Santa: The Best Bribery Tool In The Parenting Playbook

, , , , , , | Related | September 20, 2018

(I am behind the bar, out of sight of customers but not out of earshot. A child having dinner with her family is acting up, running about, making lots of noise, etc. I hear this from her family. Note: it’s early August.)

Parent: “If you don’t sit down and behave, Santa won’t visit, and there’ll be no presents!”

Grandma: *gasps* “Did you hear that? No presents!”

(The little girl immediately shut up, and sat down!)

When The Generation Gap Becomes A Meme

, , , | Related | September 19, 2018

(Years ago, before my mom became a little more Internet-savvy, this would happen often.)

Me: *shows a funny Youtube video*

Mom: “Who is that?”

Me: “Huh? What?”

Mom: “Who is that? Is it a friend of yours?”

Me: “No, it’s just a video from the Internet. I just wanted to show you because it’s funny.”

Mom: “But how did you get the video if you don’t know the person?”

Me: “It’s just on the Internet. People post stuff online.”

Mom: “Why would they do that?”

Me: “Because they can!”

Mom: “Eh, I don’t think it was very funny.”

Me: “…”

(This also used to happen with pictures of random people on the Internet, much with the same result.)

Magical Whimsical

, , , , , | Related | September 18, 2018

(My cousin likes to force her five-year-old son to conform to some high standard of a perfect little boy like you’d see in a magazine and doesn’t allow him to actually act like a small child. We like to instill a little whimsy in him whenever she’s not around. We’re currently taking him to a street fair, and my sister finds a dandelion that’s turned to puff.)

Sister: “Look! If you see a dandelion that looks like that, you can make a wish and blow on it, and it’ll carry your wish into the sky!”

(He excitedly blows on it ,and we continue walking. He sees the prettiest fall leaf — the first of the season — on the sidewalk, and excitedly picks it up.)

Cousin: “My wish came true!”

(He had a smile on his face for the rest of the day.)

The Mother Of All Crazy Mothers

, , , , , , | Related | September 17, 2018

(My mother has OCD and is a narcissist. Growing up in a house run by that joyous combination motivated me out the door and into my own apartment very quickly. However, I’m still very close with my dad, so I do invite him over when the mood strikes. And though I only invited him, I obviously meant to invite my mother, as well, so she happily waltzes in before him without bothering to check first. And given that I’m her son, obviously my apartment is hers to do with as she pleases. So, by the time she’s gone, everything has been moved around. I don’t notice this right away because my head doesn’t recover from the earfuls of, “How dare you try to keep this a secret from me!” that preceded all of this. Eventually, my girlfriend and I get serious enough to live together, and not too long after, my dad swings by to celebrate my birthday, complete with my mother to show him the way. Despite my numerous explanations meant to avert this, among my birthday gifts is a shouting match between that two women on the concept of “boundaries” and “respect” that I thought would have answered why my dad and I try to hide these meetings from her. But then my mother insists that I’m an idiot since my apartment is never organized. The morning after, I get the bonus of explaining how my mother’s mind works to my girlfriend as we try to figure out what my mother did. It starts in the kitchen.)

Girlfriend: *groans* “Your mom was in the fridge.”

Me: “Look for the ketchup and mustard. She might have thrown them out.”

Girlfriend: “Why?”

Me: “She doesn’t like them, so obviously they belong in the garbage.”

(Thankfully, she didn’t throw them out this time.)

Girlfriend: “Does she not like turkey breast, either?”

Me: “Right side of the deli bin.”

Girlfriend: “But that’s where she put the cheeses. Shouldn’t it be on the left with the meats?”

Me: “She doesn’t read the labels; she just looks at the contents through the bags. Turkey breast is white, so it’s a cheese.”

(She finds the turkey breast was right where I said it was.)

Girlfriend: “Why are the Golden Grahams mixed in with all the different Cheerios?”

Me: “The box is yellow; therefore, it’s regular Cheerios. The actual Cheerios go bad sooner, so they’re on the left.”

(And later on, while she’s in the bathroom doing her hair…)

Girlfriend: “Why is my birth control in the trash?”

Me: “Probably down the toilet.”

Girlfriend: “What?! Why?!”

Me: “She wants to be a grandmother.”

Girlfriend: “Did she throw away your condoms before?”

Me: “No, she just poked holes in them.”

(Thankfully, I caught that one before any damage was done.)

Girlfriend: “She’s never allowed over again!”

Me: “She wasn’t allowed over last night. If you can keep her out, I’m on board.”

(Years later, we’re still not having any luck getting rid of my mother non-violently. And despite that, for some reason, this has girl still decided to marry me.)

Veronica’s Secret Is Apparently Carbs

, , , , , | Related | September 16, 2018

(My mom, dad, and I are all out driving on a shopping trip. It should be noted that while my dad is intelligent, he’s never had much fondness for honing his reading skills.)

Dad: *glancing at passing storefronts* “Hmm, we should try out that new pasta place sometime.”

Mom: *confused* “What new pasta place?”

Dad: “Right there, with the big neon sign for their linguine!”

Me: “Um, Dad? That’s a ‘Lover’s Lane’ store, and the word on the sign is pronounced ‘lingerie’!”

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