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Funny stories about family

The Paparazzi Are Everywhere

, , , , , , , | Related | May 19, 2025

I used to do a bit of community theatre in my small town. My nephew was hanging out with nothing to do all summer, so I got him involved volunteering backstage and doing odd jobs around the theatre.

We were in the drive-thru getting burgers one night after a performance of a musical I was in, and he was good-naturedly giving me the business, talking about how I have a big head.

Nephew: “You just think you’re like a local celebrity or something just because you do plays and stuff.”

I pulled up to the pickup window.

Takeout Worker: “Here’s your food. Wait, are you in [Play] they’re doing at [Theater]? I saw that last weekend. You were so good in it!”

Me: “Thank you so much. It’s embarrassing to be recognized!”

I grabbed the food, turned my head to my nephew, and just smiled as I pulled out of the drive-thru.

Mom’s Feeling A Little Salty

, , , , | Related | May 18, 2025

My mom does not like spices in her food and rarely uses them in her cooking. Some of the bottles in her spice drawer are over ten years old. My siblings and I regularly joke with her that she considers regular black pepper “hot” and oregano an exotic flavor.

One day, she texts me about visiting for dinner.

Mom: “Do you have any Italian dressing? We’ll need a bit for the pasta salad.”

Me: “I do not. Wanna try making some? All you need is oil, vinegar, and spice— Oh… Wait…”

Mom: “Hey! I have spices! They’re even antiques!”

Me: “LOL. I’ll pick up a small bottle on my way in.”

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree… And It’s On Fire

, , , , , , , , | Related | May 17, 2025

Many years back, my brother and his wife bought property that had an aging apple orchard. The plan was to remove the trees and put in a vineyard. We all came down to help. 

On burning day, we each had a fire pile we were to keep tabs on. I was watching my pile, and a large branch, on fire, rolled down and away from the pile. I grabbed the end that wasn’t burning and went to throw it back on the pile. I guess I went in a little too close and singed my hair around my face. I didn’t notice at the time.

Lunchtime came, and my niece saw my hair.

Niece: “Oh! Aunty! Your hair!”

Everyone had a good laugh.

The next work day included some fir tree trimming. I ended up with a bunch of sap stuck in my hair. My brother looked at me and said:

Brother: “Well, that should burn right out!”

If Mom’s Not Careful, This Could Be Final(s)

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: KatKit52 | May 16, 2025

I worked at the front desk for a twenty-four-hour college library. This was a huge building — ten floors. According to my health app, it was about two miles to patrol every floor, not counting the stairs. We had a front desk separate from the checkout desk, and the phone number on our website connected to the phone at this desk.

One night, during finals season, we got a call from a woman asking if we knew where her daughter was. We did not. She then explained that she had been tracking her daughter’s phone. It hadn’t moved for the past six hours, and she was worried about her.

Me: “Well, if your daughter is a student, she’s probably studying. We have a cafe in the building as well, so she wouldn’t even have to leave the building to get food. Your daughter’s phone hasn’t moved likely because there’s no need for it to.”

Woman: “Yes, but she was supposed to text me back, and she hasn’t! You need to find her; she could be kidnapped! Call her on the PA system!”

I explained that we do not have a PA system like that. (Our PA can only do prerecorded messages.)

Woman: “Well then, just go look for her!”

This was a university library during finals week. I was not walking through ten floors and asking every study group if they knew a [Daughter] and telling her to call her mom. I am barely paid enough to do my regular patrols; I was not paid enough to do this one.

Me: “Ma’am, if you’re really worried, call the police.”

Woman: “I tried that, but they said she’s an adult!”

Me: “She’s an adult? Ma’am, how old is your daughter?”

Woman: “She’s twenty-two!”

I barely, barely managed to keep myself from saying something rude. Instead, I managed to get out something like:

Me: “Well, she’s in a library during finals week. You don’t have to worry. It’s normal for students to spend this long here. She’ll probably call you back soon.”

And I got her off the phone.

Unfortunately, this woman called back an hour later when I had been replaced by one of our student workers on the desk. This student worker was very nice, bless her, but ended up looking up the twenty-two-year-old’s information in the student directory to send her an email telling her to come to the front desk and call her mom back. Which she did. The poor girl looked humiliated.

I hope that the twenty-two-year-old realizes how much her mom crossed a line and was able to set boundaries with her. But also I hope that Mom realized how ridiculous it was to expect a twenty-two-year-old college student to be at her beck and call during finals week.

It Falls Mainly On The Plain, Anyway…

, , , , | Related | May 15, 2025

I’m about five, on a family vacation to Spain:

Me: *Looking out at the sky and clouds forming over the ocean.* “Dad? If there are rainclouds in Spain, does it rain?”

Dad: “No. Everyone knows hot sunny places don’t get rain.”

Mom: “John. You’re an AP geography and biology teacher in a high school. You really should know how wrong you are.”

Dad: “I have the degree, so I know I’m right. None of you can tell me otherwise until you have my level of certification.”

Mom: “…I really feel sorry for your students.”