My friend makes one-of-a-kind accessories such as bags, belts, jewellery, etc., which she sells online and at local markets. I have one of her handbags which I use every day, and I often get random people commenting on it. 

One day, I’m shopping in a smallish independent clothing store. There are only two other customers, a mother and her teenage daughter, and the cashier in the shop.

Girl: “Oh, I love that bag.”

Me: “Thanks. I do, too.”

Girl: “Where are they? I want one.”

Me: “Sorry, but this isn’t from here. My friend made it.”

Girl: “Give it to me.”

She holds her hand out.

Me: “No, I’m not giving you my handbag. You can find similar ones at some markets, or she sells them online. Each one is a one of a kind.”

Girl: “No, I want that one. Give it to me now!”

Me: “Yeah, not happening.”

I turn away to look at something and she grabs hold of my bag and pulls on it. I just swing my body away, causing her to stumble.

Mother: “What the h***?! You just assaulted my daughter. Give her the bag now!”

Me: “Look, your daughter tried to take my handbag. I didn’t touch her.”

Mother: “So, she wants the bag. You need to give it to her. You can get another one.”

Me: “Lady, I’m not giving her my handbag. Now back off.”

Mother: *Screaming* “Help! This b**** just assaulted a minor and stole her bag. Help!”

Cashier: “You! You’ve both been warned before about causing problems in here. You both need to leave.”

Mother: “What?! She just assaulted my baby and stole her bag. Call the police. I’ll have you both arrested and the shop shut down.”

Cashier: “I saw the whole thing, and so did the cameras which also record audio. Now you both need to leave unless this young lady wants to press charges for attempted theft.”

The daughter started crying while the mother turned some interesting shades of red before pushing a display over and grabbing her daughter by the arm, and they both ran out the door.

I helped clean up the display but decided against pressing charges. After speaking more with the cashier who turned out to be the owner, I found out that they’d only just been allowed back in the store after harassing an older lady over a pair of glasses that the mother wanted. I was given a discount on my purchases and passed along my friend’s details. Now, the shop sells my friend’s accessories and I work part-time in the shop.

I work as an assistant manager at a popular chain restaurant that’s located within an upscale department store. We had a regular customer comes in with his family and is an absolute pain in the backside. He complains about waiting times, service times, food quality, etc., every time he visits in order to score discounts on his bills which often exceed £100. He is pretty obnoxious and rude to the staff in general and we all know him by sight.

One night, we are full — no seats available — leading up to closing time and this guy is standing in the queue moaning to every member of staff that passes by about how long the wait is to be seated.

I recognise him and decide I am not going to give him the excuse to complain this time. I do absolutely everything I can to make sure he gets seated ASAP and that his meal and service are impeccable. Things go well, and he is being uncharacteristically civil.

The guy and his family finish up. He comes up to the till and hands me a voucher for a large discount on his meal. To clarify, we have these cards in all our locations that advertise vouchers for customers who submit their email addresses. However, these vouchers clearly state that these offers are not valid in all locations and that this particular voucher is not valid at our restaurant.

I weep a little internally as I know what is coming.

Me: “Sorry, sir, this voucher was not valid at our location and I can’t apply that discount.”

Customer: “The voucher must be valid because I signed up for the email offers whilst physically in this particular restaurant!”

Me: “Sir, the terms and conditions specifically state that this location is not included in the offer.”

It is ten minutes past close, so this is all happening whilst the department store is shutting its doors and their floor manager is getting impatient.

Floor Manager: “What’s wrong?”

I explain the situation.

Floor Manager: “Just give him the discount.”

Usually, I would just go along with this, but the guy has racked up a major bill and I have had enough of his nonsense.

Me: *To the customer* “This voucher was not valid and you will have to pay the full bill.”

Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that I couldn’t use this voucher here?”

Me: “The terms and conditions on the voucher are very clear on this. I would suggest checking T&Cs on vouchers before trying to redeem them.”

This may sound a little abrupt, but I have already pointed this out several times by now.

Customer: “Call your boss.”

I do. My boss is home, asleep, and rather understandably irate.

Boss: “The voucher is not valid. The customer does not get a discount. Use your judgement.”

