You Fight Like A Girl!

, , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

(Our entire family enjoys martial arts, especially jiu jitsu-style wrestling. When one of our sons, a US Marine, comes home for a visit, he and I get into a friendly wrestling match in the middle of the living room. His fiancée watches and occasionally winces as we crash around the room, knocking aside the furniture and giggling with glee.)

Son: *triumphant noise* “There! Now I’ve got you!”

Me: *slips out of the hold, rolls over, and pins him* “No, you don’t.”

Son: “But I almost did!”

Me: “But you didn’t.”

Son: “But I was doing really, really well! I have to tell my buddies about this!”

Me: “You were doing really well until you lost. Besides, do you really want to brag to your Marine buddies that you can almost pin an out-of-shape, middle-aged person?”

Son’s Fiancée: “…who happens to be your mom?”

Eavesdropping Really Blows

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

Girl: “Can I have a lollipop?”

Me: “Have you had a shot today?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry; you can’t have one.”

Girl: “I’ll give you a blowjob for one.”

Me: *taken aback* “How old are you?”

Girl: “Seven.”

(I don’t know what to say, so I just turn my back and ignore her.)

Mother: “[Girl], stop bothering that man.”

Girl: “But I want a lollipop. You said, ‘Give a man a blowjob and he’ll do anything for you.’”

(I turn back around and the mother is blushing. She drags her daughter out of the office.)

Mother: “What have I told about eavesdropping on your aunt and me when we’re having coffee?!”

(She came in this morning to request copies of her family’s prescriptions, so she can switch to another doctor. I hope she wasn’t switching because of the incident.)

They’re Just Explaining Biology

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

(My mom is helping me study for an AP biology test. We’re doing some Punnett square examples in the textbook.)

Me: “So, does it matter if the mother or father goes on top?”

Mom: “For sex? It depends. With me and your father, he goes on top because I weigh more. But with your aunt and uncle, I think she probably goes on top, because he weighs more.”

Me: *almost too horrified to speak* “I meant on the square. I think I’ll go study alone.”

An Invisible Disability

, , , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(My youngest son is three. He has a severe speech disability. By three years old, he can only speak about six words. He is in speech therapy, but it is early on, and he does not communicate well. We are sitting for the neighbor’s kids, aged eight and ten. My three-year-old starts screaming uncontrollably.)

Neighbor’s Kids: “What do you want?” *picking abilities for their video game characters*

Son: “Fes-pa.”

Neighbor’s Kids: *confused* “What?”

Son: “Fes-pa.”

(As my son is screaming and having a fit, I place him in his room to calm down. Two minutes later…)

Me: “[Son], I want to understand. Tell me again why you are upset.”

Son: “Where is my DI?” *DSI, video game console*

(I give him his DSI. My son pulls out a game and pushes a few buttons.)

Son: “Yooka, Momma… See Thor?”

(I see Thor. He pushes another button, and Thor disappears. He turns invisible.)

Me: *realization setting in* “Son, do you mean ‘invisible’?”

Son: “Yeah, Momma.”

Me: *look of utter disbelief*

(Moral of the story: kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Take the time to really listen; they want to be heard! Oh, and, just because they cannot vocalize, it does not mean you cannot be astounded by their ability to communicate, I was!)

What?!

, , , , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(While trying to get things settled with the lady at the desk, my three-year-old son is next to me, looking at a comments box that has five faces on it ranging from a big smile to a big frown.)

Son: “Daddy, what does this face mean?”

Me: *breaking a conversation to glance down* “What face?”

Son: “Oh! Really happy, really sad, kind of happy, kind of sad, what face!”

(He’s 17 now, and the whole family still calls the face with a straight mouth a “what face.”)

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