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It’s Never A Problem Until It Happens To You

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 30, 2021

Despite living on a quiet road with play parks and schools, we still get idiots driving up and down the road as fast as possible. There have been lots of near misses and it’s only a matter of time before someone really injures themself.

Every time anyone tries to lobby for traffic calming measures, a bunch of idiots whine about how it will affect them (marginally) and complain against it. One idiot in particular, Mr. Whiner, always jumps on any post to defend any wrongdoers, stating he lives on that very street and essentially, because he doesn’t see it, it can’t be true or that bad.

Eventually, it happens: some manchild drives his car so quickly it clips the kerb, bouncing it across the road and into a parked car. The parked car of Mr. Whiner has its front end obliterated. How the driver walked out was tantamount to a miracle.

Of course, Mr. Whiner suddenly can’t understand why no one has done anything already.

This Interaction Sounds Very Tire-ing

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: pavelkar21 | November 27, 2021

Yesterday, my dad told me to stop by his work and change my tires from winter to summer ones. I arrived just when they were having lunch. I loaded the tires and tools on a cart and moved it closer to my car. Around five minutes later, a car I had never seen before arrived. It was the typical family SUV, and it parked behind the building rather than in a parking space for customers in the front. This was strange.

A woman got out of the car and approached. I watched, wondering what she was going to do. When she came close enough to me, she could hear my car radio blasting, so she gestured to me to lower the volume, so that’s exactly what I did.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, when can I come and pick my car up?”

I didn’t know she thought this was an auto shop.

Me: “I dunno. Whenever you want, I guess?”

Woman: “Oh, that’s awesome. I’m going to go to [Store] and buy some stuff; I will be back in fifteen minutes.”

She then left the keys on my cart and walked off. I was confused about what she wanted from me. I assumed she wanted me to look after her car, because it’s quite common that other people bump their doors into your car and just leave. I didn’t take that as a problem since it was parked a few meters from me.

After maybe thirty minutes, she came back with two bags.

Woman: “Are the tires changed?”

Me: “What tires?”

Woman: “Tires on my car, of course! Have you changed them already?!”

I am easily pissed off if people talk to me like I’m some slave of theirs, but it takes a lot more to make me lose it.

Me: “Why the h*** would I change your tires?”

Woman: “Because you already pulled tires out of your shop, and you have the tools out, too, so that means you’re open for business!”

Then, I realized what was going on.

Me: “Do I look like I’m an auto shop?”

Then, the woman made a big mistake.

Woman: “Are you deaf or what, you fat moron? You have tools and tires out on a cart, so shut the f*** up and change my tires!”

This is the point when I snapped. Let me just tell you that the Czech language is very rich on swear words and we can make a swear almost out of any word, so the translation might not be 100% precise.

Me: “You f****** sack of s***! Who do you think you are, and who do you think your talking to? You’d better get the f*** out of here before I shove this jack right up your a**!”

Woman: “How f****** dare you to speak like that to me?! You’re lucky my husband isn’t with me; otherwise, he would f*** you up. Now, get the f*** to changing my tires before I slap your ugly-a** face!”

My dad came out from the back door having heard us screaming at each other.

Dad: “What is going on?”

Woman: “Your employee is refusing to change my tires and is being very rude and disrespectful to me.”

Dad: “He’s not our employee, and we don’t change tires. What the f*** are you doing back here, anyway?”

Woman: “I’m here to get my tires changed because my stupid husband doesn’t know how.”

Interesting how her husband went from “f****** me up” to not being able to change stupid tires.

Dad: “We are not an auto shop, so shut your g**d*** mouth and leave our parking yard.”

Woman: “So, you are rude, disrespectful, and confusing me instead of telling me that you’re not an auto shop?”

At this point, I saw her getting ready to slap me. I was still holding the pipe from the jack in my hand, so I did the simplest and probably the best thing I could do: I just raised my hand so when she was already in motion of hitting me, she hit the pipe. After that, she screamed in pain, ran to her car, and just drove off.

