Maybe Just Stick To Chicken Jokes

, , , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

“Duck shoes” — leather upper, rubber sole — are popular. We only sell athletic shoes — Nike, Reebok, etc.

Girl: “Do you have duck shoes?”

Me: “No, their feet are too wide and we find it hard to fit them.”

Girl: “Okay.” *Walks away obliviously*

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Unfiltered Story #196210

, , , | Unfiltered | June 11, 2020

This happened in 1998. I had just graduated from High School and was leaving in a few days for college. I was working second shift of my last night at a very popular convenient store chain in the Philadelphia area.

It was close to my quitting time, around 10PM, when this mid-aged woman dressed in a filthy white shirt and short shorts. The size of her outfit tells me that she has either grown out of her clothes, or they have shrunk and she didn’t care because her stomach was showing through the top and the bottoms were so tight that it gave her a wedgie. When she entered she was either high or drunk, or both because she was surly and loud. She then approaches the register and she asks me how much a hot dog is and a fountain soda is, so I tell her. She then says she wants a hot dog (at this time we had to assemble the hot dogs). I put the hot dog in the bun and she asks for cheese. I take the ladle and pour the recommended serving of cheese on it. She wants more, so I oblige. She says more, and at this point I’m staring at her while my head is tilted and I’m glaring at her over the rim of my glasses. I dip the ladle deep in small vat of cheese and drown the hot dog in hot melted cheese thinking that she’s going to reject it, but to my surprise she takes it and goes up to the register where I proceed to ring her up. I tell her the total, which came to like somewhere below two dollars, and she hands me change totaling less than a dollar. As I try to tell her that it’s not enough she waves at my like she is leaving while I’m telling she has to come back to finish the sale. While all this is going on, my shift manager is monitoring the situation and goes after her. They comes back in the store and my SM tells her she needs to pay more. She then starts to get belligerent towards the two of us, making accusations at the two of us of harassment, theft, and sexual harassment, thank God it was dead this evening. My SM decides to call the police who come to take her away, but not before getting physical with her. While they were wrestling with her with she bends over which expose the wedgie that showed evidence of excrement. After the Police have wrestled her in their cruiser one of the officers comes in with her purse and asks how much she owed, and I told her. He proceeds to rummage through her purse, mind you with rubber gloves on, and pulls out a ratty, filthy, wrinkly dollar bill. As he hands it to me I look at him with a face of disgust and he then looks me straight in the eyes and says “you don’t want to know where that came from.” I asked if there were any other bills in there that may be “more sanitary” and he says no. I take the dollar with the tip of fingers and put it next to the register making a decision that I can deal with my draw being a dollar short.

Having A Pew Pew Fight

, , , , , | Right | June 7, 2020

I work at a church as a sacristan helping keep the church orderly for Mass. There are often special elderly parishioners in attendance who have issues.

Old Lady #1: “This is my pew!”

Old Lady #2: “No, this is my pew.”

Me: “Excuse me, ladies. Here at [Church] we believe that community members should share the Mass together. How about both of you sit in this pew?”

Old Lady #1: “This is the 10:30 Mass and this pew is my pew for the 10:30 Mass. I have always sat in this pew for the 10:30 Mass. I have been sitting in this pew for the 10:30 Mass since 1932. Long before you or this bat have been here!”

Old Lady #2: “No, I’ve been sitting here. This is my pew!”

The conversation proceeds on like this with me trying to interject and break things up to no avail. Eventually, a priest comes over.

Priest: “Excuse me, but what seems to be the issue here?”

The two old ladies are practically at blows. They shout their pew story at the priest and he takes [Old Lady #1] by the hand and leads her to a different empty pew, talking with her all the way.

Old Lady #1: “No, no, that’s my pew!”

Eventually, we started Mass and they stopped. This happens every other week. We still have yet to figure out how to resolve it.

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Maybe He’s After The Rubber Kind?

, , , , | Right | May 26, 2020

A customer drives up to the speaker in the drive-thru.

Customer: “Is this the Colonel Restaurant?”

I clearly am not expecting that question.

Me: “Excuse me? 

Customer: “Is this KFC?”

Me: “Um… yeah?!”

Customer: “What kind of chicken do you guys have?”

I cut off the mic for a second.

Me: “This is gonna be a long night.”

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Explaining Himself In Excruciating Detail

, , , , , , | Learning | May 26, 2020

I am a math teacher at an elementary school. In the late 1980s, I had this one fourth-grader who was very brilliant but sometimes took directions a little too literally. One day, I had the class do a special math problem together after the lesson, where they not only had to show their work as usual but also provide a written explanation on the back of the worksheet detailing the purpose of each step taken to solve the problem.

While the class was working, I noticed that the brilliant kid took a little longer to solve the problem than usual. When he turned it in at the end of class, I saw why.

He had written an overly-detailed explanation explaining literally everything he had done. It was so long and detailed that he actually took up not only the whole backside of the worksheet — most students needed only little more than half — but also about a dozen lines on a sheet of notebook paper.

I laughed to myself and gave him a four — the highest score possible — because he had solved the problem correctly and, while very long, his explanation was ”technically” correct. I told him that the next time I gave him a similar problem, he only needed to explain the solution the same way that his math book explained how to solve example problems.

It’s been over thirty years, and he has since graduated from a nearby Ivy League college and gotten a career in statistics. His son now attends my school and will be in my class for the 2020-21 school year.

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