He Needs Your Clothes, Your Unwavering Faith, And Your Motorcycle

, , , | Related | August 16, 2017

(I live in a city that is the home of a very well known evangelical leader. I am driving home from church with my family when we spot a custom license plate and try to decipher it.)

Husband: “High school comeback?”

Me: “Oh! I bet it’s ‘He’s coming back.’”

Daughter: “Who’s coming back?”

Husband: “Jesus.”


Me: “Or The Terminator.”

Georgia Wagstaff, Meet Richard Parker

, , , | Related | August 15, 2017

(I am in the car with my three-and-a-half-year-old son on our way home from the toy shop. He picked out a stuffed tiger. It should be noted that he occasionally forgets what he named his toys.)

Me: “That’s a very cool tiger. What will you name him?”

Son: “Mummy, it’s a girl!”

Me: “Okay, she still needs a name.” *trying to think of something he can remember* “How about Fluffy?”

Son: “No.”

Me: “Stripes?”

Son: “No.”

Me: “What about Ginger?”

Son: “I don’t like those names!”

Me: “So what will you call her?”

Son: “Georgia Wagstaff!”

(I have no idea where he heard those names but two years later the tiger is still named Georgia Wagstaff and he still plays with her.)

Mom Vs Math

, , , | Related | August 11, 2017

(I’m in the car with my mom. She’s talking to my dad and they are talking about taking the dog to the groomers.)

Mom: “We need to take the dog to the groomers every twelve weeks.”

Me: “So every three months.”

Mom: “No, four.”

Me: “How many weeks are in a month?”

Mom: “Four.”

Me: “What’s three times four?”

Mom: “Twelve… Oh, be quiet.”

The Phone Does NOT Want To Go There

, , , , | Friendly | August 11, 2017

(My friend is texting another friend, and because I’m driving, is reading the text to me as she types.)

Friend: “Okay, so… we’re… going to… have lunch… and… then… after… we’re going… to… Plato’s— f***, not perjury… Plato’s– s***, not plates… PLATO’S— d*** it, NOT PIRATES… PLATO’S! F***! PLATO’S!… Okay, there we go… Plato’s… Closet. Stupid phone.”

If Your Prostate Is There It Needs To Be Checked!

, , , | Related | July 31, 2017

(My mom has a tendency to not believe things I tell her in general. But this one takes the cake. In the car, on the way home from the gynecologist:)

Me: “I hate going to the gyno so much. Men are so lucky they don’t have to suffer through this.”

Mom: “Oh! But men have it worse. They need to get their prostates checked.”

Me: “Yeah, but that’s just one finger. And when they are like 40.”

Mom: “But a finger in their… ‘peepee hole!'”

Me: “WHAT?! MOM, NO!” *I explain the process*

Mom: “No, no… you are just making that up. How are they going to reach the prostate from there?”

(Six years later, she still believes this.)

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