Punning Across And Down

, , , , , , , | Related | October 23, 2017

Sister: “We’re writing acrostics in English class.”

Dad: “I get acrostic when I don’t get a nap.”

Me: “When you get acrostic do you tell people to take a haiku?”

Dad: “No, but I will now!”

Sister: “I hate both of you.”

Today The Dog, Tomorrow The World!

, , , , , | Related | October 23, 2017

(My grandmother has gotten a new kitten, Nelly, and my grandfather has gotten a new dog, Bear, after their previous dog and cat both passed away from old age. At first all we hear are horror stories about how Bear, who is incredibly playful, won’t stop chasing Nelly, trying to get her to play with him. A couple months later, we are over for a visit when Bear walks into the room. Nelly spots him, climbs to the top of her tower, and then jumps on his back and rides him out of the room.)

Me: “Did Nelly just ride Bear out of the room like a trained circus pony?”

Grandmother: “Yep. They decided they like each other now. Either that, or Nelly is training Bear as a battle mount for the day when she inevitably takes over the world.”

They Need A Course Correction

, , , , , , , | Related | October 23, 2017

(My little sister is just about at that age where she is learning about sex and starting to ask questions about it. One day my dad and I are watching a show with her when, out of the blue, this happens.)

Sister: “[My Name], what do they call it when a boy puts his thingy inside the girl’s thingy?”

Me: *sputters, looking for an answer*

Dad: “Intercourse!”

Sister: “Oh, I get it! Because it goes in, of course!”

Who Spayed Roger Rabbit?

, , , , | Related | October 22, 2017

(My parents have a rabbit named Roger. When they went away for a month’s holiday, they left him with my sister who put him in with her rabbits. A few days after they get back, they notice Roger acting oddly; not long after. they find that he’s now got a litter of kits. Mum is showing them to me.)

Mum: “He goes to your sister’s a perfectly happy Roger, and she sends him back as Rog-ette.”

Dying To Get It Done

, , , , , , , | Related | October 21, 2017

(My family has always had a morbid sense of humor. It’s our thing. We’ve also known from a young age that our mother wants to be cremated. My step-dad isn’t as morbid as we are, and after a shopping trip our mom sits down next to us.)

Mom: “So, you know that I want to be cremated right?”

(My sisters and I nod, having known this for more than ten years.)

Mom: “Well, I don’t want to be carried around. I want you to either dump me somewhere or put me in a wall.”

Me: “So, not what we did to [Dog who was cremated].”

Mom: “Yeah, that wasn’t the best decision. Anyway, I read an article about how you can turn the ash into stone.”

Me: *who had seen an article about something similar* “Then we stick it in a sword!”

Mom: “Yeah… No. You stick it in a necklace. That way, each of you can carry me around.”

Me: “I’m totally down for that.”

Sister #1: “That’d be so weird; like, imagine you had your boyfriend who wanted to meet your parents.”

Me: *holding up fake necklace* “You’ve already met my mom! She approves!”

(My mom and sisters start to crack up.)

Sister #2: “Imagine if it was a mood necklace.”

Me: *grinning devilishly* “Here, hold this.” *hands over fake necklace* “Oh, see that color there. That brown means that my mom doesn’t approve. If the color was pink she would approve.”

(We all have a good laugh.)

Mom: “See, [Step-Dad] thought you guys wouldn’t like it.”

Sister #1: “[Mom], you know we’re morbid. Of course we like it.”

Sister #2: “So, who’s paying to have it done?”

Mom: “Can’t you wait until I’m dead?!”

Page 1/1,58812345...Last
Next »