I’m running self-checkout when a college-aged guy starts ringing up his items. Immediately, he’s doing the classic theft tricks: 

• scanning organic produce as regular
• ringing in fewer items than he has

After the third time, his machine freezes for override, I fix his “mistakes” from my screen… and finally go over.

I unbag everything.

Me: “Do you need a babysitter? Because clearly you can’t handle self-checkout.”

I re-ring every item properly.

Customer: “You’re just racially profiling me!”

Me: “No, sir, I am making sure you pay for what you buy.”

Customer: “You’re profiling me! I wasn’t doing anything wrong! You’re a racist piece of s***!”

Me: “I can see everything you’re doing on the screen. I came over because of the errors, not because of what you look like.”

Customer: “I want your manager! I want to tell him you’re racist!”

Me: “My manager is on his way, as soon as he’s finished calling security and telling them all about you.”

The guy grabs an unscanned bag of peanuts, opens it, and dumps it all over the machine, swearing the whole time, before storming out of the store.

Ah, the joys of self-checkout.

A suspected shoplifter has entered our store in the mall. I can’t confirm it, so I treat them as I do any other customer:

Me: “Good morning, how are you today?”

She whirls on me immediately, snapping at me.

Customer: “I’d be better if people stopped asking me that f****** question!”

I looked her dead in the eye, smiled, and just told her:

Me: “That’s what online shopping is for.”

I then walked away, but kept my eye on her. The outrage on her face before she spun around and stomped out warmed the dying embers of my cold heart the rest of the day. I guess shoplifters enjoy(need) their privacy.

Our store sells expensive packs of moisturiser and anti-aging cream that come in little card boxes. We’ve been finding open and empty boxes of these on the shelves for the last few weeks, which is annoying our loss prevention officer no end.

After scouring the cameras, he believes he’s identified the culprit.

One morning, I see him running up to me when I’m at the checkout. He’s pointing at a customer who has just walked into the aisles.

Loss Prevention: “Her! That’s her!”

Me: “The moisturiser thief?”

Loss Prevention: “Yeah! I’m going to keep an eye on her. If she comes through the checkout, delay her!”

He also disappears into the aisles, and I go about opening my checkout and serving customers. 

About ten minutes later, Moisturiser Thief emerges from the aisles and starts walking to the exit, bypassing the checkouts.

Me: *Calling over to her.* “Did you not find what you were looking for, ma’am?”

Moisturiser Thief: *Startled for a second at being spoken to.* “Oh, uh… no. You didn’t have it.”

Me: “Maybe you could tell me what you’re looking for? If we don’t have it in the back, I could order it for you?”

Moisturiser Thief: *Shifting closer to the exit.* “No… uh, I’m okay, thanks.”

The loss prevention officer has appeared now and is standing between her and the exit.

Loss Prevention: “Ma’am, may I please look in your bag?”

Moisturiser Thief: *Whipping around to see the exit being blocked.* “What? No! That’s my bag!”

Loss Prevention: “Ma’am, either you let me look in the bag, or you remove all the moisturiser and anti-ageing creams you’ve stashed in there.”

Moisturiser Thief: “What are you talking about?! I don’t have any of those!”

Loss Prevention: “Then prove it. Show me your bag.”

Moisturiser Thief: “No! You have no right! You need a warrant!”

Loss Prevention: “No, I don’t. That’s not a thing for bag searches.”

Moisturiser Thief: “You’re just some store employee! You can’t stop me! Get out of my way!”

Loss Prevention: “I can’t, but they can.”

Two police officers have shown up (they were called by the loss prevention officer the second the moisturiser thief walked in). He waves them over. The moisturiser thief spends a split second trying to run out of the door, but now with three guys blocking her, she accepts her fate. 

One of the officers gets access to her bag and reveals dozens of anti-ageing creams in there. Some of them are half-used from usage. As the officers escort her out, the loss prevention officer gives her a parting statement:

Loss Prevention: “At least you’ll be wrinkle-free for your mug shot!”

I worked at a fast-food place for my first job out of school. The manager was a cool dude, we’ll call him Gary, and we got along really well. Met all the other staff as they’d come in for their casual shifts, and one guy, let’s say Chad, was also really friendly with Gary.

Late Sunday evening, just before close, three guys in balaclavas come in and rob the store. They traumatize the counter chick and are rough with the manager.

After clearing out the safe, one of them apologises to the manager, saying:

Thief: “Sorry, Gary.”

Gary: “What the f***, Chad?!”

Chad and friends were arrested shortly after for armed robbery.

A couple of decades ago, I was listening in to an older coworker on the customer assistance line, learning the ropes as a fresh-out-of-high-school retail worker.

Caller: “Where the f*** is my mattress! It was supposed to be here today!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re estimating a delay of two days due to the heavy snowstorm in your area.”

Caller: “I know there’s a snowstorm, d*** it! I got windows! I already went to work today, and if I can drive out in that, then so can your d**** delivery driver!”

Coworker: “You might be able to drive around your town, sir, but the highways are currently closed, so—”

Caller: “—maybe I’ll come down there with my gun, and then we’ll see how soon I get my mattress.”

My coworker pauses a moment, but looks perfectly calm.

Coworker: “I will see what I can do, sir.”

Caller: “Now that sounds more like it.”

The call ends, and I speak in a shocked tone.

Me: “How were you able to remain so calm! He just threatened you!”

Coworker: “I have a son who’s a senior officer with the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police). Guess what my next call is gonna be…”

The next day, that caller was arrested for uttering threats at his place of work.

He was a university professor fresh out of grad school, and the arresting officer was my coworker’s son, who made sure he was arrested in front of the dean of his faculty, cuffed, and did the perp walk through the campus and was made to take the long route.

He was kicked out of the University and never taught again.