The Rainbow Isn’t Complete Without Black

, , , , | Friendly | January 14, 2019

(I’m in a shoe shop, when I see a girl dressed entirely in black with a rainbow bag, clutching some holographic black shoes.)

Girl: *tearing up* “These shoes are black and gay! That’s me! That’s my aesthetic! I NEED them!”

Registering Your Sexuality

, , , , , | Working | January 12, 2019

(It’s a quiet moment at the registers. Two of my coworkers and I are talking about coming out, as one of my coworkers and I are both gay. The phone rings and one of my coworkers goes to answer it. She pauses for a second before talking.)

Coworker: “Thanks for calling [Store].”

(She listens to the caller before transferring them to the right department. Once she sets the phone down, she buries her face in her hands.)

Coworker: “I almost answered with, ‘Hi, I’m gay!’”

(We had a good laugh about it.)

They Know Chocolate Comes From South America, Right?

, , , , | Right | December 23, 2018

Customer: “Why is this [Chocolate Bar] white?”

Me: “It’s a special edition for Christmas.”

Customer: “Is it only for white people?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Can only white people buy it?”

Me: “No, anyone can. The white means there’s white chocolate inside.”

Customer: *ignoring me* “It must be. Why else would it be white? It’s British, and I am a proud Briton! No blacks allowed, just as Britain should be. I’ll take it.”

(I sell him the bar, albeit in silence, as I would prefer he not speak more. As he leaves, I give a look to my manager beside me who has seen and heard the entire encounter. She’s glaring at him as he leaves. He takes one step outside and comes back inside.)

Customer: “IT HAS ‘SWISS’ ON THE BOX! THIS S*** ISN’T BRITISH AT ALL! I WANT A REFUND!”

Manager: *before I can even open my mouth* “I assume you’re aware of our policies? Once foodstuffs have left the store, we reserve the right to refuse a refund, and I’m refusing to refund you.”

Customer: “BUT I WAS ONLY OUTSIDE FOR A SECOND!”

Manager: *grinning* “I know. Isn’t life wonderful?”

(He grunts and storms away.)

Manager: “ENJOY YOUR CHOCOLATE BAR!”

(Once outside again, he stands next to a bin and glares at us. He motions with the bar suggesting he would insert it into himself via the “back door” before throwing it away. He smirks at us and then blushes.)

Customer: “I’M NOT A F****** [GAY SLUR]!”

(He then ran away.)

The United Kingdom Of Great Gritain And Gorthern Gireland

, , , , | Right | December 22, 2018

(I am signing a customer up for a contract phone. I am taking his address.)

Me: “Postcode?”

Customer: *gives postcode*

Me: “Okay, which address?” *shows screen*

Customer: *points*

Me: “Okay, so now we’ll need to do a—“

Customer: “Hold on, that address is wrong. It should have ‘Gritain’ on the bottom.”

Me: “‘Gritain’? As in Great Britain?”

Customer: “No, ‘Gay Britain.’”

(I want to laugh, but his expression is very serious.)

Me: “Uh, it isn’t an option.”

Customer: “Then write it in ‘other’!”

Me: “Sorry, but could I please ask why?”

Customer: “Because if you don’t, you’ll assume I’m straight, and I’m not. That’s oppression.”

Me: “We don’t need to know, or even assume, your sexuality for the contract. It has nothing to do with it. We don’t even ask for sex or gender.”

Customer: “So you’ll assume I’m straight!”

Me: “We won’t assume anything!”

Customer: “Yes, you will. Now, CHANGE IT!”

(I manually changed his address to include “Gritain” and continued the rest of the purchase with awkward tension. He opted for paper billing, much to our grief, as every month he comes in to complain about “Gritain” being excluded from his address, and accusing us of discrimination, despite the fact we have nothing to with billing, and the change was made by them. He has no problem with the service, though, just the exclusion of that word on a bill he receives every month.)

Fear And Self-Loathing In The Library

, , , , , | Right | December 20, 2018

(We have a gay and lesbian section of our library. It’s relatively small, so you really have to know where it is to actually find it. A father and his son come up to the main desk.)

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Father: “You should ashamed of yourselves, displaying this filth for anyone to see. My son could have found it!”

(The man throws a book at me, which I realise is a gay fiction book. Without actually reading the title, the design of the cover offers no suggestion that it is gay fiction.)

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that you have been upset by this. Was it in the wrong section?”

Father: “No! It was in the sinful corner!”

Me: “On the top shelf, where you literally have to look up to find it?”

Father: *throwing his hands up* “I should’ve known. You’re one of the [gay slur]s. I bet you have been sneaking these in undercover to try and convert innocent children!”

Me: “Sir, my sexuality has nothing to do with you, but if you continue to use language like that I—“

Father: “Get…”

Me: “Will…”

Father: “Me…”

Me: “Have…”

Father: “A…”

Me: “To….”

Father: “Manager….”

Me: “Ask….”

Father: “NOW!”

Me: *pause* “Of course.”

(I call my manager down, and the man spends about ten minutes berating her about how inappropriate it is to force gay literature on children, and how I should not only be fired, but executed for my crimes.)

Manager: “I’m sorry you feel this way, but there is nothing I can do. Homosexuality is not regarded in the same manner as you by me or any other employee at this library, and to do as you are suggesting would go against my moral code.”

Father: “Well, f*** your ‘moral code.’ [Gay slurs] are—“

(This is where everything gets very strange. The man starts describing, in excessively graphic detail, the sexual acts between several men, in full view of his son — who must only be about five. He spends so long doing it, detailing literally everything, from the genitals to the fluids and sounds, that my manager is stood there, mouth agape and a crowd gathers behind him. When he finishes, his cheeks are flushed and he is out of breath.)

Manager: *after a pause* “Well, I don’t really know what to say to that.”

Man #1: “Are you sure you aren’t gay, mate?”

Father: *spinning around* “WHAT?!”

Man #2: “Yeah, I’ve got to admit. That was pretty hot. I can’t imagine how you would know all that if you were disgusted by it so much; I didn’t even know some of it.”

(The father blushes before dragging his son out.)

Man #1: “It’s a shame people like him don’t feel comfortable enough to be themselves. Imagine what his son is going to think!”

(I never saw the father after that, but his son comes in with his school every other week.)

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