(One afternoon a customer walks in and orders a $3 item. He pays with a $5 bill and the coins needed to get a flat amount back. Before I can give him his change, he pulls three $1s out of his pocket.)

Customer: “I just realized I had these extra dollars on me. Think I could give you these then you could give me a $5 back?”

Me: “Not a problem.” *completes the transaction* “You know, this kind of looks like you spent $3, only to be given $5 and a drink.”

Customer: “What? How? Explain this to me.”

Me: “Ignoring the coins, your order was $3. You gave me $5, for $2 change. Then you handed me $3 so I combined them—”

Customer: “And I got my $5 back.”

Me: “And you got your $5 back.”

Customer: *laughs* “Okay. Tell me that one more time.”

(We ended up repeating this conversation three more times, the customer laughing harder each repeat. In the end, he thought it was amusing enough to let me keep the change!)

(I am working in a large and well-known store when I am approached by a customer.)

Customer: “Do you sell power cords for stoves?”

Me: “I don’t believe so, but I would ask in the hardware department, just to be sure.”

Customer: “Is that where the guns are?”

Me: “No, that would be sporting goods.”

Customer: “All right. Also, do you cut keys here?”

Me: “Yes, in the automotive department.”

Customer: “Is that where the guns are?”

Me: “…”

(I am running the frontline, rolling burritos for customers, when a family comes up. Of the five, four are very quick to order and get rung up. The fifth, the mother, takes the time to ask how everything is prepared before asking for it on her burrito. Assuming she might be somebody from corporate, I explain, to the best of my knowledge, how the food is made. She gets to the end of the line and asks:)

Mother: “Do you have any guacamole?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Would you like some?”

Mother: *disgusted look on her face* “Do you have any guacamole that’s without any avocado?”

Me: *puzzled* “No, our guacamole is made with avocado.”

Mother: *clearly getting frustrated* “Well, can you go look in the back?”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have any guacamole that is made without avocado. I mean, guacamole is, like, 90% avocado, so maybe you’re thinking of something else?”

(I try to stay patient, especially since a line is building behind her.)

Mother: *glaring* “How would you know how guacamole was made? You aren’t in the kitchen, so it’s not like you know how to make any of this food!”

(To humor her, and to finish her order so I can tackle the growing line, I go through the swinging doors to the kitchen, count to ten, and return.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any guacamole back there without any avocados.”

Mother: “That’s okay. I don’t mind having avocado in my guac, anyway; can I get some?”

(I finished her order and passed her onto the cashier. I couldn’t be any happier to see a customer leave.)

(I work in a government call centre. Occasionally customers have appointees to speak and handle their affairs for them. I receive a call from a man who is clearly inebriated, but we finally get through security questions. I realise he has an appointee, so I am unable to make the changes to his account that he requests.)

Me: “I am sorry, [Customer]; I cannot change that information without your appointee’s permission.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. She is with me now; I’ll put her on.”

(A moment later I hear voice say, “Hello,” but it is clearly still the customer.)

Me: “Hello, who is this, please?”

Customer: “I am [Appointee]; I am the appointee.”

Me: “[Customer], I know that is you. Is the appointee really available for me to speak to?”

Customer: “Yes, I am the appointee!”

Me: “[Customer]…”

Customer: “Yes? *pause as he realises what he just said* “Who am I speaking with? My name is [Appointee] and I am an appointee!”

(After several failed attempts to speak to his appointee failed, I had to end the call. He didn’t even bother disguising his voice in any way!)

(I work at a high-dollar retail store that sells mainly clothing but has some food products in the back. A lady walks up to the registers, which are also used for returns.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

(Drops a bottle of olive oil, about two-thirds full, on the counter with a receipt.)

Me: “All right, ma’am. Is there anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “Yeah. I drank some of it, and it tasted terrible!”

(I just stand there, silent and dumbfounded for a moment, then call over my supervisor to approve the return, since it was opened. The customer gets her money and walks away.)

Me: *to supervisor* “Is there any reason to drink olive oil?”

Supervisor: “Not that I’m aware of.”

(Twenty minutes later, the same lady went to another register and bought the exact same brand of olive oil.)