I’m in the car with my mom and my young daughter. My mom is in the backseat having grandmother/granddaughter time.

My Mom: “[My Daughter’s Name], are you picking your nose?!”

My Daughter: “There’s a big one up there!”

My Mom: “Ask for a napkin next time! Let me get one from my bag!”

My Daughter: “Already got it. Woooow, it’s huge!”

My Mom: “That’s disgusting! Give me that! I’ll throw it with the napkin!”

My Daughter: “Nooo! I had it first!”

My sister and I were on a road trip from Illinois to Montana, and we made our first gas stop in Iowa. We freshened up and got some food for our first night camping, and when we got back in the truck, she put the keys in. We were about to get back underway when…

Sister: “Huh. The check engine light is on.”

She then put it in gear.

Sister: “Oh f***, it’s seized up!”

She tried some more, and she discovered that the steering was locked too.

Sister: *In defeat.* “Well, we’re f***ed. We live here now.”

Me: “Did… did you even turn the keys?”

She gives me this look…  and then realizes she forgot to turn the friggin’ ignition!

We laughed until we cried, and every couple of days, one of us asks if the other remembers when she forgot to start the truck and immediately gave up.

My uncle (dad’s brother) moved out of state many years ago, so we rarely get to see him. By pure chance, his job had him come to our home city recently for a conference, so we naturally took the chance to catch up.

My dad asks him about his job, and this is how we find out he’s a crane operator for one of those giant garbage disposal incinerators. My dad asks the “obvious” follow-up question to that:

Dad: “So… have you found any bodies?”

Uncle: “No, thank f***! But, there was one incident where I had to move this massive wardrobe, and I thought a body flopped out of it. It turned out it was one of those creepy CPR training dummies. Scared the living s*** out of me, I was halfway to hitting the emergency stop and had my phone in hand to call the cops before I realized what it was.”

My uncle then rolls his eyes.

Uncle: “[Uncle’s Wife] thought it was hysterical that something made to help deal with heart attacks nearly gave me an actual one.”

Husband: “[Daughter] isn’t going to finish all that rice.”

Daughter: “Is that a challenge?”

Husband: “No, it’s a prophecy. Just call me Nostradadmus.

Daughter: “Better check your scrolls again!”

Husband: “I don’t have the Dead Sea Scrolls. I have the ‘You’ll See’ Scrolls.”

She proved him wrong, happily.

I’m waiting for my doctor’s appointment. A young girl is interrogating her mother in the waiting room.

Daughter: “I’m starving, Mum! When are we going to get some food?”

Mother: “You can have a sandwich when we’re done here.”

Daughter: “But I’m staaarving.”

Mother: “You’re not starving, you’re hungry.”

A few seconds of pause:

Daughter: “But I am starving! You wouldn’t know, you’re not me!”