You Can’t Stay Here And That’s The Naked Truth

, , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(It’s May, and a guest walks in to get a room. I go about putting in the info and pulling up his name then see that he’s on our “Do Not Rent” list. I tell him I can’t rent to him and he’d have to stay at another hotel.)

Guest: *in a whiny voice* “But why?!”

Me: “Well, it’s noted that you were seriously intoxicated the whole time, you wouldn’t stay in your room, and you were naked through it all.”

Guest: “But that’s what I wanted to do.”

Me: “Well, you can’t do that here.”

Guest: “But I came here to be safe!”

Me: “But all our other guests obviously don’t feel safe with you around.”

Guest: “Well, how long ago was that?”

Me: “Last February.”

Guest: “But that was so long ago!”

(By this point I’m looking at him like he’s an idiot.)

Me: “Not really.”

Guest: “What am I supposed to do, then?!”

Me: “Go to another hotel.”

Guest: “But—”

Me: “There’s one down the street.”

Guest: *quietly* “Thank you.” *walks out*

Giving You His Two Cents Twice

, , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(A customer picks up a $0.39 pack of gum.)

Customer: “Hey! Is this with tax included?”

Me: “No, sir, tax is added at the register.”

Customer: “Then, why is it 39 cents? It should be 35 cents. The other store had it for 35 cents!”

Me: “Sir, here our gum is 39 cents.”

Customer: “Well, give it to me for 35 cents.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t do that.”

Customer: “That’s f****** ridiculous! I can’t believe you’re willing to lose a customer over four f****** cents! I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS STORE AGAIN!”

(The customer stormed out of the store only to come back the next day.)

Expects Everything But The Kitchen Sink

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(A customer custom-orders a large amount — over $1000 worth — of solid brass hardware for kitchen cupboards from one of our vendor’s catalogues. A week later, she returns it and custom-orders another large amount of kitchen hardware. This, too, she returns a week later. She tries to place a third custom order.)

Me: “I should let you know in advance, ma’am, that we are no longer allowed to return special orders placed from here on out.” *I point to the policy which is on the counter*

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our vendors will not accept returns on opened items.” *I gesture to a box with her two previous returns in it* “We are stuck with merchandise that’s difficult to move, and it’s a major financial burden on a store our size. Why don’t we order one pull for you to see and decide if you like it?”

Customer: “I won’t know if I like the look until I’ve had them all installed in my kitchen for a few days! This is unbelievable! This is why small businesses are going out of business. No customer service!”

(At this point, she hurls one of the cabinet knobs at me, knocking down a display.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, we are only going out of business because we deal with unreasonable expectations from customers. You have five seconds to get out of the shop before I call police.”

Blowing Nothing But Hot Air

, , , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I am an apprentice glassblower, learning under a master artisan who has been in the business for over 30 years. One day, I’m working on a piece while my boss works with tourists, answering questions and explaining what I am doing.)

Tourist: *to me* “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Boss: “I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have! He’s working on a time-sensitive piece.”

Tourist: “Uh, no. Excuse me! Excuse me!”

Boss: “Really, please don’t interrupt him. I’m more than happy to answer any questions.”

(The tourist is quiet for a minute, and then starts climbing over the railing to get to me. My boss grabs him back, and I abandon the piece I’m working on to get on the phone to security.)

Tourist: “I just wanted to ask a question, and I knew that old guy wouldn’t know! Is that so hard?”

Me: “What the h*** could you have to ask?”

Tourist: *pointing* “Is that fire hot?”

Don’t Know What Lead Them Here

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I work in a home improvement store, mixing paint.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need some lead-based paint.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lead-based paint.”

Customer: “I bought some here the other day.”

Me: “Lead-based paint has been off the consumer market since 1978, sir; we don’t sell it.”

Customer: *blank stare*

(At this point the customer and the woman with him proceed to walk down the aisle where our paint is kept, swearing they bought lead-based paint from us. They pick up a can of paint and turn it over to read the back of the label.)

Customer: “See?! Right here! Lead-based paint!”

Me: “That’s a warning against sanding on surfaces coated with lead-based paint, sir; it’s printed on every can of paint we sell.”

Customer: “Then what am I holding?!”

Me: “Oil-based paint for metal.”

Both Customers: *blank stare*

Customer: “Can I get it in white?”

Me: “It’s premixed white.”

(They then walked off without saying another word, and I bid them a good rest of the day.)

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