Beguiling Bagels

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work at a deli which makes all its sandwiches in the morning, and sells them until they run out. We do not make sandwiches on demand.)

Customer: “Hey, could you make me a ham and cheese bagel?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we only have what’s in the cabinet right now.” *points to the three salmon bagels we have left*

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Customer: “…so, could you make me a ham and cheese panini?”

Knows How To Push Your (Belly) Buttons

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work the seafood counter, but it is joined with the meat market. Sometimes the seafood staff have to watch to meat counter for a while. For a few weeks, we have this elderly man come in and try to play pranks on the employees.)

Coworker #1: *in meat department* “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Elderly Man: “Yes, I would like your best pork belly buttons.”

Coworker #1: “Umm… I will have to ask my boss. One moment.”

Coworker #2: “Sir, pork belly buttons don’t exist.”

Elderly Man: “Well, of course they do!”

Wife: “Leave them alone! I am sorry.”

(A few days later, I am working both counters.)

Me: “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Elderly Man: “I would like some pork belly buttons, young lady.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but your reputation precedes you. Pork belly buttons do not exist. Is there anything that I can actually get you?”

(He laughed at this.)

Wife: “Leave the girl alone!”

Me: “Oh, no worries, ma’am; I already know who he is. Is there anything I can get for you guys today?”

Elderly Man: “I like you!”

(After that he stopped asking, but if I was working, he would smile at me when they passed by.)

How Do I Say This Without Sounding Like An A**-Hole?

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I am working at [Retailer] as an overnight stocker when a customer walks up.)

Customer: “Can you tell me where to find mustard?”

Me: “It would be my pleasure. It’s on aisle two.”

Customer: “Which aisle is that?”

Me: “…the aisle with the big two over it.”

Marijuana Helps With Memory Loss

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I’m a cashier at an arts and crafts store. A customer left her wallet behind earlier that day, and has come back to get it.)

Me: “Is this your wallet?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you! I really need it; it has my weed card…”

Now It’s A Party!

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work in a fine-dining establishment as a chef. Working in a college town, I get a lot of self-entitlement from customers. A drunk college girl bursts into the kitchen.)

Drunk College Girl: *yelling* “It’s Stephanie’s 21st birthday, and our waitress won’t sing to her!”

Me: “We don’t do that here.”

Drunk College Girl: “Well, why the f*** not!?”

Me: “Because it p***es off all the other people in the restaurant, and none of our staff have the time or the interest to honor Stephanie and her stupid birthday.”

(Guys at the next table slow clap.)

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