You Toy With Me I’ll Toy With You

| NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

(I answer the phone. The caller is male; I am female.)

Me: “[Grocery], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Your hold music is awesome.”

Me: “Thanks… What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Do you sell…” *giggles* “…sex toys?”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Caller: *still giggling* “Oh, well, my girlf—” *I disconnect the call*

(Later, when I’m relaying the story to a coworker…)

Me: “I should have said ‘no, you’ll have to find another way to go f*** yourself.'”


Refunder Blunder, Part 25

| CA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this, please.” *hands me a deodorant*

Me: *takes the cap off and sees that the container is empty* “I’m sorry, I can’t return this. It’s already been used.”

Customer: “Exactly. So I don’t need it anymore.”

Me: “…”

Refunder Blunder, Part 24
Refunder Blunder, Part 23
Refunder Blunder, Part 22


Must Be Where They’re Storing Their Brain

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(The customer currently rents a 10×10 unit.)

Customer: “I don’t want to pay for my whole unit; I’m not using it all.”

Me: “OK, I have smaller units avail—”

Customer: *interrupts* “NO! I don’t want to get a truck to move, but I don’t want to pay the full amount. I just want to pay what I’m using.”

Me: “I apologize, but that’s not how that works. Because we can’t rent out the rest of that space, you have to pay the full rent or move to a smaller unit.”

Customer: “Fine, I’m moving everything out into another facility.”

Me: “You’re going to move everything out to a new facility, but not into a unit down the building from where you are?”

Customer: “Yeah, because you’re f****** stupid!”


Heavy Drinking Is Not In His Jeans

| UK | Bad Behavior, Transportation

(My friend gets on a train to somewhere in London one evening, while a bit drunk. He doesn’t remember what happens next. The next day, he’s woken up by a ticket attendant. Note that there are several families on the train by this time, including young children.)

Friend: “Where am I?”

Attendant: “You’re in Bognor Regis, sir. And it’s ten in the morning.”

Friend: “Sorry, I must have fallen asleep. Would it be okay if I stayed on the train?”

Attendant: *casually* “You’re welcome to do so. Just as long as you put your jeans back on.”


Someone REALLY Needed That Coffee

| IA, USA | Food & Drink

(I work at a popular chain donut shop. Most run 24/7, but our particular branch opens at 5 am and closes at 10 pm. It’s been that way since the store opened; hours are posted on both entry doors. To avoid confusion when the openers and bakers are inside, we keep the lights off inside and outside lights when not open. Typically, this is only a problem at night, mainly people trying to order from drive-thru. We’ve had people sit there, go back and forth over the sensor, shout “hello” repeatedly, and several pull up to the windows and try to order there. Openers typically unlock the entry on arrival, but keep lights off until open. Again, this is usually only a problem with drive-thru. A guest wanders in at 4:30 am.)

Guest: “Helloooo? Is anyone here? Helllllooooo!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re not open yet. It’ll be another half hour before our registers will let us take orders.”

Guest: “Why wasn’t anyone watching the front?! I’ve been waiting five minutes to order a coffee!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry. It’s just we’re not open yet, so we didn’t expect anyone to be up here.”

Guest: “I want a coffee. Five cream, seven sugar, hazelnut flavor. Make sure it’s fresh. I don’t want something that’s been sitting out here, tasting all burnt.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, we’re not open for another half hour. The register won’t let me take an order until at least five minutes to open.”

Guest: “I also want three donuts. Which ones are the freshest?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, we’re not open. All these donuts are fresh right now, but I can’t sell them. The registers won’t let me ring them in.”

Guest: “Why can’t you sell me donuts? Whatever. Just the coffee, five cream and seven sugar. FRESH. ”

(My coworker usually brews a pot when she gets in for herself, and seeing as this guest isn’t getting it, decides to make her drink anyway. Coworker warns her (again) our registers won’t ring anything in, so she’ll have to pay cash. She emphasizes this, and the guest agrees.)

Coworker: “”All right, so what size would you like that?”

Guest: “Hazelnut, five cream, seven sugar.”

Coworker: “Yes, but what size would you like it?”

Guest: “HAZELNUT. Five cream, seven sugar.”

Coworker: “Yes, a hazelnut coffee, but what SIZE would you like it? Small, medium, large?”

Guest: *almost shouting* “FIVE CREAM. SEVEN SUGAR!”

(My coworker gives up and starts making a medium. The guest watches and waits until my coworker is done to inform her she wanted a large. My coworker REMAKES it in a large, only to finish and have the guest demand a fresh pot, despite my coworker explaining the coffee was not even ten minutes old, and then she claims it is my coworker’s fault she has to remake it again because the guest had mentioned she wanted it fresh. Then the she tries to pay with card. Of course, we still have no way of processing this, and she’s upset. We basically give her coffee free to get her to leave. FINALLY, the guest starts to leave. She turns around at the last minute.)

Guest: “You guys forgot to turn on your lights. How do you even forget that? It’s dark as h*** in here!”

Me: “Oh, it’s fine. We turn them on when we open. We don’t open for another 15 minutes, so we have time.”

Guest: “You’re open now. Aren’t you open now?”

Me: “No… that’s why all the lights are off, the chairs are up, and the donut racks aren’t fully stocked, and why you needed to pay in cash.”

Guest: “If you’re closed, why did you make my coffee?”

(She finally left, shaking her head and grumbling how it shouldn’t be so hard to get a coffee.)

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