I’d set up a table to sell things at a small event and was talking to a man when his daughter, somewhere around seven to nine, came up to talk to him.
Daughter: “I’m hungry.”
The man starts to open his mouth to reply when the daughter hastily adds:
Daughter: “And don’t call me hungry!”
The man shuts his mouth, then turns to me with a grin.
Man: “She knows me too well.”
My seven-year-old grandson starts talking to my daughter about some place they went when he was younger.
His four-year-old brother asks:
Four-Year-Old: “Where was I when you went there?”
Seven-Year-Old: “You weren’t born yet.”
Four-Year-Old: “Cool! I was invisible!”
That’s my grandson, always looking for the silver lining.
I’m four years old at the time, and my dad is talking to me on a slow Sunday night.
Dad: “What would you do if you had more money than anyone else in the world?”
Me: “How much is that?”
Dad: “So much that it doesn’t matter. More money than anyone else!”
Me: “More money than God?”
Dad: “God doesn’t have money.”
Me: “He has a big house, and we go there every Sunday. Of course he has money.”
My dad put the matter, and me, to bed after that.
My brother is an a**hole driver. The kind of person who will pull right up to the bumper of someone at a stoplight and start pounding their horn, even when there is no way for those in front of them to go. The kind of person who will swerve around to get ahead of a car, and then brake check them to ‘teach them a lesson’ for getting in his way. The kind of person who will swerve across lanes of traffic, cutting cars off, to swerve into the exit ramp. Just terrible, whenever he is behind the wheel of a car.
And no matter how much we call him out, he refuses to admit that he is wrong.
Well, about a month ago, he pulled up to our house for a visit, but the front of his car was beat to hell. Dents on the hood, cracks in the windshield and driver’s side window, and the driver’s mirror was missing entirely.
Me: “What happened?”
Brother: “This guy just jumped out and attacked me!”
Me: “What?! Someone jumped out into the road? Did you just have a hit-and-run?”
Brother: “No, he jumped out of his car and attacked me. I barely got out of there.”
Me: *Now somewhat suspicious, given his history.* “Were you behind his car at a traffic light?”
Brother: “Yeah, just minding my own business, and he just jumped out—”
Me: “—After you started honking your horn at him?”
Brother: *Silent.*
He kept circling back to the story during the visit, and clammed up when asked what had happened right before the ‘attack’, but, from what I know of him, I’m pretty sure the sequence went something like ‘he pulled up behind them, started laying on his horn, and the other driver then hopped out to get him to shut up’.
Still, not great road rage, but I honestly can’t say my brother isn’t a deserving recipient of it.
The April 8, 2024, solar eclipse is happening over in North America in a few days. It’s on the news occasionally in Australia, but since we’re on the other side of the planet, it’s not exactly a major story.
I’m chilling at home with my two brothers (we’re all teenagers) and my parents. The news has just covered the eclipse.
Brother: “So if the eclipse happens at six PM in America, what time will it happen here?”
Me: “Uh… what?”
Brother: “What time is the eclipse for us?”
Me: “We don’t get one.”
Brother: “What… why?!”
Me: “Because… It’s on the other side of the planet. How are you not getting it?”
Brother: “But the eclipse is the moon casting its shadow on the Earth, right?”
Me: “So you do know what an eclipse is.”
Brother: “And we’re on Earth! So why won’t we see it?”
Me: “Because we’re on the other side of it! Our view is being blocked by the Earth itself!”
Brother: “That makes no sense. We’re on Earth so we should see it!”
Mum: *Not looking up from her phone, but directing her voice to my brother.* “If you had a good s***, your head would cave in.”
Related:
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 9
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 8
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 7
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 6
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 5
