The creepiest customer I’ve ever had was at a tech support company about seven years ago when I did tech support for a company that provided free online apps across the globe. They needed help finding some files on their account.

User: “So, how old do you have to be to work there? You sound twelve!”

Me: *Laughs* “Oh, yes! I get that a lot. Definitely not twelve.”

User: “I don’t believe you! Are you single?”

Me: “Uh… married with a kid.”

User: “No, you’re not. You’re only twelve. You sound hot. You should go out with me.”

To make it worse, they either had that smoker’s voice people get or they were in their sixties. Their tone of voice was that one that creeps get when they think they’re being sexy but it’s all cringe.

There’s a local club I’ve been going to for years, and I’ve ended up friends with most of the staff (and worked the odd shift when they need extra cover), so sometimes when I’m not up to anything else, I’ll end up going there just to hang out in the staff areas and grab them coffee.

This particular evening, there’s a Drum ‘N Bass event on, and the club is filling up quickly. As my friends have become busy serving drinks, I head out front to have a cigarette and chat with the bouncers. A group of fairly young-looking people walks up to the door, and the bouncers ask them all for ID before they can enter. Most of the group show their ID and head straight in without issue, but there’s one girl who doesn’t have any ID on her. Her friends have already gone inside and left her behind, and she’s clearly desperate to join them. She tries to persuade the bouncers to make an exception, with no luck; the rules are strict. Eventually, her pleading reaches this hilarious stage.

Girl: “Can I show you my Facebook profile? That’s got my age on!”

The bouncers and I shared a look of disbelief and she was told that, no, that would not count as legal identification.

I was feeling a bit bad for her at this point because her friends, including her boyfriend, just left her behind and hadn’t come back to check on her, so I decided to kindly explain to her that the repercussions of the club letting her in without ID could lead to the venue being closed down and the staff losing their jobs, which is why they really couldn’t make an exception. She still seemed upset about being left behind by her friends, as the only one that did end up coming back to check on her just shrugged and went back in, but she wasn’t arguing with the bouncers anymore and understood that she was not getting in. I chatted with her a little more and she left.

Apparently, this was the first time the bouncers had been offered a Facebook profile as proof of age. We had a laugh about it, but honestly, I think her friends were also pretty crappy for just abandoning her.

The salon where I work offers complimentary glasses of wine and champagne to patrons receiving services so long as they are of legal drinking age and can prove it with ID if we ask. We offer water and sometimes soda as an alternative or if the patrons are younger. I am working on a young client, possibly in her late teens. She sees one of my coworkers take out a bottle of wine and pour a few glasses.

Client: “Excuse me, is that alcohol?”

Me: “Yes. It’s white wine.”

Client: “How much is it?”

Me: “We actually offer it free of charge, so long as—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “And do you have to be twenty-one?”

Me: “Yes. You can only drink it if you’re twenty-one.”

I don’t know what would make her think that she, as a minor, would be excluded from purchasing and consuming alcohol from a grocery store, bar, liquor store, public event, parties, and everything in between due to age restrictions according to law but would easily be able to enjoy it in a random nail salon without consequence.

I go to a local bottle shop that I’ve frequented before to pick out some wine, beers, and whisky.

While I am twenty-eight, people tend to mistake me for much, much younger. When I graduated university last year, many thought my “graduation” referred to high school. I have found, however, since getting new glasses and getting my hair cut, along with wearing sleeveless shirts — essentially showing off my arm tattoos — I’ve not been mistaken for a child any longer. This occurs while I am at the register, paying for my purchases.

A group of young guys comes into the store. Each is holding a skateboard and they are all kind of scruffy. One in particular is in the lead; the others appear to be following him.

Cashier: “Fellas, can I see your IDs, please?”

Lead Scruffy Guy: “What the h***? We haven’t even tried to buy anything yet!”

Cashier: “The minute you step into a bottle shop, you have to prove you’re old enough to be here. ID, please.”

They complain amongst themselves as I pay for my purchases. They focus their attention on me.

Lead Scruffy Guy: “Did he ask you for your ID?”

Me: “No.”

Lead Scruffy Guy: *Looking very angry* “Well, why not? That’s so unfair!”

Cashier: *Cutting across them* “Because she, unlike you, looks like she’s over twenty-five! Anyone who looks under needs to be ID’d. If you have no ID, I must ask you to leave.”

The guys look at me as if trying to judge my age. I look the lead guy right in the eye.

Me: “I’m twenty-eight.”

The guys start complaining, but seeing the cashier isn’t going to budge, they ultimately leave as none have ID on them and they cannot prove their ages. The cashier looks at me, seemingly mortified. 

Cashier: “I’m so sorry about that. I don’t mean to say that you look old, just…”

Me: “Mate, until recently, people have thought I’m still in high school! Trust me when I say that someone thinking I look my actual age is the biggest compliment I can get.”

The cashier just smiled at me, relieved that I wasn’t offended, and I left the shop with a cool story to tell my friends.

I’m a doorman at a pretty cool neighborhood pub that has very popular dance nights that hit capacity every weekend. A young girl hands me an ID that I know is not her. I quiz her on when and why her hair is COMPLETELY different, birthday, middle name, address, etc.

Just when she and her two friends think they have convinced me, I invite her inside, telling her:

Me: “You’ve changed so much since we dated last year; also, your mother is up at the bar.”

Her face goes white.

Me: “I will give your sister’s ID to your mom.”

Her mom has been a regular for MANY years and the previous year had introduced me to her other daughter, hoping we’d get together, but we only dated for about a month.

The three girls took off running. I gave the ID to her mom, which ended up being a VERY long-running inside joke.