These Boots Were Not Just Made For Walking

, , , , , | Friendly | August 1, 2018

(I’m having lunch with my dad and my girlfriend.)

Dad: “So, how is the wedding planning going?”

Me: “Pretty well.”

Girlfriend: “We found two super cute dresses for a great price, and my uncle said his firm can supply the food.”

(A man in the booth next to us suddenly turns and glares at us.)

Man: “Would you two [slurs] shut up already? I’m trying to eat!”

Dad: “Mind your own d*** business, or you’ll have my footprint tattooed on your a**.”

Man: “Who do you think you are, old man? I’m going to break your [slur]-loving face.”

Dad: “I’m a father first and foremost, but I’m also a retired police officer.”

(This caused the man to go snow white. He sheepishly paid for his half-eaten meal and left. Dad acted like nothing happened for the rest of the day.)

A Dress The Color Of An Ally

, , , , , | Hopeless | July 19, 2018

(Most of you will be too young to remember the days when someone could go to jail if they had a birth certificate that said, “Male,” and they were caught wearing female clothing. Consequently, Hallowe’en is a HUGE party day for the gay community, which, of course, is very underground at this time. But many people want a special dress for the ball that is held annually, and if you can’t afford a dressmaker, what are you to do? I have some gay friends, so I am familiar with the lifestyle and trials of the times. I also work in the young women’s department. This happens on the weekend before Hallowe’en.)

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you with something?”

Male Customer: “My sister is going to a semi-formal event, and I wanted to buy her dress for her as a surprise. She’s the same size as I am, pretty much.”

Me: “Let me show you what we have in stock.”

(After showing several dresses, which he looks at in great detail, trying to glimpse himself in the mirror with the dress held in front of him…)

Male Customer: “I think this one is nice. Maybe I’ll take it. What do you think?”

Me: “I’d vote against it, sir. The colour doesn’t suit your complexion at all.”

(The customer kind of ducks his head and blushes when he realises that I know what the story is.)

Me: “What I’d suggest for your sister is either this one or one of these two.”

(He decided to take one of the dresses I’d recommended and came back later to tell me he’d had a great time and loved the dress. I was so pleased to be able to make even just one night easier for someone who basically had to live a life of serious pretense in order to stay out of jail or not be beaten up. It isn’t perfect yet, but we have come along way.)

The Only Kind Of “Straighteners” That Work

, , , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

(I have extremely curly hair, which is the thing most people notice and remember about me. I am also a closeted woman-loving-woman who has told only a couple people.)

Me: *putting away fabric with coworker* “Hey, [Coworker], I just realized something I can say.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: *shoves a bolt of fabric away and grins* “My hair is straighter than I am.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Oh, my. Yes, it is. It most certainly is.”

Me: “Wait, I did tell you before—”

Coworker: “Yeah, you mentioned your girlfriend before.”

Me: “Okay, I forgot if I did.”

Coworker: “I’m just going to make sure that you stay far away from any hair straighteners now.”

Putting This Delicately

, , , , , | Learning | July 11, 2018

I live in the girl’s dorm, and we aren’t really supposed to do washing for people who don’t live here. A shirt here, a pair of pants there is not a problem when combined with our own, but people have been taking up entire wash cycles that only have someone else’s clothing, most likely due to the cheaper prices than public laundromats.

When the new term started, there were complaints of a girl sometimes using two washing machines at once. One was full of girl clothes, the other full of boy clothes. One day, I needed to do laundry, and everything was running except one, but it had clothes in it. I waited, but no one came so I took those clothes out. It was full of boy clothes. I was pissed I couldn’t do my laundry because someone did someone else’s clothes.

I pulled them out, and then I found someone odd: a delicate bag. I was like, did she seriously put her own delicates there so she could claim it’s her stuff plus someone else’s? Yes, I opened it up — I know it wasn’t right — but that’s when I found curious things. A binder and a packer. I zipped it back up and finished removing the rest quickly, and then my own laundry.

She came back as I was finishing and looked from me to the basket curiously before saying thanks and leaving with them. When I left, she was still waiting for the elevator, and we rode up together while she looked at me curiously.

A week later, I felt I had to be honest about looking into the clothes. He wasn’t mad, but felt very relieved that someone had known and kept it quiet.

By the end of the entire year, he actually came out. Unfortunately, the university didn’t allow him to move to the boy’s dorm for the second year because it wasn’t legal yet, but he was fine with it, because he had friends here, and then he was the only boy who could spend the night with his girlfriend in the dorm.

Boy Oh Boy!

, , , , , , | Hopeless | July 1, 2018

(While I’m in college, I waitress at a dine-in movie theater. One evening, I have a couple of teenage boys in my section. Because they’re sitting weirdly far apart and keep exchanging nervous glances, I ping them as an adorable couple, albeit one that hasn’t spent much time together in public, as this is in a conservative state.)

Me: “Hi, I’m [My Name], and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you anything to drink while you look over our menu?”

Boy #1: “I’ll take a root beer.”

Boy #2: “[Soda], please.”

Me: “And will that be together or separate?”

(Both freeze slightly, but [Boy #2] reaches over and takes [Boy #1]’s hand.)

Boy #2: “To… together. We’re together.”

Me: *deliberately nonchalantly* “I just need to know if you’re getting separate checks.”

(Both visibly relax and move closer to each each other.)

Boy #2: “One check, please. He paid for the tickets, so I’m getting dinner.”

Me: “Solid plan. We’ll have those drinks right out for you.”

(I make sure to go above and beyond with them, and each time I see them, they look more comfortable. By the time I go to cash them out, [Boy #1] is curled up on the seat with his head in [Boy #2]’s lap.)

Boy #2: *signs credit card slip and returns it* “Hey, miss? You were excellent. Thank you.”

Me: “Are you kidding? You’re the cutest couple I’ve ever seen. You made my night. Possibly my week. Enjoy the show.”

(Three years later, I still randomly think about the Extremely Cute Couple, and I hope they’re still together.)

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