Take Me To Church(es)

, , , , | Right | April 13, 2018

(Italy is famous for its churches. You can find a church in every square, in old towns there’s almost one in every street, and all of them are famous for something — paintings, statues, tombs, etc. Two girls come into my office and ask me:)

Girls: “Where is the church?”

Me: “Um… Which one are you looking for?”

Girls: “The famous one.”

Me: “We have one in front of us, one next to us, and one at the end of the street; choose one!”

Girls: “Okay, thank you!”

Tourist Trapped!

, , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(It’s a busy weekend for tourists in the city, so I’ve already been thoroughly annoyed with taking the subway as I try to get home from a simple trip to the nearby grocery store. Normally, tourists don’t take my local bus line, so I’m a bit surprised when I run up to the bus and find a tourist arguing with the bus driver. I really have no idea what her gripe is, but she’s blocking the door as I attempt to board. The bus driver is trying to get her to take a seat or get off the bus, from what I can gather.)

Me: “Ma’am, can you step aside so I can board the bus?”

Tourist: *to the bus driver* “But I already paid. Can’t you refund me?”

Bus Driver: “I’ve already told you that you can take any bus for the next two hours with that transfer I gave you. I’m sorry you got confused, but just hand the driver of the right bus that transfer and you can get on for free.”

Tourist: “But why can’t you just refund my fare? What if the bus I need doesn’t come for two hours?”

Bus Driver: “I don’t know how to say this any more clearly. It’s not going to be a two hour wait for the right bus. At most it might be 20 minutes, and you can use that transfer to get on without paying another fare. I cannot refund you, but you can ride any bus for free for the next two hours with that transfer. Can you please step aside and let the passengers behind you board?”

Tourist: “I paid for this ride, and I’m going to take it.” *stomps into the narrow passageway between the door and the seats, and I can finally board, but I can’t get very far with her blocking the passageway to the seats*

Me: *swipes my transit pass, turns towards the passenger area* “Ma’am, I have my grocery cart with me. Can you please move into the passenger area so that I can get by?”

(The tourist ignores me, and I am MORE than fed up with her childish behavior and unwillingness to listen and move, so I squeeze past her and run my full (and fairly heavy) grocery cart over her feet.)

Tourist: “OW! B****! Why did you do that?”

Me: “I asked you to move twice and the driver asked you to move even more times. Move or be moved, I guess. I can’t stand in the entry way. That’s ILLEGAL.”

Tourist: “This town and all its people are horrible! Let me off this bus right now! I’ll walk 20 miles to where I’m going if I have to. I’m not putting up with this mistreatment any more! I will NEVER come back to this city!”

Bus Driver: “I will GLADLY let you off at my next stop, three blocks up the street, if you just push that button requesting a stop.”

(The tourist continues to rant and rave, but doesn’t push the button to request a stop, nor does she move out of the passage to/from the entry way. I’m the next person to request a stop, almost a mile up the road. The bus pulls over for my stop.)

Tourist: “WHERE THE H*** AM I? WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP IN THREE BLOCKS LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD? HOW DO I GET WHERE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE?”

Me: *rolls my grocery cart over her feet again* “I guess you’ll just have to figure that out for yourself, since you wouldn’t listen to the driver when he tried to help you the first time.”

(She didn’t get off the bus at that stop, so who KNOWS where she ultimately ended up — the bus line terminated deep in the suburbs. Hopefully she DOESN’T come back!)

They Seem To Exist On A Separate Temporal Plane

, , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(There has been a string of cancellations that affect a bunch of flights. Most of us have been already bumped 2-3 times. In order to make amends, the supervisor prints some vouchers for future travel for everyone due to the delays.)

Agent: “Sorry for the inconvenience. Here’s your voucher, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t want a voucher; I want to go home. What is the problem with the plane?”

Agent: “Sir, the plane had a mechanical problem and we want to make sure that it is okay before taking off.”

Customer: *goes on futile circular tirade about the plane* “Clearly you aren’t charging me enough for this flight if you can’t afford to keep the planes properly repaired and running on time. I need to get home to my wife and kids. And I want to be home at the time I paid to be home.”

Agent: “Considering it’s already past the time your flight would have arrived, there’s nothing I can do about that, but I can offer you this voucher as a gesture of goodwill.”

Customer: “Just give me my voucher.” *storms off*

(Everyone at the desk rolls their eyes.)

Me: “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to invent a time machine.”

Agent: “H***, if I had one, I’d be the one using it!”

Their Gift Wrapping Can Only Be Opened By Their Sharp Wit

, , , , | Related | December 20, 2017

(My mom and I are about to fly from California to London to spend Christmas with some friends. It will be her first time visiting the United Kingdom.)

Mom: “Do they have gift wrapping over there? My presents aren’t wrapped.”

Me: “Did you just ask me if they have gift wrapping paper in London?! It’s the United Kingdom; they’re not cave dwellers.”

Mom: “I don’t know. British gift wrapping paper could be different.”

Me: “Actually, you know what? Yeah, you’re right. The British gift wrapping paper will only wrap properly around British produced or purchased objects.”

Mom: “Shut up!”

Last Flight To Mordor Now Departing From Gate Bree

, , , , , | Friendly | December 18, 2017

(The other day I was driving in my car, listening to an interview on the radio. The interviewer was talking to a singer who was coming to perform in New Zealand. I can’t remember who she was, but I will never forget the interview:)

Singer: “Now, who am I talking to here? Is this Australia or New Zealand?”

Radio Host: “You’re talking to New Zealand, and we’re looking forward to you coming out here!”

Singer: “New Zealand! Oh, my. I can’t wait to visit. I have never been before, and I won’t have much time, but I’m determined to see an orc.”

Radio Host: “A… I’m sorry, an orc?”

Singer: “Obviously it would have to be in captivity. I wouldn’t want to run across one in the wild!”

Radio Host: *playing along* “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but orcs are extinct.”

Singer: “Awww, really? That’s so disappointing! You don’t have any, not even in captivity?”

Radio Host: “No, we wiped them out. They weren’t very nice. Sorry.”

Singer: “Well, that’s a shame. Can you still visit parts of Middle Earth?”

Radio Host: “That you can do. Make sure you include Hobbiton on your tour!”

(After that, the host changed the subject to the singer’s latest album. But she was so sincere about the orcs, and sounded so truly disappointed to find out she would not be able to see one, that I’m not sure to this day whether she was kidding or not!)

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