Seriously, Get A Room!

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 27, 2020

A few years ago, I lived in an apartment where I had to go outside to throw my trash away. On one occasion, I was on my phone so I wasn’t really paying attention. It was a hot day. I thought I heard some muffled noises but I thought it was just my imagination.

I threw my big heavy bag into the dumpster and then heard a voice cry out. It was coming from inside the dumpster, which was full.

I peeked in, thinking it might be a homeless guy or maybe a baby, but then I saw a wild-eyed teen girl and a teen guy staring at me. They were maybe fourteen or so, and they were naked. They tried to hide, giggling, but I’d already seen them. Mystified, I turned around and walked home, shaking my head.

It was a rough neighborhood, but not that rough, and I know teen hormones are rampant, but I’d never have sex in the dumpster with trash around me. Call me a prude.

I hope it was because they had nowhere else and not because they liked the smell of hot garbage, but still!

I saw them kissing and hugging the next day. They saw me, too, frowned, and then turned red and sauntered away.

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Trying To Lord It Over You From The Drive-Thru

, , , , , | Right | May 27, 2020

I live in one of few states not under full quarantine yet. Many restaurants are closed except for drive-thru, including ours. A coworker of mine is taking orders through drive-thru.

Customer: “Do you read the Bible, [Coworker]?

Coworker: “No, I’m not religious.”

The customer starts ranting.

Customer: “This disease is a punishment from God! Repent while you still have time!”

She simply took his order and then he went to the next window asking the same question, again ranting when given the same answer. A few minutes later, the same customer went through the drive-thru again, this time blowing a trumpet. We still don’t know what the deal was but everyone was talking about “trumpet guy” by the end of the day.

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They Always Come Out At Night

, , , , | Right | May 26, 2020

It’s about two in the morning, and I’m in the only open human checkout lane at the local twenty-four-hour grocery store. At this time of day, you sometimes meet interesting people. A woman suddenly comes up to the man behind me, laughing hysterically.

Woman: “You ever meet someone who’s high on life?”

The man does not respond.

Woman: “I’ve never done drugs. I just had a couple of cocktails, but I ain’t even a heroin addict, and I’m still having fun!”

Man: “Well, that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

The woman walks away, still laughing hysterically. A couple of minutes later, she comes back and approaches the same man.

Woman: “You’re still standing here?!”

The customer in front of me and I both have very full carts.

Woman: “I finished all my shopping.”

She shouts at the cashier like she thinks she won’t be heard otherwise.

Woman: “Can I use the self-checkout?!”

Cashier: “Um, yes.”

The woman takes her groceries to the self-checkout.

Woman: “I’m gonna stop laughing, because everyone keeps looking at me like I’m a maniac. I’m just here to buy a gift for… for a friend? That’s all I’m here for. That’s all I’m here for!”

She is suddenly angry.

Woman: “Now, I know the owner, and [Name], so don’t f*** with me!”

No one is “f***ing with her.” They are all ignoring her, in fact.

Woman: “I used to work here when I was in high school! BUT I GUESS NO ONE CARES! HUH?!”

You are absolutely right, lady. No one cares.

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How Powerful Was That Vacuum?

, , , , | Right | May 26, 2020

A woman returned two miniskirts in a vacuum bag — like the kind that goes on a vacuum! The only way to open it was with scissors. She did have the receipt and the clothes were in mint condition. She didn’t speak a word of her choice of bag throughout the transaction. 

How did she get them in there?

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Somewhere, Jesus Is Face-Palming

, , , , , , , | Right | May 23, 2020

I am a customer at a local supermarket. While my items are being rung up, I realize I have forgotten to get lip balm. I notify the cashier and step away from the line to get some from another aisle. When I return with the lip balm, I hand it to the cashier, who rings it up and gives me my total.

However, in the time I was out of the line, the daughter of the female customer behind me had stepped in front of the area where the credit card scanner was. I say to the little girl, who is maybe seven or eight years old, “Excuse me,” and then step in front of the card scanner. As I step in front of the scanner, I brush against the little girl ever so slightly.

Customer: “What do you think you’re doing, pushing my little girl like that?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to pay my bill.”

Customer: “You could at least say, ‘Excuse me.’”

Me: “I did say, ‘Excuse me.’ You must not have heard it.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t! You know, it’s because of people like you that little girls are messed up today!”

Me: “No, little girls are messed up today because of bad parenting.”

Customer: *Scowling angrily* “I denounce you, in the name of Jesus, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done…”

Me: “Why are you using the name of Jesus like that? You’re clearly following the way of Satan.”

The customer closes her eyes and begins clapping her hands while rocking from side to side.

Customer: “In the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus…”

By this time, close to twenty people had stopped what they were doing to observe the situation. My items were rung up and I had paid my bill, so I invited her to my church and got out of there!

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