Not Your Problem Will Cause You Problems

, , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(As a line rings, our system pops up with the caller’s account information if one is associated with the phone number. Usually, this is just to expedite serving the customer. Not so much in this case. After I confirm the caller’s name and number, the account history makes my jaw drop.)

Caller: “So anyway, I saw your subscription numbers dipped, and it’s your lucky day; I’ve got a great deal for you!”

(I’m a little speechless at this point; this man’s account is locked due to frequent credit card fraud notifications. Some scammers do sell game time off stolen credit cards, but most customers stop after the inevitable chargeback and lost time.)

Me: “Pardon me, sir, but I can’t help but notice your account’s currently locked—”

Caller: “That’s right! And if you unlock it now and give me six months’ free time, you’ll get an old and valued customer back!”

Me: “Sir, the account’s locked due to frequent charge-backs—”

Caller: *same cheery voice* “Not my problem! I bought that time in good faith. You shouldn’t have taken it from me.”

Me: “Sir, those were stolen cards, and we’ve told you six times this was against our end user agreement.”

Caller: “Still don’t see how it’s my problem. That’s just capitalism. Someone made me a better offer!”

Me: “Because they were using stolen funds, sir, which was why we prohibit such transactions in our contracts.”

Caller: “Still not my problem. So, you going to do your company a solid and get them a valued customer back?”

Me: “You want me to waive $100 in outstanding charges and give you another $100 free?”

Caller: “It’s good business sense to keep the customer happy!”

Me: “Sir, you haven’t been a customer of ours since you started relying on fraudulent time purchases. Each of those purchases got refunded, and we were issued a chargeback penalty by the cardholder’s bank. You cost us money.”

Caller: “Not my problem!”

Me: “That’s why we locked your account. You may not think it’s your problem, but we’ve decided we don’t want you as a customer.”

Caller: “What? But I’ve been a good customer! You should be thankful I want to come back after how you treated me!”

Me: “Looking over your billing history, sir, it’s looking likely your entire time with us might actually be a net loss for us.”

Caller: “Do you want me to get my lawyer involved? He says I’ve got a good chance at restitution after the way you’ve treated me. I’m offering you a good deal. You should take it instead of letting this get… messy.”

Me: “As this is now pending litigation, your lawyer may contact our legal team for any further discussions. Please understand that no one at this phone number is able to discuss matters pertaining to this account until after its conclusion. Thank you.”

(In retrospect, I wish I could have asked how his lawyer felt about his client knowingly working with credit fraud from a variety of state and international ends, but I don’t know I’d have been able to keep from laughing.)

Don’t Beer And Bus

, , , , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(I work for a popular travel center. It’s a fancy way of saying it’s a big truck stop that serves both semi trucks and regular vehicles. This store also happens to be a stop on a commercial bus route so we get really big rushes of people when the buses stop there. The passengers on the bus are not allowed to purchase or consume alcohol because a drunk passenger can cause disruptions and potentially compromise the safety of the driver and passengers. We sell beer at our location and must refuse the sale of it to passengers and inform the bus driver if they try to buy it. A customer approaches the register.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Are you riding the bus today?”

Passenger #1: *has beer and an empty cup* “Yep, I am heading to [Location].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; unfortunately, I cannot sell you this beer.” *slides the beer behind the register*

Passenger #1: “Why not? I was just going to put it in this cup.”

Me: “I am sorry, but we cannot sell beer to bus passengers.”

Passenger #1: “Well, I won’t bring it on the bus, then; I will just drink it before getting on the bus.”

Me: “Again, I apologize but it is against the law in the state of Florida to drink alcohol on the premises.”

(Passenger #1 gets frustrated and pays for his other stuff complaining the whole time. Passenger #2 is next in line and has listened in on the entire conversation.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Are you riding the bus today?”

Passenger #2: “Nope.”

(I have worked here long enough that I can generally tell when the people are lying and all of the bus drivers brief their passengers on the policy.)

Me: “Okay, then.”

(I ring him up and when he leaves, I call our maintenance guys to keep an eye on him over our headphone/radio walkie-talkies. Maintenance usually monitors the bus passengers whenever a bus arrives. The maintenance guy catches the passenger with the beer outside, waiting with the other passengers, so I call over the driver and point the guy out. The driver kicks him off the bus. Passenger #2 comes back to my register.)

Passenger #2: “I want to return this beer.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir. According to state laws, we cannot accept returns on beer, alcohol, or tobacco products.”

Passenger #2: “Well, when does the next bus come? This is bull-s***! Can I take the next bus?”

Me: “Our company does not have a contract with bus company so we do not posses their schedules, so we do not exactly know when next bus for [Destination] will arrive. Usually when they do come, it is at the driver’s discretion to allow you on the bus or not.”

Passenger #2: “So what the f*** am I supposed to do?”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but those are the policies. The driver may not take you if you still possess or consume that beer, and it is against the law to consume the beer on the premises.”

Passenger #2: “Then give me my money back!”

