You Can’t Beat Airport Security

, , , | Working | August 11, 2017

(I’m traveling with my family and my in-laws, going through airport security. My father-in-law is pulled aside for wanding. He doesn’t look much like a terrorist to me, but maybe I don’t think like they do. More likely, it’s his hip replacements that just sets off the alarm each time. The agent wanding him is a congenial older man.)

Agent: “Have you been through this before?”

Father-In-Law: “Many times.”

Agent: *holding up handheld scanner and smiling* “Then you know that this is the part where I beat you with this.”

Father-In-Law: *nervously* “No, that part is new.”

It’s For Sonic Screwing

, , | Related | August 10, 2017

(My aunt tells me she was asked to open her carry-on at security. After removing scissors the agent sticks his hand inside a compartment, peers in, then promptly removes his hand, exclaiming ‘Oh’ and going wide-eyed. He ends the search abruptly, tells my aunt she’s okay, whispers to another agent, and leaves, while holding his hand up.)

Me: “What did you have in there he didn’t want to touch? Can’t be like leaked lotion.”

Aunt: “I was confused at first, but then I checked that compartment. I had a sonic screwdriver there… I’m guessing he thought it was… umm, an adult thing… You know.”

Giving You Baggage About Luggage

| Chattanooga, TN, USA | Right | July 10, 2017

(My husband’s plane is delayed due to bad weather. When the connecting flight FINALLY gets in, over five hours late, most of the already irate passengers are greeted with the news that in the rush to get the plane in the air most of the baggage was not loaded. They are all told that the plane with their luggage will be flown in the next day and carriers will be hired to deliver them to their homes or hotels. The next afternoon a middle-aged man brings my husband’s suitcases to our home. I run around to find enough cash to give him a tip.)

Me: “Thank you so much for bringing our luggage. I am so sorry, I don’t have a lot of cash on me. I hope $15 will be enough.”

(At this point, this grown man’s eyes started tearing up.)

Me: *very concerned* “Oh, my. Are… are you all right? What’s wrong, sir?”

Carrier: “Yours are the first kind words I have gotten all day. Everyone has been so mean to me and yelling at me about their luggage not being on the plane.”

Me: “Why in the world would anyone be mad at you? It’s certainly not YOUR fault the airline messed up!”

Carrier: “You wouldn’t know that by the way people have treated me. They have yelled at me, cussed at me, threatened me…”

Me: *really not knowing what to say at that point* “I hope you have a better day from this point on.”

Carrier: “Lady, my day just got better by meeting you.”

(He turned around and left. I only hope his day did improve. Poor guy.)

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Your Good Mood Is Hel-Sinking

| Helsinki, Finland | Working | July 10, 2017

(My friend is arriving from the USA to visit me shortly after my new baby is born. She walks up to the passport inspection desk and hands her passport to the border guard.)

Border Guard: “What is the purpose of your visit to Finland?”

Friend: *excited* “My friend just had a baby and I’m going to be the godmother and I’m really excited.”

Border Guard: *deadpan* “Pleasure.” *stamps her passport*

Needling Around For An Excuse

| England, UK | Working | July 6, 2017

(I’m returning to the US from England, and need to pass through the security checkpoint before heading to my gate. With me are several friends. I have severe allergies which require an auto-injector for emergencies, and one of my friends is diabetic, requiring him to carry sharps. At the checkpoint, we place our bags through the scanner.)

Agent: *having fished the auto-injector from my bag* “Ma’am, what is this?”

Me: “Epinephrine, for anaphylaxis.”

Agent: “It has a needle.”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

Agent: “I cannot allow this on the plane.”

Me: “Do you know [Airline] serves nuts?”

Agent: “What has that got to do with anything?”

Me: “Well, unless you want to be called into the tarmac to remove my corpse from one of their planes, I believe you should inquire with your supervisor as to whether or not I am allowed to take my medicine with me.”

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