Stalled Car-Ma

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 25, 2021

I’m heading home from my college summer job, and a traffic light changes before I expect it to; I’ve never come this way before. I fumble the clutch and stall the engine.

The guy behind me nearly plows into me and leans on the horn until I get the car restarted. In fact, he whips around me, nearly hitting me as I move off, and he flips me a bird as he does.

At the next light, I’m right behind him… where he proves that he is also driving a manual transmission by stalling his engine!

I tap my horn — just a warbly little “toot!” — and laugh as he flinches.

Karma is seldom so obliging!

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The Windows Are Open But No One Is Home

, , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: FinancialElephant5 | July 23, 2021

After work one day, I stopped by the store to get some stuff for dinner. I had gotten little sleep the night before, and I accidentally locked my keys in my car. They had fallen out of my purse, or I thought I put them in my purse; I honestly don’t know how I did it. I am surprised I got to the store.

My car windows were up completely, so there was no way of somehow jamming something in there to unlock it. However, I had a spare key at the apartment, so I called my boyfriend.

Me: “Hey, I accidentally locked myself out of the car. Can you bring me my spare car key?”

Boyfriend: “How did you even do that?”

Me: “I honestly don’t remember — something involving my purse. Can you bring me my car key please? I’ll get you Pop-Tarts.”

Boyfriend: “Just unlock your car.”

Me: “I can’t. My keys are locked in the car.”

Boyfriend: “No, you can unlock it. Just stick your hand through the window and unlock it.”

Me: “No, I can’t. My window is up.”

Boyfriend: “Get a coat hanger.”

Me: “I can’t. My window is completely up. There is absolutely no way I can get anything through my window.”

Boyfriend: “Yes, you can. Just stick your hand through the window and unlock it!”

I honestly couldn’t believe I was actually having this conversation.

Me: “Listen to me very carefully. My window is completely rolled up, meaning there is no way for me to put my hand through the window and unlock it. There is no way to put a coat hanger through the window because the window, all the windows, are completely rolled up!”

Boyfriend: “Well, I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

Me: “BRING. ME. MY. SPARE. CAR. KEY.”

Boyfriend: “WHY?!”

I honestly thought he was messing with me, but he really sounded aggravated and like I wasn’t understanding him at all.

Me: “I will tell you later. Please bring me my spare car key from the apartment. Please.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, fine. I don’t see why you need it.”

I hung up, completely frustrated. I went inside and got my shopping done. I saw [Boyfriend]’s car pull into the store’s parking lot and headed outside to meet him. He handed me my spare key.

Me: “Come here, [Boyfriend].”

Boyfriend: “Ooooh, am I going to get a kiss?!”

No.

Me: “Look into my car, [Boyfriend].”

He looked into my car.

Me: “Do you see my keys in there, [Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: “Yes?”

Me: “Try to get them out, [Boyfriend].”

He tried to open my car door. It was locked.

Boyfriend: “I can’t; it’s locked.”

Me: “Try to get them out without my spare car key.”

He then proceeded to look for a window crack. There was none.

Boyfriend: “I can’t. There isn’t a way to stick my hand or anything in there to unlock.”

I stared at him. He didn’t understand why I was staring at him.

I handed him my spare key and told him to show me how to get the car keys out now. He then unlocked the door, rolled down my window, locked the car, shut the door, and then reached his arm through the OPEN window and unlocked it.

Boyfriend: “See, like that. Unlock it like that!”

At this point, I had such a massive headache from him not understanding why it was literally impossible for me to do any of that that I just put the groceries into my car, got into my car, and drove home.

That night at home, he asked if I was mad at him.

Me: “I wouldn’t say mad. I’m more… frustrated… annoyed… tired… baffled.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can understand, especially if you couldn’t simply unlock your door like I showed you today.”

I went and got high after that.

Two weeks later, we decided to go to the downtown area for our date night. Before heading downtown, we had to get gas. I was waiting in his car when he rolled down his window and unlocked it from the outside by sticking his arm through THE OPEN WINDOW.

