This Isn’t A Shaggy Dog Story

, , , , | Friendly | April 20, 2018

(I am outside doing some yard work, when one of my neighbors stops by on her walk to say hello.)

Neighbor: “Hi, [My Name]!”

Me: “Good morning, [Neighbor]! How are you?”

Neighbor: “I’m just fine. Did you hear about the break-in over at that new neighbourhood? It’s just a couple miles down the road from us!”

Me: “No! That’s awful. When was that?”

Neighbor: “A few days ago. I guess they knew no one was home, because they tried prying the front door open with a crowbar in broad daylight!”

Me: “Oh, my God! Wait… How do you know they used a crowbar? Were there security cameras?”

Neighbor: “Well, there was a camera, but what happened was that the homeowner’s German shepherd scared the thief so badly he dropped the crowbar and took off! When they got home their dog was just sitting there next to a partially-opened door and a crowbar. He waited there the whole time until they got back, and nothing was missing from the house.”

Me: “Wow! I bet that guy won’t try that house again.”

Neighbor: “German shepherds can be very persuasive.”

Interview To A Kill

, , , , , | Working | April 18, 2018

(I am conducting interviews for new employees at the small shop where I am manager. I have one interview scheduled towards the end of the day. He has not arrived yet, but I get a call.)

Interviewee: “Hey, I had a family emergency and I’m running late. Can we push the interview back two hours?”

Me: “We close in a half hour, and I have plans for later tonight. However, I can reschedule for later this week or next week.”

Interviewee: “No, that won’t work. Just stay after close.”

Me: “I told you, I’m unable to do that. We will have to reschedule for another day.”

Interviewee: “No, I can’t do that. Come on; work with me. I need to do this interview today.”

Me: “No, and I don’t think we need to continue.”

Interviewee: *aggressively* “But I need to do this interview today!

Me: “I’m hanging up now. Good luck on your job search.”

(After work, I go to a movie with friends. I get back to my apartment complex to find a security guard waiting for me.)

Security: “Are you okay? We need you to contact the police right away.”

(I spent the remainder of the night on the phone with police. It turns out the interviewee had tracked down my address through a pizza place that had my information on file from previous deliveries. He managed to get past the front door, but security caught him lurking around and turned him over to police. Apparently, he told them he was going to show up at my door to make me interview him, as a way to impress me. Understandably, I didn’t hire him. I also complained to the pizza place, where they now have a policy to keep personal addresses from being shared!)

Don’t Get The Grilled Cheese

, , , , , , , | Working | April 16, 2018

(I work for a fast food corporation as an assistant store manager. Our store is going to have its 18-month inspection conducted by senior company management. In addition, the owner and senior management of our own franchise group will be present. Consequences for failing the inspection range from the store being put on probation to outright dismissal of any member of staff deemed to be directly responsible for the failure in severe cases. As a result of this, our store schedules for a considerably beefed-up evening shift that works until midnight to complete major cleaning tasks, and then a three-strong overnighter team to focus on specific areas and generally raise the standards as high as they can go. The opening staff also arrive at six rather than seven to allow for any last minute do-overs of anything deemed to still not be up to standards. The opening shift is lead by our most senior shift manager, and I arrive at seven, mainly to ensure all the needed paperwork is ready for the senior management when they arrive at eight. I arrive to find the opening staff in a frenzy, and my normally very relaxed shift manager red in the face with fury.)

Me: “What the hell’s going on? Almost all of what you’re doing should have been done by the overnighters.”

Shift Manager: “Yeah, I know. [Overnight Manager] basically had them do nothing all night, so far as I can tell; even drink cups and lids haven’t been stocked. And then he, [Female Crew Member #1], and [Female Crew Member #2] just walked right out as soon as we clocked in.”

Me: “Terrific. They’ll have to be dealt with later. Keep at it; I’ll ring everyone who’s due in at eight to see if they can get in earlier, and then I’ll come help. The paperwork can wait.”

(I ring all staff and get three of them to come in ASAP, and then help the shift manager get everything as sorted as we can in the 50 minutes we have left. At 7:30, the business manager arrives and also questions why it’s still such a mess, but also thankfully informs us that all parties of senior management are stuck in traffic and will be at least 45 to 60 minutes late. We eventually get everything just about ready at 8:15, just after we open to customers, and I retreat to the office to sort the paperwork. The business manager comes with me, leaving the floor to the shift manager.)

Business Manager: “So, any idea what went wrong this morning?”

Me: “[Shift Manager] said he arrived this morning and it looked like the overnight shift did pretty much nothing and walked out as soon as he started. I really don’t get it; he’s normally a solid worker, and it’s not like we gave him a pair of idiots to work with.”

Business Manager: “Yeah, [Female Crew Member #1] and [Female Crew Member #2] are both in line for crew trainer promotions; I really don’t get it. I’m going to check the store cameras and see if I can figure out what happened.”

