Hard As Snails

, , , , | Friendly | July 17, 2018

(I am in a pottery class at my summer camp. A young boy, probably about four, is making clay snails. The counselor teaching the class is talking to him about them.)

Counselor: “Where are its kids?”

Boy: “It is a kid!”

Counselor: “Where are its parents?”

Boy: “They died!”

(Everyone else in the room stares in silence.)

You’re An Ool To Trust Them

, , , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(Before I get in our new pool with our grandsons, I decide to explain a very important rule by telling a very old, very corny joke.)

Me: “Boys, welcome to our ‘ool.’”

(They both looked puzzled.)

Me: “I can see that you’re wondering why I called it our ‘ool.’ It’s because there is no P in it, and we want to keep it that way.”

(They burst out laughing. Two days later, their mom brings them to swim again. She and I are talking when the older boy yells:)

Grandson: “Uh-oh, Grandma! Now it’s a pool!”

Boys: Obnoxious At Three Months

, , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(I have just become a first-time father and am learning the ropes. I also really, really, really love spending time with my son, and everyone calls him a “serious Daddy’s boy.” He has just turned three months old and has figured out how to burp without much help. I always laugh and shout, “That’s MY BOY!” He also will randomly give you his version of a kiss, which is him putting both his hands on your cheeks, opening his mouth, and putting your nose in his mouth for moment, backing up, and smiling. He and I are playing together when he suddenly grabs my face and moves in for, what I think is, a kiss. He gets to about two inches from my face, gets a huge grin on his face, and releases a burp I cannot believe just came from a baby. He then starts cracking up. I’m sitting there, absolutely stunned in silence. My wife has exploded into laughter.)

Me: “Did… did he just…”

Wife: “YEAH! He’s done that to me a few times when you were at work!”

Me: “THAT’S MY BOY!”

Raising A Spicy Little One

, , , , , , , | Right | July 5, 2018

(I am running a sample table at a store, serving an artichoke dip. A young girl around 12 and her mother walk up to my stand.)

Me: “Hello! Would you like to try some artichoke dip? We are serving it with some really good crackers today.”

Young Girl: “Is it hot?”

Me: “Oh, no, we serve this cold.”

Young Girl: *rolling her eyes* “I mean is it hot, hot. Like spicy.”

Me: “No, it’s not. It’s just cream cheese, artichoke hearts, and some different seasonings.” *there is really nothing even remotely spicy in any of the ingredients*

Young Girl: *grabs a sample, barely licks it with the end of her tongue, screams, and throws the sample on the floor* “That is so hot! You liar! Liar!”

Mother: “How dare you hurt my baby?! I’m going to report you! You should have a sign that warns people when food is spicy!”

Me: “Sorry, but it’s really just cream cheese and artichokes. We do give warnings when something has anything spicy in it.”

Mother: “Are you calling my daughter a liar?”

Random Customer: “I am. Your daughter is a brat. Stop giving this lady a hard time and control your kid. This is not remotely spicy. Has she never eaten food before or something?”

Mother: “How dare you?! I’m going to report you, too!”

Random Customer: “You want to report a fellow customer? Let me know how that works out for you. I’ll be standing here ready to tell the manager exactly what really happened if you try to report this lady.”

(The mother took her daughter and stormed away, throwing another sample on the ground in the process. To my knowledge, she never reported me.)


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In Uncharted Waters

, , , , | Related | July 5, 2018

(In the early to mid-90s, our family is on a barbecue picnic outing with several other families in a park. I’m around nine or ten, and the other families all also have kids about my age, or even younger. The adults are all busy putting together side dishes, arranging picnic supplies, and grilling meat. Meanwhile, us kids are just milling around or playing. There’s a bunch of supplies people brought just lying around on the ground and tables. After running around a bit, I happen to become thirsty, but we don’t have individual water bottles back then. So, not wanting to bother the adults, I just go over to the supplies and pick out what looks like a perfectly normal liter-sized soda bottle with clear water in it, and begin taking a drink, not touching the bottle itself with my mouth. All of a sudden:)

Adult #1: “Noooo!”

Adult #2: “Stop!”

Adult #3: “No! No! No!”

Adult #4: “Oh, my God, [My Name]! Don’t drink that!”

(Totally confused, I pull away from the bottle while several adults come running over in a panic, and take the bottle away with shocked faces.)

Me: “What? I just wanted some water!”

Adult #2: “Oh, Lord!”

Adult #4: “[My Name], that’s vodka!”

Me: “What?!”

Adult #4: “Didn’t you notice the taste?”

Me: “…”

(I somehow managed not to notice. Even as an adult, I can’t tolerate the taste of alcohol, so I can’t figure out how I wouldn’t have noticed it then. Maybe I never actually got any in my mouth. The other kids thought it was very funny and kept asking me afterwards what it tasted like. That bottle was completely unmarked regarding what it really contained, though, and during the brouhaha, no one seemed to own up to having brought it, though clearly everyone knew what was in it. Who does that on a picnic outing with young kids?)

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