Since This Story Was Written, Disney Bought Everything  

, , , , , , | Right | October 19, 2019

(I am a manager, working near an employee checking bags at a movie theater. They approach an elderly female guest.)

Employee: “Hello, ma’am, we have a bag check policy here; I do need to check your bag.”

Guest: “Are you Disney certified?”

Employee: “I’m sorry… What?”

Guest: “This is Florida. You need to be certified by Disney to check bags. Can I talk to your manager?”

Me: “I’m right here, ma’am. You don’t need to be certified by Disney to do anything. We need to check your bag.”

Guest: “Not until you prove you’re Disney certified. It’s required.”

Me: “Where are you from?”

Guest: “Jersey.”

Me: “Well, here in Florida, Disney doesn’t own everything yet. So, until then, we need to check your bag or it can’t come in.”

(Hidden in her bag: raisinets, snow caps, four bottles of water, one bottle of Sprite, a bag of hot fries, and peach gummies.)

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Will Not Spill The Tea On What’s Bothering Her

, , , | Right | October 18, 2019

(We are selling teas, and customers are able to try anything that they want. We also have some flavours readied for customer tasting at the front. We are visited by a lady customer; I end my break and she is browsing when I come out to the shop floor. My colleague has tried to serve her.)

Me: “Did she want any tea?”

Colleague: “Nope. She said she just wants to browse.”

(Some other customers walk in and I notice that she is looking for a particularly long time at one of our teas. I approach her.)

Me: “Do you want to try anything that interests you?”

Customer: “Actually, I’m interested in this one. Do you have a bigger size?”

Me: “Yes. We have it here.” *pointed to the shelf* “Would you like to try that? We have it in front, actually.”

(I proceed to the front, pour the tea for her, and she drinks half of it and puts the cup down.)

Customer: “Hmm… I don’t really like that. It tastes like water.”

(She goes back to the shelf and smells the same tea. I think maybe she doesn’t like the taste, since it will have differences between the smell and the finished brewed tea.)

Me: “May I ask what kind of flavour you like?”

Customer: “I prefer stronger ones.”

Me: “Oh, you can try this Japanese one if you like. It has a stronger taste.”

Customer: *visibly annoyed* “I prefer fruity.”

Me: “Oh, I see.” *browsing through green tea section to find fruity ones with strong green tea* “Unfortunately, the other fruity green tea will be either weaker or the same…”

Customer: “You are not helping me. You just try to smell and drink that. You tell me what kind of taste is that!

(I am stunned, so I’m left there wondering why she is angry.)

Customer: “You are not going to help me standing like that, so smell this and taste the one you just gave me. Okay?!”

(I go and pour the tea from the same pot I gave her and return back to her with the tea. I have no problem with the usual taste.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but the taste is supposed to be like this…”

Customer: “NO. IT’S NOT. YOU TELL ME THAT’S HOW IT TASTES? SMELL IT!”

Me: “Well, there will be a slight difference when you brew and when you smell…”

Customer: “NO, THERE’S NOT!” *proceeds to browse another shelf*

Me: “If you don’t like it, I could brew you another flavour that you might like…”

Customer: “NO. YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME, SO CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!”

(I informed my colleague briefly what happened and that it seems I made her angry. The customer eventually buys an infuser and leaves.)

Colleague: “I don’t even dare to ask her for our membership.”

Me: “Why?” 

Colleague: “I’m afraid that I might offend her again.”

Me: “I think she is triggered because I gave her that tea.”

Colleague: “Because she doesn’t like the taste?”

(We will never know why she seemed to be so angry about the tea.)

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It’s Nuts To Go Without Coconuts

, , , | Right | October 17, 2019

(I work at a bakery that’s famous for its coconut cream pie. We sell the pie four different ways: full-sized, baby, slices, and little individual bites. It’s nearing the end of the day and it’s getting slow, so my coworker has gone upstairs to do restock and I’m left puttering around behind the counter, doing various little pieces of side-work. A very well-dressed woman in her fifties or sixties comes in and I greet her.)

Customer: “I heard you’re famous for your coconut cream pie!”

Me: “Yep! It’s the favorite, for sure. We sell it at all the locations in [Company].”

Customer: “I have a question about it.”

(It’s tourist season, and has been for about a month, and it’s not unusual for non-locals to want to know about the pie. I figure it will be one of the standard questions, like what makes it a TRIPLE coconut cream pie, etc.) 

