Pray They’re Horsing Around
Client: “Say, you did a fine job massaging my wife. Do you mind taking a look at my horse? She’s been limping a spell.”
Me: “Thanks, I… What did you just say?”
Client: “Say, you did a fine job massaging my wife. Do you mind taking a look at my horse? She’s been limping a spell.”
Me: “Thanks, I… What did you just say?”
(My job is to screen ride photos at a famous space ride. I typically see a lot of vulgar hand gestures and boobs. Surprisingly, a lot of boobs. We screen them so they can’t be seen by guests and are unsellable. A woman and three men come to the ride photo booth to pick up their photo and are displeased when it is censored and they can’t see it. Unsurprisingly, they are drunk or getting there at least.)
Ride Photo Attendant: “I’m sorry, we can’t show them to you.”
Women: “Just for a second.”
Ride Photo Attendant: “No, sorry.”
(The woman and one man go to the washroom and another man, not from their party, comes up to the front.)
Other Man: “Can I buy that photo?”
Ride Photo Attendant: “Do you know that woman?”
Other Man: “No, but my wife and I are having trouble getting it on here with all these kids around and I need something to stimulate IT with, if you know what I mean.”
(The ride photo attendant did know what they meant, as did the security guard who escorted him out.)
(The fast food restaurant where I work is located on a busy road with deep woods behind the building. Our dumpsters are located on the edge of our parking lot, closed in with fencing. I am cashing out a woman and her two small children (under five years old), the only customers in the building. My coworker, who had just been running out the trash bins, runs into the building through the side door and SLAMS it behind her, peering over her shoulder.)
Coworker: “[My Name]! There’s a BEAR in the dumpster!”
Me: *forgetting there are children* “Holy s***, no.”
Coworker: “I went to open the fence to the dumpster and a BEAR climbed over the side wall and ran into the woods!”
(My manager grabs the phone in the office to call the police or animal control while my coworker is still peering out towards the woods to see if the bear comes back.)
Me: *turning to the customer and her kids* “Well, ma’am, I’d say you’re going to have to stay in a while. I don’t feel safe letting you out of the building. I’ll get you some sodas, too, for the trouble.”
Woman: “I can’t stay here! My dog is in the car with the windows open. What if she sees the bear and starts barking? The bear could come back and get into the car to get the dog, or the stupid dog might jump out of the car and run after the bear!”
Me: “I… see… Where are you parked?” *hoping she was parked on the front end of the building facing the highway away from the dumpsters*
Woman: “It’s the blue van.” *this is parked on the same side of the building as the dumpsters*
Coworker: “OH, MY GOD, HE’S BACK!”
Me: *internally swearing*
(The woman is absolutely INSISTENT on leaving, so my coworker and I go out with her, my coworker keeping an eye out for the bear once he wandered back into the woods. The woman’s car is parked roughly twenty feet away from the side door, so I grab one child by the hand and she picks up the other, and we get the kids in the car quickly, buckle them up, and my coworker and I wave her off once we run (nearly peeing our pants) back into the building. An hour later my shift ends and I make my way out of the building toward my car. Two cop cars have arrived by that point to make sure that anyone who pulls in stays far away from the dumpsters and the woods and to make sure the bear doesn’t come back. I am parked right up along the dumpsters, so I talk to one of the cops as I got into my car.)
Cop: “Did you call in for the bear?”
Me: “Not me; my manager. I didn’t see the bear myself. Have you?”
Cop: “Yeah, it was a little baby bear.”
Me: “Oh, god, that’s even worse. Who knows what kind of mood Mama Bear is in?!”
Cop: “Yeah, I just had to try to explain that to some crazy woman with two babies. When we pulled in they were walking up the hill with their dog because they went into the woods to take pictures of the baby bear.”
Me: “They– Wait, WHAT?!”
Cop: “Yeah, see, they knew about the bear but when she saw it was a baby bear she said the staff was ‘being ridiculous,’ so she parked again to let her kids see the bear and they went down the hill. My supervisor yelled at her about endangering her children and molesting the wild life and stuff.”
(So to recap: I escorted this woman and her kids to the car, basically volunteering to be HUMAN BEAR BAIT if necessary so her kids could be buckled up and get home safely, and her response was to say “Screw it. I’ll just FEED MY KIDS TO THE BEAR.”)
(I run and independent coffee shop on a very busy city centre street. We are known for our hearty and healthy food as well as home-baking and decent coffee. We also have a pretty strict “no outside food” policy. Our stuff is so good, so why would we let people bring their own stuff in? One day I arrive to find we have no water. I call the water board and they say that a pipe has burst in the area but that they are fixing it. The water, however, has been turned off in the area… maybe a mile radius. I put signs up saying explaining this and apologising, but we are still able to serve food, just no hot drinks or tap water. A couple come in for breakfast and see the signs, but I still explain the situation. She orders orange juice with her breakfast. He, however, doesn’t seem to get it.)
Man: “Just a filter coffee, please!”
Me: “I’m really sorry but due to the no water thing, I can only do cold drinks.”
Man “Oh, right. So… just a tea?”
Me: “Again, no water. I have bottles of iced tea?”
Man: *scoffing* “So you’re saying that your coffee shop has no coffee?!”
Me: “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. No water, in a mile wide radius. Really sorry about this but they are working on the burst pipe!”
Man: “Well, there’s a [Huge International Coffee Chain] on the corner. Can I go and get one of their coffees and bring it back?”
Me: *knowing they have no water either but still trying to be polite and nice* “Sure thing. If they are able to make coffee, you’re welcome to bring it back.”
(The man left, quite smugly, only to return moments later, empty handed. Apparently they had no water either. Something about a burst pipe in the area…)
Customer: “Excuse me, is it true that your hot chocolate can induce orgasms?”
Me: “Umm, I don’t think so.”
Customer: “Have you had it?”
Me: “Yes, and no, it didn’t induce a… you know.”
Customer: *pointing to her friend* “[Friend] here says she has an orgasm every time she has your hot chocolate. Isn’t that right, [Friend]?”
Friend: *blushing and whispering* “No! I said I like it so much every time I have it that I could orgasm!”
Customer: “Oh. Well, I’ll just have a coffee, then.”
