Medical Work Can Make You A Little Nutty

, , , | Healthy | March 8, 2021

I’m at my orthopedist’s office to treat an inflammatory injury to my hand. They assess the damage and decide to give me an anti-inflammatory injection to treat it. I do extremely poorly with shots and realize at the last second that I’ve forgotten to eat breakfast, which makes it worse. Shortly after the injection, I have one coherent moment where I look at my nurse and tell her I think I’m going to puke before I go mostly incoherent and nearly black out.

When I’m feeling a little more lucid, I notice there’s a different nurse than my original nurse, who I find out got freaked out when she realized I might faint and got another nurse to take care of me.

Nurse #2: “Yeah, she was freaking out. Halfway through, she says, ‘Her lips are blue! They’re blue! They’re blue!’ I had to tell her, ‘Yeah, she’s passing out. They’re gonna do that. She’ll be okay.'”

Me: “Ha, I don’t even remember that… Um, am I able to get some water?”

[Nurse #2] calls out the door to [Nurse #1].

Nurse #2: “Can you get her some ice chips, please?”

After a few minutes, the original nurse comes back in and starts to hand me a cup of ice, but she yanks it back from me at the last second. 

Nurse #1: “Wait! Are you allergic to peanuts?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Nurse #1: “Oh, good. That’s the last thing we need! I went to get the ice as quick as I could but I realized none of it was crushed so I grabbed a jar of peanuts to crush it with but I broke the jar and got some peanuts on the ice.”

Me: “Oh… thanks.”

[Nurse #2] and I stare at her as she leaves the room and I turn to look at my ice, which isn’t crushed and is in giant pieces. I feebly scoop out a giant ice cube with my hand since she didn’t bring me a spoon. [Nurse #2] looks exhausted as she sighs.

Nurse #2: “Let me find you a spoon.”

Me: “Thanks. Oh! There’re— She wasn’t kidding. There are peanuts in this ice.”

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Brace For Impact!

, , , , | Healthy | March 6, 2021

I got braces a week ago. It’s a rather boring day, so my friends and I decide to goof off on the trampoline. While doing a flip, I fall and faceplant, and my braces get caught in the mesh.

We’re all laughing like idiots until it becomes apparent that I cannot free myself. One of my friends runs and grabs a pair of wire cutters and uses it to remove the wire from my braces, freeing me. In the process, a few brackets pop off, but it’s far better than having to call emergency services for help.

A few days later, I’m at the orthodontist, getting the wire and brackets put back on.

Orthodontist: “Good lord, what did you eat?”

Me: “Uh, actually, I got my face caught in a trampoline.”

Orthodontist: “What?”

Me: “Yeah. My friend was doing flips and I tried to copy them and landed on my face. And, uh, we had to get me free somehow.”

Orthodontist: *Laughing* “That’s a new one.”

There was no permanent damage and my braces ended up working out perfectly. But I wonder if anyone else has ever had that happen. I can’t be the only mega klutz that’s had to be freed from a trampoline.

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Sometimes It’s Safer To Have A Cow

, , , , | Learning | March 4, 2021

It’s an ordinary day. I am reading a book to my fourth-grade class when the principal comes on the intercom.

Principal: “Teachers and faculty, this is a code blue. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.”

Heart pounding, I do everything I am supposed to. I check for people in the hallway, turn out the lights, lock the door, urge my class into a hidden corner of the room, and tell them to be quiet.

An hour passes, and my kids start getting antsy.

Student: “Mr. [My Name], what’s going on?”

Me: “I don’t know. And be quiet.”

A few more minutes pass, and the principal comes on the intercom again and says the danger has passed. I do all the usual procedures and find my boss in the hallway. He’s laughing. I also spot a police officer who is also laughing.

Me: “What happened? My kids were scared!”

Principal: “It was a cow!”

Me: “You’re kidding.”

Police Officer: “No, he’s not. Somebody forgot to close the main doors, and she managed to get in and make herself at home! We’ve contacted animal control and are currently asking all the local farmers if she’s theirs.”

Laughing, I went back to my classroom, calmed down my kids, and told them that everything was okay. And that’s how a cow caused mass panic in an elementary school and caused us to lock down for over an hour.

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In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You, Part 2

, , , , | Right | March 2, 2021

My best friend and I are at the mall, intending to buy a recently released console accessory. We chat a bit as we line up at the desk. A tall clerk waves us over and greets us with a moderate Slavic accent.

