Another Way To “Taste The Rainbow”

, , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2018

(I am hanging out with two friends during lunch, and somehow the topic of chocolate comes up. It should be noted that both [Friend #2] and I are FTM transgender.)

Friend #2: “None of the other trans guys I know — [My Name] and I included — have liked plain chocolate, as in, straight chocolate.”

Friend #1: “What about gay chocolate?”

Me: *without thinking* “That’s the kind with nuts in it.”

(I still have yet to live it down.)

Not Wise To Your Gay Agenda

, , , , , | Related | June 8, 2018

(I’m driving home with my grandfather. I’m trans, but none of my family know yet. I decide to test the waters by mentioning the recent Bathroom Bill.)

Me: “Grandpa, do you know what a trans person is?”

Grandpa: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you know what trans men and trans women are, right?”

Grandpa: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. I used to get them mixed up, so do you want me to define them?”

Grandpa: “No! I know what they are!”

Me: “Well… Do you think trans women should use the women’s restroom, or the men’s?”

Grandpa: “The women’s, obviously!”

(My heart soars.)

Me: “Really?! So, you think trans women are women, even if they weren’t assigned as women at birth?”

Grandpa: “WHAT? You tricked me! NO! Obviously not! Those freaks need to use the bathrooms on their birth certificate!”

(He went into a rant as my heart sank. I don’t think I’ll be coming out… ever.)

“Playing Golf Together” Must Mean Something Else, Too

, , , , , , | Related | June 6, 2018

(My great-grandmother is rather open-minded. However, being from her generation, sometimes she lacks the vocabulary to talk about things. So, when her granddaughter Karen comes out as gay, she is very supportive, but rather than say, “lesbian,” which was an insult in her upbringing, she refers to anyone gay as a “friend-of-Karen’s.” We have this conversation years later when she is in her mid-nineties.)

Me: “…and then he got his doctorate degree.”

Cousin: “Good for him. He’s a friend of Bob’s, isn’t he?”

Me: “Yes, he is.”

(My great-grandmother gets very confused.)

Me: “What’s wrong, GG?”

Great-Grandmother: “I’m afraid I’m losing my memory. I remember what a friend-of-Karen’s is, but what does it mean when they are a friend-of-Bob’s? Is that when it is two boys?”

Me: *pause* “No, GG, we just meant he went to school with Bob and they play golf together.”

The Force Is Stronger Than Their Hate

, , , , , , , | Related | June 4, 2018

(I love my family to death, but a lot of my relatives are extremely racist and homophobic. This has always upset me because I’ve seen a few cousins’ interracial relationships crack under the pressure from my extended family, and one cousin in particular has confided in me that he is gay, but will never come out to our “close” family. One day we’re on a huge family holiday — we don’t take holidays apart from each other because we’re so close — in Disneyworld and see a lesbian couple in wedding-style Star Wars costumes; they’ve obviously just gotten married.)

Uncle: “I want to go ask them who the husband is.”

Brother: “Definitely the one with the short hair. The other one is prettier.”

Me: *yells across the way* “CONGRATULATIONS! LOVE IS LOVE!”

(The newlyweds smiled, and my family gave me the cold shoulder for a while. Worth it.)

Adventures Of The Lesbian Thespian

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 31, 2018

(It is the 1980s. I’m male with long hair but can’t be considered feminine by any stretch of the imagination. I try out for a part in the school play. I’m hanging out with friends afterwards, discussing various actors and actresses whose methods we like.)

Me: “You know, my parents would be so upset if they knew I wanted to be a thespian.”

(At that point, a young woman nearby jumps up from her table and storms over to where I’m at.)

Woman: “You don’t have to pitch your voice so low if you want to be a lesbian!”

(I blink and look over to where she’s hovering an inch away from me.)

Me: “Lesbian? Well, I do like women, so… but no, we’re talking about thespians. You know, actors and actresses.”

Woman: “It’s okay to be a lesbian. I’m one. Why are you trying to look all manly?”

Me: “Uh, because I am a man.”

Woman: *now screeching* “No, you’re not! Why are you trying to act all butch? Is it because of your friends?”

(She then started screaming at them for trying to get me to act male. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stood up and grabbed my crotch and yelled, “To thine own self be true!” It was then that she realize that I was indeed a man, turned bright red, and stormed off. Every since that day, I’ve been called the lesbian thespian by my friends.)

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