I Got 99 Problems, But My Age Ain’t One

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 17, 2018

(My mum had a stroke two weeks ago. As she was in the hospital at the time it was caught exceptionally quickly, and her doctors believe there will only be some short-term memory loss. I don’t believe there is any, for the reason I am about to tell you. I have dropped by to visit when there are several nurses and her doctor by her bed, arguing.)

Mum: “See? There’s my son. Ask him if you don’t believe me!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Doctor: “We believe it might be a sign of memory loss. You mother is adamant that her grandmother is still alive.”

Me: “She is. She turns 100 next week. You met her last Friday before she was discharged.”

Doctor: *stutters* “I…I see… She also believes that money has been stolen from her purse; £100 pounds to be exact. Can you confirm that she had this money in her purse while staying here?”

Me: “Yes. It was for my great-grandmother’s birthday. She literally got it out of the ATM in the hospital’s atrium what, twenty minutes before she had her stroke?”

(My mum nods.)

Me: “In fact, that’s why I came around. She called me this morning to get a card.”

(I shook the bag in my hand and the doctor blushed furiously at the realisation that everything my mum said was accurate. All the nurses then backed away, seemingly suspicious of each other. They never found the money, or figured out who stole it, but my mum demanded to be immediately moved to another hospital, and the nurses managed to pool together £100 themselves as compensation. My mum refused to take it, though, as she saw it as an admission that they collectively stole it.)

Karma Offers Cash Back

, , , , , | Right | January 17, 2018

(A customer is checking out at a self-checkout. She is about to leave when the attendant notices that she didn’t ring up a pair of shoes.)

Attendant: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to pay for those shoes.”

(The woman runs out with her items, leaving behind her $40 cash back. The attendant then tells the manager. The customer calls saying she accidentally left her $40 cash back at the register, and is transferred to the manager.)

Manager: “I can’t help you over the phone. You’ll need to come in and get it.”

Caller: “Can I send my son in?”

Manager: “No, we don’t know who your son is or what he looks like. You’ll have to come in yourself and get it.”

Voice: *in the background of the call* “I guess you’re never getting your money back.”

(The kicker? The shoes she stole were only about $15.)

You’ll Be Around A Lot Longer Than Isis, Anyway

, , , , , , | Right | January 10, 2018

Customer: “Hi, can I have a cinnamon roll and a decaf?”

Me: “Sure.”

Coworker: *to me* “Hey, Isis, can you help me after [Owner] leaves?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Why did he call you that?”

Me: “It’s my name.”

Customer: *disgusted* “Well, why the h*** haven’t you changed it?!”

Me: “Because it’s my name, and I had it first.”

Customer: “But people will think you’re a terrorist! If you want a goddess’s name, have Diana or Freya, but seriously, get rid of that s*** name!”

Coworker: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “As if! I paid for my food and I’m getting it.”

Me: *slightly upset* “It’s okay, [Coworker]; I’m going to go on break.”

Customer: “Change it!”

Coworker: “Leave before I call the cops. This is your last chance.”

Customer: “You’re going to have a nasty life if you keep that!”

(He stormed out, snatching a cinnamon roll and another customer’s decaf before going. When the cops did arrest him, he said that he paid for them and that everyone was going to think I was “un-American.” I’m fine. It’s my name and nobody’s going to make me change it.)

Installing Joint Operating Systems

, , , , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I work all over the state installing windows. I’m talking to my coworker as I am approaching a customer’s house.)

Coworker: “On the porch there’s a half-smoked joint. I ain’t kidding.”

Me: “No, these people are way too uptight for sure to smoke pot; maybe the house we did yesterday, but not this one.”

(I walk into the house to inform the homeowner that we are about to start working in this room and the homeowner has a giant blunt in his hand with at least three grams of pot on the table.)

Me: “Um, sir, we are about to start working in this room. You may want to leave.”

Homeowner: “Haha, nah, I’m good. *takes hit off of blunt* “Reeeeaaallllyyyyy gooooooood.” *falls out of chair and laughs for a good twenty minutes on the floor*

Coworker: *to me* “Told you.”

Fire That Glitch!

, , , , , , | Working | January 5, 2018

(I have just gotten a job at a sword shop in the local renaissance fair. This fair is open most of the summer, but the owner of the shop also sells at two other fairs. It’s the end of the day, and I’m just learning how to close out my register.)

Owner: “Next, you compare the total cash in the drawer to what the computer says it should be.”

Me: “They’re the same.”

Owner: “They’re supposed to be the same, but there’s a glitch in the software somewhere that I haven’t been able to fix. How far off is yours?”

Me: “No, they’re the same.” *I point to the numbers and show him that my totals match, right down to the penny*

Owner: “That’s weird. At my other locations they’re usually off by a couple hundred dollars. I wonder if the software company finally got it fixed? I guess we’ll know tomorrow.”

(My totals were never off by more than five cents. Mine was the ONLY register that was always spot-on. After a few rounds of this, he figured out why, and fired the cashiers at his other shops for stealing.)

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