Customer: “I want [coffee drink].”

Me: “Is that hot or iced?”

Customer: “Iced! Always iced! Water can’t get cold enough that drinking it can injure you in a way hot water does!”

The customer is strangely urgent about this, but I don’t push it and just put her iced drink into the register.

Next Customer: *Looking at the first customer.* “B**** never had a brain freeze?!”

Customer: “I need my wiper blades fixed.”

Me: “I can get that done for you.”

Customer: “Really? I mean, no offense, but wouldn’t it be easier to get one of the guys to do it?”

Me: *Calling into the back of the auto shop.* “Hey, guys! This customer out here thinks it’ll be easier to fix wiper blades using a penis instead of your hands! Kinda weird but the customer’s always right… right?!”

I look back at the customer, who has gone pale.

Me: “I assume that’s what you meant, as that’s the only thing those guys have got that I don’t.”

He remains silent, and one of the guys comes out from the back, laughing, and tells the guy he’ll work on his car using his hands, if that’s okay…

I work in transportation logistics. Most of my drivers are awesome. Sure, we might butt heads sometimes, but most of them are salt of the earth and amazing people.

But then… I have a few that I would like to say are “special.” Either the rules do not apply to them, or the idea of reality only applies to them when it suits them.

ONE of these drivers (I have about five of them), whom I will call Bob (Bob is not his real name), makes me want to ram my head into walls, in hopes that I find the stud in the wall. I am absolutely convinced that Bob does not think for himself. He just acts, and if something happens, it’s never his fault.

The other day Bob called me in a frantic panic. He is upset and starts immediately blaming me (the manager) for the reason for his panic. Here is what transpired:

Bob: *Screaming at the top of his lungs on the phone.* “[Manager]! This is YOUR FAULT! YOU MESSED UP HUGE THIS TIME!”

Me: “Okay… what did I supposedly do?”

Bob: “Well, see, I was at the receiver, and I got out of the truck. And I saw that the passenger side tire had a HUGE nail in it. So, I pulled the nail out, and now the tire is losing air, and it’s now almost flat! I put the nail back in, and now it isn’t leaking air… but you can see what YOU did here! The tire is FLAT!”

Me: “Okay… I have multiple questions here. First: you said you pulled a nail out of a tire, and it immediately went flat?”

Bob: *Scoffs.* “NO! It’s been losing air for a while now. That nail has been in the tire for two weeks. But when I pulled the nail out, it lost more and more air, making it flat. I stopped the leak by putting the nail back in the tire.”

Me: “So… let me get this straight. You have been driving on a bad tire and have known that your tire is almost flat for a few weeks now. You haven’t notified the team or me about this. Furthermore, you saw a nail in the tire this morning and pulled the nail out of the tire, releasing what little air is left, but put it back in.”

Bob: “YES!”

Me: *Trying to not to pop a blood vessel or head desk myself into a stupor.* “Let me put this in another perspective for you. For over two weeks, you have failed to do a proper pre-trip and write up a bad tire. You have driven on the bad tire, knowing it was bad, so if you had ever been pulled over by the DOT, you would have received a ticket. I am re-emphasizing this point, Bob; you saw a nail in the tire and pulled the nail out of the tire, and are acting shocked that pulling a foreign object out of a tire would lead to air leaking out. This is the LAST time I am giving you an out to correct your statement… I am being very generous here.”

Bob: *Pauses for like a minute as the brain processes.* “Well… I guess… that’s… one way to look at it. But… I didn’t do anything wrong!”

I will be honest; I should have left it at this and moved on. But I am a logical person. One must go to two, two to three, and so on. So… I couldn’t let this go. I was hypnotized by the sheer stupidity of this entire situation. So, I had to keep going… and hindsight being what it is… I wish I hadn’t because of what Bob said next:

Me: “Okay, Bob… I must ask this another way because I feel that you think that this isn’t your fault, and you are going to blow it off. But I also feel that you need to learn a lesson here as well. Let me give you an example here. Say this same situation occurred on your personal car. Would you have driven on a bad tire and pulled the nail out?”

Bob: “What do you think I am… Stupid!? I wouldn’t do that to my car in any way. I wouldn’t do that to anyone’s vehicle.”

Me: “Then why did you do it to the company truck!?”

Bob: “That’s different… and it isn’t my fault!”

At this point, I had to end the call and go walk around the building. Bob and I are going to have a LONG talk when he gets back to the office…

I’m making burritos for some women. I get to the bean options for the first woman:

Me: “Black or pinto.”

Customer #1: “No, I’m White.”

Me: “…”

Customer #2: “Girl, what do you mean? You’re here for a burrito, not a college application! Pick yo beans!”

After that, ‘pick yo beans’ became a running joke among my coworkers and me whenever we misunderstood or didn’t hear something right away.

Me: *Taking a call.* “You’ve reached [Pizza Place].”

Caller: “I just got my pizza from you guys, and it’s too hot!”

Me: “Oh, well, if you just let it sit for a few minutes, it should cool down.”

Caller: “Why should the customer be the one putting in the hard work of waiting?! Next time, you guys wait longer before delivering it!” *Click.*

Seriously, the hard work of waiting?