(I am a photo specialist at a retail store. This takes place after a customer prints a 4×6 from a square original.)

Customer: “Why is my picture cut off?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, since our dimensions are set, the machine will automatically center the picture. Since it was square, the rectangle won’t fit the full picture.”

Customer: “Well, fix it.”

Me: “I would be more than happy to fix the crop so it shows the main focus of the picture, or change it to a square to show the full picture at [price].”

Customer: “Why does the 4×6 cut off a square picture?”

(Slightly taken by surprise at the question.)

Me: “You are trying to get a rectangle picture from a square original; something will be cut off.”

Customer: “Well, that should be specified! No one will be able to know a rectangle will cut off a square picture!”

(She then walks off without any photos as I try to fully comprehend the conversation.)

(I work part-time in a medium-end clothes shop at the weekends. An elderly lady comes into the ladies department I am working in. Note that this customer is not once rude nor does she raise her voice, just is quite hard to get through to.)

Me: “Hi, do you need any help with anything today?”

Customer: “Do you have a top with ellies on it?”

Me: “Umm… sorry, what?”

Customer: “Wee ellies.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t understand what word you’re saying. Wee what?”

Customer: “Little elephants.”

Me: *sighs internally at this oddly specific request but I grab a tablet to search our website online* “Oh, right, okay. I don’t think we do have any in the store, but I will check the website.”

(I search but to no avail.)

Customer: “Aw, that’s terrible. I really wanted a top with my wee ellies on it.”

Me: “Yes, sorry about th—”

Customer: “I was in [Different Chain Store] in [Other Town #1] and I saw they had some in my size but I didn’t take it, and I returned the week after and they were gone.”

Me: “Oh, that’s unfortunate; sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “Yes, I really wanted them to wear with my wee pantyhocks.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My wee pantyhocks as I call them. Nice trousers I have with elephants on them!”

Me: *laughs nervously* “Oh, right, okay. Sorry we couldn’t help.”

Customer: “Thank you.” *walks away and turns back* “You can’t check your website to see if [Different Chain Store] has them?”

Me: “Erm, no, sorry but this only shows stock available from our store.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “It just seems to be what you want is what we don’t have unfortunately.”

Customer: *tears up* “This has been a terrible weekend for me.”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that; I hope everything is okay?”

Customer: “No, I am visiting here from [Other Town #2] and staying in a B&B. I was sitting on the bed this morning to tie the lacers on my shoes and the bed collapsed underneath me!” *walks away*

(I then retold the story to one of my supervisors and spent five minutes laughing with tears rolling down my face.)

(I am working the fish department when a customer comes up to me, smelling very strongly of marijuana. His eyes are bloodshot and his pattern of speech is a bit off.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Do you have liquid food for fish? My baby fish are too small for normal food.”

Me: “Um, I really don’t think so since they would be breathing it in and that’s not good for them. But we can look?”

(I lead him to the fish food section.)

Me: “It doesn’t look like we do. What are you feeding the adult fish?”

Customer: “Flakes but they are too big!”

Me: “Maybe you could just crumble the food smaller for them?”

Customer: “You know what? That could work… Thank you!”

(Not sure how he thought fish were going to eat liquid food while they are floating in water.)

(A customer comes up to the counter with a novelty mug in a box. The mug has ‘S*** Happens’ on it. It’s all of 10 dollars.)

Customer: “I wanted to buy this and when I picked it up the box nearly fell apart! I almost dropped it and I want you to know that if I had, there’s no way in h*** I would pay for it!”

Me: “I’m sorry the box nearly fell apart. Would you like me to get you another box for it?”

Customer: “No. This is what’s wrong with the world!”  *she slams the mug onto counter and the box goes flying off the counter* “I want nothing to do with your store ever again!”

Me: *unable to contain myself and risking getting fired* “Well, as the mug says…”

Customer: *storms off*

(I work at one of the largest real estate and property management firms in the world as a help desk analyst. Now and then IT security will send out a fake phishing email to test users and to educate them on phishing messages. These usually have some enticing message with a link that leads to a video that educates the users on phishing, including why they should NOT have clicked on the link. This morning, they apparently felt like we weren’t getting enough calls and sent out one of their messages. This one said that management wanted to have the employees take a survey to make sure they are meeting the needs of the employees (that should have been the first clue). After taking the survey the employee might get a gift card (yay, another clue!). Throughout the morning the calls were all very straightforward, and then this call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service desk. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I received an email about an employee survey, but when I clicked the link it just gave me a video. There was no survey! Can you help?”

Me: “The email that you received was a test and educational message that was sent out from INFOSEC. The video just goes over the dangers of clicking links in emails from unknown senders, especially those that promise things like gift cards.”  *thinking she is afraid there might be a virus or something* “There is no danger to your computer and we don’t need to run any virus scan. Everything is okay.”

Caller: “I watched the video, but it never gave me the survey! I think there is something wrong with the survey.”

Me: “Ma’am, the video is all there is. It’s just to educate you about phishing. It even explained in the video why the email you received should have been deleted.”

Caller: “So you mean there is no employee survey?”

Me: “No… There is no survey. Just the video telling you that you did bad by clicking on the link. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “No, but I still want the survey.”

Me: “Thank you for calling.”

(Some people simply cannot be helped.)