: what sort of thing does he like, what books has he liked in the past, and so on. With that information, I select a book, which he buys. A few days later, he comes back in.)

Customer: “That book was great! Couldn’t put it down! Can you write me another one?”

Me: “Can I recommend you another, you mean?”

Customer: “No, I mean are you going to write a sequel?”

Me: “Oh. I’m not a writer. The book was written by [Author]. I don’t think it has a sequel, but I can find you other books they’ve written if you like.”

Customer: “Oh. So… you didn’t write the books in the shop?”

Me: “I… No. I just sell them.”

Customer: “Oh. I always thought you guys wrote all the books in the shop!”

Me: “I wish. I’d be a lot richer if I did. We just sell them; we don’t write any of them.”

(The man look suddenly dejected and a little embarrassed, so I quickly add:)

Me: “I mean, it’s not uncommon for writers to work in bookshops. Some of my colleagues are writers, but as far as I know, none of their books are sold here. But somewhere there’s probably a writer who has their books in the shop they work in.”

(The man goes red, obviously embarrassed, so I decide to change the subject.)

Me: “Would you like me to recommend something else? [Author] has written quite a few books. If you liked that one, you’d probably really like these.”

(I led him over to a shelf and grabbed a few books, talking him through each one. I’m an avid reader and have read many of the books in the store, including the ones I am recommending. The man bought several books, apologised for what he said, and left. He’s been coming in every week for a while now to find a new book. Sometimes he apologises again for thinking we wrote the books but I always tell him it’s not a problem and that actually, I’m flattered that anyone would think I could write such good books.)

Is Going To Ace That Test

, , , , , , | | Related | July 23, 2019

(My friend is asexual and has a pencil case that he treats like a son. My parents both know this, so while I’m doing some science revision…)

Dad: “Now, how does this reproduce?”

Me: “I can’t remember! Can you give me a hint?”

Dad: “Think about how [Friend] created [Pencil Case].”

Me: “It’s asexual reproduction, isn’t it?”

Holler At Your God

, , , , , | | Friendly | July 23, 2019

I live on a farm deep in a hollow or “holler” as the locals call it in Kentucky. My husband and I moved there after he retired from the military because of my husband’s post-traumatic stress disorder in hopes that being away from people would help him. We have put a number of signs on the fencing and gate to the property to let people know that a combat veteran lives here and that unannounced visitors are not welcome. Lately, we have been having problems with a certain religious group that has an organization called the Watchtower that likes to proselytize disregarding those signs and coming up to the house. 

In this incident, my husband is recovering from hernia surgery. The religious group has decided to disregard the signs and open a closed gate to the property. I have had enough at this point so I decide to have a little fun. 

My favorite movie franchise is “Police Academy” and my favorite character is Zed — played by Bobcat Goldthwaite — a former gang member who communicates through screaming. When I see the religious group coming up to the porch, I smear eyeliner all over my face and turn out all of the lights in the house to make the house really dark. My husband keeps a large flashlight by the door and I pick that up.

When I open the door for the religious group, I hold the flashlight under my face and start screaming incoherently. Apparently, I scared them because they immediately leave my porch and start babbling about Ozzy Osbourne as they leave the property! 

We haven’t had problems with them since. In this area, I have the right to answer the door with a gun, but doing this was way more fun! I don’t understand why they picked this holler to do their proselytizing because the houses are about 1000 feet apart and no one welcomes their brand of religious message.

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