Pray For His Bladder

, , , , | Friendly | December 8, 2018

(On a road trip with a friend, we both find ourselves in need of a restroom. My friend has an especially urgent need, since he had a large soda with lunch. After several more miles, we finally spot a service station. We exit the highway, pull into the station, and make a beeline for the men’s room. After I finish, I go over to the sink to wash my hands, but I see that my friend is still at his urinal.)

Me: “Hey, aren’t you done yet?”

Friend: *not looking up* “Didn’t you see the sign outside? With eight gallons, you get a free car wash!”

Ikke Altid Håbløs

, , , , | Hopeless | December 3, 2018

(While riding the Metro — Washington DC’s subway — one day, my dad and I notice two teenage girls with hiking backpacks looking extremely worried as they stare at a map. Between the few words we can hear and the flags on their bags, we realize they must be Danish. Dad, an army officer in uniform, gets up and goes over to talk to them.)

Dad: *in Danish* “Excuse me, but could I help? It looks like you might be lost.”

Girl #1: “Du taler Dansk?!” *You speak Danish?!*

Dad: *in Danish* “Yes. I lived there for two years. Beautiful country!”

(The rest of the conversation continues in their language. They admit that they can’t make sense of the very bad map they have. My dad marks notations to help clarify things — including drawing on the Metro Lines so they can find which ones are closest to their destinations — and helping them locate major tourist attractions and their hostel. They chat about their other planned destinations, as well, and he gives them some advice, as he’s traveled to all of them. And, of course, they talk about Denmark; where they’re from, where he’d lived, things he misses most, etc. As we near their stop, Dad gets out his business card, writes his personal phone number and address on the back, and hands it to them.)

Dad: *in Danish* “Please call me if you have any more trouble. And if I don’t answer my office number–” *flips it to show them the back* “–please call my house. My wife only speaks a little Danish, but she’s home all day.”

Girls: “Thank you!”

Dad: “My pleasure! I do hope you enjoy the rest of your trip, and let me know if you need anything, even if you’ve already left town. I know folks in each of the cities you’re visiting, so don’t worry. You’ll never be far from a rescue if you get turned around again!”

(We didn’t hear from them again while they were on their trip, but several weeks later, a package arrived from Denmark. Inside was my dad’s favorite brand of chocolate — which he’d mentioned missing — and a thank-you note from the girls and their parents. Apparently, randomly running into a military officer who spoke their language the one time they got lost was the highlight of their trip, and their parents were very grateful he’d stepped in to help. My folks still exchange Christmas cards with them, and write notes about little things special to America, while they catch him up on the news from Denmark.)


, , , , | Working | November 28, 2018

(My sister just graduated from a medical school in the USA and is about to start her residency. Her husband is really proud of his wife being an MD, because both his family and ours are very much working-class, and none of our parents went to college. His parents didn’t even finish high school, and he is only one of his siblings to get a college degree. While he is professionally successful and makes good money, his wife’s academic success is a matter of great pride and joy for him. As a present to my sister, my brother-in-law books a two-week-long trip to Europe, where they will visit us and travel to a couple of other places. Apparently, he put “Dr. and Mr. [Last Name]” on all their reservations. My partner and I live in a tiny flat, so my sister and brother-in-law are going to stay at a hotel nearby. I pick them up at the airport and drive them to the hotel. The following interaction occurs, and I can hardly stop myself from laughing throughout it.)

Brother-In-Law: “Hello. We have a reservation for Doctor and Mr. [Last Name].”

Clerk: *looking at my brother-in-law* “Welcome to [Hotel], Doctor [Last Name]. We’ll need your passports and a credit card.”

Brother-In-Law: “Sure. But I am not the doctor.” *pointing to my sister* “She is.” *to my sister* “Honey, do you have our passports?”

Clerk: “Of course, Doctor [Last Name]. Will you be needing two keys for you and your wife?”

Sister: *handing the clerk the passports while my brother-in-law gets the credit card* “Actually, not that it matters, but I am Doctor [Last Name], and my husband is Mr. [Last Name]. Here are the passports.”

Clerk: “Thank you, Mrs. [Last Name].” *types in the info in the computer; then looks at my brother-in-law again and hands him the passports* “Here are your passports, Dr. [Last Name]. It’s a pleasure to have you stay with us. Breakfast is served from 6:30 to 9:30. Your room is on the second floor. The lifts are to your left.”

Sister: *looking at her husband* “And that is why I never want you to put ‘doctor’ on any forms for me ever again, sweetheart.”

A Hurricane Of The Same Call  

, , , , , | Right | November 18, 2018

(A few weeks ago we were hit by Hurricane Matthew, and a lot of people are calling to make sure it is safe for their upcoming visit. The damage was fairly minimal and cleanup lasted only a few days, but of course news stations are hyping it up for ratings, so a lot of people don’t believe us when we say the city is fine. After dozens of calls repeating the same spiel over and over, I decide to have a little fun with people.)

Caller: *in a very thick southern accent* “Hi, this is [Caller] and I’m calling from Texas. We saw about the hurricane on the news and as we’re visiting your city in a few weeks I just wanted to call and make sure everything was all right for our visit.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re still under eight feet of water. I actually had to swim into the office today. On the bright side, we don’t have to worry about traffic!”

(She is silent for a moment, and I’m afraid I may have offended her, but then she bursts out laughing.)

Caller: “You are a Texas joker! You’re funny; you would fit in just fine down here, darling.'”

(She asked me a few more questions about her stay and then concluded the call. The whole situation was incredibly stressful, but that call made my week!)

Coverage Outside Of Common Sense

, , , , , | Right | November 18, 2018

(I work in the jewelry department of a well-known retailer.)

Me: “Hello! Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, we’re looking for cheap watches to take with us on a cruise. Our phones won’t work on the cruise.”

Me: “Oh! You may not be able to call out but you’ll be able to still use it for the time and alarms.”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Umm, no. The phone will not work at all. It won’t be able to even turn on while on the cruise. It’ll be outside its coverage area. They told me that.”

Me: “Well. Okay.”

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