I’ve recently become pregnant and my toddler has noticed some of the changes my body is going through, particularly in the chest area.

Toddler: “What’s that?!”

My toddler points at the two protrusions visible under my shirt.

Me: “Nipples.”

They pull down my shirt.

Toddler: “NIPPLES.”

They point up at the light fixture with a removable glass cover which has a small detachable anchor.

Toddler: “NIPPLE!”

Me: “No, not a nipple. That’s just the light.”

My spouse walks in. Our toddler points at the light.

Toddler: “NOT A NIPPLE!”

Spouse: “…”

My wife and I host a barbecue for us and my wife’s sister and her husband, our brother-in-law. My sister-in-law is okay, but I don’t like my brother-in-law and I’m not afraid to call him out on his selfish and controlling behaviour.

They show up late and empty-handed. My brother-in-law walks into the house without thinking to knock and immediately starts looking at his phone.

He spends most of the barbecue on his phone. We eat, drink, and eat some more.

We run out of food quickly, but to my surprise, [Brother-In-Law] offers to drive me to the shops to help buy more. When we are there, he even offers to buy some food!

We get back, I cook some more, we eat and drink, and eventually, it is time for them to go.

My wife and I tidy up and I start to sort through the leftovers and unused food.

Me: “Err… where did you put the ribs?”

Wife: “What ribs?”

Me: “The ones [Brother-In-Law] brought. There should be some more burgers and rolls, as well. I bought some nice sauces we haven’t opened yet; I can’t find them, either.”

Wife: “You don’t think [Brother-In-Law] took them, do you?”

Me: “No. No one would just take a load of uncooked food, right?”

It turns out that was exactly what he did. He hid the stuff he brought behind mine in the fridge so I would use his last. When we used some of “his” food, he took some of mine. 

My sister-in-law apologised to us a while after when he tried to pass off the stuff he took as his own. We see her occasionally, but we have nothing to do with him.

As a nine-year-old child, I am as voracious a reader as my twin brother isn’t. I am reading adult sci-fi; he is years below his age bracket. It’s not because he isn’t clever, but because he is unmotivated and stubborn. Oh, so stubborn.

My parents consult with paediatricians, special tutors, and his teachers. They sit to read with him every night. They try every technique and every recommended book that is meant to attract young boys. They try books on any topic he has interest in. They try punishment and reward and everything in between. Nothing works. He just refuses to read. He’d rather watch TV or play computer games, and he isn’t willing to negotiate terms. A one-hour-for-one-hour compromise is not on the table. He’d rather choose spite.

Finally, after more than a full year of watching this play out — and, admittedly, having reached my limit of petty jealousy from seeing my brother get “extra attention” from both our parents — I take matters into my own hands.

I interrupt my parents and brother “reading.”

Me: “Come with me.”

I drag my brother by the hand to the computer, dial into the Internet, and go to the one fanfiction site I know of at the time. I search around for a high-rating story of my brother’s lifetime favourite game and OTP pairing and begin to read the story out loud.

After the first chapter, I walk away.

Me: “It’s all yours!”

My brother replaced me on the seat, clicked the next chapter… and quietly began to read. He stayed on that site for the rest of the night while I tried to badger my dad into reading “Snow Crash” out loud to me.

He is now an adult and an absolutely phenomenal speed-reader… who still basically only reads fanfiction.

Dad never did read me “Snow Crash.”

I’m trying to stimulate my daughter’s mnemonic ability with trivia and quizzes. Thanks to a recent accident that painted the bathroom tiles silver, we now know that modern thermometer tips contain a gallium, indium, and tin alloy called Galinstan. My daughter is now taking her temperature.

Me: “Do you remember what’s in the tip?”

Daughter: “Uh. Tin and… gallium and… indium.”

Me: “Very good. What’s the name?”

Daughter: “Tin… Sta… Sta… In… Gal… STALINGRAD!”

My family is playing board games one night, and we are playing a game where you build a city and place people in it to gain points. My mom places her tile but doesn’t have any people to place on her tile so she doesn’t get any points.

Me: “That’s what you get for spreading yourself too thin. Wasn’t that Napoleon’s problem?”

Brother: “No, he attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “Then who am I thinking of?”

Brother: “Alexander the Great. But he also attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “But he had elephants.”

Brother: “No, that was Hannibal.”