A customer has been hanging out at our restaurant for almost three hours having dinner with her friend. We are slow, and they are very cool and chatty with me, sharing that they haven’t seen each other for over twenty years. They enjoy the food and service.

All is going well.

When they are finally ready to leave:

Customer: “I’ll be paying the entire bill.”

It is about 230-something dollars. When I turn the handheld to her on the tip screen, she very politely and properly says:

Customer: “Not this time, darling. Another time.”

A few seconds later, her card is declined.

I politely try to assist while laughing my a** off on the inside. I ask her to check if her bank has contacted her, yadda yadda yadda, the usual lines I give to avoid customers being embarrassed when this happens. I am overly sweet — sickeningly so.

Customer: “Can I go get you the cash and come back? I don’t have any on me.”

Me: “Not this time, darling. Another time.”

She had to grovel to her friend to pay.

I am out for dinner with my then-fiancée (now wife) and her dad, my (now) father-in-law. He’s not the nicest to her (he got divorced and remarried, and he loves his new kids more than my wife) and gives her grief over everything she does.

We’re at the end of dinner, and my father-in-law offers to pay for the meal. Okay, that’s surprisingly nice.

Fiancée: “I’ll ask to get my leftovers boxed and I’ll take them home.”

Father-In-Law: “You’ll just leave them in the fridge, and then they’ll just get thrown out.”

I’ve been hearing stuff like this all night, so I snap.

Me: “Listen, it’s not your fridge. Leave her alone.”

Father-In-Law: *Getting mad* “Don’t tell me how to raise my daughter!”

Me: “Then don’t speak to my fiancée that way!”

He literally throws the bill and folder at me.

Father-In-Law: “Fine! You f****** pay, then!”

He storms out, so I pay the bill and I’m just waiting for the receipt. We’re still waiting ten minutes later, so we’re wondering what is going on. Tensions are rising, and [Fiancée]’s dad is waiting outside, just building up steam and ready to blow once we get out there. I ask the waiter:

Me: “Can I just get our bill and go?”

Waiter: “Oh, no, sir, you have to wait for the manager.”

It turned out that they had a contest running where “every bill is a winner.” Normally, you’d win a free drink or appetizer with your next meal. Well, we won the GRAND PRIZE: a trip for four to Florida! Whoever paid got the prize.

We did not bring [Father-In-Law] on our free trip!

My friend went on vacation and asked me to check in on her dogs. It was a twenty-mile drive one way, but I knew she was really worried about the dogs being alone for the first time, so I agreed to sit with them twice a day for about an hour or so each time, working around my ten-hour work days, if someone else could check when I was not available. She agreed. 

Day 1:

Friend: “I know you’re not planning on going over for a couple of hours, but could you go early?”

Me: “I’m at work for the next six hours. I can’t go until after.”

Friend: “Okay, but I can’t get a hold of [Friend #2] and she was supposed to go over.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t go until I’m done with work.”

Friend: “You said you would be there!”

Me: “So did your other friend. I cannot go until after work.”

Friend: “Fine. I’ll find someone else.”

I went over after work as I said I would. The dogs were fine.

One morning, my phone started ringing at 2:00 am. I picked it up without opening my eyes.

Me: “What?”

Friend: “[My Name], I need you to go check on the dogs.”

Me: “Now? Why?”

Friend: “I’m worried the neighbors will complain if they’re barking.”

Me: “Are they complaining?”

Friend: “What if they call animal control?”

Me: *Sigh* “I have to work at 5:00 am. Where—”

Friend: “[Friend #2] still isn’t answering. I don’t know what to do! Jesus Christ, [My Name], you’re supposed to help me!”

Me: “I am! I went out before and after work yesterday, and the five days before—”

Friend: “But—”

Me: “I am doing all of this for free. I know you’re stressed, but you are being very demanding. It has to stop. I cannot be available twenty-four-seven.”

There was a moment of silence.

Friend: “Oh. I see. I’m sorry my dogs are such a burden. You can mail my spare key back.”

Me: “[Friend], no, I just—”

Friend: “Goodbye.” *Hangs up*

I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I went to check on the dogs one last time. It turned out that [Friend #2] was already there; [Friend] was so panicked about leaving her dogs that she told each of us that the other wasn’t answering to guilt us into checking on her dogs more often.

[Friend #2] and I worked out a schedule for the remainder of her vacation and then mailed our keys back together.

I work the crazy busy brunch hours during the summer, with nice weather and tourists. I’m working outside and a guy comes in off the street.

Guy: “Can you give me a twenty for smaller bills?”

I’m swamped, but I take his cash, count it, and hand him the twenty. I turn around and he says:

Guy: “Wait, you only gave me a ten.”

Sure enough, there was a ten-dollar bill in his hand. Since I was crazy busy and tired, I assumed I’d made a mistake, took the ten, and gave him a twenty, which was dumb. I was short at the end of my shift and made sure to keep an eye out for him.

A few months later, he tried to pull the same thing on a coworker but couldn’t get the twenty up his sleeve in time.

We found out he was quite the sprinter.

A potential client from a huge corporate meat plant called me.

Client: “I need you to design tickets for an event.”

Me: “Great! What’s the event?”

Client: “I want to sell tickets to a football game, but this game is only in our minds; it’s pretend. You know how Mickey Mouse is only pretend?”

Me: “Yeah, I underst—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “It’s like that; it won’t actually happen. It’s a game between the ‘University Of [Meat Plant]’ and the [Actual NFL team].”

Me: “Do you have permission to use that—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “The event will be on August 32nd, and everyone will buy tickets to the game, buy T-shirts, the works! Since it’s an impossible date, the other team won’t show up, which means they will forfeit AND WE’LL WIN!”

Me: “No.”

Client: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s literally a scam, you don’t have permission for all of this, and you cut me off every time I sp—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “Please?”