I work in a fairly high-end wine shop that has an extremely knowledgeable customer base, so I am used to dealing with people who have a pretty good idea of what they like or want.

Customer: “Can you recommend a red wine under $20?”

Me: “Sure, any type in particular?”

Customer: “No, just a red wine.”

Me: “Okay… How about this Cabernet Sauvignon for $18?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want Cabernet or Pinot or Zinfandel or anything… just plain red wine.”

Me: “…?”

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t want one of those wines that’re made from a grape variety, just, you know, plain, regular red wine.”

Me: “…?”

Customer: “Like this one, over here!”

They point to a bottle of Aglianico del Vulture, with the words “red wine” in very small print on the label.

Customer: “See?! ‘Red wine.’”

Me: “Um, that one is made from a grape too. It’s Aglianico.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll just take something that’s really smooth.”

Our store closes at midnight on weekdays; weekends our store closes at 1:00 am. Due to this, we do not have a message telling our customers our store is closed on weeknights. I am also known for doing voice impersonations and have joked with the managers that I could take the place of the message on weeknights.

Customer: “Hello? Hello? Hell-f******-lo? Anyone there?”

General Manager: “Welcome to our [Store]; we’re closed right now.”

Customer: “F*** no, you ain’t! It’s 11:59!”

General Manager: “Our clocks read 12:01. We’re closed.”

The customer curses us off and drives away.

Me: “Can I please do the impersonation now?”

General Manager: “Yes.”

Dear readers,

Very few single items from the last decade are as iconic as the iPhone. This little touch-screen kicked off the smartphone era back in 2007, so it’s about the same age as our website! However, as long-time readers will be painfully aware, just because phones are getting smarter, doesn’t mean their users are. We’ve gone into the depths of our app-store to surface (Microsoft pun!) 23 stories about people who should have stuck to their flip-phones.

Wired For The Stone Age – Old man versus new technology doesn’t go the way you expect.

Lost A Sense Of Irony – This person was stupid enough to lose their phone, and even more stupid to ignore the irony that followed.

This Is Not The Android You Are Looking For – So THAT’s why  Samsung sued!

(more…)

The customer points to a bulk container of pretzels.

Customer: “Do you have any containers like this that are bigger?”

Me: “I’m sorry; that’s the largest package of pretzels we carry.”

Customer: “Not just pretzels. Anything; it’s the jar I need. My mother went deep-sea fishing and caught a little shark. We need a jar about this—” *indicates a size of about a foot by two feet* “—big to put it in.”

My workplace is situated in an outdoor arcade with shops down each side and stalls in the middle. I have been frequenting a stall close to my shop for years, buying drinks and chatting with the owner on my lunch breaks. I am smoking a cigarette as I buy a drink.

Owner: “Busy today?”

Me: “Nah, pretty quiet.”

Owner: “We’ve had a few through. Here you go, that’ll be $2.”

Me: “Thank—”

Just as I am handing my money over, something from behind me hits me in the face and knocks off my glasses. Then, I feel a whack across my wrist, causing me to drop my cigarette.

Lady: *Screeching* “You’re disgusting! Disgusting filthy smoker!”

An old lady has whacked me in the face with her walking stick!

Owner: “Hey!”

The owner reaches over the counter and snatches the lady’s walking stick right out of her hands.

Lady: “That’s mine! Give it back.”

Owner: “Not a chance. I’ve told you before about bothering people around here. I’m keeping it this time. Now, get lost before I call the cops and have them book you for assault!”

The lady grumbled a bit and left without her stick. It turns out that she regularly bothers smokers in the area, hitting them with her stick and slapping “No Smoking” stickers on their faces and in their hair. This wasn’t even the first time the owner had taken her stick away!

I gave the owner a big tip and we’ve joked about the crazy No Smoking Lady ever since.