When Push Comes To Shove…

, , , , , | Related | August 5, 2020

I am a thirty-year-old man and my sister, her son, and I are visiting our parents’ house. My nephew is seven years old and loves me but he also tends to see me more of a playmate than as an authority figure.

I am talking with my mother and sister and my nephew keeps swatting my side and trying to shove me repeatedly. I tell him to stop between sentences as I talk to the other adults; however, he persists.

Finally, I’m getting fed up, so I lightly shove him back. It’s not a hard shove, but he does have to step backward and regain his balance.

Me: “How do you like it?”

My mother and sister are giving me “WTF” looks.

Me: “What? He started it.”

My mother and sister laugh incredulously.

Mom: “How old are you?!”

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Dad… Dy… Read… With… Me…

, , , , | Related | August 4, 2020

I am reading a book I recently bought. My dad is watching the news. He looks over at me.

Dad: “What are you reading?”

Me: “[Book]. It’s basically about a war between chimeras and angels.”

Dad: “What are chimeras?”

Me: “Basically a creature or being that is made up of different animal parts. For example, one of the characters in this book has the horns of a ram, the eyes of a crocodile, the face and body of a man, the legs of a goat, and the claws of a bird.”

Dad: “Sounds demonic. Is it that witchcraft stuff you’re so into?”

Me: “This is fiction.”

Dad: “Still sounds weird.”

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Wait… So, Who All Is Coming?

, , , | Related | August 4, 2020

My aunt tends to repeat an idea multiple times, even if she heard and understood it clearly. At this family gathering, only my younger sister and I are in attendance. The other three members of my family did not come. This conversation ensues.

Aunt: “Is your mother coming?”

Me: “No, she had to do [event].”

Aunt: “Huh? Your mother’s not coming?”

Me: “No, she won’t be coming.”

Aunt: “Then your dad?”

Me: “No, he went with my mother to [event].”

Aunt: “Oh, he’s not coming, either?”

Me: “No, he’s accompanying my mother.”

Aunt: “Then how about [Older Sister]?”

Me: “No, she had to do something for school.”

Aunt: “Oh, [Older Sister] is also not coming?”

Me: “No, she won’t be able to make it.”

Aunt: “So, your mum, your dad, and [Older Sister] are all not coming?”

Me: “No, they won’t be coming.”

Aunt: “Huh, they’re all not coming?”

Me: “No, they’re all not coming.”

Aunt: “So, it’s only you and [Younger Sister] here today?”

Me: “Yes, it’s only me and [Younger Sister].”

Aunt: “Only the two of you?”

Me: “Yes, only us.”

Aunt: “Only the two of you, and the rest of your family aren’t coming?”

Me: *Facepalm*

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Sounds Like He Needs To Review Matthew 6

, , , , | Related | August 3, 2020

My wife and I have been invited to an informal family reunion with some of her relatives from another state, cousins, etc. At lunchtime, we all decide to go to a family-oriented restaurant, knowing that the out-of-state aunt and uncle are very religious, and this restaurant has a very nice reputation. When our food comes, I expect that a blessing will be asked or, as is sometimes done in a public place, each will ask his or her own blessing silently.

Suddenly, the uncle stands up and addresses the entire restaurant.

Uncle: “All right, everybody, stop what you’re doing and be quiet; we’re going to pray.”

There is a mixed reaction among the other guests; some sit quietly, some ignore the uncle, and a few chuckle.

Uncle: “D*** it, shut the h*** up! We’re going to pray now. Everybody hold hands and bow your heads.”

This is followed by about a five-minute prayer stating his beliefs, the destination of all those who don’t believe just like he does, and various ramblings.

Uncle: “…in Jesus’ name, amen. Now let me hear you all say, ‘AMEN!’”

Again, mixed responses.

The server and the manager came over and asked him to please sit down and not make a scene, which did not sit well with him.

My wife and I just wanted to crawl in a hole. It’s not that we are not religious, and not that we don’t ask a private blessing on the food, but I have never seen such a display in my life! We couldn’t wait to eat and get out of there.

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You Still Wood Not Understand

, , , , , | Related | August 3, 2020

I’m the author of this story, among other submitted shenanigans between my father and me, just to give some context to our relationship. I’ve recently purchased a house; my father and I are in the great room working on remodeling while my roommate is in the back bedroom painting.

Dad and I are passionately discussing various topics and, since we are not in public, the volume controls are off. We’re not yelling at each other, but we are definitely yelling to each other, despite standing side-by-side. I hear my roommate enter and, when he doesn’t move or speak for a few moments, turn to address him.

Me: “Hey, what’s up? Need help?”

Roommate: “No. It sounded like you two were fighting, so I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I can’t tell whether you guys are ever actually angry at each other or not.”

Me: “Nope! No fighting! I appreciate your concern, though.”

Roommate: “Well, that’s good.”

Matter resolved, I turn back to what I was doing, and my dad and I immediately pick back up as if there had been no pause. However, I realize after a minute that my roommate is still standing there, so I turn again.

Me: “Everything okay? We can quiet down a bit if we’re being too distracting?”

Roommate: “Oh, no! Now that I know you’re not arguing, I was just enjoying the entertainment. I’ll get back to it, then!”

Dad: *Laughing* “We’re way cheaper than television!”

Related:
You Wood Not Understand

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