Me: “As I have stated before, sir, I cannot do that; it is against the law.”

(By now I have a small line forming behind him with one of my coworkers on break trying to pay for her lunch behind him.)

Passenger #2: “Then what the f*** am I supposed to do?”

Coworker: *behind Passenger #2* “Throw it out and remember to follow the rules next time!”

(The guy is mad and makes a show of slamming the beer into the trash before stomping outside and waiting for the next bus, which does not come until later that night. The driver comes in and asks us a couple of questions.)

Driver: *to me* “Why is that guy outside… really?”

Me: “He tried to buy beer and got kicked off of the bus.”

Driver: “I figured that much. He tried to say that you guys told the other driver to kick him off for no reason.”

(The driver let him on with a warning about lying to her and trying to buy another beer.)

Don’t Give Them Credit (Cards) For Trying

, , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(I’m at an online gaming company, getting trained for call-ins from customers. This is my first call, so my trainer’s looped in and can take over at any moment, and my entire class is listening in. No pressure, right?)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need help recovering some account information so I can play.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What’s your name, sir?”

Caller: *long pause* “My name is…”

(The customer proceeds to badly mispronounce an extremely common Asian name — think someone trying to pronounce the “h” in Thomas.)

Me: “Thank you, and for your secret question, [question]?”

(I begin typing up a report of the likely sale or compromise of the account as my trainer mutes his line and covers his mouth to keep from laughing.)

Caller: *correct answer, again mispronounced*

Me: “Thank you very much!” *look to the trainer, who’s biting his hand but nods as I lock the account for investigation* “What can I do for you?”

Caller: “Well, I’m on vacation in California–” *caller is calling from LA on an account registered to Boston* “–and I left my credit card at home, so my account’s expired. Is there any way you could tell me the credit card number on the account?”

Me: *quickly muting the call as several of my fellow employees are now laughing* “I’m so sorry to hear, but if you like we can associate your account with another card that you do have.”

Caller: “No, I left my wallet at home and don’t have any of my cards. I need that card so I can play again.”

Me: “Is there nobody you know who can go to your home and retrieve it? Having a vacation without any funds can’t be easy.”

Caller: “No, I want that card’s number. Give it to me.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we only have the last four digits visible. The rest is encrypted.”

Caller: “What? This is horrible service! I demand you tell me my full card!”

Me: *muting again as several coworkers are leaving the room; they know where this is going* “Sir, I’m afraid that the encryption is for your security. This protects against potential credit fraud.”

Caller: “I don’t care! I’m the customer. I called customer service! Service me!”

Me: “If you can visit one of several common stores in the area, they can sell you a time card, but I’m unable to share any credit card information on the account with you except for the last four digits and the expiration date; anything else is encrypted, and our company would be in breach of several consumer safety laws if it weren’t.”

Caller: “Fine! I’ll tell all my friends about how awful you’ve been. You’ve just lost over a hundred customers!”

Me: “I understand. I do hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation, Mr.—“ *copies caller’s pronunciation of customer’s name* “Have a good day.” *disconnect the call*

Trainer: “I don’t know whether to write you up or commend you for that.”

Caught You Egg-White Handed

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

(My coworker is handling a return when he calls me over.)

Coworker: “Can you check this? It doesn’t feel right.”

(I pick up the paint tin he is pointing at, and it does indeed feel off. The contents is moving around a lot more freely than expected.)

Me: “Sorry, but do you mind if I check the contents?”

Customer: “I do. You can check it after I have my refund.”

Me: “We won’t be refunding anything until I’m certain of what is inside.”

(I start removing the lid.)

Customer: “I SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED!”

Me: ”This is… I don’t know…”

Coworker: *to the customer and backing away* “What is it?”

Customer: “It’s… it’s egg white.”

Me: “An entire paint tin of egg whites?”

(He fumbled for a bit then made a grab for the tin. He then ran out of the store, spilling the egg white everywhere. The strange thing was, the amount of eggs he would have needed to purchase to fill any entire tin would have cost more than the refund.)

Should Have Done Their Homework

, , , | Working | August 10, 2017

(In my department at my company, each office phone has a unique phone number and we don’t have a “main line,” so we don’t often get calls from scammers… except for today when one of our lines rings with an unfamiliar area code. I am nearest to the phone so I pick up.)

Caller: “Hi, I’m a student at a university nearby and one of my business class assignments is to call a company and conduct an interview. I found you guys online and thought what you guys do is super interesting. Can you tell me about your company mission statement and operations?”

Me: *immediately suspicious because the number that was called is not on any website* “Sure, quick question: what school did you say you were calling from and for which class?”

Caller: “Uh, a business class at the university?”

Me: “Of course, but we have about four universities within 15 miles of here. So which institution are you calling from?”

Caller: “My professor just wants me to get—”

Me: “NO! What. School. Do. You. Go. To?”

(There is a muffled voice in the background saying “Hang up!”)

Me: *little victory dance as the line goes dead*

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