Orange Alert! Orange Alert!

, , , , | Right | December 13, 2019

(I’m an associate about to clock in from break. I don’t work in produce, but when I walk by, a customer gets my attention.)

Customer: “I need a two-pound bag of oranges.”

(I think that’s what she said. It sounded like “tuber pack.”)

Me: “Oh, oranges are over there.” *points*

Customer: “I need a two-pound bag of oranges.”

Me: “Okay, well, I need to clock in, as I’m technically on break right now, and then I can help you.”

Customer: “A two-pound bag of oranges!”

(I give up and walk over to the oranges, pick up a bag, don’t care how heavy it is, and hand it to her.)

Customer: “Oranges. Oranges!”

Me: “These are oranges!”

(The customer sighs.)

Customer: “I guess these will do.”

(She was standing in front of a display with multiple types of bags of multiple types of oranges and somehow wouldn’t handle them herself. And yes, I was late clocking back in.)

Putting The Pay Into Paper

, , , | Right | December 13, 2019

(I work as a clerk at a small-town newspaper. Two mornings a week, I fill in at the circulation desk, taking calls from people who have questions about or problems with their paper delivery.)

Customer: “My paper has stopped being delivered!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m seeing on your account that your paper has expired.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a bill.”

Me: “Your account says that we mailed you one on [date]. I’m sorry if you didn’t receive it.”

(The customer makes a big deal about not getting any bill, how was she supposed to know that she had to pay, etc. I apologize a few more times for her not receiving a bill, but there’s nothing I can do about that.)

Me: *trying to get a word in edgewise* “I can take a payment over the phone with debit or credit card if you’d like to start receiving your paper again tomorrow.”

Customer: “No, no, I always pay cash! Everything always by cash!”

Me: “Okay, well, you’ll have to come in to the office, then.”

Customer: “You mean the only way I can get the paper is if I pay for it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that’s the way it works.”

Customer: “That’s some s***!” *hangs up*

Best Of The Decade! 2011

| Right | December 13, 2019

Dear readers,

Welcome back to our walk through the last decade of Not Always Right! Starting with 2010 yesterday, today we tackle 2011, the year that we lost Amy Winehouse, had a royal wedding, and Twilight was in the throes of popularity according to at least two of our story titles!

It was also the year we published the following highest-voted stories of the year. Enjoy!

 

10. The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4

Bookstore | Canada

(The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

Me: “Oh, why not?”

Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

(He hung his head in shame.)

 

9. The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3

Bookstore | USA

Customer: “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?”

Me: “Yes, they’re over here.”

(I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.)

Me: “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. What about this one?”

(They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-”

Customer: “Are there any werewolves?”

Me: “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.”

(The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all 70 copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.)

 

8. You Couldn’t Make It Up

Telemarketing | USA

(My job is to call people and pitch the brand of make-up my company sells. I call and an obviously really young girl answers the phone.)

Little Girl: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I talk to the lady of this residence?”

Little Girl: “That’s me.”

Me: “I mean, may I talk to your mom?”

Little Girl: “I have two dads.”

Me: “Oh well, never mind, then. Have a nice day!”

Little Girl: “Wait! Why did you call?”

Me: “I’m selling make-up.”

Little Girl: “Oh! One of my daddies loves that stuff. It makes him look pretty when he goes dancing! Let me give him the phone! Dad! Dad! Some girl wants to make you look pretty!”

 

7. Apparently Bad Parenting

Restaurant | USA

(I walk into the kitchen and see a toddler reaching for a knife, blade first. I run and grab him before he gets it. He cries, but I let him play with my necklace while I take him back out to his mother, who is attached to her cell phone.)

Mother: “Oh, my God!”

(I hand him to her.)

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, he’s fine, I just–”

Mother: “I’m calling the cops! You tried to kidnap my son!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Mother: “I saw you! You had my son!”

Me: “Yes, I found him in the kitchen.”

Mother: “You took him in there!”

Me: “Why would I do that?”

Mother: “Cause you want to be a mother so bad that you had to take my sweet boy!”

Me: “If I took him, why would I bring him back?”

Mother: “Stop distracting me!”

(She begins to dial 911. Another customer walks up. I recognize him.)

Officer: “Ma’am, hang up your phone. I’m a cop.”

(He shows his badge.)

Mother: “Arrest her!”

Officer: “Ma’am, I watched your son walk into the kitchen on his own accord. If anyone is getting arrested, it’s you for endangering the welfare of a child.”

