This was a few years ago, so dialogue is approximate. Before you read on, know that everything happened with the full approval of the couple.

I was a guest on the bride’s side at this wedding. For various reasons, she only had her father, while the groom had a very big family. And they were all determined to make individual speeches. The groom had done his best to shut them down, but they were insistent.

Bride’s father stood up and gave the speech you’d expect. Then the groom’s father, with a very long speech. Then the groom’s mother, even longer. Then, having spoken quietly to the couple, the bride’s father stood up again.

Father Of The Bride: “You know, I used to be a cop, and this place was on my beat! This is going much better than the last time I was here – I had to deal with a couple getting randy in public. Here are all the details. By the way, I have lots of stories like this, and I’ll be giving you another one after every speech from the groom’s side!”

No more speeches. Everyone was relieved. And the bride’s father didn’t have to buy a single drink all night.

I’m working the night shift at a convenience store. A middle-aged lady walks in, grabs a few beers and a bottle of champagne, and comes to the counter to pay. The total is around $30 plus some change.

She puts the stuff on the table and hands me $10.

Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t enough.”

Customer: “I don’t have a job, and I’m a single mother.”

Me: “That doesn’t change that $10 isn’t $30.”

Customer: “You’re a terrible person, and you’re disrespectful to women and single mothers.”

I grab the beer and the champagne and put them under the counter.

Me: “Please leave.”

Surprisingly, she complies, and I go about my business.

Around fifteen minutes later, she walks back into the store, but this time starts talking to me in a manner that I can only describe as aggressive begging.

Customer: “Let me have the drinks.”

Me: “I can’t give you free drinks.”

Customer: “Buy them for me.”

Me: “I’m not doing that.”

Well, this is enough to make her go ape, and she starts grabbing boxes of Cheez-Its and crushing them with her hands.

At the time, I was honestly confused, and I didn’t know what was going on. At the time, I was a teenager, and I’d never encountered a customer like this before.

Me: “Hey! Stop!”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll stop!”

But then she goes and grabs more beers and a bottle of champagne, and says:

Customer: “You’re a jerk! For being mean to me, I’m taking these and leaving!”

Me: “You leave with those, and I’m calling the cops.”

Customer: “You do that and I’ll tell them you hit me.”

Me: *Pointing at the camera.* “And that was caught on the camera, was it?”

Customer: “I’ll tell them you hit me off camera.”

I haven’t noticed, but another customer has walked into the store during this exchange.

Other Customer: “The police aren’t gonna believe you, lady, because they kicked you out of another store yesterday when you were pulling the same s*** you’re trying to pull here! They’re gonna show up, recognize you, and kick you the f*** out!”

The other customer turns to me.

Other Customer: “Call the cops. They know her by name.”

Customer: *Throwing the beer and champagne on the ground.* “You all hate women!”

She runs out, and I’m left to look at the beer and champagne that have, miraculously, survived being thrown to the ground.

Other Customer: “She’s gonna try it at another store tomorrow, I bet, God help whoever works there.”

Me: “I’m glad you were here!”

Other Customer: “I’m not!”

Fair answer!

I bartend at an extremely large bar in an extremely large restaurant. We usually ran with three bartenders (two regular bartenders and one on “service bar” to make the servers’ table’s drinks) on a Saturday night. There are close to fifty seats at the bar. 

Tonight, we were packed. All the seats are taken, and there are guests standing at the bar. The other bartender had split for quite some time to check on a food order in the kitchen, leaving me with fifty-plus customers for over ten minutes, but I was doing it. I was on fire, taking drink orders, food orders, and slamming out drinks with attentiveness, although it was obviously stressful.

Three dudes come up, I put napkins down, greet them, and tell them:

Me: “I’ll be with you shortly.”

In a proficient tornado, I finish the immediate customers before them who had ordered before the guys showed up, finish making their drinks, putting their food order in, etc.

I spin around to the guys, who have waited no more than two minutes.

Me: “Sorry for the wait, what would you like to drink?”

The guy in the middle looks annoyed and says loudly and angrily:

Customer: “Oh, now you’re ready for us?!”

I should add that I’m extremely affable, friendly, and quick to smile, all of which they had received to this point. My face drops, and I ROAR at him:

Me: “YES! NOW I’M READY FOR YOU!”

His buddies immediately laugh at him and hide their faces with menus. He retorts:

Customer: “Oh, you can’t handle how busy it is?”

