Just Another American Tourist In America

, , , , | | Right | July 18, 2019

(In Hawai’i, you pronounce the words syllable by syllable, and apostrophes are consonants — they are called okina, or glottal stops. Most Ws are the V sound. For example, Hawai’i is pronounced “Ha-vy-ee,” but Waikiki is pronounced “Why-kee-kee.” I am ten, and I’ve just arrived, so I don’t know any of this. The taxi driver is taking us on the Like Like Highway.)

Me: “The Like Like Highway? So, you can only drive on here if you like-like someone?”

Driver: *laughs* “This is the Lee-keh Lee-keh Highway. But every tourist says that!”

(I’m so sorry.)

Two Peas In A Space Pod

, , , , , | | Related | July 16, 2019

Brother: “Did you know that there are more grains of sand in the world than there are peas?”

Me: “How do we know there aren’t peas on other planets?”

A Very Testing Drive

, , , , , , | | Legal | July 15, 2019

(As a “genius” for a luxury German car company, part of my job is to book and take people out on test drives. A man comes in with a foreign driving license, but as it is within 18 months of citizenship, it is technically valid under UK law at the time. I take all of his details and nothing flags on the system. The next day, the man comes in and it’s apparent that he doesn’t speak great English. He has a three-week old baby in a car seat and wants to take her on the test drive. I check with my manager; it’s not typical but we allow it and we get going. Part of the test drive is on the local motorway so that people can test the cars at a higher speed. Suddenly, the man takes off like a bat out of Hell. Even though we are test driving a sports car, we still have to obey the law. I inform the man that he has to slow down. At this point, he’s going 120 mph in a 70-mph zone.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. You need to slow down.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re breaking the law. If you cannot slow down to the speed limit, we’ll have to stop the car and I’ll drive us back to the dealership.”

Customer: “My car now.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “This is my car now. No dealership.”

Me: “Sir, this is a test drive. We need to go back to the dealership and you need to slow down.”

Customer: “I signed papers. This is my car now.”

Me: “But you didn’t pay for the car. You need to take the next exit.”

Customer: “My car now.”

(I started to freak out. It was becoming fairly clear that I was being kidnapped whilst this man tried to steal a car during a test drive. I was in a car with someone that didn’t seem to speak my language well but also didn’t seem to care that he was going 120 mph with a fairly newborn baby in the back seat. I pressed the panic button to alert the police and waited as he sped down the motorway. Soon, there were blue and red lights, and a car chase followed. Luckily, the man pulled over very quickly. He tried to run away down the hard shoulder of the motorway, leaving his infant daughter behind. I don’t know if he honestly thought he’d bought the car, or even thought about why I was in the car with him. He was arrested and charged with kidnapping and endangering a minor, and for the attempted theft of the very expensive vehicle. I still don’t understand why someone would try to steal a car during a test drive, when we had all their details! Insane.)

Lost In Insulting Translation

, , , , , | | Friendly | July 15, 2019

(My mother and I are walking through a parking lot when a giant van suddenly cuts in front of us and keeps heading towards us! We stop and the guy has his window open and is glaring.)

Mom: “Hey, we’re pedestrians! Don’t cut in front of us like that!”

(He speeds up and we move to the side. As he pulls ahead, he honks his horn loudly several times before shouting back at us.)

Guy: “You’re eating that godd*** baloney sandwich!”

(My mom and I cracked up. I think he was trying to say we were full of baloney. In any case, we were pedestrians with the right of way and he was a reckless driver who nearly hit us, so we know who really was “eating that godd*** baloney sandwich.”)

Will Never Tire Of These Stories

, , , , | | Hopeless | July 11, 2019

I am driving my car and hit a curb. I get out, hoping my tire is okay, but I have a flat tire. Since it’s 8:00 am and my dad is asleep, I decide I can do it all by myself. I get everything out of my trunk and set up. I get it lifted when a car stops behind mine. 

It’s an older man, about fifty. He offers to help and really won’t take no for an answer. We get the tire changed without too many troubles. After we are done, he hands me a 100-dollar bill. I try to give it back but he insists. I couldn’t believe how a stranger could be so helpful to someone in need. 

I used the money to buy a new tire. It reminds me that there are some decent people left.

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