You’re Only As Old As You Feel

, , , , , , | | Related | June 20, 2019

My grandmother was very independent and opinionated, even as she grew older. She lived alone in a small house up the street from my family, and my dad got her a system like Life Alert — where you wear a button to summon help if you fall and can’t reach the phone — but for several years she refused to wear the button. Her reasoning was, “But that’s for old people!”

One day my dad lost his temper and yelled, “Mom, you’re 85! You are old people!”

My grandmother whacked him with her wooden spoon, but she wore her button from then on. She fortunately never needed it and lived on her own with help from family and friends until she was 92. For the rest of her life, “You are old people,” was her favorite joke!

Oh, That’s Not Water Breaking; That’s The Interns Crying

, , , , , | | Healthy | June 19, 2019

I studied medical laboratory science in college. As we were studying hormones, we came to hCG, which is the hormone tested for on a pregnancy test. The professor was explaining how, at the very end of a pregnancy, hCG levels can drop off, yielding a negative pregnancy test on an obviously pregnant patient.

Then, he added this gem: “You can really freak out nervous medical interns by calling them up and telling them the pregnancy test on a very pregnant woman is negative. I’m not saying I’ve done it, but I’m not saying I haven’t.”

Some Of These Books Are Trash

, , , , | | Right | June 19, 2019

Like many libraries, ours has an outdoor book-drop where people can turn in their library books after hours or if they’re in too much of a hurry to come inside. It’s not uncommon for patrons with overdue items to insist they’ve put their books and movies in the outdoor book-drop, though we empty the drop several times a day to ensure items don’t accrue fines.

One elderly gentleman calls us to ask why two books are still showing up on his account when he knows for a fact that he put them in our outdoor book-drop a week ago. We search the shelves and the drop for the missing books but come up empty. We ask the man again when he turned in the books.

“Last week,” he says, “in the book-drop in front of the library.”

Cue expressions of horror from all of us. Our outdoor book-drop is located on the side of the building. What’s in front of the library… is a trash can.

We check the trash can to be safe, but it has since been emptied by the janitorial crew and the books are long gone. I feel bad for the gentleman accidentally throwing away library books, but at the same time, don’t most people recognize a trash can when they see one?

The Road Of Human Kindness

, , , , | | Hopeless | June 18, 2019

My family and I are traveling by car to my youngest sister’s college graduation ceremony. We are in two cars driving caravan style, so we will arrive at the same time. We are about halfway into the hour-and-a-half drive when my mom is merging onto the highway and her car just… stops working. Completely. All the icons on the dashboard flash and we start slowing down spontaneously.

We pull over and try to figure out what’s going on. We can’t find anything wrong with the car except that it won’t start. So, we all pile into my oldest sister’s car. There are seven of us in a five-seater car, and someone is sitting the trunk, but we don’t care; we are getting to this graduation ceremony! My sister starts her car and… the engine won’t turn over. What are the odds that both cars would have problems at the same time?!

We call our insurance and ask for roadside assistance for my sister’s car, hoping we can still make it to the ceremony on time. The roadside assistance says it will be at least an hour before they can get to us, which would be after the graduation is supposed to start. We call a friend from the area and ask if she can come and give my sister’s car a jump — we suspect the battery is dead — so we can maybe get to the ceremony on time. Our friend says she will come as soon as she can.

Then, we call for a tow truck for my mom’s car to take it to the mechanic. Again, it will be an hour before we can get any help. My dad begs the customer service agent to do what she can to get someone here faster so we can still get to the graduation ceremony.

Ten minutes later, a cop pulls over and talks to us, making sure everything is all right. He offers to look at my mom’s car to see if there is anything he can do. The cop doesn’t have the right tools to help us, and after making sure we have help coming, leaves.

Not five minutes later, the tow truck and our friend arrive at the same time! The tow truck driver offers to jump my sister’s car even though he was only supposed to tow my mom’s car. A few of us get into our friend’s car and we finally get on the road to the graduation ceremony! We arrive only a few minutes before it starts; we made it just in time.

If it weren’t for such kind people, like the cop, the customer service agent with roadside assistance, the tow truck driver, and our friend, I would never have gotten to see my sister graduate college, and I am so grateful for the help we received.

Driving Below The Speed Limit Is For Babies

, , , , , , , , | | Right | June 18, 2019

I work for a luxury car company. It’s my job to be on the sales floor and take people on test drives, etc.

One day, a man comes into the dealership whose English isn’t the best. He has booked a test drive via the online feature.

When we walk towards the car he will be test driving, he stops me with a wave of his hands and rushes off to get something out of his car. I think, at first, that he’s getting his glasses or something, but he comes back with a tiny baby in a car seat. Not unusual, but worth mentioning.

We start driving down the dual carriageway, and I mention that if he wants to test the sixth gear, he can, as the speed limit is 70.

Instead, the man’s speed starts to edge towards 100 mph, and every time I try and ask him to slow down, it becomes clear that he can’t understand what I am saying.

Finally, through wild hand movements, we manage to get back onto the smaller roads to drive back to the dealership. The man starts driving on the wrong side of the road.

I have to grab the steering wheel to move us out of the oncoming path of a lorry, whilst I am being berated in German by the man.

I pull the handbrake — when it’s safe to do so — and drive us back to the dealership.

When we get back, the driver gets into his car and drives off without a word…

…leaving me with his infant daughter in the test car.

The phone number provided doesn’t work and in the end, we have to phone the police because we don’t know what to do. They come with social services and take the baby into their care.

The police eventually reunite the daughter with her mother. It turns out that the man was her father, who has visitation every other weekend.

The man submits such a poor feedback form about the test drive that I could lose my job and I am subjected to an internal review. Luckily, the camera and audio footage from the car show what actually happened.

The speeding ticket we receive from the test drive, with his photo driving, also helps me keep my job.

We’ll see if the ticket gets paid or not…

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