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Funny stories about family

I Was There When Mario Circuit 1 Was Written…

, , , | Related | July 7, 2025

The new Mario Kart game has come out, and I’m playing it with my two nephews, both under ten, during a visit. They keep trying to explain to me how the game works.

Nephew #1: “Okay, so you need to drive into those boxes to get power-ups.”

Me: “Uh, thanks. I think I got it.”

Nephew #2: “And then to drift you just—”

Me: “—Thanks, but I know the controls.”

Nephew #2: “Yeah, but do you know how to—”

Me: “—do not cite the deep magic to me, [Nephew], I was there when it was written.”

Nephew #2: “…huh?”

Me: “The first Super Mario Kart came out in 1992. I got it for my fifth birthday.”

Both Nephews:Wooooah.”

We played. I did not go easy on them.

Maybe Virtua-Maui Is Still Affordable?

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2025

We’re at my parents’ house for a casual family gathering. My mid-thirties cousin is on his third beer and has started his usual loop of talking about his crypto portfolio like it’s a rescue dog that just needs more time to thrive.

Cousin: “The thing about decentralized finance is, you gotta think long-term. That’s how the big players move.”

Uncle: “Last month, you said you were selling your car to invest in ‘digital land.'”

Cousin: “It’s called the metaverse. And yeah, it’s appreciating.”

Grandma: “Digital land? So it’s fake?”

Cousin: “It’s not fake, it’s virtual. That’s the future.”

Aunt: “The future better pay rent if it’s gonna live in my basement.”

Cousin: *Puffs up.* “Okay, laugh now, but when you’re all stuck here in the cold winter, I’ll be using my digital assets to buy land in Maui!”

We all pause. My aunt (his mom) sets down her drink, looks at him over her sunglasses, and hits him with the line of the day:

Aunt: “Sweetheart, you couldn’t ever finish Monopoly without rage-quitting. Maybe hold off on land deals.”

I decided not to chip in that he bought a virtual yacht and asked me for gas money on the same day.

When The Crappy Dad Jokes Are Coming From The Wrong Direction

, , , , , , | Related | July 5, 2025

My son is sending me texts.

Son: *Poop emoji.*

Me: “Yes?”

Son: *Poop emoji.*

Me: “Okay?”

Son: *Poop emoji.*

Me: “And…?”

Son: *Poop emoji.*

Me: “What are you doing?”

Son: “Just giving you s***!”

And The Tea Party Was Just A Really Intense Brunch

, , , , | Related | July 4, 2025

It’s our annual Fourth of July family gathering in our typical Midwest home. As usual, it consists of too much potato salad, my aunt’s screaming toddlers, and my uncle trying to out-grill my dad by “free-styling” with a blowtorch.

At 3 PM, the heat index is doing its thing, so most of us are hiding in the shade. My uncle, shirtless and armed with a spatula, is holding court near the grill, lecturing anyone who’ll listen about “true American values.”

Uncle: “The problem with this country is nobody respects tradition anymore. People don’t know where they come from. No roots. No pride.”

His daughter, my cousin, rolls her eyes.

Cousin: “You mean like how our Wi-Fi is named ‘RedWhiteAndBrew’ and the password is ‘1776baby’?”

Uncle: “I bet none of your friends even know who we fought in the Revolutionary War.”

Cousin: “England. You’ve said that six times today.”

Uncle: *Smirking.* “Well then, I guess my work here is done.”

He then tries to flip a burger, misses, and it slides between the grill grates into the flames.

Uncle: “It died a hero. Unlike Canada.”

That’s when my great-aunt, who’s been quietly sipping boxed wine on the porch, finally speaks up:

Great-Aunt: “Boy, you once claimed the Founding Fathers signed the Constitution at the Alamo. Sit down before you hurt yourself, Captain Constitution.”

She did in two sentences what none of us could do in two hours… she shut him up!

Homo-ing Beacon Activated!

, , , , | Related | July 3, 2025

It’s June, Pride month, yay. I put a tiny pride flag outside my door. I am my mother’s caregiver, and I live with her. We’re sitting outside:

Mom: “Is that so homosexuals will come to the door?”

Me: “What? No. It’s just a pride flag.”

Mom: “Oh… I was hoping you were looking for a date.”

Me: “What, like I just put a rainbow flag up and hope the lesbians come running?”

Mom: “…so no then?”