 

6. Ah, Children

Coffee Shop | Canada

(A customer approaches with her two-year-old son in arms, and her five-year-old daughter. As she is about to order, a customer from a few minutes earlier storms in front of her. She is yelling and screaming incoherently, and throws her drink on the counter.)

Daughter: *to her mother* “Mummy, why is the lady yelling?”

Mother: “Never mind it, she’s just being rude.”

(The little girl scowls, and points at the customer.)

Daughter: “You cut that out right now! You need to be more polite!”

(Taking example from his sister, the toddler starts pointing and yelling.)

Toddler: “BAD! BAD!”

(The irate customer is embarrassed. She shuts up and storms out. The little girl gets a free hot chocolate.)

 

5. Friends In Unusual Places

Post Office | USA

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a parcel.”

Me: “May I have your tracking number, please?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your tracking number. All of our parcels have tracking numbers which the sender can give you if you do not have it.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it?”

Me: “Because I didn’t send you the parcel.”

Customer: “So, who did then?”

Me: “Sir, do you not know who sent you the item?”

Customer: “No, but my neighbor just had something delivered and I want one too. So send me something now!”

(The caller then muffles the phone and I can hear what sounds like sobs.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: “I’m so lonely and I just wanted to get a present!” *more sobbing*

Customer: “I’m so lonely!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Never mind, I’ll go now…”

Me: “Sir…wait. We do have a parcel for you. I just need to confirm your address to send it to you. It will be there this afternoon!”

(After he gives me his address, I have a quick whip around the call center and we get a card signed by the team, put in a few chocolate bars with other happy bits and pieces, and send it to him. He calls the next day and thanks us all. Now, he rings once a week on average, and we are all happy to chat with him.)

 

4. How To Make Them Silent As A Mouse

Call Center | USA

(I work engineering support late in the evening.)

Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

(Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

(The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

(I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office and up to his desk.)

Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with– Oh. Hold on. Someone is in my office.”

(I reach down and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

Caller: *click*

 

3. 27 Stresses

Retail | USA

(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

(Their mother walks over.)

Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

Me: “Go ahead!”

(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”

 

2. Love A Jedi Shall Know

Grocery Store | USA

(I was at work and I saw two girls from my college I knew as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I had a crush on one of them as she was really pretty and seemed nice for the most part. I watched as she and her friend approached the register.)

My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”

(I assumed they were gossiping about something until I listened a little more to the conversation.)

Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”

My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin’. The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you!’.”

Her Friend: “No!”

My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh hey [my name]! What’s up?”

Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you’.”

My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”

(Her friend scowled, but they paid and said goodbye. I watched as they got to the automatic doors. Her friend pretended to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumped in front of her.)

My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)

 

1. Making A Hug(e) Difference

Clothing Store | USA

(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face, when a six year old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)

Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”

Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”

Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”

(He shakes his head.)

Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”

 

Check back tomorrow, for our 2012 roundup!

The Wrongest Number Got You

, , , , | Right | December 13, 2019

(I spend several years taking in-bound calls for infomercials. Every day is an adventure. We have a lot of people who write an infomercial phone number down at two in the morning and the next day can’t remember what the product was.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “What the… Who the h*** is this?”

Me: “This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Uh, what number did I call…?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure. There are several thousand possibilities of products that lead to my phone; were you watching something on TV?”

Caller: “Well, yeah, but isn’t this where the ‘me so horny’ girls call you back?”

Me: “Uh… No! We take orders off of infomercials you see on TV. You must have written it down wrong.”

Caller: “F***! That just ruined my whole morning.” *click*

Sometimes You Have To Be A Panini-meanie  

, , | Right | December 13, 2019

(It’s usually quiet but a rush of people just came in and a big queue has formed. A customer just came in and stared at our self-serve fridge where we keep sandwiches and such for a good few minutes before joining the queue empty-handed.)

Customer: “What paninis do you have?”

Me: “They’re in the big fridge there.”

Customer: “Oh. Are any of them vegetarian?”

Me: “Yes, the mozzarella one is, if we have any left.”

(We have a very large number left.)

Customer: “I couldn’t see any.”

Me: “I guarantee you we have them.”

Customer: “Well, can you get me one?”

Me: “They’re in the fridge over there.”

(The customer looked like she was about to protest but I ignored her and served the next customer. I have a low tolerance for people who want to be waited on hand and foot. That’s not how the place is run, but some people don’t seem to get that.)

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