Les Enfants Not-So-Terribles

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 18, 2018

I was flying back home from an event in Florida, and a woman sat down in front of me with a screaming infant. “Oh, this is going to be fun,” I thought.

Right then another woman with an active infant sat down next to me. She looked at the woman in front, then leaned over and said, “I guess this is your lucky day!”

If had been drinking something, I surely would have done a spit-take, it was so funny. That comment alone would have made up for any annoyances due to the babies.

After take-off she found a seat surrounded by fewer people, while the other tyke stayed remarkably quiet through the rest of the flight.

“Star Wars: The Halloween Special” Deemed Almost As Bad As “The Phantom Menace”

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2018

(A boy and girl are going around the neighborhood, trick-or-treating. The boy is dressed as a Jedi Knight, the girl as Princess Leia. They go up to one house and ring the bell. When the door opens.)

Kids: “Trick or treat!”

Boy: “May the force be with you!”

(The homeowner pulls back the bowl of candy, and gestures with his hand at the boy.)

Adult: “These aren’t the treats you’re looking for.”

(The girl started to cry.)

Little Girls Who Try To Beat The Crap Out Of Each Other With Plastic Golf Clubs Find Solace In Texting

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2018

When I was a little kid, my mom became the best friend of a woman who had a daughter around my age. The two of us would end up in forced playdates every time they wanted to hang out.

Since we both had terrible tempers and brought up the worst of each other, our relationship was tense at best and violent at worst. Our mothers didn’t seem to care. As we grew up, though, this changed. I realized that while we were sitting together on the couch, texting in silence. She looked up for a second and said, “This is way better than beating the crap out of each other with plastic golf clubs.”

I had to agree.

Some Children’s Manners Are In A Vegetative State

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2018

(I’m out grabbing some lunch on my break at work. A girl of about 12 notices me in the aisle and starts staring at me. I have quite a striking appearance: bright orange dreadlocks down to my bum, lots of facial piercings, heavy makeup, and very visible tattoos on my head and neck. I’m also wearing a floor-length afghan coat.)

Girl: *taps me on the shoulder* “Err… You know you look really horrible, right?”

Me: “This is what you’ll look like if you don’t eat your veggies or do as you’re told in school.”

(She shot me a bug-eyed, worried look and sped off down the aisle. I tried looking for a parent to tell them what had just happened, and maybe to teach their child some manners, but I couldn’t see anyone. Rude children irritate me.)

Halloween Horror, As Teenage Treat Turns Into Trick

, , , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2018

(This happens while I am outside handing out candy to kids coming around for trick or treating. A thirteen year old kid I know walks up to me with a couple of friends. I give three pieces of candy each to her and her friends.)

Me: “Have a happy Halloween; be safe.”

Kid: *starts walking away happily* “We will; don’t worry.”

(She gets to the end of my driveway and turns around a corner to where I can’t see her. I think nothing of it, but pretty soon I see someone who looks nearly identical to the kid from before, but wearing fewer parts of the costume she had on.)

Me: “[Kid], I know it’s you; you aren’t getting more candy.”

(She looked at me for a moment and, realizing that she’d been caught, lunged at my cauldron of candy, grabbing a handful of it before running off to her friends, who all ran off, as well, giggling, thinking they’d won. But I was still the one who had her parents right there next to me, who saw the entire thing go down.)

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