Toddlers Need To Fulfill Their Destiny

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(My toddler is sitting on the couch next to my husband and is playing with his large Spider-Man and Venom action figures by hitting them together. My husband gets his attention and he stops.)

Husband: “Don’t do that, son, or you’ll break them.”

(Our son suddenly drops Spider-Man on the couch next to him and starts cuddling Venom.)

Son: “Aww, baby! Mwah, mwah!” *kisses Venom’s head then cuddles him more*

Husband: *picks up Spider-Man and holds him out to our son* “What about him? Is he your baby, too?”

(Our son looks at Spider-Man, then at Venom, before snatching Spider-Man from my husband and throwing him on the floor. He then goes back to cuddling Venom and calling him “baby.”)

Husband: *laughs and shakes his head* “He prefers the villain, just like Mommy.”

Me: *cackles* “Good, good. The dark side always needs more people.”

Not Painting A Pretty Picture

, , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(I’m digging through the little-used corner cupboard in the kitchen. My mother comes in and watches for a moment, baffled.)

Mum: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A plastic cup.”

Mum: “Why not just use one of the glass ones? The cupboard’s full of them.”

Me: “I want something that’s obviously enough not a drinking glass that no one will come along when I’m not paying attention and take a swig of my paint water.”

Mum: “Ah.”

This Joke Has Gone To Pot

, , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(Our cousin has a job that causes him to move to new areas quite often. His latest contract is in an area close to my brother’s home, which is currently unoccupied, due to my brother’s health, so he moves in.)

Mother: “So, you know [Cousin] has moved into [Brother]’s home? Well, he’s growing drugs.”

Me: “What?”  

Mother: “He’s growing pot.”

Brother: “Oh, for God’s sake, he’s growing pot plants.”

Mother: “Yes, pot plants.”

Brother: “He’s growing plants in pots: herbs and vegetables.”

Mother: *with air quotes* “’Herbs.’”

(She was only joking, but in the worst possible taste; [Cousin]’s older brother died due to an overdose. A joke like this getting back to his parents would devastate them. She couldn’t understand why neither of us found it to be funny.)

Grandma Certainly Doesn’t Have A Frog In Her Throat

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(I stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks each year just after school gets out, so that I can relax away from my brothers and spend time with them. On this particular day, I’m half-asleep in my grandpa’s insanely comfortable armchair while my grandma is watering her houseplants, when suddenly there is blood-curdling scream, and my grandma runs from kitchen.)

Me: “Grandma! What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself? What happened?”

Grandma: *points towards one particular potted plant, talking incoherently*

(I walked over to the plant, not sure what I was going to find, while my grandpa tried to calm her down. On the counter by the plant, I found a small toad, about the size of a fifty-cent piece. It had jumped out of the pot, scaring my grandma. My grandpa brought in a tiny minnow net to scoop it up and put it outside. After that, I was the one who had to water the houseplants.)

Absorbing Some Common Sense

, , , , , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(My cousins are visiting us for the weekend, and we are about to head out for my youngest brother’s soccer game. My dad, brothers, uncle, and female cousin have already left, leaving my mom, aunt, my male cousin, who is ten at the time, and me. I am thirteen. My cousin gets a bloody nose, and it’s a pretty bad one, with blood running down his face. I take him to the bathroom and get him cleaned up, then notice I’ve used the last of the toilet paper to do so, and there are no tissues or paper towels in sight.)

Me: “How are we supposed to stop the bleeding?!”

Cousin: “You’re the one who’s supposed to know this stuff! Think of something!”

(I suddenly remember a tip my English teacher — an avid outdoorsman, and a little weird — told us. I go into the lower cabinet and grab one of my mom’s tampons. My cousin doesn’t know what it is, so I just unwrap it and stick the cotton part up his nose. It quite effectively stops the bleeding, and we go into the kitchen where my mom and aunt are.)

Mom: “[My Name], what the heck is up [Cousin]’s nose?!”

Me: “A tampon. His nose started bleeding!”

(My aunt is laughing too hard to respond at this point.)

Mom: “Why did you put a tampon up his nose?”

Me: “His nose was bleeding, and in the movie we just watched in English, a girl pretending to be a guy sticks a tampon up her nose for her fake nosebleeds, and Mr. [Teacher] says it’s really effective!”

Mom: *face-palms* “While I’m sure it might be, it’s not something he can have up his nose in public!”

Cousin: “Wait, what is it supposed to be for?”

Mom: *freezes*

Aunt: *falls over laughing*

Me: “It goes in a woman’s lady parts when she gets her period. It’s made to absorb blood!”

Cousin: “So… it’s doing its job?”

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