Boyfriend: “Seeee, like that. Next time your keys are locked in your car, unlock it like that.”

He later brought it up to my mom at dinner. She also tried to explain to him why his idea wouldn’t work AT ALL, but he was determined to make sense of it, when he couldn’t because the f****** WINDOW WAS ROLLED UP.

That was two years ago. I am still very much dating him; in fact, we are engaged now. I love him deeply; he is a good man. He just happens to be an idiot.

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So The Serpent Was A Python, Then?

, , , , , | Related | July 23, 2021

I am visiting my mother for Mother’s Day. I know it’s important to my mom that I attend church, so I allow her to drag me to her church on Sunday morning. Right as we are leaving, I get a call from work because they are having issues with a program I support. So, during the drive, I stay on the phone, walking them through some suggestions of how to debug what is happening to fix the program.

Me: “I’d diff them, then grep the diff for that DN and pipe it to WC.”

Mother: “It’s a good thing you’re finally going to church because you’re already speaking in tongues!”

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If There’s A Tournament He’s The Jester

, , , , , , | Right | July 22, 2021

Our comic shop is located in a busy section of downtown. During the weekends, people will try and park in our small lot to go to other stores or just walk around. We have a sign stating that we will tow off non-customer cars. I am working on a busy Saturday when I see a man park and begin walking in the opposite direction of the store. I walk out and flag him down before he gets far.

Me: “SIR! You can’t park here if you’re not a customer! You’ll have to either move to another lot or use the city parking garage down the street.”

Older Man: “Miss, I am not going to be long. I’ll be back in a few hours. I’m sure your store will survive my car being there.”

We have a tournament starting soon and our lot WILL fill up very quickly.

Me: “We actually need that spot. We have a tournament starting soon and—”

Older Man: “That’s nice. I really don’t care.”

He walks off. I go back into the store fuming.

Me: “Hey, [Owner], that guy is going to be taking that spot up for hours. What do you want to do?”

Owner: “You know the number. Call the tow truck.”

I smile evilly and call the towing company. They arrive in half an hour and tow off the vehicle. We have their business card for when this happens. The tournament starts soon after his vehicle is removed and is in full swing a few hours later when we see the old man come back, looking around where his car used to be. He comes stomping inside, face red.

Older Man: “You! You f****** b****! Where is my car?!”

Me: “Towed, about three hours ago. Here’s the card for the company.”

I handed over the card for the towing company, and he simply took it with one shaking hand and walked out. Right as he got outside, he let out this roar of rage, grabbed the plastic trash can we keep out front, and threw it at the window. Since the window is plexiglass, the can just bounced off the window and rolled back to the man’s feet. The entire store was quiet for a moment, and then someone started to giggle. Soon, we were all laughing, fake roaring, and pointing at how stupid he looked. He flipped us off and stormed off, never to be seen again.

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Sovereign Citizen, Stupid Coworker

, , , , , | Legal | July 12, 2021

I work in a nursing home. My coworker and I don’t get along very well, mostly due to personality conflicts. He’s a Sovereign Citizen, a group of people who think they are above the law due to old irrelevant documents that date back to pre-Civil War. I know little about the movement because I don’t like their attitude when it comes to the law and they just generally get on my nerves. My coworker is no exception. I work in a different department from him — I’m in housekeeping and he’s in maintenance — but we share a supervisor.

One day, said supervisor asked me to drive [Coworker] to a nearby gas station to fill up some gas cans for the building’s generators since they were nearly empty. Though I didn’t really want to drive [Coworker] anywhere, I agreed, since he didn’t have a car, and really, I can put up with him for a total of half an hour, right? Well, on the way back to the building after getting our cargo, I accidentally drove past a stop sign due to a brief lapse in my attention due to trying my hardest to ignore my coworker’s rambling.

Me: *Looking back for a second* “S***, I blew a stop sign.”

Coworker: *Waves a hand* “Eh, I drive past them all the time if I don’t see anyone else.”

