Don’t Cross The Crossing Guard

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work as a crossing guard at a summer camp that has the parking lot and some of the camp on one side of a not-all-that-busy road and the rest of the camp on the other. Every day at around 10 am a group of 3- to 5-year-olds and three adults from a local day care comes and uses the pool for an hour. I stop traffic to cross them from the parking lot to the pool at 10 and again at 11 for them to go back. One day, after I’m done crossing them back, a minivan stops and the driver rolls down the window.)

Driver: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes? Can I help you?”

Driver: “You do this to me all the time!”

Me: “What?”

Driver: “Every time I come this way you always stop me!”

Me: “Well, I am the crossing guard—”

Driver: “Every f***ing time, you single me out and stop me for no reason.”

Me: “Did you not see the group of kids crossing the road to their bus?”

Driver: “I have friends in the [Town] police department! Stop me again and I’ll call them!”

Me: “Seeing as I’m protecting small children, and you’re trying to run them over, I’m pretty sure they’ll be on my side.”

(The driver rolled up the window and sped off. I never did hear from these so-called police friends.)

Beguiling Bagels

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work at a deli which makes all its sandwiches in the morning, and sells them until they run out. We do not make sandwiches on demand.)

Customer: “Hey, could you make me a ham and cheese bagel?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we only have what’s in the cabinet right now.” *points to the three salmon bagels we have left*

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Customer: “…so, could you make me a ham and cheese panini?”

Knows How To Push Your (Belly) Buttons

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work the seafood counter, but it is joined with the meat market. Sometimes the seafood staff have to watch to meat counter for a while. For a few weeks, we have this elderly man come in and try to play pranks on the employees.)

Coworker #1: *in meat department* “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Elderly Man: “Yes, I would like your best pork belly buttons.”

Coworker #1: “Umm… I will have to ask my boss. One moment.”

Coworker #2: “Sir, pork belly buttons don’t exist.”

Elderly Man: “Well, of course they do!”

Wife: “Leave them alone! I am sorry.”

(A few days later, I am working both counters.)

Me: “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Elderly Man: “I would like some pork belly buttons, young lady.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but your reputation precedes you. Pork belly buttons do not exist. Is there anything that I can actually get you?”

(He laughed at this.)

Wife: “Leave the girl alone!”

Me: “Oh, no worries, ma’am; I already know who he is. Is there anything I can get for you guys today?”

Elderly Man: “I like you!”

(After that he stopped asking, but if I was working, he would smile at me when they passed by.)

How Do I Say This Without Sounding Like An A**-Hole?

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I am working at [Retailer] as an overnight stocker when a customer walks up.)

Customer: “Can you tell me where to find mustard?”

Me: “It would be my pleasure. It’s on aisle two.”

Customer: “Which aisle is that?”

Me: “…the aisle with the big two over it.”

Marijuana Helps With Memory Loss

, , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I’m a cashier at an arts and crafts store. A customer left her wallet behind earlier that day, and has come back to get it.)

Me: “Is this your wallet?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you! I really need it; it has my weed card…”

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