That Sale Tanked

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(I used to breed reptiles on a small scale and sell supplies on the side from my home, but I have closed that business down. I still have the same cell number that was used for those listings. A guy calls looking for a fish tank while I’m lounging in bed with coffee.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any. Can I ask where you got this number?”

Caller: “Online, under pet stores.”

Me: “Okay, thank you. Sorry, but I closed my business two years ago. You can try the [Animal Clinic], though.”

Caller: “Where else can I get a tank? “

Me: “[Animal Clinic]. They are also a pet store.”

Caller: “How much? “

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know. You’ll have to go look.”

Caller: “Where is it?”

Me: “Do you know where the [Landmark] is?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m not sure of the exact address; I just know how to get there. It might be best just to look up the address.”

Caller: “Okay, what is the address?”

Me: “I don’t know. You’ll have to look it up.”

Caller: “How?”

Me: “Same way you found me. I’m sure Google will help.”

Caller: “What about [Store]? Do they have tanks?”

Me: “Um. Maybe. I’m not sure. You’ll have to go look.”

Caller: “I don’t want to drive into town for nothing.”

Me: *snorts out a laugh* “Okay, but I can’t help you.”

Caller: “Thank you for good customer service.” *hangs up*

Quentin Tarantino’s Muppet Fiction

, , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(After working in a theater for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to parents dragging their kids along to movies that would be considered inappropriate, but unless it’s rated NC-17 or has no rating at all, the most we can do is warn them. Every now and then, I’m thrown for a loop.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me why The Muppets has a PG rating.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I saw the movie myself, and the only reason I can think of is that there’s some mildly crude humor.”

Customer: “I have some of my friend’s kids with me. Are you sure it’s okay for them to watch?”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Yes?”

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 31

, , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I work for an company that does auditing for multiple stores around the city. Our current assignment is to make the inventory at a large store. The employees of the store all have bright blue vests, while us auditors all have dark red shirts with the auditing company’s name on them. A middle-aged man walks up to me while I’m scanning items in the toy aisle.)

Customer: “Hi. Could you show me where to find [Plumbing Product]? I can’t seem to find it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Customer: “What? Of course you do! You’re working right now!”

Me: “Excuse me. I meant to say that I’m not an employee of [Store]. I’m just doing inventory. I’m not familiar with this particular location.”

Customer: “It’s only going to take a minute! Come on, now.”

(At this point he’s about to grab my arm when I move away. I then notice a couple of [Store] employees who have watched the whole thing with great amusement. One of them comes up to us.)

Employee: “Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yes! This other guy refuses to help me!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but he doesn’t work for [Store]. He’s just there to do inventory.”

Customer: “What? How do you tell who works for [Store] and who doesn’t?”

(The employee gestures to her blue vest and then to my red shirt, multiple times, hoping the customer will catch on.)

Customer: “So, who’s going to help me?”

(We all had a mental facepalm, and the employee went to help the customer.)

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 30
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 29
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 28

Intolerant Of Your Gluten-Tolerance, Part 2

, , , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

After making me put the kitchen on allergy alert and cook her catfish on tin foil with no seasoning due to “severe gluten and dairy allergies,” a customer asked for a biscuit.

I told her they have both butter and gluten in them, and she responded, “Oh, well, I can have a little.”

Intolerant Of Your Gluten-Tolerance

Childhood Innocence Is A Gift

, , | Right | March 21, 2018

(In the store where I work, we offer to gift-wrap the items that are purchased. Since we do this all year round, we generally have it down to a science. A customer and her little daughter buy a gift. I wrap it and do my regular swirl to gather up the ribbons in a bow.)

Little Girl: *upon seeing the bow* “Wow! Are your hands magical?”

Me: “Yep, everyone at [Store] has magic hands. They hand them out when we start working.”

Little Girl: “Oooh.”

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