If The Jacket Fits…

, , , , , | | Legal | July 18, 2019

As a student, I used to moonlight as a bouncer with my girlfriend and a few other biker students at the university union for rock bands. I’m not that big but have long hair, a beard, and tats. One night, we were all working as usual and had put our leather jackets under the ticket desk as the venue was very hot. The gig was busy and we were occupied all night dealing with the crowd.

Come gig finish, we came out to discover that the steward on the door had been called away and both my leather and my friend’s leather had walked. Seriously annoyed and out of pocket a few hundred pounds, I went to get a drink.

At the bar was a man wearing my friend’s very distinctive brown leather jacket. I approached him and said this, and he apologised profusely and stated he had been sold it by a man in the bar earlier for 50 pounds. He apologised and took it off. Underneath, he was wearing my jacket.

I took his arm and said we were going to security. He took my jacket off and said he had purchased that one, as well, but I still walked him to the security desk.

At the last moment, he wriggled free and bolted across the gravel car park with me in pursuit. Just before I ran out of puff, he slipped and went facedown in the gravel, tearing his face and arms to shreds.

After I took him back and waited for the police, he then informed them that I had assaulted him and pushed him into the gravel.

The cop just listened to my story, twisted his arms behind his back, and cuffed him. Did help he was a police motorcycle cop that I helped out teaching safe biking to teenagers with, I suppose.

A Very Testing Drive

, , , , , , | | Legal | July 15, 2019

(As a “genius” for a luxury German car company, part of my job is to book and take people out on test drives. A man comes in with a foreign driving license, but as it is within 18 months of citizenship, it is technically valid under UK law at the time. I take all of his details and nothing flags on the system. The next day, the man comes in and it’s apparent that he doesn’t speak great English. He has a three-week old baby in a car seat and wants to take her on the test drive. I check with my manager; it’s not typical but we allow it and we get going. Part of the test drive is on the local motorway so that people can test the cars at a higher speed. Suddenly, the man takes off like a bat out of Hell. Even though we are test driving a sports car, we still have to obey the law. I inform the man that he has to slow down. At this point, he’s going 120 mph in a 70-mph zone.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. You need to slow down.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re breaking the law. If you cannot slow down to the speed limit, we’ll have to stop the car and I’ll drive us back to the dealership.”

Customer: “My car now.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “This is my car now. No dealership.”

Me: “Sir, this is a test drive. We need to go back to the dealership and you need to slow down.”

Customer: “I signed papers. This is my car now.”

Me: “But you didn’t pay for the car. You need to take the next exit.”

Customer: “My car now.”

(I started to freak out. It was becoming fairly clear that I was being kidnapped whilst this man tried to steal a car during a test drive. I was in a car with someone that didn’t seem to speak my language well but also didn’t seem to care that he was going 120 mph with a fairly newborn baby in the back seat. I pressed the panic button to alert the police and waited as he sped down the motorway. Soon, there were blue and red lights, and a car chase followed. Luckily, the man pulled over very quickly. He tried to run away down the hard shoulder of the motorway, leaving his infant daughter behind. I don’t know if he honestly thought he’d bought the car, or even thought about why I was in the car with him. He was arrested and charged with kidnapping and endangering a minor, and for the attempted theft of the very expensive vehicle. I still don’t understand why someone would try to steal a car during a test drive, when we had all their details! Insane.)

Dropped The Notes, And The Ball

, , , , , , | | Legal | July 7, 2019

(I work as a security guard at a large retail chain. One day, I am standing at the front door with a colleague when a customer comes up to us.)

Customer: “Excuse me. My daughter just dropped two £10 notes and the guy behind us has lifted them.”

Me: “Did you see him pick them up?”

Customer: “Well, my daughter dropped the notes and turned around, and he was picking something up and claimed it was a handkerchief. But I know it was her money. Can you do anything?”

Me: “I don’t know if there is anything we can do because we didn’t see it ourselves; we only have your word for it. We will call the manager.”

(My colleague calls the manager and explains the situation.)

Colleague: “The manager isn’t sure what to do. He is going to phone another manager and then call us back.”

(While we wait for the manager to call back, the customer who is suspected of taking the money pays for his items and leaves the store.)

