(I work at a beautiful, open-air pool and spa complex, often frequented by a visiting international A-Grade sports team. We currently have one unwinding in one of our public, open-air spas. Another customer approaches me.)

Me: “Good afternoon, and welcome to [Pool]. How many children and adults will you be paying for today?”

Customer: “Just me, my child, and my friend here.” *motions to her friend*

Me: “All right, then. That’ll be [price]. The changing rooms are immediately left for women and right for men.”

(She pays, changes, stores her things in one of the lockers, and walks out, towel in hand. I should have called for help as I saw her on her way back. I stupidly didn’t.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but there’s a problem with your pools! They’re filthy and filled with s***!”

(Panicked, I look at the team leader, who hears this. She shakes her head no and continues on her path watching the rest of the pools.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but our lifeguards would have immediately noticed if there was that issue and closed the pool down. There isn’t any way this could have been missed.”

Customer: *immediately starts screaming at the top of her lungs* “NO! I MEAN THEY’RE FULL OF FILTH! YOU NEED TO GET THEM OUT OF THE POOLS AND CLEAN THEM IMMEDIATELY.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: *with her friend in the back with a s***-eating smirk on her face* “THOSE FILTHY F****** [RACIAL SLURS] IN THE SPAS UP THERE!” *referring to international sports team* “I REFUSE TO HAVE A SPA IN THOSE POOLS; THEY’RE FILTHY AND THEY NEED TO LEAVE SO I CAN HAVE MY SPA! THEY’RE DISGUSTING. FILTH. SCUM. THEY SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED IN PUBLIC SPACES! THEY’RE MAKING THE WATER FILTHY! GET THEM OUT! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”

(I am completely stunned, but wary of her getting physical, I call up to the personal trainers in the attached gym for security and manpower:)

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do refunds, and we are not making anyone leave. This is a public pool for the public and they have just as much right to be here as you do, and if you don’t accept that, then you can leave.”

(Two fairly bulky PTs have turned up by now, along with the complex manager.)

Customer: “I WANT MY MONEY BACK! CAN’T YOU MAKE THOSE FILTHY [SLURS] LEAVE?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no. We don’t do refunds, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Now. Your behaviour is not acceptable for this establishment, and you will be trespassing if you try to come back in.” *looks at the complex manager for approval, she nods and motions to the PTs to remove her*

(The customer screamed and bellowed horrific abuse and racist insults all the way out the door. We wound up giving the sports team free access to all parts of the complex and a voucher for dinner at the attached restaurant. They seemed to think it was hilarious and were incredibly kind and good-natured about it all, much to my relief.)

(A customer who has just purchased a lot of items comes back up to the counter to show me her receipt.)

Me: “Hello. Is everything okay?”

Customer: “There was a deal on the sellotape, and it hasn’t come off my total.”

Me: “Okay, could you tell me what the deal was?”

Customer: “Yes, it said they were two for £5.” *points to a display that says two for £5*

(I look at her receipt to see that the sellotape was individually priced at £2.49, meaning the total for 2 comes to £4.98.)

Me: “Oh, they were £2.49 each, which comes to under £5, so you were charged £4.98.”

Customer: *beginning to sound annoyed* “Why did it say 2 for £5?! That’s false advertising!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that might have been an old deal; the head office always changes prices and deals and doesn’t always tell us. Luckily, you weren’t overcharged.”

Customer: “I still want a refund. I don’t like giving my money to false advertisers.”

Me: “Sure… Okay.”

(I went ahead and processed a refund for £4.98.)

(I am working at a sandwich restaurant with just one other person, and we have about fifteen customers. I’m having to put veggies on customers’ orders and work the till. I’ve just rung out four customers when I wash my hands and put on gloves to start with veggies.)

Me: *while putting on gloves* “Hi. What veggies can I get on your sandwich?”

Customer #1: “Lettuce, pickle, and mayo.”

Me: “All right. Is that it for you today?”

Customer #1: “LETTUCE, PICKLE, AND MAYO!”

Me: “Yeah, I got that. Is that it for you today?”

Customer #1: “Oh… Yeah, that’s it.”

Me: *moves on to the next customer* “Any lettuce or tomato?”

Customer #2: “Lettuce, tomato, pickles, and mayo, please.”

(I finish both orders and wrap them up. I’ve just taken off my gloves to ring them up.)

Customer #1: “No, she and I are not together; don’t add her to my total!”

Me: *internally facepalms* “Yes, ma’am, I know this.”

Customer #1: “SHE AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER!”

Me: “I KNOW! Your total is $6.54. Your order is in front of you. Hers is off to the side here. So, stop trying to grab both, or I will charge you for hers, too.”

Customer #1: *quietly swipes card*

(It’s Memorial Day weekend in a tourist town. We also happen to have a couple of sporting events and a car show, so we’ve been sold out for weeks at least.)

Potential Guest: “I need a room.”

Me: “Normally, I would love to give you one, but unfortunately, I am sold out. [Hotel Nearby] has rooms, though.”

Potential Guest: “No.”

Me: “Well, that’s really the only thing in town that’s open right now.”

Potential Guest: “No.”

Me: “I mean, there’s [Sketchy Motel #1] and [Sketchy Motel #2], but they’re less than savory.”

Potential Guest: “No.”

Me: *turning my computer so she can see* “This website is really accurate, and there’s nothing else in town.”

Potential Guest: “NOTHING ELSE!”

Me: “Have a nice night!”

Potential Guest: *storming out* “SOMEWHERE!”

(I work in a hotel. A female customer has called and told me that there is no hot water. It is two am and I’m by myself. I tell her that I will go and see what I can do and call her back. I take ten minutes to go to the mechanical room and try different things. Nothing works. I then call the engineer and leave a voicemail. When I return to the front desk again, the phone rings. The caller ID shows an outside line, meaning it’s not from a room.)

Me: *hotel greeting*

Caller: *shouting* “Hello! What’s going on?!”

(I’ve never spoken to the engineer before, so I think this is him. But just to make sure…)

Me: “Is this the engineer?”

Caller: “Yes, it is! You never called me!”

Me: *confused* “I just did?”

Caller: “No! You didn’t! Now tell me what’s going on!”

Me: *brain reboot* “There have been multiple complaints about the hot water. I’m by myself and don’t know what to do.”

Caller: *silent*

Me: “Do you have any ideas?”

Caller: *sighs* “I’m not the engineer. I’m a guest staying there! I’m getting married!”

Me: *shocked and angry now* “What the…? You just said—“

Caller: “Never mind that!”

(Unfortunately, I did mind. I don’t like any liars, even if they are customers, so I didn’t help him. There was nothing I could do, anyway, since I was just a clerk. I just told him that the engineer had been called. The caller threatened me with bodily harm and then hung up. The next day, the manager blamed me for the customer being upset about me not calling him back. I guess the female customer from before was the fiancée, but who knows. I left shortly after. How liars find mates is beyond me. I wish the customer all the bad luck in the world for being a dirty, tricky liar, and I hope his pants fall down at his wedding.)