This Kid Is All Talk

, , , , | | Friendly | August 20, 2019

(I’m babysitting a four- and a two-year-old. The two-year-old has just taken a toy from her brother.)

Me: “Give it back and tell him sorry.”

Two-Year-Old: “I can’t talk.”

Kids Can Be An Earful

, , , , , | | Healthy | August 18, 2019

(A mother and her eight-year-old come into the clinic. She says the kid was using the end of a pencil to scratch his ear the previous day and the eraser came off and he accidentally pushed it in while trying to get it out. She can’t get it with tweezers. I flush the ear to remove the eraser and notice a few things.)

Me: “There are clear signs of a swimmer’s ear infection. Fluid has been trapped behind that eraser for a lot longer than a few hours. The eraser would also not nearly be this… encrusted… after such a short time.”

Mother: “[Son] only told me about it yesterday. He said it had just happened. [Son], when did the eraser get stuck in your ear?”

(We both eye the child. He fidgets for a few moments before…)

Son: “Christmas break.”

(This is in MARCH!)

Mother: “What?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Son: *defiantly* “Well, it only hurt if I touched it and I don’t sleep on that side!”

(Kid logic is my job security.)

What A Little A**hole

, , , , , , | | Friendly | August 17, 2019

(My stepsister volunteers to watch a group of younger kids from her church. The kids are playing tag in a field and my stepsister is running around with them when her foot lands in a hole she didn’t see and she rolls her ankle. It hurts so much that she can’t stand up, and she has to go to the hospital. Later, one of the five-year-olds from the playgroup is talking to her mother about the incident.)

Five-Year-Old: *mournful* “It’s my fault Miss [Stepsister] got hurt.”

Mother: “Why is that?”

Five-Year-Old: “I knew about the hole, but I didn’t tell her. It’s my fault.”

Mother: “Why didn’t you tell her?”

Five-Year-Old: “I wanted to see what would happen.”

(My stepsister treads much more carefully around that particular child now.)

She’s Very Person-able  

, , , , , | | Right | August 5, 2019

(I am four years old or so when this occurs. My family and I are at a large store that has furniture, as well as some odds and ends. I wander to a cushioned swing on display in the store. I sit down, and the following happens. Note that I am visually impaired.)

Me: *to a worker hanging up decorations* “Hi.”

Worker: *sounding happy* “Hi.”

(I sit there for a long time and get scared because I don’t know where my mom is.)

Me: “Can you help me find my mom?”

Worker: “Sure. What does she look like?”

Me: “She is a person.”

(I can’t see what people look like very well.)

Worker: *laughing* “Let’s look for her.”

(I don’t know how she did it, but she found my mom. My mom thanked her and laughed.)

This Story Is Rated “18”  

, , , , , , | | Right | August 2, 2019

(I work in a small cinema in Bristol. Due to the release of a new horror movie, lots of people have been coming to watch it. I’ve just dealt with a large group when a girl who seems about twelve comes in, wearing a ton of blusher, deep red lipstick, and messy eyeliner.)

Me: “Oh, hello!” *smiles* “Can I ask what you are seeing today?”

Girl: “Oh, hi there! My girlfriends and I just had frozen yogurt and were bored. I think I’ll see… uh…” *pretends to make a big deal out of this* “Maybe… [Horror Movie]!”

Me: “Well, good choice, but can I see your ID, please?”

Girl: “Uh, what?”

Me: “Well, you must’ve realized that this film is rated eighteen and over, right?”

Girl: “Well, uh, I am eighteen!”

Me: “Sorry, kid, you have to be eighteen to watch this. Maybe you want to watch [Other PG Movies]?”


(She screams and kicks a popcorn machine in the back of the cinema, and then, when she presses something, popcorn pours out all over the floor.)

Me: “If you don’t leave now, I’m going to call your parents.”

Girl: “F*** you!”

(She runs out, and for a moment it completely silent, and then her mother storms in with her child.)

Girl: “She won’t let me see [Movie]!”

Mother: *glares at me* “Why not?”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has destroyed our popcorn, verbally abused me, and faked her age. All I asked was for her ID, and when she failed to produce that, I gave her other options.”

Mother: “Really? Well, come along now, [Girl]. You’re grounded! Say sorry to the nice lady… now!”

Girl: “I’m sorry…”

(As they walked out, I hear the girl saying, “You stupid b****!” I didn’t mind, though, when the popcorn was restocked and cleared up, and the manager gave me and every other worker in the cinema a free bag of popcorn. I was the most popular person in the cinema! Also, the girl and her mother never came back — double win!)