His Bigotry Is Self-Server-ing

| USA | Bigotry, Technology

(I work tech support configuring whitebox systems (computers built from parts bought separately). A customer wants a server built that will support a discontinued Microsoft operating system. I’m female and so is the caller.)

Me: “I designed the server for you but the manufacturer won’t certify that these parts will work with the operating system you want to use.”

Customer: “Well, I spent a lot of money on this software years ago and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Me: “Unfortunately, no one wants to spend time or money supporting a discontinued OS. You can purchase the server and try to install it, but you may not be successful getting it to work.”

Customer: “Who can tell me that it will work?”

Me: “That would be me. And I can’t tell you it will work because no one writes drivers for the software you’ve got.”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone qualified to tell me that it will work.”

Me: “I’m qualified. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years. I assure you that no one will certify it.”

Customer: “Let me talk to someone who isn’t like you.”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: “You know, a girl. I want to talk to a man.”

Me: “…Let me transfer you.”

Talking Turkey About Your Earnings

, | MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Money

(A customer comes up to the deli counter, dressed in relatively nice clothing, and asks me for a recommendation on turkey. I have sampled most of the turkey in the case and can typically give honest recommendations.)

Me: “Well, I personally like [Brand] turkey — it’s got a pretty standard flavor, but it’s good, and [Brand] has a lot of options if you like spicier turkeys.

Customer: “Yeah, but it’s $11.00 per pound…”

Me: “True. If you’re looking for cheaper turkeys, [Store Brand] turkeyisn’t visible in the case right now, but we do have it, and there’s also—”

Customer: “I mean, I make incredible money, but I can’t justify spending $11 on a pound of turkey.”

(He looks around for a moment like he’s going to say something else, but doesn’t and storms off.)

Me: *turns to coworker* “What an odd thing to say.”

Coworker: “Yeah, that was weird.”

Me: “Well, I DON’T make ‘incredible money,’ but I’m gonna buy myself some of that turkey and live my best life.”

(My coworker laughed, and I sliced some and bought it before I went home that day. The resulting sandwich was, of course, very tasty.)

Some Customers Can Be Warming

, | San Francisco, CA, USA | Awesome Customers

(Usually when the drive-thru gets busy we send an order-taker outside with a tablet to get orders in faster. Around winter time, the temperature drops lower than Californians are used to and on one particular day, it drops below 50°F. They send me out to take orders and I think it isn’t that cold so I just have my short sleeve uniform shirt and pants.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

Customer: “I’m okay, but isn’t it really cold for you?”

Me: “I’m actually not that cold. What can I get for you today?”

(I take her order, give her the total, and direct her to the first window for payment.)

Me: “All right, have a great day!”

Customer: “You, too! Are you sure you aren’t cold? You can take my jacket!”

Me: “Oh, no, please don’t. I’m fine! Thank you anyway!”

(A few minutes later, I see my manager walk outside towards me with a jacket.)

Manager: “Some lady in the drive thru demanded that I give you a jacket and said it was abuse for making you take orders outside.”

Me: “She tried to give me her own, too. At least she cares more than some of the other customers here.”

Don’t Have A Cow, Man

| VIC, Australia | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work on a cattle farm in a small town. I am checking fences on the quad bike when a small car drives up the dirt road next to the paddock I’m in. A couple gets out of a small car and walks up to me. This is just a farm; we don’t not handle customers, just send cattle to the marketplace. I have no retail experience and have had a very bad day and it’s almost quitting time.)

Boyfriend: “Hello there. We’re from [City] and we saw those small cows in the fields back there, and we where wondering if we could buy one?”

Me: “Sorry, mate, the calves aren’t for sale.”

Boyfriend: “But my girlfriend really wants one.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, we don’t sell ’em to people and besides, how would you get it back to your house?”

Boyfriend: “We put it in the boot.” *the trunk*

Me: “Wait, what? You put what in the boot?!”

Boyfriend: “The small cow…”

Me: “What the h***, man! You can’t do that!”

(I climb through the fence and make the couple open the boot. Inside is a week-old calf!)

Me: “Jesus, mate, how the f*** did you get it in there?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about! It wasn’t easy at all; my girlfriend got kicked!

Girlfriend: *shows me her arm, bruise already starting to show* “It really hurts; I think we should get the cow for free.”

Me: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE CALF!”

Boyfriend: “That’s not fair! It was so hard to get; we didn’t even have time to close the gate again.”

Me: “You didn’t close the gate…”

Girlfriend: “No. Why?”

Me: *looks back down the road to see half the mob of cattle wandering towards us*

Me: “F***!”

(I grab the calf, which until this point hasn’t felt the need to move much for whatever reason, and place it on the ground. It immediately takes off towards the other cattle, bellowing for its mother.)

Boyfriend: “What the f*** did you that for, you f****** a**-hole! I should kick your a**! We are gonna find your boss and get you fired!”

Me: “Whatever. Just get lost!

(I race to the quad bike, start rounding up cattle, taking them back to the paddock before they get to the main roads. It takes about half an hour. When I get back to the shed the car is out the front and my boss is talking to the couple.)

Boss: “These two just told me the funniest story about you.” *he’s smiling, thinking this has to be a joke*

Me: *still fuming over what happened, begin yelling at the couple*

Boss: “Wait, this isn’t a joke?”

Boyfriend: “No, this isn’t a joke! Your employee is terrible!”

Boss: *takes a moment to process the whole thing, begins to get his angry face on, and I retreat to safe distance* “YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU TWO TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF MY CALVES?! GET THE H*** OFF THIS PROPERTY BEFORE I FIND A DEEP MINE-SHAFT I CAN THROW YOU IN!”

Couple: *shared look of terror on faces, they run to the car and speed off*

Boss: *after calming down* “Beer?”

Me: “God, yes.”

Trial By Redial

| England, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

(Apparently I have a “posh” phone voice, so I’m tasked with answering the phone if the receptionist is out.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I assist?”

Caller: “Yes, hello. Do you have any two-by-four [wood]?”

Me: “Sorry, I think you have the wrong number. This is a laboratory company. You have called [Company].”

Caller: *an older voice answers* “Oh, is this not [Lumber Yard]?”

Me: “No, this is [Company]. We don’t have anything to do with lumber.”

Caller: “Oh, err, sorry.” *hangs up*

(My MD gives me the strangest look, shakes his head before getting back to work. The phone rings again.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I assist?”

Caller: “Can I speak to [Name that doesn’t work here]?”

Me: “Sorry, nobody works at [Company] by that name.”

Caller: “Is this [Lumber Yard]?”

Me: “No, this is [Company].”

Caller: *click*

(The phone rings instantly.)

Me: “Okay, look. This is still [My Name], still at [Company]. You must have just hit redial.”

Caller: “Well of course I did, I was trying to reach [Company] lumber.”

Me: “Yes, I understand, but very clearly you. Need. To ring. A. different. Number.”

Caller: *click*

(I start to feel bad, even concerned that I might get in trouble, as my MD is quite strict and a professional, when… the phone rings again, same number.)

MD: *shouting from the other side of the office* “Is that the same guy?”

(I nod.)

MD: *answering the phone* “Yes… Yes… No, no problem… Any time… Of course… Bye.”

Me: *confused* “I could of sworn that was—”

MD: “Oh, it was. He is now expecting a lorry of wood at two o’clock tomorrow.”

(I forgot about it until the next day. The receptionist had a very confusing phone call to deal with.)

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