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The Unicorn Of Doctors

, , , | Healthy | February 6, 2023

After years of searching, I was not able to find a doctor willing to give me a hysterectomy before I turned thirty. Discouraged and frustrated, I went to one more doctor at my spouse’s urging just before my birthday.

Doctor: “So what brings you in today?”

Me: “I want a hysterectomy. I’ve been to at least three other doctors in attempts to get it. The first two turned me down because I’m not yet thirty and I don’t have kids. The second one agreed but then later tried to talk me out of it. He said I would change my mind about kids.”

Doctor: “Yes, some doctors have outdated ideas about women and childbearing. I see here on your file that you’ve been on several different types of birth control. For your Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I’m assuming?”

Me: *Nodding* “I also have other issues that we were hoping birth control can fix, and it didn’t so much as make a dent.”

Doctor: “Like what?”

Me: “On my longest period, I bled for fifty-six consecutive days. My first ovarian cyst ruptured when I was nine years old. On average, I’m bleeding for ten to fourteen days. I’m usually so nauseated that I literally cannot eat for the first forty-eight hours because I’ll violently puke whatever I just ate right back up. My spouse and I do not want children, and I now have other chronic issues to deal with. My aunt died last year of ovarian cancer. I want this system out of me.”

Doctor: “Okay, let’s do a physical exam real quick and I’ll put you on the schedule.”

Me: *Stunned silence*

Doctor: “If I don’t find anything pressing in the exam, it might take a couple of months, but we’ll get this done for you. Your family history of cancer alone is enough for me, not to mention the number of cysts your body likes to grow.”

Me: “Just like that? Really?”

Doctor: “Really. I’m not in the business of telling someone to not do a surgery when there’s a very good chance it will help them. If someone wants a hysterectomy, I’m going to give it to them, and I think you need one.”

I got a call a few days later, scheduling the surgery for a week after my birthday. It turned out that I had cancerous tumors that needed to be removed on top of eleven cysts, one of which was the size of a softball and had begun growing hair. If this final doctor hadn’t agreed to do the surgery, I would have needed intensive cancer treatment within a year.

Now 5G Is Alien Death Rays

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2023

Years ago, I’m working in the computer department of my store, organizing the modem and router aisle because it’s messy.

A customer walks up to me, wearing a suit. He looks pretty concerned.

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I just returned my Wi-Fi.”

Me: “Can I see the receipt?”

This is so I can figure out what sort of Wi-Fi he means. It’s a Linksys router.

Me: “I’m sorry that this router didn’t work out for you.”

Customer: *Heaves a great sigh* “Actually, it did work out for me, really well, but my wife is afraid of aliens.”

There is something about that line that intrigues me, so I have to ask him what he means.

Customer: “I bought the Wi-Fi so that I could communicate with extra-terrestrial beings. But my wife was uncomfortable with me talking to them so much, even though she put foil on the walls to keep herself safe from the cancer rays.”

Me: “I… see?”

Customer: “I wanted to talk to you about a device I’ve read about called ethernet. I want to use that to talk to my alien friends. I can do it without giving my wife cancer.”

Me: “I… I would recommend calling [ISP]?”

To this day, I am not sure if he was joking with me or if I was getting terribly trolled, but either way, I’m sorry, [ISP] call center worker who had to speak to him! My crazy quota was filled that day!

The Craziest Caller You Ever “Saw”

, , , , , | Right | February 6, 2023

While working in tech support, I get a call from a man who can’t get his external drive working. This is back in the day when parallel and serial ports live next to USB ports.

Me: “Can I ask you what ports you have?”

Caller: “I don’t have any.”

Me: “You don’t have any ports on the outside of your drive?”

Caller: “Well, no. I’ve been working on the inside of the computer to try to get everything working. I had a lot of trouble getting into the case!”

Me: “How did you open the case?”

Caller: “With a hacksaw.”

Me: “With… with a hacksaw?

Caller: “Yeah, down the backside of the tower.”

He had sawed through the mainboard, expansion cards, and yes, even the power supply.

Me: “Sir, you just destroyed every component in your machine, and you’re lucky you didn’t hit a capacitor in the power supply and kill yourself.”

Unsurprisingly, I was unable to help him.

Just Let Me Be Angry!

, , , , | Romantic | February 6, 2023

I have been dating my current girlfriend for about a year and a half. I consider myself to be pretty generous and thoughtful, but I’m not really a person who likes to gift flowers. I’ve gifted a few potted plants, but cut flowers? I just don’t like how they slowly die and wilt over the next few days, and then they just leave a mess.

My girlfriend did ask for flowers for Valentine’s Day, which I gave her, and she was happy.

However, at some point later, she is in a bad mood and decides that once is not enough for eighteen months of dating. We don’t live with each other.

I’m going about my day when I get a text from her.

Girlfriend: “We’ve been dating for over a year and you’ve only ever given me flowers once! Once!”

Me: “You’re right; I’m so inconsiderate. All I’ve ever given you is jewelry, fuel for your car, clothes, trips to restaurants, lots of homemade food, vacations to California and New York, and a $1,500 wig.”

Girlfriend: “This was supposed to make you look bad, but it ended up making me look bad!”

Me: “Yep.”

I Owe An Apology To That Kid From First Grade

, , , , , , , | Learning | February 6, 2023

My eight-year-old came home from school, and I asked her how the day had gone.

Eight-Year-Old: “A boy in my class had to get picked up early.”

Me: “Why?”

Eight-Year-Old: *Matter-of-factly* “He didn’t make it to the bathroom in time, so his mom took him home to change. It was near the end of the day, so he just stayed home.”

Me: “Oh, no. That must have been awful for him. You didn’t make fun of him, I hope?”

She looked at me like I had three heads.

Eight-Year-Old: “Make fun of him? Why? It was just an accident.”

Me: “Did anyone make fun of him?”

Eight-Year-Old: *Still incredulous* “Of course not! We would never do that!”

There’s hope for the future!