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This Pun Was A Real Hit

, , , , , , | Related | October 21, 2021

My teenage daughter and I are at a Renaissance Festival listening to a musician. I say something to my daughter and she punches me in the arm.

Wife: “What did you hit Dad for?”

Daughter: “Tell her.”

Me: “I just said I knew that musician. During periods of civil disorder, he breaks into businesses and steals stuff.”

Wife: “…”

Me: “He’s a luter.”

Wife: “Hit him again.”

Because The Vikings Were Well-Known For Their Veganism

, , | Right | September 27, 2021

The Viking Festival is a great excuse for Norse and medieval reenactors to get together, and the general public is fascinated by the market stalls that sell modern-day replicas of period items.

Our friend’s stall specializes in cooking items reproduced as closely as possible to historic finds. The most popular items are the drinking horns and horn tankards. None of his goods are plastic or resin.

A lady has been at the stall for some time, examining every horn available.

Customer: “They’re not very well made. None of them match!

Stall Keeper: “No, each one is slightly different. It reflects the life of the animal it came from.

Customer: “What do you mean? You said these were natural horn?

Stall Keeper: “Yes, real horn from real cattle.

Customer: “Eww, no! That’s disgusting! Where are your vegan ones?”

Nothing Going On Upstairs

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2021

I’m checking wristbands at a music festival when a very drunk man comes to the door.

Me: “Sir, can I see your wristband?”

He tries to show me the stamp from a nearby bar.

Me: “Sorry, sir, you need a wristband to get in here.”

Drunk: “I’m upstairs with the band.”

Me: “There is no upstairs here.”

Drunk: “Oh, I should find out where I need to be.”

Me: “You do that, sir.”

Never saw him again.

Some Say She’s Still Searching

, , , , | Friendly | March 27, 2021

I am at a festival. A drunk girl walks past me talking on the phone and crying her eyes out.

Drunk Girl: “I keep yelling, ‘Marco,’ but people keep yelling back, ‘Polo.’”

Captain Cranky Can’t Face The Music

, , , , , | Right | December 31, 2020

I am a singer in a duo. My partner and I are performing at a low-key music festival which many locals attend and where we are well-received. One old man, in particular, seems to be enjoying himself, loudly and tunelessly singing along with choruses. We encourage audience participation, so it’s not a problem. However, after maybe the second song of our set, he approaches us.

Old Man: “Could you let me have a microphone for a few minutes? You’ll be glad you did!”

My partner and I exchange glances at this odd request but try to keep things light.

Partner: “I’m not sure. We’re a little pressed for time as it is.”

This is completely true.

Me: “No promises; we’ll see what happens!”

Old Man: “Thanks so much! Everyone calls me ‘Captain Cranky.’ Just say, ‘And now a word from Captain Cranky!’”

We continue our set, hoping that this will be the end of it. However, after EVERY SINGLE SONG, the man shouts, ‘And now a word from Captain Cranky!’ or in some other way loudly asks to come to the microphone. After ignoring him for four or five songs and wondering why the staff at the festival hasn’t done anything, I decide to end the matter.

Me: “I’m so sorry, but we’re not going to have time.”

Old Man: “But these are my friends! I want to talk to them! This is my crowd!”

Yes, he is seriously arguing with a musician during her set at a festival.

Me: *Still trying to be nice* “I’m sure it is, but this is our set.”

Old Man: *Loudly* “Oh, that wasn’t very nice! That wasn’t very nice at all! I just wanted a few minutes!”

We finish the set uninterrupted. I later spoke to one of the staff members, who apologized for not being more attentive. Apparently, the staff did end up letting the old man get up and speak between sets, but I have no idea what he said. I later heard from my husband who was in the audience that other audience members were looking at each other and clearly felt uncomfortable with the man’s rude behavior.