(I teach kindergarteners and first-graders on Wednesday nights at my church. Tonight’s lesson is about the Tower of Babel. The point is to teach how language can be confusing.)
Me: “It’s hard to understand someone when they speak a different language, but sometimes it can be hard to understand someone even if they speak the same language as you. For instance, in Britain, even though they speak English, they use different words to describe the same things we have.”
Students: “No, they don’t. They speak English.”
Me: “So, you think if you went to London tomorrow, you could understand what they were saying?”
Students: “Yes!”
Me: “Okay. So, I leave my flat and take the lift down, only to discover my car is out of petrol. I call a tow truck on my mobile, but they want fifty pounds. So, I start my holiday off by taking the Tube to the football game, where I eat chips, not crisps. What did I say?”
Students: “Uh… We don’t know.”
(I pulled out a list I had prepared earlier, and we went through them one by one.)
(I am a middle school teacher. We have announcements every day at the end of school. The principal is making an announcement about our new writing club and this is what I hear:)
Principal: “Do you like writing or kind of like writing? The join our writing club! Join others to create short stories, porn, and other fun things!”
Me: “WHAT?!”
Students: “Poems. She said poems.”
(The students definitely heard the same thing I did, too. The principal might want to enunciate a bit more!)
(In year seven — the first year of high school — I have a maths teacher who can be extremely strict at times, but my older brother who had him three years ago gives me a tip: ask him about his favourite subject and he’ll talk to anyone about it for the whole class. It is the last day of term and there is less than half the class present.)
Maths Teacher: “We’re going to have a quiz on everything we’ve learned this term.”
(Cue groaning from the class.)
Me: “Hey, sir, I was watching a documentary last night and was wondering if you believe in aliens?”
(He spent the rest of the class talking about outer space, etc. I used it a few times throughout the year — never on important classes — but it certainly made maths class more interesting. He would forget all about maths and talk to anyone interested and leave the rest alone. Luckily, no one else in my class caught on.)
(I’m a female grad student getting my Master’s in engineering and I am late for class. I’m rushing to get there as quick as I can. This college is known to be, well, generally close-minded due to the dense Mormon population. This is shortly after the announcement of Trump’s travel ban. Also, I am not white.)
Student: *cuts me off* “Excuse me. Can you please sign our petition to show you are against the travel ban?”
Me: “I really don’t have time; I’m late for class already.”
Student: “But we need your support! We need to show that what Trump is doing is wrong!”
Me: “Seriously, I don’t have time. Now I’ve got to go.”
Student: “But aren’t you worried about how this is going to affect your family?”
(That’s when I stop dead in my tracks.)
Me: “I’m Native American.”
Student: “…”
Me: “So, what? Because I’m not white I must be a foreigner? Is that it?”
Student: “…”
Me: “Maybe next time, you should think before you make dumb assumptions.”
Student: “…” *runs off*
(I’ve also had tour guides ask me to share with their groups “my life as an international student” and ask me to translate for Spanish-speaking members for them. One more event like this and the Dean of Students is going to get a complaint from me.)
(In second grade, my class prepares for first Reconciliation by practicing with our teacher and a nun who works at the church. The teacher or nun sits in the priest’s chair and we go in and have a pretend confession. The rest of the class watches so that we can learn from each other. Naturally, some students decide to have some fun with it.)
Nun: “What sins have you committed?”
Student: *grinning* “I farted in my dad’s face on purpose!”
Nun: “Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it?”
