The Heights Of His Stupidity Are Topless

I was riding my bike home late Friday night.  I had full reflectors and lights because I’m many things, but one thing I am not is an idiot. 

My route took me past a local topless club. 

In the parking lot of the bar, groups of frat boy types were doing the typical donuts and hydraulic bounces in the parking lot. I rode by, bored and generally uninterested. 

The D****iest D****e peeled out of the parking lot in his Dodge Charger with the intent to run me off the road. (I know because he and his friends were mocking me for riding a bike as I waited at the stoplight, and he loudly declared his intentions.) 

I swerved and managed to dodge, but I still rear-ended a parked SUV and face-planted into the rear windshield. I suffered a broken nose, a moderate concussion, and a sprained wrist. 

The jerk missed the brake pedal with his foot because he was so drunk, jumped the sidewalk, and hit a brick wall. 

The club bouncer called 911 for me, as the d****es were too busy tending to their D**kface-In-Chief. Police and an ambulance crew arrived and got everything sorted out. 

The Number One Moron Who Tried To Run Me Off The Road blew about two and a half times the legal limit — the legal limit is .08 and he blew .21 — and was subsequently arrested. 

I was getting patched up in the emergency room. Late Stage Alcoholism Face was there, too, as a precaution. (He wasn’t hurt, but I’ve been informed that it’s policy that all people arrested for DUI are assessed in the ER if an accident occurred before being booked.)

The father of The Worst Person I’ve Encountered This Month spent nearly an hour yelling his idiot son, loudly, for the whole hospital to hear. Statements were given, and contact information was shared. It turned out that Creepazoid McGarglebrains wasn’t even twenty-one yet, raising some serious questions about how the topless club even let him in.

The following morning, The Father called me personally even though their lawyer had strongly urged him against this. 

He apologized profusely for T**tbrain Fartharder’s actions. He explained that his son wasn’t charged with assault for trying to ram me because he had plausible deniability by claiming he was just trying an idiot stunt and messed up. But he was dead to rights on DUI resulting in injury and underage drinking. 

The father said he would write me a blank check to cover every dime of my hospital visit and a new bike and helmet, plus a fifteen percent round-up for my troubles. We made a handshake agreement that I wouldn’t sue and that I wouldn’t inflate the figure. 

The father also assured me that he was ashamed of how his son had turned out, that he would not let the kid use the family lawyer, and that Dingleberry was cut off from family money until he completed two years of community college on his own dime and stayed sober for two years. 

I chose to agree because he was making a good-faith effort and I don’t need the hassle of going to court.