We’ll Assume He Got Up In The Afternoon

, , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2019

(My husband is singing nursery rhymes to our eighteen-month-old son. He starts singing:)

Husband: “It’s raining, it’s pouring! The old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head… and died.”

Me: *starts laughing*

Husband: “What? It’s implied!”

Making You Wish They Had Never Been Horn

, , , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

(Every now and then, someone will throw a birthday party at our theater, especially when we have an animated or superhero movie playing. It’s not uncommon for us, and we’re usually willing to accommodate and reserve a corner in the lobby so the kids can sit around and have cake and whatnot, provided the people throwing the party let us know in advance. This time as a birthday party is going on, I notice the parents are passing out something to the kids.)

Me: *muttering* “Oh, s***!”

Coworker: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “They’re passing out party horns to a bunch of six-year-olds!”

(Next thing we knew, we had kids running all over the lobby and blasting their horns. They got so loud, they ended up disrupting several movies and we had to refund customers’ tickets. The next day, the parents called the manager and apologized for what had happened. We never saw them again.)

Throwing In The Towel For This Year

, , , , | Right | December 31, 2018

(It is New Year’s Eve, and it’s INSANELY busy in our hotel. It falls on a weekend this year, so more people are out to celebrate than usual, and at least half of them have brought their children, and probably their friends’ children, as well, since most of the rooms have between two and four kids in them, some even more. To make matters worse, due to it being the end of the year, corporate decided to meddle in our scheduling for budget reasons, and we are incredibly understaffed for the volume of people we are taking care of. There are a great many issues during the night, but one recurring one is towels. The pool is forever running out of towels. One of the many guests approaches my desk.)

Guest: “Excuse me! Why aren’t there any towels in the pool?! How does a hotel run out of towels?!”

(She has four children in tow. Each one has a towel around their waist and one over their shoulders and a few have a third on their heads)

Me: *in as even a voice I can muster* “I don’t know, ma’am. I’ll get right on that.”

(We actually ran out of towels because most people were taking the dirty ones to their rooms and leaving them there, instead of putting them in the hamper by the pool, so there weren’t even any available to wash. Thankfully, it was only in the last hour of the night that we ran entirely out.)

Dispatch The Parents’ Rights

, , , , | Legal | December 30, 2018

(It’s a busy night at the 112 call centre, with calls coming in nonstop. I answer the next call.)

Me: “Good evening, police—“

(A small voice interrupts me.)

Child: “Where’s Mommy?”

(She sounds no older than three or four years old. Mostly when small children call, they are playing with the house phone. The child starts crying.)

Child: “I don’t know where Mommy is!”

(In the background I can hear a baby crying.)

Me: “What’s your name?”

Child: “[Child].”

Me: “Hello, [Child]; who do I hear crying?”

Child: “That’s my brother; he’s still very tiny.”

Me: “Sweetie, are you sure Mommy isn’t home? Is Daddy home?”

Child: *sobbing* “I can’t find them anywhere!”

Me: “[Child], just stay on the telephone. I’ll help you, and together we’re going to find Mommy. Where do you live?”

Child: *whispers the name of a Dutch city*

Me: “Do you know what street you live on?”

Child: “No.”

(The baby has stopped crying. While I keep chatting with [Child] about her teddy bear, I ask a colleague to trace the call. The phone number is registered to an address in the city [Child] mentioned. I dispatch the nearest surveillance car to check on [Child].)

Me: “[Child], could you please go upstairs and look out the window? Do you see a police car?”

Child: “No.”

(The surveillance car checks in to tell me the former inhabitants of the address we found have recently moved and the neighbours don’t know their new address. While I am on the phone with [Child], a colleague gets a call from a man who sees a small child in the window of a house with no lights on. Concerned, he’d rung the doorbell, but no one answered. My colleague immediately sends the surveillance car to the address.)

Me: “[Child], do you know how to read?”

Child: “No. Wait, I see a police car!”

Me: “Can you open the door for the police and give them the telephone?”

Child: “Yes.”

Officer: “We’ve got them. The parents aren’t home. We’ll take them with us.”

(Later that night the parents came to pick up the two children. They had been to the movies. They couldn’t get a babysitter but thought the kids would be okay alone because they usually sleep through the night. The parents got a very stern talking-to and child protection services were notified.)

This Clever Girl Is On The Extra Nice List This Year

, , , , , , | Related | December 24, 2018

(While with a friend and her daughter, my daughter and I are having lunch and people-watching. The kids are pretty close to finished, but get distracted by a kid a few years older having an absolute meltdown. She is accompanied by her elderly grandmother, who is attempting to balance herself with a can while helping this kid into her coat. The following conversation ensues:)

Grandmother: “Please get your coat on, [Child], because it’s too cold outside to be without it!”

Child: “No, I will not! I don’t have to listen to you! You are stupid and mean and I’m not done playing!”

(This continues in the same vein for a few minutes, with the child getting louder, attempting to hit her grandmother, and getting a bright red face. The grandmother nearly falls, and a dad sitting nearby helps steady her. Before any adults can say anything, my friend’s daughter walks over to the other girl, and very calmly says:)

Friend’s Daughter: “You know Santa can see you, right?”

(The girl having the tantrum immediately shut up and turned an even brighter shade of red, and tears started streaming from her face. As they left, we could hear her blubbering about how Santa wasn’t going to come, and the grandmother, clearly trying to hide a smile, saying that maybe they could get her back on the nice list.)

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