(Dad and I are out shopping when I notice something in the home decor area.)

Me: “Look at this holiday ornament, Dad. It says, ‘Teacher’s make the world brighter.’”

Dad: “That’s a nice gift.”

Me: “No, no, Dad. Look at the word, ‘teacher’s.’”

Dad: “Oh, yeah.”

Me: “What a mistake, right?”

Dad: “Yeah, there’s an A in there. There shouldn’t be.”

(Being height-impaired, I usually call for my dad when I spy a ceiling critter.)

Me: “Dad, there’s a giant spider on the ceiling and I can’t reach it!”

Dad: “Hang on. I’m in the basement.”

(Dad comes upstairs carrying a shotgun.)

Me: “Uh… It’s not that big!”

Dad: “What? Oh, no! I was polishing the metal, and now I’m putting it back in the safe!”

(I’m 5’6″. My fiancée is 6’5″. I’m talking wedding arrangements with my soon-to-be sister-in-law, who is 6’0”.)

Sister-In-Law: “It’s a good thing we like you, because we’re wasting a perfectly good tall man on you, you shrimp!”

(My brother and I, both adults, have agreed to go shopping with our mother. My brother tells her he wants to go look at something in a different department and will catch back up with us.)

Mom: “Okay, that’s fine. I’ll be in clothes.”

Brother: *without missing a beat* “Well, I certainly hope so!”

(This is after my mother announces that she’s going to buy me a copy of the all-women “Ghostbusters” for my birthday, a movie we saw together in theaters and really liked.)

Dad: “Oh, come on! That movie BOMBED. It was the WORST Ghostbusters movie, hands down.”

Me: “Dad, everyone knows the second movie was the worst one.”

Dad: “Have you even SEEN Ghostbusters 2?”

Me: “Nope, and you haven’t seen the reboot. See how ridiculous you sounded?”