(I’m standing at our service desk doing some paperwork when two customers approach me regarding a price check. I say “Sure!” and scan the item for them, then tell them the price.)

Customer: “Sir, you don’t have to be so sarcastic with me.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You shouldn’t take that kind of tone with customers, especially not ones that spend as much as I do here.”

(For the record I’ve worked full-time here for seven years and have never seen her before.)

Me: “I don’t understand, ma’am. I merely scanned the item for you and told you the price; I don’t see how I was rude or disrespectful.”

Customer: “See? There it is again! You have such a snarky tone to what you’re saying!”

(Then it dawns on me…)

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but I have Asperger’s syndrome. It’s a neurological disorder and part of it affects my speech.”

Customer: “As-what?” *she smiles at me wide-eyed, then looks at her companion, who also smiles, like it’s all a big joke*

Me: “As-per-ger’s syndrome.”

(I am now getting uncomfortable, I normally try to hide my condition at all costs. People misunderstand and assume all kinds of things. I even once had a boss almost let me go because he thought it was the same as Alzheimer’s and assumed I would gradually lose my memory.)

Customer: *giving me a sceptical look* “Yeah… well, you should probably get that taken care of, because someone could really misunderstand and think you’re talking that way on purpose.”

Me: *getting angry that she would suggest it’s just as simple as taking a pill or getting a shot* “I wish it were that simple, ma’am, but there’s no cure for it. It’s something I’ll deal with my whole life. I’m sorry that it inconvenienced you.”

(With that they walk away. She’s barely five feet from me when I hear her tell her friend: Well, that’s what we get with equal opportunity employers!)

(I am calling an Internet tech support line, so there is plenty of down time while you reboot. I would have been more chatty but I wanted to see how it played out.)

Tech Support: “Have you had breakfast today?”

Me: “Not yet.”

Tech Support: “Well, you know it is the most important meal of the day.”

Me: “Okay.”

Tech Support: “Well, don’t forget.”

Me: *silence*

(He coughs uncontrollably.)

Tech Support: “You know I have this cold.”

Me: *even more awkward silence*

Tech Support: “My lungs are filling up. Do you have recommendations for a good cold medicine?”

Me: “Nyquil.”

Tech Support: “Why? What does it do?”

Me: “It helps you sleep.”

Tech Support: “Yeah, well, maybe I will call in sick tomorrow. So, it’s been five minutes. Has it rebooted?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s still not working.”

Tech Support: “Let’s try again and check in another five minutes.”

Me: *silence — is he kidding me?*

Tech Support: “Do you know of any other cold medicines?”

Me: “Alka-Seltzer cold. Listen, can you just send tech support out?”

Tech Support: “Sure. I was going to recommend that in a few more minutes. Will you have a good day?”

Me: “Yes, I will.”

Customer: “Well, I will try to get bett—”

Me: *hangs up, cutting him off*

(I figured his job got boring and he felt in the mood for a chat. Later, a friend who is in customer service said they aren’t allowed to be silent for a certain amount of time.)

(This is an e-mail conversation:)

Customer: “I would like to know if [Title] has subtitles.”

(The title in question only appears in book form on our list.)

Coworker: “We cannot find the requested DVD; could you please let us know the article number?”

(The customer sends number of the book.)

Coworker: “Thank you for your e-mail, but this is information about a book.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know it’s a book; I still would like to know if it has subtitles.”

(It wasn’t even a children’s book or a book to learn a language. I had to explain that books in general don’t have subtitles.)

(I work for a health insurance company. We pay our our maximum amount on all emergency room visits no matter where services are done or contracting status of provider.)

Customer: “So I feel like there should be a WRITE OFF done by somebody to WRITE OFF some of these charges.”

Me: “I understand a large bill from a hospital can be a burden, which is why we paid your ER claim as much as we would possibly pay any claim, at the highest level — our in network pay bracket.”

Customer: “Who does the WRITE OFF then? I was told there could be a WRITE OFF.”

Me: “Contracts with doctors can result in them accepting our paid amount and writing off the rest. Your visit was to a non-contracted provider, so they aren’t beholden to any agreement on how much they can charge you.”

Customer: “So they would do the WRITE OFF, then?”

Me: “Have you spoken to them about negotiating a plan to pay your bill yet?”

Customer: “Yes, and they told me to call you and say WRITE OFF a lot and ask if you could pay them in a lower bracket than you did because it could mean they get more money towards the bill.”

Me: *after a silent “wow”* “That’s simply bad advice. There isn’t a world in which paying them less would result in them getting more money. Those two things are the opposite of each other.”

Customer: “Oh. Why would they make me do this, waste my time and make me seem like a fool?”

Me: “You’re not a fool. You’re looking for a way to reduce a very large and unexpected expense. I’m sorry the hospital that is billing you deflected your concerns by giving you an untenable solution. You can report unprofessional conduct by our contracted providers, should you ever encounter a problem with them.”

Customer: “Did you say something about them getting more money?”

Me: *after a moment of stunned silence* “You could get back to the person in that hospital who advised you of these options and request they send us a letter officially asking to be paid at a lower bracket. They are even able to agree to a WRITE-OFF in the same letter. The format for this charitable concern is on our website.”

Customer: “They wouldn’t do that, would they?”

Me: “It was their idea, wasn’t it?”

Customer: “Yes, it was, but I don’t think that’s what they meant.”

Me: “What did they mean?”

Customer: “I called you to find out!”

I am the customer in this story. After a long day of first work at my fast-food restaurant and then babysitting, I have stopped for a late supper at the only decent fast food place still open at that hour.

There’s a group of high schoolers at a table. As I’m ordering, one of them tastes his friend’s shake. He runs over and jumps up ONTO THE COUNTER, yells “THIS S*** IS GOOD!”, throws the shake on the ground, breaking it open and sending it all over the floor, and runs out the door before anyone can do anything. (His friends had the decency to be as shocked as we all were, and tried to help clean it up.)

Somewhat startled, I finish my order, and turn to wait for my food. I look down to find a safe path through the shake mess and realize that there’s also shake all over my pants. As I note it, the cashier also sees it, and apologizes profusely. I turn to her and grin.

“Don’t worry about it, ma’am. I work at [Other Fast Food Place]. This isn’t even the first time that I’ve had shake on my pants TODAY!”