Love Is Material

, , , , | Related | March 17, 2018

(Overheard near the toy aisle, between a five- or six-year-old girl and her mom.)

Girl: “Of course I love you, Mommy! I just love you more when you buy me stuff!”

(At least she’s honest!)

Unless You’re Dying, It’s Not Worth My Time

, , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(My grandmother is a stern, no-nonsense matriarch with some rather peculiar ideas about health, from growing up in a time when castor oil was the only medicine available. I’ve dislocated my ankle the day before and I haven’t had any treatment for it. As I limp downstairs for breakfast, I feel in terrible pain and as if I’m about to throw up. I try and make it to the bathroom, but I fall in a dead faint halfway there. My mother later tells me she heard the thud from the cellar. When I come back to my senses, I’m white as a sheet, lying spread eagle on the corridor floor, and my parents are kneeling at either side with eyes as wide as dinner plates. My grandmother comes out of her bedroom and sees the scene…)

Grandmother: “What’s going on? [My Name], are you running a fever?”

Me: *still out of it, and it shows* “No… I don’t think…”

Grandmother: “Oh. That’s good.”

(And she literally walks over me on her way to the kitchen!)

Some Father Lessons Can Be A Gamble

, , , , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(Once I am legally able to gamble, my dad takes me to a Las Vegas casino so I can try it out.)

Dad: “Here’s how they get you and you lose your money. Say you use a quarter on the slots.”

(I put a quarter in and I get a few spins for it. I win $0.50.)

Me: “You call this losing?”

Dad: “No, no, watch. Try again.”

(I reuse the $0.50 on more spins. I win $1. He continues to try to show me how I’ll lose my money on the slots, with me adding smart aleck comments, as my winnings jump to $3, then $5.)

Me: “Boy howdy, you sure do know how to teach me the ways in which slot machines will s*** me over.”

Dad: “It seems that way, but winning and losing can come in streaks. And the losing is what eats up your money. Just keep trying.”

(Long story short, the slot machine continues to grant me little winnings in chump change. I finally call a stop when I have about $25, and cash it out.)

Dad: “Fine, so, that machine was out to prove me wrong. Let’s try a different game.”

(We went to the Keno counter and got a ticket each. Dad lost. I won a few hundred dollars. We tried blackjack, and I won a number of rounds there, too. That trip became a family legend, as I left with roughly $2,500 in winnings from Dad’s attempt to show me how someone can “lose all their money.” I do know that gambling can be an addiction, and that it can break somebody very easily, but that one day the entire casino seemed to conspire to troll my father!)

Hammed Up That Story

, , , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(I am a mother to a wonderfully cheerful six-year-old. Despite grasping things like numeracy and literacy very quickly, she tends to muddle them up after a little while unless they are quickly reinforced. On this day, I have promised her that we can go and see my parents a few miles away after school.)

Daughter: “Mummy, I learned a joke today from my teacher!”

Me: “Wow, really? Are you going to tell me what it is?”

Daughter: “No, I’m going to wait and tell Grandma!”

(The entire journey, she is squirming excitedly at the thought of this joke. I let her out of the car eventually, and she runs to see my mother.)

Daughter: “Grandma, I learned a joke today from my teacher!”

Grandma: “Oh, yes? What is it?”

Daughter: “What country can you put in a sandwich?”

Grandma: “Hmm… I’m not sure. What country can you put in a sandwich?”

Daughter: *with all the optimism in the world* “Ham!”

(It took us ten minutes to realise she meant Turkey.)

Literally Refuses Your Rhetoric

, , , , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(I’m wistfully watching my five-year-old play with his eleven-month-old brother.)

Me: *out loud to myself* “How did I end up with such wonderful kids?”

Husband: *sitting nearby* “Unprotected sex.”

Me: “That philosophical question was more rhetorical in nature.”

Husband: “I still stand by my literal answer.”

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