The Mother Of All “Phases”

, , , , , , | Related | October 15, 2018

(I am 18. I live with my family. I have recently started dating a woman. I am a woman and identify as such at the time. My girlfriend has been my best friend for four years by this point, and my family already loves how respectful and helpful she is. As such, I assume that “coming out” won’t be a big deal. My girlfriend, my mother, my stepfather and I are in the room. I’m only including the most interesting parts of this event.)

Me: *after long conversation and lead-up* “So, after [Ex-Boyfriend] tried to hit me, then stormed off, [Girlfriend] said that she loves me and doesn’t want to see me hurt like that. I told her I didn’t have an answer yet, but it’s been four months, and we’re dating now; we started dating a couple weeks ago and it’s going well.”

Mom: *dramatically rolls her eyes* “Okay, whatever. It doesn’t matter. It won’t last.”

Girlfriend: *patient as a saint* “What makes you think so?”

Mom: *to girlfriend* “She isn’t a lesbian. This is a phase. Listen. We love having you around. We don’t care what you’re doing when the doors are closed. But don’t put your hopes up; I’d hate for my daughter to hurt you.”

Me: *angry* “It doesn’t even matter how I identify sexually. I love [Girlfriend] emotionally. You told me love is what matters most.”

(The conversation tapers off. Four years after, my girlfriend and I move in together, and sometime after that we get engaged. Throughout the whole time, my mother occasionally asks if we’ve broken up yet. We move a thousand miles away from my mother. A few weeks after the tenth year of our dating anniversary, we decide to get married, due to fear of marriage equality being abolished by a change of political control. I inform my mother that we are eloping and do not have time or money to have a proper wedding.)

Me: “We are eloping on [date], to make sure we can before the right is taken from us. We will send you pictures later.”


(She begins calling and texting several times.)

Me: *pissed off* “You weren’t even going to be invited if we had a proper wedding. You uninvited yourself after saying you didn’t think we’d last!”

(I had to block my mother’s phone number for a few weeks after that, but thankfully any relatives she told about the situation agreed with me, even the homophobic ones!)

Father Of The Brides

, , , , , | Related | October 8, 2018

(A while back, my mom freaked out because I am bi, and because I have a girlfriend. She told me to leave, and then that I couldn’t leave, but that I’d make my brother — who’s married to a woman! — gay by being near him. I’m still on good terms with the rest of my family, because my mom is the only one that’s made a big deal out of me having a wonderful girlfriend. My dad and brother fly out to meet me one day, leaving my brother’s wife at home with my niece. This happens when they get to my house. We go through formalities and all that, get them set up in their room and on the couch, because we’re in an apartment that we recently moved to with only two bedrooms. Eventually, my girlfriend leaves to go to the store to pick my brother up a toothbrush — he forgot his — and get some groceries. While she’s gone…)

Dad: “So, when do you think that you’ll get married?”

Me: “I don’t know. I mean, [Girlfriend] is ready, but I just think that we should wait until I have another job.”

Dad: “What? No. I meant, when are you leaving her to find a husband?”

Brother: “Dad!”

Me: “Um, hopefully never. I love [Girlfriend].”

Dad: “Yeah, but you can’t get married to a girl. The whole point of marriage is to have kids and a lasting relationship. Not a fling that ends in divorce.”

(I’m getting mad, now, but I’m trying to be level-headed.)

Me: “No, the whole point of marriage is to be legally tied with the person that you love.”

Dad: “People can’t just marry the same gender! It’s not right!”

Brother: “All right, enough! Dad, stop.”

Dad: “Stop what? Telling her exactly what she would have learned a few months into any—” *lifts up hands and does air-quotes* “—’marriage’ that she’d have with that [slur]?”

(I stood up and threw my drink at him, then stomped to my room. I could hear my brother yelling at my dad, and eventually my brother came in to talk to me. We decided then that when I do get married, he’s walking me down the aisle. And, bonus! I got a new job, and last night at dinner, my beautiful girlfriend proposed, and became my fiancée. I sent a photo to my whole family of me wearing the ring.)

I’m A Complete Lesbozionist

, , , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

(It’s my 18th birthday party, just after I’ve officially come out of the closet to my family. It is snowing outside, which means the rest of my family is surprised when my grandfather and step-grandmother arrive, as they NEVER go out in the snow. It soon becomes apparent why when my step-grandmother asks to speak to me in private. She tells me that she and my grandfather heard about my “decision” and she wants me to reconsider. She and I have never been even a little bit close, but I make the mistake of humoring her for over an hour. She tells me about how hard it was for her to have a lesbian daughter, and how wonderful it was when she then came back to the Mormon church.)

Step-Grandmother: “And I had to work very hard to speak frankly with my daughter about her… um… lesbozism.”

(Suddenly it felt like my soul had left my body as I contemplated the word “lesbozism” until she stopped talking. Needless to say, she didn’t convince me, and years later my friends and I still speak of “lesbozism,” and its practitioners, “lesbozoos.”)

O Bro-ly Night

, , , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2018

(I’m on a date with my partner. We’re waiting at a bus stop when a guy hands each of us a small booklet with the title, “How Well Do You Know God?” and, both of us being atheists and transgender pansexual, we giggle a little.)

Me: *to my partner, in reference to the booklet title* “Well, we’re not exactly bros.”

She’s Not Giving You A New Hope

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 23, 2018

I’m an asexual woman, but back when I was in college, “asexual” wasn’t really “a thing.” I just ended up telling all my friends, “I don’t date,” as a personal rule.

One of the boys who was in theater with me had a very strong crush on me. The two of us practically built the theater department, so we were always hanging out together and were pretty good friends, but he was always trying to convince me to go out with him. He would buy me gifts even though I had told him I didn’t date and didn’t have the money to reciprocate the presents.

One day he told me his brother was trying to sell a rare draft script for the first Star Wars movie ever made. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge Star Wars nerd, and I would have flipped to have that script or even just a photocopy of it. I even said as much to him. Unfortunately I didn’t have the money his brother was asking for, and the script sold online.

Fast-forward a year. I could tell our friendship was cooling because he was getting frustrated that I still wouldn’t go out with him. The last time it came up, he handed me a birthday gift: a pair of gold and ruby earrings. I don’t wear jewelry, so I had no idea what they were worth, but all I thought was that he had to have spent far more than what his brother asked for that Star Wars script! I stared at the jewels and then looked at him, finally saying, “Um, my ears aren’t pierced.”

He took the earrings back and we never really hung out again. He did finally move on, get a girlfriend, and get married. I have never broken my rule about “not dating.”

The moral of the story is: If you’re trying to get someone to go out with you especially by giving them presents, maybe take a cursory review of the three years you’ve been friends to notice that she doesn’t wear jewelry or have pierced ears, but is fanatically obsessed with Star Wars and would have felt obligated to go on a date if you had just given her that incredibly rare artifact you somehow had access to!

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