Whatever It Was, It Was Damned

, , , | Related | July 22, 2017

(My son is four years old and has been repeating everything he hears, including cuss words. There is a noise from inside the wall.)

Me: “What was that noise?”

Dad: “It was probably a d*** rat.”

Son: “Yeah, mom, it was probably—”

Me: “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” *to Dad* “See, he repeats everything you say, and he’s going to get in trouble for saying things like that.”

Son: “But Mom, I wasn’t going to say that!”

Me: “What were you going to say then?”

Son: “I was going to say ‘It was probably a d*** snake!’”

Colorful Language

, , , , | Related | July 18, 2017

(I work at a store that has a little table at the front with toys and coloring books for kids to play with while their parents take care of business. A woman comes in one day with a little boy who can’t be any more than about four years old, who sits quietly coloring the entire time his mother is at the counter. The mother finishes up and the following conversation happens.)

Mother: “Okay, I’m all done! Time to put the coloring book away, honey.”

Child: “No, I’m still coloring.”

Mother: “You can color at home, baby.”

Child: “No. I don’t have a sketchbook at home.”

Mother: “It’s okay, sweetie, we’ll buy you a new sketchbook at another store.”

Child: “NO! I need… this notebook for my new sketchbook.” *he points to a small and so very overpriced notebook that we sell*

Mother: “No, baby, you don’t need that one. I promise we’ll get you a notebook at a different store. A bigger one! Is that okay?”

Child: “No! You’re being a God-d***ed b****!”

(The mother didn’t even react; it was like she heard that language from him on a daily basis. She grabbed his hand and they left the store without another word.)

A Hair-Raising Alarm Clock

, , , , | Related | July 18, 2017

(My sister is two years old. We’re playing in my room, and I’m pretending to be asleep.)

Sister: “Sissy! Wake up!”

Me: *fake snore*

Sister: *tousling my hair, trying to ‘wake’ me* “SISSY!”

Me: *fake snore*

Sister: *still messing up my hair* “SISSY! WAKE UP!” *pause* “YOUR HAIR IS A MESS!”

Me: *starts laughing hysterically* “Okay, I’m up! I’m up!”

The Mannequin Challenge Takes Hollywood

, , , , , | Friendly | July 17, 2017

I am meeting a friend at the movies and arrive before she does. Since I’m early, I buy my ticket but just wait in the lobby so we can go into the theater together. I’m not a very “fidgety” person, so I tend to sit or stand very still whenever I’m not actually doing anything. I have been sitting for a while in my car and know I will be sitting in a movie for a couple of hours, so I just stand to the side instead of sitting on one of the available chairs.

I watch other customers coming in, and eventually a mom and her two little girls come inside. They are waiting on someone as well, and one of the girls, who is probably six or seven, is running around while waiting. She’s not being wild or causing trouble, just very energetic. She stops and looks at the various cardboard cutouts of movie characters that are positioned around the lobby, and then she comes up to me and pauses.

I smile and give her a little wave, and she gasps and runs back to her mom. Just then, a man walks inside and over to join them, and the girl exclaims, “Daddy, I thought that lady over there was a poster!”

I’m flattered she thought I looked good enough to be an actress!

The Beach Is Full Of Little Nippers

, , , | Friendly | July 14, 2017

(I am sunbathing on the beach when a shadow hovers over me. I open my eyes and see it’s a young girl, probably four or five years old.)

Me: “Are you all right? Are you lost?”

Girl: “You have hairy nipples.”

Me: *taken aback* “Ugh, yeah.”

Girl: “Why?”

Me: “Because I’m a man?”

Girl: “Can I have hairy nipples?”

(Before I could respond, a woman (presumably her mother) appeared, grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her away, screaming so loudly about nipples that the entire beach stopped to take notice.)

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