I put on my best “access denied” face and repeat what I stated previously.

Customer: “Right, you’ll just have to call the police, then.”

Me: “That really shouldn’t be necessary.”

Customer: “I’m not leaving until you give me my discount.”

His wife and kids are waiting in the department store doorway asking what the holdup is. Everybody in the store is getting annoyed now as they want to cash up and go home. I’m not having it this time. I have to make a decision.

Me: “Okay, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you your discount, but you’re not welcome at this location again.”

Customer: “You what?”

Me: “You’re effectively refusing to pay for the full price of your meal, so you have a choice: pay the bill in full or take the discount and don’t come back.”

Customer: “Oh, you’ve done it now. You have no idea what’s coming. I’ll be taking you to court over this.”

I am totally past giving a f***.

Me: “That’s fine. What would you prefer to do?”

Customer: “I want what you just said to me in writing so I can show it to my lawyer and your head office.”

In for a penny…

Me: “Okay, then.”

I take a pen and paper and write the following:

Note: “To whom it may concern,

This is to certify that [Customer] is no longer welcome at [Location]. [Customer] is welcome to visit other locations in the [Restaurant] chain.

Signed: [My Signature] 

Assistant Manager.”

Me: “Here you go.”

The customer is gobsmacked.

Customer: “Oh, you’ve really done it now. Wait until my lawyer sees this!”

I give the guy his discount, process the bill, and give him his receipt.

Customer: “You’ve not heard the last of this, I guarantee it!”

That was the last I heard of it.

I had just retired after twenty-four years in the military. I was done being a boss and just wanted to work without stress. Little did I know that retail is a nightmare. I worked for one of those big box stores as a product service associate. We did resets of merchandise on shelves.

I happened to be on the window blinds aisle when a very irate man came up to me demanding help. I calmly asked him what was wrong since he had a box of blinds in his hands. He started screaming at me.

Customer: “One of your coworkers messed up my blinds, and you had better motherf****** fix it or I will kick your a**.”

Me: “Please calm down.”

Customer: “I’m going to drag you out of the store and kick your motherf****** a** if you don’t fix it right away.”

Being hardened by my years of military work and somewhat taller than the man, I leaned over and said:

Me: “You’d better call a few friends first.”

Luckily, a manager had heard the commotion and came around the corner. As the guy went off on the manager, the manager told me:

Manager: “They need help in gardening outside; go help.”

So, out I went to an area I knew nothing about. Sure enough, a young teenager came up and asked me where the Salvia Divinorum was. As he finished talking, his dad walked up and asked the same thing.

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

Dad: “Why the h*** not? You work here, don’t you?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I actually work inside, but I’ll get someone for you.”

The employee I got was an agricultural specialist and he really knew his stuff.

Coworker: “What are you looking for?”

Dad: *Angrily* “My son is looking for Salvia Divinorum.”

Coworker: *With a huge grin* “We can’t sell that, sir. It is classified as a hallucinogenic by Mississippi and is illegal.”

All the garbage I’d taken in the last ten minutes was worth the death stare the dad gave his kid. Ah, divine Karma!

My carer and I are doing some shopping at a small local shop. We are about to enter when we are stopped by a female shop assistant.

Shop Assistant: “She’s not allowed in.”

Carer: “Why?”

Shop Assistant: “Social distancing rules. Everybody knows they can’t social distance.”

Carer: “Who can’t?”

Shop Assistant: “Those with special needs.”

We left to avoid confrontation.

Our place only sells chicken. A customer comes up to my register.

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “You can get me some chicken.”

Me: “What kind? We have fried, grilled, you could get a salad with chicken on it…”

Customer: “I said I want fried chicken. What could possibly be so hard to understand about that?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we have several options. You could get a sandwich, nuggets, strips… What would you like?”

Customer: “Fried chicken! I told you! I want a fried chicken sandwich. Why is this so hard to understand?!”

Me: “All right, sir, I can get that for you. One more question: would you like lettuce and tomato?”

Customer: “I just want a regular sandwich!”

Me: “All right, that will be [total].”

After it’s too late for me to put sauces into my register…

Customer: “Oh, can I get the house sauce?”