No Such Thing As A Clean Getaway

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2017

(I’m a housekeeper for an apartment building. The residents can get free cleaning every day, or decline if they wish to. There’s an old man that lives alone with his dog, and lately he’s been declining cleaning. We maids are happy, because it means less work for us. One day, he moves out.)

Manager: “Okay, get a crew in there for some deep cleaning!”

(Crew goes and returns.)

Crew: “You’re not going to believe this!”

(The manager went in to see. The apartment was totally destroyed. The manager called the police. Turned out the dog had some kind of untreated infection on his skin and rubbed on the walls, causing massive stains everywhere, and the old man had an infection on his head and bled all over the bed. The old man was arrested and fined for cruelty to animals and causing thousands of dollars in damage!)

Don’t Want To LEAP To Conclusions, But…

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2017

(I work at a help desk for a hotel management software.)

Receptionist: “The software isn’t working.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Receptionist: “I’m trying to change the departure date, but it doesn’t let me do it.”

Me: “What date are you trying to set?”

Receptionist: “February 30.”

Me: “Try with February 28.”

Receptionist: “Oh, now it’s working. Why is there a problem with February 30?”

Me: “…”

A New Kind Of China Syndrome

, , , | Right | October 22, 2017

(I drive a delivery truck. I hand over an international package to a residence, so it requires a signature. A lady comes to the door.)

Lady: *as she’s signing* “What exactly am I signing for?”

(I give a standard answer indicating I don’t know the contents of the package, but I verify that I am at the correct address, and that the person named on the package does indeed live there. She confirms that she is the person to whom it was addressed.)

Lady: “Who sent it to me?”

Me: *looking at the label* “Uh… Not sure, but it’s coming from China…” *spots a packing list and sees “contents: 1 dress”* “…and it seems to be a dress.”

Lady:China? I ordered a dress from the Internet, not China!”

He’s Only Delaying Himself

, , , , | Right | October 21, 2017

Me: “What can I get for ya?”

Customer: “Marbs.”

Me: “What kind?”

Customer: “The kind you smoke.”

(We have 31 different kinds of Marlboro cigarettes in our store, if I remember correctly, and I’m new to the job.)

Abstinence, The New Fragrance From The Makers Of Ignorance

, , , , , | Right | October 21, 2017

(My coworker who stocks pharmacy overnight overhears two young customers looking at condoms.)

Customer #1: “Hey, which condom do you recommend?”

Coworker: “The best kind of birth control is abstinence, but we don’t sell that here.”

Customer #1: “Abstinence? Yo, man, have you heard of that?

Customer #2: “No, I have no idea. How do you spell that?”

(My coworker told them how to spell it, and the customers said they would go home and search it. I pity today’s youth.)

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