I roar back:

Me: “It IS busy, and I AM handling it! Extremely f****** well. Can I make you a drink?!”

They ordered, his buddies snickered some more, no complaint to the manager, and they tipped well.

Customer: “Yeah, I want a chicken supreme sandwich.”

Me: “Sure thing. Did you want any sides?”

Customer: “Yeah, get me some tater tots, and a soda.”

Me: “What soda and size?”

Customer: “Small Coke Zero.”

I ring up the order, and he pays. A couple of minutes after receiving the order:

Customer: “What the f*** is this?! I asked for extra mayo! There’s hardly any mayo in this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t hear the request for extra mayo. I can remake that if you like.”

Customer: “Make me a new one, but I’m keeping this one!”

Since we would have thrown the sandwich anyway, we let him keep it, but some of us think this was a ploy to get a second sandwich for free.

He’s back next week, with a similar order. I remember him:

Me: “You wanted extra mayo on that chicken supreme, right?”

Customer: *Shocked that I remembered.* “Uh… yeah.”

Me: “Awesome, that’ll be [total]!”

As was the case the previous week, he’s at the counter again a couple of minutes later:

Customer: “What the f*** is this?! I asked for a cookie as well as the tater tots!”

Me: “Sir, you didn’t ask for a cookie—”

Customer: “—I d*** well did and you’re going to give me one for free for forgetting it! And I want a refund for you p***ing me off!”

I get my manager involved, who ends up giving the a**hole a cookie, but refusing the refund. After he’s gone:

Manager: “That the same jerk from last week?”

Me: “Yup.”

Manager: “Okay, new rule for that guy. Repeat every order he gives back to him, and ask if there is anything else. Every time. He’s doing this on purpose.”

We all agree, and word spreads. Luckily for me, I still get him on week three, as he comes in the same time every week:

Customer: “I want a chicken supreme sandwich.”

Me: “That’s a chicken supreme sandwich. Would you like anything added or taken away from that, or served as it is?”

Customer: “Uh… extra mayo.”

Me: “One chicken supreme sandwich with extra mayo. Would you like anything removed from the sandwich?”

Customer: “…no lettuce.”

Me: “One chicken supreme sandwich with extra mayo, hold the lettuce. Are there any other modifications you would like made to the sandwich?”

Customer: *Angry.* “No!”

Me: “Would you like to order any sides?”

Customer: “Tater tots.”

Me: “That’s tater tots as a side. Is there anything else?”

Customer: “A cookie.”

Me: “That’s a cookie. Is there anything else?”

Customer: “Stop repeating back every item like I’m some kind of re***d!”

Me: “Sir, that’s to make sure I get the order correct.”

Customer: “Well, it’s annoying!”

Me: “Almost as annoying as when customers claim the order was wrong and demand a refund along with free food, which is why this policy was put in place.”

I stare at him pointedly, and he backs down, having just enough dignity to look sheepish.

Me: “Now, was there anything else?

Customer: “And… a Coke Zero.”

Me: “And a Coke Zero. What size?”

Customer: “Small.”

Me: “And a small Coke Zero. Is there anything else?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “So that was a chicken supreme, extra mayo, hold the lettuce, an order of tater tots, a chocolate chip cookie, and a small Coke Zero. Is that everything?”

The customer looks angry, and is about to say something equally angry, but my staring shuts that down, and he just says:

Customer: “…yes.”

Me: “Excellent, that’ll be [total]!”

And wouldn’t you know it, for the first time in weeks, his order was correct!

I work in a superstore that has two sets of male, female, and disabled bathrooms on either side of the store. We’ve closed one set of the male bathrooms so that some contractors can repaint them.

Our manager, who is relatively new to retail, is looking over the paperwork for the job.

Manager: “Why have the contractors been given three days to paint the bathrooms? They could do that in one and a half, easy.”

Me: “Just you wait and see.”

Within five minutes of opening the store, a customer walks up to the closed male bathroom, looks at the “closed” display blocking the entrance, sees the giant hanging “bathroom closed for painting” on the door, steps over a physical barrier, and walks straight in.

Within seconds, he’s being chased out by one of the contractors:

Contractor: “No, you can’t just pee around me!”

Me: *To my manager.* “That. Fifty more times today. That’s why.”

Those poor contractors were interrupted so many times, regardless of how many extra barriers we put up outside the door (and no, we couldn’t lock them for fire safety reasons).