Cat People (Putting Out Crazy Customers)

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(This occurs shortly after David Bowie’s passing. We are playing his music over the speakers. A woman comes in and heads straight for the checkout.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?” 

Customer: “Turn that music off.”

Me: “Oh, is it not to your liking?” 

Customer: “It upsets the cats.”

Me: *looking around* “Cats? We only allow guide dogs in the store. You’ll have to leave if you have cats with you.”

Customer: “They’re at home.”

Me: “They aren’t with you?” 

Customer: “No.” 

Me: “How can they hear the music if they aren’t here, then?”

Customer: *narrows her eyes* “If my cats are upset when I get home, I’m complaining!”

(With that, she left. An hour before closing we did get a call from her. The manager listened to her for half a minute before bursting out laughing saying he hadn’t heard that one before, and he hung up. We haven’t heard anything from her or her cats since.)

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The Chaos Chorus

, , , , , , , | Working | February 13, 2020

(I’m a volunteer at a museum. The volunteers and staff carry radios so we can coordinate. We have different channels for different groups so, for example, the tour guides can coordinate tours without bothering the rest of the staff. Our radios are also always simultaneously tuned to a second channel called “general,” which is only used for announcements. The museum is closed for today while we change exhibits. Notably, a site safety staff member is also testing out the PA loudspeakers.)

Site Safety: *on general* “Heads up, loud noise coming.”

Site Safety: *on PA* “THIS IS AN AUDIO TEST OF THE— GOOD LORD, THAT’S LOUD. HOW DO I LOWER THE VOLUME?”

Site Safety: *on general* “Sorry, folks… That’s a bit louder than expected. We’re gonna look into that.”

(A few minutes pass:)

Unknown #1: *on general* “Szz fn mph… fllf.”

Supervisor: “Ah, darn it, someone’s leaning on their transmit.”

(Someone’s accidentally transmitting on general without realizing it, usually caused by leaning up against a wall and hitting the PTT button.)

Supervisor: “Hot mic on general.”

Unknown #1: “Fzz whll… mm.”

Supervisor: “Hot mic on general!”

Unknown #1: “Hll?”

Unknown #2: “Hot! Mic! On! General!”

Unknown #1: “Snzzz whrr…”

Unknown #3: “HOT MIC ON G**D*** GENERAL.”

Supervisor: “Hey, keep it professional on the radios!”

Unknown #1: “Shvvv br.”

(Pretty soon, a chorus of voices pop up, all calling in, “Hot mic on general.” Then, suddenly:)

Site Safety: *on PA* “HOT MIC ON GEN– OH, S***, WRONG BUTTON, THAT’S THE PA. SORRY, FOLKS.”

(Long pause:)

Unknown #3: “Uh… hot mic on g**d*** PA.”

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Do Not Anger That Woman In Particular

, , , , , | Right | February 13, 2020

(I am one of few girls who work at my depot, and sometimes my male coworkers like to tease me. It’s all in good fun, and I give as good as I get. On this particular day, I am the only girl working.)

Customer: “You go, girl! Stand up to those bullying guys!”

Me: “Oh, you bet. It’s hard being the only girl sometimes, y’know?” *obviously joking*

Customer: “You know what you should do?”

Me: “What, sir?”

Customer: “You should get them really drunk, wait until they fall asleep…” *dramatic pause*

Me: “…and?”

Customer: “Nail their foreskins to the floor!”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “Trust me; it’ll work!”

Me: “Ha… hahaha.”

Customer: “Nah, I’m just joking with you… or am I?” *leaves*

(A few minutes later, my coworker comes up to me and asks why I look so horrified. I tell him what happened, and he responds with:)

Coworker: “So, would that make them floorskins?”

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At Least It’s Just Himself He’s Biting, Right?

, , , , , | Learning | February 13, 2020

(I teach third grade and have just gotten a new student. The class is in the library when he arrives and after introductions, he and I are standing on the opposite side of the library from the rest of class. He is painfully shy and nervous, so he doesn’t want to approach the class yet. I am trying to make him feel better.) 

Me: “It’s okay, honey. They don’t bite.” *smiles*

Student: *looking at the class* “But that kid is biting…”

(I look over to see that one of my students is in fact, biting himself on the arm. I am speechless for a moment trying to think of something to say, and I come up with this.)

Me: “Yeah, he does that sometimes. We just ignore it.”

(The poor child was afraid to approach the class for another 30 minutes, during which time we returned to our classroom. I put him in a group with my nicest and most relaxed students. He has now gotten over his nervousness and has made friends… none of whom bite themselves or anyone else.)

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Drop A Letter, Drop The Service

, , , , , | Working | February 12, 2020

(This story takes place in the dark ages of dial-up before the modern ISPs take hold. My family has service via a local company.)

Tech: “Hello, thank you for calling [ISP]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, our dial-up isn’t able to connect to anything. It’s been out for about a week now.”

Tech: “I’m sorry to hear that. Let me walk you through a few things to fix that.”

(What follows is about an hour of fiddling with the dial-up settings. In between these sessions, I have to hang up, test the dial-up, and then call the technician again to tell them it still isn’t working.)

Tech: “I honestly don’t know what to say; we’ve gone over everything. Why don’t you give me your password, and I can try it on my end and see if it’s a problem with the account, instead?”

Me: “All right, it’s [nine-letter foreign word]. Let me spell it out.”

Tech: *after I’m done* “Oh, I see what your problem is!”

Me: “You do?!”

Tech: “Yep, your password is too long!”

Me: “What? But… we’ve been using that password since we got your service.”

Tech: “Yeah, but we recently updated our system so we can only accept eight-letter passwords. Just drop the last letter off your password and you’re back online!”

(And she was right. I thanked her sincerely since she’d been very helpful and patient throughout this nonsensical adventure. About a year later, the ISP shut down. They informed their customers of this with an email which was sent out AFTER they’d shut down the service.)

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