(I have invited my two oldest nephews to my home for a week-long visit over summer break. The younger of the two, age six, refuses to eat any food that is prepared for him for the duration of the visit — even foods that he normally loves and will devour at home. We figure it’s just a “how much can I get away with when Mom isn’t around?” gesture on his part, but his older brother is taking this matter very seriously. One afternoon, while having a snack that includes baby carrots and ranch dressing, the six year old is whining about how much he hates carrots, despite my knowing that’s not true. As I’ve told the boys that we can’t go out to play until everyone’s finished their food, his older brother, age nine, decides to try and help out.)

Oldest Nephew: “Hey, [Brother], just do what I do! I put the carrots into my mouth, and chew them up really small, and then I swallow them. Easy!”

(Most of us just call that “eating”, but I guess my nephew thought he was really on to something with that one!)

My sister kept threatening to show a video to me if I kept leaving the toilet seat up. She claimed it would make sure I always keep it down. I had ignored her up until this point.

Finally, she cornered me. I rolled my eyes as she got out The Video.

I had never been more horrified. The video was of a science experiment where they put special water in the toilet that would glow under a blacklight. They flushed the toilet, in a huge bathroom, with the seat up. When they turned on the blacklight, it’s like the room was covered in stars. The toilet water got EVERYWHERE.

I didn’t want to watch more, but I couldn’t look away. They flushed with the seat and lid down. The spatter was contained to the floor surrounding the toilet.

And that is how I became afraid of toilets. I pull the release and run as fast as I can. You were right, sister. I’ll never leave it up again.

(This story takes place a few years after my wife and I get married. We go out to a restaurant for her birthday with her sisters, mother, uncle, and a cousin. We go to a very well-known Italian restaurant where our server is a delight. After we get the check and I put down the tip, I talk to one of my wife’s uncles for a bit. When I turn back, the tip money is gone and my wife looks like she’s embarrassed.)

Me: “Huh, I didn’t see the server pass by.”

Sister-In-Law: “He didn’t…”

Me: “He didn’t? Then where did the 27 dollars go?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, that? I have it here.”

Me: “Why?”

Mother-In-Law: “Because tipping is a scam.”

Uncle: “Oh boy, here we go…”

Me: “What? How is it a scam? He gave us excellent service and had our food out fast.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’s their job. You don’t pay them for doing their job well. They’ll probably just waste it on drugs or something else.”

(At this point I’m shocked at how she’s acting. This is a sweet woman who has never said anything like this before. I look to my wife and she’s keeping her head down.)

Me: “That’s not for you to decide. It’s my money, and if I want to give it to him then that’s my choice. Put it back.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, I won’t let you fall for their scam.”

Me: “Mrs. [Mother-In-Law], I worked as a server before I married [Wife], and I promise you it’s no scam. Now, please put the money back or give it back to me.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, if you want to throw away your money, then I’ll be more than happy to take it.”

Me: “Okay, if that’s the case, then you keep the money, but you’re going to pay for your own meal.”

(At this she seemed to get startled then she started to mumble under her breath. She glared at me as she tossed the money onto the table; a few bills short, and announced that she was going to wait by the car. As she did that my wife, her sisters, and her uncle all breathed a sigh of relief.)

Uncle: “Thank God someone finally told her off. She’s been like that since we were children.”

Sister-In-Law: “Anytime we told her anything she’d scold us for being gullible.”

(They each put five dollars on top of the tip as well. My mother-in-law refused to eat at restaurants with us after that, and my wife thanked me for finally doing what she was always afraid to.)

(I am recounting a true story I read on the Internet to my mother where a Jewish bride-to-be receives a cross necklace from a relative to wear at the wedding. She doesn’t seem to react as strongly as I expected, so I decide to clarify just what is wrong. Note that while my mom is Catholic, I’m atheist.)

Me: “Jewish people don’t believe in Jesus.”

Mom: “Why not? They don’t believe in having a god?”

Me: “They just go by the Old Testament.”

(I’m not exactly sure what happened at this point, but about two sentences later:)

Me: “Well, the Old Testament is pretty much a collection of stories of God getting angry and killing people.”

Mom: “God never killed anyone!”

Me: “Forty days and forty nights?”

(She gave me a look and left the room.)

(My husband always calls my mother-in-law at least three times a week since she lives so far away. He is usually met with the answering machine and always leaves a message. My mother-in-law calls on Thursday.)

Mother-In-Law: “You never call and always ignore me and leave me out of your life.”

Husband: “I call all the time and leave messages because you are never home.”

Mother-In-Law: “My house phone isn’t working.”

Husband: “I wasn’t aware.”

Mother-In-Law: “Since the handset isn’t working I don’t need to pay my bill.”

Me: *face-palm*