Gossip Girls

, , , | Related | February 18, 2019

(My sister and her friend are big gossips. I have the misfortune of missing the bus and my sister is the only available driver on short notice.)

Sister: “So, how was your cousin’s wedding? “

Sister’s Friend: “It was nice. During the reception, the groom snuck up the bride’s poofy gown.”

Sister: “Someone decided to start the honeymoon early.”

Me: *trying to find my headphones*

Sister’s Friend: “Speaking of which, I heard you and [Sister’s Husband] are trying to conceive.”

Sister: “Yeah. We had trouble conceiving normally, so we’re trying other methods. Yesterday, he went to the sperm bank and we ended up having phone sex.”

(That’s just a small portion of a thirty-minute car ride that seemed much longer. I forgot my headphones. Lesson learned, wake up early…)

Stuck In A Bloody Cycle

, , , , , | Healthy | February 13, 2019

About twelve years ago I was riding my motorcycle when I got hit by a driver that didn’t look to see whether the road was clear while exiting her driveway. The impact and subsequent fall wrecked the bike pretty badly; the lights and the mirrors were shattered, the rear brake drum had cracked, the clutch got stuck on partially-disengaged, and the transmission got stuck on third. I was okay, aside from a nasty cut on my chin that got the front of my jacket covered in blood.

After checking myself for bodily injuries and concluding that I had sustained none aside from that cut, I exchanged the mandatory details with the woman that hit me, and told her I wanted to contact the police to have an accident report filled. The woman exclaimed that “she had no time for this,” and promptly drove off, leaving her front bumper, which had torn off in the collision, behind. I then found out that I had no battery remaining on my phone.

I just went to the police station to get that report, on that very bike which was somehow still driveable with all that damage. The officer I spoke to was horrified by the way I looked with all that blood, told me that the report could wait, and urged me to go to the ER to get myself examined. When he asked me whether I could get to the hospital myself, I absent-mindedly just nodded and pointed at the helmet I had in my hand. That seemed to satisfy him and I went on my way.

In retrospect, I don’t know what was worse: the fact that I rode a motorcycle in a condition that made it nowhere near legal to be ridden right up to the police station’s front door, or that the officer, who must have assumed that I was involved in a serious crash, was perfectly fine with me riding the motorcycle involved in that very same crash to the hospital.

Blinker And You’ll Miss It

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2019

(There’s a lot of construction near our store, and to head north, there’s a lot of zig zags to get where the drivers need to be. I get a call from corporate about a complaint that’s on the line.)

Caller: “Your driver is awful!”

Corporate: “What’s the problem? I have the truck pulled up and the manager on the line.”

Caller: “She’s abusing the blinker!”

Me: “Huh?”

Caller: “She keeps using her blinker! All the time!”

Corporate: “So, your issue is the driver is using the blinker? Is she using it prior to turns or lane changes?”

Caller: “Yeah, but there’s no need to use the blinker! She’s just being annoying!”

Corporate: “Ma’am, our drivers are obligated to follow all local, state, and federal traffic laws.”

Caller: “There’s no need to use the blinker!”

Me: *hearing road noise* “Ma’am, are you driving right now?”

Caller: “Of course, you f****** moron! How else can I see your idiot driver?”

Me: “Ma’am, in [Location], it’s illegal to use a cellular phone while operating a motor vehicle.”

Caller: “F*** you! Of course you defend your s***ty driver!” *hangs up*

Me: “So, the issue was [Driver] was following the law and [Caller] wasn’t?”

Corporate: “Yeah, I’m not writing this one up.”

The Only Worthy Reason To Become A Police Officer

, , , , , | Legal | February 8, 2019

Guest: “Are you security here?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Guest: “There’s a car blocking the street and I can’t get through to the exit.”

Me: “Ma’am… um… that’s a police car, and they can park wherever they want. All you need to d…”

Guest: “Well, if he can park there, why can’t I?”

Me: “Because you’re not a law enforcement officer on official business, ma’am. Now, to exit, you just tu…”

Guest: “How do I get to be a cop so I can park in the street?”

Me: “Contact your local police department, ma’am; they’ll give you details. Just turn left, drive to the end of the row, and turn right; takes you straight to the exit.”

Don’t Cross Him

, , , , , | Legal | January 30, 2019

There are areas near where I live where walking paths cross across the street, with large bushes on either side that make it impossible to see if anyone is standing and waiting to cross until you are pretty much right on top of the crossing. For this reason, I slow down every time I approach these crossings, just in case someone is waiting there and decides to start crossing without checking. This has proven wise several times, including in this incident.

I was approaching the crossing, slowed down as usual, and then had to slam on my brakes when three guys came hurtling down the path and into the road in front of me. No attempt to check, and no way they could have seen the road to tell if it was clear. The car approaching from the other direction hadn’t slowed down and ended up having to swerve partway into my side of the road to keep from hitting the guys, who waved their arms and shouted a bit at the car.

At this point, rather than pulling back into his lane and moving on, the other driver put his car in park, jumped out, and chased the three guys off onto the path and out of sight. This left me and a couple of other cars that had been coming the other way stuck there with this car partially blocking both lanes. I inched forward a bit to see if I could get around, but there wasn’t enough room. I’d just reached down to pull out my phone and call 911 about the car blocking the road when the guy came back. He then proceeded to flip me off, climb into his car, and rev his engine, before swerving back into his lane and peeling out, almost clipping my car in the process.

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