Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I just came into your store and picked up my pizza, and there were no mushrooms on it! Can you help me?”

Me: “Whoops! Sorry about that. Let me go ahead and take a look at your order and see what I can do. May I have your name, please?”

(She gives me her name and I look up her order. She placed her order online and therefore did not speak with any employee about it. The order was for a specialty cheese pizza without any extra toppings whatsoever.)

Me: “Hmm, it looks like you placed your order online without mushrooms, ma’am. Luckily—”

Customer: *interrupting* “What? Well, if that’s how you treat your customers, then I’m never ordering pizza from here again!” *hangs up*

(How she thought we were psychically supposed to know she wanted mushrooms on her pizza is beyond me. I was going to mention that at least she wasn’t charged for any extra toppings, but oh well!)

(I’m on my break and go to use the men’s room. A customer walks in and approaches me as I am washing my hands.)

Customer: “Is this the men’s room?”

Me: *face-palm*

(All of a sudden I hear my male manager laughing from the adjacent stall.)

(I’ve worked at many different pools, but the number one complaint I get, no matter what pool I’m at, is that “the pool is too cold.” Some people don’t understand that a pool is not a bathtub, and we can’t turn up the heat on demand. Since the pool is so big, and filters gallons of water in and out, it literally takes days to cool down or heat up the pool. Furthermore, health and safety policies dictate that we have to keep the pool within a certain temperature range. My response to this complaint for years has been to explain these facts, and tell them what the temperature reading was at the last pool test. One day, at one of the biggest pools I’ve worked at, an elderly woman enters the pool and makes a big show of acting like she has just stepped into ice water.)

Patron: “The water is so cold today.”

Me: “The last temperature reading said 85 degrees.”

Patron: *confused* “What does that mean?”

Me: “Our policy aims to have our pool between 83 and 87 degrees in order to operate. We’re actually above the minimum level.”

Patron: “So, you have two more degrees to go.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Two more degrees until the maximum.”

Patron: “So, turn it up.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patron: “It’s far too cold to be comfortable. Get someone to turn up the heat.”

Me: “Ma’am, if we turn it up too much, then the competitive swimmers could overheat.”

Patron: “You just said that you could go two degrees higher, so just go to the back and turn up the switch.”

Me: “Uh, I’m actually not trained to—”

Patron: “And hurry up; I’m only here for half an hour today.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but there is no way the heat will increase that much in so little time.”

(I’m about to explain to her why this is, when she sees a maintenance worker come onto the pool deck.)

Patron: “Oh, you’re useless. I’ll just ask [Worker]; he knows what to do.”

(She gets his attention and asks him what she asked me. I continue to guard, but I listen in, expecting him to say the same thing I did. To my surprise, I hear him say, “No problem,” and he walks away. The patron smiles smugly at me and begins her walking workout, while I stand there confused. Ten minutes later, he comes back, and I approach him before the lady sees him.)

Me: “Did you really turn up the heat for the pool?”

Worker: *smirks* “Oh, no, that’s just a line I shoot them so they’ll get off my back.”

(He then walks over to the lady.)

Worker: “How’s that?”

Patron: “Much better; thank you.”

(I work in a store that sells kitchen utensils. A customer has put some items on the counter, including a packaged knife. The knife is a very bright colour, and as she puts it down, her four-year-old daughter reaches out to grab it.)

Customer: “No, honey. I have to pay for it first, but you can play with it when we get home.”

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s a knife, not a toy.”

Customer: “I know it’s a knife; it’s one of those plastic ones. She can have it.”

Me: “No, it’s a real knife. It’s very sharp; it will cut her.”

Customer: “No, it’s plastic. Look at the colour.”

Me: “That’s a painted-on coating. Look right on the edge; you can see the metal edging of the blade.”

Customer: “Oh, well, what’s that for? It’s obviously plastic.” *points to a separate plastic item in the package*

Me: “That’s the scabbard, to protect and cover the blade.”

Customer: “Oh. We don’t want it, then.” *turns to daughter* “You can’t have the knife, because the mean lady said so.”

(I’m a nurse in a medical office, and I am in the middle of treating a patient, when a cell phone begins ringing.)

Patient: “It is SO rude for you to let your phone go off while you are taking care of me! I should be your only priority, and I can’t believe they just let you play with your phone in here. I’ll just have to speak to your manager about this!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, that is your phone.”

Patient: “Oh goodness, it is.” *then answers phone and begins loud annoying conversation that keeps me from doing my job*