I’ve got a really cool university professor. On day one, when he was showing us around the labs, he did this really cool performance.

Professor: “Ah, the door appears locked.”

Assistant: “Shall I get the key, sir?”

Professor: “No need; I’ve got my own key.”

He then pulled out a replica of the Elder Wand from “Harry Potter” and pointed it at the door.

Professor: “Alohomora!”

The automatic doors then opened immediately. Most of the doors in the lab building are automatic.

Professor: “Lumos!”

The lights turned themselves on.

Professor: “Ventus!”

The air conditioning activated.

Professor: “Piertotum Locomotor!”

A dozen Roombas all popped out and formed twin lines for us to walk through, like an honour guard.

The next year…

Professor: *In a fake Greek accent* “Now, lets-a see what’s inside you. I open your doors. Aaaaannnd flick!”

He flicked his fingers, and every single door in the building popped open as the lights and air conditioning also activated.

Then, the PA system in the building activated.

PA: *In Thor’s voice* “You flicked too hard, d*** it!”

The wonders you can do when your assistant is holding a remote control that can control everything in the building. I genuinely think that [Professor] has convinced at least a few of my classmates that he’s a real magician.

I’m a senior in high school. I’ve been in chorus since I was a freshman. We are having our annual Broadway-style revue, and everyone is running around like crazy backstage getting ready. There are several stage moms helping with makeup.

One of my friends warns me that one stage mom in particular is walking around with a tube of lipstick and putting it on the girls that she deems “not made up enough.” I have very sensitive skin, so I do my own makeup with my own products. I have done this every year with no issues.

I come out of the bathroom in full costume with several minutes to spare.

Stage Mom #1: “[My Name], you look so nice.”

Me: “Thank you, Mrs. [Stage Mom #1].”

Stage Mom #1: “What makeup brand do you use?”

Me: “[Brand known for sensitive skin].”

Stage Mom #1: “Really? I didn’t know it could look that nice. I’ll have to check into that for next year!”

I smile and thank her again. She walks off to help another kid with his costume.

I head back to my stuff to grab my water bottle when [Stage Mom #2] walks over with lipstick in hand. I don’t get along with her daughter, so she’s never been nice to me.

Stage Mom #2: “Are you wearing any lipstick?”

Me: “I have my own, thank you!”

Stage Mom #2: “[My Name], that is not enough lipstick.”

Me: “I’m going to add some more right before I go onstage. That way, it’s totally fresh.”

Stage Mom #2: “No, you’ll add some right now.”

She opens the lipstick and attempts to put it on me. I dodge out of the way.

Me: “I have my own!”

I reach into my bag and pull out my lipstick, along with my shimmer gloss.

Me: “I’m all set.”

Stage Mom #2: “No, you need this stuff.”

She comes at me with the lipstick again and I step back.

Me: “I’m not wearing that. One, that’s not my color. Two, I have sensitive skin and I can’t wear that brand. Three, you’ve been using that on everyone. That’s germy.”

Stage Mom #2: “You’re going to look washed out on stage. Stop being disrespectful and let me help you!”

She has a smug look on her face as she opens the lipstick again. In one smooth motion, I grab my makeup bag, step back, and bolt for the nearby single-stall bathroom. I lock the door in record time. [Stage Mom #2] bangs on the door.

Me: “Mrs. [Stage Mom #2], I am putting on my lipstick and more gloss.”

Stage Mom #2: “You’ll be sorry! Just wait until [Director] hears how disrespectful you are!”

She stomped off. I added more lip gloss and cautiously slipped out of the bathroom with just a minute to spare. Our number went well, and I did not get in trouble with our director. However, half the girls in the class ended up sick a couple of days later.

Last month, my daughter’s middle school English teacher asked her students to write a haiku to review for a vocabulary test. The haiku had to utilize at least one of their vocabulary words. The teacher also gave them another specific instruction remarking that the students were NOT allowed to end their haikus with the word “refrigerator,” which is a popular joke in haiku circles as the word contains five syllables.

So, my daughter came up with this little gem:

Poem: “Refrigerator

I circumvented the rule

Haha microwave”

I eventually stopped laughing long enough to wipe away my prideful tears and give her a hug. (“Circumvent” was one of their vocabulary words.)

Her teacher just laughed and said, in a slightly annoyed tone:

Teacher: “That’s very clever.”

My daughter received full credit on the assignment.

I’m a freelance digital illustrator. I mostly work with illustrating children’s books, but I also do logos and T-shirt designs.

Recently, an older acquaintance of mine approached me on Facebook and asked me to design a business logo for them for pay. They wanted me to copy a pre-existing logo they had found on Google and tweak the text and minor things to make it their own.

Me: “I could do that, but I recommend that we deviate from that design as much as possible, or you could run into copyright issues.”

Client: “It’s just for a school project, so I don’t think we need to worry about copyright.”

Me: “Wait, a school project? This isn’t something you’re doing for homework, is it?”

Client: “The overall assignment is to create an art business. The logo is something I want to do to enhance the overall appearance. That’s why I don’t want you to put too much into it. Just something simple.”

I was shocked by this. Naturally, I wasn’t going to do someone’s art homework for pay, so I turned them down. They then mentioned that they were in a “Master Level” class and they would “give me credit” and that they would find “another artist to do it” if I didn’t accept. It didn’t change my mind.

Client: “Okay. It’s too bad because it would have been good PR for you.”

I unfriended them shortly after this.

I overheard this in a group project workshop.

Student #1: “Ah, sorry we’re late! Traffic, you know?”

Student #2: “YOU LIVE ON CAMPUS!”