I don’t think she was hurt much because the impact of her hand on the pipe wasn’t even strong enough for me to lose grip of it.

Even Mother Nature Hates Your Stupid Car

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 19, 2021

It’s 2010 and the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull has just erupted, spewing ash all over Western Europe.

On our road, there are no driveways: everybody parks their cars on the street. It’s a bit crowded, and you have to hunt for a space, but mostly everybody copes well and we all have a bit of give and take to keep everything smooth.

One of my neighbours buys an expensive top-of-the-line sports car. It’s clearly his pride and joy, and good for him. But he doesn’t want anybody parking close to it, so he starts putting “no parking” cones on either side, taking up about five potential spaces. He leaves the cones in place when he’s out with the car, adding more to stop people from parking where he parks the sports car, as well.

This does not go down very well with the rest of the street. The cones get removed, but he puts out new ones. People park where the cones are/were and he leaves rude notes glued to their windscreens. Words are had, including stand-up arguments between him and others on the street.

I’m out front one early morning putting the bins out, and I notice that everything is coated in a thick layer of volcanic ash that fell in the night. Sports car man comes out, sees the ash, and returns with a bucket of water and a cloth.

I go to stop him from washing his car, but before I can say anything, he shouts at me to f*** off. I assume he thinks I’m about to have a go about the cones like everybody else has.

I leave him to it with a shrug. He puts the cloth into the water and starts scrubbing the ash off his expensive sports car.

You may not know this, but volcanic ash was the chief ingredient in the 1950s and 1960s scouring powders like Ajax. Added to water, it makes a thick, creamy, gritty paste that scours away dirt… and also varnish, Teflon… and most types of paint.

The next day, the car wasn’t there and neither were the cones. If he got it resprayed, he started keeping it elsewhere.

Driving His Business Right Into The Ground

, , , , | Working | November 18, 2021

I’m driving my car on a busy city road and a guy in a company van behind me is doing his level best to cause an accident, tailgating and popping out from time to time as if to overtake. I’d rather have this kind of driver in front of me, so I give him room to pass, only for him to do the same with the next car in front.

I realise from the logos on the van that it’s a small company that we do business with, so I pull over and give them a call. The front office assistant picks up the phone.

Me: “I would like to let you know that one of your guys is driving recklessly and you might want to do something about it before he gets into an accident. The license plate is [number].”

Assistant: “I see. I’ll let the management know, but…”

She does the verbal equivalent of a shrug.

Me: “Oh. You don’t have a program for safe driving, that kind of thing?”

Employee: “Oh, we do. It’s just that the current driver is the company owner.”

Some People Choose Their Hills To Die (Or Get Arrested) On

, , , , , | Right | November 18, 2021

To get into work, I have to drive through manned checkpoints, have my car registered, and show my personal ID card. It’s a high-security area, made pretty clear by the many many signs and razor wire. It isn’t near any other company and could not be mistaken for anything else.

On a normal day, I would drive right up to the gate. But today, there is a beaten-up old car taking a long time at the gate.

I wait and wait. I wind down the window and can hear an old woman shouting at the security guard. I can’t make out what is being said but the guard sounds exasperated and seems to be telling her to go away.

Eventually, the guard comes up to me.

Guard: “Sorry, sir, bit of a delay. You can park in the visitor site and I will let you in via the turnstile.”

Me: “Oh, okay, thanks. Nothing to worry about?”

Guard: “Just a stubborn old lady who isn’t used to being told ‘no.'”

I parked in the visitor bay and walked through. Apparently, only a few minutes later, armed police arrived and had to forcefully remove the woman from the car and cuff her. Sniffer dogs had to be used in case of a bomb threat and the whole entrance was out of use for hours!

The reason? The old woman refused to reverse her car to turn around and insisted they open the gates — to the secure facility! — so she could turn around in forward gear. They had no other choice but to call the police when she threatened to ram the gates.

Lesson learned: don’t try and force your way into a secure facility just because you don’t like to drive the car in reverse!