(A customer comes to the drive-thru at a time we would class as off-peak, where there are only three of us plus a manager in, and everything is made to order. Generally we manage fine and only get very small lines of customers who don’t mind waiting once they know it’s all fresh.)

Customer #1: “I want seven boxes of twenty chicken nuggets, and fifteen burgers — two with extra cheese, five without pickles — and fifteen packets of fries, but I want three of them unsalted.”

Me: *struggling to keep up with the demands* “Okay, your total is [total]. Drive to the first window to pay, please.”

(They pull up to the window. I explain that it’s going to take a while to prepare the order, so I ask them to park up and tell them that I will bring it out to them when it’s done.)

Customer #1: “Oh, it’s fine. I’ll just wait here.”

Me: “No, really I am happy to bring it out for you. If anyone else has a basic order like a drink, it means we can serve them and let them on their way while we wait for your food to cook.”

Customer #1: “Nope. You just focus on getting my order done, buddy. I’ll move when I have my order.”

(I walk away, as they obviously aren’t going to move, so I try to muck in and get the order done as quickly as possible. Much to my annoyance, we suddenly get a long line of cars pulling up outside, going all the way around our restaurant. More orders come in while we are stuck, unable to serve people behind with orders for drinks, desserts, and basic sandwiches that can be made up so quickly. Eleven minutes later, we finally have everything made up and send them on their way.)

Customer #2: *shakes head* “What was that all about? I could hear them yelling impatiently from back there!”

Me: “Yeah, sorry for your wait there. Just dealing with a big order.” *hands them their order* “Here is your order. Would you like any sauces with that?”

Customer #2: “These fries are soggy. I want new ones.”

Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll get some new ones put in for you now. Would you like a free drink while you wait? Then, if you could just park up there, that would be great, and I’ll bring it right out to you.”

Customer #2: “It’s fine; I’ll just wait here.”

Me: *screams internally*

(I worked here for a year, and two years before that in retail. Between the two jobs, I must have lost about ten years from my life expectancy with stress and despair. On my next shift, I walked in and presented my manager with a letter of resignation, and promised myself I would never work in a customer-facing role again.)

Customer #1: “What is cotton made out of?”

Customer #2: “Oh, you know, the stuff that slaves pick.”

Customer #1: “I’ve got another question for you. I want to bring this roll of twenty-five yards of fabric home, cut it into curtains, hang it up, and if I like them, I’ll come back and pay for it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow product to leave the store without it being purchased.”

Customer #2: “What’s wrong with you?! You can trust her! You must live a pathetic life not being able to trust people!”

(I am the last person serving at my cinema before close. An obviously drunk guy comes in with his girlfriend to buy a load of tickets to our final show of the night.)

Me: “Okay, that comes to [price]. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “You could give me a discount on the tickets.”

Me: “Oh, did you have some of the [vouchers given to customers with tickets that can be redeemed for money off their next purchase]?”

Customer: “No, but you’re going to take some off the book and backdate the stamp for me.”

Me: “No, I’m not. That’s strongly against our policy.”

Customer: “But a girl did it before!”

(This argument goes on for a while before he finally gives up, swears at me, and demands a large popcorn.)

Girlfriend: “Uh, can I have a Coke, too, please?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Better make that a diet! Have you seen the size of her?”

(The girl is maybe a UK size 14 at a push — hardly fat, not that it would have made it any better if she had been. Regardless, her face falls and she stares at the ground.)

Me: “Did you want a regular coke?”

Girlfriend: *sadly* “No… He’s right. I better get the diet, I guess.”

(I poured her a regular and popped the diet sign on the lid. She took a sip and smiled at me, but cuddled up to him, anyway. His group showed up shortly after and they all went into the theatre together, of course leaving all their crap behind afterwards. I hope that girl came to her senses and got away from that eventually.)

(Our roadguard insurance covers quite a lot of stuff, like sending a road guard for repair on the spot or for towing your broken vehicle to a garage. It does not, however, cover the costs of repair at the garage — since these tend to be quite high — or any unforeseen additional hotel costs. Somehow, many people just assume certain stuff is covered, without carefully reading the terms and conditions. We often receive phone calls from people who don’t get it.)

Caller: “Hi, my car broke down in Germany, a while ago. I’m back home now, but I have a question. It’s [license number].”

Me: “Yes, I found it.”

Caller: “The repair costs at the garage were €150. Apart from that, I had to book a hotel for two nights, with some meals, making that a bill of €140. Can I get these covered?”

Me: “Unfortunately, sir, these costs are no part of our roadguard insurances. However, it might be possible to declare the unforeseen hotel costs at your travel insurance. Do you have a travel insurance, sir?”

Caller: “Yes, I do. So, I should declare the hotel costs there?”

Me: “Best thing you could do, sir. You should contact that insurance to check that.”

Caller: “But how about the repair costs?”

Me: *tactically* “Well… usually that is not a part of the roadguard insurance, either.”

Caller: “Well, I have been a member for ten years, and have paid my insurance premium every time, without any trouble or damage. I think that should be worth something. If not, why do I have an insurance?”

Me: “For road help, sir, which you got. We covered that.”

Caller: “Is there really no way?”

Me: “Well, you could try to declare the hotel costs through our declaration form. However, I can’t guarantee any success.”

(I’m just saying this in order to finish the call. I know this won’t work, but at least the guy will stop, and I have pointed out it might not work.)

Caller: “Okay, I’ll go to my travel insurance with the hotel bill. And I’ll try to declare the garage costs through your online form. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll simply terminate my insurance with you.”

(That means he won’t get any covered assistance at all next time. With an insurance, he could contact us and report his problem to us in his mother tongue, while we sent out the order to the foreign roadguard and covered the costs of that, which in a worst-case scenario can cost over €350!)

(It’s my first week working at a video game store. The store has a promotion where it’s giving out codes for a free legendary Pokémon. A man who looks incredibly high on something runs literally into the store before managing to make it through the door. He’s wearing an unzipped Pikachu jacket, a Pokémon T-shirt, and an Ash Ketchum hat.)

Me: *looking concerned* “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Meh!” *points behind counter* “Meh!”

Me: “Do you want an Arceus code?”

Customer: “Yeee!”

Me: “Okay, here you go, sir.”

Customer: *incoherent gibberish*

(He runs back out of the store, trips over a trash can, and then cuts a hard right before running off into the ether, leaving me looking really confused.)

Me: “What just happened?”

Coworker: “Oh, we call that guy ‘Obsessive Tom.’ Everytime something Pokémon comes out, he comes running in like that and does the same thing he did just now. We usually look forward to his visits!”

(I think I’m kind of looking forward to them, too, now.)