The Origin Of Free Pizza

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(There is a football match, called the State of Origin, between two of the Australian states — Queensland and New South Wales. It is taken quite seriously. I work in a pizza shop in New South Wales, but I am a Queenslander born. The customer in this story has come in later on in game time, ordered his pizza, and paid. After I have made his pizza and put it in the oven, he begins talking to me.)

Customer: “Do you know the score for the game?”

Me: “No. Sorry, mate, we don’t have a television here. Besides the fact that I volunteered to work this evening because I don’t watch football, I would be cheering for Queensland if I was watching.”

(He stares at me.)

Customer: “I don’t want a pizza made by a Queenslander.”

(He walked away. He never came back, and I got free dinner.)

Dead Man’s Jest

, , , , | Learning | December 27, 2017

(I am being taught about the equipment needed to safely rock climb. A carabiner is a kind of clip. Lockable carabiners don’t snap open when pressed against a rock, and the instructor considers knowing this very important.)

Instructor: “What kind of carabiner do we want?”

Everyone: “A locking carabiner!”


Instructor: “What kind of carabiner do we want?”

Everyone: “A locking carabiner!”


Instructor: “What kind of carabiner do we want?”

Me: “Pirates of the carabiner!”

Bigotry Debases Baseball

, , , | Friendly | December 20, 2017

(I’m attending a minor-league baseball game. The centerfielder for the local team is a young man with a distinctively Middle Eastern-sounding name. Think something like “Muhammed Shah.”)

Girl Sitting Behind Me: *in tones of strong disapproval* “Muhammed Shah? Where’s he from?”

Boy Sitting Behind Me: *reading from program* “Cincinnati.”

(Mr. Shah, a former all-conference standout, was four for five and despite a sub-par performance by the team’s third base coach, demonstrated some very heads-up base running.)

Hopefully They’re Just Horsing Around

, , , , , , | Learning | November 28, 2017

(I work at a middle school. While teaching gym, I decide to organize the sports we play alphabetically. We are currently on the letter B and are playing badminton. One of my more innocent students comes up to me, thinking they have a great idea for gym.)

Student: “Hey, Ms. [My Name], is bareback riding considered a sport? Could we play that next?”

Me: *colour draining from face* “Sorry, [Student], we… uh… don’t have any horses here.”

Student: “I know, but it would be fun!” *walks away, laughing*

(I can only pray that he forgets this incident, and doesn’t make the horrifying realization later on in life about what he said.)

The Father Of All Fan-Baiting

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 27, 2017

(In college, my dad worked with the football team but didn’t play. However, he and his coworkers were able to get official jerseys, so long as they didn’t use numbers any of the players had. Shortly after Dad graduated, the number Dad happened to pick was used by a player who was very good and went on to play in the NFL. About thirty years after that, my teenage brother is attending a game at the same college and wears Dad’s jersey to show support for the team. It’s important to note that the famous player is black and my family is white.)

Older Fan: *to my brother* “Hey, kid, do you even know whose number that is on your jersey?”

Brother: *knowing full well who the famous player is, but not wanting to be baited into arguing about who’s the better fan* “Yeah, it’s my dad’s.”

Older Fan: *taken aback* “[Famous Black Player] is your dad?!”

(My brother just kept walking, leaving the confused fan behind.)

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