(My son is four years old and has been repeating everything he hears, including cuss words. There is a noise from inside the wall.)

Me: “What was that noise?”

Dad: “It was probably a d*** rat.”

Son: “Yeah, mom, it was probably—”

Me: “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” *to Dad* “See, he repeats everything you say, and he’s going to get in trouble for saying things like that.”

Son: “But Mom, I wasn’t going to say that!”

Me: “What were you going to say then?”

Son: “I was going to say ‘It was probably a d*** snake!’”

(We are forever having problems with my nearly 80-year-old in-laws and their inability to remember anything. Whilst it’s been medically stated they don’t suffer from Alzheimers, I don’t quite believe it. This is one of many, many instances. We’ve asked them to come round and babysit on a Sunday night. They were asked on the Friday before and agreed it was fine and that they’d written it in their calendar. I get a phone call on Saturday morning, and after the initial pleasantries:)

Mother-In-Law: “I’m just phoning to check what time you want us round. I’m sure you want us to babysit tonight. What time would you like us?”

Me: “No, it’s not tonight. It’s for Sunday night at seven pm. You said you wrote it in your calendar.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, okay, I’ll write it down again now. So you want us tomorrow at seven pm?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right. See you tomorrow.”

(Come seven pm that evening, still Saturday, they turn up with their dog, knock on the door, and then come in as they usually do when they visit to stay. I stand there looking puzzled and eventually…)

Me: “Erm, have you just popped round for a quick visit? Would you like a cuppa or anything?”

In-Laws: “We’re here to babysit… aren’t we? It’s for tonight, isn’t it?”

Me: “No, you’ve got it wrong, I’m afraid. Babysitting is for tomorrow night. You did write it down twice!”

(They then quickly left looking suitably embarrassed. The next day, I got a call in the afternoon asking if that evening is when they are needed to babysit and at what time! They generally laughed it off and put it down to old age, but it does worry me as they help out a lot with collecting our kids from school, etc. and it can only be a matter of time before something goes wrong. They won’t talk about it seriously, though, and think writing things down helps. Well, it would if they read them afterwards!)

Customer: “Can this paint be eaten?”

Me: “No. It is not safe for consumption.”

Customer: “So I can’t give it to my daughter as a treat?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: “[HUSBAND]! SHE CAN’T HAVE IT! PUT IT ALL BACK. WE’LL GET HER AN ICE CREAM AND THAT GLUE SHE LIKES INSTEAD!” *to me* “Thank you so much for the help.”

(Her husband appeared for a few seconds with several litres of paint in a trolley. He didn’t look impressed.)

(I was talking to my parents about an unfortunate drowning that happened in the area. It should also be noted that I am a female and while I don’t have six pack abs, I’m in fairly decent shape.)

Me: “I’m an okay swimmer, but I don’t float that well.”

Mom: “Everyone floats!”

Dad: “Actually, people with low body fat and high muscle density don’t float that well.”

Mom: *looking at me* “I don’t think she has that problem.”

(My Aunt is in her early eighties and thinks that computers are only for playing games on. This story takes place a month after I graduated from an online college with an associate’s degree in accounting. I earned the degree while my active duty military husband and I were in Korea.)

Me: “Look what I earned, Aunt [Her Name]!” *as I pull my degree off of my living room wall*

Aunt: “What is it?”

Me: “It’s my college degree. I earned it online while [Husband] and I were in Korea!”

Aunt: “You can’t go to college on the computer! That thing is just for playing solitaire!”

Me: *as I pull up the online campus* “Yes, you can go to college on the computer.”

Aunt: “No, you are lying! You just had the Koreans print that piece of paper while you were over there to make yourself feel better! You didn’t graduate from college!”

(I gave up after she said that. The truth is that I lost a full scholarship to college eleven years before and my life ended up in the ditch for a few years. After escaping an abusive marriage and a stint as a truck driver, I met my second husband who gifted me his GI Bill and going to college online was my only option. She really hurt me when she said those things about my degree! I’m now pursuing a BA in Transportation and Logistics Management and she now asks me if I “go to college on the television”!)