A Chip Off The Old Potato

, , , , , , , | Related | May 23, 2020

My four-year-old grandson is lying on the couch, popcorn at hand, eyes glued to his favorite Disney movie.

I walk in, see him, and say, “You’re the original couch potato.”

He replies, “Nuh-uh.”

“You’re not the original couch potato?”

“No.”

“Then who is?”

He points to his grandfather on the other couch and says, “Papa is.”

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This Is Not His First PG-13 Rodeo

, , , | Right | May 22, 2020

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Movie Theater]!”

Kid: “Twelve.”

Me: “What?”

Kid: “What?”

Me: “What?”

Kid: “Twelve!”

Me: “…”

Kid: “You asked how old I was, right?”

Me: “No, I said, ‘Hi, welcome to [Movie Theatre].’”

Kid: “Oh, well, I’m twelve. I have my ID if you want to see it.”

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The Real-Life Cookie Monster

, , , , , | Learning | May 17, 2020

This happens during our first “remote learning” class meeting with our statistics teacher after the quarantine starts. She’s trying to explain how things are going to go when she’s interrupted by her six-year-old daughter. We can only hear our teacher’s side of the conversation.

Teacher: “What? No!” *Back to us* “Sorry, guys. [Daughter] wanted to have cookies for breakfast.”

Classmate: “Oh! I had cookies for breakfast!”

Teacher: “NO! DON’T TELL HER THAT!”

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Family Paints A Bad Picture Of Itself

, , , , , , | Right | May 12, 2020

I paint faces at a theme park geared toward younger children. It’s 100+ degrees outside and I brought a drink in with me so that I could have a cup to drink water from our stand cooler.

A woman with three children comes up to the stand. One child is in a stroller while the other two, a boy and a girl, are following behind her. The girl is wearing a button from a prominent children’s group stating that she’s from New Jersey.

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you today?”

The customer points at a button on her daughter’s shirt.

Customer: “Does she get a discount for this?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t, but I can make your face paint extra special.”

The customer acts a bit offended but gets her daughter in the chair, and I do a free upgrade on the design. As soon as I’m done, she places her son in the chair and proceeds to let the girl run around and trash my stand while I paint his face. I say nothing but get the paint done rather quickly. The boy jumps down and joins his sister in messing up the stand.

Me: “Okay, ma’am, is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: *Sounding agitated* “How much do I owe you?”

I ring her up and give her the total. As I’m handing her the change, she screams.

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! THAT IS DISGUSTING! WHO’S IS THAT?!”

I look to see that her son has gotten into the storage area for our personal items, taken out my drink, and finished half of it.

Me: *Calmly* “Um, that’s actually mine.”

The customer turns an angry glare on me.

Customer: “It’s yours? Too bad.”

Me: “Ma’am, that was the only way for me to get any water today.”

Customer: “Oh, well. Come on kids!”

She grabbed her children and pushed the stroller away, leaving me to clean up the mess left by her children… including throwing away my half-consumed drink.

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A Fitting And Tasty Tribute

, , , , , , , | Related | May 11, 2020

My grandma was… eccentric, to put it mildly. She was a slight kleptomaniac, she took no s*** from anyone, she raised eight kids alone after her husband died, she worked at a chocolate factory for thirty years because it meant that she and her kids had a steady supply of candy, and she absolutely loved throwing parties and having people over.

When she dies, we decide to throw her the best wake we can, and as such, almost everyone who comes brings cookies, coffee, soda, sandwiches, PLENTY of chocolate, and maybe a flask or two. The funeral home has a couple of sitting areas set up in the basement, so we stake one out and turn the wake into an all-day affair, with people coming in and out as they can. 

A couple of other wakes are going on, as well, and toward the evening, we notice a little boy from another wake, maybe seven years old, sneak over to the sitting area we’re using, steal a couple of cookies, and run back.

Me: “Did he just…?”

Aunt: “Yeah. Man, I would not have had the guts to do that at his age!”

Cousin: “To be fair, that family has been here for at least five hours; that’s pretty long for a kid that young.”

Aunt: “And we definitely have the better snacks!”

I look, and sure enough, the sitting area that the other family is using has coffee and a veggie plate — nowhere near as attractive to a little kid as our overflowing array of goodies.

Me: “You know, I think Grandma would’ve approved. Remember when she stole the serving plate from the restaurant at [Uncle]’s wedding?”

That led into another round of stories about my crazy, awesome grandma and got us laughing too hard to be too upset. When his parents came down, the little boy kept glancing over, wondering if we were going to tell on him, but it was so much like something my grandma would’ve done that we couldn’t be annoyed. It was a nice laugh when we badly needed one!

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