So That’s How Scotty Does It!

, , , , , | Working | July 18, 2018

(I am a database engineer in the late 1980s. My company has an application that requires about 24 hours to run a weekly report. One day my boss comes up to me and asks if I can make the report run faster. I look at the code and realize the report is written in an incredibly inefficient manner. I go back to the boss:)

Me: “I’ve got good news. I’m pretty sure I can make it run in 12 hours. It will take me about a week to get it ready.”

Boss: “That would be great. Please do it.”

(I spend about two hours and redo the report function and get it to run in 15 minutes. I then build in a timer that delays delivery for 12 hours. I use the week to get caught up on everything I never have time to do. My boss is delighted with the results. Six months later, my boss comes to me again:)

Boss: “We are really happy with your excellent work on speeding up the reports. Can you possibly make it go any faster?”

Me: “Maybe. It would take about a week to know for sure.”

Boss: “Please give it a try. This is your top priority.”

(I spent the week getting caught up again on a backlog of tasks I was never given time for, and on the last day of the week, I removed the timer and presented the new and improved report function to my boss, who was absolutely thrilled to get reports in 15 minutes. The boss never found out and considered me a miracle worker.)

No ID, No Idea, Part 36

, , , , | Right | July 17, 2018

(I am a manager, cashiering one night, when a young guy walks in and grabs a beer. He looks younger than 25.)

Me: “Hi. Will that be all?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, can I see your ID, please?”

(The customer pats his pockets but does not find what he is looking for.)

Customer: “I’ll be right back; forgot my wallet in the car.”

(He leaves, and I have a feeling he is not as old as he says he is. I watch him walk to his car and get in, and out comes someone else. I have put the beer up when the second person comes in, goes to the cooler, and grabs the same beer.)

Me: “Sorry, but I am unable to sell you this beer.”

Customer: “Why? I have ID, and this is for me.”

Me: “I am sorry, but I saw you get out of the car that the same person just got in, and get the same kind of beer as he did.”

Customer: “This is bull! It was for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but since the first person came in and got the same beer and did not have ID, I can’t sell this to you, but when you go to another store make sure that you go in first instead of your friend.”

(Mad, he ended up throwing our lotto machine at me and storming out. I called the police to report it. I later came to find out that his aunt works for the sheriff’s department!)

No ID, No Idea, Part 35
No ID, No Idea, Part 34
No ID, No Idea, Part 33

Trying To Pass The Buck

, , , | Right | July 17, 2018

(I work in a store in a large shopping centre. One evening, a customer comes in and makes two purchases. The first costs him $67, and he pays with $100 in cash. As I’m handing him his change, he makes a second purchase worth $5, which I take out of his change. This leaves him $28. I give him the money and he leaves. About an hour later, however, he returns and insists we’ve short-changed him by $27. I go through both receipts with him and all of my actions through both transactions. He insists he can’t remember what happened, but that I am in the wrong. As I can’t prove it by counting the register, and I don’t want to just give him the money, I take his details and promise to call him the next morning after the registers have been counted for close that night, and then for open the next morning. As expected, that night when I count the registers there is nothing out of the ordinary. The following morning when I open, the registers are still in the clear. I get on the phone with him to talk it over.)

Me: “When I cashed up last night, neither of our registers were over, unfortunately.”

Customer: “But you definitely short-changed me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I didn’t. It would have been in the register when I closed the store, and there wasn’t any extra money there.”

Customer: “But I’m short $27.”

Me: “Well, did you spend money anywhere else last night?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “In the shopping centre, sir. Did you spend money anywhere else?”

Customer: “Nothing of that amount.”

Me: “So, it’s not possible that you could have lost it somewhere else, like at another store?”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m just suggesting that it’s a possibility that it could have happened somewhere else.”

Customer: “It had to be you. I just know it! You’re arguing with me now, so you must be a thief!”

Me: *losing my patience now* “Sir, if I had shortchanged you last night, you do realise that it would have meant I’d only given you $1 from the $100 you gave me, right? I’m pretty sure you would noticed when all the change you got from $70 of purchases was a buck.”

Customer: “Just… CALL ME BACK IF YOU FIND MY $27.” *hangs up*

Installation Cost Inflammation

, , | Right | July 16, 2018

(I work in the quotes call centre department of a subcontracting installation company for a major telecommunication and cable company, pricing up any additional works that are required for the installation, such as extra time or materials.)

Me: “For [additional work], that will come up to an extra charge of [amount]; is that okay to proceed?”

Woman: “This is crazy. I’ve spoken directly to your CEO about this installation, and he said there wouldn’t be any extra charge!”

(I know this is almost certainly false. We have had CEO involvement with some VIP customers, and they’re dealt with directly by the managers.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to take a look at the account notes in order to verify this; please hold.”

(Lo and behold, there’s absolutely no mention of CEO involvement on their account.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing written on your account about that. I can only advise you call up [Parent Company] directly to discuss the quote with them; I don’t have authority to waive this sort of thing, as we’re just the sub-contractors.”

(The woman didn’t accept this, and after a few minutes of bluster and complaining, she hung up the call, and I thought that was that. I later found out that she called back through to our other departments several times that day, this time claiming to have the CEO on hold on the other line, and demanding to speak to a manager. We called her bluff, asking to speak to the CEO, but she hung up. Unfortunately, the saga would soon prove to continue. While bored, about two months later, I decided to look into the account notes for this customer, to see what happened. Turns out they did call [Parent Company], and whoever they spoke to bought their story. I refuse to believe they’d ever spoken to the CEO, and will continue to do so until the day I die. The best part, though, is that the customer still ended up paying the exact quote they’d been complaining about, and didn’t get anything free of charge or anything like that. The only thing they got was a delay of their installation by about a month while we sorted this all out, and got to feel important about having the “CEO” excuse to boss us about a bit.)

Gunning For A Win

, , , , , , | Legal | July 15, 2018

(I work at an indoor gun range where people can rent and try different guns. Every customer has to sign a liability waiver stating what their firearms experience is so we know better how to serve them. It also serves to protect us against people who may injure themselves and try to sue us. A woman who rented a gun minutes ago comes out holding onto her hand which is lightly bleeding.)

Me: “Did you get cut by the slide? It happens to everyone at some point. I’ll get you a bandage!”

Customer: “I don’t know what happened! I shot it and it cut me! I’m taking you all to court! This is your responsibility!”

Me: “But, ma’am, I thought you had extensive firearms experience. That’s what it says on your waiver!”

Customer: *frustrated and distracted from the bleeding* “WELL, I WAS LYING!”

Me: “Oh… Then you should not have lied!”

Customer: “No. You should have known what my experience was!”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am, they don’t pay me to assess that… but they do pay me to get you that bandage!”

(She called a lawyer and lied to him, too. When she and the lawyer came in requesting the video, we showed him the liability waiver that she’d signed but neglected to mention to him. He looked at her for a moment, then walked out of the store.)

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