Barking Up The Right Tree All Along

, , , , | Related | March 9, 2018

In elementary school, a project is assigned to create a family tree.

I do not have a dad, but I don’t want to leave that side blank like a classmate does, so I put my mom’s best friend, who is also a babysitter and everyone’s “second momma.” She always tells me I’m her favorite kid. My teacher thinks it’s cute.

Fast forward to when I am 18. Mom and “Second Momma” have something important to tell me. They bring out that family tree I drew; I am shocked they’ve kept it. As it turns out, my “Second Momma” really is my second momma; that is, they are a couple, but not legally married. Her being a babysitter gave the perfect excuse when everyone called her Momma.


Sexually-Transmitted Translation

, , , , | Healthy | March 4, 2018

(I am a foreign college student and I need to see a gynecologist for the first time. I also need to fill out a medical information form that’s all in Chinese.)

Receptionist: “Can you read Chinese?”

Me: “The basics, but I have trouble with medical vocab.”

Receptionist: “Okay, start filling what you can and come back when there’s no line.”

(I do so and the receptionist translates while I answer.)

Receptionist: “Okay, this says, ‘Are you sexually active?’”

Me: *circles yes*

Receptionist: “Okay, and this says, ‘What protection do you use? Check all applicable.’”

Me: “Okay, does it say, ‘dental dam,’ somewhere?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “Um… for oral protection.”

Receptionist: “This is asking what you do to not get pregnant.”

Me: “So, it’s ‘contraceptive,’ not ‘protection’?”

Receptionist: “Same thing.”

Me: “No… It isn’t. Okay, where does it ask for the gender of my partner?”

Receptionist: “Gender?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sexually active with women, not men.”

Receptionist: *long pause, looks around as if for help* “Then you put, ‘No,’ for sexually active and skip these questions.”

Me: “Don’t you care about me getting STDs?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “It means I can still get STDs, as I’m sexually active, but you want me to put, ‘No,’ for being sexually active.”

Receptionist: *blank stare* “Uh. Let me talk to the doctor.”

(I am not called back for a while, and when I am, it’s for the actual appointment.)

Doctor: “I’m sorry about the form. We never get people like you. Let’s continue.” *hands form back to me*

(I noticed next to the line asking about being sexually active, “lesbian” was written in, in English. She helped me fill the rest of the form, adding — in English — the details it didn’t support, with no further issues.)

Has A Speech Prepared Right Out Of The Gay-te

, , , , , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

(I’ve been working at a grocery store for a few months with a manager who is, frankly, a miserable human being. He’s aggressively rude, blunt in all the wrong ways, and quick to lambaste you for minor mistakes and ride you on them for weeks. And, unfortunately, upper management is terrified of doing anything to him because he’s openly, flamboyantly gay and cries discrimination and homophobia the second someone so much as criticizes him. After finally having enough, I’ve decided to quit and decide to let him — the main reason for it — know exactly what I think about him.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], I heard you’re ending your employment with us. That’s a shame. Is there any reason in particular?”

Me: “Well… It’s a coworker issue, mostly.”

(He shoots me this toothy smile like he knows I’m about to say something he can twist. Not wanting to give him even a shadow of a chance of playing this game with me, I cut in.)

Me: “Let me tell you something about myself. I’m in a romantic situation that would make churches in this area try to exorcise us: I’m in a polyamorous relationship with three other people, including a trans-woman and another man. I’m so comfortable in my pansexuality I make you look straight; I’ve just never dared use it as an excuse for abusing people and getting away with it. I’m quitting because you’re an abusive creep of a manager and absolute scum of humanity; it has nothing to do with you being gay, or camp, or whatever. You’re just an a**hole.”

(At that, I flick my name-tag onto the table and toss my company vest off, while he and the rest of the office stand there, too stunned to respond.)

Me: “By the way, last night when he came in, I told your husband I saw you kissing [Coworker] a week ago. I heard you say you wondered why he went to his parents’ and didn’t call you last night; there you go.”

(I left just in time to hear him process what just happened and start freaking out. To his credit, though, a coworker I kept in touch with told me I humbled him pretty badly — even if I ruined his marriage — and he has started taking criticism on how to be a better person.)


, , , , , , , | Friendly | February 22, 2018

(Some of my friends are creating a board game, and they’ve asked if I could draw up their characters. I am not given a lot of physical characteristics, so I’m going by their background and storyline, as well as props they use, such as a sword. None of us are LGBT, but one character is a lesbian.)

Friend #1: “This is Sharon?”

Me: “Yeah. How do you like it? Anything you want to change?”

Friend #1: “She’s a lesbian.”

Me: “Okay. Do you want to show that, like by giving her a rainbow bracelet or something?”

Friend #1: “You can, but she still doesn’t look like a lesbian.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Friend #2: “She means give her short hair or something.”

Me: “Lesbians have all kinds of hair lengths and styles.”

(I pull out the drawing for Ava, a warrior character, whom I’ve drawn with short hair, and less busty.)

Me: “You mean, like Ava?”

Friend #1: “That looks like a lesbian!”

Friend #2: “Yeah. Switch the hair around.”

Friend #1: “Actually, why don’t you just use this drawing for Sharon, and remove the sword.”

Me: “Um… All because of the hair?”

Friend #1: “And boobs. Big boobs attract men, so lesbians want to look flatter.”

Me: *long pause* “You have stupid, stereotypical ideas!”

This Doesn’t Add Up

, , , , , | Related | February 19, 2018

(I’m an asexual woman in my late twenties. My dad and stepmom have a six-year-old whom I don’t see much. We’re driving somewhere when, out of nowhere, he decides to start this conversation.)

Step-Brother: “Are you married?”

Me: “No.”

Step-Brother: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “No. I’m not interested in dating.”

Step-Brother: “You should get a boyfriend so he could do math for you.”

(I’ve been tutoring math at the high school and college level since before he was born, but sure, kid. I’ll change my sexuality, because that’s easier than keeping track of my own grocery budget.)

Page 1/1812345...Last
Next »