(The school I work for holds its detentions after school by default, with a maximum of one hour per day, depending on the nature of the offence. I am answering the phone.)

Me: “Good morning, [School].”

Caller: “Who should I talk to concerning issues with my son? Is it his tutor?”

Me: *thinking this is going to be a bullying issue* “Depending on the circumstances, the first port of call would either be his tutor or his head of year. May I ask what the problem is, ma’am?”

Caller: “You see, my son was late yesterday, and he could’ve been on time today, and he decided that since he was hungry, so he went to [Fast Food Place] at [Local Station]. What’s more, I found out he has left his PE kit behind, so I want them to know that I demand that he gets an hour’s detention tonight.”

Me: *genuinely surprised* “Not a problem, ma’am; I will pass that on to his head of year.”

(I get so used to parents trying to get kids out of detention that it floors me when someone tells me they want their child to be penalised. I shared this with some teachers and they found it brilliant.)

(I’m reading a book to a class of four- and five-year-olds. Many of them read the book several times last fall, so I’m curious to see if any of them remember.)

Me: “There was an old lady who swallowed some leaves; I don’t know why she swallowed some leaves, perhaps she’ll—”

Class: *in unison* “DIE.”

(Sneeze. The answer was sneeze.)

(I teach young kids how to swim. After the last group, I change into my clothes and wait in the hall for my ride. I spot a few kids from my group and overhear them.)

Kid #1: “Are you wearing your pajamas?!”

Kid #2: “Yes.”

Kid #1: “What are you, a baby?”

(Mind you, the kid is about six years old. The other kids start laughing. Having been bullied most of my youth, I can’t stand this behavior, but I also have a responsibility as a teacher to not just scream what I want to scream. I take a gamble.)

Me: “Well, I think it’s efficient!”

Kid #3: “What’s efficient?”

Me: “Well, [Kid #2] is very smart. By changing into her pajamas here, she doesn’t have to change at home. She saves a lot of time.”

Kid #1: “So?”

Me: “The time she saves by undressing and dressing again, she can now spend hanging out with her parents or watching TV. This way, she can stay up a little bit longer!”

(The group fell silent, and their parents picked them up. I wondered if my words had even helped. The next week, three more children were wearing pajamas after the lesson, and [Kid #1] screamed at his mother he wanted to wear his pajamas, too. Guess I set a trend?)

(We are all talking before the start of class when the following exchange occurs.)

Classmate #1: “Here’s a good one. ‘So, a man comes into a bar—’ Wait; it was a horse. Let me start over. ‘So, a man comes into a horse…’”

(Entire class groans while the professor gives him a look.)

Classmate #2: “You know, that’s actually legal in some states.”

Professor: *long pause* “Get out.”

(I am in math class at college on the first day of the semester, quietly sitting in my seat. The professor comes in and begins reading off the attendance list. When he gets to me:)

Me: *casually* “Hey, Dad.”

Father: *sigh* “Go to the office and tell them you need a different math teacher.”