(A few minutes pass whilst the business manager logs into the CCTV system and starts fast-forwarding the recording. He gets to midnight, when the evening shift leaves without anything unusual happening, and at this point all three people from the overnight shift are visibly working. However, barely five minutes after the evening shift leaves…)

Business Manager: “I think I’ve found the source of the problem.”

(I turn to look at the screen to see the overnight manager go into the crew room to return with two six-packs of beer and a large bottle of vodka. He immediately cracks open a can and passes the vodka to the girls. The next hour of footage is the overnight manager going through seven of the cans whilst the girls go through roughly half the vodka, using the drinks machine for mixers. After around 90 minutes of them drinking, things are clearly starting to get a little ropy. The cameras don’t record audio, so we have no idea what’s being said, but one of the girls proceeds to peel off her work top, pants, and bra and does several laps of the kitchen in nothing but her shoes and panties, using a burger box to cover her chest. We already have more than enough evidence to sack all three of them, but we are worried as to how much further things went, since obviously we’re working with food and contamination is a serious danger. At this point, we have one of the women still only dressed in her panties, and the manager and other girl looking on; however, from here on, it only gets worse. The already mostly undressed girl encourages the other two to undress, and shortly after, both girls and the manager are stood all dressed only in their underwear. The business manager and I exchange very worried glances, because we know where this is going. We are simply dumbstruck at what we’re watching, but after a minute we get it together, and I march out to the shift manager on the floor and pull him aside.)

Me: “Okay, we found out what happened. I’ll need you for a statement later. Right now, I need you to fully clean grill two, and I mean a really good clean. I’m going to clean down [kitchen counter area] with disinfectant, and a lot of it.”

Shift Manager: “Sure. Do I even want to know why we’re doing this?”

Me: *after looking around to be sure none of the crew will hear me, whispering* “[Overnight Manager] banged [Female Crew Member #2] whilst she was bent over the grill.”

Shift Manager: *with a very shocked expression* “Sure. I’ll get right on it.”

(We decontaminate the affected areas, and after a discussion with the business manager, we opt to not turn the affected grill back on and just cite an electrical fault during the inspection. Then, we finally welcome the senior management when they arrive. The inspection goes just about all right, and we pass with a mark just slightly above the minimum requirement. The business manager at some point informs our group management that there was an “incident” with the overnight shift, but says it’s better discussed after the inspection. Once the corporate management leave, the business manager and I return to the office with our franchise group management to discuss the results. The owner is somewhat displeased with our results, given we got a significantly better passing mark for the previous one. In response, the business manager simply asks that they watch the CCTV footage for themselves. The senior management watch in disgust as we proceed through the drinking, to the stripping, and then on to the adult activities.)

Business Manager: “How should we proceed?”

Owner: “Obviously, fire all three of them right this instant. I cant believe anyone would be so depraved as to have sex on the grill; it’s utterly disgusting. I’ll reach out to my food safety contact and lawyer to see if, and how, we can press further punishment on them. Also, I’ll see if insurance will allow for a replacement grill; that one’s been soiled permanently, in my eyes. If we have to buy a new grill outright, then so be it.”

(Ultimately, all three members of staff were fired, and they then faced further legal action in the form of a lawsuit from the owner. It concluded in them having to pay between them for the cost of the new grill, which came to around £15,000. In addition, all three were blacklisted and have lifetime bans from working in the food industry in any capacity. None of them could ever provide a satisfactory explanation as to why they actually did what they did. The closest we ever got was that they planned to just have a couple of drinks to motivate them and it got out of hand. Given the amount of alcohol on hand, we obviously didn’t accept that claim.)

It Would Be Nude To Not Ask

, , , , , | Friendly | April 13, 2018

(I’m at the park, sketching random people as they walk by. One guy comes up to me and sees what I’m doing.)

Guy: “Hey, that’s pretty good.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Guy: “So, do you artists also draw, like…. naked people?”

Me: “Uh… Occasionally. For study and stuff.”

Guy: “Cool. Can you draw me?”

(Before I could answer, he began stripping right in front of me, in full view of everyone. I grabbed my things and ran off. It’s been years, and I’ve yet to go back to that area in fear I’ll run into him again.)

When Fraud Meets Stupidity

, , , , | Working | April 11, 2018

My grandmother just turned 82 and had a check lost in the mail. This started a chain-reaction of fraud. First was an attempt to charge on a card, which the bank stopped. Then, there was an attempted wire transfer which was also stopped by the bank. You’d think this is where we were most vulnerable, but no.

My grandmother lives in California. The thief went into a bank, in person, in New York, and managed to open the ATM account. Mind you, this account was on stop due to the fraud. Whoever they were, they must have had acting skills, because without any ID, the banker in New York and the banker’s manager reopened the account and rushed a new ATM card to the thief. In one weekend, the thief stole over $10,000 — basically all the money my grandmother had — all because two fools in New York believed some crap sob story and didn’t enforce the ID rule!

On the plus side, the bank is getting all the money back to my grandmother. Also on the plus side, she was advised that while the thief will likely get away with it, the New York banker and bank manager will likely lose their jobs.

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