Me: “Ask away!”

Customer: “What does coconut taste like?”

Me: *pause* “What?”

(I think she is joking at first, but eventually, I realize she isn’t. Because I have no idea how to even begin to explain the flavor of coconut, I start asking her if she’s ever eaten anything with coconut in it — Almond Joys, macaroons, Sno-Balls, doughnuts with coconut flakes — but she apparently has not.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m really not sure how to explain the flavor. But I can go and ask the pastry kitchen if they have any coconut flakes lying around so you can try them?”

Customer: “No, thanks! I’ll just get the pie bite.”

(I gave her the bite and rung her up, and she happily left. I still have no idea if she somehow managed to go through her entire life without eating coconut or if she was making a joke in the most deadpan way possible. It’s definitely one of the most bemusing customer experiences I’ve had to date. Honestly, it’s a small miracle that I didn’t just laugh in her face when she asked the question.)

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Enough To Make You Want To Real Cry

, , , , , | Working | October 17, 2019

(A new colleague has just joined our company. For a 36-year-old, she is really weird and incredibly infantile; she does things like sticking out her tongue at us when she loses an argument, jumping out at the other staff, and once sneaking up on me and tickling me. For lunch, there’s a canteen nearby, and we usually call beforehand to place orders. They will pack it for us but we have to collect it in person. We take turns to collect the food for everyone. It happens to be my turn, and the newbie tags along to help me carry all the packets. [Newbie] almost goes up to grab a random food packet, thinking it’s hers. I tell her it’s still not ready. She sees the cook add some spring onions to the packet in front of her, and panics.)

Newbie: “I don’t want spring onions in mine!” 

Me: “Oh, let me tell the cook.”

Cook: “Sorry, it’s already packed.”

([Newbie] stops dead in the middle of the packed canteen and starts FAKE CRYING at the top of her voice. There’s no actual tears, just a loud, deafening wailing like a baby.)

Newbie: *wailing* “AH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH, I don’t want spring onions! I don’t want spring onions!”

(Her hands were on my shoulders and EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the immediate vicinity turned to gape at us. She had an enormous grin on her face, like she thought she was funny. It was clear she was not actually upset by the onions, just doing it for laughs. The cook gave us a weird look and pushed the packet to us to get rid of us quickly. I nearly died of embarrassment as she wailed all the way out of the canteen. A few weeks later, she started a petty fight with our supervisor, because the supervisor called her “Miss” and she deemed it insulting. She threatened to call the police for it, and the manager got tired of her squabbling and fired her for poor attitude.)

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No, Mr. Customer, I Expect You To Buy!

, , , | Right | October 16, 2019

(I work for a large energy company helping with inbound problems and questions. On occasion, we send our customers free energy-saving measures. On this occasion, we have just sent out two free energy-efficient light bulbs.)

Me: “Morning. You’re through to [My Name]; how can I help?”

Customer: “I need to complain!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. If I could take your name and address we will see what we can do.”

Customer: “You don’t need my information; you just need to know that I’m onto you!”

Me: “Well, I may not be able to help without knowing who you are, but can I ask what you are onto?”

Customer: “Your master plan with these stupid things that just arrived in the post!”

Me: “Okay, are you referring to the low-energy light bulbs? What seems to be the problem? Are they not working?”

Customer: “I’m sure they do work but I won’t use them! You see, I have worked out your scheme to screw over us poor customers!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I’m confused. What do you mean? They use less energy so they should really help you.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that s***. I know you won’t admit it to me and I bet you can’t believe just a lowly, simple customer has uncovered your plan, but I have!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I’m lost. Can you explain exactly what you think is going on, please?” *at this point I’m very intrigued*

Customer: “Fine! You send these so-called low-energy bulbs that produce less heat; this means my house is colder and I have to put the heating on more so I actually use more energy. You’re screwing us over. It’s a conspiracy and I won’t fall for it!”

Me: “…” *note sure what to say*

Customer: “I take that silence as you being shocked that one of your stupid customers has the intelligence to figure out your plot!”

Me: “No, sir, that was me just taking in your imaginative conspiracy theory.”

(The phone went dead. Later that same day, a customer tried to accuse me of attempted murder due to the light bulbs containing mercury. We stopped sending them out soon after!)

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