The Real Issue To Address Here Is You

, , , , | Right | February 24, 2018

(I work in customer service at a manufacturing company. Usually, customers send in their purchase orders via fax or email, but some prefer to do over-the-phone orders. On this particular day, the caller ID comes up as a customer that is known for being cranky on a good day, and I usually pray that he asks to be transferred to another desk.)

Me: “Good morning. [Company #1]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: *already sounding a little cranky* “Hi, I’d like to place an order.”

Me: *internal cringe* “Okay.” *even with caller ID, we have to confirm details* “What company are you from, sir?”

Customer: “[Company #2].”

(Since many of our customers have similar names, I always confirm the address to make sure I am entering the order under the right customer.)

Me: “And that is [Company #2] located out of [address]?”

Customer: *immediately irritable* I’ve ordered from you before.”

Me: “Yes, I know; I’m just confirming that I have the right company.”

Customer: *more irritated* “It’s not being shipped to us. You don’t need our address.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir, but I still need to confirm your company address just to make sure I am putting the order with the right customer.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Yes, that’s our address.”

Me: “Okay, and what can I get for you today?”

Customer: *very quickly and not very clearly* “I’d like a [Part Number #1], [Part Number #2], and [Part Number #3] to [His Customer] at [address].”

Me: *cringing* “I’m sorry, sir, but could you slow down? That was a [Part Number #1] and what else?”

(The customer is immediately angry again, and he rattles off the same order and the whole customer address again before I can finish entering even the parts they are ordering.)

Me: *panic level rising* “I’m sorry. I’m going to need that address again. What is the customer name?”

Customer: *almost yelling now* “I said, [whole customer address, slurring the city name beyond recognition].”

Me: *confirming* “And that was [His Customer] out of [Town]?”

Customer: *screaming at the top of his lungs* “LISTEN! I SAID [entire address, very clearly this time since he is yelling in my ears].”

(We luckily don’t get very many rude customers, so I am not used to being yelled at, and I am almost about to cry. I try to make my voice drip with politeness and up the number of “sirs.”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I am listening, sir. That was [His Customer] out of [address], correct?”

Customer: *still angrily* “Yes.”

Me: “And how would you like that shipped, sir?”

Customer: *affronted* “Are you new?”

Me: “No, sir. I’ve been here over a year.”

Customer: *suddenly the calmest he’s been the whole time, almost cheerful* “Oh. Well I’d like it shipped [ship method].”

Me: “Okay. I think we’re all set, sir. Is there anything else that I can help you with today?”

Customer: *still inexplicably cheerful* “No, that’s all. You have a nice day, now!”

(After I hang up, I look over and see my fellow office clerk staring at me.)

Clerk: “What was that?! I could hear him yelling all the way over here!”

(Luckily, that customer has been mostly civilized since.)

When You’re Drunk, Everything Is Vegan

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2018

(I’m waiting in line for a pizza stand behind a pair of customers. Both of them appear to have one too many drinks in them. They are there to get dinner for their friend.)

Customer #1: “I think he’ll like the pepperoni pizza.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, but it has to be vegetarian. Do you know if pepperoni is vegetarian?”

Customer #1: “I don’t know. It might be.”

(They continue this discussion of whether or not pepperoni is vegetarian until they get to the front of the line.)

Customer #1: *to vendor* “Excuse me, is the pepperoni vegetarian?”

Vendor: “No, it is not.”

Customer #1: “Okay, I’ll have a slice of cheese, then.”

Vendor: “I’m sorry but we’re all out of cheese.”

Customer #1: “My friend is a strict vegan, so he can’t have pepperoni. Do you think it’ll be okay if I just take the pepperoni off?”

Vendor: “W—”

Customer #2: “Yeah! He won’t mind! If we take it all off and tell him it’s vegan, he should believe us!” *to vendor* “One slice of pepperoni pizza, please!”

Vendor: *brief pause* “Okay, that’ll be [price].”

(The friends pay and leave as I make my way to the front of the line.)

Me: *through laughter* “Do they know vegans can’t eat cheese, either?”

Vendor: “They’re about to find out!”

Stupidity On Display

, , , | Right | February 24, 2018

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you have any more of these vacuum cleaners?”

Me: *after checking my PDA* “No, sorry. We’re all out.”

Customer: “Well, can I buy the display model, then?”

Me: “No, sorry. We can’t sell the display model; it’s non functional.”

Customer: “But I want to buy it.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t sell it. It doesn’t work. All the insides were removed; it’s just an empty shell.”

Customer: “Okay, but I want to buy it. Can I just buy it?”

Me: “No, we can’t sell it. Look: even the power cord was cut off. This thing is just a display.”

Customer: “But I can still buy it, right?”

Me: “Sir, this vacuum isn’t even ours to sell. The supplier provided it for this display; it’s their property.”

Customer: “Wow. I’m never shopping here again.”

No Point Doing Flips Over Chips

, , , , , | Right | February 23, 2018

(I work the night shift at a gas station. One night, a man walks in very cautiously with glazed, bright-red eyes, in his pajamas, reeking of weed. The man slowly walks over to the drinks and gets a tea, then to the chips and picks up a bag of Fritos. The customer pays and walks towards the door.)

Customer: *stops in front of the door, examines the chips* “Aww, man! I wanted Doritos.”

(I let him put it back and grab the Doritos, since they’re the same price.)

Customer: “Gee, thanks, man… You’re the best!

(I think I made that stoner’s day!)

A Scrabble To Get The Scrumble

, , , | Right | February 23, 2018

(We are a fairly small bookstore.)

Me: “Welcome! Is there a book you would like to purchase?”

Customer: “Yes, please! I can’t remember exactly what it was called… um… Something like… Scrabble?”

Me: “Well, Scrabble is a board game, but we have the children’s book Scumble, by Ingrid Law.”

Customer: “What? You stupid b****, I’m looking for the book Scrabble, not a board game.”

Me: “Well, ma’am—”

Customer: “I can’t believe you think I’m so stupid to the point where I can’t tell a game from a book! Ugh!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you buying this for a friend?”

Customer: “Yes! Here, let me get my son to send a picture of the book.”

(A minute or two goes by, while she gets a picture of the book.)

Customer: “Here it is!”

(She shows me a picture of “Scumble” by Ingrid Law.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is the title of the book I just told you we had in stock.”

Customer: *sputter* “But… but… Whatever! Just give me the God-darned book!”

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