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Funny stories about family

Mom Needs A Tablet To Write This Stuff Down

, , , , | Related | January 20, 2022

My mother bought my daughter a laptop for school and speech therapy. Despite being five at the time — seven years old now — my daughter takes pretty good care of it, and nowadays, I make sure it has a spot and its charger does, as well. My daughter also has had her share of tablets: two that died out after getting their money’s worth, and one that for some reason stopped responding to her finger.

My mother is asking me about it one night.

Mom: “Hey, where is that tablet I got her?”

Me: “The old Windows one? That broke at [previous address]. Remember?”

Mom: “WHAT? I JUST BOUGHT THAT!”

Me: “No… you didn’t.”

Mom: Yes, I f****** did! It was $700!

Me: “None of her tablets has ever been that much.”

Mom: “The one with the keyboard!”

Me: “The old Windows one. Yeah, that’s the one that finally died after two years of use.”

Mom: “Where is her tablet?!”

Me: “Do you mean the ONN brand? Either in the house or car.”

She becomes very annoyed at this.

Me: “Do you mean her Switch? It’s in her room.”

Mom: “What the h*** is a Switch?!”

Me: “That pink console she had at Thanksgiving.”

Mom: “No! Her tablet I got off of [Website]!”

Me: “You mean her laptop?

Mom: “Oh. Yeah. Where is it?!”

Me: “Corner of the kitchen table on its charger.”

Mom: “Okay.”

Dad: “How did you forget it was the laptop that was that much money?”

Me: “Had you said that first, I would have told you exactly.”

Mom: “Is it charged?”

Me: “What part of ‘on its charger’ did you not hear?”

Mom: “…”

Me: “I didn’t think your memory was that bad, Ma! Also, you bought that when the [health crisis] started… which was last year.”

Mom: “Oh…”

She looked around after that and I just started laughing. I try not to let arguments that she and I have get too much in the way because I know that in some cases, like this, my mother’s memory will not serve her well, or in any justice whatsoever.

We’re Bag-eling You To Just Accept The Bagels

, , , , | Related | January 19, 2022

I just heard this story from my dad and little sister about my grandmother. Grandma is awesome because she is absolutely a b****; she takes no flak from anyone. My dad talks to her once a week (excluding the time she found out he voted “wrong”) and they have a pretty close relationship.

Apparently, Grandma has mentioned she can’t find any of a specific kind of bagel at the store. Dad, trying to do something nice, decides to order some from [Big Company] and waits for the surprise to be delivered. Every day he checks and they say the order is shipping but it never gets delivered.

Finally, after a month, he decides the bagels can’t be any good by now and to cancel the order. He gets told that they can’t find or deliver his order, they won’t send a replacement, and he won’t be getting a refund. Naturally, he’s pretty upset about it, but after gaining no headway on a solution, he asks my younger sister to help him out.

She does, and after a month and a half, Dad has his refund, but our poor grandma is still without her bagels! [Sister] decides she can just order them from a local shop to be delivered and, with Dad’s blessing, finally gets eighteen bagels delivered to our grandma!

End of story? Nah, that’d be too boring. First off, they were delivered while Grandma wasn’t home, though she got there not long after them.

Grandma: *To Dad* “I almost got ants from those bagels sitting outside! What would you have done if they’d gotten ants in them?!”

Dad: “Uh, thrown them out?”

Grandma:And four were burnt! Burnt! What place sends four burnt bagels?!”

Dad: “Well, I’m sure they’ll be happy to exchange them.”

Grandma: “I’m not wasting my time or gas going all the way out there! How dare they send me burnt ones?!”

At this point, Dad is already thinking, “Lady! You got fourteen free bagels! Live with it!” He instead tells her:

Dad: “Well, you know [Sister] doesn’t know the area. I guess she thought they were closer than they are.”

Grandma: “Oh, [Sister] sent them? Oh, okay.”

They end the conversation. Grandma calls my sister up.

Grandma: “Hey, I know you thought sending bagels for your father was a good idea but next time, don’t. Just don’t.” 

Dad: *To us* “At least she’s nicer to her grandkids.”

BRB, Googling How IVF Works

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2022

My older sister and I were conceived via IVF after years of our parents trying without success. Now that we’re adults, we’ve both moved, so she now lives several states north of me.

She called me to invite me to fly up and stay for a few days so I could be part of her New Year’s Eve party.

Me: “Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to pass. It’s just too cold up there in December for me.”

Sister: “This coming from the woman who spent the first two years of her life living in a freezer?”

Green Blankets Swaddle Better, Duh

, , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2022

My husband and I are expecting our second child. We are waiting until birth to find out baby’s sex. I’m thrifty and am trying to find some of the baby items we want secondhand. I find some really good deals and am sharing my excitement with my mother-in-law. 

Me: “I ended up finding someone just giving away the baby carrier I was looking for and two of the swaddles for under $10 total at a consignment store.”

Mother-In-Law: “Nice. Are they a gender-neutral color?”

Me: “The carrier’s an Oxford blue and the swaddles are a baby blue.”

She makes a tutting sound. 

Me: “What?”

Mother-In-Law: “What are you going to do if you have a girl?”

Me: “What do you mean? I’m going to use them.”

Mother-In-Law: “Blue is a boy’s color. You can’t use those if you have a girl.”

Me: “I don’t care if they were all pink and we had a boy. I’d still use them. The carrier was free and the swaddles were 85% off the cost they normally are. It’s just a color. Baby won’t care.”

Mother-In-Law: *Looking annoyed* “You need a gender-neutral color, instead.”

Me: “Tell you what. If we have a girl, you are more than welcome to spend the $150 dollars to buy everything in the color you deem fit.”

She dropped it after that and I stopped sharing information with her.

You Can Lead Mom To The Dog Park…

, , , , | Related | January 15, 2022

My parents and I both have dogs, raised from puppy age. My dog Sandy isn’t perfect, but I consider her well-behaved. My parents’ dog Buster is… not. We’re at the dog park together, and Buster doesn’t come when my mom calls him. She lets out an exasperated sigh.

Mom: “I don’t understand why Buster can’t behave well. I mean, you work full-time, and your dog lets you walk her on a leash and doesn’t take food off the table.”

Me: “Well, how often do you take him for walks? I don’t have a fenced-in yard, so I take Sandy out on a leashed walk at least once a day.”

Mom: “Oh, well, we’ve got the fence, so we don’t need to do that.”

Me: “So, you never walk him on a leash, but you’re surprised that he doesn’t do well with it on?”

Mom: “Well, he stays by the table every day and still steals food!”

Me: “Do you give him food from the table?”

Mom: “Only scraps and meat.”

Me: “And you take them off your plate in front of him?”

Mom: “Yes…”

Me: “And you’re surprised that he’ll take food off your plates when he’s hungry?”

Mom: “I just don’t understand why he doesn’t listen to me and doesn’t walk well on a leash.”