Customer: “I’m going to go and speak to him; I am not happy that he can do this to my daughter.”

(I take control of the camera to watch the customers outside the store while my colleague stands at the door, in case the situation becomes violent. As I watch the situation, the mother approaches the customer and they speak. The customer then hands the mother something and walks away. I see that it is two £10 notes. She re-enters the store and hands the money to her daughter.)

Me: “What happened there?”

Customer: “Oh, I just told him that security had him on camera taking the money. I know you didn’t, but he didn’t know that.”

Sometimes You Can’t Beat The Old Guard

, , , , , , , , | | Working | July 5, 2019

(My husband and I own a pub. While I am away interstate visiting family, a new security guard is hired. His job is mainly to check IDs and keep out or remove drunk people. Upon returning, I stop by to see my husband.)

Me: “Hi! You must be the new guard.”

Guard: “You can’t come in.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guard: “You’re pissed; you can’t come in.”

Me: “What? I haven’t even had a drink.”

Guard: “Bulls***. I can smell it on you. Now, leave before I call the cops.”

Me: “Look here. I don’t think you realize—“

Guard: “Are you deaf, as well as fat and ugly?! You’re not coming in. Now, waddle off before I call the cops.”

Me: “Listen here. Get [Husband] out here now!

Guard: “You really are as stupid as you are fugly. F*** off or I’m calling the cops.”

(I pull out my phone and call the pub, as my husband would not likely answer his mobile.)

Husband: “[Pub], [Husband] speaking. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hey, babe, it’s me. The new guard isn’t letting me in. Can you come out, please?”

Guard: “Your pathetic little boyfriend isn’t going to get you in. I say who comes in, and a fat, ugly piece of s*** like you is not getting in. Now, f*** off before I kick both you and your boyfriend’s a**es.”

(My husband is still on the other end of the phone and hears everything. He and the other guard, who is working inside, come rushing out.)

Husband: “[Guard], what the h*** do you think you’re doing?”

Guard: “This woman is drunk and refuses to leave. I’m about to call the police.”

Husband: “No, you’re refusing to let a sober woman in, who also happens to be my wife and an owner of this pub. [Other Guard] will get your stuff; you’re banned from here for life.”

Guard: “But, but… I didn’t know she was your wife. That’s not fair!”

Husband: *now practically shaking with anger* ”It doesn’t matter if it’s my wife or another patron; you should never speak to anyone the way you just did. You’re lucky she hasn’t kicked your a** for it. Now, I suggest you apologize before she does or calls the cops for threatening her.”

Guard: “Umm… I’m sorry. Please don’t fire me.”

Husband: “Too late. You’ll be lucky to get another job after this gets out. You need to get off our property. Go to your car and [Other Guard] will bring out your stuff. You’re hereby banned from here.”

(The guard walked to his car while calling me various names and yelling how this was all my fault. Over the next week, he kept ringing the pub and when I’d answer he’d threaten me. Also, my windshield was smashed, the side of my car was keyed, and my tires were slashed — all caught on the CCTV cameras. Eventually, he was charged with malicious damage and making death threats. He was sentenced to eight months in jail and lost his security license.)

Defies Every Prints-iple

, , , , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(A woman comes in, looks around for a few minutes, and then comes up to the register with a printer she clearly didn’t have before.)

Coworker: *over the radio* “Stall her. I’m coming up to the front after checking the printer stock.”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to return this printer. It doesn’t work with my computer.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “I mean the d*** thing doesn’t work! The cable doesn’t fit!”

(This printer, like most sold today, doesn’t even come with the cable. My coworker has noticed a missing printer from our display and is on the way up front.)

Me: “Are you talking about the USB cable? The universal printer cable that should work with all printers?”

Customer: “Don’t sass me! I want my store credit!”

Me: “Ma’am, the printer hasn’t even been opened yet.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you if you don’t think I could retape it!”

Me: “It’s the same tape as it was first boxed with. Not to mention you didn’t know about the USB cable, which is both not included with this printer, and standard for every printer and computer for years.”

Customer: “GIVE ME MY F****** MONEY!”

(She took a swing at me and was immediately restrained by my coworker, who she looked to outweigh by about fifty pounds. The police soon arrived and dragged the customer out the door kicking and screaming.)

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