This happened years ago when banking was not as strict as it is now. I dealt in antiques and was set up at a local antique market. I had a gentleman from California buy a Spratling silver bangle and an American Indian blanket.

He gave me a check for $800, but it was returned for insufficient funds. I was livid and called his bank.

Bank: “There are not enough funds to cover the check.”

Me: “What can I do?”

Bank: “You can call and check periodically.”

I called every week for about two months and they finally told me that there were enough funds to cover the check. I went to my bank and told them to make sure this check went through right away, as the funds were finally in the account.

Well, it went through, and I laughed that he probably thought he would never have to honor that check. I don’t think you could get a bank to give you that information today, but back then you could!

Recently, I had lunch with a friend who works in restaurants; I work in tourism. After a while, we started swapping stories of unreasonable customers we had dealt with recently.

Me: “One visitor complained to me last week that the building was too confusing without a map, and she had to keep asking the staff for directions. Which, like, it is a weird building so I’m sympathetic… but we give people maps! She said she threw it away because she didn’t want to carry it. And she also didn’t want to read signs or talk to staff, apparently.”

Friend: “Wow.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Friend: “I think I’ve got you beat, though. Last night a customer complained to me that his filet mignon was overcooked.”

Me: “…You’re still working at the fondue restaurant?”

Friend: “Yep.”

Me: “So… he cooked it himself… and then complained it was overcooked?”

Friend: “Yeah. He said that it couldn’t really be filet mignon, because it’s impossible to overcook high-quality meat. He should be able to boil it for as long as he wants, and unless it’s a cheap cut, it should still be perfectly tender.”

Me: “You win.”

I’m working at a bike shop in 1999, and this guy in his late 60s/early 70s comes in.

Customer: “Do you all have any of them bike shorts with the pad in the seat?”

Me: “Sure, we have those. In order to figure out the best ones for you could you tell me what kind of riding you’re doing?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t do that gay s***. I’m bleeding out of my a** and I don’t want to wear no adult diaper.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “So you all got a pair I can try on?”

A coworker and I are both fans of loose-leaf tea, and we own the same brand of ceramic, double-walled cup with built-in tea infusers. I noticed that, when I was filling my cup, there was sometimes a little puddle of water around the bottom. At first, I thought I was simply being clumsy when I poured the water from the kettle, but [Coworker] mentioned that the same thing had happened to her. We wondered if there might be fine, nearly-invisible cracks in the ceramic, or if there was some quirk in the design that encouraged capillary action, but we couldn’t figure it out.

One morning, [Coworker] came into the staff kitchen shortly after I had taken my cup out of the staff dishwasher. She took hers out of the fridge, as she had steeped the leaves overnight to make iced tea.

Me: “[Coworker]! I just figured out why our cups keep leaking.”

I shook my (empty) cup so we could both hear the water sloshing around in between the two walls.

Me: “It’s not water from the kettle at all. It’s from the dishwasher! There’s a small hole on the bottom of the cup — I’m guessing that’s something they have to do to make the double walls out of ceramic — and when we put the cups upside-down in the dishwasher, some of the water gets in through there! As long as we hand-wash them from now on, we should be fine.”

Coworker: “Really? Wow, I never even noticed a hole there.”

And then, without thinking, she turned her cup over to see it for herself… dumping her iced tea on the floor and all over her shoes. We both stared at the puddle silently for a moment, and then she heaved a very deep sigh.

Coworker: “Well, that’s probably for the best. I’m going to get some paper towels, and then I’m going to make the most caffeinated cup of tea the world has ever known…”

I stopped by my local breakfast place one morning. There was one older man in line in front of me.

Customer: “Can I get bacon, egg, and cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel?”

I raised my eyebrows a little; it was the first time I’d actually heard someone order savory toppings on a sweet bagel in person. The cashier rang him up and then asked me what I wanted. I pointed to a baked donut with vanilla frosting and coconut flakes in the display case.

Me: “I’ll have the coconut donut and a small coffee, please.”

Customer: “Is that coconut? Did you say coconut?”

Me: “Yeah, they have a coconut-frosted donut.”

Customer: “Coconut… on a donut… I’ve never heard of that before!”

Me: “It’s really good.”

Customer: “Really? I can’t even imagine! Coconut on a donut. Now I’ve seen everything!”

Again… the man wanted cheddar cheese and bacon on a cinnamon raisin bagel! But hey, in matters of taste, the customer is always right.