Me: “Hey, do you have any of those new [accessories]?”

Cashier: “We do. Do you want just the one?”

Me: “Yes, thanks! Man, I was worried there’d be none left!”

He rummages around in the cupboard behind the registers but can’t find any.

Cashier: “Don’t worry. We have more in the back.”

Me: “Not a problem at all; take your time.”

He leaves, and I turn to see my friend staring bug-eyed at me.

Me: “What?”

Friend: “Bro, what the h***?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “Were you… were you not doing that on purpose?”

Me: *Confused* “Doing what?”

Friend: *Incredulous* “[My Name], you copied his accent. Really, really badly.”

The interaction plays out again in my head and I realise that I did exactly that! The mounting horror must show on my face, because my friend start to crack up.

Friend: “Why did you do that? How didn’t you notice?!”

Me: “I don’t know!”

The cashier comes back with the gadget. I pay and mumble a quick thanks before scrambling out of the store.

Me: “Oh, my God! I even greeted him normally, so he must have known! Did he not notice, or does he get that so much he just puts up with it? Oh, man, I was a total a**hole! [Friend], you’re not allowed to tell anyone!”

Sorry, cashier buddy!

Related:
In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

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“Senior Center” Is Definitely Code For “Cult”

, , , , | Working | March 1, 2021

I am the author of this story about my aunt demanding that my husband’s parents join the senior center. About three months later, my aunt comes up with this little gem.

Aunt: “Did you know that the director of our senior center is trying to get a law passed in Delaware that makes all seniors in the state have to join a senior center? That way, [Husband]’s parents have to join the senior center or they have to pay a fine! Our director always prays that every senior finds a senior center just like ours before we eat lunch.”

My aunt gets a look on her face like she is remembering something very pleasant.

Aunt: “Every senior finds a senior center just like ours: yes, she prays that. If the law goes through, her prayer is going to be answered!”

I am skeptical about this at first, so I decide to call the senior center myself and speak to the director.

Me: “Hello, I am [Aunt]’s niece. She says that you want to pass a law that forces all seniors to join a senior center. Is this true?”

Director: “Yes, it is! We are having funding issues at our senior center due to a lack of new people coming to the senior center. The state pays us based on the number of members that we have. We would receive more funding if all seniors were required to join the senior center. I am also trying to get the law passed so we can help seniors. Most of them can’t care for themselves and they need help that the senior center can provide.”

Me: “Don’t you think that it is unconstitutional to force everyone over the age of sixty-five to join a senior center? [Aunt] literally demanded that my husband’s parents join your senior center at my wedding! Do you realize that some seniors don’t want to go to a senior center?”

Director: “But your husband’s parents need the senior center! Most seniors are unable to do basics for themselves such as cooking, grocery shopping, and attending religious services. We provide a nutritious hot meal every day, we take them on bus trips to [Major Retailer,] and we have a preacher who comes to the center every day for services!”

Me: “My husband’s parents are Jewish and are members of a conservative Jewish temple in Wilmington. Why would they want to attend a Christian service every day? They also exclusively eat organic food so they wouldn’t want to eat at the senior center, and they refuse to shop at [Major Retailer] because they don’t like the quality of the food there.”

Director: “But the senior center is a great way to socialize!”

Me: “My husband’s parents both have social anxiety and they don’t want to be around people that they don’t know. They have a daily routine that is set in stone and they follow that routine to the letter every day. There isn’t room to spend time sitting around a senior center!”

Director: “But our senior center is losing funding because new people don’t want to join! If people keep leaving the senior center, we might have to close it! We need a law that forces all seniors to join a senior center to keep the senior centers open!”

Me: “Don’t you think that it is unethical to force people to join a social group if they don’t want to?”

Director: “But seniors need help! They don’t realize that they can’t care for themselves! We need them to join to keep them safe and healthy and to keep our senior center open!”

I hung up after that and I called the state division on aging to complain about the loony senior center director. The guy at the division on aging had heard about the director’s antics before and he said that they had been dealing with complaints about her for years in regards to her overzealous promotion of the senior center. When I talked to my aunt a few weeks later, she was VERY upset that her beloved director had been fired!

Related:
Is “Senior Center” Code For “Cult”?

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