Sinfully Delicious

, , , , , | Friendly | September 16, 2017

(I am the cub scout leader for a group of awesome, if rambunctious, third graders. One of the requirements is that they discuss with their parents what their “Duty to God” is. They have to come up with a list of ways they can practice their beliefs, whatever those are. I am going around the room, asking what they came up with.)

Scout #1: “I put down going to Temple on high holy days.”

Me: “Excellent example!”

Scout #2: “I want to make my first communion.”

Me: “That’s another good example.”

Scout #2: “…so I can EAT GOD!”

Onions Find New Ways To Make You Cry

, , , , | Related | September 15, 2017

I was a very loud, hyperactive, and rather undersized child of no more than four when this happened. My family had just finished a meal at [Restaurant], and being the walking cartoon character I was, I wandered off, only to spy the remnants of someone else’s meal at an unoccupied table.

There was something that, to my eyes, looked very appetizing, and I didn’t give a rat’s a** that it was half-eaten already, so I reached up and grabbed a fistful of what I innocently presumed was a dessert and crammed it in my mouth. It was not a dessert.

It was an onion blossom slathered in hot sauce.

I eventually made my way back to my family, and refused to eat onions in pretty much any form again until I was well into my teens. My mother could not for the life of her figure out why.

The Same Old Scam, I Kid You Not

, , , , | Right | September 15, 2017

(I cashier at a small mom-and-pop place in a fairly small town, nowhere near any major cities. On this day, two kids approach my register with a handful of various cheap candies.)

Me: “Well, hello there! Is this everything for you?”

Kid #1: “Yeah!”

Me: *totaling their purchases* “Okay, that comes to $9.59 exactly.”

([Kid #1] hands me a $10. I set it down on the counter while punching it into the register.)

Me: “Okay, and out of $10, that comes to—”

Kid #1: “I gave you a $20!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Kid #2: “He gave you a $20!”

(There is a pause as I stare at them in confusion.)

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry, but no, you didn’t.” *I pick up the $10 bill* “This is all you gave me.”

(Now the kids look confused.)

Kid #1: “But… the other boys at school said if we tell you we gave you a $20 you’ll give us more money back.”

(My heart sinks as I now realize what these kids are trying to do.)

Me: “I see. Well, first off, let me tell you what you did wrong. You’re supposed to wait until I put the money in my register and give you your change before you say anything.”

(Both kids’ faces light up.)

Kid #1: “Ooooh! That makes more sense!”

Kid #2: “Yeah, can you give us the $10 and let us try again? We’ll get it right this time!”

Me: “Well… no, because second off, what you’re trying to do is basically steal from the store. You’re trying to trick me by lying to me, and take money from the register that isn’t yours. That’s money the store needs to buy stock, pay bills, and of course, give me my salary.”

(Both kids faces now turn shocked.)

Kid #1: “Oh… sorry! We didn’t know, honest!”

Me: “I know you didn’t. Just might want to tell the boys at school what they’re doing is wrong.”

Kid #2: “Can we have the $10 back? We need it to go see a movie.”

(I handed back their money and voided the purchase. They left, hopefully now wiser and better, while I shook my head that apparently this well-known scam had spread so far that even the kids in my little “Nowheresville” town were being told about it and how to pull it off.)

The Bill Of Wrongs

, , , , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(We’re a small 60 seat cafe with extremely high turnover; from eight am until midday we can seat and serve 300 guests.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a booking for [Name].”

Me: “Right, your party of 17 is right over here.”

Customer: “Oh, what about the kids?”

Me: “Kids?”

Customer: “Yes, we booked for 17 adults, but we’ve got our kids. You’re going to need to find some seats.”

Me: “How many?”

Customer: “There will be 42 of us.”

Me: “Dude, that’s half the restaurant. We have bookings all day; if there are 42 of you, we can’t accommodate you.”

Customer: “That’s okay, the kids can just play and sit on their parents laps.”

Me: “Sure, fine, your table is right here.”

(This party trashes the cafe; the bathroom looks like a rugby team has been practicing in there. There is food from one end of the place to the other. The kids have drawn on the walls behind their parents’ table. Disaster. We lose 200 customers on this day, and we’re looking at a five-figure black hole of turnover, plus the repair bill. The worst part happens after they’ve finished.)

Customer: “Okay, so I had two poached eggs, toast, bacon, and two flat whites. Can you split that out of the bill please?”

(At this stage the bill is in four-digit territory, and I want these people out.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t split bills; here’s a calculator and a copy of your receipt.”

(The bill is 1.5 meters long.)

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re all going to pay separately. Otherwise, we’ll just leave; this is terrible service.”

Me: “You’re welcome to leave, sir. I’ll call the police now, and have them come down and arrest your party for theft of service, and vandalism for what your kids have done to my venue.”

Customer: “Maybe we’ll just pay.”

Me: “Thank you, sir.”

(It took this mob another 20 minutes of yelling and fighting with each other to sort out the bill. They tried to give it to me four times; each time it was short and got sent back. No tip. No apology.)

Last Time In Daddy Day Care

, , , , , | Related | September 13, 2017

(My wife and I went shopping together in a local store with our two little girls, who are about one and three years of age. The oldest is sitting in the shopping cart, facing my wife, and the youngest is in a carrier in the basket. Suddenly, the oldest reaches up and grabs my wife’s breasts.)

Wife: “[Daughter]! Why did you do that?”

Daughter: “Daddy does it!”

Me: *laughing as my wife hits me* “So much for not being caught!”

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