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Your Mouth Jiggles Too Much

, , , , | Working | July 5, 2024

My coworker has recently started a “weight loss shot” and can’t stop talking about it. I am 5’6” tall and 120 pounds. Despite being a healthy weight, working out, and watching what I eat and drink, people seem to always want to pitch their weight loss aides. I’ve heard it so many times that I don’t even bother being nice about my rejections.

Coworker: “It’s great. Like, mind-blowingly easy to lose weight. [My Name], if you want I can get you—”

Me: “No.”

Coworker: *Uncomfortable laugh* “Well, I mean, you’re not fat, but your legs jiggle, so—”

Me: “No.”

Coworker: “I’m not being rude. I’m just—”

Me: “You are.”

She puts her hand on my shoulder.

Coworker: “No, listen. I’m—”

I grab her hand and look her in the eye.

Me: “You’re trying to tell me I need something I don’t need, nor do I want. I’ve told you no repeatedly, and you keep pushing. It is rude.”

She walked away in a huff, but she never tried to tell me to lose weight again, so it’s all good!

This Sign Just Appreciates Over Time

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2024

I am preparing some drinks at the bar in our restaurant, close to the entrance, when a customer approaches me, pointing at a sign. It is 9:59 pm.

Customer: “I don’t like that sign.”

Sign: “Last Seating: 9:30 pm. Last Orders: 10:00 pm. Dining Room Closes: 11:00 pm.”

Me: “What don’t you like about it?”

Customer: “As a customer, you should appreciate my wanting to stay later and order more. You should appreciate the extra money I’d spend.”

Me: “Well, I—”

Customer: “You’re forcing me to rush my dessert! I don’t feel appreciated!”

Me: “As a minimum-wage worker who has another job and is studying for a degree, and as someone who doesn’t see any of that extra money, what I appreciate is getting home on time to sleep. You have one minute left to order a dessert.”

Parenting In Two Words

, , , , , , , , | Right | July 5, 2024

A child is taking all the magazines off of the shelves by the checkout and shaking the contents onto the floor one by one.

Coworker: “Can you please not do that?”

Mother: “You shouldn’t tell my child not to do that.”

Coworker: “No, you are quite correct; you should.”

Out Of There Before A Tequila Sunset

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2024

We are literally three minutes before closing at our small downtown bar, and a customer rushes in.

Customer: “I need three double shots of tequila and a hug, and I wasn’t here.”

She dropped a hundred-dollar bill and left. My favorite last-minute customer.

(I didn’t ask any questions, and there was nothing on the news.)

For An Ace In The Hole, Call Up A Pole

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 5, 2024

I was in college not far from Washington DC. 

I came to a friend’s dorm and saw a student looking very sad and possibly drunk. In broken Eastern European English, he said he missed his mom and dog, and he hadn’t spoken Polish in six months. (Skype was barely a thing at the time, and international calling was expensive.) He missed the Old Country so much he could barely sleep. All he wanted to do was talk to a friend in his own language; he struggled with English.

I texted a friend.

Me: “[Dorm] room 203, ASAP, please.”

Five minutes later, my friend appeared and walked right in with:

Friend: “Miło Cię poznać Jaki jest problem?!” (Nice to meet you! What’s wrong?) 

I’m sure I mangled the grammar on that. Whatever.

What followed was two grown men talking about the Old Country, reminiscing about parks — it turned out their families lived near each other — and conversing in rapid-fire Polish for hours.

It was heartwarming and the best “positive masculinity” you could hope for.

Amusingly, these men were both bodybuilders, and one of them did “The 300 Workout” to look exactly like the Spartans in “300”. 

I will forever remember two large, muscle-bound men hugging and crying about the homeland at 11:00 pm on a dorm room floor.