Soon You’ll Be Groaning Alone

, , , , | Related | May 14, 2021

My brother and I are driving around a run-down plaza parking lot.

Brother: “See that company? They’re always sending me junk mail to give me loans!”

Me: “You should call them and tell them to leave you… alone.”

Brother: “W—”

Me: “Oh, my gosh! I just made an unintentional pun!”

Brother: “That means it’s not funny!”

Me: “No, it’s more funny!”

We argued, but I think I’m right.

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Stop! In The Name Of Shrubbery!

, , , , , | Legal | May 7, 2021

For several years, my dad worked as an inspector for the state transportation department, traveling the state to make sure roads were properly maintained.

On one of his trips, my dad got into a minor accident on a city street and was charged with running a stop sign. His boss was, naturally, extremely upset with my dad, until my dad presented his dashcam footage; the stop sign my dad had run was completely blocked by a bush.

Our state has a law that all road signs must be clearly visible from a certain distance, and this stop sign was in violation of that law. My dad’s boss sent another employee to the city for an inspection. That employee found several other instances where road signs were obstructed from view, and my dad’s boss had a field day issuing the citations to the city.

When my dad went back to the city for his court appearance, he told the judge what he did for a living and what role he had played in the entire thing. The judge waived all charges and invited my dad to spend some time in town and “make sure the city engineering office had cleared everything up to his satisfaction.”

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The Force Sure As Heck Ain’t With Him

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | May 4, 2021

In high school, a group of eight friends and I speak a lot of languages, and we have been translating a certain catchphrase about “being someone’s father” into every language we know together during a free period at school. We decide that we should make a group outing of it to go to see “Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” in theaters, and we decide to go back to my parents’ house to hang out afterward. We are all fifteen, so my parents are driving us from the theater to our house.

My mom drives [Friend #1] who is sitting in the front seat and [Friend #2] who sits behind [Friend #1].

Friend #1: “I mean, I knew he was gonna make the transition to full-on bad guy, but I didn’t expect him to be so whiny about it. It was a fun movie, but he got on my nerves.”

Me: “Well, the emperor was messing with his head pretty hardcore, and he’s always been emotional. [Friend #2], what did you think?”

Friend #2: “I didn’t get it at all. Is there gonna be a sequel?”  

“Star Wars” was released as episodes four, five, and six in the 1970s and ‘80s, and then episodes one, two, and three in the 1990s and 2000s.

[Friend #1] unbuckles his seatbelt and gets on his knees to look directly into [Friend #2]’s face.

Friend #1: “What. Did you just say?”

Friend #2: “Is there gonna be a sequel?”

My mom is laughing so hard she pulls into a parking lot to let the laughter subside before she can drive further. Once we get to the house, [Friend #1] and I tell [Friend #2]’s twin sister what he said. She looks at her brother like he’s grown a second head.

Twin Sister: “[Friend #2’s Full Name], we watched all five movies last weekend just so we would know what is going on! Don’t you remember?!”

Friend #2: “Oh, was that what those were? I was trying to figure out how to beat [Friend #3] in the chess game we have going on. I wasn’t paying attention.”

A month or two later, we are all hanging out at [Friend #1]’s house. His younger brother puts on a Darth Vader mask and pops out from behind things to startle us. 

After the surprised yelps and laughter die down, [Friend #2] utters this.

Friend #2: “What was he supposed to be, some kind of robot?”

His twin sister smacks him on the back of the head. 

Twin Sister: “I’m sorry, everyone. I have tried so hard with him, but I’m giving it up as a lost cause. If it’s not chess, math, Torah studies, or a musical, he just won’t pay attention.”

[Friend #2] never did figure out what the “robot mask” was.

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What The Duke?!

, , , , , , | Related | April 29, 2021

I’m about five, and I’m in the car with my grandparents heading to a forest. A very well-known family frequents the area. Whilst it’s an area Grandpa lived in for a long period of time, he can’t remember how to get there. We’re surrounded by trees, though, so we’re likely to be close. There’s someone in a swept-up land rover behind us.

Grandpa: “I’ll ask that man behind for directions.”

Granny: *Alarmed* “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”

Grandpa: “It’s fine. I must know him; I recognise his face!”

He does just that and approaches the land rover. Then, men in suits just appear from the trees and the surrounding area. Loads of them. Grandpa freezes. I ask Granny who they are and she says they’re security.

Security: “Sir, please return to your vehicle.”

Grandpa: “But we’re lost. We want to get to [Forest].”

Security: *Pauses* “You’re in the forest. Stay on this road and you’ll get to the car park.”

Grandpa: “Oh. Right. Okay.”

He gets back to the car and heads off. There’s a long stretch of silence.

Granny: *Imitating Grandpa* “‘I must know him; I recognise his face!'” *Crossly* “That was Prince Edward, you idiot!”

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Some People Really Do Care More About A Burger Than A Life

, , , , , | Right | April 28, 2021

We no longer have dine-in for health reasons. An older man walks up to our window and orders food. Unfortunately, we can’t take walk-up orders because of safety issues; i.e., he gets hit by a car, we could get sued. He starts yelling.

Me: “Sir, do you have a car?”

No answer; he just walked away. After a while, I looked at our camera and saw a giant RV attempting to get to our speaker. The RV almost hit a line of cars already in our drive-thru and started causing a huge problem.

Our manager went out to ask them to leave and it was the same guy! Before she could explain and tell him to call in his order, he started screaming at her and cutting her off.

This continued for about five minutes and one threat of a bad review until finally she could cut him off and get his order. After I ran his food out, he still proceeded to yell at me about the “poor service.”

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