Me: “Well, I try not to regardless. We got lucky that there was no one at that intersection. It’d be just my luck if I got pulled…”

Sure enough, when I looked at my rear-view mirror, there were blue lights, and the police cruiser that had shown up out of nowhere chirped its siren.

Me: “…over.”

I sighed and turned on my hazards, slowly pulled over to the side of the road, put my car in park, and started rolling my window down.

Coworker: “Don’t roll it down too far; you don’t need to—”

I interrupted him and rolled my window most of the way down.

Me: “[Coworker], I’m going to need you to stop right now, okay?”

Coworker: *Offended* “Hey, I’m just trying to help. They don’t own the roads. You’re just traveling—”

Me: “No, [Coworker], I’m driving, and I’m not putting up with your Sovereign Citizen, or Freeman of the Land, or whatever s*** today.”

I pulled out my license and then leaned over to open my glove box for my registration and insurance, but my coworker had pinned his knee to the door.

Me: “Move your knee so I can get my documents.”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: *Stares at him* “What? No, we’re not doing this right now.”

I looked back at the officer who had just arrived at my window, smiled politely, if strained, and opened my mouth to speak, but my coworker interjected.

Coworker: “He doesn’t have to give you anything! [My Name], keep your license. They’re just pulling you over because they have nothing better to do except bother people who are lawfully traveling—”

I shook my head, wide-eyed, at the cop, who looked at me with surprise at my passenger’s outburst, trying to communicate that I did not agree with anything my passenger was saying as he kept ranting about maritime law or something.

Me: “Here, take my license before he tries to grab it from me.” 

I held it out to the officer, outside of the window and out of my coworker’s reach.

Coworker: “Hey, stop! You don’t have to—”

I finally snapped and rounded on my coworker, screaming in his face.

Me: “Yes, I do! Shut the f*** up, [Coworker]! You’re not helping! Stop talking! I’m sick of your bulls*** and I’ve got half a mind to trespass you out of my f****** car! One more word, [Coworker], and I’ll tell this officer to drag you out in handcuffs! Now, MOVE YOUR F****** LEG!”

I glared, panting hard through my nose at my coworker, who stared right back, looking terrified, before he shrank back into the passenger seat and pulled his knee away from the glove compartment. I tugged it open, grabbed my documents with shaking hands, and turned back to the police officer, who stood patiently with his hand out, looking bemused but not otherwise. Red-faced and shaking, I handed over my documents.

Me: “Sorry about that, officer. Is this about the stop sign I blew back there?”

Officer: “No problem, sir, and yes. Just so you know, if you do trespass him out of your car, you would need to make a statement for us, which might take a little while longer.”

Me: “As long as I can call my supervisor and let him know I’ll take longer than expected, I’m fine with that.”

Officer: *Stepping back toward his cruiser* “Just give me a few minutes.”

Several minutes went by, and I didn’t even look at my coworker, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he was fidgeting and looking my way. I couldn’t tell if he was sulking or scared, but I took a swig of water and composed myself by the time the cop returned.

Officer: *Handing me back my documents* “I’m just going to give you a warning today. Promise me you’ll pay attention to those stop signs in the future, sir.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Thank you, and I promise.”

The officer wished me a good day, and I put my documents and the warning in the glove compartment and my wallet back in my pocket, and finally looked my coworker in the face. He looked back at me for a second and then turned away without making any effort to apologize or even look ashamed. He was put out.

The first chance I got, I went to my supervisor to report the interaction to him and told my side of the story first, including the fact that I swore at him and threatened to have him trespassed out of my car and potentially arrested. He was shocked at first, but I could tell he was thinking about the person [Coworker] was, and he let out a sigh, telling me that he would still hear [Coworker]’s side but that I likely wouldn’t get into trouble.

Sure enough, [Coworker] came to [Supervisor] with a similar story, though he claimed I threatened to shoot him on the side of the road, despite the fact that I don’t own a firearm. The next day, [Supervisor] approached me.

Supervisor: “[My Name], would you like to start training for a new position in maintenance that just opened up?”

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