A staff member phones to say a customer is very unhappy they have received the wrong kitchen.

Me: “Hello, sir. I believe you are unhappy with your kitchen delivery?”

The customer immediately starts shouting, ranting and raving, and complaining that he’s not got the kitchen he ordered, he has waited many weeks for, this is shocking service, etc. This goes on for five minutes without me getting a word in.

Eventually, I manage to interrupt and ask the following questions.

Me: “Can you advise which kitchen you ordered, please?”

Customer: “White gloss.”

Me: “And what kitchen do you have, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t know; it’s blue.”

Me: “We don’t sell a blue kitchen, sir. Is it the protective film on the doors you are seeing?”

The customer goes quiet and then hangs up the phone.

I work in a thrift store.

Caller: “Do you have any pet beds?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re out, ma’am. But we do get them in pretty frequently.”

Caller: “Do you know any other places that might carry them?”

Me: “Well, there are [Store #2], [Store #3], and [Store #4] in town you could try.”

Caller: “Oh, good. Text me their numbers.”

Me: “Uh… pardon?”

Caller: “Their phone numbers, text them to me.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I suggest you Google them on your phone.”

Caller: “Listen to me, young lady. I have limited mobility, so I need you to text me the numbers so I can call them without having to dial.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, no can do.”

Caller: “Why not?!”

Me: “Well, this is a landline.”

Caller: “Excuse me? It’s a what?!”

Me: *More clearly* “It’s a landline. It’s not capable of sending texts.”

Caller: *Angrily* “So, what am I supposed to do?! I have limited mobility! It is extremely difficult for me to Google things and dial them by hand!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but there is literally no way I can text the number to you. Even if I were to Google the number on our computer, you’d still have to write them down or type them into your phone.”

Caller: “Fine. Then text me the information from your cell phone!”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Caller: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because my cell phone is in my locker and I am not comfortable giving out my personal number to a stranger.”

Caller: “This is terrible customer service!”

I am tired of her nonsense, so I take on a stern schoolteacher tone.

Me: “Be that as it may, you have two choices; either you look it up yourself, or I read it to you and you write it down. There are no other options.”

In the end, with a great deal of complaining, she eventually wrote the numbers down by hand after I did a quick Google search for her. While I am not in a position to judge whether or not her mobility really was that limited, I’m at a loss as to how this would make our phone magically capable of texting just to accommodate her.

In 1974, I go to see the new disaster movie Earthquake. The high-budget movie features famous actors and “Sensurround”! This involves specialized bass speakers that create a sound wave that is more felt than heard. The speakers make the theater rumble during the earthquake scenes.

The movie follows the typical disaster movie formula. Part One introduces characters pre-disaster. Part Two shows characters during the disaster. Part Three shows the characters after the disaster.

In the movie, before the big quake, there is a pre-quake, but there is no Sensurround, and I wonder why. (I learn later that Sensurround should have been felt during the pre-quake.)

Everyone in the theater can tell that the earthquake is going to happen very soon. And then… the movie skips from Part One directly to Part Three, leaving out the earthquake part. The entire audience is wondering, “What the f***?”

Three minutes into Part Three, the movie stops and the theater lights come on. The projectionist messed up. Ten minutes later, the movie finally resumes with Part Two. We finally get to feel Sensurround, but the climactic moment in the movie is lost.

After the movie, I get in the long line with all the others wanting a voucher refund ticket. The manager is sitting at a folding card table in the lobby to sign refund vouchers and he is not happy. After ten minutes in line, it is finally my turn. The manager looks at me and says, “So why do you think that you deserve a refund?”

Internally, I just thought, “Whatever the forty people in front of me told you.”

I’m at a party and we are playing Thirty Seconds, where you have to describe five terms on a card and your team has to guess them in thirty seconds. It is my team’s turn.

Team Member: “It’s a phone. It’s also a fruit.”

Me: “Bananaphone!”

The entire room erupted laughing and I didn’t live it down for years. The word was “blackberry,” by the way.

My sister and I go through the drive-thru at a fast food burger place. My sis is in the driver’s seat. A woman comes on the speaker.

Worker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Sister: “Can I have a sec?”

Worker: “A number ten?”

Sister: *A bit louder* “Can I have a sec?”

Worker: “Okay, let me know when you’re ready.”

I think for a bit and lean over to my sister.

Me: “Spicy chicken sandwich meal. It’s, err, actually number ten.”

My sis sighs slightly, shakes her head, and turns to the speaker.

Sister: “Actually, can I get that number ten?”

Worker: *Laughs* “Yes, ma’am.”

When we got to the window, we had a good laugh together.