(My family and I are on holiday visiting a craft village. We are currently in a kitchenware shop and I’m standing next to a “Le Creuset” crockery display distinguishable by its bright orange colour. I have a pram with a child inside and I’m holding my other child. I’m wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you know how much this set is?”

Me: “Erm, no, sorry. I don’t have a clue.”

Customer: “Do you not work here?”

Me: “No!”

Customer: “Oh, right, it’s just because your t-shirt is the same colour as the crockery.”

(This happened about five years ago and has confused me ever since.)

(I work at a chocolate store and it is Easter time, the craziest time of the year, when customers are desperate to grab chocolate before somebody else does. I’ve seen a lot of arguments break out over chocolate eggs and whatnot, but never an incident like this before.)

Old Lady: *seems like a sweet little lady* “Hello, dear. I was wondering if you could show me where the chocolate bunnies are? I need one for my grandson.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. I’d be more than happy to help.”

(I show her, and it looks like there’s only one more left on the shelf. She takes it and thanks me.)

Me: “Well, you’re in luck! That’s the last one. The registers are over here, ma’am, and thank you for shopping with us.”

(She is extremely polite throughout the whole exchange and goes on her way. Less than a minute later:)

Customer: “Do you have any chocolate bunnies? I really need one.”

Me: *cringes, knowing what’s going to happen* “Um, actually, that lady there just took the last one… so…”

(The customer immediately takes off, and I can see her yelling at the little old lady. The lady is calm, though, and when the other customer stops to catch her breath, the old lady pulls out A TASER and threatens her with it. She doesn’t get angry or anything. The customer pales and runs away, apologizing. This freaks me the h*** out. I don’t even know if tasers are legal here, or what. I walk over to her, praying.)

Me: “Uh… ma’am… I… your taser…” *sweating nervously*

Old Lady: *laughs* “Oh, sorry, dear. Did I scare you? It doesn’t work; there are no batteries in it. See?” *presses button, nothing happens* “I’ve been carrying it around since I went Black Friday shopping last year. Thank you again for your help!” *leaves*

(I don’t even want to know what happened last year on Black Friday.)

I work in a small call centre with my friend. One of the shows we are selling today is an Easter play depicting the Crucifixion of Jesus. A few minutes ago, [Friend] got a call from a woman who asked us if the crucifixion being depicted was a person really being crucified, as opposed to an actor pretending to be crucified. [Friend] explained that it was just an actor and the woman was apparently disappointed.

The woman had a Filipina accent; people who are especially religious in the Philippines actually crucify themselves there each year. It’s only for a few minutes, mind you, but it is a real crucifixion. Apparently, she was hoping to see the same thing here in Canada.

(I work at a metal supplier. We have an “Odds and Ends” rack in our shop that has short and damaged metal sections and plates, with the most expensive item usually around $5.00. A customer sees a small bit of plate with a price tag of $5.00 and puts it on the counter.)

Me: “Hey, mate, that’s all for today?”

Customer: “Yeah, should get me out of trouble.”

Me: “No problems. That’ll be $5. Did you want a receipt for that?”

Customer: “Nah, mate, I want it for free.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “I want it for free; it’s a worthless piece.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, if it was worthless it would have gone in the scrap bin which got emptied this morning.”

Customer: “Come on. Show a bit of charity.”

Me: “Well, mate, this is a business, not a charity. If you want charity, there is a [Charity] down the road.”

(I take the piece off the counter.)

Customer: “Whatever.”

(The customer grabs a $5 note out of his wallet and drops it on the ground.)

Customer: “There you go. Come around and grab your precious $5 and give me my piece.”

Me: “You haven’t paid for it yet. You’ve dropped your money on the ground; you mind picking it up for me?”

Customer: “There’s no respect these days from customer service people.” *grabs the note and puts it on the counter*

Me: “Respect is a two-way street; you get what you give.’ *hands him his piece* “Have a good day and we hope to see you again.”

(I work in a place that is well known for sausage rolls and coffee. All is going well for a quiet Tuesday afternoon and I haven’t served a customer in about five minutes. In comes an old fella who I don’t recognize as a regular. He places a sandwich on the counter. I ask in my usual friendly way, as upselling is an unfortunate part of the job:)

Me: “You can get a hot or cold drink with that for an extra 40p.”

Customer: *replies, colder than the British weather this week* “Did I say I wanted a drink?”

Me: *a little taken aback by his sour tone* “No, but I am required to ask.”

Customer: *grumbling hard* “I don’t want a d*** drink. All you want is to make me spend more money. I don’t like spending money.”

(Makes me wonder why he bothered coming in to buy anything in the first place, but I don’t say it aloud.)

Me: “Okay, then. That’s [price] on its own.”

Customer: *with an attitude like a toddler and obviously trying to pick a fight* “No, I don’t want it now. I wouldn’t feed it to the rats.”

Me: “That’s fine.”

(He huffs off and leaves. I am too caught off-guard to even make a witty comment about the ironic situation. About thirty minutes later, he returns. Luckily, my boss is on a break and I’m the only one here; otherwise, I’d never normally be this naughty.)

Customer: *a little less bitter now* “Two sausage rolls.”

Me: “You want sausage rolls from here? I’m sorry, but I can only give these to the rats.”

(I eventually got a small apology out of him — I was astounded! — and the rest of the transaction went all right. Just goes to show that sometimes it’s good to be a little cocky back, even if you’re not supposed to.)