Shopping With Mom Is A “Saga”

, , , , , | Related | November 20, 2019

Mom: “Help me find something for your sister for Christmas. She’s so hard to shop for; whatever I get her is never quite right.”

Me: “A graphic novel? She likes Brian Vaughn. Or a DVD? There’s some cartoon series she’s into.”

Mom: “No comic books or cartoons; she’s not a child anymore.”

Me: “A bottle of good bourbon?”

Mom: “I’m not giving my daughter liquor for Christmas!”

Me: “Uh… fancy bath stuff from that weird shop she likes?”

Mom: “No, I want to get her something useful.”

Me: “A cookbook? She loves cookbooks.”

Mom: “She has too many cookbooks already.”

Me: “Maybe something else for her kitchen? Her mother-in-law gave her a pasta machine for her birthday and she loved it.”

Mom: “But she doesn’t need those things.”

Me: “A new vacuum cleaner?”

Mom: “What she really needs is nicer clothes to wear to work.”

Me: *internally face-palming* “So… you already knew what you wanted to get her.”

Mom: “But whenever I get her clothes she never really likes them.”

Me: *going from internal face-palming to internal screaming* “So you’re asking me to, what, magically make her like the clothes you pick out?”

Mom: “Just help me find her a present she’ll like!”

(We then went to a department store that I know my sister does not shop at; every time I suggested an item of clothing I thought my sister would conceivably wear, Mom insisted it was not right. She ended up choosing a sweater which wouldn’t fit, and which my sister will end up exchanging for new socks.)

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You May Now… Applaud?

, , , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2019

My sister is getting married. As her fiancé was raised Catholic, they’re having a Catholic wedding. Our side of the family is Christian, too, but we’re not familiar with Catholic rites or services, being a variety of other denominations. In addition, most of the friends of the bride and groom aren’t religious and so also aren’t familiar with Catholic practises.

Regardless of our inexperience, everything goes smoothly and my sister and her fiancé exchange vows and rings. The priest then invites my now brother-in-law to kiss his wife.

Awaiting the classic “I now pronounce you husband and wife” line which isn’t actually used, the guests don’t quite realise that this is the big moment and there are a few heartbeats of silence.

“There’s usually a big cheer right about here,” the priest prompts, and we all start clapping.

“We’d better try that again!” the priest jokes, inviting my brother-in-law to kiss his wife again.

This time we raise the roof with claps, cheers, and laughter!

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Spy Games

, , , | Related | November 20, 2019

(Our granddaughter is now at camp. Because it’s November, it’s not taking place in the woods, but in a nice old mansion in the suburbs. My wife and I are taking an evening stroll and just happen to be in the vicinity. My wife pulls herself up to the fence.)

Wife: “I see them all! [Supervisor] is there, [Granddaughter’s Friend] is there, and look! There is [Granddaughter]! They seem to be playing some board games. Everything looks fine!”

Me: “Honey, you do realize it is perfectly legal just go inside and ask questions?”

Wife: “Are you crazy? I would be awkward to keep checking on her!”

Me: “And what exactly are you doing now?”

Wife: *beaming* ” I am spying! Totally different!”

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Don’t Have A Cow, Mom!

, , , , | Related | November 19, 2019

(My middle school participates in a program that involves students helping out at a function for younger kids. I’m assigned to help in the petting zoo, which I’m really excited about since I love animals. I’m telling my mom about it afterward.)

Me: “They had a bunch of bunnies and a cranky alpaca. And there was this little calf named Valentine. He was so cute! He even sucked on my fingers!”

Mom: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Cows don’t have top teeth so he couldn’t bite me; he just sniffed at my fingers and then he started sucking. I swear I just melted. It was so cute!”

Mom: “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “It was adorable!”

(I still feel happy when I remember that little cow trusting me enough to suck on my fingers.)

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Finding The Sugary Silver Lining

, , , , , , | Related | November 19, 2019

I was attending a funeral. The elderly mother of a friend had died, and close family members were reading personal messages. A granddaughter, about fifth or sixth grade, declared that it wasn’t so problematic that Grandmother had dementia:

It meant she sometimes forgot whether she had dealt sweets or not and they walked away with two pieces of candy.

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