Firing Out Puns

, , , , , | Related | March 21, 2018

(My mom is watching me play a popular video game where you can throw your hat to “capture” different enemies and use their powers. One such enemy throws fireballs. I’m attempting to capture this enemy, but just as I throw my hat, he throws a fireball. The hat knocks the fire back into the enemy, killing it.)

Me: “Well, that backfired.”


Mom: “Seriously?”

Me: “I swear, I didn’t mean to make a pun!”

Kids Are One In A Million

, , , | Related | March 19, 2018

(I like to tease young kids by saying their purchase costs a million dollars and asking if they have that much. Every so often one of them will say yes, so I ask them where it is. These are a few answers I’ve gotten.)

Child #1: *cartoonish shrug*

Child #2: “Daddy has it.”

Child #3: “My piggy bank.”

Child #4: *points to his mother’s purse*

Child #5: *hands me a dollar*

The Key Thing Is That You Forget

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2018

(My daughter’s car is in the shop, and as a result she and I are sharing my car for a few days. I have some errands to run before she goes to work.)

Me: “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back in time for you to go to work. Do you want me to leave my spare keys, in case you have to go anywhere before I get back?”

Daughter: “Um… Mom? Think about what you just said.”

Me: “This conversation never happened.”

(She was still laughing as I walked out the door.)

Love Is Material

, , , , | Related | March 17, 2018

(Overheard near the toy aisle, between a five- or six-year-old girl and her mom.)

Girl: “Of course I love you, Mommy! I just love you more when you buy me stuff!”

(At least she’s honest!)

Unless You’re Dying, It’s Not Worth My Time

, , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(My grandmother is a stern, no-nonsense matriarch with some rather peculiar ideas about health, from growing up in a time when castor oil was the only medicine available. I’ve dislocated my ankle the day before and I haven’t had any treatment for it. As I limp downstairs for breakfast, I feel in terrible pain and as if I’m about to throw up. I try and make it to the bathroom, but I fall in a dead faint halfway there. My mother later tells me she heard the thud from the cellar. When I come back to my senses, I’m white as a sheet, lying spread eagle on the corridor floor, and my parents are kneeling at either side with eyes as wide as dinner plates. My grandmother comes out of her bedroom and sees the scene…)

Grandmother: “What’s going on? [My Name], are you running a fever?”

Me: *still out of it, and it shows* “No… I don’t think…”

Grandmother: “Oh. That’s good.”

(And she literally walks over me on her way to the kitchen!)

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